So, I know anyone whose read any of these diary posts will know ... I have a boyfriend even though I said in my last post that I never wanted to date ever again. Ha. But I love him! and I'm very happy, though not doing quite so well in school as I'd like. I do have one question though: I gave myself a home-done tattoo 5 years ago when I was young and dumb, and I really want it gone now. I don't want to put a real tattoo over it, I'm through with doing stupid things to my body! Is there any way I can get rid of this? Like ... would I be able to rub the ink out if I cut into the area of skin that's tattooed? Blah, I hate paying for what you did in the past. So dumb. so, so dumb back then.

every time things start to get better, they start to get worse. i loved him so much. it's so strange loving someone for so long, feeling so safe and secure, spending all of your time and energy on them, thinking they'll be there for you forever, and then just two months later they're blocking you on facebook and sending you e-mails saying that they never want to even hear your name again. i never want to be in another relationship again. i'm sorry if this all sounds incredibly dramatic and prepubescent, but i don't know if i can handle another one of these. it's not fair to anyone, and especially not to me. i have so many baggage from all the stupid relationships and disappointing boys i've been with that i don't think i'll be able to trust anyone for a long time.

a couple nights ago i was procrastinating and really, really wanted to find my diary from 8th and 9th grade.... and i could not for the life of me remember this site's name. by the time i remembered the sites name, i couldn't remember my username or password... i tried at least 10 times. when it finally struck me a couple days later i read all the entries and i've made a few conclusions: 1) i was a lot cooler when i was 14 and 15 2) i was a lot funnier and awesomely vulgar for that age. 3) i've inflicted irrevocable damage upon my liver. i used to hate where i was so much. well i finally applied to college and i did apply to all of those crazy places i wanted to go- chicago, new york, los angeles, boston... and i ended up staying here. i love this city. it took me a long time (and a fake ID) to appreciate it, but i do. i've met so many crazy characters and had so many wild nights here. it's been a weird couple years since i've last written. i had a really bad spring break with a horrible scare, finally graduated that god awful private school, quit smoking pot, had a friend die over the summer, and reached some unbelievable highs and lows. i also met someone recently... it makes me uncomfortable how many girls he's been with, but he seems so sweet. i can't figure out if it's genuine or a derived knowledge from the sheer number of girls he's banged. every time i meet someone more fucked up than i am, that's been through more than i have, i fall so hard for them. i don't know why. i'm doomed to love fuck-ups forever! in other news, i've done a lot of self-evaluation since my last boyfriend and i broke up. i'm mature enough to see what i'm doing now (i wasn't when i was dating that asshat sophomore year that i wrote n approaching infinity posts about here) and it's not good. bad traits about myself: 1) i'm really extremely selfish. 2) i'm needy and need to be reassured, and don't really care about people so much as i need them to care about me. half of the caring i do is acting. 3) i'm really insecure. i always need to feel special. i don't know how yet, but i'm going to consciously work on those. i KNOW i didn't used to be like this... and i don't know when it all started.

it's been so long. a lot of things have changed. josh and i broke up the day before school started. for good. it took me a long time to get over him, but now it feels so good to finally be free. That relationship was 100% unhealthy. I've completely caught up on my single life, and all of my wasted summer. I got my license in October and I've just been partying and drinking every weekend. I've been searching for this stray dog freedom since I was 13 and I've finally found it. It's incredible. Three weeks ago I started dating someone new. He's sweet, but there's not the burning obsession and deathly sweet dependancy there was with josh. That's a good thing. Stability is a new concept, but I'm doing my best to adjust.

Goodness. I haven't written in this for a while, have I? My boyfriend of 7 months and I broke up, but we got back together within a few weeks. I figure, if that was the right choice, it wouldn't have been so damn painful. I don't like imagining him being with other girls after he's been my first everything. It's hard giving up that much of yourself to someone and just to watch the significance deprecate over time. Maybe I am just jealous. I don't know, but I'm not as happy as I thought I would be. I just don't think this is exactly what I want, but on the other hand, I don't know what is. Ahh! In other news, the guy I used to get my alcohol from is dead. He was robbed, shot, and killed.

have you ever been in a really fast and dramatic relationship where you think you love him, and he thinks he loves you, but you're both just living lies? and then when you realize that you were never in love, only thought you were, you crash. majorly i ALWAYS think that's whats going on except then i wonder if he really does love me, and i really do love him, and im just in denial because i don't want to get hurt because my life has been full of shitty relationships and parents setting shitty examples of what relationships should be like and i want to give a big FUCK YOU! to all my insecurities, my jealousy, my distrust, all the exes that fucked me over, my lack of ignorance, for never allowing me to just be some naive contented girl with a naive contented boyfriend and finally a big FUCK YOU to myself. fuck you for fucking over everything good that's ever come to you, you with all your paranoia and misanthropy and selfhate, where has it gotten you? are you happy now?

