Listening to: OR NOT

He broke up with me on my voicemail the other day... "Fuckin Kick rocks, it's over" and he broke up with me because apparently I had all night to hang out with him and I just got around to seeing him at about ten... He didn't break up with me when I cheated on him with his friend... whom I have no feelings for... who I am not even mildly attracted to and seriously hate!!! I was fucked up and not thinking. I'm so goddamned attracted to Brandon it's ridiculous... I don't know why I even like him. I could get someone to treat me better easily... my friend beth even said something about me being single and I KID YOU NOT a blond haired hottie tellin my friends " oh, she's hot" he's a virgin. He's gorgeous. I don't really know if Brandon and I are broken up... I don't want it to be over. I don't care if he treats me like shit, which he has yet to do but even he's told me he isn't the nicest to SOME of his girlfriends. It's ok though, I boxed my recent ex so it's all good, I can take ya. But I feel comfortable around him, I mean nothing like John, but there's one thing that could not be too good I want to please him. I mean I seriously would do so much for him if it made him happy. GOOD SEX.

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Some things are better left unsaid.

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Juniper berries are good when you have a soar throat

I am SICK, I feel like I got run over by a steam roller... mmmm, fun stuff. I'm supposed to go out tonight too. Oh well, I really don't mind, now I have an exuse for being anti-social.

I went to the doctors today, she was hardcore christian, there's nothing wrong with that, I just think that's illegal to preach in a doctors office.

I'm really not the one to ve talking aobut illegal activities though and besides who cares... people are so picky when talking about religion these days. It's like don't ask don't tell, same with being gay, or lesbian or anything but "NORMAL"

The world is so sad these days.

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Get this shit
Listening to: hell yeah

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!Here is how you matched up against all the levels:LevelScorePurgatory (Repenting Believers)Very LowLevel 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)LowLevel 2 (Lustful)HighLevel 3 (Gluttonous)LowLevel 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very LowLevel 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)HighLevel 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very LowLevel 7 (Violent)Very HighLevel 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very HighLevel 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)HighTake the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

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Listening to: The Who

Who the fuck left me that sweet, nice ass comment? The one where it says we've lost touch over the years but 'I'm thinking of you'

Sign your name... It brightened my day, well night, but hey!

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Listening to: Denial

If I have to die to really live so be it.

Living depletes me

my soul's bitter

but ready for you

I have so much to offer

Please forgive me

Please I'm on my knees

there's nothing I've ever done wrong

I just feel like saying sorry

maybe I'm not enough

pretty a little less than

what usually gains your touch

I know the wrath of the world

It's hard sometimes to be a girl

I love you

I love you

Please don't slip away

Pleading is my mascarade

I feel you I do

I know your pain, baby, Oh god I love you

and that's exactly what I went through

I know, it's okay

it's okay

die if it will take away your pain...

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Hell tainted
Listening to: Reverence
Feeling: complacent

it floods me in slow motion

and floats me away

as a dream

and i lay with my horrors spread around me

faced with a choice

and the tears just don't quench my thirst


i won't live again

and the dead shell just dissintegrates

when i'm naked

left at the stake

to burn these hesitations

at the alter where

god walked

but i feel nothing behind me

how good it'd feel to be stalked

i'm a ghost

slipping behind your memory and from your heart

left for good and then it's all over and the redess splits the silence because they don't know what to do

they are all alone

in how to dispose of me

as they rattled my body mercilessly

and i am not an endangered situation as i hoped to be....

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its not but it will do
Listening to: listen to my voice saying i love you

i really could take your face and smash it into all my pain. but it'd feel like a brick wall... and stand there as so, destined to be alone with dignity. and a ominousness, is that a word? just to no end... that's what i mean... just to no end

and i love you sometimes all the time for everyone

a hope for world peace is not just for beauty queens

but what would we use to compare good times to?

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Temptation Island
Listening to: the banter, ohthe banter
Feeling: bruised

...yet something is hanging on to me bearig pressure on my chest... but i want hope to evade me, i know what i crave and desire is not tangible nor do i think it will ever be, i need to be happy with what i have. lay the cavity in my heart, down for everyone to see, to know whats been done. god, it aches to know i cannot do a thing to ensure my fate, i don't know if i'll ever get over this mistake, someone once said loving you was enough... but i? for me it had to go both ways i am not content to know that i had nothing when you kissed me,just lust. life really tore me down when you came around. i want to scratch myself raw for you to see what you forced upon me... but i know you hate this so i'll let you be.

