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Health Degrees
Piano Lessons

Friends of Hellboy

Tweaker Nation
Listening to: the sounds of the library
Feeling: abnormal

glass pipes dressed in white.

denial is the strongest drug.

he comes. he goes. he forgets. and then he knows.

fading back and forth and forth and back.

and again.

i say come back home.

the streets are a lonely place. where wolves lie in wait.

zombies. walking around speaking gibberish to themselves.

drooling curse words. and begging for change. money. that is. not real. tangible change.

welcome to tweaker nation.

north las vegas blvd is key.

he locks himself up with strangers in a room to ingest. digest. to breathe in those poisinous fumes.

he was gone 4 days the last time.

and i drank my time away. not caring.

he showed up on and off.

eyes bugged out. jaw grinding anger.

accusations of cheating. accusations of paranoia. of delusion.

all because. he loves those fumes.


given to him by scum that roam these streets here.

we/re in the lowest of the low.

but life is possible.

family is possible.

my riot. my shy. my ruckus.

deserve more.

more from both of us.

i drink to numb the pain.

he smokes to bring the pain.

a cycle.

a hamster wheel.

of hatred and resentment.

piling up like bones in a grave.

dug too deep.

and too wide.


i will remain hopeful.

i will find my faith.

i will trust.

i will remain.

almost. tactfully. sane.

i pray for the company he keeps.

i hope he can stay clean while wandering our streets.

i can/t keep him safe all of the time.


i can do my best.

i pray that this is the last.

very last.





439 hit(s) (40 comments) | Fauck You  
Listening to: n/a
Feeling: happy

You Are 49% AmericanAmerica: You don't love it or want to leave it.

But you wouldn't mind giving it an extreme make over.

On the 4th of July, you'll fly a freak flag instead...

And give Uncle Sam a sucker punch!

How American Are You?

Wow.... Jerrod kissed me last nite.... I guess I need to update a lil bit so after the last entry happened or w/e me and him had been talkin as friends or w/e like normal i guess and he apologized for believing her ova me all the times he did it and it made me happy that he finally believed me and was apologizing for being stupid.

So then we were talkin or w/e and Tiffanie, one of my best friends, out of no where saids ya'll should date and she hates the thought of us being together so i thought it was funna and i told him what she said and he was like yea maybe we should so I wasn't really sure wat to do cuz I like him but I don't want to be anything more then friends so we talked about it and decided to try it out.

So we've been hangin out and stuff and last nite i went with him and a friend of his, sam, to a haunted town and they wigged me out and stuff and they were drinking and i was like nope alcohol is bad lol then when we got back to my truck it was like pouring rain and he was going to jump out and unlock my truck for me so i wouldn't have to get that wet but then i unlocked it w/ the button lol but isn't that sweet? so then we jumped out in the rain and i like opened my door and he was like libby so i turned and gave him a hug and kissied his cheek then he turned my face and well yea... it was sweet and in the rain :) but im out.. i just thought I'd fill ya'll in Love ya'll xoxo -Elizabeth

1137 hit(s) (1 comments) | suprise.me!  
Listening to: OR NOT

He broke up with me on my voicemail the other day... "Fuckin Kick rocks, it's over" and he broke up with me because apparently I had all night to hang out with him and I just got around to seeing him at about ten... He didn't break up with me when I cheated on him with his friend... whom I have no feelings for... who I am not even mildly attracted to and seriously hate!!! I was fucked up and not thinking. I'm so goddamned attracted to Brandon it's ridiculous... I don't know why I even like him. I could get someone to treat me better easily... my friend beth even said something about me being single and I KID YOU NOT a blond haired hottie tellin my friends " oh, she's hot" he's a virgin. He's gorgeous. I don't really know if Brandon and I are broken up... I don't want it to be over. I don't care if he treats me like shit, which he has yet to do but even he's told me he isn't the nicest to SOME of his girlfriends. It's ok though, I boxed my recent ex so it's all good, I can take ya. But I feel comfortable around him, I mean nothing like John, but there's one thing that could not be too good I want to please him. I mean I seriously would do so much for him if it made him happy. GOOD SEX.

506 hit(s) (0 comments) | spill  
It's been a while...

Well, it been a long time since I last wrote... and to tell the truth not much has changed.

I passed the exam that I was previously worried about! YAY.

...and now there's only a couple more months to go before I finish my degree. Scary huh? I'll be out there in the real world next year... and I'm going to miss being a student I can tell you that.

Still not over Bernard (ex boy)... and had an interesting convo with him this morning. Basically if I say the word we can get back together :)

Just gotta sort my shit out...

892 hit(s) (2 comments) | i need a hug...  
Is it just me?
Listening to: The ceiling fan

Years ago... roughly ten years ago in fact... this site... it died. 

Not a clear sudden death. It was more like a slow atrophy where the neglect of one user begat the neglect of another. 

I watched and waited wide eyed and hopeful for a last gasp of life for a time but ultimately I too sought self expression elswhere. 

In a bout of irony I find the once vibrant roaring fire of a community to have cooled and the smoke has disapated as I return here hoping... 

Almost 15 years of blogging and what have I to show for it?

Two ghost towns. 



184 hit(s) (3 comments) | What say you?  


It was euphoric walking across that stage.

I fucking graduated high school.


2196 hit(s) (3 comments) | Elaborate.  
Is this thing still on?
Feeling: contemplative

Tap tap!

-- Edit --

Sorry about that guys. I brought Sitdiary back but forgot to update some of the scripts so they work on the new installation. You should be able to write posts as usual.

For now, I have registrations turned off because we were getting tons of spam previously.


