Dear Gary Fan 336

Oh dear Lord. How much has changed. My love and I have been together for over two years now. We've moved in together and actually made our first adult buy yesterday. Hes the sweetest man in the world. He still has his struggles but he goes above and beyond when he knows I'm not at my best. I really don't know where Id be with out this man in my life. I doubt I would have pursued my doctoral degree with out him.. He has so much faith in me, sometimes i just feel like i don't deserve that man's love.. Anywho - life is amazing, it has its ups and downs but there less daunting when I have him by my side. 

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Dear Gary Fan 335

I've dated my beloved for almost 9 months now, and I truly believe he's the man of my dreams and beyond. With his flaws and all, he's perfect to me. He's gone through such rough times and all I want to do is take those times away. And when I make him smile, for a split second I accomplish my goal. He's my love, my everything. I just hope he knows I want him to be my future too. 

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Dear Gary Fan 334

Today wraps up my first semester as a grad student. Ultimately I have learned and have gone through a lot this semester/year. There has been a whirlwind of hurt but some outstanding times that saved me. Honestly, my parents divorce hurt me and crippled me like no other. I always looked at others and wondered how they could drop out of school due to family and life things, I have learned that although I pride myself on not judging others, that I truly judged. I have never faltered in my future goals until this semester. I wanted to run away and never look back again because my world was falling apart. 

But a few factors saved me, the love and support from my family, friends, and loved ones. I started the year with a wonderful friend group that although sometimes led me astray truly loved me and supported me. Sadly, distance and being in different places in life that friend group fell away. But God was there to save me and gave me a hobby to look forward to, pool. With that hobby, I met my beautiful and amazing significant other. He has changed my views on love, marriage, and future. I think about him, and I find such peace. I think that peace comes from something deeper than myself, more like the Holy Spirit, and although the relationship is very young it outshines so much in my life. It sounds crazy, but I would leave all my goals behind to start a future with this man. But the best thing of all, is that he wouldn't let me. He wants me to achieve everything I have set out for myself in life and more. He wants to me to achieve my goals and what once I defined as my happiness. Its funny to me, because I've already found my happiness. Its the life I've been given, the family I have, him, and most of all God. 

We'll see how all of this goes, but at this point I can honestly say that I am content with the life I lead and what my future brings. 

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Dear Gary Fan 333

Things have been unreal over the past couple of months. My world has been shattered and re-done and shattered and redone again, everything on repeat. Today a part of it finalizes. My parents are divorced. I understand that I am a 22-year old adult and these things happen. I have accepted it in every way possible. But I cannot tell my inner child to be quiet, and to stop yelling in my head "Daddy, don't go. Come back, please". This is what is killing me, the fact that I want to keep my family together just for the sake of being together. They were my foundation... as a family. Now they have to be my foundation apart. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't want to deal with that... I just want to cry in bed and not get out. Again, not the adult thing to do... but its what I would like to do. I feel like it would be a lot better than zombie-ing my way through my life at the moment. But on the other hand I have found love, and faith again. So that will get me through my tough times, right? I actually just hope... since I'm really close to an edge I never wanted to see again. 

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Dear Gary Fan 332

I think I royally messed up. 

I'm not sure what to do at the moment. I 

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Dear Gary Fan 331

Today has been so absolutely different. 

 

Well last night was unexpected, but I felt things that I cannot explain. Butterflies and just feelings. 

 

Like no lie, I want to try this. Start over, feel something new, even if it hurts. I feel like i have life again, feelings, light. Its fantastic. 

 

If words could describe right now, I don't even think i could. 

285 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 330

Things are beyond rough right now.

I'm not sure what is up and what is down anymore. Its hard. I don't know whats me and what is not. I'm feeling such a mess but I have no one to talk to about it. If I do, its my fault for being too nice, for having too much on my plate, for whatever reason. It falls on my shoulders.

 

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Dear Gary Fan 329

Let my just spill my guts. Its been a very long time since I've done that.

Well as of Fall semester, I've come out as a lesbian and then bisexual. I am currently dating the guy I lost my virginity to (and honestly, I don't think its going anymore but I'm too much of a chicken to do it), and my parents are getting a divorce.

 

Oh hey - yeah. That happened. Let me start from the beginning.

 

Identifying.

Weirdest process ever. I don't know why the fuck its such a struggle though. I'm still currently battling self acceptance though. But I feel better, not broken anymore. And I really don't digust myself anymore, well most of the time I don't. Kinda just need to learn how to live and not worry about others. I feel like I've gone in the right direction though.

 

Divorce.

Yeah - I'm not dealing with it now. My father has found another woman, and wants to leave us. Granted I'm 21 and I shouldn't give a literal fuck. But I do. I hurt for my mom though. I really do. She gave that man 26 years of her life, all her work experience, she had breast cancer and has no breasts to speak of, and he leaves because he doesn't love her? That ruins a person. It really does. And I hate it. I almost hate him, until I see him. But what does it matter, eh.

 

Anywho - now onto positive things. I have things to look forward to, graduation, teaching a pledge class, making an impact on the LGBTQ community? It is amazing. Absolutely grand.

156 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 328

Its been a hoot since fall semester. Not sure where to start.

 

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, something remarkable happened. As an ex and I were rekindling our relationship something has been lost - no reason for it either. This is something we both realized last night and now I'm here.

 

Feeling a little concerned for myself - something that I haven't learned is how to be in a relationship. I'm not good at them, but have I honestly wasted 4-5 years with him and still not realized I'm not compatible with other people. It seems so silly to think of myself of starting from zero at 21... I know a lot of other people struggle with it at 50 or 60 or what ever... But where do I go from here? That's my real question.

 

 

164 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 327

I done goofed.

 

For some reason, I kissed her. No real reason other than she was in my face being upset because I wasn't being as playful as I usually was - I was coming off my wonderful drunk buzz - great right? Yeah, but apparently, I wasn't thinking very straight.

 

I kissed her and she said "NOT IN PUBLIC" - I expected "what the fuck?" or "Dont kiss me, I have a girlfriend" - not, "not in public". Then we talked about it - all she said "You kissed me in front of a shit ton of people". She seemed more worried about others than you the fact that i kissed her.

 

What ever though, I'm going to see her for the first time since then - and I'm just nervous, and excited. BLAH.

 

It'll be alright, its always alright.

203 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 326

That could have been one of the best dreams I've had in a while.

 

Dayum. I just wish she was mine

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Dear Gary Fan 325

Is it better to be quiet and lock things up, or just explode and just let the water flow?

 

I really don't know anymore. I'm looking for outlets because I cannot, I repeat CANNOT, keep it inside. I need to talk about it. I really do. But no one listens or wants to understand.

 

Any guy friend just looks at me and says, you just haven't had good "sex".

Any girl friend just looks and judges, or just wants to get off the topic.

 

And I'm not dissing my friends. I'm definitely not. Just dammit. I need someone I could just be honest with. I don't want to hold back anymore. Its not just feelings, its thoughts. Most of all its thoughts. I want to know that its okay that I'm like this. Actually, I want to know if I am. God, I think I'm right. But FUCK would that turn everything around.

 

I'd use this to let everything go; but as much as I'd like to say feedback is unnecesary, it is. Fucking AAAAAAA.

 

Rant done. Back to the internal struggle.

160 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 324

The world is spinning and I'm losing my footing.

I don't know what is up and what is down. The life I grew up knowing and trying to achieve has been swept from under me.

I always wanted to be a mother, maybe not get married. But a mother none the less; my actions, words, feelings, and thoughts have turned that into mush. I know there are other ways; adoption, invitro, etc. But its not how I thought things would come about. Its funny though, how this happened. Especially since I have no one to lean on. No one to talk to about my stress, my thoughts, my feelings. All I feel is a consistent knot in my chest. I've got no one to comfort me.

 

I'm just lost. So damn lost.

148 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 323

So things have changed. Maybe not for the best.

I still want to be with you, like no other. But you've got someone else. I've put it as my priority to not disrespect what you have, but that doesn't make me want you any less. I just wish you could see that I have potential. I really have not liked someone this much in a while, and I just wish I could show you that. I'm not saying, jump on my boat and be mine; I'm saying let me be your friend that you can confide to. But then again, I really don't know how to be a friend. I've never really been good at it. But I swear I can try. For you, yeah, I'd try anything.

 

Scary, but true.

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Dear Gary Fan 322

Well fuck, fuck, fuck.

 

Adam and I broke up, correct? Correct. Well that was a while ago. Things that have happened since.

-Regionals I met Jacob. He was absolutely wonderful. He came down to see me from another state, and everthing went well. This was great. I thought I had a shot, but he just dropped me. He was too busy and I can see that. But I think he doesn't like me as much as he says he does.

-Spring break. I kissed a family friend's son. We've had this not so serious thing going on on the weekends. And it isn't all too bad. But the summer is coming up and its around the corner and we had said we'd talk about maybe making it serious. Gf/bf style. I say no.

-Beach weekend. I was with the frat and got slightly intoxicated. I kissed a brother. I just craved a warm body. But whatever. He asked me out on a date and we went. It was nice. And we kissed. But there was nothing else. It was like I was just going through the motions.

-Ex boyfriend. I met up with him this weekend, and when we were together we were fine. Great actually. All the feelings came back. But the moment I got to Clemson. Gone. That's not right, ya know. So there's no potential there.

-Now there's Chestley. No.

-Russian grad. No

-Danielle. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. She came out of the blue. So obviously, I've been playing the field. Right? Yes. I was in a relationship for 2 years with a guy who wanted to know my every move, thought, action, everything. He didn't trust me. And well, what ever. It just wasnt all that great. So I was planning on being single and just playing the field. Well, here is Danielle. I've had a crush on her since I met her, so since last semester while I was pledging. But the great thing was that I wasn't pursuing it. Right? Just look and feel, but dont touch. That was my stance on it. But she was a serious instigator on that front. Any who, now that I was single, she seemed like she wanted to hang out. ESPECIALLY since she bitched me out for breaking up with my ex when she was plastered. So we hung out, flirted. It was great. Then one of her roommate's girlfriend told me that she was seeing someone. I backed off. Which was good. Ya know, I try to be good. But we flirt on Monday. And I slip up. I made a comment and called her cute. And instead of backing down and playing it off (which was probably what I should have done), I ended up telling her I liked her. Awesome right? No. We hung out last night. Now that shit was fucking amazing. But she kept pushing me away and then back. I was confused. Especially since I asked her about girl and she told me things were rough and that her girl had cheated on her. I , being blind and ridiculously distracted, thought that meant they were no longer together. At least for a bit. Heh. No. And she told me this in the middle of hanging out. Now what I should have done was walk away. But no, I was hooked. Gah, it was just a crush. But the moment I kissed her and touched her, it was so much more. I'm hooked. I told her I'd go with the flow, what ever she wanted. And I mean I will. But it would have been easier if it was just a crush. Now I can't get her out of my head and I just want to see her. Just see her. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Well, at least I realized that I am dropping everyone else, but her. I'm not "taken", still free as a bird; but she's somewhere I'd love to come back to. I would have a relationship with her. For real. Crazy, maybe. But its okay. I just gotta stick through this. I'd rather fall for her, and her not catch me; than having someone fall for me and me not catching them.

237 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 321

After two years of being with Adam. I've called it quits. Feelings inside of me are still there. I see him or he touches me, my body aches to be with him. But its not the same. What's changed? I was madly inlove with him. I read my past posts, and I see how much I loved him. How much I cared? How do I get all of that back? And why did it leave?

 

He is a good man. He loves me andd is willing to stand by me through anything. Am I just scared of the commitment? Could that be it? Once I realize its serious, I freak? If that's it, then I need to ask myself, what is wrong with me?

 

Why am I not happy? I have everything I wanted? Where is my joy anyore? Again I say, I feel broken. Like I need to runaway and start over again. But why? I've got school, classes, friends, brothers, family, and a man who loves me. Why am I not happy? What is just not clicking in my head? What do I even want? Cause see that doesnt make sense either. I want to be free, but I dont want to be alone. I want to care but then I dont. I want someone to love me, but then I dont. I legitimately need to revaluate myself. And pronto.

160 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 320

Sit diary reaopening could not have come at a better time. Aah, I needed this. Get ready for me to spill in the next 24 hours about everything.

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Dear Gary Fan 319

Sometimes I really need to remember this thing is around to help me out.

 

Well, its the end of the semester and Its 3 in the morning. Im trying to finish a term paper, four pages, single spaced. Wonderful, eh. Not really. A lot has happened though.

 

Recently, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and its been really hard for the family. I'll spare details, but a  lot of medical mistakes were made. And I wanna kill a doctor. Hopefully I never meet the son of a bitch. Everything is slightly better now though. We've all accepted it and we're trying to do our best to deal with the situation. Its hard dealing with it alone though. I'm so far away from the family that sometimes I feel like I'm  not part of it. But now that the semester is coming to an end, there will be time to remedy that. Right?

 

Other than that, I've felt broken. Two weeks ago i had appendicitis and had to take my appendix out. An appendectomy they call it. And yeah, that was all fine and dandy. But now my tummy hurts again, and I KNOW its not my appendix, cause I don't have one. With all the troubles we've been having at the house, I decided not to tell my parents. Now I'm thinking it was a very very very bad move. Hopefully its nothing serious. Hopefully I didnt screw up. And hopefully they understand. Maybe?

156 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 318

Its been two weeks since college as started

 

And, I love it. I really do. Even though it may be one of the scariest things I'll ever go through by myself, I feel like i'm finding and learning about myself in a way that i never have before. I'm learning to be independent, truly independent. Feeding myself, keeping my place clean, managing my time, things like that. Its a wonderful, yet lonely feeling. Even though my family is always by my side and I'll always have my boyfriend, I constantly feel like I'm facing this alone. But that's the beauty of it, because I'll learn how strong I am, and I'll learn my weaknesses and my strengths.

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Dear Gary Fan 317

Some days you realize...

 

That you're completely, utterly, and hopelessly in love. It's not every day because normally you take it for granted and sometimes you don't even think about it much. You don't actually sit there and think about the relationship, you just know you love them and they're with you. But some days, it hits you. You feel it in every fiber of your being. You feel like you're incomplete, as cliche as that sounds. But there's an ache, a desire, a want in your chest and it's calling out for one person. Not by name, but by feeling, heh or by heart. You just breathe in and feel this ache. But you know if you followed this ache, it'd lead you to this person. And everything you see or hear or even think is related to this person. And you smile or frown at whatever memory that came to mind. But that's wonderful, because even if its a bad memory, the aching of your chest settles for a bit.... that's how you know you got the right person. Or you're on the right track to filling that ache, or emptiness. But then you think of when that ache started, and you realize that it moment, the second, the milisecond, the nanosecond, they stopped holding you. The moment they turned to walk away. The moment you knew they were leaving. In the split second the pain started and you were frantically trying to hold on. To not let them leave, and its not even because of the pain because in that moment you're not thinking about that. All you're thinking about is them. Them leaving, them being there, them. JUST them. And the moment they're gone, the moment you don't feel them anymore, all you're longing for is to grab their attention, to speak to them.

 

That you're family is wonderful, even with all their ups and all their downs. That you can spend a whole day, sitting outside and spending time with them. With out wanting to kill them and wanting them to shut up. You realize you don't want to leave and that you'll actually miss them.

 

Heh, I guess I've been very thoughtful today.

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Dear Gary Fan 316

Don't come see me. That's all I can say.

 

Your parents are right. It's not fair. And the only way to fix that is by telling you to not come over. Next time I'll see you is when I come to your house. Which I don't know when that'll be, the first weekend after I start school? Maybe, who knows.

 

But god this hurt. All these complications. They're unnecessary, but they hurt. I hate that its hurting you, and I hate its hurting me. It's hurting our relationship too. And making me literally sick. I just hope we get through this cause we have a lot more ahead of us.

220 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 315

One day from our 7th month anniversary.

 

And it was wonderful. I was so giddy and girly when you got to the door. And you noticed. It was wonderful, I had missed you so much. Every look was exhilarating, every touch was electrifying. Letting you go home was hard, I didn't want you to leave at all. I felt so right in your arms. So alive as you held me close. Honestly, I felt complete. And I laughed and smile until my face hurt. That only happens when you're around baby. I hope we stay together for as long a possible, and if it's forever, I definitely don't mind.

 

Happy 7 months, baby. You've made me the happiest I've ever been. I'm so lucky to have a man that truly loves me. I love you for being you and for loving and accepting me for who I am. I love you.

204 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 314

I fell in love with you, it wasn't hard. You're special to me, you say you love me and you act like you do. So I definitely don't doubt that you do.

 

Summer's ending, I'm going off and you're staying here. Even at this moment I can't have you when I want, or see you when I want, or even talk to you when I want. So when I'm somewhere else, what will happen? I don't want it to end, I love you too much. But everything is getting much harder. Am I being naive to think that you and I will work? Its hard now, and it'll be harder later. So what do I do? Baby, I love you. You have no idea how much I love you. Everyone around me is saying that I'm too young and dumb to fall in love now. I have my future to look forward to. And it's true, school is the first priority, but we've both agreed to that. Baby, I want you. I love you. I just want to make this work. Someone help me make this work. I need this, I need you. I love you.

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Dear Gary Fan 313

Tomorrow is orientation.

 

This a huge step towards me future.

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Dear Gary Fan 312

In a week it'll be our 6th month anniversary. I'm so happy. At first I didn't think we could have come this far, but we did. And I'm so utterly in love with this boy, and I can tell he cares about me too. This whole relationship has been a bumpy road and something unexpected, but baby, we've made it. And we'll have many more annivesaries to come. I love you. I love you. I love you. You make me so unbelievably happy. I hope you never forget that you are the one I love.

117 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 311

I feel like I've made a series of mistakes. Lets just hope I can overcome them.

 

Dammit. Again this feeling of not being enough. It's driving me insane. Incredibly insane. I don't know what to do about it either. I never do. Which messes things up even more. Dam.

 

On the brightside of things, Graduation is coming up. Woo hoooooo. Almost an unemployed 18 year old being thrown out into the world hoping and waiting to see her if her dreams come true or shatter.

Wonderful, eh?

117 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 310

My 18th birthday has come and gone, honestly.... I do feel older. It sounds ridculous, but its true. My mom has given me more room to have 'me' time. I'd say she had let go of the leash, but nah, i think she just gave me a longer leash. lol. Anyway, my 18th birthday was great. Lots of surprises. One of them was my car, not the actual car, but the decorations on it. One of my friends wrote all over it, and I heard about it, but I hadn't seen it. And when I did, I liked it a lot. I still haven't taken it off. Hahaha. And my boyfriend, he went out of his way to make my day special. And he did, he was so sweet. :) Everything else did not go as planned, but it did work well. :D

153 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 309

Yesterday was a good day. I was in a good mood and I hung out with Adam afterschool, which was great like always.

 

Today though, I woke up in a good mood and it was a good morning, until i started serving breakfast. Everything was fine and all, but I got five plates, five forks, and five glasses. Problem is that we're four now. Eck it just made me think of my grandpa. I miss him, ya know? Oh well, everything else is good. I've had a productive morning. Well, as productive as it gets. I woke up, crawled into my parents bed, then went outside in the sun and drank coffee as i talked to my parents about anything we could possibly think of. Then I cooked, ate, and did some internet surfing. :) Now I must get ready cause I think I may have a lot of things to do. Not sure yet. Heh.

241 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 308

Adam and I are really good right now. We're planning on going to prom, on going trips over the summer, and seeing eachother while I'm off at college. It seems pretty naive to plan that far ahead, but it's relieving. I don't know why, but to me it means that he's planning on sticking with me for a longggg time. Which, again I say, is relieving. It hasn't happened to me often. On the other hand it's really nerve wrecking cause it's making me want to excel in this relationship... and if it fails. I failed. Don't want that at all. :/ But anyway, so far so good. :D

259 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 307

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a while. Although things didn't go as planned, WE DEFIITELY DIDN'T GO DOWNTOWN and IT DEFINITELY WASN'T AS SUNNY AS I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE. But it was okay. Actually, it was great. I met his family, might not remember everyone's name though. But I finally know faces. Then I hung out with his friends. Then we finally had that time alone we both so desperately wanted. And don't think badly, there was NO SEX. We just layed together, curled up, talking about anything and everything. It was great. I couldn't have asked for a better day, or a better boyfriend. But last night was horrible, I couldn't go to sleep. I wanted him beside me, holding me. I was terribly cold and I knew that the only way I could really warm up was if he was beside me. I missed him so much. But all the good moments make up for the ones that are 'bad' :)

238 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 306

Everyday we have problems, but honestly, it's okay. I love you, beyond reason.

 

You make my heart sing, you make me wonder, you make me love you more everyday.

215 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 305

I'm supposed to open up to you, but sometimes I don't know if I want to. I'm too scared that all I'll say will be used against me. I don't make sense, and things I say don't either... Do I tell you the truth? Yes, but does that mean it's constant? No.

 

And I don't knwo what to do, every day there's a problem. I'm sick of it, but I'm still fighting for this. Why? I don't know anymore. I get mad at you for no reason, but you get me happy for being there.

 

I'm absolutely confused. I know I love you, but am I supposed to be this scared of this? I know I don't want to lose you, I'm more scared of that than anything else.. But is it supposed to be this hard?

141 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 304

Funny how life is, last post i was speaking of my grandfather's death, and this one's going to be about it too.

 

Yesterday morning, he passed away. At first, all i could do was cry.

 

But now I'm happy, he's finally with my grandmother. He's not alone, he's just himself. He worried himself about us, now he doesn't have to. He always felt sad because he couldn't share moments with me, like concerts, but now he can. I was afraid he wasn't going to be able to see me grow into the women he wanted me to be, but i realize now that he has the best view. 

I'll miss him a lot, but he'll be happier now. :)

 

RIP GRANDPA

OCT 1927- FEB 2011

262 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 303

Not one problem stays constant. Not recently at least. Things turn around one moment and then they do 180 and come back to bite me. Maybe that's one thing I should love about life, but sometimes I don't know. All these changes makes it hard for one to really realize what's going on, but this just may be a way of life letting me know I shouldn't worry about what's going to happen next or when it's going to happen. Maybe that's it, but doesn't mean I have to enjoy that fact, correct?

 

So I guess life can sabotage my ill grandfather at any moment in time with out even a warning.

 

 

So I may need to let go of him, love him as much as I can, and find my loved ones once they're gone so they can comfort me..... or at least try.

282 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 302

Too many ups and downs to count.

Sometimes he says goodbye as if he's dying at the moment, then he's struck by hapiness. I don't know how to deal with any of it, so I'm terrified to spend endless amounts of time with him.

 

Ugh, this whole situation is crud.

 

The bad part is, it hasn't even happened and I'm already falling apart.

116 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 301

Midterm week.

Weekend has been horrible, Grandpa's been sick. He may die. I'm scared, so scared.

Snowed in, goddamn. I want my friends.

252 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 300

Christmas around the corner, and eight days of novena have past. And the only thing I've asked for christmas is strength. I need my mother to regain her strength because I've realized she's the corner stone of this family. Not just of us four, but for our extended family as well. Everyone looks up to her and expects her to get through everything. Which in normal circumstances, she can. But since Grandma died last year, and her brother broke her heart when he came to visit, things have changed. Now that my grandpa is ill, and there's nothing we can do. I can't help but wonder how we're going to get through this. With out her being strong, how on Earth will we be strong? But that's my one wish this christmas, I want her to regain her strength. I want her to love life again and run around annoying the shit out of everyone. That's who she is, and with out that... how am I supposed to be who I am?

