Sorry

Sorry everyone for not updateing in here. After Sit crashed forever I decided I wasnt going to use it anymore. I have switched to a different blog... which shall remain undisclosed... (sorry everybody) if you want it I'll give it to you, I just dont want people I dont know reading it... so you can send me an e-mail or something, that would be super. [Re-posted, spam was slaughtering my comment box sorry morgan, your comment is gone]
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Alone

I spoke of people not wanting to be around me. I could feel the tension when I saw two of my old friends today. "At least I belive." A slap to the face, I wish I was away from here already. These people hate me, My company is like poisen to them I am as a plague. Some say they like me and they want to be around me, but it doesnt seem like it, it seems like I am their next project, next conversion, next hopless cause. Well I was one of those people once. They are good, but I understand too much about it to have that good feeling that comes from being the victem. I just want to be left alone, I want to be hated, I want to go to that hell that everyone already belives I am Damned to. Some have said that I have touched their lives lives in a positive way, therefore the fact that I have gone the opposite way that they have belived because of me hurts them. I didnt mean any of it, I didnt mean to try to control your life in any such matter, you make your own choices not me, so why not let me make mine? If you want to know what I am thinking right now listen to the song "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's. I'm gunna cry. It makes me sad, and happy, it makes me alive just like she does. I dont know why I seem so angry, I'm not angry, I love everyone, I really do, I love you all, no exceptions, even those that make me feel the worst inside, I love you. Promise.
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Answer

Well my question was answered by a cold conversation and heart wrenching music. My life seems more clear now. Sometimes I feel like a fake, as if I am not really who I am. Or maybe people dont see me for who I actually am. Or even perhaps I am trying to be someone I am not. Which one of me is the real one. Is it the happy one, or the sad one. Through the day I can keep a smile painted on my face, I can play along and please the crowd. When my dark room finally meets my night and my eyes recount sullen images in the silent dark. No tears run, just pain, not a physical pain but an egging within me like a drop of blood at a time slowely escapes my heart seeping through a pin hole. I belive the happy me is the real one. The hurt only approches when i want it, when i want to feel pain, I want to feel the guilt of hurting those around me. I hurt them, they hate me, they all seem to drift away from me. None of the want to be around me anymore, they put forth the effort to be with me, but in their eyes they dredge my company like a bird frantically throwing the ugly song in the air. They dont want me anymore. I am not what they want for a friend anymore. Perhaps that is why I hurt, I feel guilty because I know it is my fault. I know I was the one that hurt them, that pushed them away through my selfish choice. So it all pricks my mind and each prick seems to hurt worse those needles press into me like a blade sliding accross skin. That could be why I want to go. I dont want them to have to worry about me any longer. They dont have to worry about my godlessness any longer. They dont have to worry about my fake smiles any longer. They dont have to worry about my speachless looks that tell a story of self-loathing. I watch the time go by every night, each minute passes and it seems as an eternity but looking back it was not even a moment. And each night these minutes grow longer and my eyes close less and less. My dreams frighten me. I dream that I have killed, if I killed I would die. If I was responsible for a death. I would die. If anyone tried to stop me from dieing then they would want me to suffer, because living through the pain of guilt, the image of this persons cold lifless face, and the despair of knowing what I had done. This person who forced me to live would be putting me through hell itself. If I choose to die it is for good reason, I will not die to hurt, but to save from hurting. Do not try to stop me from making the choice if the time comes because you will be the one responsible for my torture and Hell. The happy me is here still, if you want to meet that me then you will have to know me. My words only come onto paper when I have something to say. When I am happy I do not have something to say, something to complain about, I guess I could write what I am grateful for, but I suppose I am to busy living what I am grateful for to get on the computer and write some silly blog about it. Soon I suppose the sad me will all but fade away, love is comeing my way and I am anxious to see her again. When life greets death Let death greet life And let the sun shine on your face because as much as I want to belive the void is not real there is heaven waiting for all of us.
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Home

Why has home become such a hell for me. Is it the consant reminder of the sinner that I have become? Could it be the drama? or the constant nagging of my mother? the constant fighting of my brother. Arizona has become such a paridise for me, a place where I can escape everything I have become part of. Escape from every mark that anyone has put on me. Arizona seems to be my second sanctuary. I wonder if Barbara would stay there with me. Or anywhere besides my home. She is my first sanctuary. With her I am free from pain and turmoil that everyone else seems to lash upon me like a harsh whip tearing my skin off my back. They dont know they do this, but they do. I want my Love, I want my hope, and I want my dream. Give me this or send me to my abyss.
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Hate

