i know i said i'd be around more after new years. oops. its hard having two journals! i always forget about this one. so i moved to new york city. finally. after ten godawful years, i am back where i belong. home. its been pretty awesome so far. i miss my friends though. i'm going back to florida for a weekend after my birthday, which is at the end of the month. i don't know what else to write about. life updates are boring.

i haven't been on here in nearly a year. but i'm still alive. and i'm finally doing it, i'm moving to new york city in about two weeks. right now i'm in the middle of packing up my things and getting my car ready for the 2 day journey. i promise, i'll be more active after new years. i've been gone, but i haven't forgotten you guys. muah.

Wow. I kinda died there for a while, didn't I? I'm terribly sorry, I've been ignoring this journal & i've been using another one not on this site. It's not often that I get the urge to really write in here. Ironically, I'm sitting here sick as hell, with a high fever and NOW is when I want to come on here and write. I'm such a winner, aren't? So anyway, the holidays sucked. New Years eve sucked too, I brought in the new year drunk & dancing around to some slutty song. So if the whole "how you bring in the new year is how you spend the rest of the year" theory is true then I'm either fucked, or this is going to be a very fun year. I doubt its the latter though. I'm turning 19 in 4 weeks. I feel like I'm 30 though. I've been on this site since I was 14 I think, holy fuck. 5 years is a long time. I wish I still had my older entries back when I was ~missanthropy on here.At least I think that was my username? lol god I don't even remember. But I'm pretty sure I deleted them all. It's kind of weird when you look back. On second thought, I'm glad I deleted them. There are things I'd rather not look back on. Plus reading back on your ~14 year old writings~ is kind of embarrassing. So let me shutup about stupid shit for a second.. Lately I've had this nagging feeling like I'm going to die. Really soon. Young. Maybe not even to live to see my 20th year. It might sound crazy, but it's just a strong feeling that I can't shake away. I thought last night was THE night. I had one of my bipolar episodes and I took too many sleeping pills mixed with my anxiety medication, then I began to hallucinate and hear voices and music that wasn't playing. Then I laid down, and threw up...while laying on my back. I probably could have choked to death if I hadn't been conscious. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bummed out. I'm not really suicidal these days, but when I go through one of my bipolar episodes all I want to do is die. I can't handle shit and my mind doesn't rationalize when I'm upset. I refuse to go on medication for that though. I want to keep writing in here regularly. Late new years resolution, perhaps? We'll see! I miss you guys! Though most of you aren't even around anymore :[

I think when it comes to journals I'm pretty compulsive at deleting my old entries. I regret it later on, but in the moment it just feels like something I need to do. Yeah, I just deleted everything except for yesterdays entry. I'm still feverish. I'm feisty too, I've been picking fights all day. Not my fault though, people just get on my nerves generally, and I'm sick, so certain people should know better than to expect things from me. I'm also irritated because a certain someone that I've been avoiding for weeks now finally got a hold of me last night. Busted. I made up some lame excuse as to why I've been avoiding him. I don't know why I can't come clean with him and tell him the truth, and I don't know why he is interested in me in the first place. We have a lot in common, it's true, and he has qualities that I adore in person, but lets face it, he's a douche. Despite the few qualities that I just said I adored, his personality is very much flawed and he needs to work on getting off that goddamn pedestal he's on. Also, we BOTH have major commitment issues, so...it would NEVER work out, even if he wasn't a complete snob. I want to tell him this so bad, but when he's around I fall in his trap and just give in. I guess part of me cares, but I don't want to. He needs to disappear from my life again, cause I was fine until he came back into it. Okay, maybe not fine, I've never really been fine, but better. Ah. I hate this side of me. You know, the side that actually feels things for people. It's ridic. And on a final, yet random note I must state that I've decided to pack up my things and move to Canada if Hillary Clinton becomes president. BROS before HOES, kthanks. ciao.

