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Health Degrees
Piano Lessons

Friends of Hellboy

 
Tweaker Nation
Listening to: the sounds of the library
Feeling: abnormal

glass pipes dressed in white.

denial is the strongest drug.

he comes. he goes. he forgets. and then he knows.

fading back and forth and forth and back.

and again.

i say come back home.

the streets are a lonely place. where wolves lie in wait.

zombies. walking around speaking gibberish to themselves.

drooling curse words. and begging for change. money. that is. not real. tangible change.

welcome to tweaker nation.

north las vegas blvd is key.

he locks himself up with strangers in a room to ingest. digest. to breathe in those poisinous fumes.

he was gone 4 days the last time.

and i drank my time away. not caring.

he showed up on and off.

eyes bugged out. jaw grinding anger.

accusations of cheating. accusations of paranoia. of delusion.

all because. he loves those fumes.

chemicals.

given to him by scum that roam these streets here.

we/re in the lowest of the low.

but life is possible.

family is possible.

my riot. my shy. my ruckus.

deserve more.

more from both of us.

i drink to numb the pain.

he smokes to bring the pain.

a cycle.

a hamster wheel.

of hatred and resentment.

piling up like bones in a grave.

dug too deep.

and too wide.

but.

i will remain hopeful.

i will find my faith.

i will trust.

i will remain.

almost. tactfully. sane.

i pray for the company he keeps.

i hope he can stay clean while wandering our streets.

i can/t keep him safe all of the time.

but.

i can do my best.

i pray that this is the last.

very last.

horribly.

treacherous.

test.

 

531 hit(s) (53 comments) | Fauck You  
hehe
Listening to: n/a
Feeling: happy

You Are 49% AmericanAmerica: You don't love it or want to leave it.

But you wouldn't mind giving it an extreme make over.

On the 4th of July, you'll fly a freak flag instead...

And give Uncle Sam a sucker punch!

How American Are You?

Wow.... Jerrod kissed me last nite.... I guess I need to update a lil bit so after the last entry happened or w/e me and him had been talkin as friends or w/e like normal i guess and he apologized for believing her ova me all the times he did it and it made me happy that he finally believed me and was apologizing for being stupid.

So then we were talkin or w/e and Tiffanie, one of my best friends, out of no where saids ya'll should date and she hates the thought of us being together so i thought it was funna and i told him what she said and he was like yea maybe we should so I wasn't really sure wat to do cuz I like him but I don't want to be anything more then friends so we talked about it and decided to try it out.

So we've been hangin out and stuff and last nite i went with him and a friend of his, sam, to a haunted town and they wigged me out and stuff and they were drinking and i was like nope alcohol is bad lol then when we got back to my truck it was like pouring rain and he was going to jump out and unlock my truck for me so i wouldn't have to get that wet but then i unlocked it w/ the button lol but isn't that sweet? so then we jumped out in the rain and i like opened my door and he was like libby so i turned and gave him a hug and kissied his cheek then he turned my face and well yea... it was sweet and in the rain :) but im out.. i just thought I'd fill ya'll in Love ya'll xoxo -Elizabeth

1175 hit(s) (1 comments) | suprise.me!  
SEX POT
Listening to: OR NOT

He broke up with me on my voicemail the other day... "Fuckin Kick rocks, it's over" and he broke up with me because apparently I had all night to hang out with him and I just got around to seeing him at about ten... He didn't break up with me when I cheated on him with his friend... whom I have no feelings for... who I am not even mildly attracted to and seriously hate!!! I was fucked up and not thinking. I'm so goddamned attracted to Brandon it's ridiculous... I don't know why I even like him. I could get someone to treat me better easily... my friend beth even said something about me being single and I KID YOU NOT a blond haired hottie tellin my friends " oh, she's hot" he's a virgin. He's gorgeous. I don't really know if Brandon and I are broken up... I don't want it to be over. I don't care if he treats me like shit, which he has yet to do but even he's told me he isn't the nicest to SOME of his girlfriends. It's ok though, I boxed my recent ex so it's all good, I can take ya. But I feel comfortable around him, I mean nothing like John, but there's one thing that could not be too good I want to please him. I mean I seriously would do so much for him if it made him happy. GOOD SEX.