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the banter holds my hand to leave me
Listening to: rupture
Feeling: bitter

A song i wrote:

i am so lonely tonight

and these tears are crawlin

and on the ground i'm fallin

the waves are salty and sad

like all the tears she's had

to rub salt into my wounds

feeling doomed

lips upon my memory

emptiness beats it's way

inside me

until all i have

has already bled

and nothing good for me is left

send me plainly below

oh this is never going on

this is too good far too long

and i can fuck you

yeah you'd want to pay me

but i'd pay you

people pleasing

is releasing me to hate the only thing i have left


you will never belong to me...

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the banter is beating me
Listening to: Chevelle
Feeling: motivated

if i tap my veins i have

one itention

to let air into my blood stream

gonna blow up my heart

don't know any other way i'd like to part

so this is to true broken hearst


my creativity

enables me

due to you i'm losing

boiling inside this



and i think it's goddamned time

i've burning so long i got tan lines

if i don't finish this song i'll never live

won't make it

but do i want to

i always wanted to be tragic

tragic ending

no one save me

that's all i wanted and all i can't have

all i need and what makes me feel bad



i want to bleed

i want to but i know it's selfish

i know i'm better than that

but am i?

i just want to feel my pain

i will never be insane

i could have this

you are

all that isn't good

leave me blood to spill.

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thebanterisn't soft anymore
Listening to: political angst
Feeling: antisocial

yeah this is never good enough

i try so hard

and get blown to dust

you always leave me on your back porch

and take a torch to my emotions

if i wanted something


oh, i could have it

i go there and i try to love you

i spent a year with you and you hate me?

don't remeber my face?

people i used to treat like shit still want my embrace

and that's the way the world works

and although i know you know it hurts

this just wont work

so if i do it i'll do it right

leave hmmm, you out of sight

i can't not try

i can't cry

i'm alone

yeah so all alone

want to leave and go home

yeah i don't think this is beautiful anymore

i think it's drawn out and ugly

but i still love you my lovely...

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Listening to: polite assumption
Feeling: aloof

when will it end,

and the scenery inside my head mend

you make, you all make me tired

and lost and you stole my soul as i stole your time


to make the world mine

left leaving on a whim

that it willalways be too hard to live

but i know i can do this settle down and get to this

beleive me i'm used to this

and death gave me a goodbye kiss

that i'll miss when the feelings left...

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Guitar Lessons

so my guitar teacher, Justin, taught me... guitar? He's pretty, like a little brother type, altough he's, I dunno four years older than myself.

This is true, who knew, you'd be open to just screw, no strings. I love that you don't love me, that you will never love me. Well, I made sure of that. Why don't you let your talent run flat, so you can lay me on my back, I wanted you to work, but you wanted to do it till it hurt. So your career went down as you did down me, and the symbolism is divine. But, oh no, you invested so much in me that you love me? You wasted yourself for a little honey?

Peanut and Honey sandwhiches, mmmmmm. Why? What'd you think I was talking about?

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Pete Francis
Listening to: Pete Francis

Gotta remember Pete Francis.

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entry title
Listening to: current music

aim: jennaz hot4u

your binding aphorism of truth, ignorance the trend, once again.

your immortal

in my soul

oh my deity

i'll never let you go

my distrust in you is obsolete

your belligerence in the way you handle me

has restored my faith

left my praying on my knees at hell's inviting gates...


no more

suddenly barren and meloncholy melody.

