9/ Analysis



"I miss you so much."


Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device




Something is wrong with me. These words are magnets. My eyes and my soul keep coming back to them since he sent them at 8:26am Wednesday morning. Reading and rereading 5 words. 5 words. His response to my 15 paragraphs. Some of which were only a sentence or 2 long but still.. this is all that he could put together? Oh, do you miss me? A whole.. 20 seconds worth to type it out.. send it.. and go about your day as usual? Schedule me in between other non important events like taking a shit.. or playing another stupid game on your phone for 4 hours. And even that stupid fucking game gets 4 hours. sleep. eating. walking to and from the bathroom.. all took more time and effort than this fucking email. And what does it even mean besides the obvious... because it is obviously bullshit. I know that. history proves it. God confirms it. I ignored it. Rinse repeat. Until here we are and I am finally finally finally trying to be so nonstupid instead of so nonimportant to someone who is or has been.. everything. I tear them apart. What is there to pick at? Its barely anything. But I'm nothing if not an overthinker. This is what I do best.


I. miss. you. so. much. period.


I stared at it for a total of hours at various times today. i pick it apart. Each word. "I". He. Him. Max. Asshole. Obviously you. I know it doesnt make sense but I get irrationally angry at the obvious use of the word "I". Obviously you, asshole. Obviously. Thanks for clarifying. Again, irational was the key word. But knowing that doesn't tame the fire burning in my bones. boiling my blood. stinging my poors and making hairs stand on end. Literally. Its not really a stinging feeling.. more like... a lesser version of those cartoons when theyre so angry that steam shoots out of their ears.. it feels like a small scale microscopic steam releasing from my skin at all times. And the steam inside me and regular air are enemies. They don't mix and when they meet it feels wrong.


Miss. I say the words so much they lose all meaning. Its no longer an emotion. Miss. Mister. Miss America. Mystery Science something thousand I don't give a crap that shit was awul. Missed the mark. Mark walberg. I miss. Yeah. You miss. You missed the opportunity to not be a shitty person and not do shitty things. You missed the opportunity to have a good life with the one person who did and would have stayed through anything. No. You didn't "MISS" anything. You fucking ran. Miss implies mistake or by accident. You purposefully planned. Everything. You are selfish. You are cruel. You are blind.


You. Ewe. YOOOU. Who me? Because it could really be anyone. And why would I assume he means me.. when he had me he was always trying to get rid of me. It was always so "wonderful" in the beginning. He has some sort of super powers or evil force. Some sort of wizard. idk. The power to erase my good judgement and replace facts with fiction. It always ran out faster than a pictionary sand timer. He only wants me when.. when nothing. I was going to say :when he cant have me" but its not even when he cant have me.. he just always wanted me to want him reglardless of the fact that he doesnt want me and never has and doesnt give a shit and never will. 


So. So what? SO... to imply how painful this is for him? Not just "i miss you" period. No no that's not good enough.. no because he knows I miss him beyond articulation. He wants to come to my level. Make me think we feel the same with a single word. Everything is so easy for him. Its a strategically placed "so" that's caught my attention every time. Every time. It wasn't an immediate fix, but it got me talking to him again. And I know he knows or at least he thinks he knows that he can just shit words out his fingers at me and get the same bs results. He sent it at 8:26am on wednesday. It is now.. 4:37am on thursday morning... I havent slept since I woke up at 1pm (yeah i know.. sleep is all bs right now) when i read ffirst read it. Its been almost 24 hours. ANd I know he was probably wondering why he hadn't gotten a reply in 24 minutes. Not to confuse "wonder" with "care". Curiousity doesn't equal love. And its only been 20 hours and 11 minutes. Its been excruciating. But slightly better than last night when all I could think was "he doesnt fucking care" over and over until my brain exploded and I died and a little hamster came in and took over my body and that's why I'm so crazy.. i have hamster brain. By the way, hamsters suck at relationships.


MUCH. much much much. munch. munchkin. I used to want a munchkin kitten. Its all I could talk about.. They're so effing adorable. I want to post a pic here now. But I'm not going to. But you know.. munchkin kittens are a lie.. theyre cute as kittens but as adults they look freaking weird. They're all stretched out and unhealthy looking. Who would want a hotdog cat? much. so much. muchness. Trying to convince me that there is any amount of "much" in his heart. He doesn't even know what much is. He has no much. He is muchless.


Period. Oh. Are you done now? Like I didn't know... its not like your email was so very very long that I had to scroll to see where it ended.. but you had to rub in the shortness with your very unnecesary PERIOD. Period. That's it. That's ALLLLLLL you have to say. Well, glad you got that off your chest sweetheart. For realsies. Because i know how much it must be killing him to be in a situation HE CREATED. I am so OVER my addict sympathy right now. It'll reset tomorrow and I can "blame it on his addiction" and call it a "disease" but right NOW... he is a fucking dick. a small chubby one on a fat man who cant reach it.



Btw its ok to say all this here because he knows I have had an online diary but he doesnt know the sit name. or my name on here. he was never interested. tim used to read my diary. i ddint even know.. he would make comments and I'd be like.. "oh.. you read that?".. "yeah".. all nonchalanty as if to say "of course". Like why wouldnt he? 


All that to say.. I can't sleep. I cannot fucking sleep. I need to sleep. I need to get things done. I cannot stop my mind. I'm going insane. I need help. I tried the whole anxiety medication back in june/july for a couple months. It just made me tired. And what is the point of taking away anxiety and replacing it with being tired all the time? I mean yeah I slept, but i was always groggy. And being tired when i dont want to be. or need to do important things stresses me out.. so its either be anxious or tired. uhg. So I stopped those. And sometimes on nights like these.. i think maybe they werent so bad. But no. I don;t like medication. I understand sometimes it is necessary and maybe it is but i just want to try everything first. But its hard to get that done right now. Everything is delayed. I have no money. I have far away money. future money. But nothing spendable. I feel poor. And I cant do anything I want to do. Now I'm angry at Tim. that's a whole other can of bs.


We stopped talking.. if you can call it that.. on Friday. At 2:30pm. And he sent me a mean 2 sentence email. And I replied with a quick jab.


But then I felt bad and wrote that 15 paragraph email at 2am Monday morning basically saying "look i dont want you.. and this is why.. but i care about you.. i hope you are ok and hope you get better.. etc etc.. i will always love you but im content and i hope you are too". non of that is verbatim. but you try cramming 15 paragraphs into a short sentence. And he said to that..


MONDAY  -  5:10am...

"You held on to us through my worst already. 

I can't blame you for not signing up to do it again.

Pray for me to find the strength to ask for help"



Now. Pre-alanon Jeni would have been fooled and started to convince HIM that its MY CHOICE and I WANT to be with him. He's done this a million times. Its always the same. Its 3 sentences.


And of course he mentions God. Because he knows thats what i want to hear. Jusdt like he would throq in budhism shit when tlking to teresa who is a budhist.


BUT. I did not reply. And then he sent the "I miss you so much".. yesterday at 8:26am.


2 emails. And I haven't responded. He probably thinks I am dead.. I haven't ignored him since last year when I went to Niarga Falls and New York and other east coast states. I started dating Levi. And then all of a sudden he wanted to be all... sandfjkgvsanefbsfdhjv. 



I'm tired.

Of everything.

And I will never know why but

I miss him. So much.






186 hit(s) (1 comments) | pee in my bucket  
8/ Insomnia

Its not like i'm not used to having insomia. Its just that sometime around october/november.. idk if it was before or after i started going to meetings.. i think before.. but i just started being able to sleep even if something crazy was happening.. something crazy usually bieng max leaving. The more time goes by now.. the more insnae it feels that it all actually happened. I'm really sad tonight. I'm usually sad but busy enough to ignore it. I just have this panicky feeling. I wont see him again. Or, I will but I wont like what I see. Or, someone will call me and tell me he's gone gone. Or worse, they wont. And eventually.. i might want to look him up.. and I'll find out he's been gone for years.


I'm also so overwhelmed with Kodi lately. He was supposed to be my service dog. To help me. BUt instead of training him all year like I planned to.. I spent the year either battling against max's addiction, battling against my own codependency, or being kicked out or moving or depressed. When Kodi was a puppy he was so perfect and I knew he would be what I thought he would be. But thats becuase i spent time training him. even a little here and there. now im so overwhelmed and busy. he has a big fenced in backyard. I buy him toys and those yummy bone treats he likes. i take him to the dog park but not as much as before. lately, i dont want him at all. i dont play with him as much. i havent brushed him enough. I have so much i need to do and i need help. i wasnt meant to do everything on my own. who is? maybe i shouldnt have him. Its hard having him here, in claifornia. In wisconsin i took him with me everywhere. and he was great in the car but in wisconsin i didnt have to worry about the temperature. only a couple times i worried but it was if it was too cold. And its winter right now.. when it starts getting even warmer out here i wont be able to leave him in the car at all. so i want him to be able to come inside with me to most places at least within the next few months. especially to meetings since i go to one every day and theyre less pressure than say the library or court house. he does well in public transportation, lays down at my feet and doesnt bark. but in a room full of people with no direction, no movement.. he gets so excited and wants to run everywhere and see everyone. which would be fine in some cases, if he did it calmly. but he's stilla puppy and he's big and obnoxious. sometimes he's too much. i need a dog sitter but i cant afford one.



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7/ Fear
Listening to: Kodi dreaming
Feeling: scared

I'm afraid I wont be strong enough not to contact him at some point. But i dont want to. One day at a time. I'm trying to remember that when I feel the urge to know how he is doing.. to know its ok to let God handle it. Trusting God is hard anyways but this feels impossible sometimes. Not that I've ever been able to protect Max from himself.. and I dont have any children but.. the only way I can describe the anxiety is like having a newborn baby and then having it taken away immediately and told it will be fine.. you can see your baby in a few months. we're not going to tell you where it is or who its with. Just trust us, its fine. I mean its different because I dont think I will ever see him again. I don't want to. I don't want to want to.


I'm afraid of myself. I have boy cried wolf syndrome. I realized recently that I've been wanting him to "say what he means and mean what he says" for so long that I didnt realize that I had the same problem.. not in general like he obviously did. But I would say he couldnt hurt me anymore, and then let him. And I would try to be open about my feelings and frustrations and what I needed, but as we talked more and he broke me down more and more.. i would withdrawal into myself and pretend I could handle anything.


I'm afraid of living my mothers life. I feel bad for saying that but at least she got a family. I want a family. I am 31. Now it wont happen. I dont want to date yet but if I started I am pretty much already considered desperate for a family just by age alone. But why is that a bad thing? I hate that word.. desperate: feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with. I'm not desperate. I know, especially after the last 3 -4 years, that no situation is too bad as to be impossible to deal with. I can accept if I don't have a family. But I want one with all my heart and I will grieve the idea of it when it really does become too late. I dont think its a bad thing to know what you want. I wish I hadn't sabbatoged my marriage. I wish I had been more cautious with Max. I thought I was. 


I am the new phone list person for another group. So now I am the secretary for Monday night group and phone list person for Sunday night. 


I've been wondering why I've been feeling so.. out of control.. i wrote down all the meetings i could remember going to.. 10. 10 since i got here on the 24th of december. that's 10/30 days. I know it seems like a lot to anyone not in the program but for me.. i immediately knew why i havent felt as strong as i did to carry all these decisions out like i did in eau claire. I've been struggling so much. in eau claire i sometimes went to 2 a day. I mean and thats only because only 2 were available. i really was desperate for something back in november/december. I went to meetings almost everyday, sometimes 2 a day, for a month and I felt amazing. even on horrible days I felt something i cant explain. I dont feel it anymore. I mean i get bits here and there of that feeling. but its so short lived and it feels less. but I'm starting to get to know the people here more.. its starting to feel more homey. 


Max and I stopped talking Friday and I've gone to a meeting 3 days in a row. I always dread going and love staying. I feel better after. even if its a small improvement. even if it only lasts for the meeting.. its a nice break from constant anxiety. and being around people who just "get it". My friends don't understand. I told someone tonight at the meeting "they don't understand the pull they have".. as she nodded her head profusely in agreement. She told me no one there will ever judge me for the decisions I make. Its so strange because if I am really honest with myself, its THAT nonjudgement that really helped most i think. Its that "you know what to do" attitude in general from the group that helped me get there on my own. And, my amazing well meaning friends.. i love them.. but it was their "what the hell jeni? Why?... but he did this and that.. and havent you had enough..." and on and on and on.. and it was my stubborn nature whispering in my ear "prove them wrong" or "you're not a failure" or "they'll all say I told you so". Never mix love with stubbornness.


My anthropology class is a little scary. I mean in other classes its a clear question and a clear answer. I mean even in english classes, or political science where you hve to give your opinion.. its really mostly base don the writing and effort and for the most part there are a lot of facts and statistics in polisci to draw from. It is and it isnt opinion based. The statistics arent theories. Anthropology and evolution and such.. its all theories and opinions and I'm going to be graded on it.. i feel like I'mgoing to be ripped to pieces just for enrolling in a class i needed. I hate talking about religion or politics anywhere but here, with very close family/friends, or.. yep thats it. I do not enjoy debating my values and beliefs. And I don't like being perceived as trying to talk others out of theirs or risk offending people just by saying how i feel about mine. I dont know.


Good news is I am almost definitely going to get an A in my Java class. i mean i know its early but its being taught by an instructor i had last semester and she was amazing and I got an A. I just love her teaching style and I have never said that about any teacher, ever. And I'm doing great in spanish. I am taking such random classes but theyre necessary for transfer I guess. sometimes i feel like its a waste of time. But everything I am doing is good.. I mean I've always wanted to..  scratch that.. I've always been told I should learn spanish and I've never actualy wanted to. I've always been adamantly against it. But I have always wanted to learn A language. So why not spanish.


I am afraid i have procrastinated with this court stuff too long. But idk what to do. It overwhelms me. I need to just do it. I wish kodi could stay here on his own.. but now he is being a little jerk and digging in the grass. a lot. like a huge hole. idk what to do about it.


I think he has separation anxiety due to.. well several things. all the change, moving here, the dogs here dont want to play with him, and losing max. i mean max was a part of his life since the day i got him. minus 2 months and since i left in dec he was a part of 10 out of 14 months of his life. I need to get him into some dog training classes.


I need a lot of things.. i just havent had any motivation or energy. extreme brain fog. extreme fatigue. Insomnia. I know I'm depressed. But unlike other bouts of depression, I'm staying on top of self care for the most part and pther responsibilities. especially school.


I'm afraid my car is going to crap out.. i need an oil change. and a tune up. its making weird noises. it was supposed to last me another 10 years. instead.. i drove it to and from wisconsin 2 times. and to and from missouri to wisconsin like 6 times.


I'm afraid all my hair is going to turn white by the time i'm 35. only a couple here and there right now but still.





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6/ Commitment

So I went to an alanon tonight at 7:30. I've only been to 2 since being here. It was the one I went to before. Its an ok meeting I guess. Small and a little.. idk. I cant describe what its lacking but it is. It isnt the size that's the problem. I've been to some great small meetings before. I dont know.


Well tonight was interesting. Some alcoholic/ addicts came. 2 men and one of their wives who was not an alcoholic or addict. So. I guess they thought they were attending an AA meeting. I mean, alanon meetings are open to AA and NA members so its ok thta they were there. but it was awkward in a lot of ways for me. On one hand I'm glad they were there because i think it is important for AA and NA members to learn as much as they can about alanon too. The focus is always on them and their sobriety but how it affects the people around them is a part of it. ANd i think "double dippers" who do both programs generally have more success. At least from what i have heard from them. And if alcoholism and addiction (which I'll just refer to both as addiction from here on...) are genetic.. then the majority of these addicts will have their own "qualifiers" and things to deal with in that sense.


...Side note... about the whole genetic thing. I dont knwo how much of that i believe. I definitely think theres something to it. And if you agree its 100% genetic then its easy to call it a disease.. but what about the people who grew up in addiction free homes, unaffected by addiction. Do they also have a disease? There's definitely a propensity i guess when in your family's history. But it is also a lifestyle and a choice. A combination of all and who knows to what degree.


Anyways so on the otehr hand i didnt want them there. i got a bad vibe from the husband of the woman. When I walked in i walked around to the empty seat that was opposite the door because i dont like having my back facing the door. Also the seat was cushioned and the others were not. And they seemed more spread from the other chairs then the other spots. Anyways the seat was next to a young woman and the husband.. who as i sat down he stood up and walked over to the seat next to his friend. Which.. most people would wonder why. I knew exactly why. That's probably because he doesnt want to make his wie uncomfortable. which seems nice. but really why would it matter. unless he had been a fucked up pos. That sort of thought to things like that come from excessive disception. Having to compensate in these little ways.


Well it had been 4 or 5 days since i had been to one.. i you're not counting this other program i went to on friday where my mom was the speaker. so i cried. i dont really cry much at meetings anymore but i guess i had a lot pent up. especially right now. 


Max ignored me for a week and a half. He finally responded in an email on the 10th but i didnt even see it until the 13th. then a couple days ago we spoke on the phone. and idk. I'm confused. I was so angry all week. We were just talking a week and a half ago with no agenda. No plan. Just as friends i guess. But we arent friends. And after a week and a half of being ignored.. this time for no reason. absolutely no reason.. why would I want to? It was beyond words. The onyl way to not feel extreme anxiety every second was to remain distracted. School started last week and that was really good because i dont know whati would have done if it hadn't. My friend Melissa has been amazing. We met at alanon in st paul. She's become one of my best friends and in a lot of ways she is because she is the nly person who can truly understand all this. she gives me advice, encouragement, lets me vent, cry, she is just there for me when i need her. And I'm there for her. I think we were brought together for a reason. "God doesnt give you more than you can handle" and without her I wouldnt have been able to. 


Talking to max has been hard. I told him i wasnt angry that we werent talking or not together. it was the randomness. the ignoring me. completely cutting me off with no explaination. He apologized.. a lot. Tried to answer all my millions of questions. No one affects me like this. Not even Brett when i was obsessed with him. Not Tim. No one. I have theories of why that that I've created in times of silence. But my love for him is real and pure. However unhealthy we have been, are.. i wish i didnt but if im really 100% honest i dont wish that. He's what I want. I know if we never spoke again, i could move on and be happy. i could find passion. i could find something special. But it would be lacking. i can wish we never met. But i cannot wish i didnt want him. I know how stupid i am for it though. He's been really.. on top of doing what he says he will.. like beore he would say he will call in an hour and then 3 hours go by and i text him asking if he is ok and an hour later he was "sleeping". but he's been calling when he says he will. he doesnt seem annoyed to spend time with me.. maybe its because the day we talked, he had been to a meeting that morning. first one in a week. it all just seems helpless. i feel foolish. i even said at the meeting that i didnt want to talk because i was embarrassed to admit that i had been talking to him again.. not just since bbeing in CA but especially the last couple days. 


But there was a lady there who put it into words that i couldnt. its simple but true. She said her and her boyfriend were rocky. he isnt the addict in her life. her son is. but its causing problems in her relationship and her boyfriend asked her if she wanted to break up. She said to him that she is "too exhausted to do either" she cannot give him more right now because she has no energy. But also, breaking up requires a lot of energy. practical and emotional. and that's how i feel right now. It took so much for me to leave wisconsin. everything i had. and when i fgot here i got the flu and was depressed. and then school started. and max in and out since new years. sometimes i think i should just cut him off and we shoudlnt talk. But part of alanon is fousing on myself and i am trying to do that by going to school, taking care of myself, of kodi, spending time with friends and family, eating right, taking care of all the things i have to do... this last week not talking to him was so emotionally exhausting. i cant commit to that right now. it sounds stupid but.. i miss him constantly and im just not strong enough for that right now.i told him we didnt have to talk if its easier for him to stay sober or get things done if we didnt.. he had blamed me a lot for being the reason he hadnt gotten anythign done like getting a job or seing malcolm. as soon as i saidthat he said he wasnt fair when he said that. that it isnt me and withut me around he doesnt get things done and that he has to be honest iwth himself and realize he is the one to blame. he said he wanted to talk to me. that he misses me all the time. that its hard for him. which just made me angry because you dont ignore someone you miss. I know theres more to it but really theres not. a simple "i need space.. lets talk next week" would have sufficed. Im not irrational. And now he has started saying "I love you" again. I have no boundaries because i was caught off guard. So I've been trying to figure out what talking even means. We arent together but we act like it. Especially in the last couple days. I'm ashamed.. but I'm also happy. I enjoy him at his best. Well he isnt even at his best.


Anyways. I also inadvertently volunteered myself to be the group secretary tonight. Mind you this was my 2nd time going to this meeting. She was asking people to fill roles because they switch who is in charge of things periodically. Not sure how often. But when she asked if anyone could be secretary no one said anything, and I didnt know what a secretary does.. so i asked out of cruiosutiy. I guess they are the ones that have the key and come 15 min early and get out the supplies. lay out the literature, set up the chairs etc. I said well if you cant find anyone else, I'll do it. But i thought she was going to ask at more meetings.. at the end she just comes up and hands me the key. I was like oh.. so this is starting now. ok. I mean its a good thing. I was just surprised. They dont even know me. Its a lot of responsibilty. But i wanted a committment role as soon as possible.. lol now is soon. I just always here alanon and AA members saying that being in a committment role was a huge thing for them. And being secretary... i dont have an excuse not to go to that meeting. So no matter what, from now on, I will hve to attend at least 1 meeting a week. I plan on attending several anyways, hopefully everyday like i was doing in eau claire. but its hard to get back into the swing of it here for some reason. in eau claire, meetings were like air. Here i go because i know i need to and should want to but there i wanted to just as much. Im sure it will come back.


OK enough about all that. A lot of other random things haoppened.


My mom was the speaker at a different program, similar to alanon but christian based. She asked if i would go. My brother went to. It was good. she is a good speaker. good writer. She said things abut her life that she had never told me. She has said bits and pieces but there were things i didnt know and it was really emotional. But i didnt cry. She frustrtes me so much, especially lately, being around her so much.. but i understand her a lot more. I try to have more grace for her.. she's been through a lot and she is extremely strong.


i stayed at her house all weekend because of that and also i wanted her to cut my hair. andi needed to organize my stuff in the garage. but uhg. 2 days is too much time to spend together. 


my brothers dog bit my moms roommates friend. so that was weird. his dog is a pitbull. pitbulls scare me. especially the ones with the huge heads like his. He's all muscle. he seemed really unpredictable since i first saw him.. and when my mom does the "stare down" with him that she said "ceasat milan" does... i get scared he's just going to attack her face one of these times. Well they were sure they were going to have to put him to sleep after that but i guess its fine. he needs more socialization. And training. and really... idk i know people smack their dogs snout, ive even did with kodi for a little bit because he jsut doesnt listen but it doesnt help. the water bottle is more affective.. i want him to respect me not fear me. jason is aggressiv with him so why wouldnt he be an aggressive dog. he isnt abusive. but he smacks his nose... for good reason.. dont eat the bunny.. dont chase the cat. dont bite my moms friends roommate. but its like yelling at a barking dog.. you're supposed to be quiet and ignore them. dont communicate back. yelling is people barking. idk. my brother is great and all but he needs someone to tell him how to control his dog in a way that he thinks its his idea.. he's kind of stubborn.


ive been here at my unclce and aunts for about a week and a half. Its been nice. The room is nice. Theyre nice. sitting on the porch doing schoolwork in warm weather while kodi runs around is nice. im so glad they agreed to let me stay here. when i first got back i didnt move in with my uncle right away. it was christmas eve so i stayed at my moms for a few days. then i got sick so i decided to stay longer until i wasnt sick anymore because liz is pregnant. i was sick with the flu for like a week. but being at my moms, sick or not, so depressing. i cant. i know that more than ever now. but here.. i feel so much more healthy here. its easier to focus on myself.


