820
Feeling: excited

10:53 Mid Monday Morning

  Dancing in the Agricultural Building

Just because I don't see homosexuality itself as a sin, and because I desire civil equality for all...

It doesn't mean I'm a pagan. It doesn't make me not a Christian. What are you trying to accomplish by suggesting otherwise? I find it hard to believe that there are no sections of letters or other biblical scriptures that you struggle with.

I told you, these issues have been strongly rooted in me since I was old enough to think for myself. They were a part of me before I accepted Christianity - in fact it was never Jesus that kept me from Christianity, no I'd have to say it was other Christians. certain sections of Paul's letters.

I am a Christian, and while I love Jesus I can't stomach The Church. like the angry, bitter wife (ironically in the business of oppressing women) of a dear friend.

It is something that you can't just tell me 'your beliefs are wrong!' and I'll be like 'oh, ok, tell me what to think then.'

because these beliefs are the core of my spirit and personality. Along with Jesus's teachings of love thy neighbour, treat others as you'd have others treat you, may he who has not sinned cast the first stone, judge not lest ye be judged, etc. etc.

anyway

i went to the baptism of my friend's son yesterday, and it was beautiful and he was beautiful and I'm very happy that my friend and her baby are doing well. I'm glad it's not me, but more and more i realise that i will want to have babies some day.

it's weird, but at least Caleb's parents will be pleased. mine too, i imagine.

Of course I won't be harboring any parasite fetuses for some time; hopefully Caleb and I will have been married for a good 5 years at least...but eventually.

We learned about the horrors of pregnancy in the marriage and the family class last week some time. it just made me want to have a baby more than ever. I want the belly. I want to feel the kicks and watch my body change. As recent months have gone by I have appreciated more and more the fertility and strength of women and their ability to grow a new human inside of them.

what the hell is wrong with me? i am not mother material!!! i am ridiculously young and totally not feeling a ticking clock. but some day!

Whenever I think about it I feel like I'm opening myself up to judgment.

Yes, i do plan to get married at the horrifically young age of 21. I don't really know how to balance everything I'm told, don't get married too young cos its hard on the psyche, don't have children so soon after you do get married because it's hard on a new marriage, but don't wait until you're 30 to start popping them out because it's so hard on the body.

What the hell, people!? I told the Belly Dancing instructors that I didn't know if I could be on the team because I'm trying to buy a house and spending $300 on a costume is a bit much for me right now, and they were like 'whoa, why are you going to buy a house?" and i told them I was probably going to get married in a little more than a year, and they told me I was way too young for that. I really respect these strong women but I'm a strong woman too and I can make my own choices. It's not like i've just picked some random off the street and decided, oh, theres the one!

Caleb and I have been in a steady, stable relationship for over 3 and a half years. by the time we get married, we'll have been almost dating for 5 years. Why do we need to wait any longer? I'm not about to cut it off and try my hand in the dating pool again, why on earth would I need to do that? I hang out with a lot of men and I know that none of them appeal to me the way Caleb does.

anyway, i feel quite vulnerable just having written this, i feel vulnerable for just thinking it. I'm tired of the oxymoronic way society treats me, though, and I'm tired of caring about what people think . So, society, have at it. If my life is so important to you, then by all means, pick me apart and think, 'what an idiot,' 'what a loser,' 'how dare she go against our wishes;' but please know that I don't care. i'm not really sure why i ever did.

In other news, there are only 8 weeks until i leave!!!

415 hit(s) Am I Real?  
Comments
I think it's cool you're getting married. I'm not ready, even though I've been dating Neil for three years. Only you can know if it's right for you.

Funny. A group of us was arguing homosexuality from a Christian perspective last night as well. 2 said not a sin (me included), 1 - sin, 1 - neutral & started playing devil's advocate on both sides. :) It can be good discussion if both sides are civil and respectful. Have a good day!
Yeah, we touched on this in our discussion too. I think my friend Brent summed up what you're trying to say pretty well: "Is love a sin?" and "The God I know, I can't see Him condemning love itself." I agree, because God IS love. I also can't fathom God making someone a homosexual and condemning them for it. I also believe they're born with it, b/c after all, I didn't choose to be heterosexual, it just happened that way. More thoughts? :)
If you can find the right people you could always rent a room of the house out to someone to ease costs - just something to consider. I'll spare you my take on the homosexuality debate - but I do believe that the people who are mean (or worse than simply mean) to people who practice homosexuality are out of line (and if Christian - then they are hypocrites).
[amyelk]
i find it best to just ignore people who rant on about homosexuality. A good deal of them are probably closeted themselves... just look at all those "family values" anti-gay politicians caught in gay acts. Hmmmmm i turn 21 in 6 months... no i certainly couldnt see myself getting married, not even if i were attached to anyone haha
[thomnz]
Nah. I totally get the maternal thing. I want babies. Or maybe just baby.. I think that was one of the reasons my boyfriend and I broke up. Stupid as it sounds, I knew that I love him incredibly, and I didn't want to end up getting married with that doubt of, "well, what else is out there?", because I wanted kids so much.. Think I needed to be sure.. Because he was my first boyfriend.. We'd been together 3.5 years. Ark, I missuth him. One day.
lol was it caleb?
[thomnz]
No problem. :)
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