Gone...

Pastures new. I'm sorry that I never update this thing. I want to - but it's too much with everything else I attempt. I wish you all well.
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New.

8.16am What better time to return to an abandoned diary than just after 8am on a Saturday morning? I haven't been able to sleep since 6am. And I know I won't get much sleep tonight either... Eh, it's shaping up to be a fun weekend. Firstly, we run through school stuff. I took an English exam in January and get the results back next Thursday. Yes, it's scaring me quite a lot, but there's nothing much I can do about it so I suppose I might as well just stop caring. I'd rather not resit it but there's the option to so I suppose I'm just being stupid. Then of course there's Electronics coursework. I'm meant to finish it over this weekend, or at least finish what's already due in. But I know that won't happen at all. So those lunchtime detentions seem to be a certainty. And there's the impending doom of GCSEs, weighing down my mind pretty much constantly at the moment. Easter holidays are going to be a block of revision. In other news, I'm a bitch. But we all knew that. And things seem to have calmed down a bit, to the point where most people seem pretty content with their life and the way it's going. So that makes everything a little easier. A 2008 trip to Cornwall seems to be on the cards, anyway.
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Give me a chance to hold on.

1.29pm Well I'm bored, and in the computer rooms at school. How many entries in my life have started like that? This year I'm determined to keep using my paper diary, so this one seems to be going down the drain. Not that it wasn't before Christmas, but I felt that was probably the most legitimate excuse. I think some people are going ice skating today, which is nice. I like having a routine, and going ice skating is more of a routine for our friendship group than just hanging around in costas. Not that I don't like doing that... I just want to get back to being Ok at skating again. My cousins go home to Brunei tomorrow and I only just realised this morning that tomorrow was the 6th January. It's really sad, they've been there for every waking second since the 9th December, and it'll be weird them not being there to make fun of me or poke me with pencils when I'm on webcam to people. But apart from that, I think I'll have a rather good weekend :) xx
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You're all I have

9.32am So as I have been persuading myself to update for at least the last 2 weeks, I suppose I should bring myself to. There have many goings-on in the world of... well, me. Let's stop it with the clichés. Basically, stuff happened. School finished, firstly. Which was a blessing really, seeing as Miss Stent (my Electronics teacher) would have maimed me if she'd looked at how little of the coursework I handed in on the deadline. But I'm currently (ahem) working to finish what I need to, so there's an improvement there. Then there was carol singing, which was fun. How could it not be? Everyone signing descants and me just trying to keep vaguely in tune. Always good. And then Becca & I went to get the money at the doors, and everyone rejected us. There were at least 5 houses in a row that didn't answer. We think they saw us coming and ran away. Zoë and Gemma's 16th was next, which was also fun (from my perspective). Perhaps it wasn't from others, but I hope I wasn't too annoying/boring/unhelpful. But hey, it looks like people will learn from it, so maybe it's good after all. And if they don't learn from it, then we have some drama-filled nights to look forward to. Yay! Then Christmas, which brings with it many presents, games (Monopoly & Risk were favourites this year) and my quiz, of course. It's a bit of a tradition now. I got a new mp3, which makes me rather happy. Of course there's the Christmas-season football, which no-one is going to mention. West Ham aren't exactly excelling this year so far. Er... Then a gathering at Susie's, which I had to leave early for posh family dinner, but which was fun nonetheless. Wink murder can never cease to be amusing. New Year's Eve was also a source of much amusement. We played hide & seek, amongst other things, and let off party poppers at midnight. Only got 3 hours sleep, but fun anyway. New Year's Day, and Susie was over to help serve drinks to the highest tier of Stock society, for my grandparents' party. We took myspace-y photos, we said "would you like a glass of sparkling white wine" (posh accents at the ready), and we giggled at the man who wore the cravat (affectionately - we love him). I went to sleep at 4pm, once it was all over, and woke up this morning, at 7.30am. So all in all, a rather good festive season for me. Same next year?
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12 days

