Boys Make Me Feel Good About Myself
Listening to: Switchfoot... heh.
Feeling: elated

Names changed to protect the other party. This conversation was in total confidence between us.

ME: Want to exchange stupidest emotional moments?

HIM: sure

ME: okay

ME: ...I've got two.

HIM: I don't really know what fits into the catagory... could you elaborate?

ME: Hmm... a really bad night which involves any kind of self-destructive or in any way destructive behavior caused by emotions and later regretted.

ME: Or laughed at.

HIM: oh, I've got many

ME: I can think of one in particular in the last few months.

HIM: The most recent one for me was yesterday

ME: Pray tell

HIM: Well, my mother is bi-polar. She's never around, and she's the only person I have for family. My mother left my father when I was three because he was an abusive piece of shit. (Sorry about the language) Anyways, after I came home last night, she left and didn't come home until this morning, and I was left to watch my step brother and step sister, who are 5 and 6 years old. Combine how much she hurts me, and how stressful it is to watch kids from 11 pm to 7 am the next morning... I cut myself, albeit lightly, but enough to feel it, and I smoked more cigarettes than I would have in a normal day.

HIM: Tell me that isn't stupid, eh?

ME: It is

ME: Not as stupid as my night in January

ME: or... February?

HIM: yep, but I'm weak minded and I love easy ways out

ME: Heh

HIM: oh, go on

ME: I had a bad couple weeks, grades going down, schizophrenic/alcoholic mom getting on my nerves with "Oh honey it's my last beer ever I promise," angry grandmother trying to make me clean my room. I broke the glass cover for my bedroom's light fixture on accident. Later, with utter disregard for future appearances, I used the pieces to carve "FUCK OFF" into my right arm. It's still there.

HIM: You don't know how much that relates to me... its almost surprising

HIM: my mother is an absolute alcoholic

HIM: she's promised me on many occasions, including birthdays, that she would quit and that drink would be her last. To this day, she comes home piss drunk and leaving me to sleep at the front door to make sure she doesn't leave and hurt herself. It hurts so much to force my mom, who's drunk off her ass, into bed and make sure everything's alright. And my grandma, she's just like my mom, and since we're asian, they tend to have VERY BAD tempers, and she yells at me constantly to do this and that, and always tell me I'm a mistake, I'm not good enough or whatever, and my grandma and my mom were the basic foundations to my weak emotional tolerance..

ME: Heh

ME: Damn I suck at saying things right away. Always some filler or stupid nothingness.

HIM: I'm surprised I'm even telling you this. Normally it would take me ages to trust someone with these deep things.

ME: It might help that you don't actually know me, or that you do in a weird way.

HIM: But, I'm already opening up to you

HIM: oh no, thats fine. I would love to get to know you. Online, and offline as well. I would be much better off with a friend that understands me, you know? On a much deeper level.

ME: Yeah...

ME: I've always tried to go with friends that have similar issues and problems as me, but they rarely work out. Too much drug abuse and anger issues among fucked-up-kids like me.

HIM: I don't think you're that way at all. Once you get to know me, I'm a pretty nice guy, specially to people I connect with, you know? I'd love to be your friend.

ME: Cool

ME: Yeah, I know that you're cool because... I have a good feeling about it.

HIM: thanks.

HIM: I mean, at times I may come off as cold, aggressive, ignorant, or whatnot, but deep down I'm still intent on being your friend. Most of my friends don't understand that its human nature to vent, to feel anger, even rage. But to people who can look past that, people like you, I feel more comfortable and I can be myself around you.

ME: Yeah, I can understand that.

ME: And I'm generally pretty forgiving when people have aggressive moments. One of my best friends decided one day that she was going to isolate herself and never talk to me again. I sent her an email every 2 weeks or so saying I loved her and after about a year she finally talked back thanked me for keeping her from suicide.

ME: (and yeah, that was kind of bragging... I do that and should stop)

HIM: oh no, don't stop. I respect that, and I respect you for being there for your friends. You're a good person. I hate it how most people can't look past the image one has on the outside, and see that deep down, they have compassion. That we're not just depressed emo kids who sulk all day.

I know I promised a Warped Tour entry, but it really wasn't that interesting. I just drank a lot of beer and met a really cool hippie who I WILL write about - trust me, that memory will never fade.

~ Paz

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