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blessing in disquise

time crawls

leaving me in it's sick

and twisted stead

i'm so angry

so lost

all i see is red

eating and eating you up

not the cancer

but the lack of love

if i gave you this

and told you

you have my heart

would you care

could you feel it there

in the corner where you shed your pain

and you can't evolve

can't stay sane


and lost

out of love

if i held you it'd still be so cold

your lips

your hands

being the man

never too warm

and i feel the burn, like ice too cold

the burn from an internal urge

to leave

exsistence lost

everything relative your heart to mine

appreciate living

i wish i could give you nine lives

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Slip yourself into a time

That’s a little more comfortable

A little more gone, is best to describe

Some past

That’s a friend of mine

But never that smile

Eyes that take you in, and take a while


That’s what you are

I’m glad it ended the way it did

I’m glad it stopped

Someone had to grow up

And the other had to continue being the kid

Nagging at me, something left unsaid

Someone to wish being blessed

While wanting to put a gun to their mutha fuckin head

Bleeding like you’re alive, through the tears

But you’re really dead

Nagging at me, something left unsaid…

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hold it there

cash in the sweet

and plain it

keep it real

and just leave

it's so much more sweet

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cavernous soul

new places to hide myself

from the cold

wind whips

chilling hands

that reach for someone to understand

capital heart

you breathe with your head

when you're gone

you won't be able to analyze death

lose this number

so I can give it to you over and over again

until sour

wishes turn vengeful

actively sin

see this happiness

with it's painted face

paper thin as faith

but guide me, adrenaline pumping

to believe without seeing

caring for a subtle touch

lead you from the dark

illistrating it's blank

with art

your empathy like sand

transfer to where it's needed

to as desolate a land

you fall

catches you

is sand that cradles you in all

molds around you

so you can grasp the reality

through unclenching teeth

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kick me in the gut

it might hurt

but it will be a happy release...

hey miss?

my soul's dying

my heart probably can't take much more

it tries too hard,

to give.

and now it's almost empty.

my tears really don't provide

for me anymore.

my money is spent

and faces turn

I was wondering, do you know where they turn?

If possible could I freeze my heart?

To save what's left?

I thought maybe i'd give it to someone like me.


Stranger to me I guess?

I promise to try,

try not to be angry anymore.

if I have to go out,

I'll just leave quietly

I'll whisper and say things that can be nice

I'm hurting, Lady, like you wouldn't believe.

the muscle, my heart

is like on drugs: weak

there's no fight anymore

but lady?

I'm not stupid

there'd be too much to lose...

sincerely thank you, lady.

I can't imagine that you'd sit here unjudgemental

just listening, but I think you know

I just needed to say it out loud

Thanks, it's appreciated

only... lady?

I just wish, maybe someone else could do it for me...

not meaning anything by it, you're a good listener.

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eternal home

Don’t look in death

It isn’t that nice

Look down

There I stand

Still reaching for your hand

Though it doesn’t posses

A soul

I can’t let you go

You’re part of me

My other half

The tears stagnant

They’re there,

Oh believe,

They just lie dormant

My hope won’t accept them

You didn’t go away

Stay with me

Don’t you leave

It’s like ice in here

Maybe it’s the drugs

But it’s like ice in here

My flesh crawls

Skin and red

Would like to teer it

And give it to you

Will it tie you together

So you don’t fall apart?

Will it mend you?

Even if you have broken heart?

Will you hang on?

Attach yourself to life

Cling to it, like a love

Don’t give up

I love you

I love you

You can have my heart

Really, it’s already yours

Just promise me

Goddamn promise me, yeah that’s right

With tears in your eyes

You can cry

But promise you’ll stay and fight

I know you can’t hang on

It’s too much

Pain overwhelming you


For me

A little time?

How do I prove to you

That I love you?

You already know?

I know you do

But it’s not good enough for me

I can breath, I can think

But I’m just pretending

I won’t let you see me slip

See the tears never fall

You say

It’s okay, it’s okay

Be strong.

I am!

Goddamn, I am!

But only for you

I can be strong if it’s for you

But not for me

Without you I’m nothing

Don’t say those are lies

You bring the best in me

Give me reason

To endure this life, and keep living

I should go home!!

You need to stay

The world will be less

It will be less

Do you hear me?

I’m nothing

And if they miss me

It’s only I was good for you

I tried for you

They liked me for you

I did it for you

Just stay

Or trade my place

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Listening to: doree's music

my soul invites you

to stay

near where its warm

and you're safe

i know who I want to take me home

the guilt didn't arise

though i know it's not that

certain love in his eyes

i know he cares

without a doubt

it's really there

wish i could huddle you close to me

just tell me if you need saving

I gave up once

I promise not again

so lets lie close

and close our eyes

together maybe it will

be easier to suffer their lies

hope you don't get cold

with your feet so bare

I have the love for you too

it's warm to know you care

like reality is so much

less bitter

congratulations this is

the only poem that has ever been

genuinely happy

kiss your cheek

by this you preserve

the innocence in me.