Heh. Which brings me to something else. Over the christmas break, I've realized how much I am like her. When I first realized it though, it worried me beyond reason. Me? Like my insane mother? But something changed, now I enjoy the fact that I'm so much like her. Yeah, she's got her faults, but everything else makes up for it and more.  I mean look at the last paragraph. How can such a small woman take care of her ill father, her routine-loving husband, her confused son, and her overwhelming daughter (the one who doesn't make little fuck ups, but big ones). Who on earth could deal with all that and be happy. And not to mention the rest of her family. AND not to mention the immense culture clash she still deals with everyday. Her coming from a sexist country, where the man did everything and the woman just watched. She rose from that, married, had children, and raised them in 37264163643872 different countries. Learning a new language in each of those damn countries. I mean, seriously... damn. She's gotta be superwoman, right? Well, now guess what... I'm beginning to be like her. And hell yes, I'll fly and fight evil one day. And I'll be goddamn proud of it.

And as for guys, which has been my main focus through out this internet diary, fuck them. They'll come and go, and one will finally stay for the rest of my life. And if he doesn't, so what? I can live with out him or with him. Doesn't matter, but what ever life throws at me, I'll throw it back ten times harder.

By the way, Merry Christmas.

 

Especially, you, Carrie.

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Dear Gary Fan 299

Oh boy, you'd think things would change.

But recently they've stayed the same. Which I can't complain about. One that has changed was the fact that I've met some of my cousins. They're super cool dudes. Other than that, the guy situation is iffy and not changing much. Although I might see Tato soon. Yay? Maybe, cause things will get even more confusing after that. 

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Dear Gary Fan 298

I don't need you to tell me how you feel about me.

 

I can see it in the way you speak to me and in the way you act towards me. I realize now that you think we were a mistake, and maybe you're right. Timing was off. Which didn't help at all. Maybe you judge me for the way things went down, but there's nothing I can do about that. Honestly, there's nothing I can do about any of it. But it's fine. As long as there's still a relationship - as in friendship - it'll be fine. Maybe down the road you'll change your mind, or maybe I will. Or maybe it'll all stay the same, but it'll be fine. I guess what I'm just trying to say is that a definition on our relationship doesn't have to happen today or any other day. Because I'm smart enough to figure it out, since we don't hide things very well. On that note, I'm fine. Always fine.

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Dear Gary Fan 297

I made up my mind.

 

Not for one option or the other, but for what was better in general. Option one was holding me down and not giving anything in return. Nothing changed with him, and actually, he just got me in deep shit. But I didn't care enough anymore. I didn't feel like waiting, I didn't feel like anything with him. Everything was bland and boring and I didn't want that.

 

While option two is still open, well maybe. But I don't want to push it. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, I still have an amazing friend who I can rely on.

 

Right now, I just need to focus on what's in front. Which is college applications, IB program, and most importantly of all my friends and my family. I need to finally need to make deep connections with my friends because I know there are no others like them. And I need to get over my fear of getting too close, because if I don't... I'll just end up pushing them all aside.

 

So goal for my life right now is to be me and accept the things that life hands me. 

 

Make lemonade out of the lemons being chucked at me. Heh, if I catch them that is. 

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Dear Gary Fan 296

Life's so tricky.

 

You get what you wanted for so long, when you don't desire it as much. But I mean, you still have it, so you're not complaining. Then you want something else, life lets you have a taste of it, but never really tells you whether you have it or not. Then you don't know what to choose. If you keep what you have but don't desire you're not left empty handed, but empty hearted. If you choose you're other option, you might be left empty handed and empty hearted. So which to choose? Obviously the one that you have only one thing to lose, right? Not right. Cause let's go back to that option and put more details. With what you have, you're not happy, but you're not sad. Nothing's changed, other than the fact that you're not alone. Also, prior to now, this option hurt you more than once, or twice. He enjoyed confusing you because you'd never get to know him or figure him out. While the other option is quite amazing. He's nice and won't fuck you over. But will you? And on top of that, you don't even know if anything will happen or it'll mean anything.

 

God damn these options. 

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Dear Gary Fan 295

It's been a month since I've written, as a friend reminded me. (Thanks Carrie :] )

And in this month, a lot has changed.

 

 

The anniversary of Gary's death happened during this month, and he was remembered dearly. All the memories of him resurfaced at once, which was good and bad at the same time. Good because I knew I wasn't forgetting him, and bad because it hurt to know that those memories were final and no new memories would be made. 

 

 

Other things that changed were things concerning boys. 

 

One was Adam.-

At the beginning of the month, I refused to have a conversation with Adam. This was because I was fed up with waiting for him. At that point, I just wanted to stop everything that had to do with him, because it was doing more harm than good. I was very successful until we literally ran into each other a couple of weeks after I started cutting him out of my life. Then during Spirit week, we both attended school events and we started talking. But I was determined to leave it in terms of friends. BUT OBVIOUSLY that failed. After Tuesday, we were officially in a relationship. But I don't know how I feel about it. It's not exciting, it's not anything new. It's just there. I feel like we waited too long, and this is basically pointless. But that might be because of the other boy. :/

 

Two was Hammy:

He was the one that convinced me to finally move on from Adam. Something that I truly wanted to do, and something that I did very well for a bit. But then I started liking him a lot more. At times it didn't seem like I had at chance, but at others it did. Then he'd walk around holding hands with someone else. So I admit it, I was incredibly confused, but it didn't matter. He's just a really sweet guy, and I just wanted to be a good girl. I just wanted or want to show him that there are some women out there that aren't as selfish as his ex-girlfriend. I wanted to show him that not everyone takes advantage of him. But I do realize that he's in the same (er... almost) position I was with Adam. Which is a very complicated situation. VERY complicated.

 

Other than that, everything has stayed the same. School's still going on, but stress has built up. BUT, I do have something to look forward to. Monday there's going to be a Halloween Party, which is greatly needed at this point because everyone (I presume) is stressed and we just need to hang out. And what better way to de-stress, than a party! :D Anyway, I won't be a stranger on my own blog anymore, that's a promise.

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Dear Gary Fan 294

It's a hard knock life for me.

 

Life's not that hard. Or it doesn't seem that way. Just very confusing at the moment. Loads of ups and downs. Although more downs than ups lately. But anyway, it's just been dull. Nothing has actually come together, it just gets really close and breaks away at a possible sign of touching and becoming something. Which reminds me a lot of.. well.. me. Heh. I do believe that I'm a scaredy cat who cannot hold on to what she wants because in someway she believes that it is wrong for her to be happy. So maybe I'm the one messing everything up? Maybe.

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Querida Abuela 293

I miss you. It's been a year, and I miss you so much. I wish you were here with us. Grandpa and mommy would be much happier if you were. :/ I miss you. The end.

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Dear Gary Fan 292

Mom was tired of everything. That 's why she put us all in that position. Lovely, eh.

 

Now Adam's gone missing, well from me. I haven't actually seen him since Tuesday. And haven't actually spoken to him since Monday. Which sucks, a lot. Maybe it's for the best?

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Dear Gary Fan 291

Family's about to crumble.

 

I thought divorces were about, affairs, lack of love, secrets, addictions, or abuse. I never thought it was between two people who love each other until the ends of the earth. Have I been so naive?

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Dear Gary Fan 290

My brother's twenty one now. He's birthday was crazy too! :)

 

It started Sunday by going to Quaker Steak. We some some really nice cars and looked under some hoods. And all the cars sounded like vrooom vrooommmmm. It was a sexy noise, but Adam threatened to ruin the night because he got mad at me. He doesn't like and understand the fact that I can't go over to where he lives so I can hang out with him and his friends. FIRST, I think he should come to my house and meet my parents... Well not my parents, at least come to me. And then I'll go hang out with him and his friends. But that's just what I think. Anywho, he was mad. So I asked that if it bothered him and if it did then maybe we should quit while we were at it. Then he stopped texting. THEN I went into the bar with my brother's girlfriend and her friend, and a couple of old dudes started checking me out. (Ew, I know). So they asked me if I was twenty one, and I answered, no. I'm underage. :P But after that I bought my brother his first beer. And that was the end of the night, except for me driving home at one or so.

 

Then MONDAY, I didn't go to school. So I went to Ross and bought three dresses , one for my mom, the other for me (so I could wear it to the dinner my parents were having for my brother) and the third one was for me too. I couldn't help the last one, it just looked too good. :) Then I went with my brother and his girlfriend to the movies and watched the Takers. It's a very good movie, but very confusing. Then it was my brother's dinner party, and I was looking smoking hot. :) I really tried cause I just wanted to look really good for my brother's party. You know, special occasion and all. Anywho, after a couple of cosmopolitans, my brother asked if I wanted to join their bar hopping adventure. And then I changed, and went with my brother, Virgil, Chris, and my brother's girlfriend on their adventure. It was incredibly funny, but we got home at two or three in the morning.

 

Then TUESDAY morning my mom told me that I had to go to the doctor cause I looked and felt very sick. This made me miss half of the school day, but it didn't really matter cause I honestly did not want to go back to school. When I did get there Adam and I barely spoke and barely hugged. Which bothered me a lot. The awkwardness kept going through out Wednesday and most of Thursday. It sort of dissolved when he said I looked really cute. And now Friday was AWESOME. Adam and I are back to normal, and it just made everything great. I honestly loved it. Monday we're planning on seeing a movie together. And I cannot go to sleep because of it. I really hope it happens, and if it does.... we'll see what we end up being, whether in a relationship or just giving up and just being friends. So I have my fingers crossed, hope this works. OHHHH, but today he got super jealous. I could tell. Before seventh, I waited for him but he didn't come for a while so I saw Ardy and started walking with him to class. Then we stopped and talked before we were going to part ways, and I swear we were talking about math and calculators. And I see Adam walking towards me, which made me want to end the conversation with Ardy, but I decided to ignore Adam and pretend I didn't see him. But he walks right up to me as Ardy was talking and wraps his arms around me waist, all possesive and 'she's my girl' kind of way... and Ardy attempts to finish his sentence, but just ends up walking off. I felt bad, but Adam was like... I didn't mean to do that, but I think I might have hurt his ego. So I just told him that it was okay, as long as he didn't do it on purpose. Which I swear he did. Anyway, it made me feel wanted by him. :) Mannn, he makes me go crazyyy.

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Dear Gary Fan 289

Things have been so confusing.

 

Adam's been crazy. He's a really confusing boy. He flirts, and flirts, and flirts, and flirts. And sometimes, I think he's waiting for a kiss, but that will NOT happen unless we're dating.

 

Anywho, I'm in a good place right now. Good friends and a good life. Except for the stacks of amounts of homework, and lack of sleep. But that's okay as long as I have a lot of coffee and I laugh a lot. I looked like a crazy nut, but it was A-OKAY. Cause at least I was entertained and so were my friends. But anyway, senior year's good. I'm going to miss my first day at school on Monday cause it's my brother's 21st birthday. I will most likely be his designated driver, so that's exciting? Hahaha.

 

On another note, the anniversary of my grandma's death is coming up. And I honestly don't know how to handle it. I haven't actually dealt with her death since it happened. So I don't know how things are going to go. I'm so scared that I'll break down like I did last year. But unlike this year, I have people who'll help me pick up the pieces, I hope?

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Dear Gary Fan 288

I'm such a pitiful teenager!

 

First, I cry over running an inevitable red light. Then I listen to sad songs, and then I feel bad for everything. Do I feel like I just need to be sad for a while? Has my inner conscious ran out of good-happy-feelings, that now I have to wallow in self-pity? I say no. It's not going to happen. I'm sorry, but no. If I'm sad, it's must be for a reason that I can understand, otherwise, fuck ittt. :P

 

 

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Dear Gary Fan 287

Carrie, you left me. :P I kid, I kid.

 

So someone explain this too me because it seems like a foreign concept to me. How can someone say '(s)he completes me' at my age? Does that make sense? It doesn't to me.

How can someone ask you out after the first day of getting to know you? Do people feel as everything should go faster than what it's supposed to?

 

I've realized that everyone wants to go at super speed in life, when they don't realize things just develop. Maybe it just happens to people who are younger, cause I'm pretty sure I've done it too. Nevermind, this is diary is my proof that I've done it too. But I mean, I don't understand why we all want to go fast and not the speed limit. Do we want to get from point A to point B as fast as possible with out the regard of the amount of casualties that will happen along the way? I do realize that I'm making car analogies, but it makes sense that way. It seems more odd than if I just said that people going way too fast into a relationship is ri-donk-ulous.

 

This is my rant for the day. Advice on why people, mostly teenagers, do this is greatly appreciated.

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Dear Gary Fan 286

School has started, but it started all wrong.

 

First day: I stayed up really late finishing up some summer assignments my parents had prevented me from finishing, so when I was on the way to school I had to buy an energy drink, which I didn't get to drink until lunch because we were almost late. THENNNN, my schedule was all wrong and I realized that the only class I had picked for myself was the one I was unable to have because of schedule conflicts. Then I after that I was incredibly tired and just sad. And going back to the school made me feel alone. So although I was surrounded by a bunch of people, I felt as I was the only one walking from class to class. Most of my friends, who I usually talked to, weren't in any of my classes, so that made me feel even more alone than before. So that was an incredibly scary and sad experience, but I knew that when I'd get home my parents would be waiting to hear all the details from school. But alas, that didn't happen because they've been super busy remodeling the bathroom. Which is good, and I understand, but that just made me feel worse. I wanted to rant, and I had nobody that I trusted enough to do it. So I was just left alone with a book. Which is good for the most part, but yeah, I really needed someone at the moment. But I guess I understand.

 

Second day: I was still going by my messed up schedule but I was hoping that it would be fixed. Which it wasn't but I wasn't that worried about it because I had already seen the guidance counselour and he said he'd fix it as soon as possible. Which was a great relief since I thought that I could get everything I wanted this year (referring to classes, of course). Then I do believe I had to talk to a few teachers in order to see if I was allowed to take their classes independently. They agreed, so that was a relief as well. Over all the day was a lot better than the first day, which, again, was a relief.

 

Third day: Morning was quick, we left earlier, but we got stuck behind a broken down car. Not that bad though because we still got to school early enough for me to drink my juice. Anyway, Adam was really nice and it was sort of like old times. With out the smuuushyyy kissy stuff. Which I must admit, I miss a lot. But it's okay because I'm going to get over him. With time, I'll forget about what we had. I think? Anyway, it was pretty good. Adam walked me to my locker, and well... he hugged me like he used to. Not a we're-friends kind of hug, it was a I'm-going-to-wrap-my-arms-around-you-and-have-you-as-close-as-possible-for-as-long-as-possible kind of hug. Which took me by surprise, but it's okay. I won't fall for it. Promise. But after that, my schedule got all fixed and tomorrow I should have a normal day as a Senior. :) Things will turn out great this year. I'm determined to make it so.

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Dear Gary Fan 285

Last night was undeniably horrid.

I felt so sad for absolutely no reason. I couldn't sleep and I didn't understand what was wrong. I felt so bad that I actually went to my parents bed and asked if I could sleep with them. I'm seventeen years old and when ever I have nightmares I make my way to my parents bed with a blanket and a teddy bear. Just knowing my parents are there by my side makes me feel a ton better. Don't know why. Just does.

 

Anyway, on another note. I'm freaking out about school. Senior year and college applications. I have no idea what's going to happen or how I'm going to be on my own in less than one year. That just officially freaks me out. :( Damn.

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Dear Gary Fan 284

Yesterday I got a car. :D Epic. :)

I love my Ford Fusion. :-)

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Dear Gary Fan 283

My famil is officially die hard football fanatics.

 

We've arranges our whole Florida vacation around this world cup. :)

 

I love it. Btw, I'm investing on a Oezil jersey, or a German Flag. I love me some Germans. :D

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Dear Gary Fan 282

I should probably considered anti-social.

 

Everyone that gets close, I push away. I say horrible things. And I manipulate the people close to me. I'm a bitch for real, and now I know it. I do what I want with a disregard to others. I read what I want into people and I hold grudges that were stupid in the first place. I believe I don't need anyone, which is quite absurd. I play with people's feeling and put them to blame for the things I've done. I lie for my benefit. And now, I don't know who the fuck I am.

 

I need to change. I need to quit being such a bitch. I need to figure shit out, forreal.

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Dear Gary Fan 281

Today has been hectic.

 

There was screaming, driving, crying, and the 'I want to kill myself' feeling. Absolutely horrible. But whatever. Two more days and I'll be in Florida. :)

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Dear Gary Fan 280

Oh sweetie, you're a bore.

 

 

Basically how my life is right now, I think. But things have happened and stuff. First of all, I went to the mall last week, the day before I went to get my license and stuff, and I bought things but I had an odd encounter with a man that was selling hairstraighteners. He was from Israel, and he was really nice. Totally hitting on me though. He asked if he could straighten my hair and if I would buy the straightner if he convinced me it was the best buy on the planet. Of course I told him I had no intention of buying the straightner because I didn't have that kind of money. So he just asked if we could chat while he straightned my hair, so we did and once we were done I was going to leave, but he stopped me and asked if I would go to coffee with him. Then he told me his age, and I ran. He was 21, tooooooooo oldddddddddd forrrrrrrrr meeeeeeeeeeee. Still funny and I'm quite flattered. :)

 

Then Friday, I went to get my license and I passed. :) Twas great. Haven't driven though. :( But on the brightside, I've spoken to Blee a lot more. He's been really nice and we kinda just talk a lot. It's pretty great. It's like we're best friends all over again. I love it! :) I don't feel so utterly alone anymore. Which is good, civilization is very good. Sometimes. Hehe.

 

But anyway, the relationship between my brother and I has improved. A bit. Still really shaky which always throws me off. We used to be so close. So I don't understand why there's such hostility between us. I kind of always feel like I'm still mad at him for leaving and making my grandpa cry. I feel like... he got off too easy. And every one just praises him because he came back, not because he changed. Because he hasn't. He never will, he'll still be the same. But whatever, what does it matter what I feel. I just help and comply.

 

Oh well, going to Florida in a week. I should get packing. :D I'm excited. :)

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Dear Gary Fan 279

Carrie, you're crazy. :)

 

I'll make a legit post tonight. Just for you. :P

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Dear Gary Fan 278

Goal not accomplished. It was too hot.

 

This goal thing isn't good. It's summer, I should not make plans. Cause summer isn't for that.

 

Happy birthday, Gary Fan. I miss you a lot.

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Dear Gary Fan 277

Goal for June 14th, 2010, not accomplished.

 

Sorry, I got distracted. My brother ended up with the car, but then Jean came over. We watched the soccer game of Italy vs Paraguay. It was good, but it was tied. 1-1, but it was a very entertaining game.

 

Goal for tomorrow,  going to the pool.

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Dear Gary Fan 276

Goal for June 13th, 2010.

 

Accomplished. Germany beat Australia four to nothing. An epic win for my team, but I knew they could do it. Today it's Italy vs Paraguay, let's hope that Italy beasts this so my number goes up. Although I'm not fond of Italy at all, but what ever. A games a game, and damn, soccer is just the best.

 

Goal for today, cut my hair.

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Dear Gary Fan 275

Goal for June 12th, 2010, still not accomplished. :/

 

Goal for tomorrow: Watch the soccer matches and make a prediction where my team wins.

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Dear Gary Fan 274

Task of June 11th, 2010 not completed.

 

We got distracted with the WORLD CUPPPPP. Which totally should have been my goal for today since we spent hours in front of the TV yelling and dancing and cheering. My mom had to get something to cover the passageway between her office and the kitchen because we were being soooo damn loud.

South Africa VS Mexico: 1-1

Uruguay VS France: 0-0

 

Lets hope tomorrow's games are not tied. :/

 

ENGLAND BETTER BEASTTTTTT. Just saying.

 

Tomorrow's goal, I WILL GO SHOPPING WITH MY GRANDPA.

 

Pinky promise.

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Dear Gary Fan 273

Goal for June 10th, 2010 accomplished.

 

Jean picked me up at 1 and we went to school to get our report cards. Which was super fun. All I did was laugh while we were on our way there. He's a funny man. As soon as we got there, we were ushered to Ms. Sears because we forgot to pay our dues. And I got:

 

AP US History - 71

IB German SL - 89

Calculus BC - 87

IB Chemistry - 88

AP/IB Psychology - 71

AP English - 92

AP Physics - 85

AP Spanish - 99

 

So basically, I'M A SENIORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Exciting, eh.

 

And my adventure with Jean was great. All we did was drive around and laugh. It was GREAT. We then went to Sonic and drank milkshakes. Hehehe. We sat and talked and made plans for next time. There's not much to say. Twas great though. He's a fun dude.

 

Goal for tomorrow: go shopping with my Grandpaaa. :D

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Dear Gary Fan 272

Oh hey, goal for June 9th, 2010 was accomplished. With out the glitter, though.

 

I babysitted three little girls that are sweet and cute. They were very obedient and my grandpa looked adorable running behind them. Yup, my grandpa and I are the best babysitting team EVER. I played with Ana, a five year old girl, so while I was running behind Ana, my grandpa was following Valeria, a two year old girl. It was  great. At one point my grandpa stood in the middle of the playground and Valeria ran around the perimeter of the playground yelling and screaming. It was great, she was running for no reason; but it wore her out. While my girl, Ana, was being wore out as she climbed up and down the slides. Then Eva, a seven year old girl, came out of her swimming class and she was already super tired. So babysitting twas grrrreat. Eva actually wanted to take me home. Makes me feel purdy special.

 

And the glitter, was forgotten. I sorry. But I promised the girls that we would make tye-dye shirts. That will be a goal to come.

 

Goal for tomorrow, get report card and have an adventure with JEAN. :)

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Dear Gary Fan 271

Goal for June 8th 2010 was accomplished. Seperately though.

 

I did wake up early in the morning, more like three. This is a regular habit of mine, I don't know why, but it's just something about three o'clock in the morning that just intrigues me greatly. Ad after a few minutes, I usually fall asleep. But that wasn't the case for today, since the outside light kept turning on and off. I was also having some purrrdy crazy dreams. In one, some one let me borrow a razor and I cut until a steady flow was coming from my arms. Then I asked a kid if I could borrow a jacket and I told him that if I got any blood on it that I would wash it. Anyway, then I had to fight a demon, and then I woke up at eight in the morning. Just in time to say goodbye to my mommy.

 

Anyway, working out was a hassle. Well, not doing the excersizing or anything, but just getting out of the house. That was the hassle. In the morning I couldn't leave because I had to take care of my grandpa. And I didn't think I could get permission. Then in the afternoon, my brother was gone and I couldn't leave my grandpa alone; but then when my brother got back, he left again. Then finally when he decided to stay at the house for two or three hours (because he's watching a movie), I decided to take that time to convince my father to let me go to the gym. And OHHH MANNN, it was awesome. I was on the treadmill for twenty minutes, because I asked my dad for thirty minutes and I wanted to make sure I'd be home before then, and I walked .64 miles and burning 56 calories. Twas great. Now I feel like I could cure cancer and HIV, and I could get rid of world hunger. Obviously I can't do that at the moment, but I feel GREAT. That's basically my point.

 

Now I have a new addition to this goal making and accomplishing ordeal, at the end of each entry adding three impossible things.

 

1.  Listening to your iPod while chiling on the moon. Since there's a lack of oxygen sound waves wouldn't be able to travel through the 'air'. Bummer, eh.

2. Fitting in a rabbit hole. I'm going to admit it. I'm not that small.

3. Having a hairless Big Foot. They're meant to be hairy and big. That's what makes them... well... them? But maybe one day we could groom them.

 

Goal for tomorrow: Satisfy three little girls with glitter.

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Dear Gary Fan 270

I should start making daily goals.

 

I'm bored of just sitting. I need something to do. Maybe I should propose a goal everyday and then write about how I accomplished it. Seems kinda nice. I just have to do it. :P

 

But that's what I shall do.

