hey happy holidays to all! nothing new...... report cards came i did good...failed one class (music)..... and well yea mostly everythings been same old......

HiIiI! lol so yea its thanksgiving today...happy thnxgiving to all! nothing too major to talk about.... guys are jerks but thats already obvious so yea no need to go into detail about that topic.... uhm yea feeling kinda confused and cold and lonely-ish, and tense and too much more... =[ school is going ok not bad but not great either.... i hate the feeling that there are so many ppl willing to listen to me yet noone that i trust enough to talk to about certain things... =[ =[ =[

that song is fucken awsome!! back from greece and it was so awsome! i was a good girl and i had probably two cigs thruout the whole summer! =] but i just had one =[ i made a promise to someone that i wouldnt smoke again but promises were meant to be broken just the way that someone never kept their promise. and i find out that the guy i like(d) w/e i dont know anymore made out with this grl that all she does is get down on guys and thats so gross! he makes out with her then god knows and then my friend then me! ewwww! =[ =[ =[ =[ =[ im sooooooo grossed out and well ugh man shit lately is unbelievable! one day he likes me the next he doesnt and the harder i try to get over him and forget about him the harder it is =[ well for now thats it but promises were always and always will be made to be broken...

i have bio regents tomorrow and the most fucked up shit ever just happened. i swear my hands are all shaky. im so nervous about my test and about wats gonna happen. ok well heres wat happnd..... a while back ago my friend came over and she wanted to borrow some clothes so of course i couldnt say no. so w/e we went thru my closet and she took a HUGEEEEEEE bag full of clothes. most of the bag was summer stuff and we were in like feb or march. i was like uh im leaving for vacation nd im gonna want my stuff back u cant keep them she goes oh yea np ull get them back. she took OVERRR $200 worth of clothes. she took my fave pair of sweats, a pair of pink $75 jeans that were hand sewn from brazil, a super cute pink top and so many more tank tops and other stuff. when she left and my mom saw that bag that she left with my mom flipppped out. to be the good friend that i was i covered her ass and i was like nah ma shes gonna give them back. well weve grown apart since then. she started hanging out with dif ppl and so did i. so last nite i decided to IM her and ask her for my things back since in going on vacation for two months and im leaving in a week and a half. but ya know im such a shit talker i cant even do that. so she started with me about how im a crappy friend and all of that nonsense. so then today i was online all happy nd w/e and she or someone from her sn ims me and starts calling me a cunt rag, a slut, a this a that and i was just like ok w/e. considering all i got called i was totally calm about it. so i called my best bud up and told her wat happnd she goes ill fix their ass so she went online on this sn noone has and shes just jealous that i started hanging out with new ppl. i dont care b/c the ppl that she hangs out with are arrogant, self centered jerkoffs. and the grls are cheap sluts. so w/e she just wants to keep calling me a fat cunt rag let her i really dont care. i know im a dumbass for giving her my clothes but i mean i never imagined things to become like this...:- the ironic part to all this is how she kept complaining about wat a bad friend i am and how i just played her and a bunch of bs like that meanwhile when she found out she had a heart problem she told me, how before school one day when she came over she started crying because she found out her dad started his old drinking habits and beat her mom and siblings and they dont live here they live in greece, she cried on my shoulders...literally. i hugged her i comforted her by telling her everythings gonna be alright when it wasnt. we just became further apart. now there are two or three ppl that i can trust with my life and i know that if i fall theyll be behind me to catch me, when im all broken up there gonna be broken up with me and were gonna put the pieces back together. at this point i honestly dont care i just want my clothes back before i go...i dont care wat i have to go thru to get them cuz i will do w/e it takes. i sounds so damn stupid that im going thru all this trouble for clothes but im so damn possessive when it comes to MY things it truly isnt funny. anyways i have to read some more bio info, get my stuff ready for tomorrow and pray that i pass........