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the little drops of blood are soothing


when the come together

and it just adds to their beauty

i want to rip my veins

feel real pain

want to break the skin

put patterns in places

if you put patterns

you just wont live

take a knife and hear

it teer

tell someone yeah

i've been there

it makes me light headed

my heart leaden

soul too good for you

the paperweight

masterbates the papers to come to you

it sits heavy and serene

on thin cream

with words out of my mouth

like a dream

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sorry for just about everything

severe your beauty

and I want to cut cut


and lick it up

but i can't something holds

me to the last

recognize your intentions

and set them free

don't plan what

you want to mean to me

i'm sorry i'm so mean

sorry so rude

that i'm abrasive

that i'm a little girl

and a fool for you

sorry i'm immature

sorry i don't stay out of things

i care too much

i think too much

and i love

sorry for everything

sorry for me

sorry i'm not good enough

sorry i bleed

better yet

sorry i breath

sorry you can't stand me

sorry i didn't do it

sorry and i'll sit still


i have this

ringing in my ear

sorry i just want someone to love

sorry i just want someone to love me

sorry for just about everything.

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i love chrish-tians... not i'm atheist. agnostic

doing drugs with my friend chrish.... shshshshs shhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

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you retract your breath

i can't feel you yet

it's too deep

i sit


scraping my knees

so i can't stand

can't walk that distance

to where you're my man

but we generate heat

and in all my heart

in my lungs

i can't breath

pressure building

no release

the drugs just eat and eat

and eat

you cannot go back

you're so lost

your memories flat


you squirm

notice me..

that i scream

faking you are my ecstasy

in hellish moments

for you i phene

like drugs

they teer, it burns and i promise

not to hear

but your'e convincing

with your awesome power

and your extensive reach

just slap me

I promise not to scream

the blows are mellow

i can't feel you

you see red and i see yellow

the sun bursting in my eyes

but I hide in shadows

you cloak in lies

so separate me

pull it apart

mend secretly behind my back

like it's your art

pretend you're still this way

i'll cradle you till it

goes away

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your fantasy is

to devour me

in thoughts pitiful

and in the end you lose

you say 'oh my god' i have a short fuse

i don't believe you

you're nothing to me

and i sit


just comtemplating

your existence

for whom

you love only yourself

and it grows in volume

swallow your poison

i don't need your trust

there's simply no one

for whom i lust

and your morbid

eyes spitting fire

wonder if you were genuine

what'd it be like

to hurry you

into reality

would you then forsake me

i don't care

it's a shame we breath the same air

but i think again i'll just


that our worlds again will mend

that i'm here for you

but in the back of your mind

do you believe such lies

like youre really a good friend

would anyone really stand by you in

the end

i think you know what's true

that people simply

tolerate you

so slit your soul

let it gush

to run to your side

and help, i know i wouldn't

be in a rush

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say you're painful

like the memories

like you rolled yourself up

to protect me from you

and you melt like you were never cool

but always frozen stiff

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youre the same

from your empty truths

to you, endless blames

your smile

is fickle

broke me when it came

i'm sorry to say,

youre the same

my name burns your mouth

so it fades

on lips rancid

with lies

and pain

so you feel cornered

and drained

but you

with your apathetic teeth

that teer away

my heart stays

as you stay the same

far away

i'm sorry to say


you're the same

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Listening to: Three Days Grace- I hate everything about you

it hurts the way you do me

like it's more important than

what's got to be

and the sand slips


and wishing your tears away is fruitless

we can't have this

and i antagonize,

but it's you

im sorry for me,

for i'm harsh and true

girl your my backbone

but really i guess im yours

i love you with all my heart

and you look down in scorn

loved to call you my best friend

knew we'd make it till the end

but i just don't godamn know


every ounce of me is pitying

i hate the way it rails

screaming to my head

no answer

no avail

so lose it all the way

wished we werent like this

i give you my all

i insist

but baby girl

because you're my best one

you make me want to slit my wrists.

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we tidy ourselves

drapes thrown

and ive pain from you plenty

but i've grown

if you kissed me

i might die

but i cant get close enough

to truly look you in the eye

because you're repetitve

in your approach

always tightening your grip

and never slow

so i bury what i know

in this heart that grows

like stone

and cold

i've known long enough

but its already become old

a keep sake

that's hideous

that wonderful moment that's

really a bust

so i pretend i've slit my wrists

turning inside

until it's bliss

for the morphine to edge the fire

keep it in before it turns into


and i liked you more when you were fucked up

could stand you stupid and your ways


but i've fallen away so near i'll hold you

but i don't say a word you hear

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Thats all cuz im so happy

youre unfailingly

failing me

from your crooked smile

to your one way reach

my expectations dip and swerve

and then they altogether flee

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imature little bitches

Hey all you fuckin pussies, you can read my diary or not it's your decision but if youre going to leave a fuckin comment like freak, leave your name or diary because all it says is that youre a little bitch

