I just had a really weird dream

Logan quit being a dumbass and finally decided what he wanted, so we went out to dinner at a nice restaurant and like my whole family turned out to be there.  Then he pulled out a gun at some point and made everyone get on the ground.  He shot someone and then my Grandma pulled out a gun and chased him out of the restaurant. Except he just sat down at another table and hid his face but nobody noticed.  I went over to him, and his crazy best friend came too who was like this crazy girl.  He looked up with this creepy grin and said

"well, I guess I'm a serial killer... again"

then we all got in the elevator, and he explained it all to me, and he had these paper numbers that he had taken from his victims. He had a 5,6 and a 7, then I realized the other guy in the elevator had a 1 and a 2 so he killed him too to take his paper numbers.  Then I tried to get him to come back to my house to hide, and found a way to stay in the guest room without anyone noticing... then I think everyone forgot about the murder and we went out to dinner with my mom and stepdad and I think it was my birthday.  I was wearing pigtails and I had bangs, and wayyyy too much makeup on... it was pretty weird.

Then someone texted me and I woke up, so I don't really know what happened next...

I think I might finally be ready...

Have you ever felt a calling? Whether you believe from God or other spiritual being or just that it is what life has in store for you? I don't want to be a chemist.  I can deal with entomology, but what I really want to do is special education.  I've only told another person or two, because I've been scared to change, but recently someone said something to me along the lines of "you would be a really good elementary school teacher" and I realized they were right... I a junior in chemistry though... I feel like I've gone too long to give up, but I wonder if my mom would be willing to pay for a 5th year of school if this were the reason... I don't know... I'm terrified but at the same time excited.  I mean it can't hurt to look into it right?  I know what I need to do... I need to just go to the office and talk to an advisor about what it would take, and if it would be possible in just an extra year... I just feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and I think that when it came before I just wasn't ready to answer the call, but I think I am now.  I'm really scared, but I guess we'll just have to see what happens...

I never thought I would empathize with Dallas, but now I feel like Logan is doing to me what I do to him.  Ignore him most of the time and then hang out every few months so he'll stop bothering me.  I don't feel like I'm bothering him, I just invite him over when he's in the neighborhood or not busy.  I've been trying so fucking hard to be there for him, but I just feel ignored. I asked him to hang out this weekend, he said he's got an appointment in another town, but maybe next weekend. I'm tempted just to say maybe go fuck yourself because I"m sick of trying and just getting rejected.  Maybe next weekend will be 3 weeks from the last time I saw him, and a month from the night that I just need to know if he remembers.  DAMMIT I just want to know if he did it on purpose.  That would be a really mean reply.  Maybe you should just go fuck yourself. It sounds like the perfect expression of what I feel like now.  I don't want to be such a bitch, but I'm really sick of holding this in.  Maybe you should just go fuck yourself.  He IS the biggest source of stress in my life right now and it IS getting kind of old. Maybe it's time to ditch him.  I'm scared, but really sick of this.  If I could break up with milk I could break up with him even though we're not together.  Maybe you should just go fuck yourself.  It sounds like a better and better idea every time I say it, but twitter is too public a place for such a sentiment.  Maybe you should just go fuck yourself... maybe... maybe or maybe it's not him I want to go fuck himself. Maybe it's the concept of maybe.  i want a world where we know for sure. I've been burned by too many maybes. Maybe: You should just go fuck yourself.  Yes, that's it.  He can fuck himself if he wants, but it's not him I'm angry with; it's maybe.  Maybe: you should just go fuck yourself. I can say that because it's not directed at him, it's directed at the word maybe.  If only I could says @maybe you should go fuck yourself because I'm sick of your bullshit.  I know that sometimes we really don't know, but I know that when I say maybe it usually I mean no to Dallas.  Well it worked I tweeted Maybe: you should go fuck yourself, and immediately he replied saying definitely next weekend then, my sunday belongs to you.  Should I clarify, or just leave it at that? should I say just FYI that was directed at the word maybe and not you... or is it clear enough... or maybe I can just let him think I'm more upset with him than I am, because after writing down all my feelings I'm not really upset anymore... I just realized I'm on duty next sunday so I can't leave the building... oh well it's whatever It's only after 5.  Maybe I just won't say anything else.  Just leave it up to him, because after all I am kinda sick of making all the plans only to be shot down.  I'm not going to say anything else to him, just going to let him come to me... until I cave and talk to him first in a few days... but maybe that won't happen this time.  Well whatever... we'll just be a little bitchy for now and not let him know that I'm not really that mad at him

So, I have worked at the same gym for almost 4 years, and was counting on that job for christmas break.  I sent my boss my hours of availability in a text (her preferred method of communication).  I have heard a rumor that she quit, and it seems true, but I have no proof.  I don't want to straight up ask her because I shouldn't know at all, but she hasn't responded to my text almost a week ago.  Should I just say like "hey, I was just wondering if you got my message last week" or like "I heard that you don't work at the gym anymore, if that's true who should I contact?" I dont' really know, but honestly I'm going to be kind of upset if I've lost my job because she quit...