Goal one: Make daily goals and accomplish them.

Goal two: Write about them.

So tomorrow my goal will be waking up early and excersizing. :) Hopefully this works.

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Dear Gary Fan 269

Summer has started, and it had started on the wrong foot.

 

I feel so weird and mad all the time. I feel jealous of my brother cause the moment he walks in, everyone is everything about him. It's insane.

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Dear Gary Fan 268

This is the start of a new year, new stresses, and so much more.

I feel as if it's going to be hard, but man, am I going to try. I'm going to try to do everything I can to make this year great. Cause 'Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year'. I promise that's true. So much is going to change.

 

Ready or not, here I comeeee.

<3

179 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 267

Last Day of school.

 

 

Then it's over!

 

Then we're over!

165 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 266

Three expected words, can bring a whole relationship right.

 

I love you.

 

He expected it, and I said it. Oh how stupid. I fell for it head first. Lets hope it doesn't backfire too much.

185 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 265

I find it rather odd...

 

That I'm growing up. Being independent. All I really need now a days is my family. I know it might be weird that a 17 year old girl is saying that, at this stage in life I should probably hate my parents and want to move out. But alas, I don't. But what I honestly find strange is the fact that I don't need to depend on anyone anymore. Maybe it's because certain people don't seem to care and I adapted to it. Or maybe it's because I've found out that being solo is an okay thing. I've found a lot about myself being solo (as in no real relationship, and no close friendships) like for example, I'm not as sad as I used to be. But that could have changed over time.... Hmm, well I've found out that I can stand on my own two feet. I can take responsibility for my own actions. And I can be who ever I want to be. Not what someone else wants me to be. Which is great, but very frustrating at the same time. Only cause you actually have to go through the journey on your own and not define yourself as any person but yourself. Because I used to say that I was a mixture of people, thoughts, experiences, ideas, and cultures. But that might not be so true. I'm just one person with beliefs that have come through a mixture of people, thoughts, experiences, ideas, and cultures. But I'm still just one person. Maria. :)

168 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 264

 Counting down the days.

 

I really am. I'll be a senior and I'll be able to get my license soon. Ahhhh, it's going to be great!

 

That's on one side. But then again, I'm honestly dreading it. Only five more days to see Adam. After that, it's over. It's completely over. I don't know how I'll handle that. I'm scared that I might love him. And I'm scared to tell him that. HE PROBABLY DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY, so what's the point? But I feel like I have to get it off my chest.

 

Should I or not? I guess we'll just see.

 

Still, my schedules gone haywire. Maybe it'll be normal during summer? DOUBT IT.

153 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 263

You! And Me! Dancing!

 

Yes, that's what we're doing. We take a step forward, and then three steps back. Then I have to work all over again to go back to where we were. Oh well, only eight more days of this? Then it's over. Maybe.

Anyway, I can't wait for summer. I'll be driving, going to the library, and getting much needed time to spend on myself. I'm toooooooo excited.

 

And I may get a new car. But it's a surprised. :)

184 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 262

Oh baby, we make no sense.

 

Let's go through today.

 

I get ready and I go to school, and Adam ignores me in the morning. He loves doing that, but he knows I won't go find him. Then I went off to Second Period and that lasted two hours. It sucked A) because it was two hours and B) because I was on medicine that made me feel really bad. Anyway, I went to Mrs. Kelly's room for thirty minutes, so I was basically hanging out with Adam. He's so sweet, but damn, so rough. Anyway, as we were walking out of class he grabbed my hand. And we held hands (which is a step forward in the right direction. :D), then in Fourth period, we did labs and then I took care of sick Eileen. Which made me feel great, you know, 'taking care of someone' part not the 'she's deadly sick part'. But after that, Adam and I were great. It's so lovely, just being with him and stuff. Man, I love that kid. But we really don't make sense. But we never have.

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Dear Gary Fan 261

Things continue to not make sense. I don't like it at all. One day we're all lovey-dovey and the next we don't talk. Meck. Me no likey.

168 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 260

Oh how funny my family is.

 

I love them, but they make no sense. I'm adamant about how this weekend I have to study because exams are next week, and they convince me that I should have Saturday off because everyone needs to rest. Then today, I tell them that I have an important essay due tomorrow, and they get mad at me for needing to do it. Which by the way, I still haven't done because they decided they wouldn't let me.

 

Oh well, on the other hand, I did have an enjoyable weekend. What about you?

191 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 259

Plans don't tend to go as planned.

 

True story, brah. I honestly was going to talk to him. I was one-hundred percent sure I was going to speak to him. But the person who convinced me to decided to say things that went against everything I stood for. And now in my mind I'm thinking, how on Earth can I base my decision of terminating anything with someone I truly care about on some person who thinks I should recognize that karma has come upon a friend of mine? It's just not right. I get it, she made a decision and everything went down hill, but why I on Earth would I be thinking that she had it coming to her? Shit happens, and shit did happen, in the past, but for God's sake, I'm not going to wallow in that. And that's when I realized, that what happened was so long ago, that I don't honestly care. It doesn't hurt anymore. What happened did happen, and everyone involved got over it. Life went ( and is still going ) on. And you know what, I will ask my potential significant other what he wants. If I can give him what he wants and it's what I want to, then we'll do it; if not, then sayonara although we'll probably still be friends.

 

Man, I hope this works.

194 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 258

"Today, will be hard..."

That's the updated the status of one of my dear friends. And I do think it sums up what today will be. I've decided (or someone has helped me decide) that I need to break off any potential with a certain person of the male gender. It is complicated enough as it is, but this, I hope, will be my speech.

Although I am incredibly attracted to him, I know things will start and end with in a month or less, so there is no future. It would be futile to try to be something knowing that it will in fact end. I might care about him loads, but if he doesn't feel the same way, then what's the point of trying so hard to make something happen that won't. Maybe I do love him? (MAYBE, I said MAYBE, I swear) But what good does that do if the feelings are not reciprocated? And he's playing with me. Well, I actually don't know about that part, but apparently everyone can see it but me. And apparently I'm a blinded fool, so it must be true.

 

So anyway, girls are right. Guys are jerks, but girls are pretty dumb anyway for falling for the wrong guys.

190 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 257

Hello world, I'm officially 17.

It was a great birthday, I promise. :) I felt people cared about me more than I had expected. Especially a new friend of mine that I've spoken to for just three weeks. He was sweet and was genuinely as excited as I was. He also questioned me about how I acted towards my ex boyfriend. Why I let him treat me so badly, and then I went around acting as if it didn't matter. It was... unexpected, but nice.  Cause it showed that he'd actually been observing what I was doing to myself and he decided to put a stop to it. Which was, indeed, very cool.

 

Anyway, people sang to me yesterday and Mark brought me a cake. Which was GREAT. And then I went home and I celebrated with my mom and grandpa. :)

 

So overall, my 17th birthday was amazing.

184 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 256

Isn't it lovely how you get your life together and then you decide you do want a relationship, that every possible candidate you were thinking about sudddenly adores you and everything?

Isn't it lovely when your brother destroys your family time and time again and then comes back, still expecting everyone to forgive him even though he still thinks everyone is wrong?

Isn't it lovely that when you take time for yourself, it turns out to be time for everyone else?

 

My life is hectic, but what else is new?

182 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 255

I make no sense.

I say I want something, and that I'll do something, but I haven't.

 

182 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 254

I'm coming up only to hold you under I'm coming up only to show you wrong And to know you is hard; we wonder To know you all wrong; we warn. Really too late to call, So we wait for morning to wake you That's all we got And to know me as hardly golden Is to know me all wrong, they warn.

 

I just want to know someone actually cares for me. No bull shit like 'I just want your bod'. Show me you care, please. I'm lonely and I need someone. Things have gotten so out of control. My grades are dropping, my hopes are diminishing, I'm just..... not even here anymore. I need help. I need to know everything will be okay. Eventually.

265 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 253

I've been wondering lately whether I'm in the right to deserve a someone who doesn't just want to get in my pants and who wants to have a sensible conversation with me?

 

Seriously, I've gone from two extremes. Someone who all they want is a piece of ass, and apparently I'm supposed to be there to please them.

And someone I can have an amazing conversation with, but they won't make the damn moves to tell me that I'm wanted as well.

 

Damn them. I should just quit for a while... just maybe.

171 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 252

When I try to make indepentify (probably not a word, sorry) myself, no one lets me. Thanks. I tell you one thing and I'm certain of it, but no, you turn a blind eye. Then you tell me I don't make decisions for myself. Stupid? Yes, very. Leave me alone, really. And damn it, don't judge me. Especially if you don't know me. I'm not lower than you. I'm not under you. So fuck off. Really, just back the hell up. If you haven't noticed I'm not trying to please you, you're not the one I'm trying to make happy. So don't tell me what to do. Don't make is seem like I'm a worthless piece of shit. So fuck off. Please. You're annoying the shit out of me.

184 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 251

I agree, I'm not one of the most stable people that you'll ever meet. Honestly, I'm not stable through out most of the day. I may have problems but I refuse to face them. I don't know how to fix things so I tend to fuck them up even more or just ignore them until they fix themselves. Pathetic? Maybe, actually... nah... It's very pathetic. But what ever. I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm so ready to get done with this chapter of my life called highschool, and that's what I'm doing. I'm graduating as soon as possible. Yay. Ugh, I feel horrid. I dunno how to even describe it. But whatever. I don't give a fuck anymore.

241 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 250

It's the beginning of 2010. Yay!

 

Too bad I feel crummy, but I've figure out what I want to do with this year of my life. I want to figure myself out, learn to love myself. People say they admire me, and I don't see it. I just don't. Meck, what ever.

He broke up with me. And I feel... horrible. Like I'm going to throw up. I have, and I did. This feeling is horrible. But I'd rather have it, than know that everything that happened meant nothing. So i guess I'm glad. But I know we can't be friends. If it meant something, then friendship isn't an option... Well, not now. Meck... I dunno. I make no sense.

200 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 249

You don't deserve our grandfather's tears.

You don't deserve our pity.

You don't deserve anything we've given you.

You never earned shit.

You took and took, never gave anything back. You lied and lied. And you manipulated the shit out of us. People who cared about you, people who would blindly fight a battle with you. Not anymore. You've lost the most precious thing, dear brother. You've lost your family. No, you didn't lose us. You didn't want us. You've made us feel guilty for the shit you've done. You've made us put the fault in ourselves for your wrong doing. You've made us look like idiots. You've lost... everything. My trust, my respect. I can't even look at you. Not after what I've seen today. You broke me. And I promised myself I wouldn't let you. I'm broken. Happy? And I still need to pick up your load. I've got my own, but I still need to pick up yours. Wanna know what mother asked me today? She asked me as a favour, she pleaded... that I wouldn't mess up. Now I have to watch my every step, my every thought. I'm not capable of this. But I can't tell her no. So I'll fall and you'll stand over me. Smirking. Not caring. You'll see me wither away. Die a little inside. And you won't do anything. Do I matter? Of course not. And people ask me why I don't care about myself. Because my own brother doesn't give a shit. My own flesh and blood doesn't care the hell he's put his family through. Not even his sister. The one person that was always at your feet. Admiring, and hoping that maybe one day she'd be only a fraction like you. Not anymore, brother. You've lost everything ounce of respect on my part. I hope you're happy.

Mom's asked me to forgive her. On your part. Oh how low you've made them go. Are you happy now? Tell me, are you happy you've hurt them so badly that now everyone is counting on me? Me.. the second choice. Never was I the first, or the favourite. You were. Now I'm the back up. The brittle back up. Damnit, I hope you can't sleep at night knowing what you've done to them. I don't give two shits about me. But them? Let their faces haunt you. Let them.

232 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 248

I began reading the sequel to Star Girl a couple of days ago, and I've began to think of it a lot. Relating it to my every day.

I begin by redefining myself. Although, I have no idea where to begin. I've never fully defined myself entirely. I don't think anyone else has either. I continuously change. My attitude, my speech, the way I walk, the way I think. How can I define the undefinable? Is that my definition? Am I really the girl that can't seem to let others or herself define her/herself? Hmm, well it's an odd question indeed. I know I change constantly, and I like it. I've said to myself that I like change and I've convinced myself of it. But is that really true? Or am I just so used to the change that I've become habituated to it? And with that notion in my head... do I ever truly lose myself? Hah. Probably I think. Like right now. I'm no where near to what I want to be or who I was. I've lost what ever path I was on and I've started a new one. Although I'm really not fond of it. Everything just seems so much harder and so langweilig (boring). In any case. I can't give up. Not entirely for me, but for my parents, my boyfriend, or my friends (or maybe lack of friends?). Hmm. It seems and feels like I've never really lived my life for me. But for others. But wait! Maybe that is my definition! I'm me, but not really me... I'm me for others. That probably makes no sense. But then again. I never do.

 

Anyways, as an actual update. I've been dating Kevin for a month and some change of days. We're extremely happy with each other and I've really opened up to him. A completely foreign idea for me. But it's good. And Maleeha and I just keep getting closer. It's pretty insane once you think about it. But I honestly do not mind. We've taken a lot of pictures and she and I just laugh when ever we're together. Farrell and I began talking as well. I don't think we'll ever be as close of a friends, but hey.. things might change... or they might not. Oh well... Life goes on.

207 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 247

Everything is looking up. I miss my Gary a lot though. But he's with my grammy, so it's alright... in a way. Everything with Adam and Farrell settled down. I don't talk to Farrell, and we're not friends, but it's better that way. She wasn't a real good friend. And well Adam, he's there. He's a temptation though, but I think I can handle it. Now onto something else. Kevin. He's my boyfriend and he's the sweetest and most amazing boyfriend I've had. I've known him for five years and we just got together. 11 days ago (he told me that this morning. lol). Anyways, he's so sweet and man, you have no idea how great he is. He says the cutest things, but he still has 'I'm dominant' aura around him.. so that's a turn on. lol. I haven't found anything that I don't like about him. Other than his ex-girlfriend. That bitch is crazy. But anyway, that's my update for now.

217 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Gary Fan 246

Gary,

Hi. You're gone, we all know that now. It's upsetting because you were just such a great person. Every time I think about what happened and all the opportunities that I could have hung out with you and I didn't. It just upsets me. I wish I could have known you better. I wish you were still here. I miss you and I love you. Be my guiding star, please? I need you. Even if you're here or not, I still do need you.

240 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 245

I hope to God you'll be okay. I really do hope so, sweetie.

195 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 244

So she says that I can have my stuff back the moment I decide I want it back. I'm not sure I want to stop this yet. I'll give it this weekend and next week it'll be over. To an extent. We'll talk, but we won't be as close as we used to be. And I don't think she realized this wasn't over him. It was over her doing that with HIM and knowing how I'd react.

182 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 243

Everything is different.

Sex changes everything.

I'm not friends with her anymore. And I'm still hung up on him. I know I shouldn't be. Everyone is mad at me because I am. But what can I do? Seriously. I'm sick of feeling so lonely and worthless though. I'm just tired of trailing around waiting to see what happens. If he asks me out again, I'm tempted to just deny it. Why do I have to wait until HE makes up his mind? I'm not the one who fucked his bestfriend. Seriously. It's his fault I lost her friendship. Actually, it isn't. But he's the cause of it.

So I say, fuck him.

And fuck her.

I can do better. I deserve better.

Right?

I guess not.

178 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 242

She slept with him last night.

197 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 241

You tell me you regret your decision to break up with me, but what am I supposed to do with that information. If you think you needed to say that because I told you that I still have problems processing that we've broken up, then you shouldn't. You gave me hope for us. Something I never asked for. Then when I ask you when we need to talk, you tell me what we don't. What is that about? You're the one that suggested the talk. You really did, you iniciated all this. Now you've got me desperate. I seriously ran all over the school in an act of desperation to find you. I want to fight for us. You're the best thing that has come my way, and if there's a chance... I want to fight for it. Man, I don't even think you know how crazy you've made me. I'm putting so much on the line for us.. but I hope these actions aren't in vain. I hope I'm not being that naive creature from my early days. I really hope I'm not. Please just don't prove me wrong.

222 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 240

I'm going insane. It's crazy. I really like him. Even if he broke up with me... he's still got a hold on me. It's insane.

190 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 239

So basically he broke up with me. Dunno how I feel about it.... so I'm just gonna ignore it for a while.

178 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 238

This week has got me up and down. I'm scared Adam's going to break up with me because his friends and what he does for fun doesn't fit in my lifestyle. Or vise versa. I guess it's hard, but us alone... man we're so great. Just with people, it's different... well, to a point. What ever. After school I told my dad I was going to study some physics and some math. Basically, I had to be home by five:thirty-ish or six. So until five:twenty I had to wait around while people smoked a two blunts. Then I finally saw Adam. And something's up. I swear I'm not going crazy. I swear. I think one of my friends and him are hitting it off. Maybe that's true.. you know what? I don't care. Actually, I do. A lot. But what ever. Fuck it. Meck... but yeah. I accidentally ruined the party cause my brother's phone died and well.. there was no way of contacting him to pick me up. I thought I was going to get caught by my father. I didn't... but now I feel like shit. Gr. Everyone was smoking dope around me and I didn't even hit it... but I still got sorta messed up. Not all chill or anything. Just the dry mouth and then just... feeling like shit for a while. Ugh, what ever. Maybe Adam and I can hang out this weekend. I hope so.

230 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 237

So, I'm dying the bottom half of my hair red before my grandma passes away and last night I spent just hours dying it and being sneaky so my dad wouldn't figure it out. And it worked, everything was fine and it looked as if it was going to happen. I take a shower this morning, and the colour is no where to be seen. I mean, seriously? What the fuck? I wasted my time and I don't like to waste time, [email protected]#$%^&*(). What ever.

228 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 236

Before I forget. Hehehe.

I was supposed to go to a football game with my brother. Heh. But then we skipped out on in and went to a party. First we got lost and my brother was mad, but then people on the other line made it a game to actually get to the party. Farrell won. I didn't drink much at first, but I was getting tipsy. Farrell left, which was sad because I was hoping me and her could sing and dance together. But no worries, I kept drinking and when Adam left Zach made me drink some more. Brittney said she loved me and I love her back. I was so gone and we were singing and shit. I was amazing. Adam and I kept cuddling and just kissing. I watched the stars with him. I just feel like I'm falling for him deeper and deeper. It's insane because at the start of the relationship I didn't feel anything. Now I feel that burning passion just wanting to give him everything. But he won't let me and I loveee him for that. It's amazing. Man, my boyfriend is amazing.

211 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 235

Oh my, I just found out my boyfriend is two years younger. It doesn't seem like such a difference but he's fourteen and I'm sixteen. I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. I know that around that time all I thought about was just having fun, I actually want something serious soon. I don't know if it'll be with him or it won't, but I want the chance to have something serious. My gosh, it bugs me though. Two whole years? Actually, nah, not two whole years; but pretty damn close. I like him though. A lot, so I'm DEFINITELY not breaking up with him because of his age. That's something he has no choice over and well, I can just get over it. But right now, it's bugging me. Meck. Hfdajhfshfjha. I wish I had known it sooner.

198 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 234

Basically yesterday went as follows:

I was late-ish to school drinking a SoBe. I was hyper and jittery. My boyfriend kissed me with out me expecting it. :) Then Maleeha (MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD WHOM I LOOK UP TO AND ALWAYS TRY TO PROTECT. :]) told me about the boy she's been talking to. Then School and then Adam kissed me before 3rd and these random feelings came to me, so after 3rd... I basically ran away. Then at lunch some TALL ASS guy basically ran over me. Then I hung out with my boy after lunch and said 'PUMPKIN' to Maleeha. lol. Then the day went on, I was lost in Physics class, but after school I saw Dillon and Adam kissed me goodbyee. :) Then after that my brother took me home and we went to Atlanta to pick up my mommy. :) The end.

So I gots my jingle bell back and I can jingle through the halls of Southside again. :D Excitinggg. :D

231 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 233

Everything is looking good. Grandma said 'Hello' to be a few days ago. :)

And there's a boy. He's my boyfrannnnd. lol. His name is Adam and he's really cute. Honestly, he is. I'm not the only one that thinks so. :D

But I feel weird. Like I'm not used to the heart-racing thing. And the heavy chest. And the not concentrating or being in control of my emotions or thoughts. It just seems all new to me.

202 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 232

Grandma is getting better and coming to live with us as soon as she's fully recoperated. :)

My mom's coming home this week end, which is exciting cause I miss her.

There's a new boy though. Which I find very exciting because it's like a new thrill. Someone with endless potential. :) Every time he walks by I try to be 'cool', most of the time it works, but sometimes it fails miserablyyy. lol. But yeah, that's a quick update as of now.

205 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 231

The one grandparent I've actually connected with is sick. Sick and not seeming to get better. My mom's a wreck, I'm trying not to cry, but fuck. This isn't fair. Out of both sets of grandparents, my mom's parents have been the only ones that have actually cared enough to get to know me. Everyone loves my brother cause he's the oldest of the grandchildren, but damn... my grandma cared. I talked to her every time she came here. She asked me to go back with her, but I didn't. I wish I did. I can't even see her. :( I'm so scared now.

230 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 230

Sweetie, you're like no other. You mean a lot to me right now, but I don't understand you sometimes. I know you have your ups and downs, but recently all you've been is down. I don't know how to get you back up unless I see you, but damn, you live too far away. I feel absolutely helpless listening to you complain about how life is so hard and I feel so bad because I can't help. I want to help, I want to tell you that everything is going to be alright. But it can't be if you don't let it. If you keep dwelling on all the failures you're not going to be able to see the successes. Man, I wish you could understand that.

230 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 229

Mother, I don't understand you. You tell me that you don't want to treat me like your parents treated you, and you do the same thing. I don't get it. You treat me like absolute shit. And then you want me to pretend like nothing is wrong. I do not get it! And frankly my dear, I'm fucking sick of it.

Oh and dear boy, I don't understand you either. You tell me you love me, you tell me that I make you happy, and you tell me that you want to marry me. And you don't speak to me for hours, you seem more distant as each day, and you tell me that you hate life. You can't stand it, but what you don't realize is that I'M PART OF YOUR LIFE. I don't understand how you could think your life is so horrible when I'M IN IT! You don't make sense.

210 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 228

Follow me on twitter.

mariaxmargarita

230 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 227

Old habits die hard.

I'm fucking sick of everyone taking advantage. Fuck it, my 'friends' do, my family does it. My fucking god, I have yet to meet someone who hasn't. I'm sick of it. I want it to all to stop. fuck that, I remember last year this shit wouldn't happen. I wouldn't be so fucking nice. I was some what in control of who could hurt me and who couldn't. It's like what the fuck? Fuck it though. I miss my old self. I'm going back.

191 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 226

How could you do this to me? How? What did I do to you? I don't understand. I gave you my heart, I said I loved you. And you decieved me. Why? I do not understand.

216 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 225

And I've been played again. :/

What ever, I give up. At least for now. I should just focus on school and people that really care about me.

250 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 224

Florida was amazing.

Bekka & Mickey- They are still the same. Bekka was rather annoying, I don't understand how we were ever 'best-friends'. She's just not someone I'd consider for that now. It's weird. But gah, I got shoved in my face all the shit I did when I was there. Like making out with a boy 6 years older than me, and dating Bekka for a day. Gah, it was retarded. Apparently I'm 'jail-bait'. What ever.

Jakey Wakey- Fuck, he's changedddd. He's really nice and I just wish I had more time with him. I really missed that boy.

