i'm kind of disgusted. but not really. i mean. i hope im not being lied to. if I am. i might just die. no. yeah. :[

i'm kind of disgusted. but not really. i mean. i hope im not being lied to. if I am. i might just die. no. yeah. :[

i'm kind of disgusted. but not really. i mean. i hope im not being lied to. if I am. i might just die. no. yeah. :[

today [ periods 1-4 ] are the last day of full classes. I cant even believe it. school is almost over. monday and tuesday are finals. wednesday is regents. the 21st is a regents. I was talking to cj, nicole and jessica and we cant even believe it. i'm going to miss them so much, I think out of all the people that signed my yearbook and were like. omg call me. they're the only ones i'd really call. they were my good friends this year :] i looove them guys. I dont want to be a senior, im going to cry. when I graduate. im going to cry. ill miss all my friends, they mean the world to me. S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! hm. ohmygawd. last night, nigel was being cute. I love him when he's like this. and it's amazing because his girlfriend has another boyfriend so I doubt that they'd get back together anytime soon. I know that's what he wants, but maybe for the better of things, they dont get back together. or maybe just for the sake of me. :] anyways. he asked for my number, and I told him a lot of things i've never felt comfortable telling him before. but last night I felt comfortable. he's amazing. he doesnt want me getting all hung up on him when something better comes along. and I told him that I havent found anything better than him, i think he's the best person i've ever met. i want to be with him. but with school ending, nothing would really work out. but you know, i dont know. im going to go, not like I have anything better to do. .. it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout S2.

today [ periods 1-4 ] are the last day of full classes. I cant even believe it. school is almost over. monday and tuesday are finals. wednesday is regents. the 21st is a regents. I was talking to cj, nicole and jessica and we cant even believe it. i'm going to miss them so much, I think out of all the people that signed my yearbook and were like. omg call me. they're the only ones i'd really call. they were my good friends this year :] i looove them guys. I dont want to be a senior, im going to cry. when I graduate. im going to cry. ill miss all my friends, they mean the world to me. S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! hm. ohmygawd. last night, nigel was being cute. I love him when he's like this. and it's amazing because his girlfriend has another boyfriend so I doubt that they'd get back together anytime soon. I know that's what he wants, but maybe for the better of things, they dont get back together. or maybe just for the sake of me. :] anyways. he asked for my number, and I told him a lot of things i've never felt comfortable telling him before. but last night I felt comfortable. he's amazing. he doesnt want me getting all hung up on him when something better comes along. and I told him that I havent found anything better than him, i think he's the best person i've ever met. i want to be with him. but with school ending, nothing would really work out. but you know, i dont know. im going to go, not like I have anything better to do. .. it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout S2.

today [ periods 1-4 ] are the last day of full classes. I cant even believe it. school is almost over. monday and tuesday are finals. wednesday is regents. the 21st is a regents. I was talking to cj, nicole and jessica and we cant even believe it. i'm going to miss them so much, I think out of all the people that signed my yearbook and were like. omg call me. they're the only ones i'd really call. they were my good friends this year :] i looove them guys. I dont want to be a senior, im going to cry. when I graduate. im going to cry. ill miss all my friends, they mean the world to me. S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! S2 ! hm. ohmygawd. last night, nigel was being cute. I love him when he's like this. and it's amazing because his girlfriend has another boyfriend so I doubt that they'd get back together anytime soon. I know that's what he wants, but maybe for the better of things, they dont get back together. or maybe just for the sake of me. :] anyways. he asked for my number, and I told him a lot of things i've never felt comfortable telling him before. but last night I felt comfortable. he's amazing. he doesnt want me getting all hung up on him when something better comes along. and I told him that I havent found anything better than him, i think he's the best person i've ever met. i want to be with him. but with school ending, nothing would really work out. but you know, i dont know. im going to go, not like I have anything better to do. .. it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout S2.

wow. I missed sitD so much. so much has happened that I never got a chance to update about. well. I updated my xanga. www.xanga.com/x3an_x_accidentxstilltrying the most recent, was Nigel. i'm in love S2! he's great. I seen him this morning. I havent seen him since wednesday. I was baked saturday [ because I went to my cousins and I recieved an oversized dime. ] and I started crying. I missed him so much. :[ but I hope we talk today. because I love talking to him. Oh. I went to Karissa's bbq yesterday. drama drama drama. Jordin was there, I spent most of my time with Jordin and Jesica. there was Jordin, Me, Jesica, Alyssa, Karissa, Ashley, Kira, Kayla, BryBry, Krystle, Sam, Sarah, Gia, Danielle,Frank and other people I didnt know. it was actually pretty fun. :] hm. I guess I dont have much to say. kbye. :]

brokeback mountains an amazing movie.