524 hit(s) (0 comments) | spill  
It's been a while...

Well, it been a long time since I last wrote... and to tell the truth not much has changed.

I passed the exam that I was previously worried about! YAY.

...and now there's only a couple more months to go before I finish my degree. Scary huh? I'll be out there in the real world next year... and I'm going to miss being a student I can tell you that.

Still not over Bernard (ex boy)... and had an interesting convo with him this morning. Basically if I say the word we can get back together :)

Just gotta sort my shit out...

931 hit(s) (2 comments) | i need a hug...  
Pressure
Listening to: Radiolab

I am 33. I am single. 

These are two innocuous facts, right? Just data. Just information. But almost every day something happens, someone says something, that reminds me: Your single and your eggs are getting old you're going to die childless and alone. 

People like to say "It will happen when it's supposed to happen" um... based on what?! Based on all the relationships in existence currently occured at the most ideral appropriate time and the moste ideal approprate way? Because noone has ever died alone and childless before who wanted a family? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sometimes it doesn't happen. Sometimes you die alone. Sometimes your reproductive organs age beyond the point of fertility. These things do happen. Will it happen to me? Yet to be determined, but don't be an idiot. 

This is a complete shock in my mind because I've always been, up to a few years ago. very firmly of the school that I don't need a man, I don't want children, relationships are nice but not necissary, I'm independent and complete. 

It's a huge shift, in my actual feeling. There's not a lot changed about the rest of my personality which is problematic. It's problematic because when I say to someone that I am bummed because the guy I have been most interested in has moved out of state when I feel like my career is getting started, they all look at me confused. There's no other option in the other womens mind to just follow the man- go where he goes. What's complicated, Meg, just quit your job and move to Bumfuck, Indiana.

Nevermind that I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Nevermind that bailing on my career could cause irreprible career damage... 

I want to go visit him, I do, I miss him. But... if I go I will want to stay... I will picture all the ways I could make that my home... 

But will that be living my life or ... just following a man.... but what if just following a man is what will make me happiest... 

I suck at making the big decisions.  

16 hit(s) (2 comments) | What say you?  
.I'm.Done.

++++++++

It was euphoric walking across that stage.

I fucking graduated high school.

++++++++b{color:white;}i{color:green;}u{color:limegreen;}

2273 hit(s) (3 comments) | Elaborate.  
Is this thing still on?
Feeling: contemplative

Tap tap!

-- Edit --

Sorry about that guys. I brought Sitdiary back but forgot to update some of the scripts so they work on the new installation. You should be able to write posts as usual.

For now, I have registrations turned off because we were getting tons of spam previously.

Scott

54596 hit(s) (48 comments) | comment  

I know what is there

I know the love

Waiting

In your chest

A fist

Ready to unclench 

1316 hit(s) (1 comments) | Erotic Polititians  
2/ Focus

Sometimes I just cant do anything. 

 

Literally. Anything.

 

My brain will not function. I'm lucky I'm able to type right now. I just dont understand how sometimes I am so good at things and sometimes its like I'm just a shell. Sometimes I'm so capable of things some people would be jealous of. And sometimes.. I cant even remember basic common sense.

 