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even when you pound me


a little love can be healthy

i want to sip you in

undress me

and i will whisper your name

say it louder if you promise

just to stay

body shivering

from the chills you make

run up and down my body

i regained that faith

it doesnt have to be this way or that

hard and sad and nothing else


and i got it from you

i would walk blindly into a raging fire if

you told me to

that's the kind of trust thats true

but these chains that bound me to you

will never rust

or change their hue

because this moment has happened over

and over

again here

until we fade together,

melt into eachother

this will be near.


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didn't mean it baby


by how easily you'll spit in my face

disregard your girls

for the thrill of the chase

and you resume

to loving us once again

trying so hard just to laugh

so you can live

but then,

with a sudden burst of creativity

you fathom new ways

of hurting me

and let me tell the world

how they sting

but no one's perfect

don't know who i'd turn to if i didn't have you

though you throw it in my face

with that blazing heat

and I hope you didn't mean

it when you made me bleed

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in the way you plead


can almost remember that

laughter from long ago

the only thing that's clean



just take me all in your arms and hold me tight tight

rip open my soul with your tenderness

and that other worldly caress

like it's out of your mind

driven by love

and purely blind

but oh lord

i've suffered,

like you wouldn't believe

not that i'm a special case

or that i'm even on my knees

but i got some good heart for you

some loyalty too

no contradiction

though everythings upside down

i know this is what i'm meant to be

i can feel it in my chest

when i love, truly, i know

you'll help me with the rest


hold me a little closer still

the tears are

washing down my face

against my will


it feels good

expurgate the nasties

that run so deep

and my womanly pride

aches so bad

for that unborn child

i can do nothing else but simply weep

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I entered some writing contest and I won money. yay. I hope I win alot so I can go shopping with doree, she needs to jeans and needs to stop wearing mine

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you've broke,

really really even like

as maybe in the center?

you unwind

and tell me you lost

your taste has been refined

you'll keep me

but not the rest of mine

wish you knew what

i was saying

this whole

the way you give into

the door sliding

against it

like it's holding you together

fall to the floor

last december

how do you ever mend from this,

take away the loneliness

empty kiss

and then you wake up in agony

your only bliss

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your body handles


and i watch... the graceful

making it hard to breath...

you wrote these words for me


and expressionless

i watch that sensual heaving of your chest

lest we forget?

the picture of shameful wonders

and guilty pictures

for ecstatic pleasures

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drown in your euphoria

in simple


for less

to know

about your own mysteria

about which

you walk in solemn


that embrace you in the ever



you stop,

but it still resolves

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Listening to: The Cure

so i saw you yesterday

you didn't smile

what did I expect,

i should've known it would be

one of my regrets

to let you go

and I'm pretty sure it's too late

to get you back

too late

for the appreciation to come

I was so fucked up

so goddamned drunk

I see your face

and I run for the beer case

I didn't think i'd drink it all away

but there it goes

I can feel from my head all the way

down to my toes

the numb

of knowing you aren't here anymore

don't want to bear this sore

here it comes

that depression creeping in

the reality of the whole thing

seeping in

and the whole goddamned world growing dim

not really knowing if its

worth it to live

you may think it's petty

to feel like this

i have no right to endure this pain

it's been so long

cradling my shame

mouthing your name

shedding unstopable tears

pouring salt in my wounds

till they seer

and crackle,

won't let me forget


down to my soul

if you weren't so goddamned stubborn

if i wasn't so goddamned stubborn

i wouldn't be alone

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temptous rage

evidence from scars on my face

hot, stung against my cheek

and i can taste the blood that bleeds

your face twists in the anger that seethes

and i curl up closer to nothing

than ever before

i would take all that abuse

for just a little more

the love terminal

sickening me

but I can't regret this

the best love to ever


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tainted to light

see right through

in variations

the undulations

get inspired by you

they dance like

your hand

up and down your wrist

it's so steaming hot

my mind begins to twist

the salt enters the wound

from the sweat that pours

you felt all this

from your whore

but she was yours, yours

you didn't ask for anything else

it wasn't like you could help

what you felt

but the room seems to shake

maybe it's just your hand

out of focus

and you can barely stand

so you melt to the floor

sliding slowing so you

can curl up next to

your whore.

