Parents, Police, and other People No One Likes
Listening to: Better Than Ezra - Beautiful Mistake
Feeling: angry

Today was my fake birthday. I am fakely 18 now. Yay.

I want to watch Garden State, or listen to the soundtrack and fade away into the pure white room Andrew Largeman wakes up in at the beginning of the film.

I want to be British and start actually using the word film instead of movie, and spell theater "theatre."

I want my grandmother to stop taking away privileges that aren't really privileges, but have become necessities to keep, if not my life, then at least my sanity, intact.

I wish I could be the perfect person I always pictured myself being, never sinning and always loving God, praying to Jesus and being like "Him" and never questioning the world as viewed through my "faith" that had been so wonderfully taught to me.

I wish things could be that simple, black and white, right and right, nothing's wrong sweetheart, go to sleep.

I wish I was really good at playing guitar, or piano, or something - so good I could just play, and disappear into the music I create, letting it flow through me like some electric current.

I wish I could be poetic.

Some people, when they are depressed, get this soft, sad, delicate beauty that inspires you to comfort them, to cradle them in your arms and make their world a better place. I get that, but only inwardly. I let it out in writing, I try to make music, I speak in ways that express the anguish that is the struggle of living.

Some people, when they get depressed, find no release, no escape, and in their bitterness simply try to take this from others, pulling slowly away at the fibers that hold their lives together, so that everyone can feel the bitter agony that they feel.

I can only pray that I will never be that way. And work very hard never to become that person who I have come to fear and loathe to such a degree.

I can only pray that I will become a better person than I am, so as to no longer be a part of the cause of that kind of depression, to give no reason for her to aim her bitterness and sorrow at me, to walk away blameless, knowing that I have been wronged. It isn't poetic if there is dirt on both sides.

Pray for me, friends, that I may become a perfect person as I always had envisioned it: tolerant, loving, hopeful, faithful, peaceful, and blameless.

Innocent, perhaps, but always blameless.

~ I find that I am no longer angry

~ Having worked out the meaning of this feeling

~ I find that I was only angry at myself

~ And now I am sorry

~ Grandma, know that I am sorry

I'm going to go pray, something I haven't done in a long time but somehow still works for me when I do resort to it, regardless of my lack of any distinguishable form of faith.

Thank you for reading, I hope you have gained something from it as I have.

~ Beth

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Comments
hello
You are wonderful, and I love this entry to bits.
Will someone tell me if/why my new layout isn't showing up???

It's really pissing me off. I posted a new background/top left and everything.

Grr.
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Entry List
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morbid and persistent thoughts
X
uncertainty
I've Never Met an Ellen I...
How can you crave a drug...
Consent
Rambling nonsense
Social normz
Childhood Trauma Blues
Prediction
A funny thing
Goals to achieve before ten...
Coming out letter
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I swear, it was beautiful
Musings.
Detaching from Reality
Growth, so-called maturity,...
Amanda Palmer and Windstorms
Slow-Wave Sleep
Jingle Jangle
The Road
Emails, Blogs, Ephemera.
Naptime
Insomnia, Nausea, Head Trauma
Naptime
It seems like every time
It seems like every time
The Best And Worst Night of...
Insomnia Time
too tired to think of one.
Sweet dreams and flying...
Thank God it's Memorial Friday
Getting Back In Touch...
My dead end
Keep it to yourself
Boo, Hiss
Hover
I want to cry
Headaches
Still Anxious
Cakebeans
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Remind me to recommend this
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No-go on the cloves :(
Dreams...
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Ngwawgh
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I can't take this.
Whee, Killswitch...
It helps me breathe when I...
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No more faith in humanity
Glaaaarg
Today
Horus the Chorus
mommy's alright, daddy's...
Figured I might as well post...
I feel unwanted.
notes to self
fuuuuuuck (lunchtime)
Mmm, Disturbed
Hi Joey...........or whoever
This time I think it could be...
funny how you return to old...
blank
Notes to Self
Decade Day.
Tears from Australia
pencil erasers and football...
*clears throat*
cucarachbe?
timetimetime
Fizzy Love
Tell Me This Is All...
Bookworm
Re: Katrinam
I'd thought... but only a...
It seems that way, doesn't it?
No One Understands
More love for the school...
Tired Ramble
I'm...
Haha, yey
Soulmate Inquiries
Ugh
Old Scars Still Bleed??
Impaled by sense
Yeah...
End Transmission
pathetic whimpering quiz
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B&S
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my response to the anonymous...
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Spiritual Night
Boys Make Me Feel Good About...
I know you all have it
Show me what this life is all...
Eight Days Gone Is Good
Won't you dance with me?
Thought I'd something more to...
Inhale
I had a thought but then I...
Heart
I'm only gonna say this...
Embarking on another...
Nolan = Cute Boy ^_^ (but...
Turtles
Yeah. Emo Rant Time.
Today
I've been upgraded
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A Story I made up talking to...
Still emo after all these...
I'm Reposting A Quiz
I hate everyone
Parents, Police, and other...
Eventful Sunday
Let's Play Master And Servant...
Boys Are Cute but Girls are...
Fukker
filler entry
Oh Shit, Perhaps?
My Two Cents You'll Never Get
DRUGS ARE BAD
I am Stalker Girl
Blind Date
All my anger, all my pain,...
blahbastardblah
Pathetic am I?
Meh
private entry...
Private entry...
Drowning in my shit
...
Empty throat lump
lost verbal ability
Well then
I miss my watch
Nintendo Fusion tour rocks.
Dannie is a Sexie Pixie
Another day could never be as...
Two Important Things
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Fuckin' A
actual diary entry unlike...
No Smoking.
BUMBER MOTHER FUCKING SHOOT
Watching the Milk get Warm
Teens - this is a call to...
I'm losing substance...
HaHa!
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Some things I can't explain...
A lot has happened in the...
Quiz, part 2
Vague but true
HOLY SHIT IT'S A QUIZ
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I post lyrics, for once
A World Shaded In Dark Blue
Felt Like Updating...
Secrets in my garden shed...
No One Cares
BRAIN TRANSPLANT! WHOO!
Mushy boyfriend bs session
My new diary...
See top left
*tears*
despondence...
For Jacqueline (1807)
Complications
Hurt By The Cold
Sleep Deprivation
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Back To Old Defaults
Birthday Party
Quest to find inner peace...
I AM THE WALRUS
Happy
As if my own problems weren't...
Alone and Overburdened
I love how these things just...
Holy Inspiration.
Was going to post a quiz, but...
...
The Way I Write
I hate what I am
Night Time
Quiz Type Thing
My Clicker Isn't Working
Poem, Draft # 326
Dammit
Driftwood...
My Poetry
Nooses, knives, and other...
My Own Fault
Registration...
Quizzes
Music
New Layout...
Can't Wait to Die
HOLY FLAMING FUCK
32 is the evil number
Cut Off
Hellish Night
I spell knife knofe.
My Shoulder Itches
I don't update enough
Last few days...
Mweef
*tear*
Grrf
Fssshhh.
What the Hell?!
Purely A Quote
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