I got upset with my friend last night. Idont know why when people say crappy things they try to cover it up with "I meant blah blah blah". Like I'm not aware that they arent perfect and that people dont say stupid things or even believe stupid thigns sometimes. Just own it. I get not wanting to offend me, but you did. And it was equivalent to saying "That's retarded" To a mentally challenged person. Basically blaming the reason he couldnt think and was basically calling himself stupid not by saying he is stupid but that he has autism. And this isnt the first time he's used this phrase of his to relay how stupid he is. I said.. "dude. You have said that before and its like you forget who you are talking to." And he says to me "You dont have autism. of this I'm sure". First of all, I do in fact have autism. However high functioning it may be. And that is a fact I didnt just pull out of my ass but was finally "given" to me by a qualified psychologist and psychiatrist and confirmed by multiple medical professionals since. "given".. like I didnt have it up until then. It finally explained a lot of things and I wasnt happy to have it.. but I wasnt unhappy either. I was happy to have a reason for all my unanswerable questions. And at this point in my life, I dont think of autism as a curse. It made me who I am and I like who I am.Most of the time. And I have overcome A LOT. And obviously I wish I could overcome the rest but I'm working on it. And I dont know. His whole "I meant..." explaination just made it worse. Because it was like "well i just meant that you are a very smart person blah blah blah" Being smart has nothing to do with it. And really, I'm not very smart. I have to work for what I got but there are a lot of naturally intelligent and talented people on the spectrum that are more "afflicated" than I am. Even someone who is that ridiculous steroptypical image of autism, that people love to assign to every sinfgle person on the spectrum, could be a freaking genius. Whether they are sitting around not able to talk, shitting their pants, chewing their hair.. whatever ridicilous idea you have about autism.. doesnt mean you know whats going on in their head. It has nothing to do with how intelligent you are. Or if you're verbal or not. It just made me so angry. Because there technically is no such thing as aspergers anymore. Its all considered part of the autism spectrum.

 

I just really hate when people say bs like "But youre so normal" and "But my cousins sisters ex roommates nephews etc etc etc has autism and you're nothing like him" etc etc . I dont even feel like explaining how ridiculous these statements are. People dont even get how in a single sentence they can discredit a persons whole existence. Fortunately Im in a good place right now and these thigns dont affect me quite as much as they used to. Not enough to stew on it all day for weeks and weeks. months. years. I guess thats what writing is for. And autism isnt who i am, but it made me who I am. Like a lot of things but it has affected me in every way since I was born. Its like going up to a person in a wheelchair and saying "You arent handicapped. i know you can walk". "Oh i didnt mean to offend you... i just meant you are such a smart person that Im sure if you tried hard enough you could just like.. make your legs work. Fuck doctors. Just try harder. be better. You're so capable of other things so its crazy you arent capable of walking. its so basic. What are you stupid?" That's exactly what its like.

 

Anyways. 

 

So I was already having a hard time focusing on anything and getting my brain to work and then that conversation happened. And at the end I'm the one who ends up feeling bad. You know the whole fight or flight response. pretty much bullshit. Why am I so "normal"? Because I looked at my character defects and try by best (i suck sometimes but i think I am pretty good) to work around them and blend into society at least in terms of what is socially acceptable behavior. And this whole "Oh I offended you? ok bye" shit is just SHIT. I used to blame my mother for it but now I credit her for my ability to confront my emotions and others. She took it overboard (ok lets face it, at times she was/is just bat shit crazy.. but she's getting better) but without that I might be as f*cked up in that area as everyone else. Just abandoning people and converations when I'M the one in the wrong or made the mistake. and everyone does it lately. and i'm getting really sick of it. I'm just glad I have been going to meetings.. because I dont know how i would be handling things and especially people lately. 

 

So I ended up feeling really misunderstood. I made a friend a few months ago who has aspergers. I stopped talking to him because I didnt want to make more male friends in addition to the ones I already have. I'm not going to fire any of my preexisting friends just because theyre dudes but I really want more women friends. Alanon is somewhat helping with that. But I made an exception with him because he has aspergers and can relate to me in a lot of ways no one else can. So it was nice catching up. Right now we are staying at a friend of max's because well. long story. But its aspie hell. I can talk about that sort of thing without feeling high maintenance or like I'm just a complainer. I dont want everything to affect me like it does. I cant do anything about it.

 

alanon is helping me understand that I am who I am and I dont need to apologize for it.

 

I have a lot of studying to do. But I cant absorb anything right now. Idk how to fix it. Its been like this for weeks. and especially the last couple days. 

