What do you do when you feel like there's nonthing left to live for except for one thing... but that one thing has absolutely no idea how you feel? When everything seems to come to an end, but an end that will last forever. If my tears had any power, I would cry forever. But i guess that was a choice.. I dont want to hear anything about anything... or any excuses.. It makes me wonder... Did it forget or did it have so much to lose.. If I could pull it back from where it's been, I would. Theres no way I could ever make it right. I'm beginning to give up.. and that's not my nature... no matter what, even when I was going through some of the most difficult times in my life, I obviously didnt give up because if I did, I wouldn't be here. But now, Im beginning to think I should really give up on it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to wait for something that wont come to me. But on the other hand, It's worth waiting forever though. I would wait forever for it, but I can't. I wan to and I always will be waiting, but I can't keep crying over the same thing.. I've cried atleast every other day for over a year over the same thing. I love it with everything inside of me. I thought I was giving enough.. because 'enough' was everything I had. If i had more to give, Id jump at the chance... but it seems like it doesnt even want what I have to give. Id do nething. ANYTHING. Just to know there would be a chance of having it. I dont know what to do anymore. I've tried movingon before... but it didnt get me anywhere. I still thought about it every day. Every moment of the day, every second, no matter what I'm doing, i cant get it out of my head. I just wish I had one chance. It's something I want to be with for the rest of my life, but I guess he'll never know exactaly how I feel.

- "Heaven isn't JUST a place, it's ALSO a feeling" - "Fear: the thief of Dreams" - "Some things have to be believed to be seen" - "Dreams are pictures of feelings" - "Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - "Love led me upwards to heaven, but hate brought me back to earth" - " Do you know at this very moment you are surrounded by eternity? And do you know that you can use that eternity if you so desire?" - "The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn" -Sherri

Hey... I dont know which way to turn anymore. My entire life has me so confused, i lost all of my directions. I'm tired of thinking about everything and im tired of crying about everything. I dont know about anything anymore. Ya know, it feels like a huge dream...flying above the clouds, ears ringing of harmonic music, smiles glowing in the sun, and eyes twinkling in the starlight, but all of a sudden, the stars fall and the sun disappears, and ur left in nothing. Absolutely nothing. Ya know... i just wish there was some way to change my past and predict the future. To just untie this knot i have in my life would be the most incredible thing that ever happened to me. ya know what, wishes for a christmas this year are very diferent than any other year. I just don't want anyone to hurt anymore. Sherri --"Don't fall for a fake love...jump to the stars and hold on to what you have." --"So anyone who really had a heart would take me in his arms and love me too. You couldn't really have a heart & hurt me like you've hurt me..." --"I suppose those that always seem so innocent are never really that innocent." --"When you're left alone with nothing to hold on to, you lose everything. You're alone, thinking of every laugh you giggled and every tear you shed. Every pain and every moment of your life. When the flash of life passes you by, you open your eyes and realize how fast you lost it. How fast someone or something came into your life and slipped through your fingers. Each tear that falls from your eye is each painful memory in your heart. Once again, you realize your eyes are closed, so in opening them once more, you see everything. Through each lie, through each truth, through the love and through the hate... You see yourself and you realize you lost yourself too." --"Sometimes we cry to figure out who we are...what we are...who we really are on the inside. When we close our eyes to see ourselves and try to forget about the words we hear and the pain we se. Close our eyes and get away from the real world where you're told you're nothing. The real world where you turn your head and walk away from the brick wall infront of you, knowing that you're nothing. Where we cry to be ourselves and we laugh for a disguise. But when your eyes are closed, you are who you are...and you're WHAT you are...nothing LESS. But when you open your crying eyes, you realize it was nothing but a mere dream...nothing MORE." --Dear Dad..."Tossing at night, and turning in dreams. Like a milky star-sky, it's not what it seems. I hopelessly wonder why I wait for you. When breaking my heart is all you do.

why wont the pain go away...i dont understand...i hate this! grrrr. Ontop of this, everything that happened to me wednesday..that just scared the shit outta me ( i cant believe that happened to me.. me!), and just people, im havin it rough again, and it sux....its not fair...i just dont get it... i dont think i ever will. sry..just venting. -Sherri Berri

well I never stuck to the mind set i had in my last entry.. .jeez. ANOTHER ONE! but, she was on the phone, and i wanted to flip! i hate that.. ne wayz....i just hope i have the strength to go through this all over again. -Sherri