My Hell comes with every drip of accusation that settles in that lets the guilt seep out and rain upon my concious. I can feel these tears soaking my body carressing it with shame. My words choke again. My body shakes again. My head throbs again. My heart chills over and blackens. Why cant my tears be blood? Why cant I just bleed from my eyes, bleed from my heart, and bleed from my very soul where my very existance remains? Hate. It is such a strong word to be professing upon myself. But this single word seems to brand my skin with every blade that crosses my skin. No blood has shed, not since.... why cant I press harder let the warm steel enter my flesh and greet my cold blood that rests within me. Let every drop be a tribute to that searing scar that reminds me of the burning hate I have for myself. I cover my eyes in shame I cover my lips from blame I cower from touch to spare you the cold shock of the demon I've become So follow my example. Hate me. And leave thy mark.
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Used

Two meanings. I can feel the music of what The Used plays, I can feel it within destroying my heart and tearing it to shreads, I know the feeling, I know the way. I feel used, the more I think about it and the more they tell me the more I belive it. I dont want to belive it. I feel like a fool. I dont know what to do.
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Untitled

My insides are mush right now. #_@ blegh, but it was fun having that happen! ^_^ I went to the battle of the bands, it was very exciting, I felt like a poser though, everyone and their dog had a girl with them there.... even the girls had girls :P j/k. On the other hand, I had Loren and Daniel. ha! oh well, cool guys. I got a band shirt, its cool and really gothic. I went and got ice cream tonight. God she gives good hugs. I am leaving to the land of AZ soon for two weeks, I am looking forward to that, it will be a nice break from.... Cache Valley in general I guess. Well have fun, dont do drugs, if you have sex make sure its worth it and they dont have any sti's O.<
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Question.

Who ARE you!? In reguards to [anonymous (65.100.205.49)]. Just wondering cause.... I dont do things for people that wont tell me who they are.
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Choices

Two choices. But I procrastinate, I cannot make them yet. One I never see, but will soon. The other I dont understand. Yet odly, I am happy right now. I have my choices but I do not have to make these choices in secret or darkness, they know everything. So there is nothing to fear. But it is frustrating none the less. I should not be questioning I should know. I should be able to choose without question without hesitation. Perhaps this means there is a third choice that is more right then all the others. But I dont want to admit it. I want to live with one of the two others. Well anywho, now that that encripted nonsense is on there. I got a new camera, its a nice one, an expensive one. all that saveing finally paid off. I am excited, I have used it a lot and plan on using it much more. I am going to efy, a relgious event during th summer, I had a choice. I go, or I pay for it. Its expensive. I dont know how comftorble I am going to feel there. I am graduating this weekend, I hope to have a burn my robe party afterwords. that whould be fun. The forum is great. www.eieiqkghasta.proboards91.com check it out. Its good stuff. After the summer ends I will have made my decision. And then as she leaves, I will be gone as well, to the land of Arizona I go. I will be living with my sister in Pheonox and away from Utah. It will be a nice change, a nice escape, a nice begining. I hope its all I hope it to be, cause here. I am in Hell. when words end as will I.
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lost

What do I know? What dont I know. I dont think I understand any of it anymore. It all seemed so easy in the scheme of things. But now I am truely lost. I dont think I know what is going on with anything anymore. Not anything. School, love, religion, family, life... I think the only thing I really know anymore is work. And even then I am haveng a hard time gaguing all of it. Damn, I feel so empty. I feel like death is the only comfort. But I would like to know what is going on and who I am. I am one person amoung billions. Why should it matter anyway? Why cant I think of them, you, anyone besides myself right now. I guess it is because I am lost. When I find myself I will find you too, I will help you, hold you and love you. Whether or not my love is her or you or somebody else I will live my life for her. Because whoever she is I love her, I know I do. My heart knows what my mind doesnt. so I will find myself then I will live for you again. All of you.
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^_^

I dont know why. But I am happy right now. So happy life everyone. Dont be sad. Dont do drugs. Eat lots of pie... I like pie. ^_^
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Untitled

Too many tears from the choices I make Too many cries in despair. I shouldnt have said, no one had to know not yet, I could have been gone away no one had to know Now they do. There is a solution a knife a gun a rope What does it matter? To them I am already dead My soul is gone and the fires of hell awaits me But then an angel in the distance I wait to see her and she to see me Only a little longer and I wont have to see these tears that I caused God Damn me I would deserve no less In the name of one day, when I reach my heaven.
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My Life