i have to stop this habit of updating a few days then not updating for days or weeks or months. omg i finallyyyyyy did something with that guy from my previous entry. to give an idea of how i felt read the lyrics to the song everytime we touch by cascada its techno-ish..well im not even sure wat it is but here are the lyrics anyways: I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me I still feel your touch in my dreams Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why Without you it's hard to survive 'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last Need you by my side 'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static And everytime we kiss I reach for the sky Can't you hear my heart beat so I can't let you go Want you in my life Your arms are my castle Your heart is my sky They wipe away tears that I cry The good and the bad times We've been through them all You make me rise when I fall 'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last Need you by my side 'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static And everytime we kiss I reach for the sky Can't you hear my heart beat so I can't let you go Want you in my life 'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last Need you by my side ok well yea something like that...ok so he came over and he tried to "fix my computer" well that was the reason we gave out parents for him to come over. ok so after an hr or so we joked around and well yea i sat on his lap. i was being such a bitch and ignoring him while he has his arms around me and all this. he was being allll lovey dovey and i melted...literally...i honestly dont noe how i didnt just turn around and make out with him all night. i was playing solitare on my comp while on his lap and his arms were around me, all over me and well yea and he kept telling me to exit b/c "WE had better things to do" hmm i wonder lol so eventually i did and we made out for like 2 mins and then i pulled back and we just lay in eachothers arms till my doorbell rang. we were both like FUKKKKK lol. then i came back up and was like uh things are gonna be really wierd b/w us and he goes yea i was just thinking about that. so then the following day he told me he was gonna go out wit some grl and i got upset but w/e. then i asked him if he knew he was gonna go out with her why he even bothered with me his answer was oh its not like i planned it or anything and how it was just in the moment thats y it happnd and just stuff like that. with him its like he could be the nicest guy on the face of this planet and other days he could be the biggest jerkoff ever! the thing that ive only told one person since the kiss is why he did it? all these feelings came thru me when it happnd. my whole body went numb. it were as if time had stopped and it was just us. i wanna ask him if he got any feeling but i dont wanna get let down or anything. i wanna ask him if he kissed me b/c he still might have ANY feelings what-so-ever for me. but i cant. everytime i try to i choke up. and especially now that he has a gf. i cant ask him anything now. i want him to be happy i really do. when im with another guy he gets jealous or at least seems it. when hes with another grl, wat am i supposed to do? i cant do anything but tell him to go for it. my friend always told me that i liked the chase of getting a guy more than i liked the guy himself. this time tho, i got my kiss, i got my cuddling, i got wat i wanted, but i didnt want it to end....

i have a dilmma and its killing me on the inside... bout a yr or so ago, i went out with this guy and we went out for about 2ish months. i was his first gf. he was shy. i was full of myself. so nothing happend. at all! no holding hands no kiss absolutely nothin! i got tired of the nothingness so i hooked up with a friend of his. nothing more then a lil making out went on but still. by the following day our whole grade found out and of course i became the grade slut. we broke up after that and not too long after he went out with a VERY close friend of mine. the one that hooked us up...and well she did the same thing i did with the same guy. the only difference is that she made out with that guy in front of my ex. they broke up and they got back together. after that me and him started talking again. we became best of friends. he was there for me whenever i needed him and i was there for him whenever he needed me. he wa there for me thru my "difficult" times. i talked to him about my parents' divorce and how i truly felt about my parents and i have never talked to anyone about them...thats how close we became and still are. but the question that keeps goin thru my mind is how come she got a second chance and i didnt? if i ask him that im afraid im gonna screw up our friendship. but if i dont ask him, then im never gonna know what could have been.... i hate this feeling. when someone asks me for advice i tell them and in most cases it turns out good but why cant i ever give myself advice? when he used to tell me that he loved me id just say ok uh yea me2 now that i tell him that i mean it but he just thinks i mean it in a friendly way....if only he knew how much he meant to me and of course i realize this when i lost him. if anything happened to him my world would come crashing. i love him as a friend and as more... =[ ....our friendship is what keeps me from doing anymore stupid shit. i wouldnt want to jeopordize it in any way but well never know......... tomorrow makes a yr that ive been on sitDiary! w00t w00t lol

