Father's Day 2017

Well, fathers day now passend and i have to say i had a very nice one. My eldest son bought me an Oscar Figurine with 'best Dad of the World' written on it, the little printed on some working gloves his handprints for me in kindergarden and with my wife he made some sweet fotos and they framed it. I'm actually probably the hardest person to get a gift for - but these hit it all. Thank you family.Usually the fathers here in Germany go on a walk with beer and friends, get drunk over the day and party.

I preferred to stay at home with my family and spent some time with the little one. We build a rope ladder for his treehouse, had some small lumber still there, so we carved the bark off, drilled some holes and used some rope to build the thing. It came out quite good and now he has 5 rungs to train his climbing abilities. I'm quite proud of myself in moments like this and im happy to create something with my kids.Later on the eldest one had problems with his motorbike and we had to check the carburator and finally found the error. We did it :)10 Years ago i wouldnt have the patience for this. Patience is something i really didnt learn at home when i was a kid, so im glad i found that now. With the summery weather we chilled in the garden, filled up the little plastic pool with water and just relaxed. My wife made a nice Pasta Sald for the barbecue. Everything felt so easy, i loved the day. No worries, stress or uncomfortable situations. Way better then getting pissed with your pals.

Family rocks.

Now im sitting on work and i'll just get over the day. Love coming back here and make finally a positive entry.

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Growing eternity

Kristina was at her therapist today and she suggested, that we make a couple therapy. Due to im obviously the reason she is not happy what other chance do i have as agree to that? I guess i'll try it just for her good.Iam happy with my life -mostly- except the money issues and the struggle with the kids i have to say i love it. I closed with my drunk mother, i'm over the death of my drunk dad and i know nowadays, that i'm not that idiot he called me. That i can do everything i try. Even if i have to try three time, at one point i can do it. I never carpentered a Stairway, so i tried and did it. My eldest Son is walking it everyday.

Whats happing sometimes, is that im afraif of having self-esteem - so i give up sometimes before even trying. It's easy to say that is because my parents raised me like that, but on the other hand: im grown up now and i should just do it. So i accept, that im lazy sometimes ;)

Since 10 Years im not talking or writing in english anymore regularly so i can't type as much as i was used to. This is another reason i like to come back here lately so often: it's my place and i can write in english again.Im trying to encourage my kids, to everything they are doing. Yannik had an American Football Game yesterday and we were there, watching. I totally have no clue how that game is played (in Germany this is an exotic game) but it was good to see him play and go onto the Enemy. In a few months he's becoming an electrician, he grew up so fast. Nearly an adult now. And i try to support him and kick his ass. I think this is the mixture.

As i can remember, my parents thought in the age of 13 i was old enough just to grow up the rest for myself, which i did and it took me a long way: 27 Years and im free from all the old dust my family tried to cover me into a scheme of what i should have been, this and that and this was not right, that not enough.

With my wife it's the same: she is trying to make me better, different and more like she thinks i should be. I don't know why Kristina thinks this is something possible to do: i won't change, because im ok with who i am. Well i guess there will be always someone not satisfied with the person you are.

After all i think it will be worth the effort and participate on her therapy, if she maybe realises, that se just has to be ok with herself, get finally over her mother's death and appreciate, what a wonderful life we actually have, that she doesnt need to waste money for junk and clothes and even more toys for the little one, because he's okay wth just playing with the shovel in the mud, if she just will lower her cellphone when i try to make conversation with her, maybe she will love herself again. I hope so.

Justus helped me a lot finding out more about myself and my behavior. It is how they say, that you grow with your tasks. And having a Baby and see how it grows up is a heard but wonderful task which will teach you more about life then anything else. The is no drug opening your mind or heart or feeling more then the love of your child. I realised, that i don't have to own anything, because you take nothing with you into the grave. But your children, they will stay back and you are not wasted in ashes, because your mind will probably live on in your kids. Even if youre just a pale memory after a while. You can go one day with an open mind and a heartful of love and leave this circus here.

Hell yes, maybe i should tell this at the therapy, but i don't think so.

Am i just a sociopath or is everybody else thinking secretly stuff they don't tell the others around?

Thats enough for today.