184 hit(s) (2 comments) | spill  

this you can't

if you just break me

really really soft like

as if youre making love to your one

and only

but we burn and we want that fuel

stay, stay so bright

we can never be content

our morals hold us back

if I loved you this long

I'd fade to black

that torcherous memory

that brings those tears to my eyes

so perfectly

and here I am wincing

feeling my heart barely beating

wasn't always you

that question

I can't make it too late

can't wait for fate

to run like hell

last minute, to open up that gate

but I stared and stared deep into that past

you gotta ask yourself

why the agony to make it last

188 hit(s) (1 comments) | spill  

i know it comes

from that tattered place

beat broken but still throbbing to

an inaudible hum

but that's really you gasping

giving up on life

and here

take it

it's yours, my hand and you can keep it

but that throbbing grows deep and we don't make it to the end

and what if I find something there? how likely?

but all I have to say is good bye,

and you'll think

but i'll think too

and I'd rather be out of it if im out with you.

183 hit(s) (1 comments) | spill  


that regret

like blood in your mouth

streaming down your face wet

emptying your soul into the pillow

like somehow you'll want to

live now

but the whole of yourself

has already drowned

so you steal chains

and lock yourself away

with an apathy

to whether or not youre living

a damn is not what youre giving


try so hard it breaks your

emotions stretched taught

around your beating wrist

and you stare at that menacing wall

until your hand tightens to a fist

that shatter

feeling better hand is broken

but it's getting better inside too

and i love you still even though i

was used.

142 hit(s) (0 comments) | spill  

I miss John Okrazewski. I don't know why but I miss hanging out with him very badly, I see him just about everyday and I can't even look at him. Our breakup didn't even end that badly, we even talked occasionally afterward but all of a sudden time went on enough to where I don't think I could call him again or hang out or be anything at all.

it's ok.

timeless ugliness

rancid words

dripping down your unclean throat

volatile and exposed

right down to your bones

dreams of shadows

never see

things in the light

how they should be

put in your pockets

trembling hands


of the worst kind

to that deep and ignorant hurt

you've got to bind

if it weren't for the rough

and abrasive things

jaded interventions

from people who don't believe

your hands pushing back my hair

tracing my face

holding on hard

till it falls into place

your face closing in on me

not being able to see

trusting you so godamned blindly

hands that supress anything bitter

whoever knew

it wouldn't be love but a best friend

I found in you

179 hit(s) (3 comments) | spill  

so it's empty in here

the rain

falling so near

the cold

rush to my bones

all i want is just

to leave home

the heavens a notion

your words half forgotten

but we live in the then

not sure how tomorrow

became so rotten

and we tempt ourselves with lies

we believe

and empty our souls till they bleed

scrape me raw and thin and evil and right

i still wont keep you warm at night

158 hit(s) (2 comments) | spill  

it's break soon the routine will become again and again i will not have what i want... and what i need i don't know so i can't know if i'm getting it or not. all i know is that it's still empty. feelingless. exasterbates, is that how you spell it. being one hundred miles away from what you know best: home... well it exasterbates it. brings it on... not to mention i don't feel good. my glands (on my throat, so it doesn't sound nasty) are the size of golf balls, i kid you not. and the things running through my head are the size of something un-fathomable. not a word too, yeah i got it. so i don't know, i think i'll go take a shot of brandy. i'm so tired of people pretending they care or even thinking they care. people think too much. just breath and act spontaneously. so let's call him Brad, Brad's a good name. he doesn't understand. anything. ever. period. he is hurting so mightily that he cannot see through his self-pity cloud, which he doesn't know he has, to others around him. he is oblivious. what i'm using him for is clear what he wants is hazy. he wants all the feeling affection passion, yadda yadda a girlfriend brings but not the strings. i just wanna fuck you, no kissing and huggin.... it's a song. he needs time to heal and probably an STD check up to make sure the sluts he's getting with are clean. he needs a lot of fucking time and he just doesn't get that, he goes straight to the single life and is willing to put other people and their feelings on the line so he can get what he wants. it's not the physical it's the mental. i've done better. eric mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yummy k bye gotta go