I am taking the 2 classes I failed again this semester. I have a good feeling this time around. I wont be dealing with any of the same things. ANd even the max stuff, i am far enough away that as much as it affects me... it can only do so much. the java class im taking is so much better. ive had this instructor before and she is amazing. the other one just was lazy. he was very hands off.. he wrote out all these modules... like literally 10 - 15 LONG modules per week.. so much reading. they were conusing and overly detailed. He wasnt available for questions. He said if you have questions ask in the discussions forum and classmates will help. um. it isnt the job of my classmates to teach me.. its yours. This current instructor is great. she does video lectures. I learn from watching and listening. Examples. Her videos are perfect. The way she teaches is so easy to understand. Her assignments are easy to follow. And she accepts late work all the way up to the end of the semester. So I'll be getting an A. Im also retaking spanish and its going better thistime. Meeting with my partner today at 2pm.  Its a lot of tedious time consuming work bbut its been easy. And my 3rd class is anthropology and i was worried because im a christian.. and i really dont know much about this stuff. but its been really inteteresting. And apparently there are a lot of christian anthropologist.


On wednesdays we wear pink! no but on wednesday I'm going to the courthouse again to file papers. The papers i already filed! UHG.


SO i had court on the 9th to finally move this divorce appeal forward. And.. IM getting sleepy.


wed @ 1:30am...

Ok back to finish this. There's always so much and so little. And I signed on and had every intention of writing.. i was excited to.. but now im tired again at the thought. same with tonights meeting. i was excited to go and get things off my chest. first time at that meeting. but it wasnt like meetings im used to. i dont like the meetinfs where its a free for all and you  basically just chime in when you want it to be your turn. I'm not a chimer. Not with strangers anyways. I like the ones that start at the leader and go in order left or right. easy. and you knwo what to expect. at these types of meetings where you just insert yourself wherever, especially when I'm the newest person, i always feel like everyone is looking at me. waiting for me to speak. and i do like speaking at these meetings. but i dont liek being expdcted to speak. if that makes sense. i kept going to. working myself up to. and then not. i didnt speak tonihgt. first time in several meetings. i try to always fget myself to. but something kept stopping me. i mean, i am bad in social situations. but alanon has never realy felt like a typical social situation so ive never really felt too awkward. i mean yes, to some degree, because Im me. but nothing i cant handle. maybe it was that it was so bright. or the woman there, who is very nice dont get me wrong, but she was the one who asked if i wanted to be secretary, and she showed me where teh meeting was.. but idk.. she puts off a weird vibe. shes really hard to read.idk maybe i just didnt want to feel ashamed on top of being exhausted. i felt guilty as the meeting went on.. thinking every time it took a little too long for someone to speak up, that i should have spoken up. but by the end i realized... in alanon fashion.. i dont hve to do anything i dont want to do. and just because i typically like doing something, and its like me to do something normally.. doesnt mean i have to always like it or always do it. i didnt want to tonight. And that's ok. The topic tonight was "progress" and for the first few minutes i ws racking my brain trying too figure out how I've moved forward but all i could think of were all my setbacks this week.. deciding to leave wisconsin.. andthen talking to him again. saying we should only be friends.. and then replying to his i love you's with i love you too.. and not wanting to take it back because its howi feel. good or bad its how i feel. and as long as i am taking care of myself.. i think its ok to feel how i feel. before i wasnt. i'm far away from a bad situations now. i'm focusing on what i need to do and being productive every day. even on very bad days, like when he was ignoring me, i find moments of peace and happiness.. where i couldnt have or even wouldnt have before when i was still there. i realized that, it might not be much to an outsider... but to me I've made so much progress and its ok to be proud of myself and acknowledge it, including my setbacks. i just need tobe easier on myself and forgive myself and let myself feel how i feel as long as I take care of myself. baby steps. 


so i have a commitment in place. That was a goal I wanted to accomplish and I did. Go me.


I also want a sponsor as soon as possible. I just.. i had a very bad experience in st paul. I might write about it another time. but she was only my sponsor for less than a week and it was very damaging to me emotionally. at the time. I'm past it now. 


And I want to do a step a month. I realize that I shouldnt rush anything, but i predict I'll be in this program for a long time. Not just for my recovery from dealings with an alcoholic/addict but because it is an all around help to every area of my life. Especially aspergers. I mean the necessary, but safe social interaction alone has helped me a lot.


anyways. i need to get up early tomorrow but i cant sleep. or i dont want to. im a little sad and anxious right now. a lot. 


i stopped by the store on the way home and got a few things. one of those things.. mochi ice cream. Mmmmm.


i guess that's all.

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5/ Insanity

I wrote this a while ago and forgot to actually post it so here we go... probably because i didnt end up finishing. i never do though.


I will never learn.


I am insane. Knowing doesn't help. I don't know what it is. I can't turn it off. I hate myself for it. Even when I pull away its like a magnet. I get pulled back. With hardly any effort on his part. I love him. And he's so convincing when he tells me he loves me. Its not real. I KNOW that. But I can't stop myself. 


I don't know how to explain the last few days. I've been in denial since I decided to come back to California. Maybe it wasnt so much denial though. I told Patrick tonight that it felt like I was possessed in Wisconsin. Somethings, some force, but not myself got me here somehow. Because if it were up to me I would be in wisconsin still. As crazy as that sounds. Because I wouldnt have been able to do it myself. I believe in God and so I believe it was Him who got me here I guess but even if i didnt. It wasnt me. And I wouldn't know what but its undeniable.


And especially right now I dont want to give credit to God. I'm angry at him. I believe in him. I belive what I believe but I'm angry and I know it doesnt mean anything. I'm angry that it feels like it doesnt mean anything. And all those athiest out there shaking their heads. I have seen him in my life. I know what i know. I mean as stupid as is stounds to atheists that I do belive in God, I think its just as crazy that they dont.. but not even that... i can table the idea of God for a second.. do they just think we are alone? What about aliens? out of all the galaxies and universes and craziness we dont knwo about... i hope that for every person that doesnt believe in God, I hope they at least believe in aliens. I mean I dont know if I believe in aliens but i think I'm closer to believing in them than not. this entry took a weird turn.


I deleted 360. Its this app that tracks your location. Max had it on his phone from a long time ago and on new years he told me to download it and i could see where he is. i was worried. I said it was fine but i was also curious and it helped.. it shouldnt come to that. needing assurance. People's words should mean something and his never did. And he was always good at finding loopholes and being sneaky anyways. So all these apps and assurance were just silly delusions. I miss being stupid. Not knowing what a liar he was. I miss him.He lies about such stupid stuff sometimes. Its like he has to reach a quota per day. Its like he has a lying fetish. BUt i deleted it. I was driving myswlf crazy.


He does this lovely thing where he ignores me for random amounts of time. the other day it was 5 hours because I said "if you liked me you'd play games with me" I said this in a playful way because i asked him what he was doing and i already knew the answer. he is always on his phone. playing games. and he got upset about it. he said "mean" I said "why? You play a lot of games" and i just wanted to spend time with him and he said "ok. sorry" and then ignored me for 5 hours. Later he said sorry and that he ignored me because he said he was angry and he didnt want to be a dick to me. I asked why he got angry though. I just wanted to play games with him. And he said he cant control what will anger him. Just that he got angry and didnt want to take it out on me. 


Usually when he gets angry... even if the outcome is him raging and lashing out at me in an over the top disproportionate way.. at least i can somewhat pinpoint the trigger. maybe something i said. Maybe i said a rude comment. Maybe it was even on purpose. But it doesnt warrant a response like that. a mean comment said usually because he was being mean in the first place doesnt make it ok to ignore someone 15 or more hours. But that's what happens. 


But these "mantrums" (man tantrums as I just now decided to call them) are getting crazier and less and less predictable. Not that they ever were best described as predictable. Nothing he does is. The only thing predictable about him is how unpredictable he is. Monday and tuesday night we video chatted on facebook while we slept. We used to do it a lot. Ive done it with brandon because he's my best friend and we both have anxiety and it helps us sleep. And i just miss max and he said we could. I wasnt goign to make a regular thing out of it. I knew once i move to my uncles that i wouldnt be able to talk as much. And i probably shouldnt because of how emotional it can make me. So i wanted to spend a lot of time with him. He was being so sweet. And cutesy. Taking pictures and joking with me. Flirting with me. Its crazy how awful things can get, how much trauma there has been, but how easily we can fall back into us. He's home. Anyways around 5am the call dropped and without me asking he said he would call me back. around 7am it dropped again but he was sleeping so i just went to sleep. when i woke up i asked if he was up but no response. I've been sick so i ended up falling back asleep. we played tag a couple times. he would wake up and say soemthing short. then i would. the last thing he said was "did you move today yet?" at 3pm on wednesday. And I responded but he never looked. 360 shows when you charge your phone. wednesday night he charged his phone. idk if he forgot it showed that or just doesnt care. But i knew then that he was seeing my messages and pretty blatantly ignoring me.








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4/ Inventory
Listening to: The wind hitting the windows and the loudest clock in existence

On Saturday I move into my uncle and aunts house. I'm at mymoms right now. Its been okay. NOt terrible but I just cant be here indefinitely. We havent had any horrible fights but she just gets undermy skin sometimes. BUt right now she is being nice. She's making me soup. i dont feel good.. 


I had a nice Christmas with family. I'm glad I didnt wait longer or try one more time. I mean. It wasnt up to me anyways. He said "Iwould have begged you to stay". Instead of saying goodbye to me in person he decided it was more important to drink. Yeah. So I guess he relapsed like a week after we broke up. Around Dec 7thish. When I had that medical scare and they thought I might have had a stroke or something. Which it turned out to not be a new bleed but a "old bleed" which was explained as "something I've had since birth"... "probably". I love when medical professionals use that word, don't you? Anyways,  i told him about it and begged him to call me because I was scared. And he didnt. instead.. he used it as an excuse to relapse. That's all that was. He loves being depressed and having things fall apart and not work out and everything being "too hard" so he can sit around and tell himself "i tried" and "what did they expect". And he was trying for a lot of it.. but when I look back I really wonder if he was actually completely sober the whole time. Now that I'm coming out of the fog it gets harder to beleive he was. But then I feel so cynical and paranoid and harsh and think maybe he was.. its crazymaking. 


I would skip this rambling nonsense....

For example... after he got out of treatment.. he got out a day before graduating. long story but he was supposed to pick me up from the airport and he told me the treatment center said it was fine. but really.. im sure he just never asked. Anywyas. So when he did ask they basically said no. And he already told me he would pick me up from the airport and he didnt have a way to contact me to change plans because his phone didnt have service or maybe i had his phone. yeah i think i had it because well thats another long story. It was this huge thing. The entire day was insane. for half the day i thought my car was stolen because i didnt know if he was in treatment or not. but my car wasnt in the lot... oh and also... the day i took him to treatment, we stopped at a gas station. And he tells me to give him $40 of the $100 he just gave me to pay me back and he will go in and pay. he comes out with a beer... I said "um wtf max, you asked me to take you to treatment and youre fucking buying a beer right now??" So i took it away like he was a tiny child and he didnt even fight it.. he was so gone. and idk WHY I didnt just throw it away. i ask myself all the time but i put it in the trunk of my car. Maybe i thought he would be mad at me or something Idk. I cant tell you. it was just a crazy day really. and wwhen things are crazy sometimes i dont make the most sense. He was high on a lot of stuff so he couldnt even get in and out of the car. so i helped him into the car as people watched. it was really embarrassing. And checked his pockets. I found a bag of blue pills. I threw that away immediately. Then i went to fill up. But nothing was happening. I told him it wasnt working... and he starts blaming the cashier for stealing. I said 'no. where is the change?' he said there was no change "she took the $20" I said "no... I gave you $40". So I go inside and he is accusing the lady of stealing. I said sorry for him and i try to figure it out but someone in that fucking station was lying to me and I couldnt prove it was the cashier and I didnt want to argue with max. imean she did seem kinda sketchy but out of the 2 only one has lied to me before so I paid her $20 to fill up. I fill up and we leave. So, that said, when he got out of treatment that day to pick me up he went to the place my car was parked and was going to pick me up the next day. he had a whole day maybe a day and a half after getting out of treatment. When he picked me up there was a bag of trash on the floor. I looked in and there was the smashed beer can. I asked him about it and he said that when he saw it in the ttrunk it ws too tempting and he wanted to drink it so he chucked it on the street instead. i bought it at the time but its complete bullshit. but whatever right.


Another thing though.. after he got out we didnt really have anywhwere to go. so we went up to his family's house in hayward. no one uses it most of the year, its just for like vacationing. so we ended up staying there for about 3 months. well from time to time i would smell weed. and he would smell it too and comment on it. probably before i even did. He would be standing in the kitchen and be like "do you smell that?" yeah.. and he'd say "i wonder if i left weed up here.. i cant find it though"... he'd start standing on chairs and looking in cabinets, etc and say "but if i do I'll let you know. maybe its alicias" his sister. And then one day im cleaning, after he had just cleaned the counter and i just wiped it down one more time and there it is behind the cookie jar in the corner of the counter. And I said.. is this yours? He said no he doesnt put weed in bags like that, "it mustve been alicias". And i said ok but you didnt see it?? Youve cleaned the counter a lot.. he said no he didnt see it. But i dont know. thats the perfect cover. to say he smells it. to be the first one to smell it. and act like he doesnt know where its from. so if i smell it i dont think he knows. and idk. it doesnt matter. Just little things like that.. alll the time. 


Its just sad. I just want him to be content. Not have to do what he does. I love him. I wish I could fix him but even from the beginning I always knew that wasnt my place to do that. He has to want to. He has to do the work. And I think soemtimes he was. But not nearly as mcuh as I thoguth he was. He couldnt stop lying. He even lied about smoking cigerettes, right to my face. So why wouldnt he lie about worse. I told him I didnt care if he smoked anymore, as long as he didnt lie about it. Sometimes I think he just likes lying.


I just feel stupid. I have had a broken heart before. And you always get that feeling of "i wish we never met" but i always end up getting over that and being happy for my experiences with that person. Because its usually mutual or i understand or eventually i realized we werent meant to be. But i really do wish we never met. Because I cant shake the feeling that he is the "one". he is mine. Im his. And its hard to have that feeling when I cannot be with an addict. At least i cant be with a liar. I could have handled the relapses. I know that sounds crazy but I knew they would happen at least for the first year and up to 4. I mean I prepared myself mentally for the relapses. Its everything else I didnt preapre for.   I wasnt prepared for the lies to continue. He always blamed his lying on the drugs and alcohol. So either he was still doing it all and never stopped thus never being able to stop lying or he lied about lying and was just a lying liar. Either way sucks. if that even made sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.


I miss him constantly. Even though the end months were horrible. I've never been treated so poorly in my life by anyone and I know I wont be ever again because I cannot imagine someone being that way to anyone. I dont know why he is so convincing when he says he loves me and wants me after all these awful situations. 


i feel like an addict.


they say take a girl on an exciting date because then she will associate those exciting feelings with you. They also say that excitement and stress trigger the same feelings. SO being with an addict is stressful... but thats a close feeling to excitement. so then my braind associates being with him as being exciting - good or bad still exciting and i think the body cant tell which is which. maybe. idk really and Im too lazy to go google it for 5 hours right now. becauser thats exactly what i would do. spend 5 hours researching exactly that and it doesnt even really matter.



New Years is coming up. 







so.. happy new year sit diary. 


I need to stop starting entries if I cannot commit to finishing them in one go. I started this one on the 28th. Its Jan 1st. And. My new years was uneventful. the last 3 - 4 days I have had an awful cold.


I walked into the kitchen the other day to get the juice my mom got me and i almost fainted again. i grabbed the table for support and she's just sitting there just talking away like she doesnt even see me. And everything is turning gray just loke it did when i fainted at the motel. And it scared me. I was determined not to faint and start shouting at her to stop. stop what idk. Just stop. Talking. moving. whatever she was doing was not ok at the time and making it worse. And i finally am seeing colors again enough to move from the table to start walking back to my room but i make it to the hall and slide down the wall and have a meltdown. And she comes over and tells me she read that she knows that i dont want to be touched but that its what is good for me and is it ok if she hugs me. and the thing about that is.. she is absolutely right. I do not want to be touched. by anyone when that happens. Except max. before it was tim. Idk if its a signifigant other thing or a personality thing. idk. but thats all. and really i wouldnt want tim to even if he wanted to. so really its max. ANd the other thing about hugging.. its just fine. i actually like hugs in the right situation.  but there is just something about my mom. and i mean i feel kinda of bad about this, and i dont know why, but hugging her is extremely stressful for me. so i resisted. but she's her. and it was awful as expected. but i was trying. and it eventually ended and her roommate heard and I was embarrassed. I dont like having meltdowns. what autistic person does.. but. I really dont like having them in front of people. Especially when one is my mother. All week I've missed max. I didnt think i could miss him more until then.


We have been talking since New years Eve. We arent together. But. I wish we could be. I cant be with him when he's at scotts. When he says with his mouth that I'm right and he shouldnt be there but he wont go anywhere else. He says its his only option. He relapsed. He could.. and should go back to treatment. I used to say go with family but I really think he needs more inpatient treatment. There's pepole in there for several months when they just do 1 thing. Yeah his drug of choice was meth. but he did pretty much everything apparently. yeah, i didnt know until later. i dont like looking at statistics. i dont like being realistic about what might happen. Because it cant. i know people would think im psychotic for talkign to him after everything. But when I dont its just a count down until I can. Even at my best during those times.. idk I've even been happy. But then we talk and it feels like I had been trying to breathe under a mountain of football players and didnt know it. Idk. something changed. or Maybe when I started going to alanon its not that something changed in him but I could see his intentions more clearly. I hope thats not it. im not sure whats worse though. If he was never that serious about it, that sucks because him saying he hit rovk bottom was just a lie but its hopeful in a way that.. he still has the potential to hit hisrock bottom. Im scared of what that would take for him though. If april wasnt it. On the other hand, if something just changed... i think thats worse. how many rock bottoms does it take? and if you can hit rock bottom and keep going back.. i mean he didnt do meth. his relapse was with weed and alcohol but he agreed that if he stayed there it might happen. 


I just dont get how the whole "say no to drugs" talk didn't take for some people. I mean I made fun of it in my head during. But apparently it made a subconcious impact. Although I was never actually offered anything. In fact someone told me they wouldnt give me drugs because they were "afraid what might happen"... people seemed to always assume I was either high or drunk anyways. I snack like I always got the munchies, I'm just a little too clumbsy, random by default, and idk.. I think the last few years that's changed somewhat though.. sometimes I wonder if people think I am an addict/alcoholic by association. Not people at AA. They seem to know the difference. Its not that hard really. But like law enforcement and professionals. the people at the treatment center. idk.


I'm about to contradict myself because i just said I don't get it. but that isnt true. i get it. everyone is an addict. i mean it isnt a complete contradiction because i get addiction but i dont get addiction to drugs. I feel I'm addicted to max. I know I am in love with him. But there's also something else. I have a really addictive personality. Everyone does to an extent. Even if your addiction is laying on your ass doing absolutely nothing. 


Doing sitD right in the new year. just like the good ol' days. Rambling incoherent nonsense as far as the eye can seeeee. 


Don't worry.. I'm done talking about max for now. 


I haven't done pretty much anything since being back. I;ve been sick but so what.


Although yesterday I decided to do some challenges. 100 days of squats, 100 days of push ups, 100 days of learning Nuvole Bianche on guitar, 100 days of using charcol with my toothpaste. 


I started the squats and guitar yesterday. I want to squat 100 pounds. which isnt much but i can barely do an air squat. I want a big butt. God didn't give me much to work with but that. Imean I like my hair. But after the last 2 years I'm pretty sure I'll be completely gray this time next year.


I read that squatting can actually make you shorter. Which. Is not ok for a person like me. I'm 5 3/4". So I need to start doing yoga again. 


Nuvole Bianche is so beautiful. Sometimes I listen to it on repeat while I study. Speaking of that.. i should register for classes. I failed 2 of 3 last semester. uhg. I got an A in the 3rd one but it was easy.


Oh. Right. I move into my uncle and aunts house today. I'm nervous about it but excitedish. I hope kodi behaves. He's been a nightmare here sometimes. But maybe because of all the change. And I have been sick so I havent been able to do things with him as much. i think their backyard is more grass so he wont do what he does here and just roll in the dirt nonstop. every time i go out there he is literally just rolling around like he knows how white he is and how fun it is to brush him after he does these things.


I have a weird feeling. I can't figure it out. I keep wanting to write about it but it isnt translating into words. Maybe in a few days I'll know what it was about.


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3/ Anger

Its been a hell of a week.


Actually its been a hell of the last 2 days. But the week prior was great. wonderful even. I had tiny setbacks and felt little pains of sadness and doubt and hurt but not like usual in this situation.


I dont know where to start or what to say.


Max and I broke up on dec 1st. It feels like longer. It hasnt even been 2 weeks. Ive been doing really good. Not just saying it. I've been going to alanon meetings every day. and keeping in contact with people. and I've even been happy about it. 


he keeps doing this to me. Kicking me out. Or leaving. And it was one thing before but now its winter. In wisconsin. I spent Thanksgiving without him when I could have been with my own family. He promised this wouldnt happen for Chrtstmas. 


schoool. alanon. max. friends. living. andrew. airbnb




I started writing this entry weeks ago.. i didnt even finish.. at the end i wrote things i was going to write about and never got to them.


I guess its fitting that I never finished it. Because I've had a hard time getting past my anger lately. Its not like I expected myself not to be angry. But I've been dealing with it in a mostly non psychotic way until I started this entry.. and ever since.. I've just sort of lost it.


So much has happened since I first started this entry. This last month has been so crazy.


I pushed him away with anger. And people "don't blame me" because of "all the trauma" I've endured. And "of course" you're angry. But this last week I've just said evil things. I have been mad before, I've been really mean before.. not like this. And I mean he's said evil things to me. Done evil things. Been generally evil. The fact that he has him amazingly sweet moments only makes his overall evilness that much more evil. And I say evil and not mean because its on another level than meanness. And I got to that level this week. 


I moved back to california. I am so tired. I'll probably add to this later.







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2/ Focus

Sometimes I just cant do anything. 


Literally. Anything.


My brain will not function. I'm lucky I'm able to type right now. I just dont understand how sometimes I am so good at things and sometimes its like I'm just a shell. Sometimes I'm so capable of things some people would be jealous of. And sometimes.. I cant even remember basic common sense.


