Heart
Listening to: 10000 Maniacs - Jezebel

I just realized this cd was due back at the library today. Oh well.

I had a stressful week last week. I ended up cutting myself one night, but it was only so I could drink blood. I'm not into masochism. I need a masochist boyfriend though... heh.

Just now (after writing that) I'd like to add, or girlfriend. I had a daydream about this one girl I kind of know but not really. I just know she's cool and into bondage, and a hardcore lesbian. Which would rock for me... I'm not attracted to her though, she reminds me of myself too much. And she sort of moved away anyway. Not too far, but too far for me to casually get to know her.

My background picture is looking sort of blue to me tonight.

Grey tends to fade to blue, and all the colors fade to grey...

Everything in nature regulates itself, I suppose.

I was tired and about to go to bed at 9pm when I realized I had homework. So I started talking to myself then got online. I was going to get off, but was drawn to sitdiary.

I have been so utterly uncreative since ... about the beginning of this year, or perhaps even this school year.

I am a beautiful person with a "dark" kinky side.

I can't even share the next bit I wanted to say, because it's too personal for a bloody diary. Now I'm the most open and honest sane person in the world, and yet somehow the sexual deviance taboo still affects me.

Yes, life is odd.

Thursday I wrote a letter to my social studies teacher because he seemed overstressed about school and such. Friday he thanked me for it and said my advice to take a break, soak in the warmth of the sun, and focus on the good in life was good advice. Saturday I found myself overstressed about school - a social studies project.

It wasn't until that night that I decided to take my own advice and do something easier, that I would do well at, than a harder and more instantly impressive but less good project.

I'm kind of crying now, because of the good music, the happiness of the little stressful irony, and the bittersweetness of it all in that I'll have to go to school tomorrow and have yet to finish the homework.

Mostly for the beauty of the world.

It's the only thing that's really powerful enough to make me sincerely cry.

The worst ever rhyming haiku that thinks it's good:

Why would you be mad

Why would you ever be sad

When you can be glad

:)

I think it's cute and dumb.

On another note, Morgan=alt+0134,shift+comma,3,r

Which is a really stupid geeky way to say she got confirmed as a Christian after youth group tonight. Sadly, I wasn't there to see her. I went to a family friend's kid's birthday party.

I revisited the tire-swing that gave me such great memories in my youth, and it wasn't the same. It wasn't night time, raining from one side with pure black, half-moon and stars on the other. There wasn't good music booming forth from the sound system and smores roasting over the fire pit. It wasn't a small gathering of people there to be calm, or have a bit of fun going down the zip line.

I guess things change. The tireswing has deteriorated with time, it can no longer hold its form beneath my weight. There's no fence there anymore for me to crash into, but somehow I also can't push myself as high anymore, even though I'm not taller.

I don't know quite where I live in my dream-world...

Everyone at the party I went to was Christian. The men were discussing church and beer brands, the women church and their kids. The kids themselves were climbing trees on the acre and a half out back...

Right Now makes me feel good

HAL 9000 0wnZ U: What's up?

streetmusician23: Listening to Natalie Merchant and writing

streetmusician23: I'm getting back to myself.

streetmusician23: While everyone else turns Christian and away from everything they are.

HAL 9000 0wnZ U: Oh, yes, I agree.

HAL 9000 0wnZ U: Turning Christian is a way of quashing your own creativity.

streetmusician23: No

streetmusician23: It just happens to have that effect

streetmusician23: It's a way of fitting in, and finding security

streetmusician23: Which I guess can be good.

streetmusician23: But I never want to have any kind of security.

HAL 9000 0wnZ U: No, neither do I, to tell the truth.

streetmusician23: Life's not life if you have all the answers....

This is getting too long. I'll come back later with more of my thoughts on everything. I just have to clear my head at the moment.

Thanks for letting me ramble, feel free to comment on it :)

~ Beth

PS. I'm not really smiling that much.