For the past few weeks, I've been making a conscious effort to stay away from drugs and people who are bad for me. It's good, but difficult and kind of lonely. It's really a sad moment when you realize that the people you loved most are now actually the ones driving you completely fucking insane. Anyways. So a few weeks ago, a couple of my friends got expelled for snorting coke at school. It was such a bad week. You'd think that this would knock some fucking sense into the heads of their dumb drug obsessed fuckhead friends; but no, they all continue to be total dumb shits. Yay. I've also noticed how much of an unnaturally jealous and possesive person I am. I saw a comment my boyfriend left on some girl's picture a few weeks before we started dating and he said she was beautiful. I was so pissed off. I don't know why, because I've obviously done shit like that before, but I have such a fucking inferiority complex that I just could not take the thought that he'd called some other chick beautiful. I'm so jealous. I've just realized it now. When I am with someone, I need to be their entire fucking world. God damn Vanities! I try so fucking hard to be 100% perfect: drop dead gorgeous, always lusting after that stupid to-die for body. I've wished that I could make every girl pale in comparison next to me. It drives me absolutely crazy. I think that's how the anorexia started. I went down to 88 pounds this summer. I was a disgusting, half-starved, tragic beauty. I think the song "Anorexic Beauty" by Pulp pretty much sums up those months: The girl of my nightmares Anorexic beauty Featherweight perfection Anorexic beauty Underweight Goddess So appealing in the worst of ways. God, I sound like such a fucking psychopath. God damn. I really think I'm totally off my rocker sometimes. Fuck!

Josh is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. For once in my life, I might actually be happy. I'm off drugs, I'm not hurting myself, and I'm in love. I don't know what else I could want. On Saturday, he came over and we were lying down on the couch in my basement and he fell asleep with his head rested on my chest. And as I was stroking his hair and watching him sleep, I realized that I never want anything to happen to him, and that I will be there to take care of him as long as he'll let me.

I love my dealer. I love free cigarettes. I love my amazing friends. I love the guy I'm going out with. I love staying out until 5:30 in the morning. And above all, I fucking. adore. ecstacy.

I got really drunk at my friends house last night even though I didn't have that much to drink. So anyways, we were all kind of messed up but we decided to walk downtown to get some food even though it was pretty late too. I don't know how but we ran into a couple kids in a parking lot, and one of the guys in our group knew one of them so we stopped to let them catch up for a while And all this time the other guy we met in the parking lot is basically helping me stand up And that leads to us cuddling and him kissing me So we decide to bring him back with us And we ended up hooking up And the next morning My bitch of a friend just has to say ************: p.s. you can get alll kindsa shit from guys off the street ************: like mono and herpes ************: but he was hot That shouldn't amuse me, but it does. what a bitch.

oh wow. I've concluded that after this weekend I need to take a big break from smoking Because I seriously think all the chemicals are uh making me stupid.

This week has been full of... getting closer to my friends which is always good skipping school which is good too much smoking which shouldn't be good but is and one minor let down by a boy which was not so good

My so-called friends have been going through such amazing lengths to exclude me from everything lately. "He doens't have enough room in his car." Yeah, just go fuck yourself.

I like this boy And he is so amazing.

Sorry for the title, I couldn't think of anything less generic that would give off the same effect. Jesus christ, why is everyone dying lately? Aside from that, my friend's mom has cancer and she expects to lose her hair soon. My friend has known for months and she hasn't told anyone. She doesn't even know that I know, which makes everything so awkward. I wish I could help her and I wish that she would let me. I don't like my boyfriend. I can't help it. That's the honest truth- I don't have any feelings for him and I don't know what to do about it, because I have a feeling that he needs someone, anyone really, and I would feel like shit just abandoning him. I guess what it mainly is, is that I don't like sacrificing my freedom. I don't like not being able to go out and just hook up with whoever I want and not feel guilty about it. Good fuck, I've only been going out with this guy for 2 weeks and I feel tied down already! Maybe it's just me. No, it's definetely me. My friend's ex-boyfriend has the house to himself this weekend, so I think we're going to hang out with some of his friends this Saturday. If that happens, we'll probably end up sleeping over. And if that all happens, well, we'll probably be stoned. And if that happens, well, God. I don't even know. You scored as Posion. Your death will be by poison, probably because you are a glutton and are around so many people that it would be easy to get away with it. Several important people in history share your fate.Posion73%Disease73%Suicide67%Stabbed67%Bomb60%Disappear60%Suffocated53%Eaten53%Cut Throat47%Accident47%Gunshot33%Natural Causes20%Drowning7%How Will You Die??created with QuizFarm.com What the fuck? You scored as Goth. Your A Goth!Goth50%Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev35%Rocker, Mosher35%Emo30%Prepy30%Skater15%Trendy10%What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy E.c.tcreated with QuizFarm.com even more what the fuck

