So put on your best act.

"I'm so cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month! I'm so hip I have trouble seeing over my pelvis!"
Behind Blue Eyes
Listening to: The Who - Behind Blue Eyes
Feeling: annoyed

so.

it seems as though there was a mess up on some stuff.

that last post was totally from years ago, it just happened to pop up somehow as a recent post. dont know.

i was thinking. What if Hitler had been accepted into the Vienna School of Art?

Jesus, the differences in our society today would be astounding.

4177 hit(s) (1 comments) | give me first aid  
hey teacher
Listening to: Hey Teacher - Louis XIV

You keep on telling me these pretty lies

Well I’m just a girl and want you instead of the drugs that get me high

You keep on telling me these pretty lies

Well I’m just a girl and want you instead of the drugs that get me high

I’ll never talk out of turn again in class

Will it be alright if I see you tonight

Well, I feel like a bird in a cage

For you to notice me, Well I’d take out a knife

Suicide right on the stage

I’m like a fish on a hook

Water splash into the brook

Well, teacher says he's twice my age

Hey teacher could you ease my pain

I can only watch you so long

I can only watch you so long, so long

I can only watch you so long

I can only watch you so long, so long

Who’s your teacher’s pet?

542 hit(s) (3 comments) | give me first aid  
should let it go

im not gonna deny it

i wish i were dead

the fakeness and success of everyone around me is making me sick

im happy for them, yes

im just tired of being reminded of how much of a failure i am

298 hit(s) (4 comments) | give me first aid  
barnabyjones

its hilarious how everyone turns their backs on you just because someone tells them to.

192 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  
good gracious.

on the note o lying.

ive lied to myself a lot in this thing.

maybe i should start over. maybe.

250 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  
?ucmd=write_entry
Listening to: Spill Canvas

this is just another example of how life fucks me.

really.

i didnt do anything wrong and i get hellfire and brimstone for it.

im starting to believe that maybe god hates me.

or whatever force guides life.

for some reason im just not to be liked.

just fuck it all.

i mean, i can't fight coincidence.

lol

god, its hilarious.

im just like REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

wtf.

idk

im starting to hate everyone.

every scene dye-my-hair-pink-and-green little hoe bag and every tight pants wearing wannabe fall out boy douche bag.

pretty much everyone outside my little circle of tight knit friends whom i feel are intelligent.

i believe i just gave up.

i believe i just dont care anymore.

i mean, its stupid for me to be upset when i didnt do anything wrong.

truth is, i love kyle.

more than anyone or anything.

i didnt ever want to hurt him but i did.

i should have never lied.

i had a problem with honesty before

but i learned my lesson

and now,

lying makes me sick to my stomach.

ill be honest

with everyone who asks what happened when i talk to them about it.

i tell them the truth

if they judge me, they judge me.

most dont.

but you know. being honest makes me feel so much better.

theres nothing to hide when you tell the naked truth.

and its a lot less stress.

and i like that.

i still just feel sick.

because, i care about him.

i dont want to argue anymore.

i just want to try to support him in what hes doing and have fun like we did at holiday world.

im sick of the arguments, you know?

not like because of the stress,

just that i get sick when i argue my best friend.

i just get tired of shit happening thats out of my control.

death, gas prices, tuition, aids in africa, random shit.

i just feel like some awful evil thing follows me around and does shit.

just to fuck things up.

its ridiculous now.

i really need to see that therapist.

for sure, i will go out there next week.

i have so much to say.

i just want someone to HEAR me.

idk. its just sometimes,

i wanna say:

come on life,

throw it at me.

give me your best shot.

i just went numb.

171 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  
"an enemy of earth meets a messy end"
Feeling: abnormal

a year ago. cool. ive gotta write a paper. college happened. shit went down then back up.

i went to jacksonville. i moved out, and its not so bad.

i still want to cry a lot.

and i still want to see a therapist.

i just never do.

dont want to pay for it

want someone who will really listen to listen.

idk whats wrong.

ive got problems i know about.

but i cant fix them

i cant relax

makes me think i should be the type of person who smokes pot just so they can be normal and unwound. so i wont always be so uptight and stressed out.

jesus.

ive got to go.

ill pick this up again.

maybe.

theres so much here.

i cant forget or let go.

its the only journal i ever kept.

and i had to stop because someone was afraid.

well

im not scared anymore.

ill say what i want to myself.

