Signs if you’re a substandard human • Do you feel [insert teenage subculture] makes you feel unique or defiant? • Is the letter “U” considered a word when writing to your friends on msn? • Is the word “friend” something you only apply to people known over the internet or internet based games? I.e. Guild Wars, Everquest. Final Fantasy XI. • Does the thought of walking any distance frighten or disgust you? • When taking time to read is it a TV guide, or celebrity propaganda magazines? • Did you vote for George Bush? • Are you George Bush or in anyway related to the Bush family? • Do you think homosexuals are people? • Are you a homosexual/Bisexual/Transsexual? • Do you believe in Angels? • Do you think the world would be a better place with world wide peace? • Do you feel life is sanctioned? • Does thought frighten or bewilder you? • Do you follow the latest fashion trends? • Are you obsessing over bands, with the zeal of a religious fanatic? • Were you born with any strange oddities? I.e. extra toes • Do you refute God’s existence? • Do you believe in Destiny? • Do you count your carbs? • Are you a supporter of hippie beliefs? • Do you think moral fiber is something in your diet? • Do you hate your government (applies to western civilization only)? • Do you do drugs (omitting alcohol)? • Did you drop out of high school because you were pregnant or too stupid? • Do you piddle away your youth on countless hours validating your life by emotionally attaching yourself to others? • Is suicide your first solution to any problem you come across? • Have you ever failed at committing suicide? • Do you have a ridiculous fear of something harmless? I.e. balloons, bullets, tin foil • When in conversation do you often find yourself gossiping or blowing hot air just to fill in the silence because you have nothing relevant to talk about? • Does the idea of raping and touching small children turn you on? • Do you listen to rap/country? • Are you a rapper/country singer? (assuming what they do is singing) • Have you ever had or considered plastic surgery in an attempt to look more appealing? (because everyone knows plastic is a real turn on) • Do you or your friends enjoy watching reality TV shows? • Do adult cartoons turn you on? • Are you above the age of 7 and still wear your base ball cap backwards? • When articulating a sentence, does the word fuck appear more than once? • Do you or anyone you know stalk ex-boyfriends/girlfriends? (This is your fault too because you aren’t stopping them) • Do you use terms like, “newbie”, “blogger”, “liberal” or “new age” often in your day-to-day language? Answering yes to anymore than 5 of these and you are indeed less than a person. Answering yes to 10 or more and the residence of a mass grave is the only crowd you'd fit in with.

A chain letter I received that initiated the undying ire I have for people. It is a modest adaptation to better reflect the true ideals of men. Why guys like girls and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women. Date: Sun, 28 Aug 2005 19:37:06 +0930 Have you ever wondered why guys like women? well apparently the common thought amongst men is wrong, but not to worry I will translate any misconceptions brought up in this chain letter. Reasons Why Guys Like Girls: 1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo. - really even after they fart? believe me, their farts don't smell like cinnamon buns and rainbows. I'd called it a combination of old man and dead whale. 2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder. -Better yet how our open palms finds their face when they're being stupid. 3. How cute they look when they sleep -Men have better things to do than watch women sleep. Specially since they aren't cute, they're loud and covered in drool. 4. The ease in which they fit into our arms - the ease in which we fit in between their legs. 5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world. - Until you look at your bank account and find that they've robbed you of every penny. 6. How cute they are when they eat. - you must be joking, gluttonous pig or anorexic whore. 7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while. -really you could save us the trouble and not get dressed. 8. Because they are always warm even when it’s minus 30 outside. - It’s easy to be warm when you’re in the house all day getting fat. 9. The way they look good no matter what they wear. -God! Women are one dimensional. How about those hookers on the street, not many would say they look good. 10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth. -sounds to me like women are not only conceited but have low self-esteem issues that are clearly not going to be solved with a shallow compliment. 11. How cute they are when they argue. -I love to argue, it's one of my past times. Arguing with women is not cute; they're annoying, ignorant and loud. Half the time they don't argue they just use cheesy insults and sarcasm, what a combination. 12. The way her hand always finds yours. - The way her hand finds me the remote or my wallet. 13. The way they smile. - I’ll give them this one, it's moderately genuine 14. The way you feel when you see their name on the caller ID after you just had a big fight. - thought,” What a fucking bitch!" 15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later.... - she's going to make you sleep on the couch compounded with a week long guilt trip. Women can be so mature. 16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them. -Thought,” I’m getting laid tonight!" 17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you" - I'm glad this is so easy, I don't even have to mean it. 18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you... - okay kissing is fun, but let’s not give it to much credit. 19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry. -usually about something trivial. 20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly. - hey cool I didn't even read this one yet, I guess even women deep down understand that it's trivial. 21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt. -last girl to hit me, I gave her a head butt and kicked her in the stomach. 22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt. (Even though we don't admit it)! -if it did hurt, she damn well better apologize and give me lots of make up sex, or she gets a head butt. 23. The way they say "I miss you" -clinger issues. 24. The way you miss them. - for sex 25.The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore(through war and violence?)..... Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them(what because i love you, you expect me to commit suicide when you die? keep dreaming) ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart(apart of maybe, but not consumed). We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice.(and yet you attempted to make an awful e-mail, how pleasantly - contradictory) It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.(really, i'm pretty sure your mind has alot to do with this, but it's way easier to sound romantic when you follow stereotypes.) A feeling. Only felt(ooo clever, I wasn't aware feelings were meant to be felt, I guess since they are the same word in different context it stands to reason.). This chain started in 1997. It is a love chain letter. In an hour you are supposed to send it to 25 people. It is easy, just look into chat rooms and find them. Anyway, send it to 25 people in 1 hour. Now here comes the fun part.....and it goes on like this telling you to send it to random people to further spread all the lies and how terrible your life will be if you don't. AHAHA, I do think you should send it now that it has been modified to better represent the male psyche.

