doesn't he know how much i care? doesn't he know that i also need him to be there? doesn't he know that i also love him, or that i can't live without him... or that i dont want to lose him either???? DOESN'T HE KNOW? well, lemme tell you something, he doesn't know. and it's hard b/c i never had anyone tell me the things he tells me; let alone KNOWING that he means it. so i dont know what to do with that. do i say the same thing back? no, then he'll think i dont mean it... but i do.... do i tell him what i've been telling him? that there is no me without him... no smile to my face, no happy feelings inside me, none of that. just a blur of colors all around when he is not with me. but if it hasn't clicked yet, then will it ever? does he want me take long walks with him again, laying under the stars cuddling close to his chest, kissing in the darkness? if he was here, i would... does he want proof? m4k3sw33TLuv2m3: all u do is talk about him m4k3sw33TLuv2m3: how good he makes u feel m4k3sw33TLuv2m3: how u've never felt that way with anyone before m4k3sw33TLuv2m3: and all that good shit i dont know what to do anymore. the question is not "what do u do when the one you love doesn't love you back?" the question is; "what do you do when the one you love doesn't believe that you do?"

yes, i feel adored just b/c my bf is so cute to me. the things he says, when he says them, the things he does, and why he does them. gosh... :D yea. he even got me the crow comforter! *sighs* he's too sweet to me

bored... looking forward to tomorrow.

WTH is some ppl's problems?? My *cough* ex *cough* --I don't like admitting to that word-- called today outta nowhere. He's all like "Hey, what's up?" WTF do u think is up??!?!?! I STILL can't stand you and how you treated me. DUH!!! If i wanted to tell you what was "up" I woulda fucken called you myself, stupid ass prick; child molestin' mutha fucker! Gosh, I can't stand him and his stupidity. He sed, "It sounds like u don't wanna talk to me." "HMM, LET'S SEE... CUS I DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!" "I thought we put all that stuff behind us and were cool now... O, so we can't be cool anymore?" does it fucken look like i put it behind me??!?!? YOU are about all that i put behind me, but how horrible of a person you made me feel like... i'll never forget that bullshit!!! I sed no, we can't be "cool." I don't need that in my life anymore, he ruined it enough. FUCK YOU!! I HOPE ONE DAY YOU UNDERSTAND JUST HOW MUCH OF A NASTY, PERVERTED DICK HEAD YOU WERE/ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. SUCK A DICK, BITCH AND MAKE IT GOOD! Ugh, I feel so uncomfortable and unsafe around him. And that was just on the phone! All I wanted right then and there was for my bf to be next to me holding me in his arms cus I felt so vulnerable, like my *cough* ex *cough* could make me feel like he did before once again today; those horrible feelings that I had for myself as a person. The only person I feel happy with and safe wasn't here to rescue me from those feelings of... I guess being scared of my ex and not wanting to think of how bad he made me feel, not wanting to relive any of that Hell. UGH!!!! I CAN'T STAND THAT BITCH!!!!!

I ACHE....SO FREAKIN BAD.... THAT I FEEL ABUSED!!!! LOLZ. so i heard this new song today called "One Wish" and it's lovely, i am in love with it ;). MY O-SO FINE, SO SO SEXY, CAN'T STOP THINKIN ABOUT, MY MAN; EDGARDO RIVERA introduced me to this song. today all i did was clean a lil and hang out with my gf, ashley. that was good times. we just walked n talked and shared some PDA over the webcam. lmfao! i was sittin on her lap cus my ass hurt from yesterday. ahaha. whew. anywho... then we were walkin in the house and both sed at the same time "I'm all alone..." and then we looked at each other like we were foreign objects and then she sed "did u just say what i said?" -which i was about to say, but didn't. and idk we just started laughing cus we are dorks. and last night i was out in south mil. with my boyfriend. we were riding these uncomfortable ass bikes, man. that hurt my booty. and then he got me my crow blanket!!! :D :D :D i wanted to jump up and start screaming and crying, but i contained myself. lol. and didn't, i just smiled, sed thank you, and kissed him. i played it off all cool. and then later he got me this really nice necklace. it's purrty. n i stole his boxers n tshirt, so i got new jammies guys! lol. but he'll prolly want that back :-/ so ehh...