51632 hit(s) (48 comments) | comment  

I know what is there

I know the love


In your chest

A fist

Ready to unclench 

973 hit(s) (1 comments) | Erotic Polititians  

i hate not writting in here. I try to come back at least once every couple months at least. but theres so much going on and so little since its all the same thing over and over and over. just cut and paste.


things have been crazy. I just want to get my shit together once and for all. I want a place to live where i feel stable and secure at all times. I want a job. I want to feel READY to move again.


And its not just easy as... "Jeni, you need to start putting yourself first" and making decisions that put me first.. because Im only here for Max. If we werent together I would be in california or europe. So I try to make plans for us.. and then something bad happens and it gets put on hold. and then i get scared to make more plans for us.


I got arrested at the end of september. I had an autistic episode. there's more to it but thats basically it. it was summer so

2326 hit(s) (4 comments) | pee in my bucket  
A strange place
Listening to: the whirring drone of the laser I'm using on an old man's backside

It's strange how I always come back here, just to check the place out. Like when you go back to your hometown and you drive past your childhood home. It's sad and nostalgic and reminds me of times when I was very, very stupid. 


But god, I made so many amazing, real connections with some amazing people that I'd never actually meet. This was the first open space in which I felt comfortable with myself. I was a weird fucking kid, and this place was full of other weird fucking kids like me, and it was the greatest thing. 

So many people I wish would see this. I have this tiny hope that I'm not the only one that comes around here every few years or so. maybe I just need a reminder that there were times when I was worse off than things seem now. I mean, being in my 30's seriously blows. It's this age of feeling like I should be successful by now, but I'm still young enough that I'm terrified by the opportunity to be a success.


I start an internship in Pasadena next summer (I missed the deadline for this one). Next time they send a rover to Mars or some distant moon, keep an eye out for me. I'll be the scared-looking one in the corner with the hipster Lacoste glasses.





899 hit(s) (6 comments) | poot  
Beyond the Sea


I've decided to have a bit of fun with my colour scheme, as the brown - whilst one of my favourite colours and reminiscent of the best of the seasons, autumn - has been unchanged for years, and I felt like trying a brighter update.


It's a bit day-glo for me, but I'm trying to expand my comfort zone slightly. Plus, sea blues and greens and beach themes feel peaceful to me. I need as much serenity as I can get. 

It was also very grey today, as it's been for some days, so maybe this will speed the sun's return.


I've a busy week ahead, and I'm wondering how I'm going to accomplish everything I need to. In addition to tidying and sorting everything from the move, I've also got commissions for a tattoo design and a flood of mini felt foods (which I design and hand-stitch). I love working on these art projects, I just don't always know where to start. Where the tidying is concerned, I just own too many things! I've done a fair job of collecting a donation pile, but I'm finding I still have a long way to go in terms of reducing.


Speaking of which, another area I need to again focus on is losing weight. Between Dec 2016 and Dec 2017 (in fact, year almost to the day), I worked incredibly hard and lost 7st 4 (just over 100 lbs). Unfortunately, the hols ended up being a bit rough emotionally, and this year has been one of the most taxing I've ever had; I got off track and started making poorer food choices and 'found' again 1 st 6 of what I'd lost. I've resolved to correct this, and I know I'll again be successful, I just need to properly apply myself.


This sort of public declaration is another way of ensuring I follow suit.



823 hit(s) (1 comments) | comment!  
Feeling: accomplished

Accomplishment today :  Parking the truck on first attempt (far away from other cars, of course) AND backing out of my stall and driving away on the first try (without a three point turn to avoid hitting the neighbors car). 

yay!  It only took til day four to do these things....

Borrowed my sisters truck to get a new couch.  Traded my little tiny car for the truck. 

With her husband gone to Japan it all seemed to work out, me coming to get the truck, she driving me to it, me driving it back, people buying things from her storage unit that day in droves, her sudden idea of emptying out her storage unit with the rest of the cabinets the last day of the month so she wouldn't have to pay another month,  me being there so she has a truck and a driver to help transport, us taking both vehicles and filling them up to reduce trips to storage unit, and the two of us and her son being able to manhandle all the stuff from storage, to truck to garage in the dark and in the rain.  Yaay.  Accomplishments. 

Then I got a new couch on Tues.  Yay. 

Now I just need to get rid of the old couch.  More accomplishments!


53 hit(s) (0 comments) | Love, me  
[139] Shadows Still Remain
Listening to: November Rain - Guns & Roses
Feeling: frazzled

It's been awhile since I've made an entry. I don't know what to say other than it sucks but it's hard to remember to update here when I have so many things going on in real life all the time.

I'm in my second semester of college and it's been pretty good so far. The work is pretty daunting but I'm fighting to keep my perfect GPA.


As of yesterday I've moved into what I hope is my permanent living situation - for at least a few years, anyway. I haven't been in a house in a while so it's nice to not be in an apartment anymore. I can blast my music again. Which is really good.

I've been working hard on my projects and trying to get them to completion. I am hoping to finish with them by December. Which means a shit ton of baking, two books out, and my TCG ready to be Kickstartered.

I've also started talking to a few people from the SC again. It's been really great and I'm glad we're able to talk and let go of the previous BS drama. Probably helps that I've matured and I'm sure they have also. But it's nice.

I've been fighting again to get my anxiety in order...which always happens this time of year. You'd think I'd be used to it by now but it just sucks. I wonder if I'll ever be fully rid of it. Probably not, but I gotta have hope. And I refuse to let it stand in my way.


I'm going to do great things.

33 hit(s) (1 comments) | Tell me everything.  
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