Last night was craaaazy. I ended up getting really high with a couple other people in this guy's car in the parking lot of a hookah bar, and between the 4 of us we smoked so much the entire car was hazy by the time we were done. I was sooooooo blazed; I don't even know how else to put it. It was really weird though, it only felt good for about half an hour until I got so fucking disoriented I could barely talk or sit up, and when we walked back to the bar I just lied down on a seat in another booth and waited for everything to be over. I've never had a bad high before; I was so fucking depressed and confused my friend actually had to carry me out to his car when we were finally leaving. It was pretty late by now so we were speeding on a highway when he swerved over and started throwing up in the middle of the road. Jesus christ, and I had no idea what was going on, I thought we got stopped by a cop or that he was drunk or something. It was horrible, everyone had way too much to smoke that night and everyone was stressed out trying to make curfew and this girl started crying and I felt like shit because my friend had to take care of me the whole time and he obviously wasn't feeling great himself. I feel so horrible. It really scared me and made me wonder if I'm like, mentally addicted to marijuana or something. I don't know. But wow, I suck, I pretty much ruined everyones night.

INSOMNIUM a naked angel lies abandoned in the veil of dusk where lengthy shadows lurk like strangers all that something as large as the sun can really offer stripped of comfort and plucked from security encaged by foreign grey spaces unknown and unseen before it dawns on him that he is chosen to experience it alone. He has been denied everything But betrayal. He feels regret when he should only know anger. he doesn't understand why he must suffer and bear the punishment meant for mankind A one man's sacrifice to repent for all existance. His wings ripped off for something greater than he could ever hope to grasp he is truly, utterly, alone.

Reasons why this was my shittiest summer, ever. - My mom's dad died. I had to watch my mom fall apart. - They're taking my dog to a shelter tomorrow morning. I'm never going to see her again; I can barely wrap my head around that fact. - My 'friend' is an idiot who saves her IM conversations, and her mom is a nosy bitch who takes the time to read them all. So yay, I get to expect a call from her mom to my parents today about all the drugs. - School starts tomorrow. - The only boy I hooked up with, or even liked this summer, moved, literally across the continent. - Smoking became a crutch. It used to be a social thing for me. - Oh yeah, did I mention I went down to 88 pounds? - And then I put all that weight back on, which was actually more upsetting. - My mom found my cigarettes. - I'm starting counseling. - And did I mention they're taking my best friend to a shelter tomorrow morning? - Realized my ex is, and always will be, a possessive controlling psychopath. He IMed another one of my guy friends and accused him of trying to get into my pants. Thanks, John. Like I really needed any help in killing my social life. : ) : ) FUCK YOU GOD, WHOEVER THE HELL IS OUT THERE. I think I'm going to go OCD and clean my room some more. For now, it's the only way I know how to bring any sort of order to all the chaos in my life.

life isn't fair. but I wish it would be unfair in my favor.

i'm still stressed out over NOTHING. i just feel restless all the time- like there's something i should be doing, but i don't know what. my mind won't shut up and it's keeping me up at night. I slept 2 hours this MORNING- from 8 AM to 10. I put some of the weight back on. I'm around 95 now. I'm not sure if I lost that weight because I was trying to or because I was stressed out, or a combination of the two. I don't know. I don't know. I felt very secure at 88 pounds. It's an odd feeling. Like no matter what happens, it will all be ok as long as I'm 88 pounds. I sound insane, but I want to be there again. I go back to school on the 23rd. I have less than 10 days. I'm so nervous. I wish people would just get off my case and let me do this, and let me be happy. It will make me happy. Isn't that enough? I got a shitty schedule. I have pre-calc last- that class is going to be utter hell. I'll be counting minutes and exhausted. Volleyball tryouts in a couple days. Ahhhhh