Tato- He was the strangest one of all. I don't know if half the shit he said he meant or if he just said it to get somewhere. But it seemed all sincere. And the kisses, holy shit I could feel all the tenderness all the emotions. It's like he was just screaming at me how much he missed me, like he couldn't fucking believe it. He didn't leave my side for the whole night. I felt really special, like someone cared. Just the way he found a way to hold me, gah. It was amazing. Of course I don't like him though. Well I do, but just not love him. See how much of a bitch I am? It's retarded. Oh well. He lives in a different country, so it's all good. Nothing more is happening. And no more feelings are getting stirred up. But he did the cutest thing! When I was leaving he gave me a hug, then I turned to leave and he grabbed my hand and asked me not to go. Then I kissed him goodbye and I turned to leave again and I walked, but he caught my hand and said 'Please, don't.' then he gave me the necklace that was on his neck and kissed me one more time. And the emotions, I was just stunned. I never knew a kiss could tell you so fucking much. Oh well.. that's over.

I'm back to reality. I'm back to being in love with a person I might or might not be with. It was fun living a bit of a fantasy though. A fantasy where someone actually cared about me.

Can anyone say 'Fuck'?

217 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 223

I'm a train wreck.

Everything went down hill at two in the morning.

-My mother began to yell.

-My father was being yelled at.

-My brother got upset and left.

-I cried, and cried, and cried, an cried.

I can't cry anymore, I'm out of tears and my eyes are swollen. But I still don't know what to do.

302 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 222

Talking to you is the most amazing thing. I can tell you anything and you'll listen. You'll actually listen. I love how we can agree on things and disagree on things. I love how we can bounce ideas off of each other. I love how we can say what the other has been meaning to say. I just love you. That's all I can say right now. What happens next is up to life. Whether you and I find ourselves together, I'll be happy. And I hope you will be too.

216 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 221

I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible. I am horrible.

That's all that is running through my head.

259 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 220

This might sound completely insane, but gosh. I need a friend. Someone I can talk to about anything. Someone that won't judge me. Every time I find a friend, I realize that they have something for me. Grrrrr. It's annoying and frustrating.

223 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 219

I want to make you happy. Give you anything you want. It's funny because you really don't get that. I don't think you really get how much I care about you. It's funny because so much crap has happened and I'm still here. Loving you beyond reason. I can't do anything about it either. I just have to sit here, and wait. I have to wait to see how things play out. I have to wait to show you how much I care. I hope I'll have my chance to show you soon. I really really really really hope I'll be able to show you how much I care.

I love you.

And I mean every word of it.

239 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 218

Funny how two nights ago I heard you sleep through the phone and then last night I cried myself to sleep because I thought I was a burden for you. We didn't speak. And it didn't help. I can not believe how jealous I was when I heard you were with her all day. Then, I just sort of made up my mind to let you go because I was a burden. A burden you should not have to deal with. But to tell you the truth, I am quite pathetic. Just waiting to see if you respond to any communication I send you, I do not know if you will. I do not know if you have dropped me. I do not even know what is going on anymore, but all I can do is just sit here and endure it all. This is what I get for giving my everything. Just please do not make me regret it, please?

265 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 217

Things are starting to seem brighter. After two days of thinking that I was a worthless fool, your words soothe me and make me think that I might be worth something. If not to me, maybe to you. Baby, I want this really badly. And fuck it, I'm not holding back anymore. If this doesn't work, then it's not suppose to. Let's see how it goes.

229 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 216

Baby, sweetie, hunny, are you just using me? Do you just want to be with me once and then leave? Do you care about me at all? Do you want anything else from me? Do you want to be with me, even if I don't give myself to you? Are you just going to use me? That's the biggest question of mine. I don't know whether you truly want to be with me or you just want to use me and get done with me. I don't know. Gah, I wish I could just ask you; but if I do, I know you're going to lie to me. Babe, I don't want to be hurt this time. I'm just so confused. Please just don't use me. Please.

211 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 215

Dear, you're the last person I talk to at night and the first person I speak to in the morning.

That is officially the best way to start my day.

I love you.

213 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 214

I love you.

You don't mean that.

You don't know that.

That's true, but I don't want you to say it to me. Unless you mean it, and you're certain of it. Cause those three words can either make me the happiest girl ever, or they can break me to pieces.

I can't fall for this again . You broke me so many times, so many times . You've broken me completely . Babe , I can't do this . I can't get hurt and then stand back up as if nothing happened , and then do it all again. Baby , you mean the world to me . I do love you , but I'm battered , bruised , and broken . I need time and some change . Babe , promise you won't strive to hurt me . Promise you won't leave me like you've done in the past . Babe , promise me you mean it .

216 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 213

I miss him .

it's funny to think that i would go back to school just to see him , but some times i think that wouldn't be enough . i miss talking to him . that's the only downside of summer , but i'll think of something. and i hope it's soon. : / my heart aches because of him . damn , i feel like a fool just thinking about it .

234 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 212

every hope up, every let down .

sad , eh . i knew that something was going to end up ruining the fact that i was going the party , i mean i just knew it . rather retarded , really . i knew it was going to happen , but i still got my hopes up . oh well, it's what ever .

211 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 211

i have to convince my parents about not letting me go to southside . i think they'll agree and not make me go . last day of school , and i never said bye . wow .

218 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 210

Fuck me, fuck you.

You screwed me over. I should be pissed as hell, but I'm not. It's not worth it, hun. I tried, I failed, I wasn't enough.

223 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 209

Things must be different...

For this too work , he wants it to be different . And it is , but it's too different . I'm not even sure it will work .

242 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 208

Reignited flame is burning up a brittle friendship

Two choices :

Her - She's the one that chose him before me . Hid it from me . She's the one that always says she'll be there , but never is . The one I always try to comfort , but it's never enough . She's also my bestfriend . We've gone through everything together . She's strayed off , but now says she's back . But I'm the reason she's upset . He doesn't like her because he likes me , but he was my first love . My first real relationship years ago . She knew that and ignored it .

Him - He's the boy of my dreams . He's the boy I wanted to give the world to . He's been in my life for years , I loved him . But I didn't think he loved me back . Now we're here . Everything is different , as if we were two strangers falling for each other again . He's caring and says he wants everything to be different . It's already different .

I don't think I should choose , but it seems like its what it is boiling down to . I haven't thought of who , or even if I'm willing to choose . I don't want to and I hope that I won't have to .

245 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 207

The world shook...

Or maybe it was me? Thursday, I was a wreck. All I wanted to do was just hurt myself. Everything shook, I couldn't handle it. I didn't cry, but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't talk because I didn't know the problem. I felt alone, depressed. It was horrible. I was so out. Then he made it somewhat better. We spent all night talking, until two. But yesterday, I messed it all up. I told him what I did, I made things awkward. And I don't know why. I want to be with him, but I'm scared of him hurting me. Last time it was a disaster, but I'm determined to forget it all. It doesn't matter. It's made me who I am at this moment. And what ever happens will make me who I am going to be. Why not embrace it? I don't want to hold back anymore. If I like him, why not fight for him?

241 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 206

Roller Coaster.

That's how everything is. Everything has a climax and then it drops to the floor to give you the scare of your life, until the next drop. It's sorta how I am with boys, we have a climax of talking and feelings, but then I turn away and it's over. Yesterday I saw an ex-boy and I was nervous. Shaky. Forgetting to think. Forgetting to say anything and I didn't understand. We hadn't dated that long. But we just broke up because we were unable to see each other. I didn't try hard enough. I don't know if I want a chance, I don't know if there will be one if I want one. I'm just waiting for the roller coaster to star again because I don't know what's coming.

225 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 205

Everything's different. All I wanted has been in front of me, but I continue to turn away. I want a relationship with a boy that will love me from my happy days, to my sad days, to my angry days. I want a boy that my parents will be proud me for. But sometimes I think that I'll never find him. I have chances to find him, but something always makes me hesitate. Hesitation makes me re-think the situation and turn away. I know it's not good that I'm not taking risks, but.. I've been hurt far too much.

Things are also frustrating. I worry my ass about you, and you talk to every one else but me. Everything comes before me. I'm the one asking everyone where you are, but you don't care. Why should I? Every one goes through what your going through, every one gets up. You're just wallowing and I'm quite sick of it. I'm quite sick of caring so much. I'm just sick of all of this.

227 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 204

Sitting at the table with the family,

I love this type of 'hanging' out. We just talk, talk about anything. Anything and everything. Or we just sit doing different things, but we're still together. I'm so thankful I have them, I don't think they will ever know. :]

256 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 203

Day of My birthday.

It wasn't today, it was the 14th. It was amazingggg. :D For the past two days, I haven't been upset. I'm just.. happy to be here. :D

198 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 202

Last day of being 15

How does it feel? Fucking horrible. Everyone's been pissy at me lately. Every fucking thing I do is wrong. Every thought, action, feeling, etc... wrong. You know what I wish sometimes? That I could just do what I want and not care about what others have to say or think. I want to be a bitch and be proud of it. I want to be selfish and gain something. Always seems like I'm in the negatives when it comes to scores. Two days before my birthday.. My mother tells me I'm a fucked up child. A day before my birthday.. My best friend gets pissy about me acting as if I was going to hit her (in a kidding sort of way), but moments before she made me slam my head into the floor. Oh man.. I can't wait what the fuck life has in store for me tomorrow.

205 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 201

When you find a boy and you like him you get giggly, but he's just a crush. Nothing too serious at all. That's what's going on with me. I like him, but I doubt I'll date him because I want something serious. But maybe I'm just too young for that. I need to have some fun. I'll see how it goes. :]

210 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 200

Reconciliation

I saved my 200th entry for something special, and big. I've been wanting to write one from the moment I finished entry 199, but it had to be special. And today is. Tonight God has opened my eyes. He's made me feel alive, and like a new person. I just want to dance and sing, and just be happy. Today's reading was the one about the Parable of the Father and the Two Sons. The Priest explained is as a picture. A picture of two sons away from home and a father sitting in the living room. Waiting for their return. He talked that what a father has to do is grieve, forgive, and be generous. And that applies to me. I need to grieve about things I have done, then forgive myself and others, and then be generous with what I have. :] I feel like I can actually see the world around me, I'm not in a misty meadow. I feel as if I'm in a sunny field soaking up the light and the smell of the flowers. Feeling everything with such intensity.

A man had two sons, and the younger son said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of your estate that should come to me.' So the father divided the property between them. After a few days, the younger son collected all his belongings and set off to a distant country where he squandered his inheritance on a life of dissipation. When he had freely spent everything, a severe famine struck that country, and he found himself in dire need. So he hired himself out to one of the local citizens who sent him to his farm to tend the swine. And he longed to eat his fill of the pods on which the swine fed, but nobody gave him any. Coming to his senses he thought, 'How many of my father's hired workers have more than enough food to eat, but here am I, dying from hunger. I shall get up and go to my father and I shall say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I no longer deserve to be called your son; treat me as you would treat one of your hired workers.ā€¯ So he got up and went back to his father. While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him. His son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you; I no longer deserve to be called your son.' But his father ordered his servants, 'Quickly, bring the finest robe and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Take the fattened calf and slaughter it. Then let us celebrate with a feast, because this son of mine was dead, and has come to life again; he was lost, and has been found.' Then the celebration began. Now the older son had been out in the field and, on his way back, as he neared the house, he heard the sound of music and dancing. He called one of the servants and asked what this might mean. The servant said to him, 'Your brother has returned and your father has slaughtered the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.' He became angry, and when he refused to enter the house, his father came out and pleaded with him. He said to his father in reply, 'Look, all these years I served you and not once did I disobey your orders; yet you never gave me even a young goat to feast on with my friends. But when your son returns who swallowed up your property with prostitutes, for him you slaughter the fattened calf.' He said to him, 'My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours. But now we must celebrate and rejoice, because your brother was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.'"

Lk 15:1-3, 11-32

233 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 199

Funeral for a Friend

I'm scared to go. I didn't know her as well as my brother, but going to her funeral puts a knot in my stomach. I'm hoping time will stop so I won't go, but then I realize that time did stop. For her.. that night. It's crazy to think about how young she was. If I measure how long I'll live with how long she lived, I only have 4 more years. She'll never get married, fall in love, go to a high school reunion. :/

265 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 198

Talking to a boy.

Maybe something happens.

Probably not.

232 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 197

I read Impulse.

The description was vivid. In the back of my mind I yearned for the cold steel. I won't do it, but I know that I still have that temptation. But enough of that. I realized that have a slight problem at the moment. I cannot hide my feelings. I seriously wear my heart on my sleeve. When I want to curl up and sit in a corner, you know it. Now, it does not have to be a problem, but when you're trying not to think about what is bothering you and everyone around notices something is wrong, it tends to cause problems. And not only that, I put others before me, no matter what. If it killed me to do something, or to give up something for someone... I would still do it. Ah, I'm going to get in so much trouble, not with others, but with myself. And another thing that might be bothering me, I've stopped eating. Not completely, but I'll eat once a day, and that's only because my parents insist. I'm not anorexic.... am I? I really hope not.

252 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 196

I want a boy. :/ A special boy, and I know who he is. :[

252 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 195

A song made me realize that I want to be me. As much as I've tried, I've never done it. I want to come out of my shell and show the world who I am. I'm so ready for this. Now one's expecting this. :]

231 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 194

New member of the family.

Someone new to take care of. It's a puppy. It's hard being strict with the pup. He's been scratching me like crazy. But he's just a pup. Look at me, I make excuses. But I know he doesn't mean it; but do other people mean to hurt me? That's all that's on my mind right now. Do people do it on purpose? Probably not because they think I won't figure it out. But I always make excuses for them, don't I? I always twist it and make it my fault. But oh well. This pup, is amazing. His name is Eclipse. I have a feeling that I'm going to be his mommy. He'll probably find a way to crawl into my bed when he's older. I can take care of the pup. He makes me feel important. I really love him. :] Even if he has long nails and tries biting my face off. lol. :D

225 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 193

Every time I think about it. I'm completely, inevitably, and absolutely infatuated with you. There's no way to escape the feeling, as much as I try to suppress it, the more it comes out when I don't want it too. I find myself thinking about you, looking at your pictures adoringly. I miss you, oh so much. Being with you was the highlight of my year, of the past two or three years. Sometimes I think I love you, but I know it cannot be true. I have not felt love, so how would I be able to label it now? But it's true, this is a large and incredible feeling I have for you, but it's all going to waste. Because you neither care nor know about it. Damn this infatuation, damn it.

259 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 192

At the Ball, I felt... well... disappointed. I was looking forward to talking to him, making something up. And I thought I had a chance, hah. Never mind to that thought. He was kissing another girl. At first I was upset. I got teary eyed and I just wanted to cry. I didn't though. Then I wanted to make him jealous. I didn't though. And then I realized.. fuck that. He doesn't want me, it's fine. I still like him, but I there's nothing I could do or was willing to do to get him to look at me. I wasn't stooping that low. So here's where I am. I'm happily independent. I think.

230 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 191

I'm the only logical being in the being in this household. How annoying. I need some emotion to survive in this world, but apparentlyy... I don't. Well, I do, but I take those feelings out of any decision making process. Damn me.

228 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 190

The one person that I thought would never leave me just did.

203 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 189

Making conversations

I keep thinking of conversations I can have with you. Most of them saying how I feel about you. And how I would love it if we got back together. But honestly, I miss you beyond belief. It's all I've been thinking about since we broke up. We stopped dating in November. It's been 3 months and you're still in my head. I want to kiss you again, I want to hug you again, I want to be with you again. I regret not hearing your explanation. I regret not kissing you enough. I regret being jealous. I regret being scared of losing you. I regret all the drama. I miss you so much. It's impossible to look at you with out thinking about everything. And everything hits me like a ton of bricks. I really hope that the dance changes at least something. I really hope that I get the courage to tell you what I think in person. Jack, I miss you so much. So so so much. I don't want to date, because once you say you're dating someone something changes. The thrill of the chase gets killed. You begin to conform to each others life, I mean that's find, but the flirting. It keeps everything alive. But, man, I miss you so much. And it's what keeping me up.

231 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 188

I need to be independent and finally stand up. I've fallen down and I'm the middle of standing up and just staying down. I need to stand up. I know I can do it, I have the strength to do it. But everything tell me to be scared. Maybe it's just my mind telling me that I've already been hurt. But I don't care, I want to live again. I don't want to be in this limbo. I don't want to think that everyone would forget me if I just left. Those aren't pretty thoughts. I want to be spontaneous, random, happy, and loved. I fuck wantinggg. I'm doing it. :]

248 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 187

Each thought makes sense by it's self. Each entry sounds like an older person has thought it up. A matured being, but lumped together you see the childish features. The undecisiveness of the writer. The confusion. The immensity of all the confusion, and the hysteria. The chaos in the mind. The wanting of being settled.

225 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 186

I'll sit in a room filled with people. Surrounded by noise. Engulfed by so many conversations, and I realize... I'm so alone.

251 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 185

I'm suffocating in a box.

I'm drowning in the sea.

I'm falling off a cliff.

I'm buried alive.

I can't get out.

I keep going further, and further down.

I want to see the light, but the darkness in engulfing me. God, god, god, please help me.

238 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 184

In life and death, you've always stolen my heart.

Thoughts surrounding decisions. Whether I regret them or not. To me, right now. I just want to be happy. I think about all of that I've done, and nothing has made me happy. Not truly happy. Only a handful of people made me feel genuinely happy. I miss it. And now I look back and think, did I deserve it? Did I deserve for it to end so abruptly? To be left with all the memories and nothing else? Then I look at all my reason for pushing everyone away. Is it my fault? It always seems like it. What if I'm not meant to be in a relationship? What if the act of being a girlfriend isn't in me? You know what I want? I want to be happy. And not have to say I'm his girlfriend or her girlfriend. I don't want to be their object they can throw away at their liking. I want it to be two people have fun. Two people that know they like each other, but they don't have to prove it to the world. Man, if only.

240 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 183

Take this breath for me because I cannot bear to do it alone.

We're dancing. Just dancing. In a circle. One step forward and three steps back. Getting no where with our desires. Changing nothing. Going back where we started. We'll never be as close as we once were. I'm sorry. I would be willing to try, but it's useless. I'm sorry, I give up. Completely. I'm not meant to have close friends.

228 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 182

Nothing will ever be the same.

Truly.. as much as I try.. it won't.

225 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 181

Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs/Well what's wrong with that?

Over analyzing things, one of my flaws.

234 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 180

Idealistic Romantic

I've always wanted love. Never had in in my grasp. Or I did once, but it slipped. I've thought about it for so long. But it's such a vain thought. Love, I always thought would last forever. I don't think that now. And marriage, about it being about love. Everything in this society has proved it wrong. People marry because they love each other, but as soon and they begin to live with each other and procreate, they merely find out that they can't stand the sight or the scent of their 'significant' others. I do not wish to marry. I wish for children, but I don't want to raise the child with yelling around. Poor child, I would think. But you're probably thinking that I'm far too young to think of such a thing. But my thoughts on this is that I love someone... I don't need to make a commitment on paper. They will be my lovers. I'll love them with all my might, but I will not force them to stay with me for the remainder of their lifetimes. Marriage, to me in a contract between sexes. If I love whom ever I love, I will not force them to love me forever as well. If one day they wish to get up and leave, then they should do so with out looking back and re-thinking of their decisions because of the papers or how it's going to make me feel. For me, If I love someone.. I want them to be happy. No matter what cost to me. If they're happy alone, let them be. If they're happy with another, then let it be.

311 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 179

Mistakes, Mistakes.

Hah. You always know them after you commit them. But some of them you can't quite fix. Only days or weeks after. That's what I've gotten myself into. Messed up, I think. Oh well.

245 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 178

You are the earth beneath my feet, You are my gravity. Cause lately I've been tired and uninspired.

Every time I think of it. It makes me smile. All those times we've spoken. They've been so great. And that night, where we talked about god knows what. And you remember none of it? I was shy and kept my feelings to myself. Too scared to tell you how I felt and you ask me today if you had said anything unusual?!? You forgot the whole conversation. I'm like Superman and you, sir, are my kryptonite.

257 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 177

I don't belong anymore.

I look around my life. And everything shouts to me, You're not wanted or You just don't fit. I look at my friends and I can't talk to them, I would worry them too much. Things are so different now. I don't belong here anymore. In my family, I just shouldn't be there. They don't deserve me, they need better. School, Hah. Now that's a joke. I look back at my younger years and I think... Wow, How much has changed? Before I craved for attention. Now I avoid it at any cost. I'm still honest as fuck which gets me in many quarrels. But what really sucks is that when I look back. I look back at the life I had before anyone I knew hurt me. And everyone I know has hurt me one way or another. So a friend of mine once said to me, "How can I trust you if you've already hurt me?" And I think of it... and if that's really how life is.. How can I trust anyone if everyone has hurt me at least twice. So I keep to myself. My thoughts are kept inside, no way to get out. And now I'm ready to explode, but I can't talk to you or any one. You'll classify me as a weirdo or I'll disappoint someone and they'll worry. Why worry for something so insignificant though?

253 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 176

It's those pills that you don't need to take, medicating perfection, now that's a mistake. I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep.

Sometimes I think, would you care if I just left? Walked out on everything, like life? Hah, would I care?

272 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 175

Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.

Among all the guys I've fallen for, you always come back. You dated her, now you're going to hurt her. You're going to rip her apart. And you don't even care. I promise you I will never go back. I'll never go back to the days I cried until dawn because you had left me yet another time. Remember before you left, how I was so happy. I had finally thought that I had made you happy as well, but that was a lie. Wasn't it? You never told me a thing, even if I offered my help. Too bad though. I think we could've made it.

247 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 174

Christmas Eve Scare

Presents are opened. Dinner was served. My mom said, "There's three people in your heart and you're undecided. In the end you'll boil it down to two, but one of the ones you've chosen has the ability to hurt you deeply. Be careful, Maria." This has scared me. Three people, at first I couldn't place who the three people could be. Then I thought of four. Now I'm scared to think which of them is going to hurt me. I'm too scared of getting hurt. I'm way too vunerable for that. Last time I barely recovered. Am I strong enough for that? I think I'll wait and see how things play out. I really hope to God that the worst doesn't happen.

294 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 173

Low self-esteem

Ridiculous. Self-esteem. I don't have it. Not anymore. A waste of breath, that's what I am. Nothing more than that. And everything less.

275 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 172

Everyone likes her more than me.

It's true. She's perferred by all. It's true. I'd pick her over me. And she picks everyone else over me as well. Not like it matters.. I'm a shadow in the background. I remembered when I was scared of losing him to her, hah... I did. How ironic, but now it matters not. Everyone likes her better... so why am I here?

224 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 171

Reasons to your actions

You're actions are your own, I need no explanations. You've got your reasons. I trust you enough to respect them, whether they are foolish or not. They are your own and I respect them as much as I respect you. That's the reason why I never asked why I never asked you why exactly we broke up, might help me in the future, but why ask you for that if I know nothing I do can change your mind. What if it was a misunderstanding, what's done is done. There's no turning back on our actions. I'll just look forward to what ever may happen next. With any action I will take I will think of my reasons, so I never lead you and hurt you with false reasoning. Most of the time I won't explain myself, but I hope you won't mind that. The things that I feel and things that I think can't truly be explained.

263 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 170

And all I want for christmas is you.

I can't stop thinking about you. It's crazy how I won't sleep for 24 hours straight, but I still have the energy to conversate with you. I think it's amazing how we'll kid around about us getting married. You call me beautiful, and I lose my train of thought. Hah, my breath for that matter. Gah, this is far too amazing/

254 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 169

I don't want a complicated life, but everything seems like it's going to be that way whether i want it to be or not. I want it to be as simple as boy likes girl, girl likes boy, and boy and girl date. Grrr.. if only.

255 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 168

I want to see you, be with you, but no. Life's too fucked up to let me see you. I've talked to you for ages, I know you so well, and we get along amazingly. If we were together, I can't imagine how amazing we could be. Grr to life, eh.