omg i havent been on in forever! im finally on w00t lol. still nothing with deli boy ::sniffle:: just a little flirting but eh nothing much. im sick and its my second day home :) hmmm well alotttts happend in the past well LONGGGG time that i havent updated. well.... i was hanging out with that grl hoanna is her new name...and she was telling me all this crap about my best friend (guy i like(d) i dont even know anymore) and well i never told him and one day she just really pissed me off so i called him and told him everything she said and well he called her and told her i told him all that crap and she got mad at me and went online on his sn and told me off lovely. i ended up in tears for like two hrs crying hysterically. and then the following day i saw both of them cuz we had this school thing to go to. i ended up not talking to either of them. o well... me and him ended up talking again. we talk were close but b/c he fucked me over lovely im gonna keep reminding him about it. and whenever i do he feels bad but i felt even worse so i really dont care. hmmmm.... im not really that close with my two so called best friends anymore but o well cuz my old best friend and me are once again best pals....bout a yr or 2 or so we got into a fight but after that i realized she never fucked me over or anything so we made up and were best pals again. me and this other grl that were super close bout 2-3 yrs ago are again super close lol. we have eachothers backs for w/e.... what else? oh yeaaa....boys! lol well no bf but my friends sisters ex bf and me almost went out but didnt cuz i didnt wanna go out with him cuz well eh idc just didnt want to. at first he was oh so good now its just like uh leave me alone! we never saw eachother outside of school. hes 17ish and well im no longer interested. thats been goin on for bout the past 3-4 weeks i dont even know...hes boring and i need a bf!!! uhh school!....well i failed 3 classes. my moms transfering me to a private school which i call a hoe house cuz of the grls that go there. they wear there skirts so that it barely covers their ass and they wear thongs and when they bend over their ass is hanging out and thats just gross! i dont wanna be one of them! after i failed 3 classes my mom said no nothing for me...no hanging out, no phone no this no that....there was a fair this past weekend bout 15 mins away from me and i went with my mom cousins and friend and then my mom dropped me and my friend at a cafe were we met up with like 10 other ppl and went back to the fair and met up with other ppl and my mom picked me up at 11ish and the following day i heard it lovely but w/e idc....like 13 more days of school left and june 22 im taking my biology regents...what fun thats gonna be! ((sarcasm)) and in b/w all of this no smoking or cutting for me w00t w00t!!! lol i cant think of anything else major thats happened but if anything does ill be sure to update ! byee!!

the past two/three weeks ive been going to his deli like place and the hottest guy works there. he seems about 16/17, has dirty blonde hair and like hazel eyes if im not mistaking. he is sooo hott and two best things is that 1 my mom knows his parents :) and 2 hes grk :) today i went in there w/ my cousins and i placed my order and then my cousins kept opening the fridge to get something to drink and just left it open and i kept talking to them in grk and then my little cousin was like can i get this and i was like get w/e u want and then she was like no its ok i was liek get w/e u want but today in grk and he was like yea not tomorrow in grk and looked over and smiled at me and i was blushing like crazy! then the other few times that ive been there hed smile at me, not charge me for half of the stuff i got and my mom knows im crushing on him and shes totally cool about it but now im just trying to get together w/ their family or something so i can finally get introduced to him. the past few days during my study halls ive been coming up w/ these poems and they just come to me...its wierd. its not like there meant for anyone ::cough:: yea they are ::cough:: the other one is also mine....its the first poem ive written in a looongggg time. this is my second: I dream of us together and how great it could be Then i realized that you dont care about me This brought tears to my eyes and htred filled my heart It was not you that i hated but myself, for not telling you how much I cared about you from the start You thought I cared for someone else but it is you that i care for I wake up in the morning and hope that you'll notice me in school When i sleep, I dream about that day that you held me so close in your arms I keep playing that pictured in my head and hope that I wont have to wake up so that I can be in your arms forever!