I got upset with my friend last night. Idont know why when people say crappy things they try to cover it up with "I meant blah blah blah". Like I'm not aware that they arent perfect and that people dont say stupid things or even believe stupid thigns sometimes. Just own it. I get not wanting to offend me, but you did. And it was equivalent to saying "That's retarded" To a mentally challenged person. Basically blaming the reason he couldnt think and was basically calling himself stupid not by saying he is stupid but that he has autism. And this isnt the first time he's used this phrase of his to relay how stupid he is. I said.. "dude. You have said that before and its like you forget who you are talking to." And he says to me "You dont have autism. of this I'm sure". First of all, I do in fact have autism. However high functioning it may be. And that is a fact I didnt just pull out of my ass but was finally "given" to me by a qualified psychologist and psychiatrist and confirmed by multiple medical professionals since. "given".. like I didnt have it up until then. It finally explained a lot of things and I wasnt happy to have it.. but I wasnt unhappy either. I was happy to have a reason for all my unanswerable questions. And at this point in my life, I dont think of autism as a curse. It made me who I am and I like who I am.Most of the time. And I have overcome A LOT. And obviously I wish I could overcome the rest but I'm working on it. And I dont know. His whole "I meant..." explaination just made it worse. Because it was like "well i just meant that you are a very smart person blah blah blah" Being smart has nothing to do with it. And really, I'm not very smart. I have to work for what I got but there are a lot of naturally intelligent and talented people on the spectrum that are more "afflicated" than I am. Even someone who is that ridiculous steroptypical image of autism, that people love to assign to every sinfgle person on the spectrum, could be a freaking genius. Whether they are sitting around not able to talk, shitting their pants, chewing their hair.. whatever ridicilous idea you have about autism.. doesnt mean you know whats going on in their head. It has nothing to do with how intelligent you are. Or if you're verbal or not. It just made me so angry. Because there technically is no such thing as aspergers anymore. Its all considered part of the autism spectrum.


I just really hate when people say bs like "But youre so normal" and "But my cousins sisters ex roommates nephews etc etc etc has autism and you're nothing like him" etc etc . I dont even feel like explaining how ridiculous these statements are. People dont even get how in a single sentence they can discredit a persons whole existence. Fortunately Im in a good place right now and these thigns dont affect me quite as much as they used to. Not enough to stew on it all day for weeks and weeks. months. years. I guess thats what writing is for. And autism isnt who i am, but it made me who I am. Like a lot of things but it has affected me in every way since I was born. Its like going up to a person in a wheelchair and saying "You arent handicapped. i know you can walk". "Oh i didnt mean to offend you... i just meant you are such a smart person that Im sure if you tried hard enough you could just like.. make your legs work. Fuck doctors. Just try harder. be better. You're so capable of other things so its crazy you arent capable of walking. its so basic. What are you stupid?" That's exactly what its like.




So I was already having a hard time focusing on anything and getting my brain to work and then that conversation happened. And at the end I'm the one who ends up feeling bad. You know the whole fight or flight response. pretty much bullshit. Why am I so "normal"? Because I looked at my character defects and try by best (i suck sometimes but i think I am pretty good) to work around them and blend into society at least in terms of what is socially acceptable behavior. And this whole "Oh I offended you? ok bye" shit is just SHIT. I used to blame my mother for it but now I credit her for my ability to confront my emotions and others. She took it overboard (ok lets face it, at times she was/is just bat shit crazy.. but she's getting better) but without that I might be as f*cked up in that area as everyone else. Just abandoning people and converations when I'M the one in the wrong or made the mistake. and everyone does it lately. and i'm getting really sick of it. I'm just glad I have been going to meetings.. because I dont know how i would be handling things and especially people lately. 


So I ended up feeling really misunderstood. I made a friend a few months ago who has aspergers. I stopped talking to him because I didnt want to make more male friends in addition to the ones I already have. I'm not going to fire any of my preexisting friends just because theyre dudes but I really want more women friends. Alanon is somewhat helping with that. But I made an exception with him because he has aspergers and can relate to me in a lot of ways no one else can. So it was nice catching up. Right now we are staying at a friend of max's because well. long story. But its aspie hell. I can talk about that sort of thing without feeling high maintenance or like I'm just a complainer. I dont want everything to affect me like it does. I cant do anything about it.


alanon is helping me understand that I am who I am and I dont need to apologize for it.


I have a lot of studying to do. But I cant absorb anything right now. Idk how to fix it. Its been like this for weeks. and especially the last couple days. 


Max and I are all over the place. I feel like the more I try the less he does. Sometimes it makes me want to stop trying. Its not fair to say he isnt trying. But he just plays games on his phone all day when he could be looking for a place to live or a job. He keeps saying he will get a job this week. He said that lasrt week. And he says for me to just focus on school. But nothing is getting done and I dont want to be at his friends house anymore. its only been a few days and its really hard. So I have been looking for jobs and a place to live. Everything kleeps falling on me. People keep saying to focus on me and take care of me. But those are things I need too. So I cant depend on him to do them. ANd i have to do it all. And its so stressful. But telling him that makes him feel like I am blaming him or attacking him. the other day i just said i need help and that i am feeling really overwhelmed, this was weeks ago and it started a huge fight because he took it as an attack. I dont know how to say anything. Things have been a little better lately so I dont know how the same conversation would go now.




199 hit(s) (1 comments) | pee in my bucket  
1/ Recovery
Listening to: Kodi chewing on a bone
Feeling: better

I decided to write in here again.


I used to write all the time. Maybe not every day. But regularly. I used to do a lot of things I dont do anymore.


That's all about to change.


My life. Has been. Insane. For better, for worse, mostly for worse but I'm in a place in my life right now that I havent been in in a very long time and thats being able to REALLY see the good in even the most horrible situations. And I think I am here, in this state (of mind), for a reason. As well as being in this state.. of wisconsin.. for a reason. 


Years ago if someone had told me I would VISIT wisconsin, let alone live here indefinitely, I would have laughed and laughed... now here I am 2 plus years later. I met Max what seems like a lifetime ago. But it wasn't. Its been less than 3 years. But in that time we've been through so much. In our own lives and together.. and its been so... well its hard to explain in 1 entry. and its hard to explain mostly because although I know God has his hand on my life right now.. I'm not sure what that means. What he is trying to do. I already know he's a part of this. I dnt need to wonder. And I dont care if anyone does or doesnt believe that or in God etc themselves.. I can tell you this much... I'm not afraid of my faith anymore. So to those who dont like honesty or have a weak stomach for God talk, you can probably stop reading now or get yourself a barf bag. I dont like talking about God because it generally made me uncomfortable in the past just because my mother was so in mine and everyone elses face about religion growing up. But Iwas never like that. But this is a safe place to be open about that stuff. 


Because of the events of the last couple years, because of my current relationship, and because of experiences of my past that I had no idea affected me in the ways that they did until recently, I have recently been going to al-anon meetings. And its been amazing. There is a force in those rooms that cannot be explained. Its not just God. Its not just a common bond. Its a fusion of those and so many other things. And it has been making a difference. 


Not just in my dealings with my current relationship like I expected. But in every area of my life. But I digress. This isn't a public service announcement for a program. But things have been hard. But I'm becoming who I am again and just who I am period. I was looking for help with specific thigns in my life. Help for aspergers. Help with schoool. Help in general. It all started in those rooms.


I wish I had known what a difference this program would have in my life years ago. Maybe it would have saved my marriage. But, as I was talking to my aunt a couple nights ago, its okay that my marriage ended. I couldnt say this and mean it a year ago.. but I am grateful that Tim is happy where he is in life. He was such a huge part of my life for so long and no matter what we went through or will still face in the coming months with this appeal, he was my best friend and a genuine person and I know more than almost anyone on this earth how much he deserves to be happy. And for whatever reason ayear ago, whetehr it was jealousy, or still having residual feelings, or even that unbelievably selfish thought of "he shouldnt be happy until/unless I am happy", I could say I am happy for him but I couldnt believe it. And I couldnt admit it. But without even realizing it, I am able to think of him and his new family and smile and truly believe evwerything happens for a reason. If i think of me back then like I often do with people, put myself as I was then back into the situation and have those same feelings, and focus on those feelings. and obsess about those feelings. i can take the person i was and see that that isnt who i am now. So even though I can feel everything old me would feel, i dont have to feel it as new me. If that makes sense. Imean.. because it is sad. and its ok to recognize that. Its ok that the 28 year old me wanted a family with someone so badly and we never had the chance for so many unfair reasons. It is sad. But i am not sad for where I am today. I have grown and learned so much. I'm so incredibly far from perfect and im far from a finished product but I'm so much better than I was. And I think it has to do with what Ive gone through with max and divorce and greiving old plans and ideas of how things should be. 


I think God tried to tell me over and over in so many ways that making plans is good, but dont set them in stone. dont think i have so much power over plans and my life. Work towards something, but. that I have no real say in it all. The darker it is, the easier it is to see the stars.


Okay okay... Anyways...


Max has been sober now since April 1st. Yeah, I hate this sobriety date. "April Fools". Probably the scairest sobriety date someone can actually have lol. Anyways.. 2 days until 8 months! 9 months on new years :) Which is a pretty cool 9 month mark.


Things havent been butterflies and roses just because he's been sober though. Its been EXTREMELY hard. Sometimes it seems like its worse than when he was using. But. There's progress. We love each other. And all you can do is try. 


I know a lot of people might hear our story and think i am a moron for bieng with him. But I dont think I'm being stupid or careless. I think the love I've shown him.. and not all the time - I'm not perfect and I make so many mistakes, especially in this because its all so new for me but.. I think the grace and love I've had at times has made a difference. I'm not the reason he is sober. But I do believe I played a part in it. And that matters to me. His life matters to me no matter what happens to us. 


I'm going back to school. I feel like such a loser at 31 and still not having a degree but better late than never I suppose. this is my 4th semester and its not going great. the first 3 were good. i did well in all my classes. But this semester. I've had so much to deal with. Kodi. However wonderful he is, it has been hard. Kodi is my samoyed puppy. He's not a puppy anymore. well, he will be 1 year old on December 8th :) He is so big now. I miss when he was small enough I could pick him up. I miss picking him up like a baby. My little polar bear baby :( But as hard as he can be to handle sometomes with everything going on, its also better to have him... people sometimes ask me if i ever think of getting rid of him. There have been days the lasrt few months that he is my saving grace. That he was the only reason I woke up and got out of bed that day. And he is the reason my sleeping schedule remains consistent and normal. He wakes me up without fail every day at 6 - 7 am ... actually lately he's let us sleep in. but he gets me up, he gets me out by NEEDING to go to the dog park. if he doesnt get to the dog park at least once a day he is a giant ball of energy the rest of the day. It gives me exercise and times to clear my head which wouldnt happen otherwise and I would just sit and stare at my schoolwork, overwhelmed and unproductive. He is so much more than a dog. And when I have meltdowns, especially the times, and theres been more than I'd like to admit the last few months.. when max has decided to break up with me.. and im alone and cannot handle it.. he's there. sitting by me. loving me. licking my tears. smiling at me. lol. my smiley dog. I couldnt have picked a better dog. samoyeds ALWAYS look happy to see you. Always.


Well, there's so much more but I think that's good for now. I have so freaking much to do. Homework and I wanted to read tonight from the blue book. i also need to look for a place to live because right now we are staying at a friend of maxs.  Too much to explain in an entry and I probably wont get into it anyways but its just been a crazy month. HOpefully as we do what we need to, things will continue to settle down. They already have.


We had a good day today. When I love myself, its easier for others to love me also. When I dont let my fears overpower my thoughts, its easier to see the whole picture and live in the moment. When I live in the moment, I find more peace in myself and apprecaition in him. This week I've seen myself clearer, and its scary and hard. And I've also seen him clearer.. and can be more understanding.





110 hit(s) (1 comments) | pee in my bucket  
Trial & Error

I felt it was about time for an update to my most beloved little online ghost town. A real update.



Well. So much has happened.


I got divorced. That's been interesting. Probably mentioned that a while ago but thats where it all started. Even now, its just strange to think of myself as a divorced person. I had no idea what I would be getting myself into when I woke up that morning and told Tim i needed to talk. Sometimes I wonder how things might have been different now if I had kept my thougths to myself until I figured them out completely. And didnt act on them or worry about them until I fixed myself. Who knows. I know this.. no matter what happens or what is going to happen now.. I dont regret getting married or divorced. 


I met max. And I'll be honest about it, for most people this relationship is not for them. its not for the faint of heart. That said.. I'm sort of faint of heart. He's an addict. And we've spent a lot of time getting over hurt and lies told in the beginning of our relationship. But as of yesterday he is now 6 months sober of everything. when i first found out i just wanted him to be done with his drug of choice. i didnt care about weed or drinking. i mean i prefered none of it but i was just desparate for him to want to quit that 1 thing. and there was a lot of trying. and trial and error. but he let me take him to treatment 6 months ago. inpatient. and its not a cureall and it doesnt make life magically amazing. but 



61 hit(s) (0 comments) | pee in my bucket  
Hello Again

Hello again,


It's been a while.


Not sure where to start.



17 hit(s) (1 comments) | pee in my bucket  
Last Night

max and I are staying at a hotel for the week.


I'm doing schoolwork and watching dirty dancing. He is sleeping next to me. His hand over his head outstretched on the pillow. I leaned over and put my face in his hand. He pulled it away and turned around.


I jsut dont understand. We used to have sex like every day. Today was the first time we had sex in weeks. and its probably only because Ive been making such a fuss about it. that we havent. lasrt night i had a meltdown because i tried to initiate things and he stopped it. that wasnt the first time. and i feel ugly and stupid and isjfadkl. idk.


last night i had a series of bad dreams. they werent actually bad at all. thats why though. they dont mean anything. and it doesnt happen a lot. its just weird to happen now. idk why. but i kept dreaming about memories. with tim. like remembering. all night. like if i didnt they would disappear so i let it happen. even though i wasnt really letting anything happen because i didnt choose to dream about it in the first place. but thats what it felt like.


some memories would repeat. it was mostly happy memories. and sayings. it should have all been really nice. but it was haunting and i woke up several times in a meltdown.


that's been happening now too. Its strange but its happened about 3 times now... waking up in a meltdown. max reaches over and says "baby whats going on.. come here. come hold me." until I do and we fall back asleep.


the one memory that repeat the most was this one.. we, tim and I, were having a really goood day. we were joking a lot. and idk why i just remember being really happy. and he came up behind me and told me to lean back and i fell in his arms and he grabbed me under my legs and swung me. and he would do that sort of stuff. and it was so fun. sometimes at night he would lift me in the air with his knees and hold me arms out and move back and forth and i closed my eyes and it felt like i was flying. and i wouldnt feel stupid or silly. even thought he called me a dork for how happy it made me. i know he wasnt judging me. i know he enjoyed it as much as i did. because he got the most pleasure from making me smile.


I'm not saying these dreams and memories or whatever makae me want him again. and at the same time im not saying i dont. in a way i will always want him. but not him now. him then. i miss us. but we arent us anymore. im not me and he isnt he. we'll never be us again. and thats ok. but i can grieve it.


i think losing brett was preparation for this. i always knew it was preparation for something. thats how life seems to go. hurt on top of hurt. worse every time.












12 hit(s) (0 comments) | pee in my bucket  

i hate not writting in here. I try to come back at least once every couple months at least. but theres so much going on and so little since its all the same thing over and over and over. just cut and paste.


things have been crazy. I just want to get my shit together once and for all. I want a place to live where i feel stable and secure at all times. I want a job. I want to feel READY to move again.


And its not just easy as... "Jeni, you need to start putting yourself first" and making decisions that put me first.. because Im only here for Max. If we werent together I would be in california or europe. So I try to make plans for us.. and then something bad happens and it gets put on hold. and then i get scared to make more plans for us.


I got arrested at the end of september. I had an autistic episode. there's more to it but thats basically it. it was summer so

2602 hit(s) (4 comments) | pee in my bucket  

i never would. but am i the only person who ever feels like just catfishing people? not to be mean.. just to connect but not as yourself. nothing sexual just whatever. just for friendship. just to disappear into another realm. thats why people love video games. why i did anyways. zone out completely and forget about reality. i hate being me sometimes. lately all the time.


how can someone else love you if you dont love yourself. i said such nasty things to him. and that fight is probably our last. i dont know what to do. i dont want to lose him. i love him and i know he loves me. he has to. had to. something changed. was it me or him? We havent had sex in a week. i feel so ugly and insecure about it.


on the bright side.. if there is one.. all this stress has made me super skinny. i dont know. the only thing to really feel good about anymore is weight and body image. its the only thing i can control somewhat. maybe not overall but i can control if i get fat. and maybe thats why i get so obsessed with what i look like. i have no control over anything.


he broke my phone but i also broke his. mine was $600 tho. his is $40. not that it matters. he's broken so many of my things tho. but i do feel bad regardless. its not a contest. sometimes i feel like he thinks it is and he has to always win who hurts who the most. and maybe he feels the same. i dont mean to. i dont want these things to happen. but now i have no way to contact him and it is killing me. i know he has his laptop but he wont respond to my email or fb messages. the emails just my fb messages. but i didnt know if he had access. idk. i tried calling in case maybe he got another phone after i left. he has malcolm toay. overnight. if not i might have stopped by and tried my best to fix this. but he's a wild card. and i didnt want him to be mean and me to freak out about it and it cause a fight while malcolm is there. we are good about not fighting around malcolm. I wish he was around all the time sometimes for that reason. at the same time he uses him as an excuse to put off issues. im so tired. but i wont sleep.

9 hit(s) (0 comments) | pee in my bucket  
Good Job


what do you think it means when you ask your boyfriend if he wants a blow job.. and he says.. a solid "no".


Like no me... this is a question for a friend obviously. ha.. ha..


Why pretend that I'm any less pathetic than I am? Wht does it mean... It means he's over it and I'm just too stupid to take the hint.


I'll be honest here. I have had a lot of wine and I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks about the fact that my boyfriend is all good in the blow job category. Do you think he already had one today? who turns down a blow job..


He wouldnt even kiss me. Yes... we had a fight earlier. the thing is theres more to this story than meets the eye and no i will not go into it but i will say this... he has an affliction. and i have autism. and the 2 just do not mix sometimes. at all. maybe ever. but fuck it we're trying. i mean i think he is. he had been. maybe he still is. im not entirely sure. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit balls fuck jkdsbfk. sometimes thats all i think. and the rest of the time its childrens songs. lol its weird. is that normal because it seems not so much..


But is that even a thing "no one turns down a blow job" or is that just one of those things people say.. like nno one  turns down cheeesecake" but what if you had a late dinner and you're full.. or already HAD cheeesecake.. again with the already cool in the cheesecake department. Where is there a metaphor for him not wanting a blow job that doesnt sound like he's already had one... maybe he's just sad. headache. tired. no. i asked if he was tired and he said no. and i asked if he was bored he shrugged. i said ok.. want a back rub? no. want a blow job... he said he "couldnt hear a fucking thing I was saying"... i regained my composure and asked again... "well. i said.. do you want a blow job?" and he just says no.


I'm not the sort of personthats just always going about rndomly giving away blow jobs. obviously. even in a committed relationship.. idk... certain things have to be established to spark my interest. its not a delghtful endeavor but undert he right circumstances.. you know love and all that..  it can be good.. even sexy... even awesome. but overall i find it shrug worthy and i dont typically like it. that being said, i find myself wanting to give him blow jobs more than I'd think I would.


its not like we're lacking in the sexual arena. if we go a day without sex i start to wonder whats up.. 2 days and I freak out inside. its been 2 or 3 now and idk. its not right. what happened to those 2 times a day days...


we've been fighting all week and its different then most fighting couples because of this affliction and my autism. its different. i try not to take it personally. but its hard. and very time it wears me down. but Im trying. maybe thats the problem. im getting side tracked. even when we fough before we would still have sex almost every day. but now.. its like i feel strange even asking... and now i have a reason why. before ithought i twas all in my head. but no.


the other day after one of these fights he said he was sorry and stuff and i did too and he told me that he destroys everything beautiful. he said he turns beautiful things ugly. i mean i get that.. i felt that bfore but... does he mean he doesnt think Im beauiful anymore? Is he not attracted to me..? I've  been self conciuosly lately but if I'm really honest with myself... Im not gross. I mean... Id say Im cute. I wouldnt say hot or gorgeous like he always says.. not so much lately like the last few days but he's always saying im s jsbudfd. idk.


Maybe I'm too much. Maybe sometimes guys just dont want a blow job.


But the problem is is that we JUST had that conversation... last week maybe a little more than that I was like super bored and wanted to have sex but he was sleeping so I was htinking about waking him up.. like.. with a blowjob. I thought.. what guy wouldnt like that?? But i ultimately decided against it. When e woke up we were talking and it came up somehow.. Im paraphrasing but he said "really?" I said "yeah... but I wasnt sure how you'd react" and he kinda luahged or thought i was weird and asked what guy wouldnt like that? and i mentioned how sometimes he's a bit [read: very] grumpy whn he wakes up. he said "thats different". i said I figured it would be but still unsure because a looong time ago there was a similar situation where we were talking while he was at work and idk how it came up but he told me that watching me touch myself was hot te last time we had sex. well obviously... its not like i didnt know that but the fact that he said it to me out loud made me want to o it again for him like immediately.. well lets just say it didnt go according to plan. i dont even want to talk about it. lol its not terrible. it was just embarrassing. ah fuck it. we fiished having sex but i was still going strong but it was still the beginning of our relationship at that point and i didnt know how to say such things.. i mean i finished but so what  i wanted to again maybe 3 more times idk man. Soo Im laying there and decided screw this.. i'll just go to town.. if he is too tired he can sleep BUT if he wakes up... pleasant surprise.. joins in... 2 happy people.. not quite. he thought i was trying to be sneaky. lol. well if i didnt want him to know i wouldnt be rubbing up against his side... i'd go like to the living room and do it or just go to sleep. i have an off switch.. Im not a bloody animal. i just didnt feel like turning it off. Anyways it was dumb. So it made the whole waking him up with a blow job thing confusing.


So he said he would be into it. He said he couldnt imagine not being into it.. unless maybe he was "completely exhausted and hadnt slept in days" or something and then in that case he might not respond welll. Which is why i turned andasked if he was sleeping. no. tired? no. etc. idk.


12 hit(s) (0 comments) | pee in my bucket  
Squishy ice cubes

When I'm depressed Im pulled to the ground. Literally. All i want to do is lay on the floor. Sleeping on a bed seems impossible. When i think about it I get this weird feeling like.. God i can't describe it.. but it's almost like it feels "too hopeful" and i know everything is hopeless. I'm fine though. I mean considering everything I'm doing grest I'd say. Maybe. I'm here. I'm not currently moving forward but I'm looking in a forward like direction. I'm definitely thinking forward thoughts.


It's just thst i get so sucked into myself and my thoughts and my situations and it becomes the focus of every dsy instead of changing the situation. I have been trying tho. Working on projects. Attempting things at least.


Divorce is so dibilitating. Not just in the ways you'd think but it has the power to make you so hopeless about such mundane things. And serious things. And new relationships. Amd the whole concept of "forever" actually meaning anything. And how lessons are always learned after the fact. 