I've finally got a plan on how I'm going to handle the Logan situation.  I'm not going to let him do it to me again; if he picks someone else, everything is over between us, and I'm not going to talk to or see him anymore.  He's been leading me on for so long and if he's not willing to give me a chance at a relationship, which it is pretty clear is what I want, then I'm not willing to pretend like I can still be friends with him.  Now the question remains of whether or not i should tell him that this is my plan.  On one hand I don't want it to feel like a threat, but on the other I want him to be aware that I'm not letting him hurt me again.  I have no idea... I can see the good in both sides, and I fully intend to give him all the time he needs, but I think a year is long enough to string me along... It hasn't been quite a year, but it will be on november 22nd... I don't know anymore, I never thought I'd be in this situation...

So today the nostalgic-emotional-sadistic-curious side of me decided that I wondered what Connor was up to.  That's really dumb because he's an ass and I don't really give a shit.  Except I guess I do give a shit.  I want his life to be shit, and it's not, and I feel terrible for feeling like that and I really wish I had just kept the urges in... I mean he's not doing particularly great, I guess I was just hoping for him to think of me every time he puts his head on the pillow cry, but I know that isn't what's happening.  I mean I'm over him, but maybe I haven't severed the emotional ties as much as I'd wanted.  I never got any closure... I just need to reblock him on facebook and never look back... but that's so much harder than it sounds and so much harder than it should be

My birthday is tomorrow... and the only thing I wanted was to sneak a kiss as he left me tonight... but his mom got in an accident (she's fine, but she wants him to do stuff with evidence on the computer for her) and now he's not coming at all... I've been looking forward to this since he said he was coming, and now I feel like someone killed my puppy... so it looks like I'm going to spend my last few hours of being a teenager crying... great

So maybe I kinda misjudged the Logan situation.  It seems like he really is sorry... I've been out with him twice since the summer started but both times were in the last week.  So he's sorry and he likes to pay for everything. Last sunday we went to go see Eclipse and Despicable me and also went out to dinner.  Last night we went to go see Inception which was an awesome movie.  He bought me a pack of princess Silly Bandz while we were out... is that a sign that a guy is a keeper? Hahah not really sure... When I dropped him off at his house (or intended to at least) we were sitting and talking in my car and he grabbed my head mid-sentence and kissed me. He didn't even do it long enough for me to react and then he jumped out of the car because he saw his neighbor... It really caught me off guard. Though maybe that's a good thing because I really don't know how I would have reacted if I had had the time.  After that we went to Wendy's and he tried to pull a Lady and the Tramp with a chicken nugget, but I just bit the end off without awkwardly kissing him with a mouthful of chicken.  I was pretty much stunned the kiss the rest of the night... I really don't know what to do there.  I mean I'm not going to lie, I can't help wanting him, but I have to tell myself not to... or do I? I wonder what will happen when he helps me move in... Is that a terrible idea? Maybe not terrible, but dangerous? yes... but then again I like to live dangerously... ok actually no I don't really...now I'm just rambling so I'll move on...

I also seem to have misjudged the Lydia situation.  She's really stupid, and is incredibly oblivious to everything other than herself.  Being around her makes me really angry... and actually now that I think of it the thought kind of does too. I have to work with her at least once a week at the job I got her, and that just makes it worse. She hasn't picked up the fact that I haven't really said much to her that isn't entirely social.  Next year she'll be living in the farthest residence hall from mine, so I probably won't have to see her. I kinda said something to Logan last night and he basically said that one of her friends is helping her with her "modeling" (which she's pretty bad at from what i'm told) and he thinks she's really stupid too an he kinda does too, so I guess at least I'm not blinded by anger.  

So I'll try to be back to write another entry soon, but I'll probably forget for like 2 months... Summer ends in 2 weeks which is the most ridiculous thing ever...

So I think I'm going to try and keep up with my SitDiary more.  Well first in case anyone is actually watching I guess I should explain the whole Logan situation.  He's "apologized"and come to visit and sent me flowers... and then he kinda pretended like that made everything better.  I kinda realized that he's only really sorry when it's convenient, and I don't think I'm going to take it anymore.  From this I've learned that Lydia is a terrible friend who can't be trusted, and if she asks why I don't trust her I intend to tell her just that.  He's told me that he only lies to and manipulates her, but I guess that's what he does to people.  I'm sick of pretending like it didn't happen.  It happened, and he's not going to do any of the things he told me he would, and I'm done pretending like that's ok.  We'll see what happens...

So I thought of this idea yesterday. If companies can buy carbon offset credits, can assholes buy douchebag offset credits?  I posted it on Twitter thinking it was clever and a little silly... but Logan thought it was an excellent opportunity to attempt contact for the first time since April 1st... He replied to my tweet, but then also tried to talk to me on Skype. I didn't answer him either time, though I almost did.  I'm not going to give in. I don't know if I really want to even try to talk to him again, but I've decided I'm going to wait at least to the beginning of March, to give it a full month. I can't believe that's only 6 days away though. I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.