There are two reasons why someone would stop being part of their religion, first: they dont want have to live up to the standards and its a good reason to do whatever they feel like doing. Second: they honestly belive that what they thought they belived is not making them happy and they want to be happy. I want to be happy, I belive in the morals that were insinuated upon me long ago by the religion I once practiced. But for some reason I am not happy with where I am in my life. I have thought about this a lot, I want to find my path to richiousness. I will find whatever life suits me. I belive that life is all about being happy, and the people around you being happy. So I am going to strive for this. I am going to live for myself for others. I am going to belive what I belive in for me and not for those around me. I am going to be the best person I can be in the best way I can be. But there are other ways to doing that other than the religion I once practiced. I respect those that belive in what they belive in no matter what it is. It does not matter. But this belife is not for me. If there is a heaven, I will find my path. This is my belief, my prayer, my life In the name of the supreme, who ere it may be. Amen
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Will to live

For some time I had lost sight of my will to live. A gun in the mouth would have made me the most happy. But I have reason, will, to live. Love. Its so far away, so distant from where I sit at this moment, but death will only bring pain to her. So I must go on, if not for my sake but for her sake. I must live so I can see her again, so she can see me again. So we can be happy again. Dreams. Hopes. Fantasys. What would it be like to see her again? Pure bliss. Happieness. No more tears of sadness. Just smiles. I dont know. Maybe I am just crazy, but for the sake of living. I will keep on dreaming.
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Better

I dont know why, but I am feeling better. But then again I do go on random happy then depressed streaks. Its nice to see the sun again, I hate winter, so cold and so gray. Summer will be nice, warm and sunny. Maybe I'll start eating again, sleeping again. But then again maybe not. Life keeps me pre-occupied. So I'll go on and maybe one day it'll end, who knows with me. however it ends for me, the end means peace or happieness.
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Conversation

This is something I wrote about a week ago. Life. Shame, shame, funny how it all works out, how love can be so great, so great that when you are deprived you feel pain, constant pain. And when you see even the smallest chance you jump at it, then you realize that chance may have been beautiful and wonderful, but the big picture of things is you want love again, the love you had. I want the love I had, but I guess I lost track of that, I wanted love period and I thought I had found it. I was wrong, but its ok, it was worth a try and life can still go on living. 'Chance' you are great, dont forget it, I'm apologize for the grief and guilt trips, I'll try not to put you through that any more. Here is the poem that I wrote. When memories flood with the one I love, this is how I feel. Conversation. Hello Friend Hello End What is life? Life is pain What is death? The cure What is the cost? More pain More tears You will cause grief Or will you? Will they care? Will it really matter? It will probably be painless No one will care no one will mind Where do I find it? Anywhere Everywhere Where ever you'd like Your death... Yours is free Painless Peace Only peace. There is another that I wrote that I think was just as good, but I do not have it with me, I shall post it though if you would like.
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I am sorry

I am sorry I am not good enough. Not bad enough. I am sorry that I am never around anymore. Always gone, always busy. Always making excuses. I am sorry I am not happy enough. I am sorry that I am not there when you need me. I am sorry that I am not richeous enough. I am sorry that I am not smart enough. I am sorry that I dont talk to you. I am sorry that I dont even think about you anymore. The truth is I dont think about anyone anymore. Not even myself. I dont care anymore. I am who I am. I am not going to change. I dont want to change. I am good the way I am right now. I do not love. I do not hate. I am not happy. I am not sad. I am not uptight. I am not laid back. I do not want to live. I do not want to die. I do not want to eat. I do not want to starve. I do not want to sleep. I do not want to be tired. I am not. I have become nothing. Nothing in my mind. Nothing in the minds of those around me. I am a shadow on the wall. Furthest from your mind. But only a prayer away. I tried once. Now I am done. I am not trying anymore. Its your turn, if you want me to be in your life, dont make me be the one working for it. I dont want to do all the work anymore. That is why I am but a memory. I am only called upon when needed, otherwise I am at the back of the mind. I am no longer needed apparently. I am sorry that you do not need me anymore. Sorry that I have started to try just as much as you have. Not at all. I am sorry I have decided to die. To stop. I am sorry for ever living. It probably makes it painful. I say I dont love you. But I do. All of you. Even if I have never met you. You are in my mind. I am wondering who you are, and what you are feeling. If I prayed anymore I would pray for you. But I guess I will think of you. No tears tonight. No laughter tonight. I am imparsial. Uncaring. Unthinking. Unthanked, Unpunished. I am Jeremy, I will be always, and I will never stop being me. Thank you for making me me all of you out there.
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Victory!

I had the chance to get what I have been dreaming about for three months..... and I didnt take it. I have proven myself, now its her turn. This makes me happy, it felt really good to know that she is willing to give me some real affection. It makes me happier that I have enough self control to make her wait.... I win.
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Living

I decided I should live again the other day. I have been dead for so long. Living is Hell, I want to be dead again, but I have forgotten how to die. Tears slid down my cheeks for the first time in months, I dont know what to do. I dont know what I am doing. I wish I werent so worthless. I wish I could do something. I wish I could take away all the pain. I wish a lot of things, but it will never do anyone any good.
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