Fukker
Listening to: Nightwish - Dead Boy's Poem
Feeling: slothful

My right arm says "fuck off"

I suppose that's because Jeremy's left arm said fuck off, and that was the last thing I'd seen written on an arm before I decided to defile myself with a piece of broken glass.

Defile doesn't mean anything sexual, look it up you immature prick.

Last night... Last night was bad. I wanted to drop out of existence. But that's not possible. So I tried to cut myself. Couldn't break the skin again. So I just took the damn piece of what had been the shade of my light fixture before I accidentally broke it (( and got yelled at for it, as with everything else I do )) and started stabbing it into the back of my left arm.

A few minutes later, connected some dots because they were pretty.

Then it evolved into half spreading blood around, half carving the words "the end" into my arm...

Some random scratches and cuts...

A couple random lines on my right arm...

Fuck off on my right arm...

The realization that I would need an excuse for the cuts that were clearly visible on my hand...

So I picked up another piece of glass (so as to keep the one I had just used) from the lampshade and carved my symbol onto my left leg to get more blood, and put some on the bottom of my pillow, and some onto the other piece of glass.

So... yeah.

The Fuck off won't go away for quite a while. Hopefully it will fade enough before the sun starts being out.

Hopefully it will fade...

I'm probably permanently scarred. Things don't fade from my skin easily...

Oh, I also used some incense to burn myself... But only one of them left a blister...

Damn. I hope I don't have to walk around for my whole adult life with "fuck off" on my arm. It's in all capitals too.

"Slowburn" by The Beautiful Mistake is a really cool song. It's just a bunch of background noise/music and it's fairly creepy. I love it.

Well, I've reached my self-injury quota for... ever. Heh. Anyway...

I don't know. I want to die but that would be selfish and stupid.

On the bright side, when I got online again for the first time in days (dial-up is practically not worth it), I had 3 emails waiting for me from someone who wasn't just trying to sell me oxycontin or viagra, and wasn't a form-letter, chain-mail, or newsletter.

It made me feel better about how much life generally sucks.

"There's nothing anymore." ~ staticlullaby

Eh. I'll end with that quote.

~ Beth (Rhymes-With-Death)

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Comments
Holy shit, sounds like you are going through some tough stuff. You are so much stronger than me. In more ways than one. I'm here for you.
--Steph
[anonymous (69.138.156.99)]
my eyes are itchy but that doesnt make my love for you lessen

i have to live the rest of my life with FUCK on my left arm, 'cos it refuses to fade
[wereover]
hey. you seem really.. cool?
nice diary.
[withxguilt]
I love that song; Dead Boy's Poem. Sorry, I can't think of anything more interesting to say. ;_;
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Entry List
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morbid and persistent thoughts
X
uncertainty
I've Never Met an Ellen I...
How can you crave a drug...
Consent
Rambling nonsense
Social normz
Childhood Trauma Blues
Prediction
A funny thing
Goals to achieve before ten...
Coming out letter
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I swear, it was beautiful
Musings.
Detaching from Reality
Growth, so-called maturity,...
Amanda Palmer and Windstorms
Slow-Wave Sleep
Jingle Jangle
The Road
Emails, Blogs, Ephemera.
Naptime
Insomnia, Nausea, Head Trauma
Naptime
It seems like every time
It seems like every time
The Best And Worst Night of...
Insomnia Time
too tired to think of one.
Sweet dreams and flying...
Thank God it's Memorial Friday
Getting Back In Touch...
My dead end
Keep it to yourself
Boo, Hiss
Hover
I want to cry
Headaches
Still Anxious
Cakebeans
blank
Remind me to recommend this
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No-go on the cloves :(
Dreams...
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Ngwawgh
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I can't take this.
Whee, Killswitch...
It helps me breathe when I...
blank
No more faith in humanity
Glaaaarg
Today
Horus the Chorus
mommy's alright, daddy's...
Figured I might as well post...
I feel unwanted.
notes to self
fuuuuuuck (lunchtime)
Mmm, Disturbed
Hi Joey...........or whoever
This time I think it could be...
funny how you return to old...
blank
Notes to Self
Decade Day.
Tears from Australia
pencil erasers and football...
*clears throat*
cucarachbe?
timetimetime
Fizzy Love
Tell Me This Is All...
Bookworm
Re: Katrinam
I'd thought... but only a...
It seems that way, doesn't it?
No One Understands
More love for the school...
Tired Ramble
I'm...
Haha, yey
Soulmate Inquiries
Ugh
Old Scars Still Bleed??
Impaled by sense
Yeah...
End Transmission
pathetic whimpering quiz
blank
B&S
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my response to the anonymous...
blank
Spiritual Night
Boys Make Me Feel Good About...
I know you all have it
Show me what this life is all...
Eight Days Gone Is Good
Won't you dance with me?
Thought I'd something more to...
Inhale
I had a thought but then I...
Heart
I'm only gonna say this...
Embarking on another...
Nolan = Cute Boy ^_^ (but...
Turtles
Yeah. Emo Rant Time.
Today
I've been upgraded
...
A Story I made up talking to...
Still emo after all these...
I'm Reposting A Quiz
I hate everyone
Parents, Police, and other...
Eventful Sunday
Let's Play Master And Servant...
Boys Are Cute but Girls are...
Fukker
filler entry
Oh Shit, Perhaps?
My Two Cents You'll Never Get
DRUGS ARE BAD
I am Stalker Girl
Blind Date
All my anger, all my pain,...
blahbastardblah
Pathetic am I?
Meh
private entry...
Private entry...
Drowning in my shit
...
Empty throat lump
lost verbal ability
Well then
I miss my watch
Nintendo Fusion tour rocks.
Dannie is a Sexie Pixie
Another day could never be as...
Two Important Things
...
Fuckin' A
actual diary entry unlike...
No Smoking.
BUMBER MOTHER FUCKING SHOOT
Watching the Milk get Warm
Teens - this is a call to...
I'm losing substance...
HaHa!
blank
Some things I can't explain...
A lot has happened in the...
Quiz, part 2
Vague but true
HOLY SHIT IT'S A QUIZ
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I post lyrics, for once
A World Shaded In Dark Blue
Felt Like Updating...
Secrets in my garden shed...
No One Cares
BRAIN TRANSPLANT! WHOO!
Mushy boyfriend bs session
My new diary...
See top left
*tears*
despondence...
For Jacqueline (1807)
Complications
Hurt By The Cold
Sleep Deprivation
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Back To Old Defaults
Birthday Party
Quest to find inner peace...
I AM THE WALRUS
Happy
As if my own problems weren't...
Alone and Overburdened
I love how these things just...
Holy Inspiration.
Was going to post a quiz, but...
...
The Way I Write
I hate what I am
Night Time
Quiz Type Thing
My Clicker Isn't Working
Poem, Draft # 326
Dammit
Driftwood...
My Poetry
Nooses, knives, and other...
My Own Fault
Registration...
Quizzes
Music
New Layout...
Can't Wait to Die
HOLY FLAMING FUCK
32 is the evil number
Cut Off
Hellish Night
I spell knife knofe.
My Shoulder Itches
I don't update enough
Last few days...
Mweef
*tear*
Grrf
Fssshhh.
What the Hell?!
Purely A Quote
221 post(s)