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Health Degrees
Piano Lessons

Friends of Hellboy

 
Tweaker Nation
Listening to: the sounds of the library
Feeling: abnormal

glass pipes dressed in white.

denial is the strongest drug.

he comes. he goes. he forgets. and then he knows.

fading back and forth and forth and back.

and again.

i say come back home.

the streets are a lonely place. where wolves lie in wait.

zombies. walking around speaking gibberish to themselves.

drooling curse words. and begging for change. money. that is. not real. tangible change.

welcome to tweaker nation.

north las vegas blvd is key.

he locks himself up with strangers in a room to ingest. digest. to breathe in those poisinous fumes.

he was gone 4 days the last time.

and i drank my time away. not caring.

he showed up on and off.

eyes bugged out. jaw grinding anger.

accusations of cheating. accusations of paranoia. of delusion.

all because. he loves those fumes.

chemicals.

given to him by scum that roam these streets here.

we/re in the lowest of the low.

but life is possible.

family is possible.

my riot. my shy. my ruckus.

deserve more.

more from both of us.

i drink to numb the pain.

he smokes to bring the pain.

a cycle.

a hamster wheel.

of hatred and resentment.

piling up like bones in a grave.

dug too deep.

and too wide.

but.

i will remain hopeful.

i will find my faith.

i will trust.

i will remain.

almost. tactfully. sane.

i pray for the company he keeps.

i hope he can stay clean while wandering our streets.

i can/t keep him safe all of the time.

but.

i can do my best.

i pray that this is the last.

very last.

horribly.

treacherous.

test.

 

808 hit(s) (80 comments) | Fauck You  
hehe
Listening to: n/a
Feeling: happy

You Are 49% AmericanAmerica: You don't love it or want to leave it.

But you wouldn't mind giving it an extreme make over.

On the 4th of July, you'll fly a freak flag instead...

And give Uncle Sam a sucker punch!

How American Are You?

Wow.... Jerrod kissed me last nite.... I guess I need to update a lil bit so after the last entry happened or w/e me and him had been talkin as friends or w/e like normal i guess and he apologized for believing her ova me all the times he did it and it made me happy that he finally believed me and was apologizing for being stupid.

So then we were talkin or w/e and Tiffanie, one of my best friends, out of no where saids ya'll should date and she hates the thought of us being together so i thought it was funna and i told him what she said and he was like yea maybe we should so I wasn't really sure wat to do cuz I like him but I don't want to be anything more then friends so we talked about it and decided to try it out.

So we've been hangin out and stuff and last nite i went with him and a friend of his, sam, to a haunted town and they wigged me out and stuff and they were drinking and i was like nope alcohol is bad lol then when we got back to my truck it was like pouring rain and he was going to jump out and unlock my truck for me so i wouldn't have to get that wet but then i unlocked it w/ the button lol but isn't that sweet? so then we jumped out in the rain and i like opened my door and he was like libby so i turned and gave him a hug and kissied his cheek then he turned my face and well yea... it was sweet and in the rain :) but im out.. i just thought I'd fill ya'll in Love ya'll xoxo -Elizabeth

1240 hit(s) (1 comments) | suprise.me!  
SEX POT
Listening to: OR NOT

He broke up with me on my voicemail the other day... "Fuckin Kick rocks, it's over" and he broke up with me because apparently I had all night to hang out with him and I just got around to seeing him at about ten... He didn't break up with me when I cheated on him with his friend... whom I have no feelings for... who I am not even mildly attracted to and seriously hate!!! I was fucked up and not thinking. I'm so goddamned attracted to Brandon it's ridiculous... I don't know why I even like him. I could get someone to treat me better easily... my friend beth even said something about me being single and I KID YOU NOT a blond haired hottie tellin my friends " oh, she's hot" he's a virgin. He's gorgeous. I don't really know if Brandon and I are broken up... I don't want it to be over. I don't care if he treats me like shit, which he has yet to do but even he's told me he isn't the nicest to SOME of his girlfriends. It's ok though, I boxed my recent ex so it's all good, I can take ya. But I feel comfortable around him, I mean nothing like John, but there's one thing that could not be too good I want to please him. I mean I seriously would do so much for him if it made him happy. GOOD SEX.

568 hit(s) (0 comments) | spill  
It's been a while...

Well, it been a long time since I last wrote... and to tell the truth not much has changed.

I passed the exam that I was previously worried about! YAY.

...and now there's only a couple more months to go before I finish my degree. Scary huh? I'll be out there in the real world next year... and I'm going to miss being a student I can tell you that.

Still not over Bernard (ex boy)... and had an interesting convo with him this morning. Basically if I say the word we can get back together :)

Just gotta sort my shit out...

992 hit(s) (2 comments) | i need a hug...  

And I will be canceling my ticket. 