Incomplete ideas It’s Easier Being a Man While browsing my local book store I came across a section called “Well-Being”. Half of the shelf was consumed by female authors writing about how woman can live a fuller and happier life, the other half was female authors writing about how to improve sex. This was a rather interesting find, because it told me that there is a larger market pool of depressed women than men. This got me wondering why men seem to generally be happier without the need of some paltry knowledge from an undergraduate of leisure studies. Based on the number of sex books and it’s abundance in conversation, I started looking there. Immediately it made sense, it all has to do with visibility. A man knows who he is pretty much as soon as he figures out how his penis works. Not a complicated task in the least. Since everything is on the outside he can see it and observe it like an ape would examine a new tool to dig for bugs. He finds out what it does and all is good in his world, his self has been discovered and there isn’t any need of inward soul searching, he can now focus outwardly to define himself. This is the contrast between men and women. Women have the misfortune of having all their plumbing on the inside, and unless they are freakishly limber they don’t get much opportunity to see it with their own eyes. This only adds to the problem, the vagina and it’s inner workings are already complicated enough, in sex ed I was introduced to an artists rendition of what could be found in a woman; to say the least, I thought it was a map of Toronto and the surrounding areas. So, their self discovery is a long and arduous process, involving lots of awkward conversation with other woman, reading lots of books and communing with their inner feminine emotions. Looking into another woman’s vagina doesn’t help, because it isn’t theirs, it’s someone else. Vegans Baffle Me I’ve always been rather skeptical of anything that went against our natural tendency to eat both meat and vegetables. However, a close friend of mine has decided to venture down that path, rather than scoff it out rightly, I decided to research it. To say the least, I wasn’t disappointed. It was just as absurd as predicted. Before I begin, I would like to point out that the Vegan society boasted of their swelling numbers; a number that ranges between 3-5 million per major western country (US, Canada and UK). To an impressionable teenage mind or an adult with no concept of the world this seems pretty big, but to anyone with a brain they’re going to research the actual number and according to imaner.net, they make up about 0.6% of the population. This works out to be a quarter of a million or a small city. Not very impressive is it? However, the major problem with this is that it’s a fallacious statement, Argumentum ad populum. Let’s all do the same thing because it’s popular! Excuse me while I collect the shattered remains of my respect for people. The fact that these pseudo-scientists would even consider adding this as evidence is a testimony to their lack of knowledge. To compound the problem they added testimonies from popular athletes who converted to veganism. Does anyone else see a problem with this? I like to call improper appeal to authority. Just because these athletes are in superb health does not equate the diet being healthy. Especially since most, if not all, these athletes have personal trainers, who have taken years of schooling to watch and control what the athlete eats. Those were the problems I found on my initial survey. Now, it’s time to examine their rationalization for this bizarre decision. For the most part it’s to reduce the suffering of animals. What a noble sentiment- it warms my heart and soul. BARF! “Reduce the suffering of animals”, what a load of hippie garbage. Like their suffering would be any less in the “naturally” cruel environment. At least now they’re getting all the food they could want without working for it, more steroids than they could shake a tail at and let’s not forget the added bonus of being killed off at their prime; allowing them to avoid the tiresome and painful years of old age. Hell I’m sold, where I can sign up for this treatment. Then there’s the products tested on animals that they refuse to use. I don’t understand their logic. What are we suppose to test these products on, other people? That’s appalling! You’d fit right in with Hitler’s ensemble. Well can we at least start with you people, so long as you are going to protest its use of products on animals? Their greatest argument for the diet is the growing health concern of obesity. Here’s where they start doing some scientific gymnastics. They drone on about the evil trans-fats found in processed foods, without acknowledging that it is a cheap and efficient energy source. This seems to be the only up side to eating vegan food, the lack of trans-fats. If you want anything of value from your food you’re going to have to get multi-vitamin pills. You know the all natural pill for these overzealous nature freaks. Way to go geniuses, you really know how to sell a diet that’s healthy when it recommends you take supplementary pills. Fucking dumb asses! This is just as bad as the random numbers they pull out their ass to justify that the land is inefficiently used on livestock. They say that it takes 6 kg of plant product to produce 1kg of meat. Wanna know what this tells me? PLANT FOOD HAS LITTLE TO NO CALORIC VALUE! It’s insane how much 1 kg of meat can sustain a person. Why? It’s because meat contains all kinds of proteins, and fats. Here are some numbers you can actually use, carbohydrates yield 4.1 calories per gram (cal/g), protein yield 4.3 cal/g and fat is a staggering 9.3 cal/g. Carbs are mostly found in plant products and for the most part contain very little protein, amino acids and fats. So no wonder it takes so much plant product to sustain livestock. Get a better angle you ignorant hippies. Titles I Carry Like Badges of Honor Here is a modest list of names and titles that have been bestowed upon me by various peers who are self-appointed people of authority on these things. Unsympathetic Cruel Evil Arrogant Pompous Critical Cynical Absurd Stupid Snide Malicious Melancholic Fear monger Hate monger Unforgiving Heartless Conceited Prick Asshole Fucking Dick Fucker Ass Dick Bastard Homophobe Male Chauvinist Close minded Ignorant There is more, but those are the most prominent

There’s a reason leaders invented genocide. It’s because at some point in time some guy got tired of hearing why the chicken crossed the road and decided that anyone who still found that joke hilarious should be killed. The idea caught on and more leaders started to execute mass amounts of people for other similar reasons, I.E. which invisible man they pray to, the colour of their skin, they way they tie their shoe lace, which hand they write with. All of these are perfectly acceptable reasons to have people murdered, but before I leave this abomination to all things in this universe, I would enjoy seeing the following people strangled in front of their family. Have you ever gotten a chain letter? Yes? Did you send it to other people like it asked? Yes? Well congratulation! You made it to the top of the list of people I would like to see dead. I can’t stand chain letters, I hate the people who make them and I absolute loathe the people who help keep these in circulation. If genocide weren’t so bent on efficiency, I’d opt to have you people tortured slowly. All this ire seethes for you, because a chain letter is just one more example how our phenomenal potential can be wasted on superstition, especially when it involves our one true love or instant messenger. “Send this to 20 different people in 5 mins and your one true love will call you”, “send this to 15 people and msn won’t cost you money”, “send this to 25 different people and 5 dollars will go to some degenerate teenager that died early, because of some pathetic tragic story”. I didn’t think people were this gullible until I got the same inane chain letter just weeks after deleting it. It’s worse than that case of herpes you got from that sordid thing you picked up moments before last call. The worse part is it’s usually from some sort pseudo intellect with a goofy name. Where did all these goofy names come from? Things like Chastity, Hope, Ocean, Meadow, Shillow, Shadow, and Dove to name a few. Well if you’re one of the parents that had a massive brain lapse while naming your child, you made it into the big list of people who’d look better in a mass grave. I’m not going to enlist the children for a sudden visit by the angel of death, namely because it isn’t their fault their parents stuck too many crayons in their nose. Honestly, what were these adults thinking? If their aim was to show how they’ve remained “young” at heart by naming their child something that inspires parental execution, then mission accomplished. But they don’t stop there; they even had the audacity to purposely misspell existing names in some incongruous attempt to be unique. Well guess what you yuppie freaks, it isn’t cute or unique, it’s fucking stupid. Your child is just going to look retarded every time he has to explain to his teachers why his name is spelt wrong. There’s nothing wrong with the old names and we don’t need you self-important rectal belches changing them. My final and probably largest pool of mongrels that should be put on the fast track to Satan are the readers, writers, producers and anyone even remotely affiliated to tabloids. Yes I mean celebrities too. Who the fuck cares which hollow celebrity is pregnant? It leaves me catatonic that there are people who are so vacuous as to find something as common as pregnancy entertaining and worthy to be printed; like somehow the lives of celebrities are so unique. Trust me, lying, cheating, low confidence, paranoia, despicable acts of dishonesty, and multiple partners are nothing special, it happens to people not found on the big screen too. I’ve never actually read any of the tabloids and for good reason too. The cover titles are as appealing as a big bowl of poop with chucks of corn. Things like, “great abs in 20 seconds”, “Tricks to eat less and lose weight”, “off the chart orgasms” and “Sexy spring dresses you’ll only wear once” are just some of the titles that bring up that familiar taste of bile. Sure those titles are slightly exaggerated, but only in honesty. The tabloids are full of more bullshit than all the governments officials combined. And just like the government officials it’s half vacuous content and the other half is frivolous advertisements. “Buy this electric clit tickler that makes more noise than that screamer you found at the bar”, “battle black heads with this high-powered laser”, “close your pores with this platinum vice”. Boring, useless and inane, fits right in with out rustic, capitalistic North American values. So big or small genocide, they all had a reason and I can relate. Sure some are a little more zealous than others, but I was raised to be tolerant of other people’s preferences – when it’s convenient. I sometimes wish we had dictator that could get rid of these people, not like our lazy liberal/conservative government. Oh yeah, I hate people, I hate the things we do and I hate people who condone it.