In Loving Memory of Camille R. Becker October 22 1916 - March 10, 1999 God saw you getting tired And a cure was not to be, So he put his arms around you And Whispered, "Come to me." With tearful eyes we watched you, And saw you pass away. Although we loved you dearly, We could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, Hard working hands at rest. God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best. - I miss you Nana. I love you. -Sherri

the story of a cutter... Do you ever wonder why people do the things they do? Or why someone would purposely harm themselves? I do... and the answer is control... When everything seems to go wrong and your world is crashing down all at once, you turn to cutting yourself. You feel unworthy and useless. Like everything you do loses its purpose and you feel like you can't control anything that happens in your life. You hurt so bad inside, it feels so unreal. Your emotional pain feels like a dream, and there's nothing you can do about it. You get to the point where you've even lost control of your own emotions. Everything seems too horrible to be real, and you feel like you can't wake up from your nightmare. That is when you turn to the knife... To watch yourself cut yourself is the most real thing you've ever seen. To feel something real is the best thing that has ever happened to you. To see it, feel it, touch it, and know that it's there. Instead of hoping and wishing your emotional pain will go away, you make it. You can not see your emotions, you can not touvh them, you can not physically feel them... but a slice on the wrist, you can. You finally reach for something you CAN control. You thirst for the feeling of control again after your world comes crashing down and you've reached the bottomless pit of darkness... so you turn to the knife... the one thing you can control. Noone can stop you because it's what you do to yourself. Yeah, people can tell you not to, but you make the choice. You choose whether or not you want that self control of the blood dripping out of your arm or the pain of the slit on your wrist. The feeling of the pain on the outside directs your attention from the pain on the inside... and as you're enflicting it upon yourself, you forget about your world crashing down or the life you can't control, and it's all about what you CAN control now. And later, after everything is over, you turn back to the emotional pain you were going through, and it's no longer a big deal. You calmed down. And later in life you look at your scars and realize that your life was real... and still is. And each and every one of those scars was a time that you fell and screwed up. Now, later in your life, would you really want to remember all the pain you went through? Would you really want to bring everything back to life again and realive the horrible moments and tragedies in your life? Because that's what you would do if you cut yourself and leave the scars out to look at later. Remembering each pain and sorrow still leaves you with an ugly feeling of regret. And regret is what you will see written on each and every one of those scars later in life... To control something IS a wonderful feeling, especially if you've lost all hope, but remember, YOU're the one who controlled losing control. So think about it next time you feel lost, think about how you might have taken a wrong path and fix it instead of turning to the knife...Because cutting is what people do for all of these reasons. It's never too late to gain control of your life again...

"so anyone who really had a heart would take me in his arms and love me too. you couldn't really have a heart & hurt me like you've hurt me..."

Something isn't right. I can feel it again. This isn't the first time that you left me waiting. Sad excuses, and false hope time. I saw this coming. Still I dont know why I let you in. So take your empty words and broken promises, and all the time you stole. Cuz I am done with this. I can give it away. I'm doing everything I should have. And now I'm making a change. I'm living today. I'm giving back what you gave me. I don't need anything. Every where I go, Everyone I meet, Everytime I try to fall in love, They all wanna know why I'm so broken... Why am I so cold? Why I'm so hard inside? Why am I scared? What am I afraid of? I dont even know. This story never had an end. I've been waiting, I've been searching, I've been hoping, I've been dreaming you would come back. But I know the ending of this story. You're never coming back... NEVER! I knew it all along You're so predictable I knew something would go wrong. You don't have to call, Or say anything at all. You're so predictable. Everywhere I go for the rest of my life. Everyone I love Everyone I care about They're all gonna wanna know what's wrong with me. And I know what it is. I'm ending this right now.