188 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  
crazy

since ive last written in this, kyle and i have broken up, gotten back together, ive gone to colorado and chicago, helped make and play in a band, played two shows, recorded a 5 song demo, wrote songs, discovered i could sing, experienced the break-up of that band, gotten an apartment, gotten four kittens, three fish, and a newt, have painted more paintings in the last week than i have in my life, recieved money, spent it, gotten an interview for a job, had a two year "first kiss" anniversary with Kyle, cancelled a housing contract with USI, made a new best female friend (Cate), and out of that deal two very close loveable friends (Cate and her fiance, Brian), made countless more friends through the band, made t shirts, lost three more friends, gone celibate, had sex, buried a goldfish, taken weekend trips to Louisville and Nashville, picked up a new hobby (fishing), bought a pair of Burberry sunglasses, and had pheasant at one of the most expensive restaurants in town.

so.

a lot has happened in.... four months.

and you know

i only regret one thing.

the break-up of the band.

but

ive come to realize you cant make people do something they dont want to do.

and that ive got an out of control temper.

but all in all...

it was ok.

life gets crazy. and its ok. i get crazy...

its not always ok.

idk...

im nervous about starting a new chapter in my life.

and im nervous about losing the band.

im nervous about kyle and i... i want us to continue working so well...

im nervous about my mom... ill miss her... ill cry... sorry for being a little kid.

its a big deal..

college...

yeah...

i guess....

im just scared... and nostalgic.

243 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  

i want you to love me... more than anything.

i want to feel like you do....

176 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  
one thought leads to another.

damnit.

i feel like such a fuck up

all the time.

A

A

A

B+

C+

A

on the report card

and suddenly its the end of the fucking world

i dropped from 4th in the class to 6th

oh god.

out of 126 people.

honestly, im not too worried.

i cant do shit right for mom.

she cant be proud of 4 As and a B+

no

shes pissed about the C

and i feel like im a horrible girlfriend.

like i cant do anything right in our relationship.

i mean..

i try and say things to kyle.

just to let him know i love him.

and its like... EVEN though he KNOWS i mean well.

he takes offense to it.

i want that fire back between us.

i dont want our relationship to be "real"

as he put it.

i want that feeling of an "alternate universe" again.

why cant we try?

why cant i be forgiven?

im older.

ive more than enough proved my love to him.

id do anything for him.

ID DIE FOR HIM.

and im not lying.

ive gone through so many scenarios...

there isnt anything i wouldnt do for him...

this just tears at me every single day

knowing how in love i am

but not feeling like i can show it the way i want, or get it in return.....

ive given so much thought about what he said about his grandpa and grandma...

i feel so incredibly horrible for all the times we argued.

all the times i cussed him out... and vise versa...

its just...

i feel..

like...

im not as special anymore.

like... i am... but only to an extent.

im just there for the time being...

and someday ill just be another face in the crowd...

i dont want that....

i WANT to say those gay things to you.

tell you that id rope the moon for you...

talk about what a future would be like.

i feel like were just in the moment, living for today.

i, however, dont know what you want.

maybe you like it better this way.

maybe you dont feel so attached...

maybe im loseable.

i used to not be.

how long does one have to wait before they get forgiveness?

im trying so hard here.... why dont you see that?

...god... i just want to show you how i love you like i used to be able to...........

233 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  
i did it again.

i feel like i cant do anything right.

what the crap...

i was only trying to help.

and now ive gone and pissed him off.

damnit. whats the matter with me.

just learn keep my stupid fucking mouth shut.

238 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  
soddering iron.

WHY CANT THEY EVER BE DUDES!!!?

WHY IS IT ALWAYS CHICKS!!?

AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING CUTE TO SAY!???!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!?

FUCK.

171 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  

i want to see a therapist

171 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  
....?

god forbid i worry.

