The Road
Listening to: Queen - Under Pressure
Feeling: excited

I love books. I have so many books - hundreds and hundreds of them. I have lists of hundreds more that I want to buy. I buy books compulsively - at Borders, because they're going out of business and everything is on sale; at the library, because they're 50 cents for a paperback and a dollar for a hardcover, with payment on the honor system (I always pay what's fair); at school book stores because some texts used in learning are just so interesting.

I read and read and read these days, it seems like it's all I do. If I am not reading, I am thinking about playing World of Warcraft, but I am not playing World of Warcraft, because if I did then it really would be all that I do. And I need to get a job. And I'll be doing a lot of school work. And I want to develop a social life. And I need time to read more books!

Intellectual stimulation fends off ADD. I believe this, though I do not necessarily know it to be true. But I do. It's weird. I'm pretty sure I have circumstance-dependent ADD. Things that are really interesting to me, I often remember if they are learned in an interesting, enriched contextual environment. And if that's the environment in which I aim to recall them. I hope this is the case anyway, as it will really help in university classroom discussions. Referencing other things you've read outside of class is smiled upon by professors. I think my classmates will see me as pretentious, but then, the pretentious ones will come to see me as a friend maybe. And then I'll have all manner of pretentious friends. As long as they're nice intellectual elitists and not total douchebags, that's cool.

I am really hoping I can keep my new apartment clean. I am really hoping all the thoughts and philosophy and idea-making and creativity come back to me. I'm geeking out about a literature class that uses Maus and a dystopian sci-fi novel as its texts. I hope I get into it but I also don't - I don't know what the writing requirements are like, and I'm a little scared. Last time I had an English class where we read Maus and dystopian sci-fi novels was one of the best times of my life, with one of the best teachers I have ever had. But I can't base anything on that; this is a different place and a different person.

Anyhow, hopefully it will all make sense someday.

As for other cultural phenomena (aside from university classrooms and books), I recently finished watching Joss Whedon's Firefly. I really liked the show; I'm sad that it was cancelled because millions of viewers like me couldn't figure out when it came on TV, or forgot, or missed it, and/or didn't want to jump in in the middle (though apparently they played the episodes all out of order anyway). I feel guilty for being part of the cause of its cancellation, because I would have really liked to have seen more. I haven't seen Serenity yet, and I'm a little afraid to. It's all full of sadness, so I hear, and I'm being quite bubbly today, and filled with joy and wonder and excitement and I don't want that to pass. I don't think it's all due to the show; some of it is because of the sunshine, the existence of bookstores, the Captain America movie, the various books I'm reading (Stranger in a Strange Land, The Impossible Will Take a Little While), and probably the fact that I didn't even think about WoW once today until I started writing this entry, and didn't feel homesick when I did mention it. Stepping back from an excessive activity can be refreshing.

I'm a little worried about my book purchasing behaviour though, it might be a new obsession to overtake the old.

I'm gonna see if I can break my nailbiting habit. I really hate having no fingernails, and having infected fingers and achy fingertips and bleeding spots and tattered skin. It's gross and it makes me want to bite them more, even though it won't help at all. Plus, if I had fingernails it would help me keep up my nosepicking habit, so that's a plus... I find that nosepicking, when done in private, is much less harmful and less gross than nailbiting. Also I wash my hands regularly and always carry hand sanitizer, so that helps.

My soul is tired. I have new glasses and I can see the world much more crisply (though not perfectly; I am beginning to wonder if I am no longer correctable to 20/20 vision and if I should have a going-away party for my eyesight). The moon has edges and I can see the outline of the darkside now, but it's so much smaller than it used to be.

It's almost Sarah's birthday. I haven't written here since she died... but I miss her. More than I would miss the average person. I felt a spiritual closeness and kinship with her that can only be matched in one or two places, if any. She wasn't someone I got to spend a lot of time with. I'm not sure if that makes it hurt less or more. I'm sure if I had known more of her the contrast of her not being here would be harder to take. But I would have more memories. I wouldn't be grasping at straws. She would be 21 on Tuesday. I'm going to have to do something to honor her. I have work also, and I think it's Eid. Going to be a crazy night. I'll have to get up early. Start drinking early. I hate when things fall on inconvenient days.

I want to go back to sleep but my mind feels so alive.

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