 

Max and I are all over the place. I feel like the more I try the less he does. Sometimes it makes me want to stop trying. Its not fair to say he isnt trying. But he just plays games on his phone all day when he could be looking for a place to live or a job. He keeps saying he will get a job this week. He said that lasrt week. And he says for me to just focus on school. But nothing is getting done and I dont want to be at his friends house anymore. its only been a few days and its really hard. So I have been looking for jobs and a place to live. Everything kleeps falling on me. People keep saying to focus on me and take care of me. But those are things I need too. So I cant depend on him to do them. ANd i have to do it all. And its so stressful. But telling him that makes him feel like I am blaming him or attacking him. the other day i just said i need help and that i am feeling really overwhelmed, this was weeks ago and it started a huge fight because he took it as an attack. I dont know how to say anything. Things have been a little better lately so I dont know how the same conversation would go now.

 

 

 

58 hit(s) (1 comments) | pee in my bucket  
A strange place
Listening to: the whirring drone of the laser I'm using on an old man's backside

It's strange how I always come back here, just to check the place out. Like when you go back to your hometown and you drive past your childhood home. It's sad and nostalgic and reminds me of times when I was very, very stupid. 

 

But god, I made so many amazing, real connections with some amazing people that I'd never actually meet. This was the first open space in which I felt comfortable with myself. I was a weird fucking kid, and this place was full of other weird fucking kids like me, and it was the greatest thing. 

So many people I wish would see this. I have this tiny hope that I'm not the only one that comes around here every few years or so. maybe I just need a reminder that there were times when I was worse off than things seem now. I mean, being in my 30's seriously blows. It's this age of feeling like I should be successful by now, but I'm still young enough that I'm terrified by the opportunity to be a success.

 

I start an internship in Pasadena next summer (I missed the deadline for this one). Next time they send a rover to Mars or some distant moon, keep an eye out for me. I'll be the scared-looking one in the corner with the hipster Lacoste glasses.

 

Kate

 

 

1023 hit(s) (6 comments) | poot  
Beyond the Sea

 

I've decided to have a bit of fun with my colour scheme, as the brown - whilst one of my favourite colours and reminiscent of the best of the seasons, autumn - has been unchanged for years, and I felt like trying a brighter update.

 

It's a bit day-glo for me, but I'm trying to expand my comfort zone slightly. Plus, sea blues and greens and beach themes feel peaceful to me. I need as much serenity as I can get. 

It was also very grey today, as it's been for some days, so maybe this will speed the sun's return.

 

I've a busy week ahead, and I'm wondering how I'm going to accomplish everything I need to. In addition to tidying and sorting everything from the move, I've also got commissions for a tattoo design and a flood of mini felt foods (which I design and hand-stitch). I love working on these art projects, I just don't always know where to start. Where the tidying is concerned, I just own too many things! I've done a fair job of collecting a donation pile, but I'm finding I still have a long way to go in terms of reducing.

 

Speaking of which, another area I need to again focus on is losing weight. Between Dec 2016 and Dec 2017 (in fact, year almost to the day), I worked incredibly hard and lost 7st 4 (just over 100 lbs). Unfortunately, the hols ended up being a bit rough emotionally, and this year has been one of the most taxing I've ever had; I got off track and started making poorer food choices and 'found' again 1 st 6 of what I'd lost. I've resolved to correct this, and I know I'll again be successful, I just need to properly apply myself.

 

This sort of public declaration is another way of ensuring I follow suit.

 

 

1046 hit(s) (1 comments) | comment!  
1433
Listening to: Michael McLean - Hold On, The Light Will Come
Feeling: hopeful

Thanksgiving was brief, but good. Black Friday shopping, napping and church, it was all great! 

Until I got food poisioning that night I went home.  

Lack of sleep that night, going to work that day, puking twice at work, and missing the Polar Express Train ride I paid lots of money to go do with family.  I knew it was only a 24 hr thing, but that was the 24 hrs I wanted to actually participate in life.  The rest of the week I can totally check out.  But noooo... It's never convenient like that. 

I thought I was gonna die.  Okay, I didn't.  But it felt like it at times.  And I did find it refreshing to experience a different kind of sickness/pain.  I'm so used to sinus infections and I know I can't last long with those without screaming and gnashing of teeth.  But this was different... and not as long lasting.  I found myself grateful this pain didn't effect my nose and head this time. 

But I hate puking.  I can tell you the exact year and month of the last few times I've thrown up.  I remember it all.  What I really can't handle is the nausea which tends to accompany flu and food poisoning situations, but puking is a close second.  

