Growing eternity

Kristina was at her therapist today and she suggested, that we make a couple therapy. Due to im obviously the reason she is not happy what other chance do i have as agree to that? I guess i'll try it just for her good.Iam happy with my life -mostly- except the money issues and the struggle with the kids i have to say i love it. I closed with my drunk mother, i'm over the death of my drunk dad and i know nowadays, that i'm not that idiot he called me. That i can do everything i try. Even if i have to try three time, at one point i can do it. I never carpentered a Stairway, so i tried and did it. My eldest Son is walking it everyday.

Whats happing sometimes, is that im afraif of having self-esteem - so i give up sometimes before even trying. It's easy to say that is because my parents raised me like that, but on the other hand: im grown up now and i should just do it. So i accept, that im lazy sometimes ;)

Since 10 Years im not talking or writing in english anymore regularly so i can't type as much as i was used to. This is another reason i like to come back here lately so often: it's my place and i can write in english again.Im trying to encourage my kids, to everything they are doing. Yannik had an American Football Game yesterday and we were there, watching. I totally have no clue how that game is played (in Germany this is an exotic game) but it was good to see him play and go onto the Enemy. In a few months he's becoming an electrician, he grew up so fast. Nearly an adult now. And i try to support him and kick his ass. I think this is the mixture.

As i can remember, my parents thought in the age of 13 i was old enough just to grow up the rest for myself, which i did and it took me a long way: 27 Years and im free from all the old dust my family tried to cover me into a scheme of what i should have been, this and that and this was not right, that not enough.

With my wife it's the same: she is trying to make me better, different and more like she thinks i should be. I don't know why Kristina thinks this is something possible to do: i won't change, because im ok with who i am. Well i guess there will be always someone not satisfied with the person you are.

After all i think it will be worth the effort and participate on her therapy, if she maybe realises, that se just has to be ok with herself, get finally over her mother's death and appreciate, what a wonderful life we actually have, that she doesnt need to waste money for junk and clothes and even more toys for the little one, because he's okay wth just playing with the shovel in the mud, if she just will lower her cellphone when i try to make conversation with her, maybe she will love herself again. I hope so.

Justus helped me a lot finding out more about myself and my behavior. It is how they say, that you grow with your tasks. And having a Baby and see how it grows up is a heard but wonderful task which will teach you more about life then anything else. The is no drug opening your mind or heart or feeling more then the love of your child. I realised, that i don't have to own anything, because you take nothing with you into the grave. But your children, they will stay back and you are not wasted in ashes, because your mind will probably live on in your kids. Even if youre just a pale memory after a while. You can go one day with an open mind and a heartful of love and leave this circus here.

Hell yes, maybe i should tell this at the therapy, but i don't think so.

Am i just a sociopath or is everybody else thinking secretly stuff they don't tell the others around?

Thats enough for today.

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Growing eternity
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Was immer Du denkst...
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