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nice diary hun ♥
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Entry List
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morbid and persistent thoughts
X
uncertainty
I've Never Met an Ellen I...
How can you crave a drug...
Consent
Rambling nonsense
Social normz
Childhood Trauma Blues
Prediction
A funny thing
Goals to achieve before ten...
Coming out letter
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I swear, it was beautiful
Musings.
Detaching from Reality
Growth, so-called maturity,...
Amanda Palmer and Windstorms
Slow-Wave Sleep
Jingle Jangle
The Road
Emails, Blogs, Ephemera.
Naptime
Insomnia, Nausea, Head Trauma
Naptime
It seems like every time
It seems like every time
The Best And Worst Night of...
Insomnia Time
too tired to think of one.
Sweet dreams and flying...
Thank God it's Memorial Friday
Getting Back In Touch...
My dead end
Keep it to yourself
Boo, Hiss
Hover
I want to cry
Headaches
Still Anxious
Cakebeans
blank
Remind me to recommend this
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No-go on the cloves :(
Dreams...
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Ngwawgh
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I can't take this.
Whee, Killswitch...
It helps me breathe when I...
blank
No more faith in humanity
Glaaaarg
Today
Horus the Chorus
mommy's alright, daddy's...
Figured I might as well post...
I feel unwanted.
notes to self
fuuuuuuck (lunchtime)
Mmm, Disturbed
Hi Joey...........or whoever
This time I think it could be...
funny how you return to old...
blank
Notes to Self
Decade Day.
Tears from Australia
pencil erasers and football...
*clears throat*
cucarachbe?
timetimetime
Fizzy Love
Tell Me This Is All...
Bookworm
Re: Katrinam
I'd thought... but only a...
It seems that way, doesn't it?
No One Understands
More love for the school...
Tired Ramble
I'm...
Haha, yey
Soulmate Inquiries
Ugh
Old Scars Still Bleed??
Impaled by sense
Yeah...
End Transmission
pathetic whimpering quiz
blank
B&S
blank
my response to the anonymous...
blank
Spiritual Night
Boys Make Me Feel Good About...
I know you all have it
Show me what this life is all...
Eight Days Gone Is Good
Won't you dance with me?
Thought I'd something more to...
Inhale
I had a thought but then I...
Heart
I'm only gonna say this...
Embarking on another...
Nolan = Cute Boy ^_^ (but...
Turtles
Yeah. Emo Rant Time.
Today
I've been upgraded
...
A Story I made up talking to...
Still emo after all these...
I'm Reposting A Quiz
I hate everyone
Parents, Police, and other...
Eventful Sunday
Let's Play Master And Servant...
Boys Are Cute but Girls are...
Fukker
filler entry
Oh Shit, Perhaps?
My Two Cents You'll Never Get
DRUGS ARE BAD
I am Stalker Girl
Blind Date
All my anger, all my pain,...
blahbastardblah
Pathetic am I?
Meh
private entry...
Private entry...
Drowning in my shit
...
Empty throat lump
lost verbal ability
Well then
I miss my watch
Nintendo Fusion tour rocks.
Dannie is a Sexie Pixie
Another day could never be as...
Two Important Things
...
Fuckin' A
actual diary entry unlike...
No Smoking.
BUMBER MOTHER FUCKING SHOOT
Watching the Milk get Warm
Teens - this is a call to...
I'm losing substance...
HaHa!
blank
Some things I can't explain...
A lot has happened in the...
Quiz, part 2
Vague but true
HOLY SHIT IT'S A QUIZ
blank
I post lyrics, for once
A World Shaded In Dark Blue
Felt Like Updating...
Secrets in my garden shed...
No One Cares
BRAIN TRANSPLANT! WHOO!
Mushy boyfriend bs session
My new diary...
See top left
*tears*
despondence...
For Jacqueline (1807)
Complications
Hurt By The Cold
Sleep Deprivation
blank
Back To Old Defaults
Birthday Party
Quest to find inner peace...
I AM THE WALRUS
Happy
As if my own problems weren't...
Alone and Overburdened
I love how these things just...
Holy Inspiration.
Was going to post a quiz, but...
...
The Way I Write
I hate what I am
Night Time
Quiz Type Thing
My Clicker Isn't Working
Poem, Draft # 326
Dammit
Driftwood...
My Poetry
Nooses, knives, and other...
My Own Fault
Registration...
Quizzes
Music
New Layout...
Can't Wait to Die
HOLY FLAMING FUCK
32 is the evil number
Cut Off
Hellish Night
I spell knife knofe.
My Shoulder Itches
I don't update enough
Last few days...
Mweef
*tear*
Grrf
Fssshhh.
What the Hell?!
Purely A Quote
221 post(s)