Ivery been eating my feelings. Usually I am the opposite and have no appetite but recently I'm really hungry all the time. Mini blueberry muffins and chocolate.. the answer to every problem. Ok not really. I'm going to just finish the bin and never eat them again. Running helps.. I should get back into that. 


Going to buy a ticket to go to max. If thst doesn't work out I will get my car and road trip it to california.. sell it... and then go to europe indefinitely. Freaking election is a joke aanyways. But i do love my car.... idk.


I wrote tim a long message on whatsapp. We've been friends but after the last 2 weeks.. it's too much. I didn't know what else to do.



I m need to pack. I need to sleep




691 hit(s) (2 comments) | pee in my bucket  

I'll never understand depression or at least the way my body always tries to handle it. Its like my true self is so joyful and just plain happy but I'm prone to depression so its like a constant tug of war.  back and forth. sometimes i feel like I'm bipolar. But I've known people with it and I dont think so. Also heard aspergers can present as lots of things including bipolar so that makes sense. our cheery natural disposition and magnetic pull towards depression can come off that way sometimes but i dont feel its as rapid, I'm not manic, and i dont feel that the rage is as irrational. others may disagree during certain times of the month if you know what i mean.


My face is constantly puffy lately. i always see these ladies with sunken eyes and sort of poofy, droopy bags that puff against the tops of their cheeks forming a crease and i wonder how it got that way.. tiredness? a night of sleep wouldnt help some of tese women. its not those kind of bags. it looks like years of crying and hopelessness. not just women. maybe i just notice it more in women because lately i've been looking more at faces and noticing that women arent all as perfect as iusually think they are. a while ago i noticed i never look closely at anyones face. lately i started seeing who wears makeup and who doesnt.. where before it was all a blur. people i consder naturally beautiful because my eye glaze over them and then i see the powdery matteness against their skin and wonder whats underneath. theyre still beautiful but now i see them as humans with flaws like me instead of 'women' and I'm just a 'thing'.


I'm going to be 30 in like 5 months. i dont know what to think about it. I have a list of things i wanted done and accomplished by 30. and i dont think any are even close. 3 kids by 30 was one. lol what a joke. first of all now i dont want 3 kids. id be happy with 1 or 2. but even 1 by 30.. not happening. I mean its possible but not likely or smart right now. Not the time. Never is or seems to be.


So much happened in the last month. In the last 3, 6, year, 2 years. its like i think things are crazy but settling down and then they get together and have little crazy babies. But this last 2 weeks has definitely been the most crazy


I wouldnt even know where to start.


I have so much to say but if I start I'll write about things for hours instead of getting things done. I want to have something worth writing about someday...

268 hit(s) (0 comments) | pee in my bucket  

Before I would think.. if our divorce is inevitable  then I want it to happen as  soon as possible. Now it's not "if", it's "when".. and waiting is just excruciating.  I know it's coming. It's like watching a bullet in slow motion. Just hit me. Let me bleed out. And then be reborn and move on. But as it is, I'm just trying and failing over and over. Subtly and silently but failing all the same. Right now it doesn't feel real. But there are moments when everything hits me all at once and I have this haunting feeling.. like I'm floating and completely out of control.. like I'm not me.. like I'm not real. Idk how to explain it. It's not that easy and I've never been smart enough to explain such complex feelings. And this is unlike anything I've ever known.


Sometimes, it's okay. We both met other people. And it was so unexpected But a friendship turned into max and i. And it's not just someone. Inot so many ways I've never felt like this. It's not perfect, there's problems we've had to experience, inevitable due to our circumstances and unnecessary due to well.. the effect of those circumstances I suppose. It's affected us both in different ways and thats caused us to act ways we normally wouldnt. And we've had to find ways to cope with that in ourselves and in each other. It was hard. But we'recloser than ever... our communication is a lot better. And we both are crazy about each other.  He makes me feel beautiful and needed. He is passionate. Talkative. Sexy. Smart. Funny. Unique. 


But sometimes. I feel so.. married. Even though we've been separated over a year.in some ways over a year and a half. That's so long. And throughout a lot of that time, especiallyat the end, I felt very single. It's hard to know what to do when I feel like that. Do i speed up or slow down.. not my relationship with max.. but my divorce. Is that even a question really?  It's happening. 



Tim says to just keep moving forward. That's what he's doing anyways. And I will too. Sometimes it just feels strange. Like I'm not me. Like this is all happening to someone else in some alternate universe and real me is off in reality where things make sense. 


But just because things don't make sense doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am. I am so completely heart broken over my divorce and how things happened. Disappointed beyond words at myself. So many things . But I also feel guilty. For also being happy. For meeting max and falling in love. For feeling this way. 



940 hit(s) (2 comments) | pee in my bucket  

Im not supposed to be.. things are supposed to be terrible and hard and complicated and miserable.. and in many ways they are.. but right now in this moment.. aftet a night like this and every moment when he looks at me the way he does... I'm happy. So happy.


I look at him and know we're meant to be together. That everything I've done before now had to be to bring me to this place. A place of uncomprehensible joy. 


I look at him and know how lucky I am. He doesn't know what he does to me. He doesn't understand how much he means to me. He doesn't get how much I love him. In such a short time. Not really that short. We were friends first. We've been good friends. Best friends. In love. We've been through so much already but I know we can get through anything... because we both refuse to give up on.each other. We both want to try. 


I could say a lot. But I'm sort of sleepy and I'd rather cuddle with him.right now. I just had to say it.



361 hit(s) (0 comments) | pee in my bucket  
Over Simplified

We've been separated for a year and a half. Really its been a year. End of January 2015. Im not sure what happened sometimes and sometimes I know exactly what happened, so much that its scary that I didn't do anything but watch it all unfold.


I wont make excuses for myself or even for his lesser offenses. I'm not perfect. I made mistakes. I didnt want to screw up.. I tried to be honest. Sometimes I wish I would have just tried and possibly screwed up.. and then i could say.. well I tried.. and I failed.. this way.. trying to eliminate the problem, in all the worst ways, just made everything worse. i cant even explain this right.


People don't want truth though. They want perfection. And you can only be perfect if you remove truth. You cant have both. But at the same time.. you cant be an asshole/idiot either. Balance. I was an asshole and I didnt even realize it. Well i did i think but i didnt know what to do about it. I was an idiot.


But there's not point of trying to fix something that doesnt want to be fixed. We're getting a divorce. Im not surprised. Most of me isnt anyways. Theres a small part of me that never thought we'd be here. Not us. We were that couple. the one that was friends first. the one that people thought was so perfectly fitted for each other. Like God hand picked us for each other. But maybe that was all in our heads. Maybe we let peoples words assure us of things instead of work towards them. Everyone thinks we're fine and doing great, so we must be.


Idk. I'm over simplifying. A decade long relationship from falling in love to a failed marriage wont fit in this box and even if it could i wouldnt be able to explain. I dont think its anyones fault. Or maybe its everyones fault. I dont know. it just happened.


I'm so depressed. But not like how I was before when i get depressed.. i would spiral into days of sleeping all day and night and not doing anything and crying and avoiding life. That was years ago though. Ive never felt so broken and low and weak in my life. Even so this isnt the worst bout of depression. And i think its because i realize that there is no point to depression. Its a real thing and causes serious problems. But with work you can avoid it. Its hard to find motivation. but for some reason right now anyways, its there. Enough to make it though a day and get the things i need to do done.


They're right about the phantom limb thing. divorce feels like you lost an arm or leg. Its a part of you and then its just not and you have to relearn. its not that its impossible to do certain things but you keep going to do them the way you always did.. depend on things to be a certain way.. but theyre not. and never will be. and you have to figure out other ways. and thats where i am. doing things on my own. simple things. but things that were shared between 2 people.


I don't know if this is for the best or not. Maybe.


We are both with other people now. The divorce isnt final. In fact.. neither of us has filled out any paperwork as far as i know. I told him to do it. Its been my decision most of this year. Then his. Now its mutual.


Mostly I'm sad about losing my best friend. My safest place. My lots of things that dont matter anymore. Im sad that now it seems like all we talk about it money. I hate it. I hate that we say we'll be friends but maybe one day soon we'll stop talking and that will be the last time. Maybe I'll never see him again. Or know anything about him. What if something happened to him.. would anyone think to call me? Would he want to know if something happened to me? I think about these things and my chest starts to cave in.


Ive always had to learn the hard way.  I wish I was stronger.


Now I'm randomly crying in the grocery store. or wherever. 


I have all the answers now. But no one cares about the question.


Idont know what to say in here anymore.



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The Afterglow

The afterglow.. its not a description of the current state of my affairs. But its a nice goal.


Things never seem to settle. Probably because I keep kicking them around.


My car took forever to get fixed and I Tim let me stay with him and was gracious enough to let me borrow his sometimes.He would read this and scoff like.. what else woudl i do? But so much else.. idk.


My Aunt Mercy passed away.


My Aunt Irene came out for the memorial and we talked and everything is better. She wants me to come out and see Eryckas baby. She's pregnant with a boy. Due in November. I think I'll go around then to see him and help out.


My grandmas 80th birthday is in November. Ive been wanting to spend as much time with her as possible lately. I mean I have wanted to lately but since Mercy, its been even more pressing. Not just her but everyone.


I guess its about time I mentioned.. Tim and I have been separated for a year. Its so strange.. if anything its been a contradicting year.. the fastest and slowest.. the craziest without anything happening..


I was planning to go to China. For a few reasons. 1. Person who will not be named. and 2. This travel site idea that's been up in the air. Well the 1st reason made me want to go as soon as I could.. but since that's no longer a reason... I have time.


And now.. I might actually just end up going back to Europe. Finish where I left off before I got sick. I reeeeally really wanted to see France. And more of Spain and Germany. I feel like I rushed it. 2 months seems like a long time but I really only hit the major cities. So I feel like I got more of a touristy experience than I would have hoped for. I want to go to more secluded places. Not so many "churches" and "museums" but more landscape stuff like I originally wanted.. I just ended up going with the flow of whoever I was with. but my favorite times were spent outside in beautiful places.. like cinque terre. not some church i never heard of or care about... i can admire it from outside if I happen to pass by.. I mean I enjoy architecture but not enough to find EVERY church and museum in prague facinating. Vysherad was cool. Idk some of the people I met like Kayoko were just interested in marking things of a list. Not my style. But she was so organized.Not everyone was like that thought. There were people who wanted to experience good food and a more local vibe... so that was good.  I really wish I would have taken the time to go to the crooked forest in Poland. If I do go back I'll go to... France, Spain again, Portugal, Germany again, Switzerland but only because I think I can stay with some friends in Geneva (otherwise too expensive), Greece, Italy again (since i first got sick there and didnt really get to see much towards the end), Croatia, Poland, Romania, Bulgaria, Turkey, Sweden, Norway. Idk thats a lot. But definitely France if nothing else. Idk. China is still a possibility, but maybe after giving Europe another go. Whats the rush?


Decided to get a job. Or something. I've only been looking for things that would give me the freedom to travel. Might get back into acting. Might become obsessed with the guitar. Might work at a 9 to 5 job. Idk. Might do a lot of things. I haven't decided. Maybe I'll take all this useless money and go back to school but what a waste.. when I could go in France for cheaper. Or not at all. I feel like I learned more in 2 months in Europe than 2 years here at some stupid job I hated. I'd rather be basically poor and have experiences than making money just to spend my time being miserable. I'm miserable enough without adding to it.


beep boop beep.


What else..


Oh. Since I had been planning to go to China.. I got myself a travel guitar. Because I didn't want it to be like Europe where I was playing and FINALLY started to be able to play without it hurting so much. Calluses for the win. you cant really see them but they're hard. But they disappeared after a few weeks away. Didnt want to lug my guitar around een though its a student guitar so its smaller than most.. its still way too big. I got the ultralight travelguitar. It was on sale. wanted the natural wood one because i liked it but it was also $100 cheaper than the other color. Same model, just black. I didnt even like the black. Well i had a BUNCH of problems with my order.. from them saying it was in stock when it wasnt to them telling me i could only have a flooor model to them shipping it to the wrong place.. so eventually i asked for free shipping and no tax. they agreed. and since they eventually told me the guitar was out of stock and i would have to wait for them to get more which could take MONTHS.. they said i could get the black one.. i said ok but for the same price.. they resisted but I got it :) And in person the black is actually pretty nice.But it said it was an acoustic / electric but it feels / sounds more like an electric. I am used to acoustic so its kinda hard.. but i like the feel of it. The dudes at guitar center kept saying things like it would be hard to get used to the small size at first.. but for me, it felt way more natural than a regular guitar. After playing a regular sized guitar for a while I always get a cramp in my shoulder. So its nice not having to deal with thaaat. Still suck. But whatever. Its a fun hobby. Music therapy. Makes me happy.


Since I moved back home.. yeah.. I moved back home.. meh... but its been interesting.. I talk to my brother again. It was sort of weird though still. Since my aunt mercy passed we actually have been talking a lot. less weird. i missed him. We always pick up where we left off. Have fun talking and joking. Idk.


So we were talking about everything and at the end of the conversation Idk why but the gym came up. He is like.. obsessed with working out. well not really but he goes 6 days a week and he's all into it. And i guess I mentioned I had been getting skinnier but I still had a pooch. or something like that. And he said "give me 3 months" lol. I mean I'm not fat but I'm not in shape.. I can run a couple miles without dying but I'm not like toned. He said he could change that. haha.  I bet he could but I told him he had a week before I left. I guess now I can give him that 3 months.


Anyways so I went. He gets a free pass. It was my first time ever at a gym.. it was weird. And he kicked my arse. EVERYTHING hurt. i could barely lift my phone the next day and the 2nd day was even worst... But I went 2 days later and it helped. I'm going today. I think. I forget if he said they rest on Sundays. Monday for sure. Sean goes too. Jason said everyone else he's taken eventually quits but Sean keeps coming back. He said he would break me too. HA. Heh.. he probably will. But idk I think it'll be somewhat of a challenge to accomplish.. It gives me something to do.. takes my mind off things. Never thought I would step foot in a gym. I hate people looking at me when I'm working out but they go at 7:30pm so its not so bad. Not a lot of people.


Also decided to juice again. Its weird.. ok even if I eat horribly but just add juice, not even eliminate crappy food, just add 1 glass of juice a day.... after a week I not only feel better but I lose weight. If I try actually eating right... then its insane. My tummy shrinks. I always wondered what would happen if I ate right, juiced AND worked out every day.. we shall see. My brother has an 8 pack. :/ I have.. a pack. 1 compartment. Stores all my food babies haha


So. You know how when you're going to tell someone something important... and they interrupt you and start talking about chocolate milk? No? Oh. I guess its just me. lol. Sucks.


I should be sleeping. haha. sleep.


I feel better than I did yesterday. So that's something.




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21. Dots and Dashes

I don't know where my head is. Right now it feels like its between a vice.


I was in a car accident. The front of my car is ruined. I feel so stupid. I don't know how it happened.


I just want to sleep. But I have things to do. But my head really hurts.


It was a good day before that.. well.. all things considered it was. Had a meeting and then i had time to kill before my doctor's appointment so I went to Goodwill. I haven't spent anything on myself for a long time and I've been making money and I thought I would treat myself. I got cute skirts and a couple tops. I felt good. And then almost as instantly as the feeling came it's smacked right back down...


My neck hurts.



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17. In The Dark
Listening to: Tegan & sara - Relief Next To Me (and like all their other songs basically... and silversun pickups.. and that's it)

My student is a full time job. Its just the first week so I'm not worrying too much  but he isnt getting some of he most basic things. I even said he could open one of th pages we did together and look at it if he gets lost... without copying and pasting but as a reference.. and he still had code all over the place. i dont understand it. He wanted another assignment but I said he should try that one again first because I was hesitant to move forward when he's not understanding some really important concepts. what he sent me was actually better in some ways but worse in others. i went through the assignment i gave him and even highlighted in red the parts he needed to fix and its like he just ignored it. its weird. He's cool though and I know he's trying... I'm just venting here because I can. I feel bad though.. i know its only been 2 lessons..  actually he just sent it again and its better.. mostly.


"You're a FULL. TIME. JOB" lol. flapjack. I used to watch it when i worked at activision. or after. that was a good one... i think it was called "oh brother". lol and he thinks the duck is a baby with a hat.. lol nvm...


Tomorrow i meet with FTJ (full time job.. name assigned by Tim and it makes me laugh.. its not mean its endearing). Then I exchange my drum head.. finally. And then Im going with tim to sign the lease.. finally.


uhg, I am stressed out. I got my card in the mail.. finally.


My aunt decided to continue her dialysis. I'm glad. It was a nice visit.. we looked at old photos. She was so pretty. She had a cute boyfriend. He proposed to her. I think 2 guys did.. but someone said her dad said no. Which is weird because pretty much all her sisters got married.


so since i moved i rarely park in the garage... i park on the street now when i go to the apartment.. which means I've become a parallel parking machine. Well. With the exception of yesterday and of course THAT is the day tim parks across the street to watch... and i hit thee curb like 4 times.. haha. It was a fluke i swear!


anyways. i might jam this weekend with some people. i dont do that usually so we'll see how it goes...



I'm sad. Why doesnt matter. Well it does. Multiple reasons. I'm so sick of being sad. I'm going to get some answers. I'm gong to either move forward or move on. But I cant stay still or move parallel to the problem anymore. It isnt working. It might be the best.. it might be the worst. At this point i dont care. i just want to step out of this box I've created for myself.


Things are.. in the works. *or not..


FTJ agreed that skype lessons would be fine. So.. there's that...


I played drums the last few days. I wish I would have concentrated more on rudiments when I started... i feel like such a barbarian when I play. no technique...... just hittin sturf.  but.. i might have a lot of time on my hands soon. I think is time to dust off my practice pad and stick control book. its all chewed up (rabbits love stick control).. :( i miss jefri. dang. I really miss Jefri. I try not to think about him. Its easier to do i think because i got rid of absolutely everything that same day. i know how i am.. i wouldnt be able to handle it. but sometimes i miss seeing his cage or checking for him before walking into a room so i dont squish him. :/


omg. i looked to my right and Choli was  sitting and staring at me and it was so creepy. why are cats so creepy?


I should eat dinner but i ate ice cream earlier.. so that's probably good enough.







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10. Among Other Things
Listening to: Silversun Pickups - It's Nice to Know You Work Alone

Its going to be a hard weekend. It was just going to be somewhat strange... or awkward.. or maybe neither and it was all in my head as most things are... but now idk.


Today is our anniversary. I wasn't sure if I should bring it up. He didn't. we spend time together and its not awkward so why would it be weird to spend it together on this day? Or maybe that's the whole point... that other days shouldnt be weird but today is especially weird. Either way we finally talked about it and decided to spend it together. I think we both feel it would be more strange to be apart.. i dont know.


Everything is strange. My life is one endless succession of random happenings. Nothing makes sense and right when I think I know how things are going to turn out.. everything flips on its head and shakes itself up.


He asked if I wanted to see that new pixar movie. The one with the little girls emotions. He said he knows I've been looking forward to it. It has Amy Poehler in it and i lurve her. In the past we would do something like that and then I would make him manicotti. He said after we'll get ice cream.


Earlier today I was playing drums. I hadn't been because I changed the heads the other day and I dont really doooo that much.. at all.. ok ever.. the last time i had my ex boyfriend do it for me... that was years ago. and i didnt really need to change them since because they spent so much of their time in storage. so i did it and idk I guess I'm just a moron. I watched every youtube video i could find and no matter what i did.. they sound weird. I just don't have an ear for tuning drums... at all. Well that isn't really the point of this...


while I was playing I missed a call from my mom. I called her back and she told me that my aunt decided to stop her dialisis.. which has been keeping her alive. The doctor said it would be a couple weeks.. maybe a couple months. My family is going over to her house on Sunday to visit with her. I don't know how to feel about it. When I think of my aunt i think of the movie i watched on repeat at her house when she babysat us... it was with like donald duck and goofy and these other birds but it was weird.. it was called like the 3 caballeros. Probably the most spanish i was ever exposed to during my childhood which is sad... I don't remember much of my childhood.. i spent a lot of time at her house... playing in the smooth tree by the porch... or the lemon tree in the backyard... messing with the chickens on the other side of the fence... sleeping in one of the 2 twin beds in that weird room that felt like a closet.. being afraid to go into the bathroom in the hall... riding my tricycle on the path around her house all day... being yelled at by her and everyone else.


idk. I don't know what I'll say to her. I didn't know last time I talked her to... I never know what to say to anyone. I just make things worse. I just wanted to write about it.


I just want to talk sometimes... I asked Jaspar if he'd talk to me about things and he just wanted to fix me and everything going on. I wish people would just listen. I just felt even worse after talking to him. He kept going off on tangents about himself that had nothing to do with what i was saying.. and he'd try to compare our situations and say things were universal and normal.. like just knowing that would solve everything. like I didnt already know that.


I started tutoring. It was a random thought to try it out and didn't think it would amount to anything.. but i got a response and it went well. I didnt think i would enjoy it but it was kind of fun actually. Its just html5 and css3. I guess i could get into javascript and php but I'm not as confident to teach those things. I didn't think I would be confident enough to teach even that much but it went very smoothly and I really dont give myself enough credit. But I should like.. start.. doin that.




Duolingo logged me out and now I cant log back in.. :/


I have a stack of books I wanted to read. I wish my head didnt hurt so bad. I wish I could concentrate more than 5 minutes at a time. My back is killing me again. I saw and killed a creepy bug on my bed earlier.. now I can't bring myself to go near it... its hot in here. i want to go for a walk. a drive. a something.




And other things.



So now my car wont start. Fantastic. I need it to work before Monday. 1 thing goes right and 3 go wrong. The good thing is that  have a new student and he wants to do twice a week. Woot. I gave him a lower rate since he's student and he's in SCV.


I really hope my battery just died and it isn't something terrible...


My mom was home today.. made me a breakfast burrito. I talked to her and it was good.. and then she started asking about today and i just dont want to talk about it. She basically told me I wasn't a christian. So that's always fun. It's like her go to every time she doesn't know what else to say. I wish people would stop trying to fix it. People. 2 people.



...I continue to not understand anything about anything.





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[2060] Le Temps d'un souffle coupe
Listening to: Coeur de Pirate - Corbeau

Marco Polo. the dog from Big "Squirrel!". I feel like I am moving one way and then all of a sudden there is the tiniest thought and it jerks me in some radom direction. Months ago I felt I had a direction... and I was usure but sure enough not to sway. Things happen tough. People let you down. or whatever.


Have you ever fallen in front of a large group of people and at first you think to catch yourself but then you think its probably a little to late for that so you just let it happen.. knowing whats coming.. and hopefully it doesnt hurt to bad... i feel like I am Bill Murray in groundhog day and its just this feeling over and over. not for one area but pretty much everything.


Everything is going to change. At this point even if it were possble to stay the same theyd change anyways.


Maybe I need to learn to let go. Altough. I dont think its a general problem. Certain things.