1.04pm It scares me that it's only twelve days until Christmas. Every single year it creeps up on me without me noticing and I'm never really sure how I feel about it. That makes it sound like a complicated thing but it really isn't. I know that some people (i.e. Gemma) don't like surprises, but I love them so Christmas has lost a lot of the stuff that used to make me so excited about it. But tonight I should be ordering a new mp3, which is my Christmas present from my nan, so I can hardly be so ungrateful as to say that it doesn't make me excited to be getting that present, or others that I have. Also I realised today that it's less than a month until I have to take one of my GCSE English Language exams, because our school takes them a few months early. I know I shouldn't rely on being able to retake them, but there is slightly less pressure, because if I totally screw up I can retake them in the summer, along with everyone else, which is reassuring. But anyway, it's still scary that we have to do semi-important exams so soon, because I still see myself as having years (ok, months) until I have to start being responsible and revising and all that stuff. Eurgh. Anyway, enough of the weird scary stuff that really doesn't need to be said. I'm going to go and write really silly emails.
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Festive

1.12pm So as it's vaguely near Christmas I will take the opportunity to write a festive entry. Well perhaps not, perhaps I will just babble on as usual. Susie was talking about how many people have the link to this site now and I suppose it's true, but then I don't think I've ever been brave enough to actually write what I feel here. Perhaps on some occasions, but then I just chicken out and don't write exactly what I mean. My cousins are coming over from Brunei tomorrow and I really want to see them again, I haven't seen them since last January and I miss being able to talk to them. We're meant to be choosing our A-Levels soon and I don't really want to make the choice that I think I'll end up making. That sounds really stupid... Whatever. I am stupid when it comes to A-Levels. Bloody half a free a fortnight... Lots of tech work right now as well, but I always leave things until the day before the deadline. Which I should stop doing.
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Mocks

3.43pm Plans don't work. Gah. Tech = Ok Latin = Ew Mocks so far. I'm not even sure I can say anything, people know what exams are like. Study leave is more fun, though. Lie in tomorrow :) Still not in the right frame of mind to write an entry. Still thinking that I'm crazy. Yuck.
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Avant de

1.17pm Well we all looked sehr pretty for saree evening, even if I do say so myself. Well, I did say so myself. So there. I have a photo that my grandad's friend took, and I should be able to post that on here if he sends it to me. I've had a rather fun day today. Rawr. In fact, I'm so not in the right frame of mind to write a diary entry. I don't think I have a mind at all.
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Now who would like a cookie?

1.36pm We've been watching Madagascar at the kid's club I do at Becca's church, and it's right back in my head again :) which is a good thing, because it's makes me giggle. Alot. Sari evening tonight, which should be fun. It will be fun. We're all getting fitted and things quite early, so we'll be wandering around in sarees (as I have been told you spell it, which is sad) for aaaages. And mum said I should do my french homework while we're there, if I get any spare time. Sssssh. I'm smiling today. Good day.
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Getting a backbone

4.45pm Being honest with myself, I'm never going to get a fucking backbone. Right. Deal with life, Raz. Deal with the fucking fact that you're impossible to trust and impossible to forgive. If I could say I'm sorry without annoying people even more I would. There are some new things in my life. I would say I refuse to annoy people anymore, but I have no control over that. Firstly, I must value my friends higher. The fact that this even comes up shows how little I think of other people at all. And I need to start, because it's losing me my friendships, which actually mean quite a lot to me. Secondly, I lose the brainlessness that seems to accompany my actions half the time. You know that look, cover, write, check thing that you use to have to learn spellings by. Well now it's stop, look, think, decide. Yeah? Also, why the fuck am I writing this? To make people like me now? Too fucking late, bitch. Why does it rain on shit days? Why do I swear on shit days? Why am I always so blinded by selfishness? I was trying to revise Geography earlier but drowning in my own pathetic self-pity seemed more fun. Ok, more honesty. Susie: I'm really fucking scared of you. Haha. And I wish I had your honesty with people. They know if you're bothered with them, you have the courage to be who you are. And somehow you manage to keep on track with doing the right thing. You battle through your feelings. I pretend to be all fucking high and mighty, when really I have no faith left and I just want to leave right now. (And why oh why does Will Young have to come into my head and make me laugh now? WHY?) Gemma, Zoë: Yeah, I'm scared of you too. I'm scared of fucking everything. Honestly? I want to meet a boy who no-one knows, who likes me and I like him back. I want it to work perfectly. But Becca has that because she deserves it. Because she's nice to people. Paranoia means fuck all when it becomes reality. John 8v12 I think I might stop writing random shit now.
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Accidentally in love