267 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 167

Fuck me over.. Please.

Apparently that's what I asked for. Apparently I fought my ass off for nothing. God damn.

266 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 166

Everything went wrong.

Yesterday started differently. That should have been my first clue. Everything was upside down. The news of Brandon going straightedge messes everything up. I'm extremely happy for him, but that was the only reason why I wouldn't date him. Now he's the perfect Brandon I've always loved and what not. Anyways, that doesn't matter. I'm going to put that to the back of my mind. But Jack and I were supposed to go to a bonfire last night. My mom had spent her entire afternoon finding things out and what not. Then only 30 minutes before my dad was going to pick me up Jack suggests to forget about the whole thing. I told my mother and she was furious. Then every one got mad at me. And apparently I can't handle that kind of things that well. I was really upset because in attempt to make everything better I just made everything worse. So yeah... I really hated the feeling. And after last night everything seems so wrong now. Like there's something wrong right now but I can't seem to figure out what it is. I don't like the feeling at all. I want to find what ever went astray yesterday and fix it or just cut it out. I don't know. I hate the feeling of helplessness that I have at the moment. I have a heavy heart for no reason what so ever. It's driving me nuts because the more I attempt to figure out what's wrong the more it hurts. I guess because it seems as if I'm getting closer to the answer but the answer's going to hurt me more. Maybe it's supressed in my brain for that reason. I want to forget it but there's a nagging inside that tells me I can't. Maybe I'll ignore it for a while...

265 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 165

Nothing's going to change

Hah, that's right. Feelings I have for Brandon will always remain. He was my first love, the one I would've given everything to. But now there's a new chapter of my life and I have to move forward, not forget the past. Actually learn from it. Now I have a new boy that I'm absolutely nuts about, and well... he has my heart now. I trust that he won't break it. And you know what... I'm happy. I'm happy that I went through all of this to find Jack. Everything I've done from the time I met him led me to this, and everything that I do now will lead me to the next big thing. But I'm happy. I truly am. I really hope he is too. :]

271 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 164

Tired

I think I'm tired of having to think of what I'm going to do next. I'm tired of over thinking things and over complicating things. I think I'm just going to lay back and see how everything goes. I'm not going to put forth effort if I don't have to or if you aren't. Hah, I'm going with the flow for once in my life and I'm going to see where it takes me.

If I die before I wake, At least in heaven I can skate. cause right now on earth I can't do shit with out the man fucking with it.

282 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 163

According to plan

Things never go according to plan. What can go wrong, will. It's crazy. So many thoughts are going through my mind, millions of memories come rushing back. I honestly hate the fact that he can talk about everything and not show a sign of remorse or sadness. It upsets be greatly because it meant nothing to him. :/

Oh well, he should mean nothing to him. But I can't help but wonder, what went wrong?

254 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 162

Storms coming yer way

Rain, wind, lights, thunder.

Faster, beats, lights, fear, thunder.

Thoughts, feelings, movies, kisses, thunder.

Water, rain, thoughts, songs, words.

Wet, trees, animals, houses, roads, cars.

Skellington, Halloween, nightmare, love.

Doll, Sally, forgetting, Thinking.

Aimlessly, Ghosts, Zero, grass, life.

Eep, I don't know what this means.

278 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 161

1 month

And I'm the happiest I've ever been. I love it.

243 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 160

Life hands you surprises

I come to school and my ex is there?! What the hell? I was scared because I didn't want to face him. He's the one that didn't seem like me when we dated. I didn't date any one for 8 months, how crazy? But life gave me a great guy, oh Jack... he's amazing. I was scared for him... But gah, I don't want to think about the ex. There's nothing about it. My ex lost me, I didn't lose him. Anyways, I gained Jack. That's all I need. Tomorrow is going to be four weeks since we began dating. And I think he's amazing. This relationship seems more real than any other. It seems as if its going to have an impact in my life... And the relationship with my ex seems fake to me now. No feeling.. not like this. It has nothing against my relationship. The more I think about it, the more I'm glad. Gah, I can't believe it 4 weeks, almost a whole month?! I love it... I'm loving every minute of it and we both know it. You know how I feel. Sometimes I wonder how you really feel sometimes. But yes, nothing can ruin this. I won't let it... I've fought too hard to get where we are. :]

266 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 159

Too many thoughts

It's amazing how the most logical and astonishing thoughts come to me when I'm supposed to be sleeping. There's no way that theres any hope for sleep tonight.

Have you ever bothered to watch people? Sure, sometimes I don't like their company, but they are intricate beings. Some of the things others do just makes me laugh. For example, how people go back to each other although they know they are going to be broken apart for a reason or another, but they always end up some what together. Whether by friend ship or relationship, it matters not. Reminds me of the Government of Greece, gee wouldn't Paddenburg be glad I actually listened for once, they made the same mistake and they never corrected it. So what comes out of it? The fact that you both know that you both will always be there? What if one time it doesn't happen that way? Will you guys attempt to come back to the same place you've always been? more than likely yes... but will it work? I doubt it. Things always change, factors always cause problems. But do people change as well, some say they do.. some say they don't. But does it matter? If they do or don't then what does it matter? Will it change your mind? I doubt it. Hah, funny thing is... damn, I see it happening every where. And tell me about animal instincts, Geez, girls as much as guys suffer from this. All they want is pleasure. They seek excitement and they seek pleasure. Ack, maybe I'm just ranting because I've been thinking too much about people in general, but would you like to know what I want to do right now? I want to sit in a room full of people and just sit... and just watch. I don't want interaction though, gah what pain that would cause me. But there's plenty of things I can come up with. Gee, it seems as if I really don't like people... what would people say at school? They wouldn't believe me. Funny, funny, funny.

282 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 158

Looking through a mirror

The things I've said with out thinking. The feelings I've felt with out acknowledging them. It's crazy reading back into this diary and telling myself that all those entries were posted by me. I've always let my feelings get ahead of me, I've always tried to label everything. What if this time I really don't want to? What if this time I just want to see where it goes and be happy about whether or not it lasted? Anyways, I think it's just amazing to read all those entries and remember what I was thinking about and what I was feeling at that moment. I can almost see myself writing all those things, it's almost fascinating. Gah, :D

269 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 157

Senses quickly heightened

I'm amazed at how you can get wrapped in a moment of complete bliss and you forget what you are supposed to be doing, or even where your limits are. He did make me forget everything, my self control was diminished in a second. No second glance back at it either. It felt as if nothing else mattered. It was him and I and that's all I needed. My pulse quickened, my breathing got heavier, all thoughts left the premises of my head, and wow. Was it fun? And now that I think about it, it's starting all over again. He said that he was good at self control, hmm, we've proved that theory wrong tonight. :]

259 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 156

Drama, Jealousy

Damn, I hate those things. But I can't help the jealousy part. She's gorgeous, but I should know that would never happen. Today I began to think about why the crap I let myself get into relationships when I know someone is going to get hurt. More than likely me, but that ever. Still it's weird. I put myself into a situation where there are two outcomes, more than likely the bad one happens, but once in a while it doesn't. Oh well, Jack and I are okay. We're fantastic actually. He got really mad though, with the whole drama. But yes, its over now. I still care about him loads. :D

235 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 155

It's been 3 weeks

And I'm amazedddddd. :]

261 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 154

I'm loving every minute of this. Missing every minute I'm not near you. Loving every pulse your hearts beats. Gah, every dance we have together... is something I'll think of for days later. I'm going crazy for you, yearning for your company. I can't stand being a full day away from you. But that hasn't happened yet. I don't even know how I'm going to live a whole holiday away from you.

So last night I figured why I'm so infatuated with you, you are the perfect compliment to my silly self. You dance with me when there's no music, you tease me when it's always the perfect touch of playfulness, you hug me when I need a hug, you just know me so well. I love it. Everything about you, I love. It's not perfect and I find it fascinating. Everyday I feel as if I was falling deeper and deeper for you. :)

259 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 153

I'm falling for you, falling so fast.

You. That's all I think about these days. It takes me hours to fall asleep because you're on my mind. You're name comes up in a conversation and I have to stop to see if you're there. I'm beginning to fall... and fall... and fall for you deeper. It's crazy to think about it really. With a text or a message I smile beyond reason. With a thought, I get butterflies. With a touch or a kiss, I forget to breathe. Gah, but I love every moment of it.

259 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 152

Relationship Flaws

Perfection. Every relationship I'm in, I hold back.. everything. Too scared to show whom ever who I really am. I want to let go, but I need help. I want to be able to talk about anything and everything. Will that ever happen? I'm fighting for this relationship to stay alive. I'm fighting with everything I have. I'll be better if you want me too. I'll do anything, really, I will. I don't want to hide anything from you, but I don't want to be that girlfriend that is too attached to her boyfriend. I want to be open, I want you to know how I feel. I want you to know what I think, I want you to know who I am. Lets try this before everything goes to hell, lets be imperfect for once. Lets have problems, lets have doubts, lets be real. And if everything ends let it end on a good note. Knowing that this was something we really fought for. Knowing that this was real. And knowing that it was the a good thing that couldn't last forever. Knowing that we were happy it ever happened.

256 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 151

We can live like Jack and Sally, if you want, where you can always find me.

He really makes me happy, but a day before the week we've gone out he started his bull shit commitment issues. It really upset me because I thought I had done something terribly wrong, but alas, I hadn't. But her, we're good now. I truly care about him though. :] He's like my best friend and well, now my boyfriend. He just really makes me happy. I really hope we last a long time.

262 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 150

Vunerability.

This sucks. I know that I'm extremely vunerable because of him. So great. It really sucks. :/

265 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 149

I want you to know...

That I want to do anything in my power to make this work. I want you to know that I really want this to happen and take off. I want you to know that I don't want you to be afraid of opening up to me. I want you to know that I'll always be here. I want you to know that I'll always listen to everything you say. I want you to know that I'll always tell you the truth and give you advice from the heart. I want you to know that I will do what ever it takes to change your perception on the world. I want you to know that I really do care. :]

250 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 148

The tables have turned.

Everything seems so different from last year. I'm truly happy. My father calls me his favourite hero. And my boyfriend is amazing. I'm finally happy in a relationship even if nothing 'amazing' is going on. Just thinking about the boy makes my heart skip a beat. I've been this happy once before with Zach, but gah, not this happy. Okay, well yes. Jack is making my week.. :]

279 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 147

Over coming the obstacles.

It sounds easier than it really is. Have you tried such thing? Going against all odds, against all the people involved (which can sometimes be everyone in your life), against everything you ever did. Hm, change is that way. People don't change, but they might change what they were or how they act towards people, but they never really do entirely change. Why? because that doesn't make us who we are, although that does sound odd. I can sit here and I can tell you that I have changed, and essentially I have. I've changed my appearance, my way of thought, maybe even my friends, but I still see the little girl I was 4 years ago. Which actually does amaze me. Because 4 years ago I was a slught, and I dressed in all black. Now I can't get a decent boyfriend and my wardrobe is all funky colours, but I still see the girl that wants to please people in every which way.

293 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 146

Patience.

Realization hit me today and I've realized, I'm not patient. I play with people minds and manipulate their thoughts. You might think I like you, but I don't. The only time you can really know is if you ask me a yes or no question. I don't lie, I just simply twist the truth into my own way. With my body language, I tell you tell me more; but in my mind, I can't wait until you walk away. In other instances I act as if I don't care at all, but I truly do. Who am I? You might not know, but neither do I. Does it matter, it probably does. I'm just at an awkward age, where I'm in between the wall and the knives, one move and it's over, and another and I've walked in hell. What kind of choice is that? Now with other things, like friends, I like to help; but only if it's worth it. I hate complaining, but they do it constantly. They badger me about advice and when I tell them what I think they get mad because it wasn't what they wanted. Has this society become truth-intolerant? Whenever you hear the truth you wish to god you never did so you could have clean hands. And what about being dragged into a situation because you're there. There's a phrase for it, guilty by association. How can the world impose that when the world is telling us not to judge others before you've spoken or what ever. Hypocrisy is the matter with this society, with the world even; but how can we live with out it? Isn't it ironic, love?

324 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 145

Alcohol & Addiction

Mother is a child. That is all I'll say.

I, on the other hand, am weak. I'm ready to feel that blade on my skin. I'm ready to feel that pain from that cut. I'm ready to feel the blood pour out of my veins. I'm ready to feel that pain again. I'm ready to fall into my own addiction once more.

That addiction that was always there for me when people weren't. That addiction that isolated me from every one else. That one that kept me going. Now I just see the scars and think of every situation. Now they are reminders.

Do I fall back? Do I continue to fight it? Or do I just fall under it's vicious spell. Into it's vicious cycle I could not get out of last time. Will this be my last day of sanity. Oh gah, how can I know this. I just want this to stop.

If she can't stop drinking to face her problems, why should I? She's supposed to be my role model. She's the one getting wasted and falling and crying because of those damn drinks. I should've never given her my permission.

272 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 144

Never lasted

Open relationship.

didn't last.

closed relationship.

didn't last.

Hopes running high.

didn't last.

Eck. Oh well, I wasn't ready for a relationship anyways.

300 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 143

Open relationship

This kind of relationship is probably defined as a relationship between two individuals that have a mutual attraction, but a relationship where cheating is an unknown concept. Urban Dictionary defines it as a relationship in which two people agree that they want to be together, but can't exactly promise that they won't see other people too. Basically, to have it all: a significant other and the freedom to hook up with other people. Common during college for many post-high school relationships.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?!?!

259 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 142

Dancing late into the morning.

Last night I had the time of my life. I went contra dancing with an old friend. He is amazing. He taught me how to dance and after what seemed forever I stopped dancing for a bit and he asked me to dance. The lines were full, so he went to show me the lake instead. And wow. What happened after that was pure and complete esctasy. It was amazing. But I'm not getting into details. The only bad thing that really happened was that we got home REALLY late (Around 1) and my parents were mad. Really mad. Oh well, I wouldn't change last night for the world. Gah, oh and I'm talking to him at the moment and he's telling me that the last dance (the one I was watching him in) he was showing off because he wanted me to dance with him again. Eep. I'm happy now.

Oh and he does this thing called spinning poi. Which is pretty much twirling about tennis sized balls that are on fire. Eep. :D

280 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 141

Pathetic.

That I am.

Loveless.

That I am.

Hopeless.

That I am.

255 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 140

Feeling Empty.

That pretty much sums up everything for the past couple of months. I feel pathetic. I can't sleep at the same time as the rest of the family because I know I'll have nightmares. I stay up late thinking of things that could somehow explain why the crap I feel this way. I cry for no apparent reason at all, and I fake a smile to hide the truth from my parents. I'm hiding everything so I don't worry my family about something I don't even know. There's nothing really to say, nothing to complain about other than this horrible ache I feel. The unexplainable ache and emptiness I feel. :

283 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 139

There's nothing to say, but everything needed to be said.y

I don't know what you did to me. I've been feeling lonely and lonely-er as the days go on. I've noticed that I want something different. Not just one hook up, I want a relationship. One that means something with the both of us. I want to say that I'll wait for you forever, but I just doubt I even have a chance. To you I'm just a friend and you find every excuse to just not be with me. I just really wish you'd tell me what you really feel. Like I did, although it was purely out of stupidity. Oh well. I'm yearning for something different. Something with meaning that lasts months, maybe even years. I want something steady with a great guy, but will the great guy that will do this come my way? Is he willing to make me happy as I'm willing to make him happy? Gah, I have so much love that I just want to give... but I'm sort of scared too. But I want to put the fears aside, like I did with you. Gah.. too bad you didn't stop me before I got in this deep. You always gave me hope that I was at least something to you, but you were just trying to be nice. :/

277 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 138

Things could have been different.

You talked to me of change. You made me dream of it, and then I did it. Then I thought we could change together, be more than friends. You gave me hope like no other and took them away because of what time of the year it was. Now I lay in bed dreaming of what I could have been with you, what we could have been. It drives me nuts that I know that I poured my heart to you and you couldn't even respond. Everyone is telling me that I should forget about you, but it's so hard. I think... I really think I might have loved you. :[ There was always a chance. I wish we could see each other as much as we used to, now I'm just stuck here thinking about you. Thinking that we could have been so happy. I'm sorry I wasn't enough.

"I fought You for so long

I should have let You in"-

Be My Escape by Relient K.

274 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 137

Counting down 'till insanity begins

Hah. I'm counting down the days until there's even a chance we can hang out. How infuriating that is. I look at my phone hoping that by some chance that the planets have gotten arrange in a certain way so that you could call me or text me. Gah, how typical and pathetic of me :/

290 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 136

Thoughts on a blackboard.

I'm very confused. Last day of school he's supposed to stay after school, but he can't. Last night I asked him to come to a party at my house, but he can't. I'm almost 100% sure that he isn't lying to me, but all the chances I get to hang out with him, he sort of can't. I don't understand why the timing is off. I want to get to know him, to truly know if I love him. And then there's this song. That's been chasing me on the Radio. I turn on the radio, it's on. When I'm about to turn it off, it's on. When I zone out and I'm reading a book and then I decide to think a little about the whole situation, it's on. When I'm about to go to sleep thinking about him, it's on. It's chasing me and it means something. I know that it's his song. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the clue. Look into it or look over it. Just look at the fact that it just symbolizes him, or the actual lyrical meaning. Hah, I must sound out of my mind, but I guess this is what summer does to me :]

294 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 135

Indesicions makes me giggle.

Gah, I love him. Don't I? Two weeks ago, he tells me he likes someone else. And now this week its me. :] I'm such a dork, I'm attempting to be blind about the whole ordeal; I don't know how long it will last. I told him that I wouldn't be able to have the movie thing this weekend, but I offer up staying after school with me. He readily agrees and I smile like an idiot. Man, I really like him, but I just hope he's not messing with me, eh.

267 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 134

My brother is going off to college, and the one I like is crazy for another girl

How stupid am I? I'm supposed to be happy for both of them, but I'm not. I'm scared to let my brother go because then I'll be the only one that will be able to defend my dad and I from my mother. He's four years older but he seems like he's still my brother.. the one that was twelve. Gah, I'm going to miss him.. and I'm going to cry if I continue to write about him. Gah, he's my hero.

And now to the boy I like. He knows I'm head over heels inlove with him, but he likes someone else. So what do I do to cope with it? Ignore him... look at him longingly and when he turns to look at me.. I scowl and look away. I mean, seriously. And then I think he knows something is up because when he said goodbye, he had this tone of voice.. it was like woah. But I responded in a cold sort of way. I don't know, if I'm nice he'll be nice back and then I'll be more inlove with him. But if I ignore him, he'll be hurt and so will I. Why is this hard? Gah, does anyone have advice? It would honestly be helpful.

308 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 133

I find myself wondering.

Wondering about reasons behind actions. Why did this or that happen, or what would have life been with out this mistake or another. But I really don't care. That's what makes my life distinguisable from everyone elses. All these constant pains, are the things I learn from. :]

297 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 132

But sometimes time has to be a factor.

He said this to me and I've denied and changed millions of things to be with him. He's made me better, and now he officially knows I love him; but 'things are going with Natasha' that's freaking gay. I love him, I really love him. It's driving me nuts. I really love him, but I'm officially 'not out of the picture' or so he says. But I'm going stay in the freaking corner, waiting for him. How pathetic must I be?

289 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 131

National Day of Prayer.

Dear Lord;

I pray for forgiveness for my sins, those I've done knowingly and those I have comitted with out thought. I will do penitance for the forgiveness I have asked for.

I also pray for guidance. Guide me, O Lord, to do right and to show other's how You true and just You are. Guide me, O Lord. That's what I ask, guide me to do right, guide me to get through this situation, and guide me to be a better person. Guide me, Lord.

I also pray for this country and it's leaders. May this upcoming Presidental Election bring goodness and peace to the United States. May the newly elected President be a good leader that will lead Your flock to greatness.

I pray last for all those souls crying out for help. May You help them and guide them on the road to heaven. May anyone in need be helped by Your merciful hand.

I pray this, Lord, and also give You thanks for everything You have given me. May I be a loyal follower. In Your name I pray and live.

Amen.

293 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 130

“Lately, the weather has been so bi-polar; And consequently, so have I."

It explains it all.

269 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 129

Traps

I keep walking in the same traps. I keep doing the same things wrong. I keep falling for the one guy that wouldn't mind hurting me. How pathetic have I become. I've started missing my middle school years sorely. I've started to cry every night because of distant memories. I've honestly started to hate myself a bit more everyday. How sad... How stupid.. How pathetic these little traps are.

273 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 128

He says he wants to move on.

And I want him to make him happy; but I'm not sure I want to let him go. But if it makes him happy, I guess I'm willing to do it. It's going to hurt like crazy though... It hurts already.. I mean the thought.. just kills me. I want to just go cry, but I don't want to give up. Will I? I'm just really scared.

I know that if I had a relationship with him, I KNOW it would be real. Not like the fake ones I've had before. I'm so ready to find that, but I just let it slip through my fingers.

299 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 127

After the Suspension.

After being out of school for the past 10 days because of some stupid intention; I'm going to have to go to some classes and I have to be monitored. Gah, I feel like a criminal; but what ever. These are the consequences and they are the conditions to going back to school. And God is with me, so that will make these things a lot easier. Anyways, I'm still scared about going back to school. I've been really naive about people judging you. Everyone judges everyone, its just what people do. And they're hypocritical about it too. But anyways, rumours are spreading about the whole 'incident' and I just want them to go away. Oh well, I guess those are part of the consequences too. But yeah... Head up, Chin up. Good motto, eh?

300 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 126

Wrongs and Rights

So many things have gone wrong. Mistakes for example. I shouldn't be on the verge of expulsion, those pot heads should. I shouldn't be stuck at home, those bastards should. Damn, but I can't do anything about it. Which bothers me... I'm sad and completely hopeless because I'm running out of friends and self-esteem. I'll find myself wondering how everybody would like it if I just wasn't there anymore. I always come to the conclusion that everybody would be happier. But I just can't disappear. I have to finish these stupid consequences before I can really leave. And they just keep piling up. I hate being alone and I'm scared of it, but I just find myself alone all the time. Ironic, isn't it?

And the boy, gosh darn him. He doesn't want anything to do with me and it's killing me. I don't know what to do. Darn it... do I love the kid?

276 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 125

I hate myself.

I gave up on him for a few minutes.

Just to learn a valuable lesson that might mess up my future.

But I gave up on him.

I care about him... so much.. and I just hurt him so badly.

I want his forgiveness.. I need it.

I need him... I fucked up.

300 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 124

New Goals and Ideals

I just got back from church. At first I wasn't getting out of it until I got to Youth Group. We had just talked about how we're supposed to get to heaven, and well this boy spoke up. He made so much sense and I felt like I agreed and such. A calmness came over me and yeah. But that's not where it ended! We went for adoration and we were supposed to sit there and pray or try to speak to the Lord, then a man started playing the guitar and singing. I felt tears in my eyes and I let them go. Then, I realized why I didn't accept Christianity or any other Religion for that matter. I have a fear of dependency. When ever some one asks me to help, I deny the offer. Hm, why? I don't know. But I want to change, I'm done with this fear or phobia or what ever you want to call it! I don't want it to rule my life. I want to be able to count on someone other than myself. Because I'm sure someone out there is willing to help me like I help countless others :D

297 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 123

Different, eh?

Hm, He's different. I know it, but I'm scared. He's read my blogs on myspace, the ones that were meant for him. He's given me honest advice. But now I'm scared. Scared he's too good to be true.

274 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 122

I don't want to..

