758
Listening to: Lawn Mowers
Feeling: annoyed

12:54 Early Monday Afternoon

  It's A good Thing I have Skin

no matter how thin.

it's holding me together when i'm about to fall apart.

yesterday morning was AMAZING. got to talk to my boyfriend! hehe! i have a boyfriend. I love it. I like it when he calls me up and says "how's my girlfriend?" though I don't think he's done that in months.

anyway.

I went to Aaron's farewell after he left.

that was...interesting.

clean-cut glasses-and-suit-wearing Aaron cracking rude jokes and saying silly things like how I know Aaron to be...

but knowing that on wednesday he's leaving me. for good. forever.

he'll probably miss my wedding.

he probably won't ever be my Aaron again.

I know, i'm selfish, but this is worse than when Steve left because at least Steve has always held a testimony. And I feel like Aaron is going just to sort out the death of his father, the pressures from his church, mother, and girlfriend, and to get out of this place.

There are other ways to go soul searching than to go door-to-door preaching to people who don't want to listen. Do you honestly believe what you're saying? If you do then that's absolutely fantastic but I find it hard to believe you've made such a complete turnabout.

GAH.

anyway.

i'm only sad because i love him so much and will miss him so terribly - and DO miss him and HAVE missed him.

I miss Steve terribly, imagine how much worse it's going to be when Aaron's gone. the arguments, the philosophies, the challenging ways of thinking, the jokes and the shallowness and the carefree observations.

I can see Aaron on a service mission or with the Peace Corps, but ...this is too much.

this is ridiculous.

I'm aware of how closeminded and hypocritical I am being. I refuse to accept this. I won't stop him, and I will never tell him what I'm thinking.

my ex boyfriend is moving to connecticut and i'm so happy for him. I hope he gets that job! and also that education! I want the best for him and his life. I'm glad that he's shown me that he can do more with himself than play videogames all day.

In other randomly associated news, I like the stability and cheapness of living at home, but I feel stifled and dependent there all the same. I want to move out this summer but don't feel financially able. My parents seem unwilling to let me leave as well.

I always thought that as soon as I graduated high school I'd be out like a shot, and both my parents and i would be happy to see me go. such is not the case in real life. All the plans I ever had have changed so drastically in the past few years. The only thing which has remained constant is the fact that I know Caleb's The One, even if our plans on where we're going to live and go to school and all that have been shifting through the space and time continuum. Futures that might be but probably won't.

etc.

Then, there's school. I need to work harder. It's a fact. I've relied on cramming and my own stuck-up, over-confident attitude that I'm smart enough to not study. I'm smart enough to not study and PASS, but not to get all As. I'd love all As. More importantly, I need to retain my scholarship. Luckily I have a bit of a buffer but I need to keep it up for those truly difficult courses which I may not do well enough in regardless of how well I study.

my sensible side and my lazy side are at extreme odds and , going back to the subject line of this entry, If it weren't for this (thin, easily damaged) skin, i'd be flying apart in all directions.

To Do Before Wednesday:

study for chemistry and public health

say goodbye forever to Aaron

send those letters to Hyun Woo and Steve

pick up tickets to Urinetown

finish Halloween costume

tomorrow should be good for picking up urinetown tix and finishing the halloween costume

in the meantime, time for chemistry.

Sometimes I don't know if I write these entries for myself or for my devoted readers. hahahaha. but i guess this long, rambly, boring entry is proof that I do this for me and for me only.

hey. it's allowed. it's my diary. So what if I like my thoughts to be public?

418 hit(s) Am I Real?  
Comments
Just so you know, an LDS mission IS a service mission. I am glad you have such a healthy and reasonable outlook on so much of life, and I know it is very hard to let a good thing go, its hard not to be selfish, and its always hard to figure things out. Give it time though, and problems always work out. Granted they are replaced by new ones, but lets stick to one step at a time, shall we?
YOURE GOING TO URINETOWN?? damn you! It was on this year before trainspotting and I MISSED IT! *slaps self*

You know you write all these entries for me, dear teresa
If only I could go up there. No, we have The Howl down here too. And I'm going as a pirate. I have yet to make my skirt though, its rather hard when you don't have a sewing machine.
Ugh. I'm sorry, but Mormon missions always seemed so...redundant. Hypocritical. "Let me help you by converting you to MY world. And then I'll help you MY way. ONLY if you're a part of MY faith." I know quite a few Mormons who agree. The point is to spread your faith, but many of them just come back from other countries with STDs and without their virginity.
As harsh as that sounds. Anyway, I'd like to go into the peace corps. That's a good trip.
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