Feeling: wounded
10.06pm Literally. I feel like I have rejected sitdiary recently, but I don't think that's exactly right. I'm a hypocrite and a bitch. Myspace means more than life. Why? And why do I talk in short sentences when I'm trying to be cryptic? It doesn't work. Ok :)
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Children of the revolution

5.29pm The title was random, because I got the song in my head, but now it's made me think of the poster at the back of the History room that says: "Every heart is a revolutionary cell." Except it's in German. It's from The Educators, which I really wanted to see at some point, but we never went to see it (that would be mum & me). I was feeling a bit weird earlier but I'm actually much better now, which makes no sense with the way in which things have happened. Which is fun :) Anyway... ----- I'm just tired of things not meaning anything. Tired of saying things that are forgotten the next day. Tired of being the only person who remembers the good old days as if they were yesterday. I have some of the best friends I've ever had right now, and I just can't be as happy as I should be, and I don't even know why. I swear there's something wrong with me. For one thing, I write excessively emo entries when I could be preparing bible study, which actually matters. But preparing that right now makes me think of people having fun without me, and the selfish bitch part of me rears its ugly head and I just want to curl up and sleep. I suppose I just want my mum to come home now... She makes me soup and it makes me feel better. I'm not sure my feelings even matter to me anymore. I go through the same rountine no matter how I feel, and I'm never going to remember all the stupid things that made me smile, and the stupider things that make me cry. Why do I do the things I do? I don't know anymore. I try and make myself a better person in my own strength because my faith seems to be failing me. Well, I say that, but it's getting better again now. Only because I make the effort. Schoolwork always makes me think of the grades I could get if I tried.
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Just want to get you on your own

Listening to: Kasabian - Last trip
Feeling: braindead
6.50pm Yeah, so suddenly I start to update again. It's fun, you can't deny it. So we got monitoring back today, which is our school's way of telling you how you've done. Mine was Ok, so I'm pleased with that. At least I won't get bugged by my mother for ages now :) She might be lovely but she gets mighty bothered about bad school marks. Today was rather grand to be honest. It's not as if anything fabulous happened, I just feel good for some reason. Hmm, I started the week (Saturday, so not really, but this is just to demonstrate... yeah) with about £12 credit and now I have about £6. Good progress I think. And the sad thing is I don't even know where it's gone :( I think I just text people when I get bored, and it results in spending money too quickly. However I am owed £15 for this month's credit anyway, so I'll be Ok. :)
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& what?

Listening to: Busted - 3am
Feeling: alone
1.50pm I'm only listening to Busted because I'm cool. Well, I suppose I'm balancing. Between happiness and wanting to self-destruct. No-one should ever give me advice, it just makes me feel even worse than I already did. But, hey, I suppose I 'should' be Ok. I had my bible study last night and not only did it go really well, but we agreed to have it every other week, so I can go to my other youth group on the alternate week. But for some reason it's not actually making me that happy. So there's a few people there that I want to see more of. But then there's people that make my stomach flip, in a bad way. Well, initially in a good way but then because of that it's very very bad. But I'm going to ignore those feelings because ignoring always works. Duh. I guess I'll just text people and leave them to make me smile :)
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Sometimes...

11.04am Ok, so I won't talk about things that really matter because a) hey, people don't want to/can't hear it and b) I'm in school, and it'll make me cry. Right? Er, Friday nights pretty much suck now, I'm leading this bible study group at my church, and it's been moved to Friday, which means I can't go to this youth group I usually go to. People think it's not a big deal but to me it is, I pretty much feel like everyone doesn't really care that I'm not gonna see them half the time anymore, and I guess that it makes me feel... anyway, that doesn't matter. Loads of people tell me I should give up the bible study but that's brings up a whole load of other issues that I feel like I have right now which I suppose don't really matter. Like, I don't want to give up doing it because I'd get annoyed if someone else did... I don't make sense, even to myself. I suppose I'm just being selfish all over again. And you know what? I may have totally blown it with a lot of my friendships, but I refuse to let this bug me.
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Shake your hair