I am so tired, but I can't sleep. I think thats one of the worst feelings. It's very unpleasant. It's also very unpleasant that my dog is laying on my pillow snoring away. Ah, I love her though. I think shes having a false pregnancy. Theres a chance that she might actually be pregnant but I'm sort of in denial. I don't want her to be pregnant..shes my baby. :[ That and shes very small, I've heard that dogs like her often have complications during birth. If she dies I'd probably have a heart attack. It sounds silly and maybe even downright pathetic, but that dog has been there for me at times when even my family wasn't. She just has a way of knowing when I'm upset, and curls up next to me until I calm down. :') It's funny, it was around this time last year when I thought that I was pregnant. With John's child. Not John my adorable, loving, ex-boyfriend...John the drunken mistake. He's the opposite of everything that I like in a man. Even so, if it had turned out that I was pregnant, I would have probably kept the baby, I probably wouldn't have told him about it either. The only reason I ever even slept with him was because I was very drunk, I was very stupid, and I was very upset (a friend of mine had died just days earlier.) He's tried to contact me a few times since, but i've ignored his calls. I don't even know why I'm writing about this..I wasn't pregnant, and I was more than relieved not to be. Anyway, ~changing subject~.. I missed school tonight for the first time ever. Since high school I mean. It feels weird, but I guess it doesn't really matter. The professor I was supposed to have tonight is absolutely amazing, he'd never penalize me or my grade for being out sick. I'm going to have to make up that speech though.:[ Oh well, I guess I'm going to try and sleep again. Goodnight♥

Thats it, I'm moving out. I should have moved out the day I turned 18. I don't know where I'm going to go, or with who, but I've got to get away from the psychos that live in my house. More specifically, my mother. Maybe my brother is right, maybe we should just get our own place together if only until the summer when I'm done with my first year of school. On second thought, no, that would be a disaster. That was probably just my fever talking. It's no shocker that I'm as fucked up as I am when I look at my mom. It terrifies me that I might become her one day, she is insane. I've had many fallouts with my father before but tonight I have to side with him, no matter how awkward it may feel. She was out with her friends, drunk as usual, cell phone turned off, and he called the restaurant simply to check up on her and ask her when shes coming home. She took this personally, and I warned him that she would before he made the call, and now shes moping around the house crying hysterically and blaming both him and I for her shitty life. Her shitty life? First of all, I did nothing. Second, if anyone is blaming anyone else for their shitty life, it's me blaming her. Most of my problems stem from her bad parenting and her own mental shit that she passed onto me. I won't lie, I have a bad temper, much more so when I'm sick, I get extremely cranky. So I got in her face and basically exploded in a rant that was nothing short of every profanity in the book. I feel kind of bad about it, I mean, she is my mother, and I do care about her, but god, shes impossible. You do not come to me in your drunken stupor when I am sick and call me an idiot over something my father did, or rather, for siding with him, because honestly he was only trying to find out if something wrong since she wouldn't answer the phone. Sorry for caring.

Is it weird that I find it amusing to walk out of peoples lives for months at a time with no explanation at all and then come back randomly just to see how they react? I've been doing this for the past year or so, particularly to this one boy in general, because he's had the biggest crush on me practically forever. Kind of like the way Steve Urkel lusts over Laura Winslow in Family Matters, lol, he doesn't stand a chance with me and I've made it very clear, yet he still tries any chance he gets. Call me a bitch, but this boy has even watched me on several occasions while I've been out with my friends and then came back and told me all about it, and how great he thought I looked. I think this is extremely creepy. Sorry boys, stalking a girl isn't the ticket into her heart. So anyway, I cut all contact with him for months at a time and randomly come back, just to see his reaction, and I find it so deliciously amusing. I can't get over how many times I heard him say "oh...my...god...you!" tonight. Like I've come back from the dead or something. Then I just come up with incredibly ridiculous stories that I'd never believe myself about where I've been for the past few months and what I've been up to, and he just eats them up and hands out another batch of "oh...my...god's!"lol, I'm such a little freak. Maybe one day I'll just tell him the truth. Not yet though, no. I still want my fun. So it's superbowl weekend. Crap. I hate superbowl weekend. I've never been much of a sports fan, not at all. I dread superbowl weekend because my house always fills up with my brothers friends, and they're such loud, annoying, messy creatures. HDTVs be damned..if we didn't have that monster of a television in our family room, I wouldn't have to put up with this crap. It's not like I can even just walk out and leave either, I'm sick, and I need to rest up so I can attempt to be well for school Monday night. I also have a report to finish and a speech to give on Monday (that is, if my voice is even back by then.) However, if my voice is back by then, then I'll definitely be using it to give a little bitching to the people who got me sick in the first place. I think they deserve it :[