158 hit(s) (3 comments) | spill  

how do you straddle that might

that maybe you'd know

if you wouldn't have to fight

but you give me something not worth waiting for,

if only you were my best friend

then i'd deserve more

but we see eye to eye

151 hit(s) (0 comments) | spill  

take the rip

and fall to the floor

emptiness is your whore

faithfully arouse you

each night

to a searing seduction of lies

till you know not which way you go

the whole world seems to ebb

and flow

you can't see clearly

with the blood dripping

in your eyes

with his tongue between your heart

and his hand sliding up your thigh

but you sit steadily

like church on sunday, you knew

the way he preached

but you could tell the real thing

by the way he looked at you

and you convulse


trying so hard not to think

just to breathe

but how can i overlook you

when your begging me on your knees

158 hit(s) (0 comments) | spill  
love you to peices

i'm frustrated that things are not working out as planned. they never do but i had a little more hope and stuff riding on this one and of course it doesn't work out.

ok so if two good friends are attracted to eachother what happens... well you know. but what if now you want more and more but not emotinally because he's already a good friend... cotch my durrift? in case you didn't know what that means it means catch my drift.

ahhh. so annoying. well this morning i had a headache and i took an excedrin p.m. and now since i think the early morning coffee wore off i'm BORED AS HELL. ya know? and i'm at school about to seriously fall asleep. it sux.

later fuckin drama dude. fuckin drama.

158 hit(s) (0 comments) | spill  

i'm done done

to your ending

i'll believe your words into my space

and all i do is picture your face

next to mine

i tend to fade from time to time

but you leave me wasting away on the kitchen floor

and i've tried so hard

so hard to drag myself to the door

but we've tangled ourselves in your sheets again my love

and i'm all dried out

from that pursuit of love

i ran you followed

heavy hot and bare

breathing steadily into my ear

and you're content

but i'm still awake

try to focus my love away from you

with every breath on the intake

158 hit(s) (0 comments) | spill  
wasn't it

when i look at you

i see him

when we make love

i'm screaming his name in my head

when i wake up

it isn't you

i'm better off dead

because you really don't understand all that we had

as horrible as you are

as much as i didn't love you


i did, everything

you remind me of smiling when he kissed my face seeing his eyes light from his goofy smile, knowing perfection lost it's name

lived and breathed for you

and maybe

it's only better when it's over

but i know that isn't true

when i first took a drive with you, i knew what to do

held your head in my lap

you in my hand

emptiness runs through this

endless hourglass

like sand


how did you say it that right

that when anyone else speaks it

i go out

of my mind?

how were you it, everything was wrong with you

but it was always you

wasn't it?

164 hit(s) (1 comments) | spill  
just stay

i am naked

wanting more

to get some ice cream

why haven't we had that after

sex cigarette?

maybe we haven't begun yet

but you pour yourself into my empties

where the hollows tend to get

and that turn lane signals no more

but you've chosen who to forget

and sometimes I get a little cold

out here

with that open window

rain pouring in on me

it reminds me of you

that second

not one more

that instantaneous


when i lost myself in you

and you in me

so you can't leave

but you're gone

and i've had my moving on

black on top that white

but you drink white mountain snowflakes

and dream empty dreams

that hold less meaning

than you ever meant to mean

so just stay

181 hit(s) (2 comments) | spill  

so the emptiness

plays you like a toy

be my lover little boy

but you drag me to the ground

and leave me to decompose

with the rose petals

and the dirty little secrets

labled flammable

under the covers

where you hide your might

and we whisper sweet notings to the wall

at night

and drown

in raw ecstasy

but the dreams seam so real

and all this tension makes me sweat

and I can't feel

my face

and the answers

full of disgrace

when we try to hide

that wanting embrace

her face ashen

knowing it wasn't her

but we're like two fighting

with all our lonesome might

agains gravity

when we should turn our backs and start to die but we just can't give up

can't let down

live up to whats coming around



though I loved you too

for a second

lets just leave

till our lies become true.

182 hit(s) (1 comments) | spill  

a quiet tension struggles

over me

I'm counting your pelvic thrusts

as I stare at the ceiling

fake an orgasm...

yeah you think you're the one

but I'm insanely aware of what you're not

that we work so well together

because we're both lost

I'm damaged

I'm still not done thawing from that year

1982 put his hands all over me

and smothered me

until I eventually stopped breathing

so that I could stare at your

pretty face without

any interuption

but the love we once SHARED

turned stale in it's corruption

can't we go back sometimes

into old ecstacy

when all those pretty colors

presented that cure-all remedy

you screamed I love you

so loud

it's deafening

but I wont listen

because I know it's a dream

just your sick little way

to reel me


but can't shake that feeling I was wrong



open but I know he spoke truth

how do you say sorry to someone who really knows you

you can breath... he'll know it's you

i've been all wrong

he still loves you

187 hit(s) (1 comments) | spill  
fiend/ lover

you sit in your tawny sweatshirt

knowing not today

if I said it just once more

would it be more true

but we've ebbed and flowed

and you were that last final flaw

that amazing acomplishing lie

when I held you closer

just a little tighter

and we thought this was forever

but how easily you were erased

though things have been forgotten,

without you feels out of place

so I didn't love you?