You ever hear the age old adage “there’s nothing to fear but fear itself”? Well I disagree and so I’m going to make a tribute to all the other things that we can and are afraid of. Dying – death – spiders – snakes – knives – guns – ghosts- the dark – zombies – werewolves – vampires – President Bush – barb wire – black cats – breaking a mirror – AIDS – malaria – HIV – pimples – zits – black heads – belly fat – calories – trans fats – peanuts – wolverines – panthers – lions – tigers – bears – tests – presentations – taxes – Wal-Mart – dark alleys – Crypts – Bloods – Hell’s Angles – rapists – child molesters – serial killers – Christian conservatives – Jehovah’s witness – drunk teens – sober drug addicts – the mod – an angry mob – priests – religion – demons – devils – succubus – monsters under the bed – monsters in the closet – aliens – Donald Trumps hair – Dracula – vampires – boogiemen – bugs – girlfriends – wives – boyfriends – husbands – stalkers – plumber’s butt – drunk drivers – Visigoths – mothers – fathers – mother in laws - terrorists – soccer hooligans – rocket launchers – airplanes – sharks – piranhas – jelly fish – water – electricity – witches - warlocks – old ladies – old men – naked old men – naked old ladies – psychopaths – plastic bags – fire – fast movie vehicles – tornadoes – volcanoes – lava – hurricanes – tsunamis – whirlpools – monkeys - earthquakes – meteors – Alabama – Saddam Hussein – heights – needles – chickens – dust – angina – flowers – bees – asymmetrical things - ventriloquist's dummies – possessed ventriloquist's dummies – toucan sam - bacteria – frogs – ugliness – new things –clowns – circus folk – rabies – prostitutes – pimps – dentists – doctors – the Dutch – long words – ideas – vaginas – penises – failure – hemorrhoids – punishment – colour black – colour white – poetry – being alone – being in a crowd – ants – cockroaches - the number 8 – birds – bald people – acid rain – scabies – school – society – tapeworms – telephones – tyrants – Gods – Cops – The military – Fear.

Sex seems to be the single most important subject to any person, next to violence. It’s on every teenage mind, every second of the day and consumes a better part of the conversation and gossip. It’s on our televisions, in our houses, in our magazines and in our nature. It’s everywhere and it’s not going away. So why is it we, as puritanical North Americans, continue to force hard working prostitutes out of work with our laws? I, for one, would like to see it legalized, along with murder and other acts of random and senseless violence. I’m going to start with the prostitutes. I think they are fantastic people, doing our country a great service. They’re keeping the rapist, sadists and other freaks off the streets and in the brothels. Can you honestly say you’d want these kinds of people doing that kind of stuff in your neighborhood? Hell no! And you think jails want these people? Not a chance; most of them haven’t even committed a crime. But, that’s just one service they provide. If it were legal, there would be fewer people depressed and committing suicide. It has been scientifically proven that sex is a natural stimulant and reduces stress. These people are already spending big wads of cash on drugs and therapy. I say take the naturopathic way, treat the whole person not the symptom; go have sex with a hooker. But there’s more, if it were legalized, we could impose schools and training so they’re no longer hookers but pro-active sex therapists. They could physically and manually teach people to have better sex. It would be a blessing for every teenage virgin out there. It would eliminate that feeling of inadequacy and bolster confidence and over-all happiness. It’s win – win! You get to relieve your pent up sexual frustration and get to learn a thing or two to please your current or next girlfriend/wife. Now, it’s not just in the best interest of the individual, I thought about the country and economy as well. If it were legalized, they could impose taxes, taxes the government gets to collect interest on. They could impose regular testing to prevent epidemics, they could keep track of sexual offenders and they’re would be fewer murders because prostitutes would no longer be anonymous women, but categorized and labeled workers of society. However, the cherry to this sundae of awesomeness would have to be the external commercial interest. Why else do you think so many people want to visit Thailand; the enriching culture? Don’t be so naïve; it’s the thousands upon thousands of readily available hookers. Now, I bet you’re curious to my motives for the legalization of murder and other acts of random and senseless violence. It’s pretty simple, you yourself know the answer to it, and you just haven’t accepted it yet. It’s an undisputed fact that violence is in our nature and is necessary to survive; even if you’re vegan. How can you prove plants aren’t cognizant? If you even try to answer that, you should have you’re brain forcibly removed through your rectum. We kill because it helps us survive, so naturally it would make sense that we would enjoy doing things that promote our survival; examples, being eating, sex, breathing, and my personal favorite, drinking. But that’s not all, it’s abundantly clear that we like violence by our daily lives. It is a known fact by news corporations that they get more viewers if they report human interest story as appose to the actual news. War, murder and thefts are by far the most common and the war right now is a blessing to them, reporting it every minute of the day. It’s because we find war very entertaining. Why else would we call it a “Theater of War”? Do you think it’s a euphemism or some deep psychological urge to compete and break stuff? Speaking of competing, there’s another example of human’s affinity for violence. Sports and athletes make millions and millions of dollars per year, just because people have this morbid anticipation to see injuries and the odd chance of death. To us it’s like winning the lottery. We keep spending and spending in hopes we get to see some young man get brutally maimed and see his career slide down the drain. It’s entertaining and we can’t get enough of it. So we are violent people, but unlike the fortunate individuals who are good at sports, the average man/woman doesn’t get the opportunity to express their primal urges to hurt, maim and kill. This is why I want it legalized, so you too can experience the awesome thrill of battle and the humbling experience of defeat. But, I don’t want it out of control. This would only be an annual thing, something like a celebration. There would be no guns, no weapons allowed and it would be held in a sanctioned area of the city for the sole purpose of this event. This means, the city can sell tickets to it, record it live for television for those who don’t want to participate, and they’re could be cash prizes for being the winner or surviving the longest. Yet again, another way the government and the cities could make more money if they just legalized something everybody likes to do. I bet if it were legalized, not even 3 years later it would become an Olympic event. Not only would these changes ultimately lower crime. But it would inspire more national pride, an acceptance of our animalistic heritage, more confidence for the individual and an overall increase in happiness for the majority of the population. There is the added bonus of lowering the county’s unemployment rate.