I wish he held me the way he holds her I wish he notices me the way he notices her I had him once & treated him like dirt Now that I dont and cant have him is when I want him the most I ignored him I took him for granted I slowly killed him on the inside He truly cared about me I just used him Now that we are best of friends He has moved on As should i But i just cant If I could, I'd take back Everything I've done just to Have him kiss me *ONCE*

on wed me and that grl cut 4 pds together and went to a park and told me wat happnd while she was over my friends house w/ the guy she liked. she told me not to tell anyone. we were at the park when she told me. so after grk club i was walking w/ my friend to the car and i told him wat happnd and he was like i noe its nothing new to me. she just called me and was like yo wtf did u tell him b/c everyones telling me that u told him we were about to fuck. and even tho i did tell him i wasnt gonna tell her. yea ok. meanwhile it was only me and him walking not anyone else. when we got into the car it was a red light and all those grls were crossing the street. my mom saw that grl smoking and she was like nice! im not surprised at all and my mom was bound to find out sooner or later and she did. my mom could care less but now she doesnt trust her at all with me. i hate my hs. today we went into the city and there was like 10 of us on the train coming back from the city and then one of the grls was like oh so were going out tonight are u coming? are u comimg? are u coming? she asked everyone but me and another one or two kids that. when she did that it aggrevated the shit outta me. but w/e i think shes still mad at me cuz i never came to the dance meetings but o well tough shit. tomorrow my friends supposed to fight some jerkoff that thinks hes the shit. i hope my friend wins.

not too long ago i found out that im also part italian which is unbelievalbly awsome but at the same time im a little annoyed cuz my mom couda told me this a while ago but hey im part italian :) lol thats it with me...im feeling alot better than i did yesterday! :)

last night i gotinto this big thing with one of the guys that was over my house. we were talking and then he just had to remind me of the stupid thing i did last year. he was like oh well if u knew anything about him ud noe that u were the one that killed his confidence. he made me feel realllly really cheap. in the past week hes the third person to have reminded me of that incident. ill be honest i dont regret doing w/e i did but i do regret what happnd afterwords (if that makes any sense). i dont cry easily and i cried myself to sleep last night. the one person that truly cared about me and i went and hurt him in the worst possible way. no words can describe how sorry i am. he was my best friend thru anything and everything i was going thru. he was there for me whenevr i wanted. sometimes when were talking hell say everything im about to say as if he could read my mind. if your reading this im really really ::sorry::

valentines day is about a week and a half away and noone to spend it with :( i got yelled at again cuz of my stupid cousin. i got kicked out of multicultural b/c i didnt go to a few meetings and i dont give two shits. my friends are so fucked up its not even funny. the slut ims me and is like oh ure not in it anymore and i was like uh ok? and she was like lol just letting u noe then she was like oh and thnx for calling and i was like uh i did i called the other grl she was like yea u were "sick" and i was like yo seriously i got grounded and i had ppl come over so dont tell me i was "sick" and she was like ok well w/e dont start w/ me. one of the guys told her off and i was soooo happy that he did cuz the slut deserved it.

i started school yesterday...it was ok i guess. today and yesterday im leaving 2 pds early b/c i have study hall then i have one class and i leave and that is so annoying y couldnt i just have the class and then the study hall so i could just leave? i wanna go tomorrow to get my belly button pierced but noone wants to go with me. i gotta find at least one nice picture of me cuz i have none. im still grounded but im online. im allowed to have guys over whenever i want as long as my moms home to "supervise" even tho shes upstairs and has no idea wat goes on but i rarely do have guys over...its wierd. i wanna drive. i hate it when ppl say im young. its like ok yea i am but dont make me feel bad. like im 14 i cant smoke, i cant drink, i cant drive, i cant go to a club, i cant do this i cant do that like omg stop making me feel bad! but iono thats just me

i got grounded for two weeks b/c of what happnd yesterday and b/c i was online till 1-ish in the morning. im supposed to only be online for 10 mins but its already been 15. im grounded till feb 13th but every now and then ill be on but not for long.....everyone has someone special to spend this valentines day w/ and i dont :( . valentines is just a holiday hallmark came up w/ to make ppl feel like crap. thats what i think.