176 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  
euthanasia

its basically mercy killing

196 hit(s) (0 comments) | give me first aid  


Entry List
Behind Blue Eyes
hey teacher
should let it go
barnabyjones
good gracious.
?ucmd=write_entry
"an enemy of earth meets a...
crazy
blank
one thought leads to another.
i did it again.
soddering iron.
blank
....?
euthanasia
blank
blank
black holes and revelations
another flat tire on the road...
damnit.
what if it was me.
Demille
blank
thought.
blank
blank
prozac?
gossip.
its such a crazy feeling.
wonder...
words and what funny games ...
blank
blank
huh.
Claremont Avenue
foxtrot.
brain stew.
levanta
gypsies
blank
im a mess of insecurities
the powerblock
blank
yay
anyone at all?
there are times...
2
non biased, uninformative...
All you people are vampires
dancing with myself..
funky fresh dressed
i got bored too
my stomach really does hurt.
a myriad of culinary delights
just a thought
water puddle
oh god..
blank
its on my mind
one word.
from hot ashes to summer fires
oh yea, i remembered.
on life.
i love that boy
i wont hear from you.
an open mind... is not always...
just a thought.
odd.
blank
on the subject of...
make a list...
prettiest memories
when theres nothing left to...
eh. more gay poetry? by me.
they never quite knew...
what i meant was...
cuz im proud of my life.
the dandy warhols.
dear you.
the messages.
the truth is, i really do...
*slap on the wrist*
wow im fucking stupid.
happy birthday to you.
murder on the midnight wire
silent sililoquy
a bright red strat.
havent written in eons
i fell off the Stupid train.
noodles
blank
lets get back to basics:...
blank
LSD in the Haight-Ashburry...
potencey
all the way to the moon and...
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
told like romeo and juliet...
blank
you are everything i wanna be.
ouch. dont touch that.
buying life.
blank
this thing.
WTF!!!?
...... this too.
yep.
damnit. i hate me.
this is morning.
phil is... my heeeeero!
you could have called me.
i wish you read this so youd...
offender.
wrote it a long time ago....
... yes.
am i invited?
i really do.
still with the gun
lets make a toast
self reliance and blatant...
i need a gun.
pictures.
mirror, mirror.
they tell no lies
blank
disrespect, yo.
blank
six major food groups.
and mom would shove a fork...
peppermint schnapps?!!!!!!
admit it bitch.
chocolate milk.
in love
nobody
intended for dual use only.
youre drunk. shut up.
blank
theres a bird in my house. no...
elevator.. take me home.
what it means.
Channondone
this is pure cocaine: ill...
The Fall of the house of...
is that how you really feel?
hello dreamer
these dreams
wounds of blood and puss
harbor ghost.
only the young
doorbell
kaleb.
play dead
blank
chapter 2
i miss the TPK
sandra is.
david
these humans all suck
blank
feeding out of my hand
hydrogenated. heart.
double chocolate reduced fat...
blank
goodbye lempy.
homecoming
they said that somewhere...
ATI Radeon 9200
this spoonful
im sorry.
blank
blank
fortunate fool.
the bastard calls me "hun"
heres to vengance, wrath and...
hell in a handbasket
the breakup
get up and sing.
you got that damn straight.
fuckstick is my new favorite...
haiku
theology. i dont know why.
the morning announcements
(incubus)
background check
smile. like. you. mean. it.
blank
frank was here.
rise of the Pharisees
blank
blank
flash floods suck
leer mensaje
blank
its like gangreen, only worse.
foxtrot.
blank
tsk to the ta to the shame
church of england.
my handwriting sucks.
a heartfelt concern for...
blank
worlds apart.
i know, i told you before.
rockette style kicking
do as it says.
shame
stupid emo kid.
blank
raggedy anne the great
beautiful graves.
world renoun
realizing shit sucks.
pulling the plug on my name...
suburbia.
a little bit of resolve is...
fuck fuck fuck dance mix
need a catalog
put ya ramen into it
i feel like puking.
i love wilson.
hey. you guys suck.
everything tony
blank
i love jack and his mannequin.
gunmetal birch.
sham friends
little ghost
all hail the fall out boy.
people say i love you.
[anonymous (208.33.89.42)]
no. not stoned.
Im ready
Move along
dull hammers
knives cut things
afterthought
i wear my sunglasses at night
here we go.
blank
blank
no title for this really...
no phone, no phone
blank
angst sucks
blank
the longest entry to date.
blank
hello name
shelter for you.
yeah...
blank
the east side is where its at
tears so hot they burn the...
hello, Eli. lets be friends.
awkward and innocent
what i write.
the thing im good at
the 2005 Tiburon
wage me war.
L.G. Fuad
motion city soundtrack
turn THIS page.
bracelets
no such thing as denial.