 

Fml

83 hit(s) (1 comments) | What say you?  
.I'm.Done.

++++++++

It was euphoric walking across that stage.

I fucking graduated high school.

++++++++b{color:white;}i{color:green;}u{color:limegreen;}

2401 hit(s) (3 comments) | Elaborate.  
Is this thing still on?
Feeling: contemplative

Tap tap!

-- Edit --

Sorry about that guys. I brought Sitdiary back but forgot to update some of the scripts so they work on the new installation. You should be able to write posts as usual.

For now, I have registrations turned off because we were getting tons of spam previously.

Scott

57951 hit(s) (48 comments) | comment  

I know what is there

I know the love

Waiting

In your chest

A fist

Ready to unclench 

1734 hit(s) (1 comments) | Erotic Polititians  
9/ Analysis

 

 

"I miss you so much."

 

Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device

 

...

 

Something is wrong with me. These words are magnets. My eyes and my soul keep coming back to them since he sent them at 8:26am Wednesday morning. Reading and rereading 5 words. 5 words. His response to my 15 paragraphs. Some of which were only a sentence or 2 long but still.. this is all that he could put together? Oh, do you miss me? A whole.. 20 seconds worth to type it out.. send it.. and go about your day as usual? Schedule me in between other non important events like taking a shit.. or playing another stupid game on your phone for 4 hours. And even that stupid fucking game gets 4 hours. sleep. eating. walking to and from the bathroom.. all took more time and effort than this fucking email. And what does it even mean besides the obvious... because it is obviously bullshit. I know that. history proves it. God confirms it. I ignored it. Rinse repeat. Until here we are and I am finally finally finally trying to be so nonstupid instead of so nonimportant to someone who is or has been.. everything. I tear them apart. What is there to pick at? Its barely anything. But I'm nothing if not an overthinker. This is what I do best.

 

I. miss. you. so. much. period.

 

I stared at it for a total of hours at various times today. i pick it apart. Each word. "I". He. Him. Max. Asshole. Obviously you. I know it doesnt make sense but I get irrationally angry at the obvious use of the word "I". Obviously you, asshole. Obviously. Thanks for clarifying. Again, irational was the key word. But knowing that doesn't tame the fire burning in my bones. boiling my blood. stinging my poors and making hairs stand on end. Literally. Its not really a stinging feeling.. more like... a lesser version of those cartoons when theyre so angry that steam shoots out of their ears.. it feels like a small scale microscopic steam releasing from my skin at all times. And the steam inside me and regular air are enemies. They don't mix and when they meet it feels wrong.

 

Miss. I say the words so much they lose all meaning. Its no longer an emotion. Miss. Mister. Miss America. Mystery Science something thousand I don't give a crap that shit was awul. Missed the mark. Mark walberg. I miss. Yeah. You miss. You missed the opportunity to not be a shitty person and not do shitty things. You missed the opportunity to have a good life with the one person who did and would have stayed through anything. No. You didn't "MISS" anything. You fucking ran. Miss implies mistake or by accident. You purposefully planned. Everything. You are selfish. You are cruel. You are blind.

 

You. Ewe. YOOOU. Who me? Because it could really be anyone. And why would I assume he means me.. when he had me he was always trying to get rid of me. It was always so "wonderful" in the beginning. He has some sort of super powers or evil force. Some sort of wizard. idk. The power to erase my good judgement and replace facts with fiction. It always ran out faster than a pictionary sand timer. He only wants me when.. when nothing. I was going to say :when he cant have me" but its not even when he cant have me.. he just always wanted me to want him reglardless of the fact that he doesnt want me and never has and doesnt give a shit and never will. 

 

So. So what? SO... to imply how painful this is for him? Not just "i miss you" period. No no that's not good enough.. no because he knows I miss him beyond articulation. He wants to come to my level. Make me think we feel the same with a single word. Everything is so easy for him. Its a strategically placed "so" that's caught my attention every time. Every time. It wasn't an immediate fix, but it got me talking to him again. And I know he knows or at least he thinks he knows that he can just shit words out his fingers at me and get the same bs results. He sent it at 8:26am on wednesday. It is now.. 4:37am on thursday morning... I havent slept since I woke up at 1pm (yeah i know.. sleep is all bs right now) when i read ffirst read it. Its been almost 24 hours. ANd I know he was probably wondering why he hadn't gotten a reply in 24 minutes. Not to confuse "wonder" with "care". Curiousity doesn't equal love. And its only been 20 hours and 11 minutes. Its been excruciating. But slightly better than last night when all I could think was "he doesnt fucking care" over and over until my brain exploded and I died and a little hamster came in and took over my body and that's why I'm so crazy.. i have hamster brain. By the way, hamsters suck at relationships.