I amaze myself. I woke up early this morning because I was nervous because I was going to see you. Then when the time actually comes. I don’t talk. I avoid conversation with you, unless I blame it on the darn hyperness. And there I was, right next to you. Hyperventilating, with my heart beating 20 times the average speed. All I was thinking was, He’s right next to me! Do something! Mess with him, anything! And I did nothing. Now I can think of million different things I could of said, and millions of possibilities, but I did none of them. Because I’m too shy around you, and I want to be perfect for you. I don’t know what would upset you, I don’t know the limits and I don’t want to cross them with out knowing it.

Because I don’t want to mess up anything when it comes to you.

295 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 121

Insanity.

Maybe I'm insane, but then again. What's the definition of being insane. Not sane. Hah. It's just like me saying I'm not normal. And that indeed, I am not. Far from normal, but being normal is so over rated. Maybe sanity is the same way. But why do you ask I say this? Hmm, well it probably has to deal with my love life. There once was a girl who fell for every guy she couldn't have, but grew bored when she found out they were drooling at her feet. Then, one came about and completely threw her out of her ways. Now she had to work hard for this one, changing what she once was into something she's never dreamed of being. Now she's quiet, more reserved, losing things she doesn't need nor does she care about. Hmm, all for this one boy. A boy that makes he blood run hot with a glance and her hopes run high with a smile. Whom might this girl be? Well, yes. I'm talking about myself. Today I completely through this guy out of the water because he just wanted one kiss. Although my hormones were raging because I'm one over hormonic kind of girll.. I still said no. And why? Because that one boys name was being screamed in my head. Hundreds and thousand times over. Maybe he's different. But I will never know, unless he gives me a chance. Hmm, I've never liked it when other people had control of the future, but with him. I don't think I really mindd.

Oh goshh, he's really changed me.. hasn't he.

307 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 120

He's throwing me off a Cliff.

Hopes running high, Fears coming straight on. I don't know what to think, I need to get off the road. Things don't make sense anymore. But he's driving crazy. What's going on? Things don't make sense anymore. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I'm going crazy just thinking about what to do next. And now, I'm just sitting here alone.

294 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 119

Dear Teddy,

You make my heart flutter, you make my hopes go up and down. Although, I have to catch my breath when you walk by, you don’t notice. I’ve had my hopes go soaring and then dwindling in a moments notice because of you. I really care about you, you don’t even understand. You mean a lot to me, you will never know how much. But there’s somethings I have to say. You’re uncertainty is basically killing me. I won’t say I love you, because I’m not sure I do, but goshh. It’s pretty close. But I don’t know what you want me to do. I’ve changed for the better and lost a few friends in the process. But is this worth it? Will I get what I’ve been searching for at the end? I just really hope you know what you’re doing and that you’re not just messing with me because you don’t know how bad that would hurt me. It would hurt me more than anything because I think of you so differently from other guys, from everyone else. But you make me happy, just by a glance or a smile towards me. You make my emotions go to the worlds end and back in a instant. And now that I think about it, in seventh grade I had a dream about a guy named Teddy. He reminds me of you, scary, eh? Anyways, I really do like you. I hope you know that. :)

289 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 118

Pain, Tooth, Dentist.

Holy shit! They pulled my tooth out and now it hurts like crazy. And I couldn't go with Teddy to the movies because I was drooling all over the place. Gross. :/

291 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 117

Giggle, Giggle

Daisy (7:43:55 PM): ohohoh. teddy is gunna' ask you out soon. =O

Daisy (7:44:02 PM): just a heads up, if you didn't know

Me (7:44:42 PM): huh?

Me (7:45:13 PM): er.. i dunno what to say.

Me (7:45:23 PM): tell me what he said.. puh-lease?

Daisy (7:49:10 PM): so. in bio he was looking kind of distressed. he was all, 'i'm not sure if i should ask her, i really wouldn't know her reaction.' i was all 'give it a shot, you'll never know'. and he's all 'she doesn't look that interested in me *whinewhinewhinewhine*'. like he always does. but eh, i think he will

Me (7:49:57 PM): ..giggle.. giggle.

Me (7:49:59 PM): lol.

Me (7:50:24 PM): hmm.. i try to keep my cool when he's around... if i don't i'd be squeaky, and blushing, and giggling all over the place.

Me (7:50:30 PM): like i am right now.. hehehehe.

Yeah, I'm giggling :D

300 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 116

Is Change really For the better?

That's what has been going through my head all night. I mean, I want to change because what I've done in the past has not been me. I did it to impress, I guess. And now, if I really am just me... how are people going react to that? Hm.. Oh well, But I really like Teddy. I know he likes me but he doesn't want to because I've been so bad in the past. :/ How upsetting is that? Another barrier I can't overcome because of something I can't change. Pathetic, eh?

281 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 115

Sooo-weet.

Brandon and I aren't talking much and I'm changing for the better. I stopped flirting with people. Which is good and I stopped cursing. So good change and I'm crushing on a good kid. He's like AMAZINGly good. No bad stuff has to do with this kid. Which is GREAT! :)

295 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 114

Disgusted.

I'm disgusted at myself. Gross.

287 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 113

Give up

All I have to do now is just give up.

318 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 112

He gives me the tingles.

He makes me happy no matter what. But it's driving me crazy. I love the way he touches me, holds my hands, smells, talks, looks, acts, swiftly finds a way to surprise me. I love just the way he is.. just everything about him. I want him so bad, but I don't know what to do about it. I want to do what Cassen told me, to just grab a hold of his hair and kiss him. Jaac said it was hot, but I want to do it to Brandon.. Eek. I really love the kid, but I really don't know what I'm going to do about him.

But I'll tell you a story.

This morning I came into school. Ready to see him, but only finding myself in disappointment. So I sit in the middle of B-C and Jessica on one side of the table. Then Brandon walks in with all his glory and sits across me. Now remember, we're all facing in front of us. Like B-C, Jessica, and I were facing away from the table and Brandon was facing towards the table/my back.

Seating Arrangement #1-

Purple Left- B-C

Purple Right- Jessica

Red- Me

GreenishBlue- Brandon

Then I went to talk to Hannah because she had just come in and I left the table. So Brandon moved to my seat and yeahh, when I came back I took his old seat.

Seating Arrangement #2-

Purple Left- B-C

Purple Right- Jessica

Red- Me

GreenishBlue- Brandon

Then out of no where Brandon stands up and comes and sits next to me.

Seating Arrangement #3-

Purple Left- B-C

Purple Right- Jessica

Red- Me

GreenishBlue- Brandon

See that really surprised me and I thought I should share it with someone. Oh well, then he grabbed my hand since I was cold and well. yeah, held it. Hm, then he walked me to first period and in the staircase I looked behind me [because he was walking so slowly] and he kissed me.. I turned around because I was blushing and grinning like an idiot. But anyways, he walked me to 1st period. :D Hm.. Then after 1st I went to my locker to get my biology book and he met me by my locker and walked me to second and kissed me before I entered 2nd. Leah saw and she was questioning me non-stop, but I was just smiling and giggling. Hm, then I went to my locker to get my books for third and I met him by the rail, he walked me to 3rd and then yeahh. Then fourth, I went downstairs.. and I gave him a hug and we parted. Then during lunch I went to the band room and played hackey sack and then after that I met him by my locker.. and well.. yeah. We just flirted and stuffies and as we were walking to my fifth period the bell rang so I was late.. so I gave him a hug before Mrs. Owens closed the door and he wouldn't let me go. So I looked up to see what was going on and he kissed me :) Hah.. so yeahh. I'm super happy, more stuffies happened but I'll keep those to myself. Today was a great day but I'm really confused,but I do know I love him. He's the only one that can make me react the way I do to him. It's crazy. :D

315 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 111

Bad Decisions

I really like him. I let myself keep falling for him and now I'm back where I started. I don't know what to do, he gives me butterflies. A feeling I haven't had in forever. And he's the only one that can give it to me. I really need help. And I mean, I want to move on, but it's so hard. And I like him too much. Ugh, I really don't know what to do. Help?

288 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 110

Fuck me.

You called me. Asked if I wanted to hang out with you. Do you really want me? Or are you just playing with me... but fuck.. GR.

335 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 109

Break me, Hate me

I need to get this out of my system. Why do you play with me? Am I not good enough to actually be yours? I'm crazy about you, I know you notice that everytime you touch me I flinch or react in some way. But FUCK, I love you. I've loved you for 2 almost 3 fucking years now. What do you want from me? Please don't tell me that all you want is physical.. Please tell me that I'm not some worthless piece of shit. Damnnnnnn.. Maybe I am. But I don't care. I'll be better.. I'll try. For you, I'll do anything. Don't you get it? You mean the world to me, you mean more than anyone has ever meant before. I threw away 3 months of my life.. gave up a few friends.. because of you. I gave you everything that I am.. and now I'm getting nothing. Do I mean anything to you? Did I ever mean anything? I remember I asked you those questions in the seventh grade. You said yes to all of them. I remember you talked about our marriage.. our kids.. will that ever happen? By god... I love you, will you realize it's killing me already?

289 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 108

Might as well give up.

Yesterday, I was mad scared because there was a really big fight brawling right infront of me. I was really scared and out of no where someone grabbed my hand and took me awa from it. Who was that? Brandon Matthew Rodgers. Man, that kid saves me from everything. I can't help but fall for him faster, and faster. Oh well, I shouldn't let it get to my head.. but whatever. We were walking him to his classroom and we were going up the stairs and I was just messing with him and he kissed me. Out of nowhere! I didn't anything of it until we were right infront of his class room, I gave him a hug and he wouldn't let go. I didn't understand what was going on, and I looked up. And then bam... we kissed again. But then again, that wasn't the last time of the day. It was then after 4th period and I was off to go skip 5th period as well, and I hugged him because the bell was about to ring and he needed to get to class, and well.. he wouldn't let me go again. So I was a little prepared that time, and we just.. well yeah, kissed. The butterflies fluttered and everything. It was pretty crazy, but oh well. I might as well forget it because I'm pretty sure he wants nothing more than that. :/

290 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 107

Pathetic

I'm falling for him again.

365 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 106

Scavenger hunt for Heartbreak.

You lead me on a chase.

A chase the lead me to heart ache.

You lead me on.

You left me to sit there with an unbearable pain.

You left me for one of my old friends.

And you knew that too.

God dammit, you left me feeling empty.

Like I'm worthless,

but you're probably right. I am.

296 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 105

Worthless Stories.

Corey and Chris came over today and we had a blast. I really like Corey, but I dunno. I don't think much is going to happen. I mean, I do want it to, but it just doesn't seem like it will. Oh well, Corey is great :D

290 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 104

Frustration leads to Sorrow.

Thinking has led me to the point I am now. Unfortunately at the moment I don't think anything is worth my time, I'm apathetic about every subject I can think of. My past is coming back and bothering me until I break. It's definitely winning. I don't want to fall into the same thing I was in a few years ago. I want to be stronger, but I'm afraid I'm just going to figure out I'm weaker. Of course, I haven't given up yet, but I'm barely winning this battle. I don't want to hurt again, I want to put up the wall back up. The one I've kept down for a few months. Today, people on the bus caught a glimpse at the wall. It was as if I wasn't there, or at least that's what Sarah told me. She said that she knew I was physically there, but she just couldn't pick up any vibe that I was there. I just sat there for a whole two hours staring at the seat. Thinking about mindless things. Letting past memories flow through my mind until I finally just let the tears fall. I hid them well, though. But what's going on? I feel as if I should be better and I'm not living up to my expectations and I just want to give up.. right about now. But I wont because I'm too stubborn. Gah, I want to succeed but it seems so hard. And I know that if everything starts to go down the drain that it has to go up sometime, but what if I can't wait that long? Ugh, my mind is just messed up and so is everything else.

285 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 103

Irritable Lies

I feel bad when I lie to my mother about religion and she's been stressing it a lot this week. Also with the whole sexuality thing. It's really throwing me off. I just want to be myself infront of them, but I guess that will never happen. I always feel like I have a mask infront of them. And I can't take it off because they might run off horrified of what's really there. How pathetic is that? I'm scared to be myself infront of the people that brought me into this world. Well, it's partly their fault I'm scared because they just keep making these smart ass remarks about others. Like people that are homosexuals are all of a sudden the devils and stuff like that. It's really uncomfotable, but I just have to not and attempt to change the subject. Oh well, I only have 3 more years until I can really be myself. :)

322 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 102

Happy Conversations

Corey and I talked last night. It was pretty sweet, I haven't giggled and blushed that much and enjoyed it in a long time. Ugh, I really like talking to him, I feel like we can both be ourselves and not have to hide anything. Its exciting. :) Oh well, I should be doing something.. so I'll leave. Hopefully today will be a good day. :)

292 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 101

Great Surprises, or not

Going with the flow has brought me many surprises. Some are good some are not. Most of them are alright. Anyways, the flow brought Brandon and I into a sort of friends with benefits relationship, which I didn't really mind as of late. Then I met Corey and started talking to him. I have to admit the kid is pretty interesting, but I doubt he's 'love' material. Anyways, Corey wants to date me and I wouldn't mind but I have to figure out if Brandon likes me first. So I'm just going to be straight up with him. Anyways, with Kevin its another ordeal. When I thought he liked me, he really didn't; and then when I thought he didn't, he really did. But as soon as I found out he had a mild crush on me, it was diminished because of our two year age difference. Which upsets me. I never really knew how much my age can affect people, sure I act much older; but it's still there. And it also brought me to think if my height contributes to any problems. Will some people refuse me because I'm short? I hope I don't ever have to find out, but I'm pretty sure some will. :/ Oh well.. I guess I just have to be optimistic about the whole ordeal.

295 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 100

Confusion, Tragedy, Deception, Rage & Fury.

Morning, disaster. I took studying the extreme with no sleep. Eekk. But as soon as I came to school and i saw brandon, it was all alright. i don't know what's up with that kid. rather sad, anyways, whatever. morning was good, loads of flirting and he kissed me before first.. and before fourth... and before fifth... and before sixth... and that's it. wonderful, eh? whatever. it was all rather confusing at first, but i'm not going to fight it. i'll go with the flow, if we kiss... we kiss. i'm not going to try to make anything of it.. just the flow. whatever.

blair.. is.. mad.. at.. me. and i'm furious at him. skipping is not good, but he should never blame it on my friends. what an asshole.he talks as if he's better than them. hah, i bet you they could kick his ass. i mean, sure he's smart, but fuck. he's got nothing on them. damn, i wish i could teach him a lesson. but you know what pisses me off the most? it's the fact that i backed him up against my other ib friends a few days ago, and he says nothing about them. just because my very best friends are non-ib doesn't mean he can talk shit about them. ughhh. oh well, the kid is too clingy. gross.

Yay, entry 100 :D

297 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 99

Beautiful Mistake

My life surrounds itself with the word mistake. Everything I do ends up being a mistake. And then I can't fix it when I realize what I've done. Take it for example, my relationship with a guy always ends with no questions being asked. Always ends because of an impulse. I should ask question, by god. I'm so horrible.

And with my parents. Mistakes bring me to guilt. I can't bring myself to tell them about my cell phone. And I cut last night because of it. Am I horrible child? Should I not be here? It's like what ever fuck is wrong with me? Is the world against me? Have I madden the god that I don't believe in? Or is it just karma?

Gosh, the world is too fucked up. You tell the truth and you get fucked over. Tell a lie, and it's ten times worse. In your concious and your life. Its like what the fxck mate?! Oh well.. I'm over with it.

Valetine's Day is in two day. No guy has even looked my way, now I'm crushed and dreading thursday :/

300 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 98

Easier said that done.

How pathetic am I? I keep going back on what I am saying. I should be happy it;s over. He didn't give me what I needed. Sure he was good with the physical things. But what about the emotional ones, like the little cute I love yous? He only did it when he was a lone and that was rare. But what ever shall I do? Keep moping or try to get over it. I want to get over it, but it's so hard. I don't know. What everrrrr.

Oh well, today I wrote this note on facebook. It said post you name if you want to know what I think about you. No lies, just the truth.

I sounded like a bitch in some of them, like Farrell's. I told her I hated that she was an attention seeker. It really disgusted me, but I still love her. And Paul's He always tried to act like something he wasn't. And Jakob's; I hated his flirting. It made me uncomfortable. What about me. What would people think of me?

Maria's a whore, undecisive and completely pathetic. She tries to be strong and hide things, but she can't. She's an absolute failure at life. And she can't do anything right. She messes everything up. Maria Mess-up should be her nickname.

Yup, that pretty much sums me up. Hmm.. great self-esteem I have there. Mann, I have mad issues.

294 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 97

So I've thought this over. Why am I thinking so much about Brandon. We broke up its over, I need to move on. And he wasn't good for me. There's always better people for me. Now I'm not saying he isn't good enough for me, but we're just not in the same level. And I'm fine with it. I'll just go with the flow :D

276 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 96
Listening to: Rise Against
Feeling: hardcore

So, I wrote a long ass entry but it got erased. So I'll cut it short.

Brandon and I broke up on the 19th of January.

Zach and I started going out on the 20th of January.

Zach and I broke up on the 28th of January.

Brandon has been flirting with me since the beginning of this week. And it's driving me insane.

And Kevin and I have been flirting like crazy. Except if Brandon gave me a chance, I would jump at the oppurtunity.

289 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 95

Things are good.

Except for not being able to see him.

I really miss him.

It's crazy.

Last night, I couldn't sleep because I was dreaming about him.

The night before I dreamt about him too.

Gahh- It's crazy.

Oh well... I miss school. Because at least at school I can see him and my friends at the same time. :D

Oh well. I'll write laterrrrr.

306 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 94

My last post was a week ago and a day. He did sleep over. It was so much fun. I had a great time with him. Gah he's so cute and I don't know. I just love the guy. :D So yeah. When we got back to school Brandon was being so much more open and I love it! :D Great! Hmpf... well... in exactly two days it will be our 2 month anniversary. Making this relationship my longest relationship everrrr. :D Hmpf. Oh well..I'm going to go. I'm super tired :/ Byeeee.

282 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 93

Last night I got my glasses. I'm so excited about showing them off. I mean I have photos of them, but they aren't decent at all. Anyways, Brandon should be sleeping over today. And I talked to him for about an hour last night. Weirdest conversation I've ever had. Hmpffff. I don't know what's going on, everything is so complicatedddddddd! :/

299 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 92

Past few nights [Since Sunday] I've had no sleep. I love him. I know that, but he hurts me so much. It's crazy. Yes, Brandon and I continue to go out, but it's not the same anymore. I don't see any love coming from him. Although I know I enough love for the both of us, but its not right. It's like I'm nothing to him. He doesn't care. Today he wasn't at school. Something about a doctor's appointment, and to tell you the truth. I don't think I believe him. Friday, he's supposed to come over. Ride the bus home with me, but no. That's not going to happen. I'm trying everything to stay with him, but people have noticed that I'm not the same. I'm not happy anymore. But fuck I love him! Ugh, I don't know. I'm in a complicated situation :/

307 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 91

Hm, wow. My and Brandon have been going out for more than a month. And it's exciting! He was going to leave and go to a different school, but that plan failed. Anyways, it's all good though, because I honestly love him like crazy. Things seem to be going so well. I'm just so happy. :D

301 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 90

This week was pretty much boring.

Except Wednesday and maybe today. :D

Erm, Brandon and I are still going strong.

So I'm guessing we're going to make it to the

1 month mark. But after that, I do not know.

Oh and yesterday, my little Maleeha grew up.

She will probably mention it in her diary,

So read her's to find out! :D

Er, other than that I don't have much to talk about.

But heyyy, I guess I'll have something to talk about over the weekend.

Brandonnnnnnnnn. lol.

Alrighty, well I'm officially off.

Bye

322 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 89

Okay. Maybe I have a big update. Actually.. I do. :D Well Oktober 24th I got a boyfriend. Brandon... er... again :D I'm happy though. So yes.

323 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 88

Currently in the life of Maria.

Well, High School has been... well... odd. Lots of things have happened already. Sadly I'm still single, but I've met amazing people. IB Program is hard but I'm getting through it. Heh. It's pretty cool. But I've noticed a lot has changed with me. I hide a lot of things, I'm more exclusive; but that's besides the point. High School is great, and I'm loving it. :]

330 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 87

I moved and I love the new house. It's pretty much amazing. And I've already lived here a month. Lots of things have happened already. I liked this one guy,but then we became friends. Now I have tons of friends and no boyfriend. Hm. Oh well. Still, highschool is a week away and I'm scared. Which is quite sad. Lol. But nothing new in my life. Other than I got a hair cut. Thats about it. I'll write in here later.

301 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 86

nothing is new.

im single. i dont like it.

i dont like anyone though.

thats a first.

um, im moving in 4 days. and i think i should be sleeping.

its 3 am and im tired. but oh well.

bye

273 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 85

Hmmm, lots and nothing has happened while I've been away. After seeing Brandon. A lot of different and new feelings started resurfacing. I didn't want them to. Oh well, I liked this one guy for a really long time. [Cameron] and Priscilla decided to like him too. So I, being a good friend, stepped away. And that's the last of him. I was left to think relentlessly about other candidates. There were a lot, but none that sparked my interest. Later, I went back out with Zach Gray and that didn't end well. Anyways, I've had a lot of time to think over spring break. I know I don't need a guy. I have a great friend. That should be enough, but I am not satisfied. I want a guy to love and to love me back. I admit it. I am a hopeless romantic =(. Wish I wasn't but I am. It is my crime. Oh well, My birthday is next Saturday. I'm dreading next Saturday. That means my parents are going to plan out something wacky and I'm getting older. That's just really gay. =(.

303 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 84

er..

lots has gone on.

umm me and skylar broke up.

he got a girlfriend.

then i moved on. broke up.

tried another guy. broke up.

and now here i am.

single but happy because i have my friends.

although im confused out of my mind.

because someone from the past came back to my life.

his name is brandon rodgers my seventh grade love.

never did stop loving him.

but after not seeing him. it wore off.

you know what i mean?

now that i saw him and basically talk to him everyday.

all the memories and feelings are coming back.

kinda bad but kinda good.

also friday was absolutely awesome.

i met two great guys.

[well saw one of them and then talked to him on myspace]

they are great and amazing.

kinda have a crush on them.

but nothing is going to happen.

because well.. i dont know. its just not.

i think.

oh and one of my oldest and bestest friend told me he loved me.

but then got a girlfriend.

but im kind of glad he did.

i didnt want to tell him no.

=]

well thats my update.

x3

304 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 83

okay. yeah well.. this is kind of weird. last friday me and skylar hung out. and well we had alot of fun. and well we kind of started going back out monday. while hes not confused... i am... WAY confused... too many guys like me..<3

320 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 82

ok im in class. doing nothing. but me and skylar. well... forget staying low. he didnt ask me out. but me and him are acting like we are going back out. and im sooo happy. its great to know that he really likes me back. and gah. i love his hugs. but he loves mine to because he wont stop hugging me ;]]. im soo happY! yay. oh well. im going to go. bye!

307 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 81

right now im fixing to give up on guys. at leasrt for a while. except skylar likes me back. but hes confused. i am too.. soo we are just going to stay low. but i dont know... i know i like him. a lot. i wont say i love him. but i mean.. i know i really like him because at the begining of the week he was really sad. and when i saw him my heart just dropped and broke. it was really sad. gah. i dont know, i really dont care about what happens with me. i just care if he gets hurt or not. cuz i cant bare seeing him sad. =[[. oh wells.<3

307 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 81

oks.. yeah... still single. really hating it though. and i really want him back. but what ever... he moved on.. and i should too. oh wells.. life does go on. ummm i found out that alot of guys like me.. and i like 2 or 3 of them back.. one of them is cliffy but i cant because hes my brothers best friends. then theres zach.. i dont know about him. oh well... and then comes cameron.. now him i have a really BIG crush on him. oh wells... lets see waht happens later today.. =D!