When we stumble to the edge and trip over time, we're looking down into an empty abyss. With darkness staring us in the face and our spine cringing to the bitter feel of the cold breeze, our hands bleed of the tight grip we have on the sharp rocks and our ears ring of nothing. Above us, the dark cloud hovers waiting to strike and our wind stirs and boils, and in confiding in the darkness, we stare...anticipating what is to come. Though the fear striking witin is strong, the darkness overwhelms it and takes the rain. And we still lay there...staring into the cold and shattered mirror

Hey... well... i met someone... Lou... who isn't just a "someone." he's helped me through so much and he listens to me when i need someone there. God sent me the angel i was praying for my whole life. i know i dont tell him this, but i believe the reason i found him was because god sent him to me. i was praying my whole life for god to send me an angel to help me through everything... and it took a long time... but every night consisted of staring at the stars, wiping my tears, and pleading for some help... and all of a sudden... i met lou. and ever since i met him, my life has been so much better.. grannit... i still have some stress... ya know.. work, school, family.. stuff like that, but i wouldnt be able to make it through everything if it wasnt for lou. my heart that was, in the past, broken many times, finally feels free and loved. a while ago i said that hearts can be broken, but parts of it are killed... and after u kill something, theres no such thing as bringing it back to life... well, i proved my self wrong... no.. Lou proved me wrong. at first i was reserved in trying to be with anyone again because i was scared of getting hurt or having a commitment, but lou made me feel secure... confident...loved... and beautiful. beautiful. beautiful. beautiful. he makes me feel beautiful. special. important. i'm a better person when i'm with him... i'm in love. what is love? some peaople always wonder the answer... well, i believe love is something that kindles in someone's heart.. makes them a better person, and cares for someone so much that nothing could ever get between them. if it is strong, it will last. if it is good... it is true... and all i know is that love can be concluded in word... Lou. i love you lou... more than life itself.. and i want you to know that u have helped me so much.. and i am there for u as much as u are here for me. u are an amazing person. never change who you are.. i love you the way u are... every single detail, emotion, feature, and feeling. i love you.. and always will. -Sherri

Please help me. Who am I? What am I doing? How come every time I'm finally happy, I end up getting sad 1 minute later? Why are things still bothering me? I want them gone. I have no one to talk to about anything. Everyone thinks I'm ALWAYS upset. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about things because it's gonna seem like )once again) "Sherri's always upset about something!" It just happens that every time I talk to them, it happens to be the wrong time. People think I cry ALL THE TIME. That's not the case. I'm no baby. I handled alot of things that happened in my past very well, but people think I cry ALL THE TIME. I'm emotionally sensitive? yeah .. ok. I can handle things well, it's just everyone has the wrong impression. I hate it. No one obviously truly knows me. ya know, someone told me that not one person knows ALL about him becauae he has somewhat of a mysterious personality. Well, did anyone ever think I might have one too? Everyone assumes they know everything about me. Yeah, some may know the basics, but not 1 person knows everything. my past, anything about my future, or even the present. I dunno, I guess that's one thing that's bothering me. I dunno. I feel pressured all the time. Hm. I'll get thru, I always do. Just keep leaning the right way.

What is happening to me? Who am I? I don't know myself anymore. This isn't the Sherri I remember. Why can't I be fine again? Why can't everything be the way it used to be? What am I doing to myself? Why am I so confused? What did I do? I lied to people I never lie to. I ran from things I never ran from. I walked into things I never walked into before. I Why am I still worrying about the same stuff ive been worrying about for a long time? Why do I care? Why is the past still bothering me? Why is my mind torn in two seperate directions? Why am I still falling for everything? Why can't I leave? I don't understand. If "a rainbow follows every storm," where's my rainbow? Where's my miracle? No, I don't think that's the right question... I think the question is whether or not I SEE it. -Sherri Berri

FUCK OFF!!! IM TIRED OF CRYING!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!! TAKE ME OUT OF THIS FUCKIN NIGHTMARE>> IM DONE!

Hey...I've been thinking alot over the past few hours. I've been thinking about my friends. Ya know, can you imagine living a life without any friends? It's kinda hard to imagine. I try to stay friends with someone as long as I can. I cherish friendship. I believe that one aspect can change a person's life. Being kind to ONE person can change their life forever. If someone was sitting alone on a gym bench and was being terrorized , would you go over there and stick up for them? I used to be afraid of sticking up for people, but afterwards, it feels great to know what u did. lol. I thank God for the friends I have. Like I said, I cant imagine a life without y'all. LUV YAS!! -Sherri

I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase [Chorus:] When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase [Chorus] I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along [Chorus]