I've been trying to distract. I spend mostof my freetime right now trying to learn French in different ways and guitar. Guitar.. I like to think I am getting a little better ish.. but not really. And according to my memrise app, I'm not a beginninger anymore. Ha. Lies.


Sometimes I think the only reason I had ever been interested in acting is because other people tell you what to do and say.. no thinking. no wondering if it was ok. it just is. but i guess that is the point of all of this.. to move away from that, not into it. 


Ive never been good at finding the line.


Speaking of what I want to doo with my life.. i have no effing clue.


I feel like I am being eaten from the inside out.


Things could always be worse.


So much more but how.





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[2025] Coup de Grace

I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope but its a welcome alternative.. anything over the constant feeling of falling backwards through the air. Maybe i thought the feeling was thrilling?.. i was intoxicated on ideas based on my own feelings not facts.. breeding reason out of thin air. But there was no end. Or maybe there was and it just happened. i guess it does feel as if i smacked into the earth. 


Anywho. That was probably the longest drawn out lesson of my life...  I feel like utter crap and better than i have in a long time.. the two feelings beg for my attention. Im not worried about it though. Its crazy how 1 word or thought can trigger a simple epiphany that explodes eith a million tiny epiphanies and everything suddenly starts making all kinds of stupid sense. And its stupid because i should have known in the first place.


I have too much to do to worry about all this anymore. I just dedicated 9 months of my life to anlost cause. I can think of a better use of 9 months... or could. I dont think i want that anymore. I dont know what i want.


Dont you hate when someone tells you their going through the smae thing as you.. like. For example if you told someone your uncle died and they responded with.. "oh yeah for sure i just lost my pet gold fish". Im not saying you cant get attached to a gold fish but come freaking on.. almost 12 years and 3 weeks are not compareable. (All uncles and fishies.. that i know of.. are fine.) Just saying. 



Its ok though. 


TheBirdistheWrd . Thats my instagram. Idk why I'm posting it. I haven't before and i dontsee a reason no to. Just bored i guess. 


My cat is trying to cuddle with my phone while i write this.. grr. Move yo face kitteh.


From now on I'm only caring about things that either care back or make me feel good. Everything else can suck it. 






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[2017] The Way That It Will Be
Listening to: CIty and Colour - Little Hell

I feel lost, too.


I wouldn't say I don't have a direction.. I think more accurate would be, if I am a boat in the ocean, I have a direction but no paddle. And I actually have a few directions that could make sense... but right now they all depend on distance (as in time and effort) to get there instead of what I would pick if distance wasnt an issue. Lik if I had a motor. Or a dragon. Yes.


I feel like a broken record. Saying th same things to absolutely everyone, including myself. making decisions in my head but not turning choices into actions and moving forward. Just staying and expecting things to change. I hurt everyone around me. I try to be selfless and end up being more selfish than before. I don't understand how it happens. I don't know what to do. I know what I want, what I should want, what I could want, etc etc... i know a lot of things that dont  matter.


The fire in my chest ignnited again today and I dont think its going to go away. It never did. Why am I surprised. Did I expect anything else..


I feel like I've been split into several different people all sitting around a conference table debating what they think I should do every second of every day and in general. Maybe its always been this way but there was aa dominant voice that I refered to as myself and chose to listen to the most. but now they all sound the same. And nothing I do makes sense from one second to the next because these people are nothing alike. One day I think one way and the next someone else takes over and the things I thought the day before dont make sense.. or do but i couldnt care less because so does this new voice. i dont actually hear voices.... that'd be nice though. sometimes the silence is overwhelming.


I feel old. the last 2 years. Like its too late for anything to be "fixed". And then I feel ridiculous for thinking that way.


I've decided to put all my old dreams away for good. Develop new dreams. Stop putting timeframes on plans. Nothing ever works out the way you want. Planning is good to an extent. Waiting for the right time.. waiting for things to feel "right" isn't a way to live. But even if you dont think that way.. others usually feel that way so what you want doesnt matter anyways.


Everyday, at least for now, I work out for my body, learn french for my mind, and play guitar for my soul. I wish I could say its enough. Its not but it definitely helps.


Right now I feel like getting as far away from this place as possible. Not just that but disappearing. One day just leaving a note for everyone I know who cares (and thats not many) and just leave and not say where or why just leave and not give a date for coming back or say whether i am or not. For several different reasons. I have some issues.. some things that happened. things i dont think will go away. i thought i could deal with some stuff.. and instead.. well it doesnt matter.. but i realized.. even if i deal with one thing another will take its place, whether its the same sort of situation or something else. and whats the point? Why try? Why not just steer into the skid? What if this is God or the unverse telling me what it thinks of me.. what I'm worth.. or I just have really bad luck. I'm too naive. I'm too fragile. I'm too trusting. As much as I would love to say I dont trst anyone (and I often do) it isnt true. i trust everyone. I fall in love with everyone i meet. Not in an in love love way but you know what i mean. or you dont.what was the point? Right... I'm just screwed. I can continue to try and be what I think I should be and try to do good because that's what i think is important and genuinely want or just say screw it.. and give in to this feeling. meh. I dont know how to explain what that would mean without gtting into stuff i dont care to talk about. but i feel like whatever is causing that feeling is growing and isnt going to stop any time soon.



Its not fair to want things to go back to the way they were before.


I try putting myself in other peoples shoes. Not just saying it but really.. I spend way too much time just imagining how it would be.. and how i would feel.. thats what makes everything so hard.. i dont want to hurt anyone. but i cant do this anymore. and no matter what i choose i will hurt too in some way. no matter what. being honest was enough in the beginning but not anymore. the only thing that matters now is following through. how. its impossible. feelings are such shit. they just screw everything up.


at least I am on my own. at least.


i miss jefri. weird subject change but today i thought.. what got me through before? What is  making it so hard? And i dont know.. but i had beeen really busy with him.. especially as he got older and needed constant attention.. he was like a baby. and he looked so cute in his little premie diapers... a buny in a diaper is probably the best thing ever.. and sad. but he wasnt suffering. he didn't not even at the end. he was happy. but it wasn't just that.. he was with me through a lot. its stupid but.. lol its stupid.. but i had him 10 years and when i was sad we would sit and i would cry and he would lick me like he knew. and he wasnt just a rabbit.. everyone said he was like a puppy.  Idk he'd lick my nose and cuddle against my leg. i guess its been about 8 months and i havent thought about it. i got rid of all his stuff the same day he passed because i didnt want to look at it. but now its like he never was. i kept some stuff. the bear he loved and licked so much his nose came off. And his socks. Yeah.. he had socks. and little stuff like that. idk its weird. the middle of last year can forever be labeled the season of major change. its weird that he isn't here when i need him.. i feel a little foolish for saying that but its true.


I'm think I'm going to watch a movie. I've been watching the show bob's burgers.. lol tim was watching it and i was giving him a hard time... said it looked really lame. well i was wrong. its probably the only thing that can make me laugh right now. cartooooons. and the voice of louise is the girl from flight of the conchords.. the really obnoxious fan and she's in that new show (which is also pretty funny) last man on earth. the first 2 episodes of that show are amazing. now its just good.


I have to make cake pops for my mom tomorrow. meh. and decorate them. double meh. i usually wouldnt care but idk. i dont feel great. i'm half way between wanting to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth or banging my head against a wall.. at least i dont want to stab myself repeatedly in the heart just to prove to myself that that's not what I am actually experiencing. lol Im stupid.


wah wah wah.. this is why i want to just leave. I am so annoyed with myself. saiasildalsdlsakmdaksm. and my entries just get longer and longer because i think if i just get it all out I'll feel better but I dont.









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[2006] Things That Matter

A quick cure for pretty much anything that makes you want to bury your head in the sand, light yourself onn fire, or some other melodramatic action that no one cares about.. go down the list until you feel better.


1. Sweat. Sweat out all the negative toxins.. they're yucky.

2. Replace them with COPIOUS amounts of chocolate. This is important.

3. Sing at the top of your lungs. If your voice doesn't crack youre not doing it right

4. Dance in your underroos. Actually. Just do everything in your underroos from now on. Pants are overrated. Also, adopt the word underroos.



"Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least"

- johann wolfgang von goethe



meh, what else..





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[2005] It

doesnt matter



Hear. Say. Repeat. A lot.









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[2002] Must Be Nice

Things are weird.


Last weekend tim and i met with our tenants to renew their lease. We've been so lucky.. they are amazing tenants. Keep the place spotless, no complaints and they pay early or on time. I'm glad we decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.. one of them had something strange oj their credit report but they explained that it was wrong but still i asked a close friend of mine who rents out lots of places what she would do and she said she wouldnt risk it. But tim said he trusted them. And his intuition is usually pretty good.


The condo was udnerwater just last year.. we owed more than it was worth. And it felt like a bad investment. all the renovations felt like a waste of time and money.. but now it seems silly to have worried.. the market is doing better and its worth at least 30k more than we owe now. Not that we'd sell.. but if there was a need to we could now.  Just feels good to know it wasnt all for nothing. Blood sweat and tears sometimes does pay off.


Speaking of blood sweat and tears.. i go through waves.. idk how it is for other people who have been through similar situations but.. sometimes i am on top of the world and feel confident and strong and capable of anything and whats happened to me and my past and my pain only fuels me and drives me to push myself.. and i know it coulf be worse and i remember that when i start to feel bad.. and sometimes.. like now.. it weighs and keeps weighing me down further and further until i feel completely useless and hopeless and alone. Worthless. Pathetic. Incapable of even the simplest tasks. Trying my best to focus on skmeyhing that matters. Obsessing over things that dont. Wanting to slip into denial. Its what i do best. But I'm learning. Slowly. Denial isnt the answer. I can overcome these things. I have before. My pain doesn't define me. I've been so low and conflicted. But thats not who i am and I'm not going to force myself out of it before i am ready but i know i need to work towards moving on. From several things. Whether i want to move on from some things or not i have to. There's nothing to hold me back. This started about one thing and switched to something else so its confusing but.. its 2 very stressful and very different things I'm going through and i just need to get over both.


In related news..  i dont like looking at my lion. I dont like holding him. Idk.


I need to run. I might join that kickboxing class with my mom. She keeps asking me to go. 


So much is going on.


I've been learning french on my duolingo app. 5 day streak.. ive been doing it for a couple weeks but 5 days is the longest.  I can say stupid stuff that no sane person would ever need to say.. like the monkey eats the pasta. Or pink elephants wear hats. Hehe. All the different tenses are freaking hard though... and i guess duolingo is good with reading and hearing stuff but i still sound super weird when i say stuff. O well. Anyways its been a really good, easy distraction. Not that french is easy.. its ridiculous sometimes.. doesnt make any freaking sense.. but its easy to get lost in it.


I was working on my site last week. I guess i dropped the ball recently. I cant concentrate on anything.. had a lot on my mind.  But i recently got a bunch of it off my chest..  maybe itll help.. idk. 


Its weird.. i dont know why but when people hurt me and say sorry... i feel more bad for them having to tell me sorry than i do for myself having to be told. Its almost like i feel the need to tell them to stop and its ok.. dont be sorry... not almost.  Always. and i do that a lot.. "no its ok. Its fine". Without even thinking. But some stuff i dont think should be so easy. At all. Some stuff.. it just is. I cant explain.. but. Sorry isnt enough. And yet i still feel bad that its being offered.  I shouldnt care.


I have to go to a dentist appointment at 2. Its almost 10am. Havent slept all night and all morning. Tried. Cant. Might try again but i dont want to miss it. So i guess staying up works. I havent slept much. I dont drink enough water. Havent worked  out in a couple days. I look like crap. I feel like crap. At the same time... i actually dont feel as crappy as i would expect myself to feel considering the clusterf*ck of nonsense going on right now.


I'm hungry. 


I think its great some people find the means to get over things so quickly.  Must be nice.  


I want chocolate.


I have. So much. To do.  Its. Insane.




966 hit(s) (12 comments) | pee in my bucket  
[1997] Coincidental


Lol in case anyone is wondering... that's my spot on impression of kevin sorbo and his brilliant acting skills in this Hercules outtake...



Haha. Ok. No. Serious time though. Things have been meh. Meh to the max. Times a floppity gillion and rolled in severed body parts. But lately, unlike before europe, I've been surprisingly up beat and positive. Idk. Lol i have no reason to be. Uhg. I don't know.. maybe because i realize for the first time in a long while that i am not quite so old as I force myself to believe.. and maybe this is still just the beginning of good things. Maybe. No.. probably.

But yeah yesterday was weird. Not weird weeeird. More like a rollercoaster of emotional turmoil. But I am figuring things out, contrary to what many people might think... slowly but surely. I've always been a bit on the impulsive side.. trying to be different. Trying. Slow and steady wins the race? That doesn't apply here does it? 

Its cold. I had a dentist appointment today. The first one in like 6 or 7 years. Gross i know.  Not because i couldn't afford it or something.. honestly for the first few years i just didn't even think about it.. and then once i did i kept putting it off.. and then forgetting about it. Since being back I've felt so much more proactive in every area.. i guess this was no exception. The lady that took my x-rays looked at me and said "in over 6 years?.. but.. honey how old are you??" .. I've been getting so used to this reaction lately.. i dont see it as an imposition anymore but a genuine curiosity for most people who meet me and there is an implication that I'm not a teenager. i really personally dont think i look as young as they say.. maybe 25. But most people still think I'm way younger.. i thought they were all just being nice but it happened even more in europe. It happens any time i meet anyone really. 90% of the time it happens every time. Heh. Anyways then the dentist came and did the exact same thing and her and the xray tech both speculated on it for a minute. Its always uncomfortable but again.. starting to gwt used to it. I mean. Its a good thing. I enjoy it now but it is still super awkward. She was really impressed that my mouth was in good condition considering how long it had been. And no cavities c: its especially flattering when a dentist asks if you've had braces before and you haven't. So yeah.. i don't know why people hate the dentist.. totally made my day today. And i needed a little pick me up considering all the crap I've been worrying about.

That reminded me of this scene from mean girls..

"Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. Its not your fault you're so gap-toothed" Hee



Now I'm eating at Mighty Mouth ;p



So there's a SOLAR-POWERED backpack! >_< If i backpack again there's no way I'm not getting one. About 1/5 the cost of something like an external battery pack. But about 10 times better. Would have helped all those times.. yes all.. that i forgot to charge my phone and regretted iy immensely. 

I'll finish this later..



Actually the rest is probably best for a private entry. Thought i had more fluff but I guess its less fluffy than I thought...


Also... I hav so much to do. And and also... my back hurts.






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[1996] Apparently

Sooo sleeping is overrated.




Apparently my body just doesnt get the concept... that its good. that i neeeeed it.


I actually slept in late yesterday.. after being up all night.. like tonight. It seems I must be utterly exhausted before my body will accept the notion of sleep. Idk why it always wants to reset itself to this crazy schedule that works for no one.


I was worried about asking and then when I finally decided to I learned that my uncle and aunt were on vacation so I havent been able to make plans. And its been.. so.. hard. and awkward and then normal.. which feels even worse sometimes because things are anything but normal. things are so incrediby far from normal right now. Weeks ago going to my moms wasnt an option. But things change. And i finally askd her and she said ok. I was supposed to go Monday but well tim was working on the car and something happened and he needs to order a part. which he did should be here soon. But I cant drive it until then and he needs the other car to go to work sooooooooo.. yeah. Also the washer wasnt working and someone is going to come look at it so i said i would be here when they do.


Soo basically I know nothing about everything. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in so many conflicting directions. And the biggest dilema isnt even the only one. Even without it I'm ridiculously overwhelmed. One thing is that I dont know if i should go back to school or not. Or how I would if I wanted to. I mean that really depends on a lot of stuff.. like the outcome of the big dilema. and job stuff....


This new site idea just seems stupid sometimes. Sometimes not but most of the time... it just seems like a waste of time. and wonder if i should do what i always do and give up on it before giving it a chance and just applying at some stupid computery job doing stupid crap to make money for someone else and work crap hours andbe miserable like everyone else.  everyone keeps saying that "everyone hates their job".... with this undertone of judgement ringing through.. like I am immature and stupid because I dnt want to settle into a life i hate just because "everyone else" does it. Which isnt even true at all. I used to want to be an actress (which honestly just sounds stupid now). I really seriously wanted to but had no experience.. but i was too afraid and insecure. Sometimes I want to take classes or get a coach and try again bu again it all depends on other things. But trying and failing at that seems more inticing than succeeding at most other things. Besides acting.. i like music. but i suck at guitar. i still suck at drums. and it all just seems like a waste of time when i think of pursuing it s anything other than a hobby. the computer science crap all used to make sense. but now.. idk. i realize if i get into that again I'll just be asking for one of those 9-5 jobs and office politics and bs water cooler chit chat with some person who doesnt give a real crap what i have to say.. just tryng to get an angle to stab me in the back or gossip about me. Its what always seems to happen.


I just want to make a difference somehow. I realize now as I get older.. and older.. and older.. that that's asking a lot. So many people.. some people are just going to live ordinary lives... it takes a lot to actually do something with meaning or impact peoples lives in a positive way. One reason i wanted to be an actress was yeah it would be fun getting to play diffrent roles and personalities and pretty much "dress up" who doesnt love that... but also because of the influence they have.. some use it for evil (and by evil i mostly mean stupidity) but some are actually good people and try to give back and make the world better. I had so many ideas last year. One ws for a nonprofit organization. But nothing comes from it because I didnt believe in it enough. I feel more capable to do certain things now but still. its overwhelming. If i had a nickel for evry idea i had that didnt amount to anything.. I'd be rich.


Did you know you need a bachelors degree to join the peace corps...


Which brings me back to schoool. Its so expensive. Being in Europe I met so many people with masters degrees. Not just because its important in their culture but its also super cheap and in some cases pretty much free. I've always felt I'm stupider than I should be... and if that doest make sense... that's exactly my point. Wasted potential. Because of money. Even with financial aid. And then no financial aid because i was married and we made JUST enough to not qualify but hardly enough to afford a full schedule per semester. So I took a class here and there. But I was dumb and did computer classes because I was working and it made more sense.. at the time.. to learn more in my field. It should be a requirement to finish general ed classes before any others because at least then you have those out of the way and are half way to your degree even if you change your mind andd switch fields. I did it alll wrong. I read that frrance and germany are really cheap even for foriegners. Under $400 for an entire year cheap. Usually its more than that per semester... at a community college.


I was complaining about this the other day to tim.. and ended by saying i was really consdering going to school in europe for this reason. a few days later he told me that stanford or some big name school announced that they're going to be offering free courses too and if they do maybe i could go there or maybe other schools will follow their lead. I said thats awesome. But, not to be negative, I could never get into a school like that. Also.. it'll probably be years. So. unfortunately, it cant really benefit me now.


I just want to travel again. More. 2 months sounds like a lot but it was so short. it was nothing. i would have liked to slow down. Seen more cities in 1 country. Venture away from the center more. I'm so glad I went to cinque terre. I really feel like that was the most beautiful, authentic place I went.


I dont think I even wrote much about the rest of my travels after Prague. Vienna, Austria.... overrated. Budapest... nice. fun. I liked it. Venice was pretty cool. a little dirty... people seriously need to pick up after their dogs or teach them to go in appropriate places... but yeah it was unique. Florence was fun but thats around the time my cold was turning into bronccitis. Met cool people. It was pretty. Statue of David was so amazing. My Rom experience was terrible. I saw the colusseum and that was awesome but thats pretty much all I saw. Barcelona was.. great. I arrived sick but I got better by the end. I had a really good time there.. Even though I also didnt see much but supermarkets and cafes. London was expensive.. I had a good time thought because I stayed at a category 7 hyatt hotel.. andaz on liverpool. Didnt pay for it.. i earned 2 free nights by signing up for the credit card and spending like $1000 in 3 months. Just used it for rent one time. And it was cool because they had free sacks and drinks an the bed was really comfortable. My biggest travel regret by far.. not going to frane. What is wrong with me? I'm not exactly sure. I guess I just wasnt in the right state of mind after being sick so long and feeling tired and just wanting to rest... like really rest. be alone. no obligations. but if i could change things i think i would have definitely stayed longer.. i think i would have gone to geneva and stayed iwth a friend and then tried to woolf in france. or something. or jut straight to ffrance. i ended up spending a lot more than i wanted in order to come home early.. if i just used it to go there first and fly out of denmark or sweden or norway.. would have probably been cheaper. I dont know why i didnt think of it.. i mean i flew into denmark for less than $300.


Anyways. ANd now I'm back. Its been almost a month now its weird. Time keeps snowballing.


I've been purging stuff in the garage. Getting rid of anything and everything we dont need or use. Its hard... how do people collect so much stuff? And really.. we dont have a lot of suff compared to most people. Espcially since i did this same thing last year and when we moved.. but still... so much stuff.



I guess I'll sleep. This was long and pointless. And really negative but o well. I'm sad.




i never learn.



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[1981] Good morning, America...

Yeah. I'm back in California.


After 50 days backpacking through europe. Its strange. It feels like i never left. I knew it would. Grr. I just woke up and it sounds stupid but it really does feel like it was all just a dream. I went there to think and figure out what i wanted.. in my current situation and in life. and I'm laying here realizing i didnt figure out much. I feel like i learned a few lessons and grew a lot.. and that's why i think overall it was a good experience.. amazing really.  But for the intended purpose of the trip.. i failed. I just came back with more unanswered questions. More doubt and fears. More regrets and mistakes. But also experience and stories and memories and friends and adventures and desire to learn things i was too afraid of attempting and talking to anyone and looking strangers in the eyes... sometimes.. finding that part of me that used to be bold. And being independent or at least getting there and knowing i could be if i had to be. Among other things.


Its too cliche to say "i found myself". Anyways i dont think i did. Not quite. But. I think if you go to a new place like that for a short time like a week or 2 you wont find much.. but backpack on your own through various countries for almost 2 months and yeah.. i didnt fiiiind myself. But parts. Definitely found small parts that i know are who i really am. Things that I didnt know before. Things that would probably be considered small and insignificant to anyone else. 


I have no idea what to do. In this moment and in life. I'm not at a fork in the road.. I've been pushed out of a plane into the ocean and abandoned.. no idea where i will end up with any direction i go. I could just wait and drift and see where it gets me.. or i could just pick a direction and swim and end up somewhere i dont want to be.. or maybe somewhere i do.


The more i try to figure things out..  the more i realize maybe some things cant be figured out or solved.. maybe they will always be a part of me.. creating the lines on my face that unapologetically remind people of the things I've lost.


I dont have a car right now. I might take a bus to surprise my mom for lunch. She doesnt know I'm back since i made the decision only 3 days ago.  Told her i wanted to skype today. Well yesterday and she said today on her lunch break would be better. Which is good cuz i got back and fell asleep around 7pm and slept through the night. To be in this bed again is amazing.. hostel beds suck. Well.. theyre not as terrible as i thought theyd be but still they arent very comfortable.  




