864
Listening to: Devotchka(How it Ends)
Feeling: sinful

3:58 Mid Monday Afternoon

  Working Woes

ARRRGHHHH

ok but yeah.

I find myself thinking about some relatively interesting things while I am holed away in the grinding room. When I am listening to music, I tend to dance to songs with a strong beat. It reminds me that I will not be in the performing troupe next year. I dislike choreography; I would much rather improvise. It feels more organic, less robotic. Now if only I could garner some confidence.

When I am not listening to music, I tend to think about Caleb or my future or Steve or classes.

Today I thought about the 2nd credit of Art Symposium I'll be taking this semester. I keep praying that the performances won't clash too much with Belly Dancing. I keep thinking about how ridiculous the class is, and wondering why i'm taking it. Obviously, because it is only 2 credits, which can be taken separately, it fills a depth requirement without any actual scheduled class time, and it's relatively easy. It's just ridiculously expensive, time consuming (to go to all the performances and write corresponding papers/forum posts), and basically a poison arrow to the heart of my social life (which is terrible because my social life is meager and feeble when it's at its best).

I thought about the email I sent to the professor at the end of last semester and the reply I got -- I think I had a legitimate question, and he never emailed me back. Yeah, he was busy, but he's a freaking professor for crying out loud, and isn't it sort of the trade? I pay to take his class, I do the required course work, and he is supposed to teach. When I ask a question, is an answer not teaching? I swear, this is the most worthless piece of crap class...

But I digress.

I had a long period of time today when the grinder was too hot to safely use to do nothing. I didn't bring a book or have a computer, so I sat in a chair and used the tweezers from a swiss army knife to pull the hairs out of my knees. It doesn't hurt except maybe a twinge here or there, but the way the hair comes out is so fascinating...not like hair anywhere else. the hair comes out of the follicle with a very skinny, curly tail, instead of the straight and lumpy end. It's hard to explain.

Yes, and as it turns out, I'm fascinated by the weirdest things.

I sort of find myself comparing Steve and Caleb a lot when I'm in the grinding room. There is a definite reason I never gave up on my relationship with Caleb for Steve. I'm reminded of that mysterious, inexplicable reason every time I see Caleb...but somehow I manage to still have a crush on Steve.

I have gotten over every other crush I've ever had (except, of course, Caleb). Every ex boyfriend is but a vague memory. It is laughable to think I used to like so-and-so. All except Steve.

It just boggles my mind.

And it's absolutely absurd because Steve and I are so unfathomably different - he's a straight-laced, honourable LDS guy and I'm a pinko-commie-liberal, peace-and-love Christian girl. Maybe it's his big nose and curly hair and pretty eyes, maybe it's because he's tall, or because he is funny and random and we can discuss robots. But there are a lot of guys with big noses and curly hair and pretty eyes. There are a lot of tall guys. There are tons of random funny men who like to talk about robots, and I don't find any of them that attractive. (except the guys with curly hair and big noses, but not to the same extent.)

maybe it's because he reminds me so much of Caleb when he's being silly and nerdy, and maybe it's not Steve I have a crush on but a desperate, silly attempt to find a Caleb when mine is not with me. A little pathetic, yes, but it's the only thing I can make sense of.

These are some of my rambling thoughts when I'd rather be anywhere but the grinding room.

I have also decided to get a haircut with my mom this afternoon after she finishes work. This is another grindingroomthought. Most of the ideas for the tea party were conceived in the grinding room, and decisions to go to the lake on Pioneers day.

My brain is weird and I don't get it, but it's my brain and I love it because I don't have anything else.

375 hit(s) Am I Real?  
Comments
time is a funny thing. i wish that i really could will it to do something. and don't worry, i think the only way to miss a chance is to stop paying attention. if you're aware of it, i think it might be kind of hard to miss.
ps. my brain is weird too, and i'm afraid i'll never get it.

and oh boys.
I thought I was the only one who did that with the tweezers. How strange.. Some hairs come out so easy but! Alright. I'll stop being weird now.. :P
Your brain is great. I thought the steve/caleb thing was interesting, and I get what you're trying to say when you mentioned 'big nose/curly hair' right away, so I'm sure it's just the reminiscent of caleb thing. It's like the 'Teresa's fetish'. Or something. But anyway, poos on your professor. What subject is this? My music lecturer sucks at emailing back too.
I *may* be the mother of zellakanzx's children.
i *may* love him and he *may* love me and that *may* be why we are together.
He did get another job, woohoo. And he said he'd come to other parties, but tea parties aren't really 'his thing.' So we'll just have to have another kind of party sometime. Ooh, taco night. That'll be a great time. Now, just to find some guys to invite so he won't be surrounded by girls....
do i know you? i think i know you.


hairs are weird. you should see some of mine.
what news? oh wait. i just read it. we're not dissimilar you know.
if a student fails to learn, a teacher fails to teach. - anon
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