 

MUCH. much much much. munch. munchkin. I used to want a munchkin kitten. Its all I could talk about.. They're so effing adorable. I want to post a pic here now. But I'm not going to. But you know.. munchkin kittens are a lie.. theyre cute as kittens but as adults they look freaking weird. They're all stretched out and unhealthy looking. Who would want a hotdog cat? much. so much. muchness. Trying to convince me that there is any amount of "much" in his heart. He doesn't even know what much is. He has no much. He is muchless.

 

Period. Oh. Are you done now? Like I didn't know... its not like your email was so very very long that I had to scroll to see where it ended.. but you had to rub in the shortness with your very unnecesary PERIOD. Period. That's it. That's ALLLLLLL you have to say. Well, glad you got that off your chest sweetheart. For realsies. Because i know how much it must be killing him to be in a situation HE CREATED. I am so OVER my addict sympathy right now. It'll reset tomorrow and I can "blame it on his addiction" and call it a "disease" but right NOW... he is a fucking dick. a small chubby one on a fat man who cant reach it.

 

 

Btw its ok to say all this here because he knows I have had an online diary but he doesnt know the sit name. or my name on here. he was never interested. tim used to read my diary. i ddint even know.. he would make comments and I'd be like.. "oh.. you read that?".. "yeah".. all nonchalanty as if to say "of course". Like why wouldnt he? 

 

All that to say.. I can't sleep. I cannot fucking sleep. I need to sleep. I need to get things done. I cannot stop my mind. I'm going insane. I need help. I tried the whole anxiety medication back in june/july for a couple months. It just made me tired. And what is the point of taking away anxiety and replacing it with being tired all the time? I mean yeah I slept, but i was always groggy. And being tired when i dont want to be. or need to do important things stresses me out.. so its either be anxious or tired. uhg. So I stopped those. And sometimes on nights like these.. i think maybe they werent so bad. But no. I don;t like medication. I understand sometimes it is necessary and maybe it is but i just want to try everything first. But its hard to get that done right now. Everything is delayed. I have no money. I have far away money. future money. But nothing spendable. I feel poor. And I cant do anything I want to do. Now I'm angry at Tim. that's a whole other can of bs.

 

We stopped talking.. if you can call it that.. on Friday. At 2:30pm. And he sent me a mean 2 sentence email. And I replied with a quick jab.

 

But then I felt bad and wrote that 15 paragraph email at 2am Monday morning basically saying "look i dont want you.. and this is why.. but i care about you.. i hope you are ok and hope you get better.. etc etc.. i will always love you but im content and i hope you are too". non of that is verbatim. but you try cramming 15 paragraphs into a short sentence. And he said to that..

 

MONDAY  -  5:10am...

"You held on to us through my worst already. 

I can't blame you for not signing up to do it again.

Pray for me to find the strength to ask for help"

 

 

Now. Pre-alanon Jeni would have been fooled and started to convince HIM that its MY CHOICE and I WANT to be with him. He's done this a million times. Its always the same. Its 3 sentences.

 

And of course he mentions God. Because he knows thats what i want to hear. Jusdt like he would throq in budhism shit when tlking to teresa who is a budhist.

 

BUT. I did not reply. And then he sent the "I miss you so much".. yesterday at 8:26am.

 

2 emails. And I haven't responded. He probably thinks I am dead.. I haven't ignored him since last year when I went to Niarga Falls and New York and other east coast states. I started dating Levi. And then all of a sudden he wanted to be all... sandfjkgvsanefbsfdhjv. 

 

 

I'm tired.

Of everything.

And I will never know why but

I miss him. So much.

 

 

 

 

 

264 hit(s) (1 comments) | pee in my bucket  
A strange place
Listening to: the whirring drone of the laser I'm using on an old man's backside

It's strange how I always come back here, just to check the place out. Like when you go back to your hometown and you drive past your childhood home. It's sad and nostalgic and reminds me of times when I was very, very stupid. 

 

But god, I made so many amazing, real connections with some amazing people that I'd never actually meet. This was the first open space in which I felt comfortable with myself. I was a weird fucking kid, and this place was full of other weird fucking kids like me, and it was the greatest thing. 

So many people I wish would see this. I have this tiny hope that I'm not the only one that comes around here every few years or so. maybe I just need a reminder that there were times when I was worse off than things seem now. I mean, being in my 30's seriously blows. It's this age of feeling like I should be successful by now, but I'm still young enough that I'm terrified by the opportunity to be a success.

 

I start an internship in Pasadena next summer (I missed the deadline for this one). Next time they send a rover to Mars or some distant moon, keep an eye out for me. I'll be the scared-looking one in the corner with the hipster Lacoste glasses.

 

Kate

 

 

1334 hit(s) (15 comments) | poot  
Beyond the Sea

 

I've decided to have a bit of fun with my colour scheme, as the brown - whilst one of my favourite colours and reminiscent of the best of the seasons, autumn - has been unchanged for years, and I felt like trying a brighter update.