so maybe you really loved me

but the truth is

to revisit that place, could be ugly

so I sit with my misery

as that amazing ambience

not really calling it company

he wines and dines me, kicks me to the curb

wait isn't there more




seduction, god I though you knew the rules

seriously not attractive, how have I even gotten this far?

I don't know what I'm talking about

225 hit(s) (2 comments) | spill  

you take the liquid

set it on fire

drink it down

to melt that desire

you can't conceive

the only cure

is your disease

plagues you consistantly

and the ugly memory

until your holding your head


to stop the bleeding

and your so numb

you've lost all feeling

so three words can no longer rescue you

you're strong

you can make it through

but he's dragging and melting at your feet

out of breath

because he has no will for breathing

those thoughts may be lewd

but they're all your fucking mind can conjure up

those dreams may be worthless but

they're yours

if you never aspire to anything you can always reverse into yourself

close within and upon

taper off those searching and far spread ends

because really

you were my means

you didn't know you were saving me

cooling that fucking fire raging

so you have to emphasize your point

my point with a little snarl words

if you only knew what I mean, what i've meant

you'd be so well read

but then you're just so confused aren't you?

202 hit(s) (1 comments) | spill  

Entry List
thebanterisn't soft anymore
Hell tainted
its not but it will do
Temptation Island
Juniper berries are good when...
the banter holds my hand to...
Guitar Lessons
Pete Francis
Get this shit
the banter is beating me
entry title
blessing in disquise
eternal home
sorry for just about...
i love chrish-tians... not...
Thats all cuz im so happy
imature little bitches
didn't mean it baby
love you to peices
wasn't it
just stay
fiend/ lover
you suck
inside out
so many things on my mind
you wouldn't
smoke stack 4:20
redeamable dignity
bondran rackincrackm
de-vide... and.
feelin this one
song rift
tempting tin pipe/wooden...
wasn't me
for shizzle- no just kidding
song- sleep naked
song it's called # 2... I...
nodnarb no elvae
My song lyrics... only one of...
good fuckin day...
female fetale
in my bed for a little company
soulfull place...
I didn't write this, I stole...
hashish capiche??
Everything will be okay... not
too soon
I hole I can't dig out of
its done between you, but you...
how wack
Song- Baby Face
Truth Adam
Truth Adam
Dead to the core
soon to be
those things that hurt
so good
okay, with tears streaming...
Letter to Beth
but if i were, this is how...
bend me into the willing
red neck
if only now
Stay for another hour
thats fucked up
up till now
good love's on tuesday, dont...
Dont die inside
Why me?
biology kills me
God, and other things
Love me more
Rock me baby
Dying isnt' painful when...
No one's perfect... this...
Basic knowledge
Best friends beyond just the...
left overs
Gena, psychopathic liars
good stuff
Don't read this
lump in my throat
langston hughes
Bug pajama's and bananas
Kama Sutra
I love you not at all anymore
tomorrow never ends
This isn't me
jennalynn Way undone, I can't...
Morning glories
Jesus be thy name
Treatment is needed
I hate my
it's still seventeen
Anne Frank
Downtown on the news
Why can't we be friends?
Choking on sea water
Manic Depressive
I did love you
Men from the boys
Gone- unfortunately
Well Duh
The Quaran- December in April
yeah yeah
Over this
I hate Everything about you
Kurt Cobain
how they are
I am currently
Tiny dancer, with the big...
No one cares
De`in el veru
For good this time
i know whats goin on
Redemptions a bitch
like a gun
nothing- it's okay
no fuckin title
do you know or do you just...
the getty museum
check it
life isn't worth living if...
Define Me
I try
don't belittle me
This is how i got here
hung by a rope
u really should read this
QUIZ- take it
for four years
Bob Marley
when you dont know what to say
and again
tell me you want to slit me
kbondedkristian you dont know...
what should i call this?
read this
a poem i wrote three fuckin...
Daemon arsonists
291 post(s)