291 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 80

gah.... me and him broke up. like big time.... what ever.. life goes on though...single... yayz. lolz.<3

293 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 79

alrighty my boyfriend lied to me

he said he loved me because i was me

but he wants me to change<3

300 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 78

boredom suckz. me and skylar are going great and im really happy with him. like really really really happy with him. its great. well its almost christmas and i cant really wait.<3

284 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 77

ok yeah me and zach broke up but i got a new bf. its skylar. i really like him and yeah. oh wellz. byez!

<3

344 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 76

sooooo tired.

289 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 75

okz i have good newz and bad newz

bad:

zach broke up with me

good:

zach broke up with me

lolz... ok so yeah im not sad about it... but w.e lolz

<3

300 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 74

ok... just found out that my flipping bf is prude!!!! aaahh... not fair. okz... soo i missed the bus yesterday so i went to the car-line right??? then like.... i was trying to get him to hug me... but nnoooooooo he wanted to be like 50 ft away from me. then finally i kissed him on the cheek... but the teacher was behind me... sooo i freezed. then all of sudden he was out of sight. skylar had told me that he already left. and i was like omg y did you ever let me meet him!!!! aahh... but yeah w/e.... idk... my dad keepz saying that i should go out with skylar... cuz it seems like i like him a lot.... NOT!..... well maybe a little...

maybe a lot

ok ok fine i give....

yeah i like him a WHOLE bunch....

but come one hes hott. lolz. oh wellz i guess thats it for me. byez.

301 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 73

okz.... ive gone out with zach for 2 monthz now..... wow... its awesome. and oih yeah i cut my hair. its awesome. lolz

340 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 72

heyz. im super bored. and aaahahh.... i feel sick.. and like shit. it pisses me off..... ballz. but wait... aaah. i'll just go. see ya

325 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 71

idk. im super bored... yeah my ex hates me.. and its pretty funny. oh oh oh. today we were doing speeches for the student government (im going for pres. cuz my mom made me) and yeah... i think i sucked but i think im going to win cuz im the only one running. how stupid is that??? oh wellz. im just bored.<3

335 hit(s) (5 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 70

broke up with my bf.... and he hates me. oh well. lolz

337 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 69
Feeling: abnormal

wowzers. my throat hurts and im talking funny. i think im actually loosing my voice. kinda weird. but oh well. i gave zach a hug and he looks steaming hott. lolz. omg i just love that kid. hes the best in the world. and omg.. guess what?! he said i love you. like in person. he never did that before. he always says it on the phone or on aim. soo yeah its kind of a big deal. lolz. oh well i frigging love him. just the best ever!! umm... soo. yeaj i guess you guys figurted out that we go back out again. he he he. lolz. oh yeah guess what?! i learned how to write in cursive today. it was awesome. all 1st perioid i was writing cursive. its just too cool. lolz.

333 hit(s) (4 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 68

coolest song

Joanna, Open Your Eyes

Joanna, Open Up Your Eyes

Words by Josh Hill

Verse

Under the night sky, with the rain falling down in our eyes

We are soaked our hands so cold but tonight

Ill hold you close to let you know its alright

You dont have to hold so tight

Chorus

Joanna you know you are the closest that Ive ever come to love

Verse

Running from porch lights that came on as we ran by

Well stay right here and will be fine

My lips on your mouth so you dont make a sound

At least not one to loud

Chorus

Joanna you know you are the closest that Ive ever come to love

Joanna open up your eyes so you can see theres nothing wrong tonight

Bridge

It could be the last time I see you standing under this street light

So I want you to know

I want you to know

Chorus

Joanna you know you are the closest that Ive ever come to love

Joanna open up your eyes so you can see theres nothing wrong tonight

So you can see theres nothing wrong tonight

296 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 67

Heyz im super bored.Gah today i got in trouble for freaking haven a damn skirt with damn pink. ok that is frigging gay. gosh im soooo mad. oh well. i got a cool one on right now. but omgoshzzz i need help. okz

there are two guyz. ummm

jeremy-

hes awesome and i love him to death. hes awesome but we dont really get to see eachother that much. hes in highschool and hes super hot! lolz. umm.. hes the dream guy for me. but yeah.

zach-

hes cool. hes kinda prude but we see eachother every day and pretty much every weekend. but skylar needs to tell him when to kiss me and hold my hand. most of the time i just do it and i hate it. oh wellz.

help me please?!

275 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 66

Ugh. I broke up with him. I was quite happy too. but EVERYONE got mad at ME! I was like wtf?! dude. oh well... umm.. life is cool and im in class... we are showing our slide shows.. just waiting till mine comes up. hmmm... oh well i gotta go. see ya!

284 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 65

Omg! Im soo freaking confused. I think I love someone that isnt my bf. That sucks sooo bad. I was having dreams about someone else.... and gosh this just doesnt add up. it just doesnt. this hurts a lot too. what if... i like jeremy?? gosh... i cant break up with zach for my ex. that isnt right. its just like me and brandon. i broke up with alan for brandon. i dont want this to happen again. its tooooo gay. rawr. maybe i should just take a break from dating. omg i really need help! I cant ask skylar either because zahc os his best friend. i cant handle this!! wahhh...

303 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 64

How are you guys?

Im super bored... and omg i kissed him today. it was just sooo cool!!! omg it was awesome. and then guess what?! I GOT A 90 IN A MATH TEST! GRREAT! i think i might get off grounding now. its awesome! he he he he. but now i finished my project before time. and i think im going to finish my myth project! YES! this is an awesome day. oh oh oh. and i get to see zach again. wonder if we make out. lolz. but of well im super happy!! he he he.. oh well im going to go. byezzz

&heart;

Maria

PS. I Love Zach

289 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 63

umm... confused. its just really weird. umm... i dont know... uhhhh... yeah im going to go. bye

285 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 62

told you i would post them. and look how bored i was. lolz

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

317 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 61
Feeling: dazed

Super bored. dont know what to do cuz class is gay. especially geometry.... gah wtf?! i studied for a damn test... got everything and then it turns out that i get a freaking D. what the fuck man. oh well.... im relly bored.... and i wanted to see my boyfriend over the weekend and then my mom was being a bitch and said no.... rawr. oh well... im just going to go.

PS i took pictures sat. sooo im posting them up today... or maybe tomorrow... who knows.

335 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 60
Listening to: Jasey Rae
Feeling: aloof

hey.

im super bored. again in class.... gosh hes not doing anything today. oh well. how are you guys?? um... does any one use sitdiary anymore???well... i still do. kind of. oh well... oh have i toldyou i have a boyfriend?! its Zach Gray. He is like the awesomest. I had to leave himtoday...wwaaahh.. oh well... we get to hang outsaturday. i dont know what else to write about. oh oh oh. jeremy was mad at me... but now he isnt. i thought i didnt like him anymore... buti think i do. buti dont want to risk it with zach. cuz i really love him. oh well.... ummm... i found this really goodband its All Time Low. They have an awesome song "Jasey Rae" it goes.... give me a second... "I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar.

I've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire.

I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire,

but recently the flames are getting out of control."

I think thats like the coolest. lolz

315 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 59

Hey

Havent been here in a while. Well i just wanted to say me and Jeremy broke up and I have a new boyfriend. His name is Zach Gray. jeremy was mad once he found out because I asked him to take me back. he took waaaaaaaayy too long to answer so i thought he didnt like me. thought wrong but what can i do? im not breaking Zach just to go back with Jeremy. Well i could but i dont want to. me and zach have gone really good. I gave him a hug today. I felt safe..... i dont know i just felt super good. lolz. anyways. it was just great. umm.... well.. im going to go. see ya!

320 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 58

Bored.... in class... which sucks

grrrr... i dont know what to do. i have free time but everything is blocked on this thing. oh well...

&heart;Maria

325 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 57

Heyzz to every one out there that is reading this. I am bored out of my mind and im in class.... bummerz lolz. sooo howz life to you all?? mine is going great... i guess. lolz. i have a new friend and she has no clue what im writing. i thimk lolz. anyways.. life is good... so its "ALL GOOD" lolz.

&heart;

Maria

270 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 56

I found some cool things... so looky!!

EmoishMaria

305 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 55

Isnt it weird that the only time i've been writing is the 24th of each month? Geeee.... i think its weird. I guess im cursed. lol. Well yeah after the movies July 17th me and brandon went out yet another time. Its was cool.... well i guess... then he broke upo with me through myspace. he sounded very sincere, but he wasnt. I learned this from his step-brother, jeremy. we have been talking for about a week. we started talking because of me. i wanted to hurt brandon some way. whether emotionally or physically. soooooo i thought emotionally would be the best. soooo i tried getting jeremy and it worked. he told me brandon had cheated on me and i was mad. but not heart-broken, cuz i knew there was someone else for me. then i started having a real crush on jeremy. jeremy finally asked me out and i said yes. i said yes because i wanted to. i knew it wouldnt hurt brandon cuz brandon doesnt even like me anymore. therefore what was the use of saying yes. there wasnt.... but i wanted to say yes because i liked jeremy. anyways...i guess you guys are updated about my life now. tomorrow im going to see jeremy. well i hope.

&heart;Maria

278 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 54

Hmm.. wow. I havent wrote in this since me and brandon broke up. But you want to know what. He is one confusing little person. I mean one day he's like im not ready. the next we are in the movies making out... gah-so confusing! lol. oh well... i guess i liked the making out part.. even though it seriously wasnt suppose to happen. lol. oh well.. i'll live.

&heart;Maria

301 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 53

Damn... i feel like shit

&heart;

Maria

295 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 52

Its not fair i tell you! it really isnt. I mean i got sad cuz he told me that he was quitting everything that made him happy. (not me) but its not fair!! and then today I waved like crazy to him but he ignored me... and then, he was sad and i asked what was wrong... and he said nothing. I went to class to put my stuff down when i came out side and he was getting a drink. I got a quick drink and i went to talk to him, but he was talking to some other chick and it seemed that all his problems were gone. it hurt. then we made eye contact and my eyes watered. A tear fell and he saw it!... i was going to talk to him but he just left. adn then right after 6th i was going to talk to him, but i saw him and i felt happy. Then i looked back and he ditched me. i went to say hi to maleeha once i realized this... and i couldnt believe it. i held in my tears and started walking. then i looked back and he was happily talking to my best friend. Does he not like me?! Im i freaking out for no reason?! Gosh i hate this!!..........

&heart;

Maria

282 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 50

wow... my 50th entry!!! isnt that kool?! lol... well you guys have heard everything that has happened to me in these days.. you knew who i liked before brandon, you were there when i liked brandon, and you were also there when i loved brandon. he is my world. I guess at the begining I never really believed that he liked me. now i know he does. he has demostrated it in to most wonderfullest way possible. i absolutely love him now and for ever.

&heart;Maria

304 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 51

51 entries? I cant believe I have gone that far. Im so proud of myself. Well why? Because i've been writing. I mean writing helps me a lot. and Im sure it helps a lot of you guys too. Yet, I think its incredible. Just writing words. People that read them, well most of them, cant comprehend the idea your trying to describe or tell them. And if you do then you can actually read and comprehend its a great ability. just like the anility to sit and listen to your friends. if you find youself smiling you know what im talking about. well im going to go...

&heart;Maria

295 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 49
Listening to: Note To Self-FFTL

now that i read back through my last entry im proud of it. it says soooo much. and i cant believe i had the ability to write it down. I mean all of that was just thoughts that occured to me when i got mad. Thoughts that were mixed but then all of a sudden those thoughts became words and by the end of it. it was that whole entry. I wonder if i could do that again. Well i have to go finish my speech. see you guys!

&heart;Maria

296 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 48

I know I have said this a lot. I have figured out the meaning of true friends. Though I may not have a lot and be a true friend to a lot. I am one person in this world that knows the difference between true friends, best friends, and friends. Not saying that I am the only one that knows this difference but I think from my observations in this humanity I have come to understand the difference. When I moved I knew I had a lot of friends. I thought of the friends that would last a life time. This was not true, about 99% of my friends in florida forgot about me. I didnt know that this was going to happen, but it did break my heart. People that knew me from head to toe, didn't care. Half of them never spoke to me again. I knew it was going to happen, I just didnt know it would happen so fast. Later I started school and found friends. Not many but they were good enough. I started acting like a fake. Not fun, because it sucked. I've been acting fake for the past couple of months, but not anymore. I am a philosophy freak, a person that loves to help, some one that can make anyone laugh, a person that has the ability to get a good grades, a person that is capable to use "big" words and still know what they mean. I am Maria Margarita Portilla. I am not Remy or Jessica. Those people were confused and decided to be someone else to make the pain fade away. I am not a person that likes to be judged, and i do not judge others. I can be the best person you know and I can also be someone you hate. I am me and no one will stop me from being me. I am some one that looks foward to the future and I am some one that loves knowing that she is going to be some one when she grows up. I will be what ever I want to be when I grow up and I care about my education. I love to write and I love to sing. And if you ask me if I sing or write good, I would tell you "I do my best at both of them." I am a person that doesnt need any one to be me, but I do need people to show me I'm wrong. I have only one true friend, because has stood beside me when I was stupid and when I was drunk on the world. She is Rebecca Hand. She showed me a lot and I love her to death for it. I did not write this to get pity, because pity is something i hate. I did not write this to get condolence for my past, but because I wanted the world to know me and the difference from true friend, best friend, or friend. I am the different because If your in my life, I will be your true friend. I will stand beside you, if not with my body but with my mind. My mind the most powerful weapon I have. My mind and my heart combine can make my life easy and pain-free, but a life that is easy is fake.

&heart;Maria

320 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 47

im good now... like with brandon and everything... but now im SICK! argh! i hate being sick... it sux!!

 

&heart;Maria

 

310 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 46

I am the most stupiest girl ever!! I mean c'mon... how stupid can you get?! argh. here let me explain it. Mrs. ganley caught me and brandon hugging. I was scared as anything (Maleeha says that a lot. :] ) she almost gave us referrals it was not fun. So she has been scaring me all day. It kinda sucked. So we were walking to 5th period.... and i see brandon. I wanted to go say hi, but he was next to mrs. ganleys class. I freak out and run to 5th period. I see him after 5th period and i get freaked out cuz i see mrs. ganley. argh!. then after 6th we were walking (with brandon) and i freak once i see mrs. ganley. it sucked soooo much... and he doesnt know thins. so i called him last night like around 7:45. he didnt answer (jordan did) and i was like umm... can you tell brandon to call me? he said yeah. So ii was waiting on the phone to ring for hours.. i felt sooo stupid. he never called. So then i went online to find an e-mail from my friend tessa. It said "why are you going to break up with brandon. or better yet why is he going to break up with you?" this kinda blew it so i went outside and started talking to my friend nick.awesome dude.. i told what i should do, and he is a really lay back and watch kinda guy so he said. "go with the flow and tell him" that helped.. or it would of if i had the chance to talk to brandon. anyways... i started telling nick that i was sooo scared because i have put so much hope, effort, soo much of me. that if it were to fall apart my world would shatter... so i told him that and went home. before i went to sleep i started crying. uncontrollably... it was awful. but i kept asking myself a few question. "I knew how much it was going to hurt. why didnt i just quit? why didnt i just stop it before it got too far?"

im so screwed.

&heart;Maria

326 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 45
Listening to: Hidden In Plain View- Garden Statement

Im sooo bored! I just saw BB. AW! i love him to death and beyond! lol... well yeah i gotta go.... see ya!

&heart;Maria

357 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 44
Listening to: Inamere-Gone For Good

Did I ever tell you guys what happened saturday?

I was at the couch... bored out of my mind... when brandons car pull up... i was jumping up and down.. SO HAPPY. I ran down to meet him. I was going to say hi to his mother but she left.

Brandon-Hi

Me-Hi to you too

Brandon-My mom said thanks for the message.

(id left a message earlier saying happy ealry mothers to his mom)

Me-Oh Welcome.

We went inside the house. He kinda explored my room and everything else. I then asked my mother to go out side. She said yes.

Me-To Outside. lol

Brandon-Ok

We were walking side by side. Not saying anything beacuse we didnt want to ruin the momment. Storm came with us. Accompanied by his friend Scott. We went to the woods, my brother, storm, and scott were trailing behind me and brandon. they started yelling a lot of stuff out like "dont go to far, because if i cant see you that means your going to do something bad" and stuff like that. So we left them and went the short way to this little bonfire thing.We were talking a long the way. I just cant remember what because i was freaking out. Well we got there... and the peeps were already there. Being stupid.. so we ran off.... And then we made out (1)... it was awesome. Then we got out of the woods and went to the bench... he sat there and i was there beside him... cuddling. WE were playing with our hands... anyways then my brother got me mad to i ran to the mail box... he joined me later. Then we made out (2) again and ran off in different directions... we found eachother again... then went walking... around the neighborhood... we had to go home... but we went the long way... then when we hit the intersection we made out (3).... we got home and we were by the stairs. we made out (4) and my brother saw us. lol... then we went to the woods again and went home. We were sitting on the couch and cuddling like .... a lot... lol.. and then he had to go... We made out (5). It was soooo awesome... so yeah i had a good weekend... lol

&heart;Maria

303 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 43
Listening to: Blink 182-Feeling This

Bored.. and i've got a big huge head ache

272 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 42

wow... i miss talking to my friend on the fone... her parents really dislike me because they think i influenced her to do all the stuff she does... thats not fair... i try to keep her out of trouble... and help her out if there is any...and im the 1st person she comes to when she cries/.... i really dont thinkl its fair...

263 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 41

Im happy... though my finger is messed up big time..... um...... i stayed up till 11:25 talking to beddy boo... i almost fell asleep on him!!!!! lol.... its our 1 month the 15th.... sooo happy...

292 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 40
Listening to: Inamere-Selfishness

Hmm... Im bored... i woke up at 5:00.... am.... doesnt that suk? lol.. well im happy today... cuz the is getting closer!!!!!! YAY! i cant wait till its a month... its been going to for a little time... or at least it seems that way... DUDE... i am sooo making out today... i dont care wat the teachers say.... i really dont......what if i suprise him... lol... i can see it now... lol... well can u guys help me... like give me advice... it would be really appreciated...

286 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 39

Here cryin away the pain

Its a think I cant obtain

I would to tell you that there

Isnt anything out there

I love you, but I am wounded

Im here, cant you see the wounded

I would tell you I love you

I would tell you I adore you

I still do

I still do

I still do

I still do.

_________________

I love Brandon.... hes like sooo awesome..... well.... what isnt there to love about him...

290 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 38

Boredom....

that is all i have to say.... well do u guys like the background?! thats my b/f.... i was bored sooo i put him in the background... yay!! lol.. well.... what can i talk about? we did testing today.... it kinda sucked... but oh well.... soooo.... hmmmm... lets think here... ouch... it hurts to think... oh well.... hmmmm... what are u guys doing? me nothing just trying to get through the last period of the day... how cool is that?! lol... well im gunna go... see ya!

300 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 37

Well I've been crying for days... and i cant take it anymore... its not fair that i have to go through all this shit.... i dont want to be me anymore... yeah there are a lot of good things that have happened to me.... like brandon and my friends... but my family is braking apart... and then school... and i dont know... im sick of it... im to the point where if soemthing else happens im going to explode.... and i only one support system now... thats brandon... if something goes wrong with him and me... im going to.... i dont know... i just know its not going to be good...

299 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 36

 

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

 

 

 

 

Extroversion:

You have high extroversion.

You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.

You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.

Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.

You're generally good at balancing work and play.

When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.

But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.

You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.

Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.

You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.

You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.

Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.

Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.

In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.

You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.

A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

 

 

The Five Factor Personality Test

 

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Dear Kitty 35

more quizzes

 

You Are 15 Years Old

 

 

 

 

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

 

 

What Age Do You Act?

 

 

You Are Super Spicy

 

 

 

 

You're a little bit crazy, a little bit naughty, and a whole lot of sexy.

You go beyond hot - you set people's senses on fire!

 

 

Are You Hot?

 

 

Your 2005 Song Is

 

 

 

 

Beverly Hills by Weezer

"My automobile is a piece of crap

My fashion sense is a little whack

And my friends are just as screwy as me"

You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!

 

 

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

 

 

You Have a Choleric Temperament

 

 

 

 

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.

Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.

You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.

Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.

You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.

Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.

A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

 

 

What Temperment Are You?

 

 

You Are 46% Addicted to Love

 

 

 

 

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love.

You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it?

Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships.

Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself!

 

 

Are You Addicted to Love?

 

 

Your Dating Purity Score: 58%

 

 

 

 

You are an average dater.

You're experienced enough to be a great girlfriend or boyfriend...

Though you still may be figuring out exactly what you want in love!

 

 

Dating Purity Test

 

 

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Dear Kitty 34

Im bored so I decided o do these quizzes

You Are an Emo Rocker!

Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing.

That doesn't mean you don't rock out...

You just rock out with meaning.

For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Your Stripper Song Is

She Wants to Move by N.E.R.D.

"Her off beat dance makes me fantasize

(Her curves) She's sexy!!"

You are 100% sex appeal. As simple as that.

What Song Should You Strip To?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational.

You are also giving and kind - a great friend.

You are easy going and trusting.

However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Your Mood Ring is Blue

Relaxed

At ease

Calm

Lovable

Mood Ring Generator

You Are a Mango Margarita

Complex and sophisticated, you're the type most likely to order a round of twelve dollar designer margaritas.

You also entertain with flair, and you've whipped up a few original signature drinks in your time!

What Flavor Margarita Are You?

You Are Chunky Monkey Ice Cream

Truthfully, you're too spazzy to be chunky - you cheeky monkey!

What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

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Beddy Boo Story 1
Listening to: Too Sorry For Apologies- The moon doesn't make romance

He just kissed me... aint that cute? lol... well look at these lyrics

______________________

The moon doesn't make romance

Verse 1

I've been dreaming something big

taking place right here tonight

I'm the ground and you're the water

you bring me back to life

I've been losing touch with all

I've ever held on to

but I don't think that it matters

I'm holding on to you

Chorus

Everywhere I wanna go

I wanna go there with you

You take the rain away, but God I love the sun

Verse 2

I've been dreaming something big

taking place right here tonight

I'm the air and you're the sunrise

giving color to my life

I've been losing touch with all

I've ever held on to

but I don't think that it matters

I'm holding on to you

______________________

I like them.... The band is awesome... it reminds me of Beddy Boo.... umm... yeah.... well... i didnt see him for 2 days (other than 2day) but its all good... I love him... very much.

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Dear Kitty 33

How to say I Love You in 100 Languages

English - I love you

Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief

Albanian - Te dua

Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)

Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)

Armenian - Yes kez sirumen

Bambara - M'bi fe

Bengali - Ami tomake bhalobashi (pronounced: Amee toe-ma-kee bhalo-bashee)

Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu

Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo

Bulgarian - Obicham te

Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah

Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a

Catalan - T'estimo

Cherokee - Tsi ge yu i (Thanks Nancy!)

Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse

Chichewa - Ndimakukonda

Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)

Creol - Mi aime jou

Croatian - Volim te

Czech - Miluji te

Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig

Dutch - Ik hou van jou

Elvish - Amin mela lle (from The Lord of The Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien)

Esperanto - Mi amas vin

Estonian - Ma armastan sind

Ethiopian - Afgreki'

Faroese - Eg elski teg

Farsi - Doset daram

Filipino - Mahal kita

Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua

French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore

Frisian - Ik hāld fan dy

Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort

Georgian - Mikvarhar

German - Ich liebe dich

Greek - S'agapo

Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo

Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw

Hawaiian - Aloha Au Ia`oe

Hebrew (Thanks Lilach)

Hebrew to male: "ani ohev otcha" (said by male) "Ohevet ot'cha" (said by female)

Hebrew to female: "ani ohev otach" (said by male) "ohevet Otach" (said by female)

Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw

Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae

Hmong - Kuv hlub koj

Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta

Hungarian - Szeretlek(Thanks Dóra!)

