i dont deserve him. ------------- he is my heart. i cant live without him. but yet i break him

When you light those candels up there on that mantel setting the mood I just lye there starring silently preparing to love on you Well i can feel the heat from across the room ain't it wild what a little flame can make you want to do I melt Everytime you look at me that way It never fails any time any place This burn in me is the coolest thing that i'v ever felt i melt Don't know how you do it I love the way I lose it everytime What's even better is knowing that forever yur all mine The closer you get the more my body aches One little stare from you is all it takes Everytime you look at me that way I melt, I melt

speechless. ----------- dont turn around. dont walk away. dont push me away. dont leave me. ---- you're not even mine to begin with.

i want you here. and your not

it the as the boy i fell in love with. sitting right next to me. its been what feels like ages since ive seen this boy. his smile lit up the room. i sat back and watched him work his magic around the room. charming he had the room under some laughter spell. all i could do it stare. with wonderment. i love him. ---------- he only did it for me.

"nothing i ever do for you is good enough. All i ever want to do is make you happy and i can never do it. i try and try and nothing is ever good enough. you are are always criticizing me." ---------------------- he will never be like me. I will never be like him. when will i learn you can't change people? ----- edit: i wont learn. but thats okay. im happy we are two different people. thats why it works. we work. i am in love. i need to let it happen and quit pushing it away. this may never come again. i need to embrace. i will embrace.

I love you.

i can smell my skin baking. little beads of sweat pour down my face. the win blows through the tiny hairs on the back of my neck. i drift in an out of my slight coma. the sun is seeping through my eye lids burning the retnas. its calm and quiet. wind, nature, and silence all in my ear at the same time. i am at peace with myself. ------------ o what summertime tanning can do.

i really fucked up. bad. im a bitch. a fucking bitch. she was right. i should tell the truth more often. the truth shall set you free i told him the truth. i told him what happened. it was hard. how do you tell someone who you know loves you with all their heart that you let someone kiss you. and he doesnt hate me. he does not hate me. hes upset. (yes) hes sad. (very much) hes disappointed. (more than ever) i let him down. i let myself down. i dont deserve someone so amazing, and loving in my life. he deserves better. im trash. and i realize that. i murder what could of been the best relationship of my entire life. ------------ im gonna marry that boy someday

i just want him to leave me alone. dont call me. dont talk to me. just leave me alone. all he does is drink and act like a total asshole. just leave me alone

ive paid for everything on my own. i never asked for anything. i worked my ass off everything i have. and its not much. im in extreme debt. i work a shitty job. ive been pretty much on my own since i was 15. i pay my cell phone bill. i pay my car insurence. i pay for my gas. i buy my own clothes. shoes. food. i lived on my own 2 times. i do my own laundry. i wipe my own ass. i made the mistake of moving back home. --------------- i did my parents a favor a let them claim me on their taxes to save them 100 bucks. they cheated me out of 300 bucks and now i dont get my stimulus check because i let them claim me. now im out another 533 bucks. petty.

last night = love. drinks. shots. cigs. corn hole. family. friends. music. 5 am sleep overs. finding out more things about myself and the people i surround myself with. ------------ my life is turning around

i feel myself becomming addicted to them. i want them everyday. all day long. when i dont get them, im angry. uneasy. displeased. stressed. pissy. but when i get them. i dont even remember taking them. they just slide down with the vodka so well that its like it never happend. then i become a noodle. everything blurry. like strobe lights. im happy again. nothing can ruin me being happy. im content. ---------- im on xanax

my life has become chaos. out of control. bruised. i feel a downward spiral comming soon. i bring myself bad karma. i feel as though it will come and bite me in the ass soon. i need to change. ----------- someone please give me the strength to change myself and my life. soon.

xanax. vodka. cigs. crying. slurring. stumbling. best friends. chaos. --------- i want more nights like that.

today i met the most disconnected boy. he was so out of sync with life he couldnt keep his eyes open. he sat at his table by himself in his own little world. 2 wendys waters, 1 wendys frostie, 1 bottled water, 1 G2 drink, 2 pepto chewables, 1 bag of wendys food. all on his table in front of him. his head bobbled and his hands stumbled across the objects on the table. me and my fellow onlooker laughed at this such "entertainment". delighted we were concerned, he cracked his crossed eyes open and showed a perk 10 induced smile. he flipped open his phone as if he was going to look at it, but his eyes were closed shut. he opened the G2 with intentions to drink it, but got half way to his mouth and gave up. he asked to sit with us to keep him alert. "without you guys, my life would suck right now. you all are the shit" he said he had chronic back pain and couldnt sleep. and he was pilled out of his mind. we talked for 45mins while his eyes were wide shut the whole time. by far the most interesting person i have met in a long time. his name was david shelver. "like if you laid shelves, you would be a shelver." i hope i meet him again.

its wonderful outside. i love it. brings me some peace. i need it.

i get high alot. more than normal. im hungry right now. and high. whats new. i sit in a room with 3 other people. all high. what are we doing? listening to music and rippin each other. wishing we had something to munch on or to get rid of this cotton mouth. nothing. this is my life.

i love david. he makes me smile. i love to get high with him. hes my boo. i love to get high

im ready for vaction. it will be grand. booze. the outdoors. pipes. friends. sexual tension. mary jane. bongs. hot tub. mountins. i cant wait. ------------- i got your letters today. i loved them. i love you. you surprise me. its nice.