say that in a sentence. I feel chillin. it doesnt make sense. but I feel chill. not calm, or content. just .. chill. I had inschool suspension today. O_O it's a pointless punishment. it's a zoo in there. and they wonder why kids keep returning there. the same ones too. I think I got written up again, because I got sassy with the teacher. I dont like her, so she deserved it. good theory. I think i'm hanging out with Nick on friday. and Andy, Nemer, Krissy & Kaycee. I dont know what's going to happen, actually .. yes I do. it's more I want it too happen, but I dont want it too happen. i'm playing tug of war with good girl, bad girl. and i'm losing on both ends. i'm going to be drinking. I cant use that as an excuse for what I do. but it's going to have to be good enough until I can think of a better, half way decent one. .. tonights your last chance to, do exactly what you want too. and this could be my night. this is what makes me feel alive. in this moment, where we both ignore the truth it's all over. feel your heart against mine take a breath and close your eyes. ...

gh3y.

gh3y.

Hi, you know what I want, I want to be real. I want to do the drugs my parents tell me not too, and then not remember where I am. I want to drink 4 straight beers, and fall over my own feet. I want to expierience new things with boys that wont matter 10 years from now I want to laugh more than I cry, I want to laugh so hard that I do cry. I want to drive 50 miles to see something for 5 minutes. I want to fall in love. I want to make mistakes just so I can learn new things. I want to tell someone exactly whats on my mind, when it's on my mind. I want to do my make up bold, and wear my hair crazy. I want to care about everyone more than myself. I want to be wild. I want to try new things. I want to walk to new places, instead of drive. I want to wish on stars, and watch clouds roll by. I want to know a BIG secret, and tell a little white lie. I want to run through the rain and shreek at lightning. I want to smile. I want to think for myself. I want to have a crush on someone totally wrong for me. just to find the right person in the end. I want to make out. I want to cry over something worth crying over. I want to make new friends, and re-invent old ones. I want to feel infinite & invincable. I just want to live in this moment, right now.

yes. i'm calm. I havent been. last night I got my progress report. my mom yelled at me. my dad made stupid remarks. .. what else is new? I yelled at him. then it was all over. I cant go to my cousins this weekend. but i'm going to talk my mom into letting me go because I have to go. we're supposed to hang out with Cj tonight. and Eric, Kaycee's supposed to come. but she cant hang out with Krissy and if she cant hang out with Krissy she cant hang out with me. so I dont know if we're still hanging out with Cj or not. because we're all supposed to get crunked. but we cant get crunked if we have to walk Kaycee home. so basically, either Kaycee's going to ruin this for us. OR Kaycee's going to hate us. so either way, we lose. i dont know. I want to hang out with Cj, for reasons. ^_^ haha, the only thing im worried about is Kaycee not finding out. I dont care about the fact that i'd do it, I just dont want her to know. I dont want to hear about it afterwards. but what Kaycee doesnt know, doesnt hurt her ;] i'm such a bad friend . . . i looooooove how kyle touches my legs. lmfao. =)

Hello you. yesterday was a good day, one of the best. =) guess whose back? Nigel's back. He didnt go anywhere in the first place, im just saying that he's back in my life. I let go of my feelings to see if they'd really come back. and they did. He means more to me than I thought, and everyone knows it. .. I seen him yesterday after lunch and he was walking with Lauren and he didnt say anything too me. I actually got upset because she makes me irate, and he knows it. I seen Lauren walking with a different guy and I wonder why Nigel wastes his time, I wouldnt leave him for another guy. especially an uglyier one. I went looking for him, because I felt like I had too. and I found him. =) he put his arm out so we could walk, arm in arm. it was almost like he was courting me. I dont think anyone says that anymore, but it sounds really cute. we looked really cute. ♥. " whatsup beautiful " .. I miss him saying things like that, until I heard it and remembered what it was like. he used to make my heart flutter that way. .. AND we had an actual conversation. no one knows how much that honestly means too me. because we never have conversation anymore, it's usually a one-sided deal. me talking to .. well, air. we stopped on the stairs, and he asked me for a kiss. I kissed him without hesitation. it was amazing. ♥. we both missed that, and now I remember why. I dont know if I want to wait for him. even thought it's what i've been doing for a good while now. it's better than that other boy. I dont know, I still need more time to think. .. Last night, me and Jesica went galavanting around Amsterdam. we walked from walmart to guy park, then from guy park to eckerds. it's a pretty decent walk, i'm really tired too. I seen Nick. [ not the Nick I usually mention, this is another one. ] everytime he sees me, he just looks at me. he never says a word. I wonder what's going through his mind when he looks at me. .. hm, then we hung out with Seth for a while. =) ohmygawd. I missed him. it was really great seeing him again, QT like always. pft. I owe a lot of work in computers. i'm never going to get it done. I dont know why I bother. and I say the same thing every day. this is the only time I really update. unless something happens after 3rd and i'll update it at home. PEACE. ♥.