Love is a farce. It’s deceptive, and marketable. It is not the pleasant emotion everyone thinks it is. In fact, it’s stealing the glory of something far more significant; loyalty. Loyalty does all the work and love gets all the credit. I for one can’t stand it. Everyone thinks they’re looking for love but in fact they are looking for loyalty; well at least mature people are. It makes me sick how much publicity love gets when it’s a wholly feeble emotion. It can’t stand up to the tempered worth of loyalty. For starters, love is a rather vague and widely used term that varies from not only century to century, but within generation to generation. A fact easily demonstrated by love’s context sensitive characteristic. An Example being, the love I have for my mother is not the same love I have for my girlfriend. This is not the same love I have for my mistress. But it closely resembles the love I have for my dog – but not quite. But is no where near close to the love I have for my country or countrymen. However, I probably could have more love for my environment and the planet. I’ve often wonder if the love Jesus shares for everyone is similar to my love for pizza. Isn’t it just lovely to love my lover? Where else have I seen a multipurpose word like this? Oh right! F*ck! I f*cking love that lovely f*cker, who happens to be my lover that I f*ck. I don’t know about you, but a word starts to lose some meaning if it can be all the important parts of a sentence. Furthermore, love is rather useless. I’ve heard a great deal of criterion for love and all of them are an extended list or compiled list of more useful words we already have. You don’t need to love yourself; you need to be happy with yourself. Love is not synonymous with happiness; in fact more people would agree that it’s more related to agony and depression. You don’t need to be loved by others. You need social interaction and a sense of trust. This is not the same as love, because I can’t have love in others without being called a fruit or a slut. I can’t love a pass time; but I can show interest or an aptitude. I can’t love a belief, but I can feel passionately about it. See, we have good descriptive words already for things people seem to love. Love may vary well be over used simply because people don’t have a large vocabulary. This point ties in nicely with my correlation with f*ck. A word also over used by the unrefined masses. Another one of love’s short comings is its connotations and marketability. Love’s an emotionally loaded word. This means that when the word love is used or said there are numerous hidden implications. Like communism in the US. When US politicians want to villainize an idea, they call it a communist belief. This sparks negative feelings and memories of bad relations with Vietnam, Cuba, and Russia. Like communism, love is used by politicians and also the scum of the world, corporations. Being able to use love in a sales pitch is their ultimate goal. They are using love’s ambiguity as an excuse to tell us what it is or how it should be displayed. Since we have no sense of it ourselves we believe in their assertions and spend big wads of cash to show our love. By transitive property I guess this makes sense for showing your affection to your wife or husband. I worked hard to earn cash; cash bought you that trinket; that trinket is a symbol of my love. Therefore I worked hard to show you my love. It’s the thought that counts right? Wait, thought didn’t go into it. You were told it was a symbol. All of this is in contrast to that wondrous and most redeeming quality of humankind; loyalty. Loyalty isn’t confusing or ambiguous. You can be loyal to yourself and loyal to others. In fact a person who isn’t loyal to themselves is worse off than someone who doesn’t love themselves. I can be loyal to my wife, I can be loyal to boss, I can be loyal to my country. I know why I am loyal to any particular thing and I can’t be loyal to someone else who isn’t loyal to me. But loyalty can never be bad; it makes you steadfast in your beliefs and gives you the spine to defend its existence. Unlike love, a feeling you’d change and comprise your whole being for. Marriages will start with love, and end in the absence of loyalty. This is marriage, the holy union of love. But again love gets all the publicity when loyalty does all the work of keeping it together. Loyalty can’t be every word in a sentence and it isn’t over used. So let us stop loving everything and let’s be loyal to one another. Show an interest, aptitude and a concern. Be helpful, caring, and appreciative. Share good times with decent people and as always develop your vocabulary. Remember love is fickle, loyalty is a good friend.

I don’t understand how book stores can devote a whole section to a joke book without putting it in the comedy section. I am, of course, referring to these “self-help” books, where in the author divulges all his worldly knowledge on the philosophies that most pertain to life. The key issues these books try to resolve are low confidence, minimal happiness and measures of success. All of them very real problems, however, hardly subject matter for a book designed for an idiot. I call it an idiots book, because the genre in itself is highly suspicious, “Self-Help”. How am I suppose to take anything this book says seriously when they’ve already abused the language? “Self-Help”, it’s more than a blatant oxymoron, it’s down right stupid. If you did it yourself, you didn’t need help. If someone else told you how to do it, that’s help, not self-help. We all agreed on the language, let’s start using it properly. This is, however, the first travesty against language these books commit. The more I read one of these books, the more I realized it read like an abortion…or as the book would encourage me to say, the premeditated, doctor assisted, miscarriage. The use of euphemisms was very discouraging for my incentive to finish the book. It surmised that negative language, produced negative attitudes, thusly producing negative feedback. This negative feedback would create conflicts and produce unhappiness. So it, subtly, encouraged the use of softer terms and a courteous care for language. Translation: compromise yourself to satisfy the wants and needs of others. A bit like altruism, only no one grows from idle praise. Similarly, no one can grow with parameters. A parameter set by the evil dictator, label. Label, as described, will put you into a mind frame, that directly correlates with the obligations society has placed on it. This mind frame guides your action in accordance to that preset by society and thus creating a trap impossible of escape. So they discourage the use of labels. This premise caused my brain to scream in agony. To begin, a label is a word, and this inescapable trap is a definition. A definition, does not predicate action, and the idea that it would, implies that words can enslave you. This is without a doubt, foolish. How else could you identify something without giving it a label? Am I just supposed to pretend it’s something like it, but not quite, amazingly lifting any obligations that may be attached to the word? No. It’s simple; you identify it, and proceed with what seems like a reasonable course of action, or inaction. It’s very simple to not do anything in place of doing something. Lastly, this is just another example of the book trying to control your language. When someone starts trying to control my language, I’m immediately alerted of mind control. Why? It is because, more or less, people think with words, and if someone starts to control the words I can and can’t use, they’re directly affecting my thoughts and the kind of thoughts I can have. I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if the message they were giving me weren’t moronic renditions of Aristotle’s metaphysics. That is the author’s solution to your lack of happiness. By giving you a couple quotes and a half-semester of philosophy educated summary of how you can redefine your interpretations of happiness and the causes of such moments. For the most part, they just spew out long, deadening sentences that eventually come to the conclusion of ignorance is bliss. Ignore the bad, because if you don’t know about it, it doesn’t exist. This will work fine and dandy, until it festers for 20 years manifesting itself in a workplace shooting. I could go on about the less effective means to boost low confidence and success, but that is beside the point. Upon reading more, I came across more evidence that supported a subliminal purpose. The book was actually manufactured to make you content with being a slave to corporate masters. What’s more beneficial to a corporation and its owners with happier workers? Happy workers who actually enjoy their job, and will put exuberant amounts of effort into what they do, in hopes they may eventually progress up the corporate ladder. It all made sense to me after coming to this conclusion, the encouragement of euphemisms, avoiding conflict, being content with what you have, ways to deal with stress without killing your boss, it’s all designed to engineer your brain for slavery. I think we should have more book burning rallies. We haven’t had one in a while and the filth is starting to clutter, a good purging is all we need. We can use “for Dummies” as the starter, throw on the self-help and get the fire really roaring with the Harlequin romance books. It would be the most beautiful, cleansing fire in history. I can rest easy in the knowledge that the books will degrade quickly when our empire has collapsed. Saving us from embarrassment when alien explorers come examine our remains or rather the plastic we left behind.