Feeling: smooth
8.21am So today is West Ham's 3rd home game of the season. A season ticket is a fun thing. Brill :) I'm just having a really good time at the moment, which seems really selfish, because I was on the phone to two people last night and they were both quite upset for at least a small part of the conversation. But then in one of them we just spent ages giggling as well, and that just made me happy. -- I just had to go and have breakfast which was an amusing experience. Anyway, yesterday my mum got really angry at me for a really stupid thing I had done. I hate that feeling, because she just has this ability to make me feel so guilty. Probably because she isn't actually trying to make me feel guilty. But it all resolved itself when she came back from her bike ride so it's all Ok. I'm in the mood to dance today. :)
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I don't believe in everything I see

7.57pm I'm just irritating myself with the utter lack of work I appear to be doing. I'm so lazy it's unbelieveable. I know that lots of people are doing nice important things today that should be really lovely, but I haven't even got dressed. I've just bummed around and read all day, because reading trashy teenage books make the time go past when I think I should be doing something more important. I hate wasting time, but I do it so often. Ah well, I'll just amuse myself by leaving comments on myspace, and generally being a bit gay. It's funny how Friday nights for other people are getting completely pissed and then falling into bed at about 3am. I suppose the bedtime is the same, but for me, I go ice skating, back to a friend's house, out to a nice Christian youth group, go home, watch TV for a bit, go online, sleep. Isn't my life just so lovely? Well the answer to that would be no, actually. Basically because I tend to make things worse than they actually are, and I dramatise things. Go me! But rather than trying to fix all this stuff, I try and hide away for long enough that it will go away. What jolly good fun. :) Yesterday was a bit of a brain-stretcher. It made me think the world was all wrong, and then perhaps all right again. But all I have to do is sit down and pray, and suddenly everything is alright. Oh I wish. But you know, I'm going to try to be better at this whole thing, and I hope that I can have the courage to ask for help from the only person who could ever make the difference. -- Just a BFG :)
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In the library with the candlestick

Feeling: asleep
5.41pm Lovely, first day back at school. It was truly fabulous. :) Ok, so perhaps not, but it was nice to see friends again, there was no major coursework to hand in, and I only had two lessons. It was hardly back breaking work. Thursday is my first deadline for stuff that had to be done over the summer, discounting French things which is for tomorrow, but that's Ok, mummy can help me with that. And I should definitely stop talking about work because it's boring as anything. Well things that were a bit crap before have got a lot better. And perhaps I miss the way things were, but it's all Ok so far. And we can build on it. Er. That's about it for my first day back at school as a year 11. GCSE year. Fabulous.
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One way

10.46am It's funny how small things can make you happier than big things that are meant to be joyous. Well, perhaps. Like a conversation that settles you down a little. Or someone not caring that you're being all PMS-y. Yeah, yeah, so I do get over emotional, I wish I didn't, wish it wasn't such a cliche. But at least I've started to recognise it now. Before I just assumed all the ups and downs I was feeling were just me and my crazy head. What annoys me is when guys assume just because it's PMS it's not legitimate feelings. Perhaps they're accentuated slightly, but personally my little sobbing fits and then ultimate happiness come from things I have been feeling anyway. It's just that the things that before made me a little annoyed or upset now make me hysterical. It's not as if suddenly because of hormones your entire position on life changes. I wonder if dreams reflect anxieties a lot. I suppose they do. I wish I could show my friends know how much I love them.
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The only one I need

5.44pm I wanted to make a new entry to highlight the fact that I am in fact feeling a lot different today. What a difference a day makes. And not only am I feeling better I'm feeling positively smiley. Your grace abounds so deeply within me. So, I suppose I should say why I'm feeling this way? For one thing I did say my entries should be more positive. But if I'm honest they're always going to reflect the way I'm feeling because I'm not so good at hiding things, especially when this is the place where I'm meant to let things go a bit. I also feel a little more independant today, like I've realised it's Ok to be happy on my own, to not rely on other people. I'm a social person by nature, my emotions will depend slightly on others, but I can sit at home reading by myself and still be happy.
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