Hi, I was just thinking that. I didnt think it was a mood. but I have a really bad headache. it's due to the fact that I have a really sore throat. I came to school around 840. I got to sleep in, it was great. I havent had that nice of a sleep in a while. [ i've been sick for ages. ] .. I was on the phone with kaycee and krissy. kaycee tried telling me that I like nick. how can you tell someone who they like? .. it's like " hey, you like her, ok? " you know it doenst work that way. if that was the case, some boy would like me right about now. i'm not going to say I like him because I still dont know. i'm going to amsterdam with Jesica tonight because we're working with our old, wednesday routine. but my luck, he wont be working. I want to leave him a note on his car, but I dont know where it is and I dont know what to say in the note without sounding stupid. everything I say sounds stupid somehow. I was thinking, " hey, thanks for the good time friday night. let's do it again sometime ". but even that sounds stupid. i'm going to stop thinking about it because it's making me sad. Oh, I found pictures from one of our OLD wednesday expiditions. bfflz. ♥ .. big lots. =) i luhh my bestfwiend.

Hi, this really is bothering me. I have no clue why though. .. maybe it's the fact that he lied to me. or maybe it's the fact that he knew everything he was saying when we were together. and he's saying .. " I was drunk. " [ insert more lame excuses here. ] I feel bad, because now there's nothing I didnt want it to stoop that low. I cant just IM him and ask him to hook up, things dont work randomly like that. he approached me the first time, and I cant just approach him. approaching people makes me uncomfortable. it's outside my feel good barrier. [ I remember someone told me that from 8th grade, then I started crying. ] .. Oh, and the other wierd thing is how everyone I know, noticed the fact that my hickey was in the shape of a ♥. how is something like that not wierd. and my horoscope said something about my love dates and im finding love on the 12th of may. [ the 12th of may was last friday when I was with Nick. ] and it was raining that night, almost every song i've heard since was about rain. i'm thinking all of this is a little wierd. maybe something good could come out of all this, someday. but I highly doubt it. when he said .. " i'm not going back out with her " i cryed. ..edit. take back every word you said, because I can barely breath. currently listening: penny & me. - hanson. Jesica sort of lied to her mother so I could go to price chopper because someone works there. okay, he works there. and I didnt see him inside, but today he had cart duty. seeing him made my heart smile a bit. and my eyes tear up a bit. he has a way of making me feel a lot of things at once. i've never felt that way. but I dont like him, i've convinced myself I dont like anyone. but maybe i'm convincing myself so much that I dont realize the fact of how much he means to me.. I cant like him, nothing good comes from it. .. oh, he kept looking at me. today he recognized me. I wonder what he was thinking, I wonder if he was thinking that he broke a girls heart. or that he was sober when he said he liked me. and that he wished he could wake up next to me. and how when he got home from work, he asked where I was. what about the kisses, big and small. they mean something. or at least they mean something to me. Oh my, i'm sounding like I like him. do I really? .. ..editagain. so here, I am i'm trying. currently listening: always - blink182. i've came to some decent conclusions while I went tanning, 15 minutes in a stand up makes you think. I came to the conclusion i'm not made for relationships / boyfriends. i'm made for all the other perks. [ flirting, kissing, touching, etc. ] i'm always going to be dubbed into the " friend zone " and that's where i'm destined to stay, until I get out of this town and find someone worth my time. and I think I like this kid, but not really. i'm trying not too I really am. Oh, and i've decided i'm attracted to assholes. it's not an observation, it's a fact. the worse a guy makes me feel, the more I want to be with them and be there for them and I put my whole life into someone that treats me horribly. it's just how it happens with me. I think I kind of like him for that reason but i'm going to wait, and try again with it and see what happens. I dont want to let this go, yet. this should be my last edit for tonight. unless something GOODgoodGOOD happens. which I doubt will. peace. ♥.