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[1962] Praha II

I switched hostels. I was at The Old Prague House. And I liked it at first. Kind of. Mostly. It was charming and the bathrooms were nice and a private room wasnt too much. And free breakfast and wifi and pretty clean. But the 1st room I was in was smaller than their bathrooms and it was freezing!! The heater was only warm if you stood right next to it. and the locker was broken. I got sick and I think its because of ho cold it was there. I switched rooms and the 2nd room was way better for the same price. The place is run by a russian? German? family and they were really nice especially the tall woman with very short blond hair. She was awesome. But the old lady was so rude to me and then the guy at their restuarant charged me $20 for a $10 meal and that wasnt cool. He gave me some back when I figured it out the next day but still not enough. like half but I didnt care enough anymore.. 5 bucks.. but i guess that was his game.. to drag it out until i didnt care. O well. He had perfectly fine english yesterday and today he couldnt even speak it and had to have the lady translate. A lot of these people do that. But why not take advantage of me.. everyone else does.


This hostel is weird. Hostel Homer. Everything is simpsons themed heh. But not like cool.. just pieces of paper with lame jokes. I mean if you're going to do the whol theme thing at least do something cool with a hue wall mural or a couch that looks like same couch.. or something. paint the walls yellow? put a sign over the kitchen area that says quicki mart or whatever it is on the show. thats 3 off the top of my head and i dont even like the simpsons. I only ended up here because i randomly walked by this one hostel and asked for a dorm but they said they were full and she just started looking for a place for me :) When I walked in and askd for a room there was a couple or couple of people idk if they were together and the  guygoes.. "um.. are you just outl looking for a hostel?" or something to the effect that its crazy i didnt have a place lined up and I was like "yeah" And he's like "badass", haha. I guess. I just figure I'll find something eventually. Anyways, no one is here but an old spanish speaking couple. Or they were. Im in the louge. I was sitting on the couch and really comfy but went up to get my laptop and they took my comfy spot grr. So I was in a chair on the other side and it smelt all weird.. like cat pee. I kept smelling it every once in a while. i smelled me.. my bag.. my jacket. my hair.. its not me.. i smelled the chair and table and flowery thing on the table.. nothing. my hands smelled like soap. the soap smelled weird but not the same. It was definitely cat pee... BUT WHERE. I moved back to the couch and dont smell it anymore.. weird.


Its been a hard.. month.. week. and especially 2-3 days.. But today I forced myself to try and do everything on my list and I kinda did it and it was good. And I actually had a good day. Busy day.


First I actually had breakfast. Listened to these douchey guys discuss douchey things while I ate and drank coffee :o yeah I totally drank coffee cuz I drink it now. One guy was in the room next to me and he had a girl  with him and they made weird sex noises all night and it gave me the weirdest dreams. Not sexy dreams.. just weird. Its sad. to me it sounded like he liked her. I mean.. from what I heard. And with the 2 guys at breakfast one asked what they were doing today and he said "I dunno we were pretty busy yesterday so we'll probably take it easy today." And the other guy said "YOU were pretty busy yeterday.. or last night anyway." And the other guy goes "Oh yeah? " And i think he asked who or idk something like that and the sex guy goes "Some crazy bitch". Geez.


Then I packed my stuff. Put it in the reception area (they keep it there while you go out). I walked to Prague Castle. Nearly broke a sweat running up the castle stairs to make it in time for the changing of the guard. Which I didnt need to do because it was right around the corner but I didnt know if I would have to find it. I had to take off my jacket I was so hot.. everyone looked freezing and I was ready to take off my fleece pullover too. So I took pictures of that and video too and it was pretty neat. Then I took random pics around the castle. I know its lame and I didt really want to but I went to the starbucks on the cliff because I had to.. the view was amazing and the starbucks was actually cool.. it was down these circular stars and idk.. felt better than a typical starbucks. I got a white chocolate mocha.. because again, I drink coffee now. I think Europe changed my taste buds. Maybe it happened on the plane ride. heh idk. But I drank it out on the patio and the view was awesome. And I was sad because whenever you go on a trip the second you leave it feels like it didnt happen. And I didnt want to forget how it felt. And what I was seeing.


It was a little cloudy today but even a dreary day in Prague is more beautiful than a sunny day in most places. Well most places Im used to. Did I mention I love Prague? Then I got lost.


And ended up walking back up the castle stairs.. good work out. And went through and found St. Vitus Church and St George Basilica and I walked on the golden lane and took pictures of the towers and stuff. I didnt find Lobkowics Palace :/ I wanted to eat at the cafe because I heard it was good.


Then I stopped at this little souvenior shop. I had seen a lot but I liked this one. I got a few postcards for my family and a little tin case and 3 pins. 1 is awesome because it says Praha and has a pic of a pink converse shoe and I have been wearing nothing but my pink converse around this whole place. So it was kinda cool.. like they knew! How did they KNOW?! Seriously though.. sounds stupid but that alone would have made my day.. and then it got better.......


I walked out of the souvenior shop and across the street a ways and down a small hill was the river and TONS of swans! This was my favorite part of my time here and I think I'll go back again tomorow. I sat by the river to the left of charles bridge watching/feeding the swans stale chips. They were so pretty and funny waddling around on their little feet. Idk it was good. I love swans. Sent a pic to my mom. She said I am a swan and not to forget. Oh mom. I dont know what makes me sigh more.. the fact that its pretty cheesy haha.. or that she couldnt be more wrong. Anyway that same feeling came back about being happy but sad that as soon as I left it would start to fade and theres nothing I could do but continue to take picture after picture to preserve it. And then put my camera down and just appreciate where I was.



I am so thirsty. its almost 1am and I want to go out and find food and a big bottle of water. Im in a busy part of town now so i dont feel too weird going out late alone. I think i will. its probably easier to find beer than water at this hour  but that willjust make me more thirsty.


The front des dude is in here making something and it smells so good. its just a sndiwch. dammit. Im going to get food or I will dieeee.




I didnt end up getting food or water. I went to the dorm and the 3 other girls were already sleeping. When i woke up they were gone. I got up and booked another night. Might actually do another too. So 2 tonight and tomorrow night. Idk idk idk i just love it here and the more i see the more i feel i haven't seen. 


STILL need to go to st francis of aussi church.. keep getting there to late deapite how close it is. I want to go to tv tower too. Righr now i am charging my phone before i go out. Going back to that spot with the swans. Just packed a lunch. Got SO much again from the supermarket.$13 for a bunch of atuff and the other day it was $10 for lots of stuff but i think i wrote about that already. 


Its weird in this hostel.. its so dead. No one is here. Not like out exploring.. just not here. Butni dont mind. I like having some alone time right now. Although it would be nice at night to have someone to go to dinner with.






More to write about from prague... been here so much longer than I thought but again.. i like it. Stay away from karvola street though So just.. grrrr.


the other night these girls invited me to this 5 story club. i mean.. it was interesting. clubs are clubs. i felt out of place for so many reasons... feeling old but looking too young. weird feeling and then the girls i was with knew theywere going to this so they brought skirts and heels and honestly they looked a little too dressy but there i was ith my jans and converse ha. we didnt look like we belongs together . but it was fun dancing with them.. after a few drinks. It made me think of that joke I heard by dane cook about how girls and guys reasons for gonig to clubs are so different and how you never hear guys say "I just need to dance.. f*** chicks man... I just ned to dance" He obviously never met the guys in this club. They were dancing with girls but also by themselves and with each other. They were good too. It was cool because they had like radio hits and stuff but then they had "oldies" but they played like 90's songs and everyone sang them at the top of their lungs... reminded me a little of the 80's club i went to with brett and sal. idk. clubs are lame. But traveling alone is nice and everything but once in a while you just want to be around people and those girls were nice. And they spoke english..well. Lots of people speak english in europe but its broken and hard to follow most times and it was so easy with them.


I met another girl from japan and we went out for drinks on v day. she was cool and funny. We were walking and saw a sign that said "non stop hot dog" and i dont know why but we both couldnt stop laughing.. we hadnt even been drinking. She was going to slovenia? I think thats it and then to vienna. And I am going to vienna then venice. So we decided to meet up in vienna tomorrow. I typically wouldnt do that.. but she said she was lonley to the canadian girls and I thought it would be nice to have someone to hang out with. Esecially since i wont be stayng in vienna long.. 2 days. and it'll be easier to get things done with  2 people. Were staying at the wombat hostel. Cheap for vienna at only $14/night.


I didnt go to any cemetaries.. I was in prague over a week. I want to kick myself. i kinda of want to go not.. its 10:30pm. haha. but what the point of going to a cemetary if not late at night... but i shouldnt..alone and everything. Although.. Ive felt really safe in prague so far. Even late at night down narrow alleys.. i dont feel creeped out. well i mean a couple times but i think it was in my head more than being an actual problem. So I think it'd be fine... but its freezing. Decisions.


Just booked my hostel and bus ticket.


Everyone I meet tells me I am brave for traveling alone... I dont feel "brave". I feel kind of dumb actually.


The girls today were saying that they had a horrible day because they couldnt figure out the train and got lost and had to walk a long time with their huge suitcases and had trouble finding the hostel... and then the other girl here is also traveling alone and she got here telling us she left her "document" (I'm guessing passport) in the last ocuntry she was in.. oops.. and she had a hard time figuring out the train and they made her pay the fine and she just broke down crying. I havent done so much yet. Well not over that stuff. Although I've found myself in similar situtions... I got super lost for a long time a few times. I walked far with my pack a couple times. My phone died more than I'd like to admit when I really needed it to be alive. I got ripped off a couple times.. that hostel restuarant and again at the bridge (write about it in a sec) But I dont know. I think I expected all of it. Especially being me... haha. Never been on my own or done everything 100% for myself so.. its been challenging but I knew it would be. Having to ask people for help was the biggest challenge.. beign "shy".. not just shy.. being me. Awkward and clumsy but now add in sef concious about the language barriers. But its okay... most people have been really nice and happy to help. Some of my favorite moments traveling so far werent seeing sights but while I was lost and being helped by the coolest people. That lady in berlin who wanted to help soo badly but she didnt speak ANY english so it was impossible. but then I just felt it would be ok to ask the guy next to me and he spoke english pretty well and he was so sweet. and he helped get my ticket for me and we walked onto the train and he grabbed my ticket and ran off, punched it and ran back on.. i wouldnt have known to do that and would have missed the train.. he almost missed it himself doing that. And the nice older fellow from the first berlin train station was really helpful and smiley. Idk some of the waitors and service people here (and in berlin) are rude. Idk if its because they ca tell i am american or if its anyone. Although maybe its how you present yourself because they are always s nice to me at the supermarket but i guess they were super mean to the canadian girls.. which is ironic... but they were nice when you get to know them but they both sort of talk snobbish sometimes and a little... entitled? So that mightve been the problem. But today I met the nicest guy making trdelnik that rolled pastry thing they have everywhere. He said it would be about 2 minutes and i asked if i could take ppictures. He said ok. And I took 2 or 3 but i didnt want to be annoying. But he was sweet he said to me "camera ready?.. this is picture.." and motioned to move to the other side of the counter and then opened the thing cooking the pastries and smiled and I took a picture and smiled and he winked at me. Its little gestures like this that can make a good day.


And sometimes break it.. although... negative attitudes havent affected me at all since being here like they used to. Actually.. negative attitudes or other people in general (mostly) havent really affected me since August. Like there have been some RUDE waitors but meh doesnt matter. And the other day i was walking and couldnt find where i was and just needed to know my location real fast and there was a starbucks so i went in and used the wifi real fast and this coupl walks by right as I am walking out and the guy goes "douche bags". lol. The other day I got starbucks because it was the view and the only coffee place near by. But i wouldnt get coffee from starbucks in  europe when there were about 5 other local ones a couple blocks away. but he didnt know. i would have said the same thing. i hate starbucks. and then i was walking yesterday and this old man just says "bitch" under his breath. And i know he was tlaking to me cuz no one else was there but i wasnt doing anything. Just walking. I didnt even see him or give him a weird look becuase i was looking at the sidewalk. and thats not rude because people dont smile at each other when they walk by here.. i tried.. and I'm met with stange looks.. that imply "wtf is wrong with you... why are you smiling at me??" But it doesnt really prevent it.. the corners of my mouth have just been trained to lift awkwardly when a stranger happens to meet my gaze. idk.


im hungry.


i should do laundry before i leave.










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[1968] Praha

Made it to Prague the other day.  It's day 3 and i should be having fun.  I was excited to get here but idk. Maybe berlin was just so fast that it makes everything else feel slow. Or maybe because i have the onset of what could turn into a wicked cold. 


But its amazing here. I dont like the crowds in certain spots and can't imagine coming during peak season. Probably stab myself in the face.  But there are those moments when i look up and realize I'm walking down an alley and feeling like i stepped into a fairytale. I could live here. Maybe not forever. But I would love living here for an indefinite amount of time. Not that that will happen.. just saying.


I'm trying to make a dropbox folder for my pics for my mother or whoever really but its taking so long for each file to download. Just the ones I got from Kilian. Mine wnt take this long. Hopefully. Or this is going to be ridiculous and she can just see them when I get back.


im all itchy :( The first few days of wearing my merino wool leggings I was so itchy even though merino wool is supposed to be such a fine wool that its not supposed to be itchy.. well it is for me. I'm extremely sensitive to that stuff. But I refused to take them off and eventually it was fine.. like 3 days later. I have a merino wool shirt too but I havent worn it because Copenhagen and BErlin were snowy but they werent that cold... Prague isnt even rainy but itts freezing. Its not that bad tho. I have my hand warmers and big jacket and walking around in converse is fine if you double up on socks.




Wrote that a day or 2 ago. Still in Prague.. Praha..


I got sick and still am for the last 3 days. Not the flu thankfully.. but a stupid cold that gives me sniffies and itchy throat. grrr. So I havent done much. I have another night here booked so we'll see. I definitely dont want to be in Prague for valentines day. I didnt even realize it was coming. But idk.. it would be weird being here for that. It shouldnt matter to me. And it kind of doesnt. But it kinda does.


Not that Italy will be much better for that but o well.


I must have walked at least 7 miles yesterday while exploring. Up stairs and hills. My butt muscles were so burny and my feet hurt for the first time sinc traveling. I shoud be resting but it just seems like a waste I did oversleep today on accident so hopefully thaat helps.


I went to this restaurant that had the highest rating for goulash... but meh. to be completely honest it was gross.. and i wasnt being picky. I mean if typical, good goulash means chunks of tough meat with ridiculous amounts of chewy fat (shudder) and tiny bits of cartilage and a strange after taste.. then you'd probably like it... if you have taste buds and dont like gross things like myself... you definitely wont.  But the waiter was so nice to me so I gave him a nice tip. He was like "You in Prague.. alone?" he seemed really surprised. But i see girls walking around by themslves a lot. ot as much as guys but enough that it shouldnt be too surprising. Anyways he was cool and very smiley as soon as I walked in. Some of the waiters at other placs look so mean all the time so that was what I liked. Maybe I just got the cook on a bad night. I would try it again if I were staying longer.


Its weird eating alone. Actually I dont mind at all for breakfast and lunch, its dinner that sucks. Where do i put my hands?!? And where do i look? The wall? A book? My phone? Its not so much being lonely.. its thinking people think I am lonely. Dont really care but I guess I sort of do. I think I'd just eat dinner in cafes instead of restaurants. But they're so cheap here its a shame not to.



Not  doing anything hasnt been as disappointing as i thought. I've been enjoying kicking back and just taking it slow.. pretending i live here and doing what i imagine the locals would do.


I like th atmosphere. Its better the further you get from charles bridge. Unfortunately. But the bridge is pretty.. i like walking to the left when coming back into old town instead of going straight through karlova street.. its so crowded. But to the left is a cemetary and st frances cathedral. Probably going again for tonights walk.


All this walking is doig great things... I dont have a scaale but i lost at least 2 inchces off my waist since being here. which i figure is at least 5 pounds.. if not more. idk. idk.. back home i felt weird wlaking around for exercise. i would rather be on the treadmill and watch a movie or listen to musc as i walk. but here its so beautiful you crave being outside onstantly. even in the cold.


It snowed this morning. I switched rooms last night this one is twice as big and so much better.. locker, full length mirror, heater that works, a door without windows! haha.. just overall better. And basically the same price. They gave me a fuzzy blanet last night because I said my other room was could during the night. So I was all toastyyyyy.


Figured out the dropbox thing for my mom.. problem: other room had crappy internet connection, this one does not. Man that room sucked.


I went to the market just now and I keep checking over and over because i got tons of things and it only cost $10.. I bought 3 apples, 2 bananas, a grapefruit, 2 of these small bread things, 1 other bread thing, a croissant, gouda cheese, about 10 slices of deli meat, those little circle cheese snack things... forget the name, halls cough drops, water, razors, tissues, and chips.... FOR $10! I want to check again...


Did I mention I love it here? The buildings, even the "plainer" ones are gorgeous.. the streets are all cobblestone. Every now and then, sidewalks and streets seem to run together and cause people and cars to dance like lovers... which reminds me... I love the crosswalks. Its weird but when its red they tick i dont know.. 50 bmp and then when its green its like 100 bmp. I'm sure they have that a lot of busy places but I've never seen it before.


I might go back to that globe cafe. Its hard finding a good internet cafe out here. Yeah, there's starbucks but yuck. I went to cafe Nona.. it was pretty good.. couldnt read the menu so I just pointed to a random item and the only thing i could understand which was a coke. The thing I orderedd was like a flakey dessert with chocolate pieces in it. Pretty good. I want to find a better spot tho.. these seemed.. not nearly as "franchise-y" (yeah is a word, shut up) as starbucks but a bit. Un petit peu.


blah blah blah.. blah blah blah... blah.


k bye.


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[1966] Danke Scheon

Yesterday was a crazy day of nonstop travel. My pack hurt but I discovered its because something inside was poking me in the shoulder  blade BAH! Once I fixed it it was like carrying marshmallows. I asked the front desk guy at the hostel how to get t the train station for berlin and he told me.. but I guess I arrived at the metro station.. I asked this older lady how to get there and she told me to get on the metro and go 2 stops away. Well. She was wrong. I thought she'd know being a local and everything. Grr. So then i get back and find an info center and ask and they tell me to take the bus to the station. So I find the bus stop and get on and I go to pay with my card and he says cash and I only have american dollars because I spent the other stuff. And I said "sorry I'll get off' but he said it was ok and to just stay :) So that was nice. I'm getting the hang of all these trains. It was really confusing at first but I think I got it now.


Got into Germany last night. I'm in a hotel in Berlin right now.


I miss Denmark a little bit. I met Liting the first day in Denmark. She's going to Sweden and the Finland. I should have gone with her.I sort of asked but not really. She said I should go though once. I should hav gone Blah  That was one of the routes I originally wanted to go.. Sweden and then not finland but Norway to see the northern Lights but she said Finland is cheaper and higher up so better chances to see them. Oh well. I miss all the bikes and the cool toilets haha. I will not miss straightening my hair and having it frizz in 10 minutes.


On the train from Copenhagen there were like barely any girls. And if there were, they were with a guy. WEll I did see one older woman alon. This creepy man kept trying to "help" me. Like and get really close to talk. Not a German thing.. a creepy thing. Meh. In Hamburg he asked where I was going and I looked around at the other faces on the train and I noticed all their eyes glance over. Not like they wanted to know too.... more like waiting to see if I was actually going to tell this creepy lol.  I said "uh.. beeeerrr..lin.." I didnt want to tell him but I couldnt think of any other place. So when the train stopped I waited for him to go one direction and I went the other Creep. All the guys are so tall here.The girls are normal.


Since steppin foot off the train Ive had the song Danke Scheon stuck in my head.. and memories of the girls locker room in high school.


I can already tell the language barrier here is going to be a little more challenging than it was in Denmark.



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[1963] Forlander



Its 7:30pm in california.


I'm on a plane.. about to take off.


And that's all i know.



So far...

Everyone rides a bike.

The toilets are unnecessarily wide.

The buildings are colorful.

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[1905] Flarm

This is how I feel about bananas. I just thought the world should know.





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[1883] Because

Beeeecause sometimes when I need to stop being stupid and sad and laugh instead.. I think of this scene from HIMYM and it works every time.. okay 60% of the time it works every time...




or is it just me?

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[1855] Cloudy with a Chance of Indecision

Tim: geez your feet are still cold?

Me: yeeeeeeahhh

Tim: they feel like squishy ice cubes


Haha idk why that was so funny but i couldnt stop laughing


Leaving colorado tomorrow. This trip went by so fast but I'm ready to get back. So much to do and everything's been put on hold. I'm glad tim was able to see his grandpa now... he's been having really good days.. sometimes he has problems remembering things but overall he seems good.


Everything is so strange right now.  We've been married 6 years and every time we come out i felt the same.. on the outside looking in. And in the beginning i thought eventually it would change.. when it didn't every time we came out.. Whwn it remained exactly the same.. i felt it was hopeless. I thought something must be wrong with me that I can't seem to get close to my husband's family. I really just gave up thinking it would change. I accepted it was the way it was.. and now.. of course as usual.. when i need it least.. things change and make the current situation more and more confusing. Because i feel like they're finally seeing me for me. I feel like they actually like me. Especially his mom and dad. I used to get depressed when i thought.. God this is what i have to live with for the rest of my life? Being disliked based on someone else's opinion and there's nothing I can do about it?  And now i finally think things could change or have changed already but idk if it even matters anymore. 


It just makes me sad. It doesn't change anything but it frustrates me. This is something I wanted for a long time and now it seems too late. It doesn't seem like a big deal but when you marry someone you marry their family. And tim's family not being very receptive to me.. or at all receptive in the beginning. . Was really hard. Tim doesnt understand how hard it was because my family adores him. He gets nicer cards from my grandma than i do.  They love him. Everyone does.


I mean this little bit alone is frustrating and its not even the tip of the iceberg... so when people get married the first thing people tend to ask is "so when are you having babies??" When we got married all my family did was bombard us with the question.. i couldn't even say I had a stomach ache or my aunt would get excited thinking it was morning sickness. But tim's family never said a word. In 6 years.. even tim started thinking it was weird.  And of course this trip.. when the last thing I want them to do is ask that question.. it's asked 2 times by 2 different people. 


My family asked so much for years and then eventually the questions stopped. I'm not sure if i was more relieved or sad about that. Maybe a little of both. Maybe more sad. Especially then. But lately.. I'm okay with it. In fact..  i think i might just be okay with it period. Idk. There's things that seem more important right now. Like what the heck is my purpose? What should I be doing with my time? I know I'm pretty insignificant in reality but that doesn't mean i shouldn't try to find my place. The fact that it's taken so long is the most discouraging. . But maybe it's because I'm looking in the wrong places.. or going in the wrong direction. If you do everything the same nothing will change. I cant expect anything to change if i dont do something first. Or im just insane. 


Karen took a picture of us before she left.. her and Dennis and the boys went camping for the weekend... and she posted the pic on facebook. She's posted pictures of us before but this time tim's other family liked it and there were nice comments like "happy and lucky man!" And his mom said "yeah she is a doll. He is very lucky". And it's really nice but at the same time it sucks. Why is this happening now? I just want to press pause and walk away from all of this and not let the nice things cloud my judgment. Not let anything cloud it. But it's been so cloudy lately.







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[1851] Double Rainbows and Stuff


Wrote that last entry yesterday and fell asleep. My phone hit me in the face. This tends to happen a lot.


Today wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. But I feel strange being here.