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Choppin Wood
Listening to: Adele in the Radio

Well yesterdays was a long day, returned home from work - which is pissing me off lately a lot. At Home my Wife was stressed out with Justus and his friend. Those two are very cheeky together and listen to shit :) So they were duelling each other with wooden swords in the end and they both got hit bad on their fingers. Everythings still in place, the cried, then it was OK.

Sometimes Boys need to be boys, Kristina doesn't understand that. I Guess this is why Yannik (our big one, hes 16 now) is so soft sometimes. I'm a dinosaur, old fashioned and plump mostly. Yannik met me first, when he was 8 so he was mostly raised by his mother. He call's me dad though since some years and i adopted him. He's my kin but well, hes totally into styling and bodygym and stuff like that, not chopping wood. I think thats ok, but sometimes im a bit disappointed, that he is nor more like me. Love him, though.

After some sunny days it's raining again and i realise, that this is getting deeply on my mood. it all mixes up with concerns about money. Im really afraid of not being able to pay the mortgage anymore. Kristina is blowing out the money faster as i can bring it in. Well, luxury problem i guess.

10-15 Years ago i totally was into writing, after reading my old poems i have to say i still like them. And i envy my younger self to have been so expressive. Now i don't have that expression anymore, i got more realistic and used to hush through the routine. I dont linger in the moment anymore, maybe it's because i dont do drugs anymore, who knows. What i really want to do is write a childrens book. I thought about it since i met yannik 8 years ago. But i just dont have the creative strenght to start with it. Too much family business, to much work, to many concerns. I read on the other day, that someone recently wrote here on sitd, that she's always coming back when she feels lonely. I agree to that. I return here often to be lonely, to have my quiet place where i can hear my thoughs and write them down.



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Entry List
Father's Day 2017
Growing eternity
Choppin Wood
getting up
Was immer Du denkst...
the need of a diary
been a while
start again
drive in hell
if i ever
gonna go out
The Old One
für Kristina
the thing is
work it out!
Your eyes are momentary
Verfickte Scheisse.
i feel fine
What if?
Anger Management
Special K
Femme fatale & the Devil
what the ... ?
Got the Blues
Dead Elvis & his one man grave
Beatman rocks
i'll fly away
Happy NY
Them Good Ol Boys
still alive
jedediah bells
still here
December already
still alive/s>
going to prague...
Jason lives ...
50 Days
the fool
sharp honey
Satellite path
Blue Sunday
chinese homebrew
coal clerk's
new boots
dear diary II
dear diary
some serious fun
rusty throats
Happy New Year!
saturday in december
home of an evil spirit
Frohe Weihnachten!
Thin Ice
The Sardonic Success
The Wings Of Mourning
Sunday Morning
Departure tendency (Cold...
Silk Views
Burning Moments (Angst)
Brand New
Big City Collapse
Raven' s Claws (autumn...
Happy Thanksgiving
Sunk (Velcroideas)
Cruel Sky
Jim Morrison was wrong
26 scorpio is my...
Tempest (Raven's Claws)
Dust (Lizardskin Retina)
Saturday Mornings
Broken Light
Car Seat (God's...
To kiss you dead.
Crimson Rivers
Nebula Dawn
Excitement soon unfolds.
Undreamt of
Opportunity spirits
The Smile of the Satyr, I,...
The Smile of the Satyr, II,...
The Smile of the Satyr, III,...
The Smile of the Satyr, IV,...
Snow Flake, Elf and Blooddrop
Grizzly jagt Elf
The Papercup
the acres of love
Hunted by the Mob
Iron Horses
Cloudy Days
Die Essenz des Glücks /...
Three Seconds, end of view.
Two Seconds
One Second
At least they have a stoven
coffee machine vs. one eyed...
The Moloch
Driving Around
Feeling 'Caughed'
my heart is wrapped in clover
waitin for the sun
Screwed up Head
Gör Kömmändö Zork De...
Oh Bella!
Fairy Tale
The sweetest thing
Pieces of Broken Glass
Knife Sharpened
Some Fishes to Sell
Salad to Sacrifice
Slugs on a Razor
Eggshellopener v.1.2
feeling cold
Jumpin' Beer Flash!
One Hour Madness
Golden Brown
A Wop Bop A Loo Bop a Lop Bam...
Hybrid Moments
Ring Damn Phone, Ring
The Girl from the Drugstore
The Pizza Massacre
to start a roll
176 post(s)