Poetry, my kryptonite Devious words hiding secret meaning Like a cruel game of hide and seek. What’s the point? Poetry, the infected scrotum I could do without Alliterations, assonances, allusions Devices I fail to understand I hate I loathe I abhor This coma inducing task They call poetry. Euphonies, a waste of my time A pleasant contrast to Cacophonies Causing gagging, barfing…oh wait, I mean expel stomach fluids And other such ailments Mr. Mulroy enabling the living dead In class discussion Batteries not included No warnings No skull with crossed bones Cyanide in water. I wouldn’t write poetry in a house, I wouldn’t write poetry about a mouse, Or a loon with a spoon on the moon. Consonance constantly contribute nothing to poetry Man, I hate poetry It’s incoherent Shallow Meaningless Boring Uncultured drivel That masquerade as Profound Insightful Artistic works Written by people who’s intelligence Rivals that of a Rice Krispie. Man I hate poetry

With every New Year comes the New Year resolution. For the most part, it is to resolve to be a better person. But human’s being the ultimate in hypocritical behavior, we invent new trends that make our collective intelligence rival mold. So, this leads me to my new rant, New Trends that Piss Me Off. I’ll do my best to mention all the annoying trends pertinent to society so far. This first trend has led me to believe we may eventually evolve without asses. In place, we will have movie theater seats. This is because of the growing trend to make movies to damn long. Movies are becoming so long, scientist are noticing a loss of brain mass with a proportionate increase in ass mass in all subjects. As seen in this equation f(x) = (x-B)/(x+A), where B is brain mass in grams, A is ass mass in grams and x is length of movie in minutes. In the days before internet, there was a most spectacular creature, which, during the movie, would put it on pause allowing you to stretch, walk around and make out. This creature was called the “intermission”, a now extinct creature, pushed out of a job and thus starved to death by greedy Hollywood capitalist assholes. The whole design is to make money off of you and an intermission takes up time. Time that they can show more movies, take out the pause more showings can happen in one night. Now this is not contradictory to the production of long ass movies. The powers of Hollywood have weighted it very carefully to stretch the movie just long enough that you’ll buy the supper size popcorn and drink, which they overcharge by at least 10000%. It would be impossible to last the whole movie without something to ration. Without the super size, you’d probably starve to death halfway through the movie, ¾ of it if you’re hefty. This next trend isn’t particularly new, we’ve just modified it. This is the trend of self-mutilation. Back in the good old days, self-mutilation was achieved by snorting, shooting and inhaling all kinds of narcotics into your body to feel out of this world. Our hip-pop-emo-rap culture has distorted this interesting hobby into an abomination. In place of drugs to get away or back at your parents, teens today are encouraged to try cutting themselves. Apparently carrying scars on your wrists and stomach are like badges of honor. They wear them with pride under they’re black arm stockings and fishnet arm gloves. Some like to take it to the extreme and fully take their life. However since they’re squeamish of blood, they’d rather O.D. Now this is similar to the past, but they didn’t O.D on Tylenol, like today’s creative youth. In fact, I could just simplify this and say Emos and everything that promotes the whole philosophy of Emoism sucks. What exactly is Emoism? Well I thought I’d do some research and after 15 minutes I gave up. Turns out Emos don’t even now what it is to be Emo or can’t agree on it. This makes sense since I didn’t give them or anyone who listens to Emo music much credit for profound thought. This is going to be my last trend as I’m losing tolerance and respect for all of humanity. This trend has to do with gaming and the amount of hours put into it; more evidence that we will evolve with chairs instead of asses. Something I should have mentioned earlier is that we will be pooping out of our mouths as well; we already shovel tons of shit daily into the ears of everyone around, now it will just be literal. Back to the point, the hours lost playing games. I never would have guessed flashing lights to keep people entertained for so long, but then again a good portion of the population believe there is a man watching them all of the time and is judging them constantly, but loves them very much. In any case, it was all good because these game geeks would waste their lives in the privacy of their home, where they wouldn’t bother good decent people. However, now they are starting to consort with each other, through games like Everquest, Doom, Final Fantasy XI and any number of other games that abuse the internet. Now they know of each other and have LAN games, video game-athons and the like, which has now made it’s way into our news, our malls and our magazines. The over exposure of video games has given it the illusion that it is popular, so now the video game crews have their ranks swelling with sheep. This swell has pushed the industry to new lengths, and new developments. The worst for society is without a doubt the MMORPG. A money siphon cleverly designed as a game. It works by being insanely expensive initially and then slowly drains your account of money with a monthly subscription. To further compound the evilness of this genre, they made nearly impossible to beat or progress without a full time commitment. The trap is flawless; it even incorporates ways to socialize with other people on the game, giving the illusion that the players are not anti-social, regardless of their pale and weak complexion. I don’t understand people who want to better the world, for everyone at least. What has humanity done that is deserving of a reward? If it weren’t for gambling we’d have nothing to be proud about. Well that’s all for now, more to come when I feel like it.