I'm just trying to stay in the moment. There's nothing I can do about anything going on right now.


Waiting for my hair to dry. Listening to The Graduate.. band not movie. The movie kinda creeps me out.


There is a picture on the wall of a lighthouse attached to a small house on the edge of a cliff by the ocean... surrounded by forest.  That would be amazing. Wake up every morning to the sounds of seagulls. Go to bed every night to the crashing of waves.


People like me shouldn't be allowed to read the bible by themselves. They should always have an interpreter. I take things too literally and I'm just now seeing that some things are just metaphors for life.. not actual situations. Now its all so obvious and I feel ridiculous for thinking othrewise. This would have been helpful earlier on.. I mean I don't blame anyone its not like I told them what I was taking from the lessons. People assumed I was smart enough then because I was in some areas but incredibly stupid and naive in others.


On Saturday we went to Tim's grandma's house and his moms side. The one who can never understand what I'm saying. I try talking loud but it hardly helps and Tim has to tell her what I am saying like an interpreter. We took her car to Tim's dads house because her breaks needed to be changed. He taught me how to do it. I took pictures of the cars in Tim's dads garage and sent them to Brandon and Patrick.. I sent the purple dart and silver GTO and another I forget the name of. I tried to find that mini motorcycle I rode into a ditch that one time but I couldn't find it. I want to ride it again.


Then we went with Tims aunts and grandpa to see his grandpas sister. They said it was a good day to go because he was doing better than he had in weeks and had a lot of energy. They hadnt told his sister he had cancer yet. They wanted to do it in person. It was weird though. We were only there about 30 minutes... maybe 45. She's a funny old lady and really nice. She's going to be 95 this year.. I feel bad that she lives alone.. but I guess she keeps busy.


We stayed at his aunts house and played that dominoes train game. They drink a lot. I drank half a mikes hard something or other and felt weird. I swear they each had like 10 beers each. Tim had 1. I think they think I don't like him drinking or something... but Tim just doesn't like beer that much... and it usually upsets my stomach and makes me weird. I had a headachee all day the next day.. from half.


On Sunday we went to Tim's grandmas again and his mom and dennis and his uncle and aunt and cousin and his family came over. His cousins wife is really nice. And their baby is freaking cute. I got some cute pictures of the baby and Tim's uncle playing on the floor. We ate smothered burritos and watched football. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Especially since I got in a quick nap before everyone got there and slept off most of my headache. His grandma was in a good mood. For the first time ever I heard the question "When are you guys going to have kids".... of course. Luckily I wasn't in the room to answer. I put my headphones back in before I could hear Tims answer. Karen asked us later and I just lifted my hands and shrugged. Tim said something about getting into his new job.. and i guess that's a good enough excuse but its not the reason. His uncles wife dawn marie was being nice. She was nice last time but it was different this time. It didnt feel forced. It felt genuine. She even included me in on the family drama with Chris and his wife.. i guess there is a huge fued going on between her and his wife.. she showed me a bunch of awful texts she received from her... they were crazy.. a lot of the "c" word. I cant stand hearing that word or seeing it. Its the worst word. I've said some bad things to people in my life.. even people who I love. All of these things I regret.. even if I feel justified for feeling certain ways and wanting to hurt them back.. I still feel bad for the things I said.. but they werent even close to what this girl wrote.. and to her husbands mother... it was crazy.


Driving back to Tims moms I saw a double rainbow.


Now we're waiting for Tim's dad and his gf to drive back from the car auction in vegas. Nothing to do right now and its good because I need a break. Its hard enough to have a week of non stop social interaction... but its more stressful with tims family.. and even more stressful right now.. considering everything going on lately. I dont know how to act. I either feel fake or rude. I try to just remain in the moment and not think of the past or future or what might happen... I try to remind myself that I am there for Tim and that's all I need to think of right now.


Easier said than done. But I'm working on it.


At night I am too exhausted to really get anything done.


My stomach hurts grrr.


I have to go do thinggggs.


I miss my guitar. I was playing a little every day... its only been 4 days without it.



By the way... October is a cool month.. not only is it my birthday... but October 10th is also "Hug a Drummer Day". Probably ask first because drummers bite. But yeah you should totally do it... Drummers are like 3 legged hamsters.  I had a 3 legged hamster once and she was very nice and wobbled around her cage like a penguin with 1 leg... Or something. IOUs and rainchecks are accepted...


October 21st is my birthday. Well. I know what i want. A few things.. but you cant buy any of it in a store or out. Might as well be unicorns. I want a unicorn. 4 of them. Throw in a trip to Narnia and a vile of fairy dust.


There's always Christmas.



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[1849] Then You Can Start

Strange things are afoot. And stuff.


Here I am at 1:30am in Colorado. Can't sleep.


Life keeps getting put on hold. Questioned. Over-analyzed. I'm so sick of over thinking every little thing. It's just the waaaaaaaay I aaaaaammm (been listening to a lot of the song so contagious by acceptance anyways....). But that's why my trip has to happen. That's why it should have already happened. Should BEEEE happening. Waiting just gives me more time to think and question and I just wanted to stop everything and DO something I want to do. In the moment. I'm worried if i wait any longer I'll end up talking myself out of it. I have a lot of opportunities to stay with people while I'm there. Jaspar has people he knows in denmark and the netherlands. My mom knows a girl in Spain and another in Finland. Monica might still be over there but maybe not. Aruné is going to be in London but might be back in the US before I go. But i might ask her if the friend she's visiting in london would be open to letting me stay with her.. her friend also worked on an organic farm in Italy so it would be cool to hear a first hand experience and see if she could connect me with the same farm since she had such a great time. 


I was talking to tim's grandma.. the one who makes me nervous and i can never think of what to say.. and when i do say anything she squints her eyes and furrows her brow and says "i cant hear you.. can you hear her???" Uhg.. its not annoying... It's embarrassing. But anyways.. i eventually started shouting and without ever mentioning my plans... traveling randomly came up and she was telling me about all the different places she'd been. All over Europe and Asia and Australia and africa. She said if you can afford to travel.. do it because it is amazing. But it makes you appreciate the united states. I asked her what her favorite place she had been to was and she said she liked hong kong. And i think Egypt.  


Tomorrow is going to truly suck. Don't get me wrong.. i am happy tim gets to spend time with his family and i want to and everything but its so stressful and awkward. Tim's mom's side is going to get together at his grandmas.. at least 10 people. 10 people I hardly know. And know even less what to say to. I cant ever seem to get close to any of them. And i will be running on less than 5 hours of sleep probably because I cannot freaking sleep grr. Whyyyy you no go to sleep brain? I did hear talk of smothered burritos and that makes my tummys heart flutter.  My tummy holds its own heart. It's a mini heart and it sparkles. Powered by candy and powdered sugar. I'm extremely surprised i dont have diabetes. And extremely thankful. 



Speaking of things I love.. that are of the non edible persuasion.. my current mini obsessions of the week... the band acceptance and owl city. Jason Vega from acceptance and owl city's Adam Young make my heart soar. Or sore. Either is accurate. Owl city has been rotating in and out of obsessionation for years but recently he's made his way in more often than not. Adam Young is amazering by the way. I could listen to him sing, talk or breathe awkwardly in the dark for hours.

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[1841] The Silence
Listening to: Mayday Parade..


True Story..



I am going. I was hesitant. But. Its decided. Rain, snow, lions, tigers, dragons, ninjas... I don't care.


Because this is what Jeni's do on the internet when they are bored...

Drum solo.. not the best out there of this song but I am biased because the caution tape on the door reminds me of my room when I was 15 which incidently was also the year I first got my set. meeemories. Someone commented that his timing on the snare is off but i think its just the audio....  he gets points for not drowning out the vocals like most drum solos.




i feel like hitting things.... I don't know what Jaspar did with my drum sticks but I caant find them and I dont feel like going down to the garage to get more...


Better than nothing I guess. I'll keep telling myself that.


Good news today is that I fit in my pink E3 shirt again. its an extra small woot. I missed this shirt.


Going to breakfast with the family tomorrow. For my aunt Mercy and my moms birthdays. My aunt Mercy is getting really old and weak lately.. she fell a few weeks ago and now she can't live alone. I'm getting worried about her. And my grandpa. And I'm getting worried for my grandma.


I got a backpack today.


I should be sleeping.






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[1829] Desires

My favorite verse in the bible used to be that one verse that most people know simply as "trust in the Lord with all your heart and he will give you the desires of your heart." at least that's what I thought it was.


But there are so many translations. I mean one says 'Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.' Trusting and delighting are completely different. One says 'commit'. And the second part gets changed too.. sometimes it says 'he will give you the desires of your heart'.. great! But sometimes it says 'he will answer your prayers'. Another says 'he will act'. Well that's great but again completely different. so the phrase take delight in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart is nowhere even close to trust in him and he will answer your prayers. Why do they have to have so many translations? How are you supposed to know what he wants if he has alll the silly people saying whatever they want it to say or think he means? Who reeeally knows if anything is accurate? The bible is so old I'm sure its like that telephone game in school where the sentence you told to the first person sounds nothing like what the 20th person ends up hearing. Christians get so much crap because they can't even decide on what they are reading. And when they don't like it they go and make a new version... I dont know. I'm trying here.


Anyways lets just pretend its simply the first one. I guess I stopped believing it. It was hard not to. I want to try again. But if it is true (at least that version).. He's got his work cut out for him that's for sure.


People always say that he doesn't just give you what you want.. he changes you're heart. Well that just seems like a nasty trick... I mean free will and all that doesn't seem to hold any weight if you think of it like that. Seems like only people who don't trust God get to exercise their free will without any consequences.. well not immediate anyways. I guess that's the point.


At this point I don't really care. Do it. Change things. Fine. As long as this time its for good instead of a sleeping dragon.



I like dragons :[



Still. Totally get all like 'Eternal Sunshine' on my headspace, God. I'm down. Iight...  Jeni out.


*Not sure why I chose to talk like a gangster at the end... But I'm pretty sure God has his share of gangster tendencies.



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[1827] Changing Directions

So. Yesterday after my appointment i went to Walmart and micheals. I am making a huge wall map to get a better idea of my  route.. and honestly ive just always wanted to..


since I needed the car tim was going to have to get a ride home from someone because he rode to work with Bryan but Bryan was leaving after work to go to blythe for his interview tomorrow. (Which actually ended up being pushed to next week but we didnt know yet) So i was around so I told him i would just pick him up. But right after he sent the address.. my phone dies. Grrr. Luckily i used to work by a street over there.. it's been 7 years but I found it. So i get there and I have no idea where to go. I park and see 2 dudes. I'm about to get out of the car and ask one of them if they know where tim is and then i see jasper. So i followed him in and tim walks out. But then he takes me back in to see jess, one of the supervisors. I met him when tim first started and he said he is always asking about me. He's funny. I met his other supervisors too. It was weird. Jess said this thing he always says.. "when are you going to dump this guy?" A thing to say right now. I think i just laughed. 


Things with tim's work are crazy. He went in this morning to tell them he would accept compton ETR.  But they told him the class just filled so he has to wait for the next one in a few weeks.. which is kind of good because now it's not like he is locked into this decision. He has until the next class starts to decide now.  He said a few more jobs are closing and he's like numbers 3 or 4 or something so he might close on something else or better before he has to decide. But after talking about it.. which I think is kind of pointless.. it has nothing to do with me.. but he wanted my opinion. I was against compton completely but he said it's not as bad an area as people think and we wouldn't have to live there. The thing that changed my mind was that all his supervisors love him and they were all telling him it's a great base because it's a headquarters and he'll be seen more and tim said ETRs in compton make more than other bases because of all the work. So unless he gets like valencia or simi valley i think he should stick with that base. He agrees but idk. I don't think i should be a part of major decisions right now. He doesn't agree with that. Idk why all of a sudden my opinions actually matter. Not that they didn't before but.. not really. Not where it counts. I would argue my opinion to a point but at the end of the day tim is my husband and as a wife i would trust his decision. It sounds worse than it is. I mean when only 1 decision can be made someone has to make it. And he's supposed to be the leader. Of course i want to be heard though. I haven't felt heard in a long time. Being a wife is humbling. It's hard not reeally being heard. And now it's like all he wants is my opinion. I think it's just because of everything going on. If i wasn't leaving would he care? Does that even matter anymore? 


On a lighter note... I fit in my super skinny jeans. They're a little tight but.. these aren't just my skinny jeans... no sir..  these are jeans i bought when i was like 18 and refused to get rid of. It's fantastic. This whole losing weight thing started from stress and stress alone. I lost about 5 pounds from stress at the beginning of the month. Then another 5 from no appetite. And then I was like.. i wonder what would happen if i worked out and when that happens it just falls off like nothing. I haven't worked out in a few days because ive been getting sick this week and now im in the middle of being sick.. idk what it is my body is weak and achy.. i have a headache and my throat is on fire. It hurts to swallow and breath. But I was working out everyday before this and i felt better and it happened fast. In a month with really light exercise started half way through i went from 125 to 112. i dont know why i was so reluctant to work out before. It's easy to do a little every day


About my trip.. after many talks with bryan things changed a bit. Instead of starting on the west in Spain and going east i decided it'd be better to start in the east and go west. The north east.  Like in Denmark because it's already going to be getting cold and I don't want it to be freezing when i go to the crooked forest :) i cannot wait to sit on a j shaped tree and read a book or take a nap. And pictures of course. There is a castle hostel in Germany i want to stay at.. it's only 17 euro a night which isn't too bad. I want to go to Stonehedge and sit on the lay lines.  I want to go to the waterfalls in Croatia.  I want to get a waffle from belgium hehe. I want to go to the largest waterpark in the world in Germany. Germany has a lot of cool stuff like castles but what i really want to do is tree camping. Theres a too much to write everything i want to do.. thats why I'll be gone so long. I kind of wanted to go to Sweden too because my grandpa is from there and i thought it'd be cool to bring him back something. I should see him before I go. I don't know how long I'll be gone. At least a month. But probably closer to 2. I haven't purchased a ticket yet. I need to do that soon. Like tomorrow soon. I haven't only because of the possibility of moving.  But tim insists he can handle it. I don't think he realizes. He didn't see me pack for weeks while he was at work. I dont think he gets how much freaking stuff we have... he just saw boxes organized and ready to go. It's not just putting stuff in boxes. But i guess if I'm not there to unpack i shouldn't care. I guess moving isn't exactly the worst thing at this time.. i mean.. if things change all my stuff will already be in boxes. Er. I don't like thinking about that because it's uncomfortable and i feel like crap for it but.. well i wont get into all that.


I miss Jefri. Stupid stuff always reminds me of him. Even going to the store i see the parsley for really cheap and think i need to get it and then i realize i dont. The other day we ordered pizza and the pizza guy saw this square of padding i was saving to make sone thing for jefri's cage and he asked if he could have it and without thinking i said no but then i realized I didn't need it anymore so tim ran out and gave it to him. Idk. It was 10 years of my life. Things changed over night.. 3 times this month. All 3 things are enough to make me want to run away on their own.. but its everything at once.  And it's more than that. But the change all at once is a huge part of it. Not just tasks but mindsets about things. Not just jefri. The other things have an ever deeper impact. But i can ignore them mostly because I'm not constantly being reminded somehow. Idk. 


I fell asleep on the couch last night and went to bed early. It's 6am now. I think I'll make my map today. Buy a ticket by the end of this week. I need to get a backpack. Bryan has some but idk if they'll work. I'm excited. But scared. But mostly excited. 

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[1826] Damaged Need Not Apply

Oops. I didn't realize i didn't finish my last entry. I guess it sounds like something bad happened. I wrote an entry but it didn't save and that sentence was the only part that did. Weird. But everything is ok. Well no one is hurt or dead physically. Anyways..



Things are so weird.


Haven't written in a while because everything is personal or annoying but i dont really care at the moment. 


So last night around 9:30 pm Bryan needed us to drive him to the ER.. nothing crazy just needed a doctor and they were all closed. I had just woken up from a nap so i wasnt tired at all and when we got back we ate food and i was super wake. Tim was exhausted and went to sleep but Bryan and I stayed up playing black ops and talking all night and morning. We sometimes do that anyways but this was the longest for sure. He eventually tried going to bed around 10 am haha but he has an interview on Thursday and said he couldn't fall asleep because he kept thinking of things he needed to do to prepare.  I get that.. i never sleep before a big day and I always look like crap on the most important days because if it.  It sucks. 


We had some crazy conversations.  He's gone through insane things. Like.. completely crazy insane. Like lifetime movie stuff.  Hate that channel. You'd never know it. But man.. and i don't know.. he was just telling me about all of it. And a lot of things were coming up. It's sort of awkward when someone is sharing soo much personal information with you.. it almost makes you, or at least it makes me, feel obligated to share too. Usually. In the past I have felt that urge to reciprocate information about myself that is as or more.personal to idk make the person feel more comfortable?  But it has never been a good idea. It's always backfired in some way. Always. And i seem to never learn. Mostly because in the moment I completely forget and just go with how i feel. And i always feel wide open. But regardless of that wide open feeling I decided not to engage. I was simply a listening ear. But it felt weird not to share anything. We talked a looooong time and eventually i did share some stuff. Not really... usually i flat out say things. This time.. i just implied things. Bryan is smart I'm sure he could figure it out.. maybe not the 2nd thing but definitely the 1st. But most of the conversation was about how he decided to make an application kind of ironically for future girlfriends. Which sounds like something a misogynistic jerk would do but after what he's been  through i would be surprised if he didn't consider doing it. The whole conversation started because he was telling me about it. Saying he would never actually have anyone fill it out or anything but just for his own benefit to see what he's looking for.  I mean he made the point that that's basically what people are doing when they first meet and date anyways but this way it's just all condensed into one form. Some of the stuff was interesting but some was so crazy. It made me feel crappy about myself for some reason. Idk he was saying how he came from a divorced home.. as most do.. and it made him terrified of divorce and super determined to avoid ever getting a divorce. Idk a weird topic right now for me but anyways.. he said he wouldn't want a girl who had been divorced for sure but also not even a girl who came from a divorced home!  What? That's like.. that's almost everyone. But because people from divorced families are more likely to get divorced themseleves. I guess statistically that is true but still. He said a lot of things were deal breakers for him and a  lot of the things were things I did or had done or about me in some way and it just made me feel so crappy. Not that i want to be with him but maybe that this is just generally how guys think and when you break it down and shine a light on it.. i'm not desirable. Not at all. In any way. Not according to this very well thought out application. To weed out the damaged and crazies and avoid divorce. According to him I'm incredibly damaged.  I just kept listening though.  There was so much we.. well mostly he.. talked about .. like how the most important thing to him was that she was a christian. And at one point he asked me if that should be the most important thing because one of his gfs had been a Christian and she hurt him the most. I said I'm not the person to ask right now because I'm confused. . I guess he thought i meant confused about tim (which is accurate) but i really meant confused about God. And he said something like.. "tim's a good guy" and i was like oh.. i meant god.. but it felt sort of nice for a split second for someone else to know about my confusion with tim and marriage and everything. But i "corrected" him and the conversation moved on. I told him for him it definitely should be important based solely on what he wants. But that just because a girl is Christian doesn't mean she will be exempt from making mistakes.. In fact in a conversation we had earlier this week about christians and temptation i think h knows that it might mean she is tested more than non christians because shes a target. I wont gwt into that but it made sense and i think he should keep it in mind. I said based on what he  wants i think he's been looking in the wrong places nd he should try to find a girl at chuch.  Church is the worst. For so many reasons.  But I was trying to be objective. We talked a lot about divorce. Well he did. The conversation made me extremely uncomfortable and i was glad when it was my turn to play because i had an excuse not to look at him at all. I just felt weird. Guilty. He was just going on about divorce and his view on it and what the Bible says about it and at one point I literally felt like at any moment i was just going to scream entirely due to how uncomfortable i was. It's not a conversation I want to have with anyone right now.. even if for the brief a second before I corrected him it did feel so relieving to have someone else know that things aren't as perfect as they seem.. I am falling asleep I'll finish this later...... 


It's later. Maybe i should just press through when i am tired because i come back and its hard to remember what i wanted to say or even what was said. I guess the whole thing just made me feel bad about myself. Because apparently I am incredibly damaged. Other things he said were that he didn't want a girl who had been raped. Because he knows it ruins your life and can cause problems. Geez. It was around this  point he made it clear that the application was really insensitive and hed never actually have anyone fill it out. Yeah. He might get slapped if he did. He also said that he wanted a girl that was honest but how do you know if she is honest? What are the signs that she isnt? I felt like he was actually asking me. Like i had some sort of secret super powers or just knew simply because i have a vagina. I don't know. The only thing I know for sure lately is that i know absolutely nothing at all. The more I think i know or try to figure out the more apparent is the realization that i pretty much know nothing and will continue to know less and less.


I wanted to say.. so what if she is honest? Being honest is good but it doesn't mean she won't make mistakes either. I've made so many and I've never been able to keep them to myself. Sometimes I've tried but it doesn't work. Whether it is during or eventually, the truth always finds a way out of me. Sometimes i get it myself or welcome it and sometimes it's like it has a mind of its own and pries itself out of me. It doesn't seem like truth matters. People want perfect. Perfect doesn't exist. At the risk of toppling over the side of the fence I've been sitting on.. Isn't that the point? That people are so inherently evil at heart and that is why Jesus died for us.. so we could be forgiven? I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand I want to say yes.. Jesus died for my sins and i can ask forgiveness and be forgiven. On the other hand I don't think grace works past a certain point... or shouldnt.. if i make mistake after mistake knowing it is wrong and then ask for forgiveness... it doesn't seem like it should matter. I shouldn't be able to knowingly do something and then just ask to be forgiven and thats that. That's probably why I stopped praying and even asking for it. I feel ashamed and like a fraud for even considering asking. I might feel better in the moment but will it stop me from making more mistakes or even the same mistake i just asked forgiveness for? Probably not. I'm not making mistake after mistake over here.  I'm really only thinking of 1 thing and I don't even see it as a mistake and thats probably my first mistake. Idk. I have no idea about all this anymore. I didn't say any of this to him.. This was just my internal dialog.


I know guys like to have these sort of talks with girls because girls tend to be more insightful and have good advice and everything.  But he's asking the wrong girl for advice on life and anything of importance. Even when things aren't screwed up I'm not great at advice. I used to think i was okay and I probably could be but it feels impossible to give adequate advice to anyone unless you are that person or know absolutely everything and who ever knows everything about another person? Thats a whole other entry. Maybe I'm just bitter about the last pieces of advice i was given. Intentions were good but the advice was so empty. Might as well have opened a fortune cookie or asked a 5 year old. Although I've met some pretty insightful 5 year olds so who knows.