today jo came over and we chilled and then we told my mom we were gonna go over cesars house to watch movies but really we were just gonna walk around and stuff. so w/e we went to the park for a little then her dad called and said he was gonna pick her up and stuff and we called cesar and jimmy to come meet us at the park cuz cesar left his shirt and gloves at my house yesterday so we gave it to them then they ditched us and we were like ok losers u cant invite two grls that are freezing from the cold in. then they were like ok ok come. so we went. assholes wouldnt let us in so jo rubbed snow in cesars face then we walked in lol and then stayed for like 30 mins then his parents came home and we left. then we walked around and while i was at his house or at the park or something i lost $42. sucks for me. jo's mom came and picked us up then we went to her house and then they dropped me off and thats what happnd today....oh and i was and still am feeing (i cant spell :P) for cigaretts.

wow it seems like forever since ive updated. well ive been trying to fix my relationship w/ my two supposed best friends. today we went to this store and they were like oh yea u know thats so u pulling out the thong to get attention and i was like uh no hun thats not me thats her and i pointed to this other grl. then we came back to my place and it was 3 grls and 3 guys and then my 2 cousins came over and we were watching tv and they were like omg thats so u b. refering to the dumb/slutty blonde. then on the way to my house they got all bitchy about why i didnt tell the other grl to come and i was like dude shes fucken crazy and they were like no shes just outgoing and blah blah blah and i was like yo u noe what fuck it idc anymore. Lets go back...... a few days after my last entry i had to wait till 5ish at school for grk club so i went to study hall w/ some of my friends. jo one of the grls was like ok u noe wat lets clear some shit up i didnt noe wat she was talking about so i was like ok fine. so she was like i have mad ppl comin up to me telling me that u called me a slut a this a that and i was like i mighta said it in a jokingly way the way u say it about me. i was like ok fine i mighta called u a slut big deal we all day it about eachother and she was like ok well u noe what? what have i dont that i should be called a slut? sit on guys laps kiss a few guys this and that and blah blah blah and i was like ok i sit on guys laps too sometimes big deal and she was like yo ure attention hungry! i was like WHATTT im the shyest person how the fuck am i attention hungry? she was like well wen were walkin down the street u tell me to go up to guys and get their #s and shit and i was like yea okk ure imagining things cuz ive never said that. and then i was like ok u wanna sort shit out why do i have ppl coming up to me and telling me that u started going around telling ppl that i smoke cuz i wanna be cool and i cut for attention. she was like u noe wat i did say it b/c y else would u start smoking and u dont inhale i was like holy shit i have fucken asthma u wanna kill me before my time and she was like why do u do it then for the taste? and some other stuff which at one point i raised my hand to slap her but i didnt. then she was like u noe wat ure mad two faced i was like ok so are u and she was like i noe and im trying to stop and i was like u noe what were all two faced so shutup. and then all this other bullshit and then she was like oh well maria and christina said this bout u and i was like ok so i asked them and then they were like no she said it and now idk im trying to clear things up b/w me and my two supposed best friends and i could care less about the other one at this point. today i was hanging out w/ 3 guys and those two grls and it was fun man it really was. well i like one of those guys and idk i cant tell him cuz im shy like that and i as everyone else fears rejection. and he wont tell me who he likes which makes it harder on me in a way but iono....so now im listening to rock music and im dying for a cig and noones has or could get me which also sucks. oh yea and that guy that i used to like that kept telling me to chill w/ him and then kept canceling my friend is going out w/ and still hasnt bothered to tell me and she knew i liked him but w/e i dont care ive moved on....

hey.....ill update for real tomorrow.....so much has happnd the past few days omg so much drama damn my life should be a soap opera. gnite for now....

im bored its raining theres nothing to do and i have a project due in like 2 weeks that i dont wanna do at all and im cold

im still sick. i went to school on monday until like 1 then i came home and slept till 7 or 8. yesterday and today i didnt go to school :) i dont wanna go tomorrow either but i have to :( in a week and a half its regents week so im gonna be home anyways but i just dont like school anymore. its full of mean ppl. i dont like it one bit. shane west is really hot...especially when he was younger!!!!!!