I hate Resident Evil. Since its success as a movie, other corporate executives and Hollywood jackoffs have tried to turn a popular game into a motion picture. What they failed to realize is Resident Evil’s success laid primarily on the fact that people like zombies. Zombies are kick ass, interesting and possibly the scariest thing people have come up with to-date. Martians, burn victims and small girls are not scary. I am, of course, referring to the two abominations to cinematography, Doom and Silent Hill. I shall begin with Doom and tackle the worst afterwards. Doom wouldn’t be a bad movie if you happen to be blind, deaf and dumb, but for the rest, with all their senses, had to endure a lengthy exposure to unhealthy amounts of bad acting, poor visual effects and an uninteresting plot. Enough can be said about the bad acting with one name, The Rock. I think this is an appropriate name, since rocks have approximately the same emoting capabilities. You could probably replace The Rock with an actual rock and you wouldn’t be able to notice a difference. As for the terrible visual effects, they tried way too hard to make it like the video game. It was too dark; I was getting headaches from straining my eyes to see. The last straw was drawn with the first person run through of the mine. I’ll grant it for being unique, and by unique, I mean completely fucking stupid. I’m sure the obese hardcore gamers had a moment of nostalgia, but the rest of the world who had a life could have done without the ten minutes of seeing a gun run around a complex and shoot zombies. It didn’t work for Rob Zombie’s House of the Dead – a video game movie I neglected to mention because nobody has the time to give that movie a bad review – and it didn’t work here, let’s pray this is the last we see of the movie rendition FPS. As far as plot goes, I’ve seen more character development in a bowl of cheerios floating around in milk. It most certainly didn’t help the movie’s entertainment value with its predictable story line and obvious answer mysteries. The shallow story did nothing to captivate you; this in effect destroyed the atmosphere that could have made it intense and frightening. If I were to guess, I’d say someone with the functional intelligence of a Rice Krispie wrote the story. This is phenomenally more than I would guess for the writer of Silent Hill. The general experience of witnessing Silent Hill is probably equivalent to listening to a yammering idiot co-worker; it’s that distinct piercing pain you get in your frontal lobe. It was hard to believe such a highly revered game and high budget would get such a lousy fruition. First off, I’m tired of this heroine bullshit. No woman will ever be able to amount to the ass-kicking greatness of Sigourney Weaver; especially not a retarded blond woman, who adopted a demon child. She made so many stupid decisions it destroyed any credibility that she was a responsible loving mother. Case one: She brought her mentally ill child to a ghost town, a town still blanketed in noxious fumes from underground coal fires. Case two: Drove away from a cop for no reason at all. Case three: Ran away from a gun wielding cop after encountering a dangerous being that spews hot shit at you. Case four: continued to pursue her daughter even though each time her daughter lead her to danger. My final case: Tried to go back home with the devil in her back seat. There are more cases of her stupidity, but I’d have to dictate the entire movie to get them all. The story was about as solid as a 70 year old man’s penis. Here is a quick rendition of the whole story. Stupid woman yells, “Shannon!” Monster comes out of nowhere, “BOOOGA! BOOOGA!” Then a long moment of silence followed by close up of a bush. They attempted to do some explaining in the movie why the child was evil and what this was all about. But it failed. The writers and directors all failed to realize that it’s a child. It is a known fact that children are insignificant. They are so unimportant, not even the devil would make a pact with them. Making the whole premises of this movie fundamentally flawed at best. Furthermore the whole point of the stupid blond woman was so this child could have it’s vengeance against some people hiding in a church; people who leave the church on a regular basis to scavenge supplies. The powers that this child is suppose to be in control of apparently works at random. In any case one thing led to another, and she got the demon inside the church. What could have been a very creative butcher scene puttered to a disappointing end with barb wire. I don’t know about you, but if I were cooked alive over hot coals, I’d find way more creative ways of punishing those deserving. I should probably mention a cop dying but she left just as randomly as she showed up. Then the end of the movie comes around, where I expected all the pieces to finally come together, redeeming the train wreck of movie. The director, in his infinite wisdom, thought a green bush would explain everything. But he teases you first, you think the small girl is going to lay down some more truth to her ignorant mother, but then it pans to the right so you can stare at some bushes for a while then the movie ends. It’s productions like these that make me happy that we have venereal diseases and cancer. If the universe has any sense of nemesis, all of the affiliates to these atrocious movies will contract horrid organ melting diseases. With the abominations produced so far I don’t have much faith left for the Halo movie coming soon. I can only hope the apocalypse comes before then. If it doesn’t, it will happen after the movie. I can see a lot of angry nerds getting home and hacking into military nuclear bases, launching all of the nuclear missiles. Wouldn’t that be ironic, the end of the world invoked by a bad movie.

I’ve had enough, I’ve seen one to many protein bars, slim fasts, fat burning pills, caffeinated beverages, and weight gain buckets for me to take this silently anymore. I’m sick and tired of this unhealthy obsession over personal health. I don’t know how it started but, I suspect it came from some capitalistic yank that saw he could make millions by making up some garbage about what’s healthy eating. Then of course the fat, lazy, and narrow minds of today took his word of it and started to buy into to this untapped market fueling more biased research and the production of tapered food. We’ll I won’t stand for it anymore! STOP FUCKING WITH MY FOOD!! Let’s started with these reduced sized packaging. This pisses me off on three different levels. Primarily, I’m forced to buy half a portion of chips because fats slobs can’t control their eating habits. This is beyond injustice. I’m suffering starvation and leaving my chip craving un-sated so we can save a few thousand hearts from giving out trying to supply the surplus of body tissue on these human whales. What ever happened to passive eugenics? Whatever happened to it, I’m sure it’s where all my extra money is going. This being my secondary issue with reduced package sizes. I’m paying the same! Where is the logic in that? There isn’t any. The corporations saw this as an opportune moment to stick their penis just a few more inches into the customers’ ass. When will I stop being punished for the decisions, or lack there of, of the weak? Oh man, this makes me fume. All of this, as I stated earlier, is a result of weak minds. This is just another check mark to add to the growing list of reasons why I hate the general population. Is it really that hard to not eat? When did the idea of walking become obsolete? Questions I’d desperately like answered. So far, the only solution to people’s lack of self-control is to reduce package size…or to start taking things out of the food. There’s just no end to the imagination of corporate executives. Not only are they going to reduce the size of the portion, they’re going to start taking shit out of our food. This seems to be an expensive process because less everything some how translated into a larger numerical value on the price tag. It’s not just packaged foods, but meat as well. I’m proud that I get to live in a generation of lean cut chicken breasts and bacon with 50% less salt and fat. Multiples of 25 seem to be a popular number for reducing things. I guess nature came conveniently ready to be reduced in quarters. However, because of the reduced everything in our foods, they had to artificially pump the product with extras; extra preservatives, vitamins, minerals, omega-3, calcium, beta-blockers, carotene, carcinogens, and the ever popular aspartame. They just finished stripping my food of any value and now they have the audacity to pump it up with shit I can’t absorb because all the macro-carriers have been removed. Where does the insanity end? Oh right! It ends with me again losing more money, because now they just added stuff to my food. I thank you heartless corporation for allowing me to spend my idle money on frivolous things like groceries. If it weren’t for you, I might just have enough money to blow it off on real wastes of money; weight gain mix, power drinks, protein bars and slim fast drinks. Before I go ranting about the actual products, can someone tell me how these health stores can morally sell products to make you gain weight and lose it, all on the same shelf? I was almost knocked off my feet from the hypocritical chop buster in front of me. But I digress, more about the off the shelf “health” products that continue to make my blood boil. First with these fucking power or energy drinks, like people today need to be hydrated with electrolytes for their hyper-active schedule of driving to work and sitting down for 8-10 hours. Intense shit! I can see why you need this scientifically modified salt water. Why not save yourself the extra $2.50 and buy yourself some water? You think those poor Kenya super runners had Gatorade? Fuck no! They drank water and they still out performed us. As for these energy drinks, well I think it’s just another excuse to abuse a drug and consume more needless calories in the form of pure glucose. But I guess all those steroid-bloated, protein fiends need something to push themselves to the brink of a heart explosion. You know those guys, (specifically guys because all the women that follow this routine loose everything that’s defined them as a woman) they drink more weight gain powders than an alcoholic could feasibly drink alcohol without succumbing to alcohol poisoning; coincidently they both are doing incredible damage to their liver. Fuck, can you imagine the kind of meals they eat? The main course is steak seasoned with exported creatine concentrate, with a delectable side of bacon strips, to drink a delicate anabolic steroid protein mix with pureed sheep intestine. Yum! I can just picture the look on the coroners face after the autopsy. In contrast, we also have a marvelous pill that miraculously makes us loose weight. Something tells me there’s has to be serious repercussions fucking around with your metabolism. I don’t know, it may just be me. So thanks to clever marketing, I’m paying 200% more for 75% less substance than I normally would have from unhampered foods. I’m not naturally an angry or cynical person; I don’t even wake up this way every morning. All my high blood pressure develops throughout the day effortlessly as the world shows me yet another aspect we could do without. I can at least take solace that the population’s average health is starting to decline; maybe it’ll catch up to our national IQ. Oh yeah, STOP FUCKING WITH MY FOOD!