the new chapter.
ass
im caught in crosshairs
im worthless and i dont care.
the sacrament is you
blank
blank
Your Evil Soul
the "i dont" cafe.
Buried alive by love.
of course.
invasion of the subconcious.
Dont Get Lost in Heaven, kid.
go on. push me. i dare you.
Joe Pistone and Donnie Brasco
WARNING: this diary contains...
anonymous (12.220.38.112),...
blank
documentation of my insanity.
the thingamajig saw puzzle...
times like these
The Tide
its not my problem now.
thanks... i think?
My Myspace
quizes and another fight.
the hokey pokey is what its...
blank
id rather be the show.
copying is punishable under...
blank
insomnia is exhausting
plexiglass
blank
i have a plan.
bondage.
blank
Franz is touring in late sept!
FUCK YOU FUCK THE WORLD
Foamy rocks ass.
and the tears come down......
blank
wrap me in gauze.
myspace?
a night at the roxbury.
poop in a bag or something.
suzis
yes. a bottle of scotch.
blank
mother please.
lets get quizzy.
blank
why isnt there tan goths?
yes thats right.
1 hour.
never mind.
peer pressure: the biggest...
Sorry for cuffing you to my...
pretty little picture
knight in tarnished armor.
damnit paul.
I hate poser girls.
Indie Rock n Roll
Michael Frey
blank
thunder rising
typing through tears.
box of photos
mike's "mental breakdown"
with marshmallows
bloody cold bed
trident tropical twist
this is to cresten.
born to be a dancer!
maybe.
Sin duda
blank
Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall...
!
damn.
No Better Place
blah blah blah and a home run.
129
teen angst sucks bitchnuts.
you asked me why...
blank
whats this?
dear Jacob.
fuck you mom. im not gonna...
i need ice cream
Frey.
really. its how it is.
do it bitches!
new top left pic. dude.
last night
blank
its all coming back to me
Shame on You
you owe me an IOU
my birthday is tomorrow.
bang bang, Gavrilo
blank
i hate you. get out of me.
its on sale at target only
the confusing thing
the s2000
blank
goddamnit. im hopeless.
schizo
round and back again
take this. its for you.
Two Timin Touch and Broken...
repetition.
serious thought
artificially and naturally...
Under the Gun
my hero, brandon flowers
paint it
montgomery, Kelly
post-it note mountain
STYROFOAM BANDITS!
75 percent
obstacle 2
if you listen.
sex change
goodwill t shirt
hacienda mudslide
mail order wife.
game demo
being different.
crazy karma
peace and love
cresten talk.
for those i dont know
eww
now... its mostly physical
stupid slut. wreched whore.
dont judge the grass
deep thinking.
haha!
the entry i wrote last night,...
back to school, back to...
the spirit
i ate cake
blank
My two cents.
THE DISHWASHERS!! AAAAH!!
whatevering
little bitches
about like that
.......man
dont try to tell me ur a...
the things i love about you
fuck shit
for one day.
i am Napolean.
SAW
stupid high school girl
sick and twisted??
im awake, i swear.
blank
blank
my white flag
This creepy old house
blank
naked ravioli
tieing up the loose ends.
privelege of sleep
love junkie
bittersweet
my heart in your hand
Anguish
Please Read The Letter
sail away
blank
dear creepy guy
the band band
stressing about stress
Bury Me with it!
dead tired.
no curses
Laundry Day!
sweet dude!
squash me.
Black Cadillacs
lover frustration
something familiar, something...
box in a cage
3rd entry today!
one of my sinner's prayers
color in my life?
wonder why wonder
still angsty
FUCK THE GOVERNMENT
just cant keep it down
things to do... again
assessing myself
a dream, a wish, a life anew.
once again.
Obsessed with the Franz
paul.
orange juice carton
chineese laundry
hurts so bad
How to Be Dead
in the recovery unit
my hero
dont know... almost dont care
dear cresten
suicide note
key off and Cresten
broken vase
drewbie doobie do
LONG LIVE TARGET
hahaa!
stupidity
bored with a quiz
Wired and Gaurd
Get ur kicks... on route 66...
groundhog day!
Casualties
reflections and robin hood
IM A HOOKER!
fuhuhquahgawds
makin theories again
sleep is a privelege
embarassment
hacken sack
The truth will make you cry.
stay home sick
random
obsessed with him
too many puppies!!!
damn near euphoric
Life?
i dont need him.
*sigh*
God, if youre there... answer...
i wish i was a stalker.
heat
Subordinate Clauses
Death?
The Spoken Wheel
Europe is so far away...
Droodlin Day
Chicken Salad for Breakfast
Never Ending Story pt 2
With a Wonder and a Wild...
Estatic?
I like this song too
The Wrong Company
Screaming at the Wailing Wall
soggy oatmeal
The Never Ending Story pt 1
Van Camp's Pork and Beans
sometimes you feel like a nut
Watch out, hes the king of...
the boy who called God she
lost and naked in the ctiy...
blargh2
blargh
*drools*
well hello -(that was a band...
532 post(s)