Icelandic - Eg elska tig

Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw

Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu

Inuit - Negligevapse

Irish - Taim i' ngra leat

Italian - Ti amo

Japanese - Aishiteru

Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene

Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka

Kiswahili - Nakupenda

Konkani - Tu magel moga cho

Korean - Sarang Heyo

Latin - Te amo

Latvian - Es tevi miilu

Lebanese - Bahibak

Lithuanian - Tave myliu

Luxembourgeois - Ech hun dech gäer

Macedonian - Te Sakam

Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu

Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu

Maltese - Inhobbok

Mandarin Chinese - Wo ai ni

Marathi - Me tula prem karto

Mohawk - Kanbhik

Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik

Nahuatl - Ni mits neki

Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni

Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg

Pandacan - Syota na kita!!

Pangasinan - Inaru Taka

Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo

Persian - Doo-set daaram

Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay

Polish - Kocham Ciebie

Portuguese - Eu te amo

Romanian - Te iubesc

Russian - Ya tebya liubliu

Scot Gaelic - Tha gradh agam ort

Serbian - Volim te

Setswana - Ke a go rata

Sign Language - ,,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You')

Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan

Sioux - Techihhila

Slovak - Lu`bim ta

Slovenian - Ljubim te

Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo

Swahili - Ninapenda wewe

Swedish - Jag alskar dig

Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di

Surinam - Mi lobi joe

Tagalog - Mahal kita

Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li

Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe

Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen

Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu

Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)

Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)

Turkish - Seni Seviyorum

Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu

Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo

Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female)

Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male)

Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu di

Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh

Yoruba - Mo ni fe

337 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
IMPORTANT!

I got a great Idea... well When yall see "Dear Kitty __" That means its an update on me... see if im mad or something.... if you "Beddy Boo Story" Its a story about brandon did/said/will do.... basically an update about him

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Dear Kitty 32
Listening to: Nature Living

Boredom has struck oh well.... guess what?! We just kissed.... I know its getting old but it makes me happy every time we do it... yes I know half of you are going... AAAAWWW.... its sweet isn’t it? lol... well I'm really happy because I love him.... and yeah.... well I just wanted to tell you guys a story.... me and Beddy boo were talking yesterday... or the day before about the future....

___________________

Maria: What do you want to future to be like?

Beddy boo: Well I can just see one thing in my future....

Maria: what is that???...

Beddy Boo: I just can see you and me together... I don’t know where we are going to go; I just know that it’s me and u....

___________________

AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!! Isn’t that sweet? I thought it was.... lol....ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo….I had a question for him.... it was kind of a weird question but w/e....

___________________

Maria: If you had one more day to live and you could do anything you wanted... what would you do?.....

Beddu Boo: I would do a lot of crazy stunts....

Maria:oh... (disappointed and everything...)

Beddy Boo: no wait I’m not done....

Maria: ok... what else would you want to do?

Beddy Boo: it’s not what I would do... its who I would be with...

Maria: who is this? (worried that he’s thinking of some one else)

Beddy Boo: It’s that person.

Maria: Who’s that person?

Beddy Boo: That one.

Maria: Is it Jordan?! Lol

Beddy Boo: No it’s the Penguin (Secretly me)

Maria: YES! Lol

Beddy Boo: So what you be your future?

Maria: I would spend every single second with you.

___________________

AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!! I know… lol… well I think I’ve written enough today… well talk to yall later.

308 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 32
Listening to: Taking Back Sunday

OMG! i GOT MY LAPTOP BACK!! yay!! im soooo frigging happy.... im on it right now.... but yay!! me so happy.... other than the fact i havent see brandon for 2 days... waaaahh.... oh well.... i wonder if he can come this weekend hopefully.... i gotta go... see ya!!

281 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 31

beddy boo isnt here..... waahh.. lol jk jk jk. he said i love u 8 and i sail i love u 47.... lol... it was really funny.... he he he

274 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 30
Listening to: Hawthorne Heights- Niki FM

HE SAID YEAH TO THE QUESTIONS!!!!! omg omg omg.... isnt that kool? he does love me... and yes! i am sooo happy.... yay!! so how are yall? im bored... in class... EEEKK!!! lol... now this stupid dude next to me is trying to read this.... lol... hello blake. im also trying to poke him.... but he wont let me!!! lol... HE IS SUCh A SICKO!!!! he thought it said "poke his butt." isnt he an idiot... lol... jk jk jk... ok im gunna go.... see yall

301 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 29
Listening to: Bayside

OMG OMG OMG! I still think im an idiot.... but but... he kissed me... after he read the note... sounds like i have a really good chance... aint that kool?! lol... well.... i forgot... that yesterday... b4 my stupid act.... he gave me a kiss.... not on the cheek but on he lips... i was dazed that he accidentally took the note.... dammit... i gotta go

277 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 28
Listening to: Taking Back Sunday

I am on big ass idiot!!!!!! argh! so mad at myself. Well here let me tell you why... i am on hell of an idiot because.... well here let me tell u the story. BB was suppose to call me last night at 5:30.... right... well.... i have lets say about 3 and half hours to think. Let me tell you i didnt think about the joys of life, but about BB. Bad things about BB. Like what if he didnt like love me as much as i love him... what if he wouldnt sacrifice as much as i would. and what if he didnt want to be w/ me as much as i want to be w/ him? these are all very hard questions and they suck. Well anyways... im an idiot because i gave him a note saying all this stupid shit... after... let emphisize. AFTER he gave me a hug... and seemed to like me... what if he dumps me?? i wouldnt be able to take it... oh god.... hopefully he doesnt cuz hopefully he does love me as much as i love him. hopefully he would sacrifice for me as much as i would for him. and hopefully he wants to be with my as much as i want to be w. him....

304 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 27

hhmmm.... what am i going to say today? other than the crap that happened... it was pointless.... but then again what was the crap...... only that the fact that BB told me he would call... dont even think he is.... and then i feel like shit.... not much but enough to bring me down.... argh!

301 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 26

Ok w.e. people are saying he's cheating on me but you know what i say to those people... YOU WISH YOU FUCKING HAD HIM.. so stop saying that stuff because he doesnt like you.... he loves.... let me emphasize....LOVES me!!! ok.... sorry just had to get that out.... sooo yeah.... he just gave me a hug and said i love u!!! AAWWWW i think that that was awesome.... he is like sooo kool... i love him for ever and always..... well... how are all of you guys? oh yeah i forgot to mention... my brother got introuble with my mom and she left 2days ago... and she got mad at ME for not calling her. SHE LEFT ME. I. SHOULDN'T. BE. THE. ONE. TO. CALL!!! argh oh well.... well i think i've described my feelings... other than 2 other things but what ever.... well im going to go.. see ya!

Beddy Boo Loveeeerr

302 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 25
Listening to: Thrice- The Artist In The Ambulance

All i have to say is that im nervous.... but w/e.... how are you guys doing? im bored and just finished an assignment. Omg... i love beddy boo.... but something is going on. oh well i will end up knowing what it was. oh well... what should i say right now? who knows... i'll update later... buh bye

309 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 24
Listening to: Thrice- The Artist In The Ambulance

OMG! I love that song!!! Its sooo frigging kool... ok.. w/e... Im

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooo friggin happy because beddy boo gets to go home with me on Friday!!!! YAYAY!so happy lol... and nervous but what ever. Oh well i've been singing all day... cant stop. cuz its soo kool.

309 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 24
Listening to: Thrice

THRICE LYRICS

"The Artist In The Ambulance"

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal

Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel

My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up

And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white

They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and I am gone

Now I lay here owing my life to a stranger

And I realize that empty words are not enough

I'm left here with the question of just

What have I to show except the promises I never kept?

I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

[Chorus:]

I hope that I will never let you down

I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares

It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's

A difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have

There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it and

[Chorus]

Rhetoric can't raise the dead

I'm sick of always talking when there's no change

Rhetoric can't raise the dead

I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal

Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel

My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the

Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands

They've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance

[Chorus]

Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound

Thats a really good song. Trust me!

292 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 23
Listening to: Thrice- Stare At the Sun

OMG! SO HAPPY!!! ok i had to go to beddy boo's class... which by the way he is my boyfriend.... anyways.... everytime i looked at him i laughed... or smiled... im sooo happy... i friggin love him!!!!!

330 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 22

Hey Its my birthday!!!! Im soo happy! YAY! Anyways, im turning a year older... isnt that kool?! YES!! Oh well... I TALKED TO BEDDY BOO!!!! For like 74 minutes and 14 seconds.... I am soooo bored! and friggin happy!! YAY!!!

361 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 21
Listening to: About Last Night

Well currently Im ok. Im great and yeah. Yesturday we got our report cards and I got 2 87's and 4 A's (including a 100) and since i got that 100 my teracher decided to give me something. IT WAS STUFF FROM WARPED TOUR 04!!! I was like. OMFG!!! Your not serios... and in my mind i was like... Oh yeah... i fucking rock over and over and over again. Its awesome... and i bet you my brother is going to go to me and just be mad... YAY! oh well... im supposed to be doing something in class but i really dont feel like doing it so im going to do it at home... oh and beddy boo is awesome and i think i love him... but w/e... anyways i gotta go... see ya!

306 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 20
Listening to: I Miss You

I feel weird. Why I dont know. Only for the fact that I feel like one of my friends is dying or near dying. I feel like shit. Please HELP ME!

288 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 19

OMG OMG OMG!!! I'm SO happy!!!!!! lol...

Think happy thoughts... Think happy thoughts... Think happy thoughts... Think happy thoughts... Think happy thoughts... Think happy thoughts... Think happy thoughts... Think happy thoughts...

lol...

285 hit(s) (4 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 18

i dont know what to say... but i feel down

304 hit(s) (5 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 17

Sadness has gripped me and is not letting go

Just to think of him makes me look like a

Everything has gone wrong

I dont think im strong

I feel like there is no tomorrow

I want to stop this sorrow

All i want to do now if forget

Its just one thing i know im going to regret

Im going to start dying slowly

Why does life treat me so coldly

When i talk to him i stutter

I feel like im in the clutter

Oh jeebus... i just made that out of nothing... thats kool... but thats the way i feel... why... cuz i want to forget him.... go on like i never knew him... but now that hes a part of this life.... it hurts to let him go. why... hmm... i guess its my own fault. i made myself dependable on him. I know that I was wrong and now its a wrong i have to live with. but look at the brightside... he's still here? oh well.. w/e..im not this good at looking at the brightside... sorry... welll i have to go... cuz... yeah i just do. bye!

Loving him is a sin. A sin I'm willing to die for!

317 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 16
Listening to: blink 182- i miss you

i feel really sad... why i have not a clue.. i guess its cuz i really really really really really like this dude... its awful... maybe i should stop liking him... just be a friend... or ignore him for a while... i probably will.... I AM! ha... ok i got my answer.. so how are you all? im good... some what... i havent been stupid since yesterday... so thats good... maybe i'll do it again.... its just sooo aargh! oh well... my b-day is soon... which is kool... in a way... oh well.. im gunna go... see ya

Why cant he see me?!

294 hit(s) (3 comments) | Advice?  
dear kitty 15
Listening to: fob- a little less sixteen candles, a little more "touch me"

i am bored... and sad... ok... well there this thing... well... i kinda let of my feelings by harming myself.... and yeah.... i stopped for a while and then something happened and i thought it was all my fault... whoch i guess it was... it was awful... anyways i carved... it felt awesome... and then i did it two more times... sorry yee-ha but i did... :'(... i sicken myself...

314 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 14
Listening to: the used

omg! i poked him... weird i know... but common we had contact... lol... but guess what... he isnt tickleish... but i am... and he poked me back... and i squealed.... awful i know... but yeah... oh and i gave him a note... it was a bunch of questions.... lol.... i bet he feels special.... lol... oh yeah... skylar has to stop hugging me!!! he is soo rough it hurts... argh!! oh well... maybe next week im a car rider... YAY! lol... it was sooooo much fun... come on... he tried taking my sweater... lol... well i gotta go... see ya!!

Falling in love has never met me.

304 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 13
Listening to: bayside- winter

omg... im actually going to be a car rider!! yes!

337 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 12
Listening to: Relient K-Be my Escape
Feeling: achy

Uh... yeah i kinda feel achy... Its quite weird... i am soo bored... sad but bored... wait dude i seriously gotta get a b.f..... i hate being single. its sooooooooo gay!!! omg... well w.e.

293 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 10
Listening to: None
Feeling: sane

ok ok... i feel sad.. he asked me again... since he didnt call or anything... im still freaking out cuz he was going to hold be hostage till i told him... ARGH!! lol... then skylar says... yeah what do u need to tell him... argh

isnt he awful? lol... i gotta go...

 

 

ok ok... u wanna know what happened?

well here it is

tessa got kinda mad at me because i was avoiding brandon cuz of her... but w/e

I walked up to skylar and poked him. Well aware that brandon was there.

Brandon:Why were you avoiding me?

(I kind squeeze in between them)

Me:Uhhh

Skylar: Yeah why have you been avioding him?

(I glare at him)

Me: I have my reason.

(skylar wraps him arm around me and i blush. I thought it was brandon, then i turned around to talk to him)

Me: Oh shit where did you come from?

(Brandon laughs)

Brandon: He was there the whole time.

Me: Well I thought it was you not him. (in a whisper) I wish it was you.

Brandon: Why were you avoiding me?

Me: Call me and I'll tell u.

(puzzled look on brandon's face)

Me: you know the one on the note?

Brandon: Oh ok, but why?

Me: call me

(then i ran)

309 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty 11
Listening to: Brighten
Feeling: abnormal

I feel happy and sad. its kinda weird. i mean i have a huge crush on this dude... and he CALLED!!!!!!!!! omg... its really cool.... but he doesnt care... not at all... but w/e.

302 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty Part 9
Listening to: None
Feeling: crappy

Ok... i feel like crap... i hace been avoidinf the guy i like because i feel like im an awfulr friend... yeah i know one of my friends likes him 2... and i really feel bad about it. but should he pay the price for my feelings and my choices? i think not! i told him i've been avoiding him... and i feel awful about it... i said sorry... and then he goes.. why were u? and then i said because i have my reasons... here is the basic convorsation

Me: Brandon... wait

(Brandon waits for me.)

Me: Sorry I've been ignoring you all day.

Brandon: You were?

Me: Yeah. I was avoiding you.

Brandon: Ok, why were you avoinding me?

(I get unconfortable and start walking off)

Me: I have my reasons

Brandon: Yeah, but what are they.

Me: You'll know soon enough.

I turn to him and look at him. He looks puzzled at my behavior and just stands there while people are getting mad at him for standing in their way. It pained me soooooo much... I swear i have never ever ever ever felt that in my life. I give him a quick fake and horrendous smile and turn to leave.

When i got to class i had to tell yee-ha about it...cuz i didnt want to leave him there in doubt... I then rush out of my classroom and go to maleeha. Hoping to god that i would find her. When I got there, i see maleeha and hug her... well bump into her slash hug.... lol... i tell her somethings and leave out others... ARGH! people help me in this situation... im really really really sad about all of this... but w.e

381 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty Part 8
Listening to: Bighten- Better Way

To be me I have to lose a lot of things. Things in which i have to live with or else im gone. For this i have to be stronger than ever to fight for what i believe in. I believe that I am ME. The is no one like me, and I want to be remembered. I dont want to be a lost memory to the ones I have loved or love. This states that I am ME and no one else will accomplish what I am about to do. I am a true friend that gives her freedom for others happiness, I am some one that will give everything hse has for some one that has nothing, I am some one that will love when no love is returned, I am the one that will go where no one she knows has gone. I am ME. That will never change. I am some one that does things for nothing to be returned. I do not look to please myself, but to please others. I am someone that will supress their ability to thik to make people think they are suprerior than I am. I have a mind that no one will have. And i have gone through most people havent in their life time. I know im not unique in trying to be myself, but I am proud to know that I am trying to be above everyone. I am some one that will influence people to do the right thing and will help anyone to do the right thing. This is ME and that will never be forgotten.

-Remy

378 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty Part 7

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."

- Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."

- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better."

- A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is."

- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right."

- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn."

- Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947-)

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."

- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

- Antoine de Saint Exupery

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."

- Jimi Hendrix

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."

- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

298 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty Part 6

Hey people!

Whats up? Im ubber bored and yeah. Wait... i have a question for all of you. I like this dude ryt?.... Uhh... should i

A) Go and ask him out?

B) Go and ask him if he likes me?

C) Make Yee-ha do A or B?

or

D) Just wait and see if he asks me out?

Please help me!!! I really need help.. Im stupid so i wont be able to make this stupid decision.... please?

Love all of you!

X_xJustKissMeOneLastTimex_X

283 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty Part 5
Listening to: SO THEY SAY- A Beautiful Plan
Feeling: blank

Dear Kitty,

ME FEEL WEIRD. Lol!.....IM BORED!!!! lol.... OMG SHINY!!!!! lol

X_xJustKissMeOneLastTimex_X

325 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty Part 4
Listening to: Bayside- Masterpiece

Uhh.... right now I feel weird. Why? Cuz my feelings are all mixed up.... i think i might be crushing on Forrest (spelling) but i dont know. I really dont want to tell him either. ARRGGHHH!! sooo confusing... oh well... i guess i have to go on living... lol.... well... right now im shaking. Dont ask why... cuz i dont even know... lol... well i have to say hi to YEE-HA... lol... Damn i love that girl... as a friend... you guys know what i mean... lol.... well yea.... I love kitty to... but i dont think she has one of these... but i get her one if she doesnt... well i gotta go so something... i have no clue what it is either.... oh well.... see ya!!

X_xJustKissMeOneLastTimex_X

331 hit(s) (4 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty Part 3
Listening to: Leave Me For The Dead
Feeling: high

Dear Kitty,

Whats up??? Dude I had a blast!!!

Saturday- I went to the beach and hung out with Marylin and Megan.... it was sooo kool.... me and Maryling kissed 2... but she is gett very very very very obssessive.

Sunday-I got to my old house in Deerfield beach and right away i saw bekka,claudio and cody. it was awesome. later we hung out and pranked called ppl... then mickey joined us. claudio then picked me up and carried me on his back..... then mickey goes up and smacks my ass.... i mean wtf?? then mickey goes thats not the way you do it.... and then picks me up and some1 else hits my ass.... im still like wtf?? then mickey says he is sorry and gives me a hug... and then picked me up again and then bekka smacks it.... WTF MAN?? lol... then mickey goes... ok now im really srry... dont hit my nads.... later we went to the beach and had a blast.... i'll tell you that story later...

monday-leith called me and we got aquantated.... lol

tuesday.... i got uber busted...

today sux!! i have a 52% in LA and i have to make up a bunch of work... oh well.... i changed my social studies and science class... its ss 6th period and science 5... EEEEKKK!!!!

X_xJustKissMeOneLAstTimex_X

357 hit(s) (6 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty Part 1
Listening to: A Change Of Pace- Loose Lips Sink Ships
Feeling: awful

Dear Kitty,

OMG! I hate this shit. I dont want to go through it again. I know I am an inconpedent little bitch, but no one needs to tell me that. SO DEREK SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! God, even someone screamed at me. Ok. Im sorry I have bad aim. Gosh!!! I didnt mean to hit her. No wait. I didnt hit her. Arrgghh!!!! After that i got in trouble for not doing my homework. Then i had to go to a retarded class to do it. Then when i come back everyone starts saying I was crying in the bathroom. OK. Who takes there stuff to the bathroom????? I dont!! God!!

X_xJustKissMeOneLAstTimex_X

395 hit(s) (2 comments) | Advice?  
Dear Kitty Part 2
Feeling: shocked

Dear Kitty,

OMG!! I hate it now. Its awful. My day yesterday seemed to be ok. but then out of thin air it turned from awesome to the worst day of my life. Lets see.... Uhhh... this kid is calling me a b-i-t-c-h because i called him an ass. I know i was playing around with him and he got pissed.... w/e... uuhh... i didnt mind that really. It was ok. w/e. now i dont know what to do about james. eeekkk... idk... i know i love him but i cant be with him. why?? cuz i have hurt him too much i guess.... eekk.... great i am in my emo mood.... grrr!! i hate it!!

X_xJustKissMeOneLastTimex_X

344 hit(s) (0 comments) | Advice?  
idk
Listening to: matchbook romance- pormise

idk... im in a bad mood cuz of this kid... he is such a retard.... he pisses me off soo much.... god!!! well i gotta go... see ya!!

316 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Me BORED!!!
Listening to: Saying Sorry

Me feel like an ass.... but w/e....

327 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
Listening to: Lacuna Coil

I am bored.... and yeah... thats pretty much it... peeps do u like my layout??? hopefully you do... comment on it please...

www.myspace.com/xo_leave_me_alone_ox

That is my myspace... I add any1... so yeah

326 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
I Ā¢Ā¾ Comments
Listening to: New Medicine
Feeling: blah

I Ā¢Ā¾ Comments.... thats why i want to thank any1 that does comment...

[blasphemy]

[banana64]

Thank you!!!!

Btw... happy late b-day [blasphemy]

I think it was February 6th... im not sure...

335 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  

hey whats up people?

Arrghh, im bored and in math class... well yeah....

Eeekk, im sooooo hungry....

comment please... it feels awesome when people do...

see ya!!

311 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  
New

Heyy I am new to all of this but I do have a myspace.

I am bored and I am about to get out of school... WOO HOO!!!

www.myspace.com/xo_leave_me_alone_ox

I also have a xanga....

www.xanga.com/xo_leave_me_alone_ox

g2g... see ya!!

325 hit(s) (1 comments) | Advice?  


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Dear Kitty 149
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Dear Kitty 144
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Dear Kitty 104
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Dear Kitty 101
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Dear Kitty 99
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Dear Kitty 96
Dear Kitty 95
Dear Kitty 94
Dear Kitty 93
Dear Kitty 92
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Dear Kitty 89
Dear Kitty 88
Dear Kitty 87
Dear Kitty 86
Dear Kitty 85
Dear Kitty 84
Dear Kitty 83
Dear Kitty 81
Dear Kitty 82
Dear Kitty 81
Dear Kitty 80
Dear Kitty 79
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Dear Kitty 77
Dear Kitty 76
Dear Kitty 75
Dear Kitty 74
Dear Kitty 73
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Dear Kitty 71
Dear Kitty 70
Dear Kitty 69
Dear Kitty 68
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Dear Kitty 66
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Dear Kitty 61
Dear Kitty 60
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Dear Kitty 58
Dear Kitty 57
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Dear Kitty 47
Dear Kitty 46
Dear Kitty 45
Dear Kitty 44
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Dear Kitty 42
Dear Kitty 41
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Dear Kitty 39
Dear Kitty 38
Dear Kitty 37
Dear Kitty 36
Dear Kitty 35
Dear Kitty 34
Beddy Boo Story 1
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IMPORTANT!
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Dear Kitty 32
Dear Kitty 31
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Dear Kitty 30
Dear Kitty 28
Dear Kitty 27
Dear Kitty 26
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Dear Kitty 25
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Dear Kitty 20
Dear Kitty 19
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Dear Kitty 17
Dear Kitty 16
dear kitty 15
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Dear Kitty 13
Dear Kitty 12
Dear Kitty 10
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Dear Kitty Part 9
Dear Kitty Part 8
Dear Kitty Part 6
Dear Kitty Part 7
Dear Kitty Part 5
Dear Kitty Part 4
Dear Kitty Part 3
Dear Kitty Part 1
Dear Kitty Part 2
idk
Me BORED!!!
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