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Have you ever noticed that a crowd or mass of people seem to emulate the most annoying and ignorant person within the collective? It seems to start at a centralized area and spreads like a pandemic until the whole collective settles in a state mental inferiority. It’s truly a wondrous thing to observe the virulent effects of stupidity. However it’s impossible for people to deny this urge to become a mob. It’s a subconscious agreement with everyone in the mob to act as one with total disregard for everything logical. I could see a lot of people spontaneously exploding if an individual had the willpower to resist said mob influence. It’d be similar to an encounter with God. Our heads would explode in a shower of blood and bone shrapnel. I can’t see people ever developing immunity to a powerful contagion like stupid. Even after all is said and done, the crowd breaks away, the leader has left; the stupid hasn’t really disappeared. It’s like Herpes; you keep it with you while it lays dormant waiting for an opportune moment to resurface to a stimulus. A stimulus in the form of a wave patterns blasted on to phosphorus screen. That’s right TV. The primary contributor, reality shows like Survivor. These shows are designed to appeal to the largest audience possible. Since the show has produced yet another season, it’s safe to say this moronic show of daydreamers is proof enough for me that the media is feeding the disease to earn more money. A commonly known fact is that stupidity is regarded as synonymous with spontaneity and you’re more likely to make an unsound economical purchase in this state. I can’t really blame this solely on Survivor. But, I don’t have the time to list the thousands of stupid programming we endure everyday with near comatose levels of activity. So I’ll provide a few Station names that I think make the average person just a little more stupid. Fox, Life, Global, WB, Teletoon, YTV, A&E, Women’s life network, and lastly aboriginal channels. That last one isn’t part of a racist remark, rather a pointless endeavor to educate people about superfluous and inconsequential culture; as culture and diversity has lost almost all meaning to the overbearing stigmas and stereotypes manufactured by the media conglomerates. On the subject of media influenced thought. I really do think prostitution should be legalized. It’s one of the oldest and most profitable markets in the world. Sex is proven scientifically to improve self-esteem and combat depression. Is it really so immoral to sell someone an orgasm? Honestly, we as a nation, are more morally sound to sell a country bombs and guns knowing they are going to kill someone with them, than we are of selling someone an orgasm. Does that make any sense to you? Not only that it’s completely hypocritical. You constantly let products, movies, and shows use women to increase appeal without a complaint. We even have a commonly known credo, “sex sells”. I’m just looking for consistency here. If we’re going to be brave enough to say were the dominant species on the planet I really think we should start acting like it. Just think. If it was legalized there could be more government control. More Government control equals fewer infectious diseases being spread, a whole new market to tax the shit out off. Not only that, we are turning a useless parasite on society into a viable organ capable of supporting and bettering our society. Our unemployment rate would drop considerably if we turned it into a respectable profession, and like insurance, it’s appealing to a market group that’s always going to be there. I really don’t like democracy for those particular reasons. When I think democracy, I think of a group of frat guys getting out of a wild party all hammered arguing which of them is least drunk to drive them to their destination. The voting process is superficial and highly dubious, since they’re all incredibly drunk; popular guy wins. In every case the winner is never unanimous so they end up getting back seat drivers because they aren’t happy with the decision. So now we’re in a car with the supposedly least drunk person according to 51% of the people driving us to a direction none of us can agree on. To compound the problem the driver is being scrutinized and distracted by back seat drivers and their fellow supports. Where is this getting us? No where. We have no displacement and we’ve wasted all that distance. If the media is any indication of the majority of people voting, then I have to say I’m frightened. Who’s bright idea was it to leave major decisions to people of sub-standard intelligence who care more about what happened on Survivor than they do their elected politicians. This is why politicians are able to perform scandals and steal your money. You don’t pay attention. I think we need to go back to a dictatorship, just for a little while. You know, let people taste oppression and an iron fisted rule once more to remind them why we live in a democracy. But I have to give them some slack. It’s not all their fault they’re born in a system designed to crush your dreams and enslave your will to corporate masters. It all starts with childhood, your parents tell you of wondrous people of impeccable virtue. Only to shatter your beliefs that Satan isn’t real some years later. Then the Easter bunny is next, then you realize your favorite show characters are just actors and your world land slides from there. By now you’re approaching school, and the pressure is really applied to succeed and go to University. People crack, explode, surrender and just plain hand themselves over to a position needing to be filled. This all happens within 4 years, I have to say they’ve really mastered this slave training process; it used to be 5 until they found a way to cut corners. But slaves can’t be without masters so a few individuals ride to the top through connections or stepping all over the other slaves to get noticed by the other ruthless man slavers. The deception doesn’t end there, after you’re all trained and put into the work force they hand you small pieces of paper to conceal just how unhappy you really are. You buy a dwelling and buy stuff with these papers. Your dwelling isn’t much more than a building to hold all your stuff when you leave to go get more stuff. They encourage you to start a family by giving bonuses and social aid so the slave work force doesn’t pitter out and the masters come crashing down losing all their power. Isn’t it great how powerful people have tainted and distorted a phenomenal thing like learning? It’s amazing that they can’t even leave out emotions alone. They have to attach a power siphon to every one of us. Hallmark, if you truly love someone, you’ll send them a Hallmark. Diamonds, display your commitment to your love because Diamonds are forever. They don’t do this for money; the money is an object that represents power. They have a power over us to influence our emotions and decisions. Because we continually buy their product we are inadvertently agreeing with their beliefs and our dependence on them for presenting these emotions. But the catheter of all the tubes and plugs designed to drain our bodies is the CDA. The Canadian Department of Agriculture, telling us what healthy eating is through simplistic design. A pyramid. I find it highly suspicious when a food industry tells me how much food I should eat if I want to be “healthy”. Completely omitting the kind gene therapy they perform on our vegetables and fruits, the massive amounts of preservatives, growth hormones, and steroids in our meat, I still find it suspicious that the people who have most to gain from this are telling us how much to buy. I worry about people sometimes, taking stuff like this for granted. There is one place I’d like to see more drugs used; Sports. Before I explain the vast improvement on the entertainment value to be gained with the addition of drugs, I’m going to provide you with some reasoning. Firstly, I’ve noticed enormous improvements to equipment coaches and athletes are using. So already the game conditions have altered as the athletes today have more science to compensate for discomfort of bad running shoes. Not only that, coaches now have radios, walkie-talkies, surveillance cameras, and spy equipment so they can inform their athletes of important changes or strategies in an instant. If were willing to allow all this, why can’t we allow athletes to improve their equipment, their own body? Their body to them is a tool, a device to be used. Why not let modern science alter them to be more efficient. Health risks clearly aren’t much of a concern considering what they do is highly dangerous and excessively strenuous on their hearts. Now for the entertainment value gained. Consider how much more appealing a boxing match would be if both contestants were bloated with steroids, stimulants and a low grade beaver tranquilizer. I can guarantee you bouts would last many more rounds and it’d always be action packed. All weight qualification would have to bump up about 100lbs. Imagine the kind of Olympic battles that would take place, 2 runners side by side, pushing to take the lead when one of them has their heart explode from their chest. Can you picture the kind of overflow sports would get with more fans wanting to see more blood as two teams of aggravated steroid abusers beat the piss out of each other over nothing? It’d give reason for those grizzly bear suits, we could start mass producing them for the referees. It’s thoughts like these that are keeping me from going to the really good schools.