this is bothering me more than I thought it would. :[ I feel kind of crappy. I feel really crappy. I feel like shit. at least I can admit it. today, " im not going to go back out with her. " fhsifhkhidhgidgd. i just want to do stuff with him. i hate my life. I RUIN EVERYTHING.

hi, whatever. I was going to write this long entry about how I had a boyfriend, but you know what. I dont have a boyfriend. it makes no sense I know. but Nick was drunk, we made out. he asked me out. I knew what to expect because he was stumbling over his own feet. but I was oblivious when he kissed me. it was kind of like magic, without sparkles. he made me feel cool. I know, that's a lame word to use. but it's the word I felt, I didnt feel magical. I didnt feel special. I just felt cool. If I had a crush on him, I wouldve felt more magic. but he was just another boy, with a cute face and a meaningless kiss. I dont have a crush on anyone currently, but I feel better that way. I have no one to worry about but myself. I dont know if I feel good enough to have fwbz. I guess if I were to be fwbs with anyone it'd probably have to be Cj. I dont know why, but it'd have to be him. I cant fall in lust with him again, so it doesnt hurt much. but Kaycee likes him, a lot. and I dont know if I could do that. we're all getting wasted this weekend. and I guess we'll see what happens from there. i'd hate myself if I was all over Cj. but then again Kaycee would hate herself in the morning too. but we'd hate ourselves for different reasons. eh, maybe I should try it. because he knows I want to hook up with him & do him a favor and he knows he wants to hook up with me & do me a favor. either way we both win. i've done too much thinking. and now I have a headache. i'm tired and my eyes are heavy. and I owe a lot of work that wont get done. I think i'll sleep next period regardless of whether I get yelled at or not. I need sleep. and other things. ♥.

Hi, actually theres nothing wrong with me today. except for the fact[s] that, .. the 5 weeks ends today ; and my works not done. .. it's raining. hard I got soaked walking into school. I did my hair all nice, then it had to get wet. I think it's greasy now, but im not sure. it might not be. Oh, and my bookbag smells like wet dog. =) cute, huh? those are the only 3 things bothering me right now. I didnt see Nigel all day, well I did for like a second. but he didnt see me so it's all gravayyyy babayy. I have no clue why I said that. ha. .. and im not planning on going to gym class until I get over Nigel, my plan wont work I was just thinking about it. i'm not going to gym, just to sign in and then i'm leaving and going to finish a test. then i'm eating food. =) i love my life. Oh, im going to gym monday. tuesday at the latest. I plan out things like this. .. I should go to the bathroom, then get things done. but that probably wont happen. [ the school work part. ] ♥ when i'm the reflection in his sunbright eye knees go weak, lips quiver a split second before they meet i'll keep dreaming, not another word sweetheart nothing is perfect, but it has to be someday so i'll keep dreaming, we have to be someday this is our annual if you believed what you felt you would be in love.

Hi, actually theres nothing wrong with me today. except for the fact[s] that, .. the 5 weeks ends today ; and my works not done. .. it's raining. hard I got soaked walking into school. I did my hair all nice, then it had to get wet. I think it's greasy now, but im not sure. it might not be. Oh, and my bookbag smells like wet dog. =) cute, huh? those are the only 3 things bothering me right now. I didnt see Nigel all day, well I did for like a second. but he didnt see me so it's all gravayyyy babayy. I have no clue why I said that. ha. .. and im not planning on going to gym class until I get over Nigel, my plan wont work I was just thinking about it. i'm not going to gym, just to sign in and then i'm leaving and going to finish a test. then i'm eating food. =) i love my life. Oh, im going to gym monday. tuesday at the latest. I plan out things like this. .. I should go to the bathroom, then get things done. but that probably wont happen. [ the school work part. ] ♥ when i'm the reflection in his sunbright eye knees go weak, lips quiver a split second before they meet i'll keep dreaming, not another word sweetheart nothing is perfect, but it has to be someday so i'll keep dreaming, we have to be someday this is our annual if you believed what you felt you would be in love.