My roommate always has a hissy fit when I tell her I was sick and went to work.  She uses any excuse she can to get out of doing, well anything really, sickness being one of the few legit excuses to use.  She doesn't understand why I don't use excuses to get out of duties and obligations.  *shrug* Besides the fact I was raised in a family of hard work. ("The cows and horses don't care if you are sick") it kind of felt better when I puked afterward. Just be doing the same thing at home as I was in the office.  Maybe at the office I might get something done in between. And I did skip the train ride I really wanted to go to.

Besides if I'm really sick I sleep and sleep and sleep.  She sits on the couch and watches TV like usual, so you can never really tell if she's sick or not.  But going home to sleep when your stomach is indecisive on when it wants to eject stuff has never really turned out well for me. 

Still afraid of food... but that's okay. Stomach still a little sensitive.  I'll only eat what I'm willing to throw up, which isn't much. Maybe I'll get a little skinnier.  Maybe I can keep my stomach/appetite smaller, healthier. One step at a time.  I've graduated to bread now. woohoo.  Actually, my body hurts all over.  It's amazing the muscles it takes when you are wretching.  Muscles you never knew you had/needed to pay homeage to the porcelain god.  Scared to take any pain killer tho. 

Just a small blip in the grand scheme of things.  Life temporary on hold for 24 hrs.  No big deal.  Time to move on. 

Well, I survived! 

Just had to hold on. 

 

"The message of this moment is so clear

And as certain as the rising of the sun

When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear

Just hold on, hold on

The light will come

 

Everyone who’s ever tried and failed

Stands much taller when the victory’s won

And those who’ve been in darkness for awhile

Kneel much longer when

The light has come

 

It’s a message everyone of us must learn

That the answers never come without a fight

And when it seems you’ve struggled far too long

Just hold on, hold on 

There will be light

Hold on, hold on, the light will come

Hold on, hold on, the light will come

 

If you feel trapped inside a never ending night

If you’ve forgotten how it feels to feel the light

If you’re half crazy thinking you’re the only one

Who’s afraid the light will never really come

Just hold on, hold on the light will come

 

The message of this moment is so clear

And as certain as the rising of the sun

When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear

Just hold on, hold on the light will come"

 

-Michael McLean : "Hold On, The Light will Come" 

 

Going to see The Forgotten Carols this Saturday starring Michael McLean.  Juss revisiting my favorite song of his.

I totally want to spend my holiday bonus on season tickets to the theatre for next year!  I won't spend that much money to get a gym membership even tho I've been going for like two plus years, but for the theatre, sure!  Merry Christmas to me! 

 

47 hit(s) (1 comments) | Love, me  
[139] Shadows Still Remain
Listening to: November Rain - Guns & Roses
Feeling: frazzled

It's been awhile since I've made an entry. I don't know what to say other than it sucks but it's hard to remember to update here when I have so many things going on in real life all the time.

I'm in my second semester of college and it's been pretty good so far. The work is pretty daunting but I'm fighting to keep my perfect GPA.

 

As of yesterday I've moved into what I hope is my permanent living situation - for at least a few years, anyway. I haven't been in a house in a while so it's nice to not be in an apartment anymore. I can blast my music again. Which is really good.

I've been working hard on my projects and trying to get them to completion. I am hoping to finish with them by December. Which means a shit ton of baking, two books out, and my TCG ready to be Kickstartered.

I've also started talking to a few people from the SC again. It's been really great and I'm glad we're able to talk and let go of the previous BS drama. Probably helps that I've matured and I'm sure they have also. But it's nice.

I've been fighting again to get my anxiety in order...which always happens this time of year. You'd think I'd be used to it by now but it just sucks. I wonder if I'll ever be fully rid of it. Probably not, but I gotta have hope. And I refuse to let it stand in my way.

 

I'm going to do great things.

124 hit(s) (1 comments) | Tell me everything.  
fuck eta

about to go to the hospital with my pregnant cousin. and my heart is about to explode. everyone else is going to meet us there. 

21 hit(s) (2 comments) | leave comment  
 
 
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