What is God waiting for? Throughout history society has hit lows that could only be described as a “fall of an empire”. That’s the latest euphemism historians’ use for the absolute corruption of society. If God was ever waiting for a good time to bring about the apocalypse and let loose the 4 horsemen, now would be that time. There is a small modest list of special people that should be privileged with a personal visit as a precursor to doomsday. The first group of simple minded people that should be penciled in for an immediate visit are the people that applaud after a movie has finished. Where the fuck do these pretentious cock suckers get off to think they’re going to communicate with light? Fuck you! If your going to applaud after a movie stay home. That way you only bother your family with your chimpanzee motor skills. The history of the clap can easily be traced back as the tattered remains of when people actually did theater live. You would applaud if the actors performed flawlessly or seemed too. In a movie, there is no need for applause. The actors are always going to perform flawlessly; they could do as many takes as they wanted. The reel jockey in the back doesn’t deserve any applause either. The sole purpose of that pimply loser is to put the fucking movie on. Challenging shit! But I digress, more about the idiot clappers; well the clapper. Did you ever notice? It only takes one supreme idiot leader to get the other idiots to clap with him. In theaters, before the movie starts, I try and find the leader. This way at the first sign that he’s going to clap I throw a cumbersome object at his head. Most of the time the clean up crew call an ambulance for him, but not too often as the staff is generally pretty lazy. On the subject of zealous movie goers, I wish all the anal retentive super geeks would just spontaneously combust. They don’t need a personal visit from the horsemen of doom, just some good old fashion quick death. Why? Because who the fuck cares about physical inaccuracies or incongruencies in a movie? Isn’t it enough that a group of people got together for almost a year to be people who aren’t usually them, and to dress like someone else all to entertain you? If you’re that fanatical about visual effects and scenery to be top of the line READ A BOOK! You’d be amazed how accurate and visually pleasing your imagination can be. Reading also comes with the added bonus of making you look like less an idiot. The next groups of mongrels to be eradicated are the parents, producers and children of children pop music and the tasteless soft porn music videos they spawn. The parents bother me because they’re exploiting their children to accomplish their own failed dreams and they’re ruining any chance the child had of finding an identity by forcing them to conform to the desires of their corporate masters. Way to go parents, this is totally going to help them out for the future. They can’t wait to be taken advantage of by creepy pedophiles and invading paparazzi. Don’t worry parents it’s not all your fault, if the industry wasn’t there you wouldn’t have put them in it. It worries me that there are people out there who are so amoral that they’re willing to produce garbage (and that’s what the music is) all to make a couple million dollars by legally selling child pornography. Sure they’re wearing clothing, but it doesn’t take much for the imagination to take clothing off. Corporate slim like this should be flushed down the drain, twice to make sure it’s floating with the rest turds. As for the children, well I just plain don’t like em. I say fuck the children. They’re overrated and get to much attention as is. So fuck them, lets get rid of them now so all those soccer moms and single dads can idolize and covet something less perverted. For this next group, I hope Hell has special section set aside for them, full of nasty surprises and terrible fun. These tone deaf, musical retards, who can’t write lyrics let alone their own name, the rappers. The man who once said, “alcohol is the root of all evil” never had the misfortune of having his brain putrefy from the detrimental wavelengths created by the shitty sound of rappers. Their music is so crappy; doctors are considering using it to treat cancer patients. However they fear the risk of death is greater than with chemotherapy. What bewilders and frustrates me about these parasites is the apparent inconsistency of their idiosyncrasies and their economical standings. They make millions per album, yet sing about the ghetto and the rough life of the “gansta”. If this is what passes off as authenticity today I say, fuck you! I can smell blue blood all over your white collar produced albums. Anyone stupid enough to listen to this shitty music, or endorse the gansta ghetto look should have their inner organs forcibly removed through their rectum. To compound the dire need for their extinction, let’s add the crippling of the English language to their long list of sins. If that doesn’t break the camels back it’s because the camel died along time ago. Well that’s all the irritation I care to share as of now. Enjoy!

You know what? I actually like people when I drunk. It's likes some miracle drug that makes stupid people seem less irritating. I really wish I could be drunk all the time. That way I might seem more like the rest of this dispicable population. Everyone, if you want me to become a more amicable or for the world to unite together. Promote my alcoholism, send me money or to poorer people than you. It gives you alittle taste of heaven and it's the one similarity in all nations. The production of alcohol, we should rally to that. we could rally around the supression of women another grand similarity to all dominant nations but you know that might make some angry, agitatied and vice likes vaginas. Not cool.

Well it's been a while since i've posted anything. Mostly because I can't get into the state of mind needed to write all my wonderful ideas into something hateful and cynical. This is because of the overwhelming amount of fun i've been having at parties. I haven't even managed to go an entire week with drinking and partying with strangers and friends. More amazingly is the number of strangers i've been doing it with. In a broad range of ages too. I think 16-24 would be an accurate range for the age of the chicks i've fooled around with. I was rather pleased with myself snaggling the last year University student. I love my life.

Dear political activist All your chanting, marching, voting, picketing, boycotting and letter-writing will not change a thing; you will never right the wrongs of this world. The only thing your activity will accomplish is to make some of you feel better. Such activity makes powerless people feel useful, and provides them the illusion that they’re making a difference. But it doesn’t work. Nothing changes. The powerful keep the power. That’s why they’re called the powerful. This is similar to people’s belief that love can overcome everything, that it has some special power. It doesn’t. Except one on one. One on one, love is incredibly powerful. It is a beautiful thing. But if love had any power to change the world, it would have prevailed by now. Love can’t change the world. It’s nice. It’s pleasant. It’s better than hate. But it has no special power over things. It just feels good. So be happy with that and stop trying to conquer the world with a false hope.

My pirate name is: Bloody Sam Roberts Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Two things complete your pirate persona: style and swagger. Maybe a little too much swagger sometimes -- but who really cares? Arr! Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Have you ever wondered why people always leave their name and phone number on an answering machine? Have you ever wondered why no matter how many times you remind yourself its Wednesday, you keep thinking its Thursday? Have you wondered if illiterate people play with their alphabets cereal? Have you ever wondered why contest details are always inside the bag? Have you ever wondered why hot dogs are sold in packages of 8 and buns are sold in packages of 6? Have you ever wondered why they call an airport a “Terminal”? Have you ever wondered why you shun cigarettes but drive a car to the corner store? Why is it that people complain about politicians but continue to vote? Have you ever wondered why they let a monster who promotes gluttony stay on show but they kill of two gay people? Have you ever wondered if a box of tic-tac could govern the states better than G. Bush? Why is it that people say “sex sells” when they are all against prostitution? Have you ever wondered why they call it cute when a girl hits a guy and domestic violence when a guy hits a girl? Have you ever wondered why contest always have math skill testing question? Why is it we call it an abortion when humans do it and an omelet for chickens? Why is it that we’re always looking to live longer, but keep finding new ways to kill each other? Have you ever wondered why Feminist never attack MADD for being discriminatory against everyone who isn’t a mother? How come they call it a “non stop flight” when you bought the ticket to stop at your destination? Why is it that the flight attendant has to explain the intricate workings of a belt buckle?