 

It's a bit day-glo for me, but I'm trying to expand my comfort zone slightly. Plus, sea blues and greens and beach themes feel peaceful to me. I need as much serenity as I can get. 

It was also very grey today, as it's been for some days, so maybe this will speed the sun's return.

 

I've a busy week ahead, and I'm wondering how I'm going to accomplish everything I need to. In addition to tidying and sorting everything from the move, I've also got commissions for a tattoo design and a flood of mini felt foods (which I design and hand-stitch). I love working on these art projects, I just don't always know where to start. Where the tidying is concerned, I just own too many things! I've done a fair job of collecting a donation pile, but I'm finding I still have a long way to go in terms of reducing.

 

Speaking of which, another area I need to again focus on is losing weight. Between Dec 2016 and Dec 2017 (in fact, year almost to the day), I worked incredibly hard and lost 7st 4 (just over 100 lbs). Unfortunately, the hols ended up being a bit rough emotionally, and this year has been one of the most taxing I've ever had; I got off track and started making poorer food choices and 'found' again 1 st 6 of what I'd lost. I've resolved to correct this, and I know I'll again be successful, I just need to properly apply myself.

 

This sort of public declaration is another way of ensuring I follow suit.

 

 

1474 hit(s) (1 comments) | comment!  
1445
Feeling: reflective

This week, Feb 12, was my 5th year anniversary of when I bought my house.  Can't believe I was only 24yrs old, technically.  Turned 25 two months later Apr 2013. 

But I suppose Feb 2018 was the last time I had VDay with a boyfriend, or had a boyfriend period. 5 years since a relationship, since being kissed, since holding hands... 

Jan 2018 marks the 11th anniversary of my career. 

Jan 2018, the Presidents Day holiday, also marks my 3 year anniversary of having my new car. Which is slightly ironic because I was involved in a little fender bender last weekend so now I'm trying to schedule an appointment on the holiday, three years later to the date, to get my car fixed. It wasn't my fault!  She turned left in front me. I veered left and hit her at an angle so I wouldn't totally broadside her or take out her back, or wheel wells and disable her car or cause more damage than necessary.  We weren't going that fast.  No one hurt, cars are functional, minimal damage, and no air bags deployed.  It's all good. 

Mar 2018 is three years without my dog now.

Its been two years without a cavity too!

Oct 2017 marked my 9th anniversary working in this office since 2009. 

And 10 years since I graduated college Dec 2008.  12 years since I graduated HS in June 2006. 

17 years of watching my siblings have children, 15 nieces and nephews I claim as mine. 

11 years I've known Arthur. 

In June 2018, my Hawaii trip marks my 15th major vacation in the last 8 years since 2010, not including reunions. 

In Apr 2018 I'll turn 30 yrs old. 

 

 

78 hit(s) (2 comments) | Love, me  
[140] Hello, It's Me
Listening to: Valentina - Alaska
Feeling: bitchy

So

 

 

This semester is almost done. I'm two finals away from it being over. I just want it to end so I can get a good mental rest because it's been pretty taxing. Also stupid anxiety has been surfacing again. I'm tired of it - it in itself is a huge drain on my mental health. I've decided after the holidays pass to go to a doctor and see about getting some help. I'm just so tired of fighting it on my own. I've been trying for over 10 years and it's just too much. I'm much better in some ways but still not where I need to be mentally. Even though my life is pretty good these stupid voices in my head won't leave me alone.

I'm also sick so that isn't helping. I caught a cold after Disney World (yeah I went there with family / fiance) and it was getting better ... until it got worse. Apparently it turned into an infection. I'm on antibiotics now. I'm sure most people with anxiety will tell you that when you're sick it just gets worse. Something about your body focusing on healing so your mental defenses are down? Idk. But it's happening.

I'm just happy I get to see my Internet friends in 2 weeks. I just hate that I've gained back some of the weight I lost. I was doing so well ugh.

I just need to do better. And I can do better.

I'm just so tired.

154 hit(s) (2 comments) | Tell me everything.  
The Monk Mode of Being -- Stage One -- Week One

This ever glow behind the paperwalls we see. Showing shapes of things we'd have never seen, if not for this gleam, this night, this pair of eyes, and mouths to agree. I am approaching destinations--a life of sedentry complexities. Two for 10; the extra will cost half of that. At the last, well see. I will be in San Diego for the next week or so. Then its back to L.A. I have been revitalized and figured out a plan of action. The details are not my focus, but this Monk life style I am about to put myself through is going to beg some questions. What do I want out of such things? Freedom within unfree spaces. And a way that I can love, without notions of possession. "Property is theft".

12 hit(s) (0 comments) | leave comment  
 
 
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