well, it is 3:36 pm and kara and i woke up 36 minutes ago. ahahah. yea. latest i think i have ever slept. i guess it was a long night for everyone last night. and felicia and her were both over here for a lil while last night; that was interesting. lol. felicia got so excited that i ALMOST sed "lookin ass" that she fell off the bed! AHAHAHA STUPID ASS!!!!! FUCKEN MEXICANS!!!! and then later on after i started doing kara's eyebrows SHE fell off the bed, i was like WTF? why do ppl just keep fallin to the floor in hurr??? so that was funny too. but then again it's always funny when i do that girl's eyebrows. we always end up crackin up over something. most of the time b/c i have to get on top of her to do her right eyebrow and she's all freakin out (most of the time) and it's just hillarious. but then about an hour later, the eyebrow gets done. so, it's fun. lol. and then we went to McDonald's at 12:33 or sumthin thinkin that it's open later now-a-days (LIKE THE FREAKIN COMMERCIAL SAYS) so we steal ted's bike AGAIN!!! -ahaha felicia... anywho... and i peg kara up there. i was tired as hello and then i am all hot n sweaty and kara is tellin ME to hurry up cus her feet are cold. fuck that bitch. ahahah. u kno i love u kara. all while we are lookin out for the po-po's cus we didnt' want a ticket. so one time we thought we saw some high official ppl in a truck so i drove the bike down a grass hill with her in the back bouncin around. lol. and now kara just fell backwards on the bed, WTF?!?!?! i dont understand what the problem is with my bed. LMFAO. so then we came back with the bike, NOT GETTIN CAUGHT THIS TIME, YES!!! SCORE!!! ahaha. and we walked up to the gas station since we were salty and mcdonald's was closed. there was this like mex/arabian lookin dude just staring at us up at mcdonald's. we were all trying to open the door and he's sitting inside just staring. ahaha lol. but i was like fuck this shit, i rode allll the way up here WITH a bitch on my back so imma try to open the door!!! gosh. ahaha. luv u again, kara. o yea... back to the gas station.... first of all we wanted everything that we saw. we'd make up our mind about one thing, and then want another, so we had to get outta there quick. so as soon as we got out the cops were right there! so i was like o shit and turned around all while kara thought i slammed myself hands up against this truck that was right there. like i was trippin. when really it was just the guy closing the truck door. ahaha. blondes... well, that was my night. and here i am now sharing this with u ppl... gtg. here's me (right) and my homeslice, Kara, dressed up in our guy friends' clothes at my birthday party! LoL. good times... Kara is sporting... -Tabari's hat -Tabari's back pack -Tabari's coat -Steven's shoes I am wearing... -Steven's hat -Steven's back pack -Frankie's hoodie -Tabari's shorts -Mario's shoes

last night/this morning was fun. me and felicia stayed out til 2 in the morning just talking and then went to bed around 3. but i mainly wrote this entry to show u guys my hunny. here he is... the love of my life :D

It is currently 12:31 and I am up! when i went to bed at 6 sumthing... sheesh. why am i up right now?? it doesn't make any sense to me. it might be the oreos that i ate before i went to bed and now the three that i had for breakfast, lol. but idk. anywhom... i think i am going to write an acutal entry today, which i have not done in awhile; usually b/c i dont have the time or the patience now-a-days. but now i am all alone at felicia's cus she left with matt. :( lol. ditcher! aha jk, i love you Felicia. but about me lately... *sighs* i am sooo wonderful and happy, i have nothing to complain about. i think this is all b/c of my lovely boyfriend. Gosh, it feels good to call him that! MY BOYFRIEND, EDGARDO RIVERA! *smiles* ahah. moving on... i am so in love with him that it's crazy. all i ever think about is him, him, and o yea! MORE HIM! but i dont mind, b/c i love him!!! yes, yes i do! and it's omgosh-ness. he is the perfect one for me, so sweet, caring, respectful, fun, fine (:D) and ... :) :) everything, everything that i ever wanted, plus more. idk what i did to get him or deserve him, but i am sure glad that i did!! he is everything that i know... everything that i am... everything that i love. i would do anything for that boy. i am in love :D :D

well, i got to see my baby yesterday; basically the whole day. and even tho we had to stay at some family gathering of his step-dad's it was still fun. so yea... for the most part i was happy and we are so in love and can't get enough of each other. this is the one guys ;) i promise!

ok well, i can hardly ever see my hunny anymore. no more late nights, alone time, driving around, laying together on the lawn (lol.), kissing, hugging, or spending the whole entire day into the night, past morning together. nope, nada, no more! :'( the only way i can see him is if i go to his house and yea... his momma is going to trip about me being by him. *sighs* and to top off this wonderful story, he has to get a summer job now when the whole reason why he didn't want one was to be with and see me. well, well, well... looks like there isn't going to be much time to talk to him either... :'( isn't life just a bitch?!