I didn't want to think about anything until i was on my trip. I was hoping. But it's been a month since what happened happened and since ive wanted to go. It's impossible not to think a little bit. It's easier with a roommate. There is usually always someone around. And a reason to put on the jeni act. You know.. happu bubbly jeni that lives on the surface.. the sort of person youd never expect to have any problems. I dont mean to but i dont know how else to be around people without divulging my life story and that isnt happening.. it does feel fake though amd i hate fake people. I guess for now i just have to hate myself. I wanted to continue to just pretend things are normal and fine until i left but it didn't work out. Because it's just pretending. Even if tim has been amazing.  It doesn't erase problems. It helps but not enough.  As the month goes by i think more and more. Things I was hoping to figure out removed from the situation not in the middle of it. Uhg. It's coming soon but not soon enough. At the same time I'm completely terrified. Of going. Of being on my own. Of people. New places. But it's happening. I convinced tim so much that this is a good idea that now that I'm having doubts he is pushing me to go. He says it's okay that i feel this way but that these are the exact reasons why I have to go. That this was the whole point. Yeah. But. Still. Maybe safe is better. Maybe figuring out what i want will only ruin safe... and I'll get exactly what I want and be unsafe amd everything will be uncertain and chaotic.. maybe I've just been crazy. Maybe i am happy.. or that is just fear of the unknown talking.  Why doesn't writing help anymore? I used to write and figure stuff out along the way .. it was like gold mining and after I would feel so amazing for all my new discoveries. Now it feels more like I'm trying to find. needle in a haystack. 


I should go be productive. I have a lot to do. Too much. Get that card. Practice guitar.. my 3 fingers are so hard and callused it's awesome.. drums? I should but after clearing out the truck (which we sold last week) there's more boxes now and harder to get to my drums. Or the treadmill and all i want to do is run since that conversation Sunday night.


Tim just called and we found out last week that he was #1 for ETR in compton. Compton... blah. He was #2 for Crenshaw and hollywood. We've been waiting for simi valley or valencia or something closer.. now he's saying he must have canceled Hollywood because they're saying he isnt anything. What? I dony get it. He said they wanted an answer about compton today. I told him to make the decision because h already knows my opinion. I don't want it and I think he should wait it out. But he's saying they are telling everyone that jobs will be opening up less and less and to take anything. That's what he said a month ago and I said wait and then Hollywood opened.  And if he hadnt canceled.. i still dont get why he canceled.. but if he hadnt.. he would be picking that today. There wouldn't be a problem. And when he was #20 or 30 for jobs he was freaking out and i said give it a week and the next week he was #3 or 4. I was right again.  But i cant make this decision. He's saying he doesn't want to put me in a position I don't want to be in.. but i already have for the last 2 years. I said i cant make a decision and have it turn out that no jobs open again and he is stuck in AMI forever while all these other guys move on. No. It has to be his decision. If he does pick compton though.. it might mean no trip. Actually it definitely would mean no trip. Because it starts the 8th. I did all the packing every time we moved before. It takes at least a week or 2. And i was frwaking out about everything i needed to do for my trip.. cant do both in 2 weeks its not possible. This couldn't have come at a worse time.

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[1825] /Dies

Still in the ER.

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[1824] Acceptance

Most of my entries lately have been private because instead of introspective I just feel self-absorbed.


Brian moves in Saturday. 2 days. Weird. I've been so busy getting ready for it I haven't had a moment to really think of how it will change things. First of all.. I'm going to have to start wearing pants on a regular basis. and a bra. meh. Other than that I don't see it being a problem. I'm looking forward to it. We're going up Friday to help him move and stopping by my grandparents house for dinner. I haven't seen grandpa in a long time. Jaspar moved his stuff down to the place he's staying last weekend and we hung out with him after. I guess Brian, Jerry and Jaspar were talking to some guy at work and he was asking Brian if he thought it would be weird living with a couple.. I guess the guy asked something that implied that chicks were high maintenance or always wanted to have their privacy or Idk stuff like that. Jaspar said Jerry immediately said "no way. Jeni isn't like that." and then jaspar agreed. Its nice to have friends that stand up for me and not cut me down behind my back. They've all been really cool to me. Things are going to change a lot now that they're moving here. Actually have people to talk to. Even if it is just joking around. I miss being around friends.


This last year and a half has been so crazy. Everything is constantly changing. For better or worse but never ending.  There have actually been a lot of positive things happening lately. A lot to be thankful for. One imparticular. But instead of being excited and hopeful I feel mostly like.. that feeling you get when you're falling backwards.


I know that feeling is only because about a month ago I realized something I tried to block out. It was shoved right in my face and there was nothing to do but deal with it. It was intense. You think of these things and they sound like fairytales and horror stories and you don't think to prepare yourself because you live in the real world. That's actually how it usually is for me.. I never consider that I will ever be put into any sort of situation ever and then I'm there and I'm like.. oh crap.. if only I prepared for this. I had tried justifying it this whole time and believed myself. Blamed myself. And then I realized I was just lying to myself. Because i didn't want it to be true. But it is true. And even though it happened over 6 years ago.. I've been having to deal with it for the first time. I don't like thinking about it but that's all I've been able to do since the beginning of this month. All sorts of things came up. The last few weeks it comes in and out of my head at random times. causing chaos like a bull in a china shop. Luckily I've been so busy most of this week I haven't had much time to think of anything but getting stuff ready for Brian to move in. But the first second I sit to rest there it is again. And it sucks.. thinking that that is a part of my history. And I can't change it. And I just have to accept it. I had a particularly rough time thinking about it recently. Then last night I was trying to stay busy and organizing and packing some boxes.. I put How I met your mother on in the background because I've seen every episode a million times and didn't want to get distracted from what I was doing. And in one episode they were talking and something came up and (I'm being vague on purpose) and it triggered the thoughts. But then they said something.. and it made me reevaulate things.. it didn't change what had happened but it changed a part of what made it so terrible. A big part. Not the situation but some of my feelings about it. Because of something else that had happened a couple years before this thing happened. And it doesn't make it okay but it makes it a little less idk. Its a gray area but I'm making an executive decision to lean towards the positive side. So that I can happily accept that part of the past even if I can't accept the other. Yeah.. all that because of some conversation on a silly sitcom. I can't explain without saying everything and I don't feel like getting into it. I used to write about everything on here. From what I had for lunch to the most personal things I would never think to tell people in real life. Nothing was too personal. I guess lately some things are. Being vague is good enough for now.


I've been having to accept a lot of things lately. This months theme seems to be accepting things you can't control. Some things have been harder than others. I don't understand how its so easy for some people. Probably because they're robots or somethinggggg.





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[1822] Trust

WHAT a freaking day.  It's only 8 am but the last 12 hours have been ridiculous... 


The last week or so.. i couldn't find my sewing machine and against my better judgment thought i would just ask her.. it's no big deal. But that's how it always starts right. No but she was being nice and I thought.. texting doesn't suck. And then grandmas brother died and she texted me info about that and also that grandma wanted to give me a brand sewing machine she never opened but had for 10 years silly grandma. But then i found mine. And she asked if she could have one of mine cuz I have 2 but i cant figure out how to work either of them.so I said ok. I like grandmas because it came with an instruction manual. Anyways we texted back and forth asking for stuff like i asked if she was using jefri's corner litter box and the sliding door we gave her and she said no and she asked if we had a laptop charger and some questions about Dropbox and i thought.. i can do this. I'm not going over for family dinners but i can have a relationship like this where we just help each other out when we need to. When i went to pick up the stuff and drop off the sewing machine it was ok. It was awkward because we haven't seen each other for 6 months and only texted and most weren't friendly. But it was good to see her and tell her things. I told myself I wouldn't tell her anything personal but I'm stupid you see.. i dont know what is wrong with me but it's like she has "tell me all your secrets" written on her forehead. Not secrets but just things most people don't know.  Personal things happening right now. And it felt good to tell her because I have no one to talk to about them. Tim yeah but we talk about these things so much were kinda talked out. We just know. Idk. It was all going fine... The whole visit pretty much. A new record probably. That is until the very end when we were walking to the car and tim got in and then my mom asked to talk to me real fast. So we stood in front of the house on the sidewalk and she apologized for something. And idk thinking about it sort of annoys me because in admitting this one thing she pretty much denied another. Idk it's complicated but that's not why it went bad. 


I should really stop leaving entries unfinished. Anyways. It went bad because I forget how but jason came up and pretty much everything she said after that made me mad. One I'm particular thing being "I trust them". Great. It's so annoying that she can have so much faith in him STILL when he is a liar and a fake and have so little trust in me.. when i tell her everytbing even when we dont talk for months abd only see her 1 day. I tell her things she has no right to know and things i could easily just not bring up. I dont lie to her. I have but i suck at it and i eventually come clean. Everyone lies but  some people are just habitual liars. Im not. Jason is. And she has trusted him over me since i was a kid. When people like Victoria would stand up for me she'd just tell then  what they wanted to hear but it never changed. Even when i recejtly told her things about him that prove he is and what kind of person he actually is. I don't care about keeping these things to myself anymore since we have absolutely no desire to reconcile with him. She just brushed it off. I I'm not getting into. I just think she's a hypocrite and just plain mean. We didn't fight there though. It left fine because i was angry but i didn't want to just react in anger without figuring out why I was angry first. So we talked the next day.. if you can call it that. She never answers any of my questions or replies to what I say. She only talks ABOUT talking. It's wweird. And its pointless. I don't know why i continue to let myself hope for the best in these situations

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[1819] Banana in the Dark

I feel like everything I have to say lately can only be said in a private entry. Or I'd just rather not say it to anyone but myself... There's so much going on that's affected by this one thing. And so I usually just don't say anything. Except lame stuff that doesnt matter. Like this...!!


I went to lunch with my grandma on Friday last week. It was cool.. she wanted to come see me.. didn't really seem like she had any other reason.. Well I guess I later found out she had to return something at Target and would have had to drive to lancaster anyways but it was an extra 15 minutes out of her way to meet me half way.. so that's nice. Not that I like making my grandma go out of her way.. that came out wrong. But she has always gone down to see my uncle or go to all sorts of things driving hours and a few times now she was a couple blocks away and I said we could meet and she said she wanted to go home. So it was just nice that for once she came down specifically for me.. kinda. I asked about her brothers funeral but we didn't really talk about it much. I don't know if she wanted to. I never know if people want to continue a topic or if they are uncomfortable. So I usually just let them take charge when its about them but they usually just turn it back on me and I end up talking about myself too much. And then I realize I am talking about myself and try to talk about them but they say 1 short thing and its back to me.. and I get so carried away with what I'm saying.. I'm not trying to be annoying. I just forget. Its not just my grandma its almost everyone. Its not their fault. Maybe they just think I love talking about myself. I don't really. Its just easy. Especially when the above situation happens and I don't know what else to do but answer your questions. And it doesn't help when people seem so interested. But I'm not all that interesting so I know they are just being polite. Maybe I think about these things too much. I guess all I'm really saying is that I suck at conversation.. even with my own grandmother.


Anyways, I couldn't find my sewing machine that works so she said she would give me hers. Then I found it but she gave it to me anyways. I might give it to x1. I think its pretty much the same as the one I have only brand new. I just don't really want to see her. We had been texting because i asked her if she could look in the garage for my sewing machine when she had a chance and then because my grandmas brother died and then she said stupid stuff that was unnecessary.. she was just pressing my buttons on purpose because its her favorite. and i just wanted to punch her so hard in the face. i wont even get into how annoying it is that she just picks what she wants to respond to. uhg. she's the one that brought it up. cant stand it. but then on another day she asked about jefri and i told her and she asked for help with her phone and stuff and i helped. I'm not a jerk. But I'm not looking to text all the time and have her think things are ok. Honestly after what she said I have no idea why i even responded to her after that. Tim was even surprised. I dont know. Maaaaaybe I was just in a good mood. Maybe I just didn't feel like arguing. Maybe I blacked out.


Its 3:30am.. later today I'm going to a focus group for entertainment and media stuff. I really dont want to go. But it pays $100 for an hour and a half so it'd be stupid for me not to. I've just been so tired. And my back is STILL hurting. Not like severe every day like last month but a lot and most days. And on the other days it hurts a little. It never just doesn't hurt at all.. that would be fantastic but its a jerk and wants to make me miserable. But things might be changing for the better in that department really soon. Hopefully.


Last weekend we decided to organize the garage and clear up some space for brian. Good thing we started last weekend instead of next.. we had to put it on hold because apparently the extra laminate flooring we were storing at the back of the garage got moldy. I wanted to put it on the table but (not to point fingers) Tim said it would be fine on the floor since the road was sloped.. but it looks like the water came in somehow from behind.. I dont know but the floor got wet and the flooring was ruined. At least a good amount of it. Hopefully we wont need it but it was nice knowing we had it just in case. I'm not saying its Tim's fault.. idk how to explain the situation without making it sound like I am but I'm really not.. although I do think this should be a lesson to all that we should take my "parinoia" a little more seriously.. sometimes I has gooder ideas.


Sort of sad we have to move the drums downstairs. Tim learned wonderwall. We were going to play it together like we planned for our anniversary last year and never did because we suck. But we've been playing more. And now we wont. poop.


I'm getting so sick of our neighbors. They are constantly slamming doors and screaming and stompping up and down their stairs. And then one of the girls must be dating a cop or something and he parks under our window and they talk really loud and his car is running and its like 3 in the morning.. its loud. Isn't he supposed to be idk.. working? grrr. Last night at 10 - 11 like 5 kids were running up and down their steps which are connected to ours and Idk why but they were screaming and laughing their bloody heads off. their heads were not actually bloody.. that would at least make sense. When did kids just start screaming for fun?? Is it a hispanic thing? I'm hispanic and that isnt how I played.. if I screamed like that and wasn't being raped murdered or burned my mother would spank me. But for some reason ALL the hispanic children in this neighborhood love to scream and yell and run and that's it. That is all they do. And not at the playground which is literally 10 feet away but in the street adjacent to the playground where you constantly have to dodge them because they pop out at you from nowhere. And then idk if its the same girl or a different one but she was super drunk and hysterical tonight and screaming in the street and cussing at people. We were trying to have a conversation in the bedroom and I couldnt even think with her shrieking like shes on fire. I guess someone finally called the cops but man. I mean there are fights that get out of hand.. I've taken part in a bunch... and then there is that.. just screaching and shouting profanity. So yeah. Neighbors. They're awesome.


rant rant rant.. I feel so ranty lately. rants.. in my pants. idk. I'm bored.


Tim's coworker told him I should apply at [insert the name of the airline here cuz i forget which one it was right now] because they are hiring flight attendants. I used to really want to be a flight attendant. I looked into it a lot years ago but most places had crazy requirements that I didn't mean and all wanted you to be tall or at least taller than me and it was implied that you should be skinny. I am short. But Tim said that was years ago and this is a lesser known airline and to just try it. So I am going to but I think training is in washington for like 6 weeks.. unpaid. meh. 


We've been on this new natural health kick lately.. well slowly getting into it.. Mostly just eating better. But now we want to like not use any chemically things ever. Not just because they're bad and some things cause cancer.. because everything does.. just because its unnecessary to add all these chemicals to cleaners and everyday products when natural ones not only cost less but do the same or a better job. Plus I haver super sensitive skin. Yesterday I made homemade natural laundry detergent. And the laundry came out pretty much the same. I am going to make these other things called laundry bombs that are laundry detergent and fabric softener in one. Because you know.. what the heck else am I supposed to do with my time? Anyways... next I want to make natural toothpaste and other toiletries like shampoo and deodorant and face wash.


I should be sleepingggg.



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[1816] What's This?

At Goodwill I found the cutest sweater.. it is light blue with light (sky) green and cream dots and light green on the bottom (grass) and there are a line of vintage looking circus animals! It has sleeves that go to the elbows and the ends are green. Not only was it the cutest it was also the softest. Its 100% cashmere woot. It was perfect.. except... 4 tiny holes! :( But for $2.79... I decided to get it and try to fix them because if I could I'd have a new favorite sweater and if I couldn't I would make a pillow or put the animals in picture frames. I looked up the sweater online and new is $299!! On sale for $250...  I think I made the right choice. :) And for my first time darning a sweater I think I did pretty good.. you cant really see where the holes are unless you're looking for them. ... and now I cant stop thinking of this scene from seinfeld...




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[1815] 6th

It was our 6th anniversary this weekend. Well on Thursday. Some people seem to think July 3rd is a weird anniversary day. Because of July 4th.. I guess if we were the types to have to go out and do a bunch of lame stuff we'd be bitter that nothing is open and there are people everywhere. But we usually like staying in anyways. I made homemade manicotti.. its Tims favorite meal. Homemade shells too. Which sounded a lot harder than it was. in fact its kinda lame how easy manicotti shells are. I also made garlic bread and a greek salad with homemade vinegrette. The manicotti turned out pretty good. For the 6th anniversary the traditional gift themes are candy and iron and modern is wood. So I made homemade reeses peanut butter cups (Tim's favorite candy). His other favorite is sweedish fish but those things are so bad for you and we've been eating healthy. So I made healthy gelatin sour watermelon gummies. They were okay.. I thought they would be better.. didn't care much for them myself but Tim actually liked them a lot.. I made them for the week and he ate them in a day and a half.  I made some iron and wood decorations. I didn't finish my wood gift.. it took longer than I thought it would. but i am making him a wooden ring which he thought was cool. Its  weird because for his present he got me an iron elephant ring holder because I'm always losing my ring. And I like elephants. We went to rocket fizz on Friday and got sodas and candy. We were going to go to the beach on Saturday but we stayed home and watched Workaholics instead. I cant find my bathing suit anyways. Maybe I will by next weekend. Although I dunno if I want to get in the ocean right now with all the shark attacks... ok 1 shark attack but still.


Lego movie was cute. And now I want to marry a marshmallow.


Today we learned Lodi by Creedence Clearwater revival.. Tim played guitar I sang. Next up wonderwall. Tim says its too hard. Psh. Oh OH and I am learning Game of Thrones theme song.. its UH-mazing. And super hard but not as hard as i thought it would be but still super incredibly hard hard.. but Idon't care. I will NOT rest until I can play it with my eyes shut and my hands tied behind my back. Or at least one out of the two. I was also learning Say Something and All Of Me. And just started learning Wonderwall. By the way.. my fingies hurt :[ It was so cute.. Jefri liked sitting near Tim while he played. He usually finds a comfy spot by Tim when Tim's around. Otherwise he'll sit by my feet or in his corner by the tv... but if its an option to sit by tim that's where he'll be.


Jefri is still making noises. He sleeps a lot but he seems fine. I got the name of another vet from my x1... idk how good they are with rabbits but they spray and nueter them so maybe they will be ok. The last 2 vets we've gone to just want all our money.. not some... ALL. So they can suck it. Plus the last  one said she replies to emails and ask questions if I have them... its been a week and no reply from my email of questions we had regarding what  possible tests we should have done and what they will tell us and how much everything costs. They never like telling you how much things cost when you are outside the office.. they love pressuring and guilting you into it while you are there and feel like if you dont you are a bad person or your pet will die. Every time. I started a fundraiser for Jefri on PetCaring.com/Jefri. We've raised $100 so far.. but his head xrays are going to cost at least $300. :/


The Visalia warehouse officially moves to Valencia on August 4th. Tim and his carpool buddies are also going to the valencia that day. I know its 4 weeks away but I am stressing out trying to get the place ready for Brian to move in. This place just feels smaller and smaller. We have way too much stuff. Going to try and sell/get rid of more stuff this week.



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[1811] Wabbits

Don't read unless you want to hear me rant about things you dont care about...

The only difference between rabbit vets and myself is that they can use machines and write perscriptions and I cannot. Its so inferiorating being talked to like a child about basic bunny facts and trying not to sounds rude when suggesting I already knew. Most of the time I do sound rude when I try to tell people that I already know something so I now keep my mouth shut but that is way way worse bedcause then they just think I am a brainless noob that needs everything explained to her 5 MILLION times. When this alll started.. what did  I do? Researched. researched for days.. weeks. And I diagnosed Jefri with arthritis  or possibly spondylosis. And possible pastuerella. only because on a bunny forum they sugested i look into it. but i was mostly concerned about the arthritis. I even knew what medications I needed and how much. If I knew how smart I am.. because dammit I am realizing just how freaking smart I am and keep wondering why the heck certain professionals are getting paid big bucks for something I figured out in 2 days. Anyways though... If I had known the circus I was getting into I would have just went to a crappy low costing vet and asked for the medication i needed and told them to shove the rest. or not.. in case i needed to go back for more.. Instead though... I  am forced to pick a rabbit vet and no not just any rabbit vet but a good rabbit vet... but being labeled a good rabbit vet means nothing but this: you are just better at guessing and charge more. and being better at guessing is great.. for owners who suck at guessing and research and life in general.. but I already knew. So i went to a vet in glendale. and she was horrible. and only nice to tim even though we said the same things. she brought up putting him to sleep on our first visit. she charged nearly 50% more than online for medications and got all weird when I said I wanted to buy onine. she thought.. no she KNEW.. it was either pastuerella or e cuniculi and turned her nose up at my notes I brought in about arthritis. And my suggestion of giving him glucosamine in addition to pain medication (meloxicam). She wanted to do a bunch of tests.. one that she herself said was completely pointless 5 minutes earlier because almost all bunnies have pastuerella but only some show symptoms. so a positive meant nothing. She was just plain terrible. She wasnt even who we wanted to see originally. But that doctor wasnt available and we wanted to go in before the weekend.So months later he's gone up and down from really really good to pretty bad to falling over and not being able to get up. I upped his dosage of meloxicam.. she had him on .3 for ever and it literally did nothing. i asked if that was a typical dosage or low? She got offended and yelled at me.. yeah.. yelled at me. jerk. and then a week later she calls Tim like nothing happened and says to increase to .6. urg. So that was ok... but 2 weeks ago it wasnt cutting it. so i upped it to .8. I heard that some rabbits just need more and there wasnt any literature on adverse side effects on that dosage. I also started giving him oxbow joint supplements that contain glucosamine. and i give him about 1/4 of an actual glucosamine with chondroitin and msm pill... in case he absorbs one better than the other or one is in effective and if they are both effective thats fine since there is also no literature on adverse side effects or overdose. And what do you know? He's hopping around like a freaking super rabbit. ok not quite. but he doesnt fall over.. and if he does he can get up on his own. he doesnt lean as much. and his hops are full strong hops.. no dragging or shuffling or stepping. But he started having new symptoms.. a bunch of creepy sounds I never heard before.  so i contacted someone who suggested another vet. so i took him. and of course she says it is not pastuerella or e cuniculi..  just looking at him without pushing tests on me. but because of his weakness in his legs it is hard to tell where it is coming from.. legs themselves or back. and since he had all those creepy sounds she wanted to do x rays which would help figure out both issues. And the sounds could indicate a heart condition... which i knew before i got there that it was either a heart thing or pnemonia and incase it was a heart thing is why i decided to go in otherwise i would have just ordered more baytril through the first vet. The results were that he does not have a heart problem and it is probably pnemonia. And his arthritis is.. in his back! just like i thought when it first happened before i ever called a freaking vet. he also has fur mites. although this second vet was obviously better... her receptionist is annoying the hell out of me. Besides the fact that she had never seen a rex rabbit and she works at an exotics vet office... She wouldnt stop asking me to set up a follow up appointment.. i said ok and she said its $60! the exam was $75... most follow up appointments at other vets are freeeeee. or some ridiculously low price like $10-$20.. not almost the same as the first.. i said i couldnt commit to it right now and hopefully the medication works. until then i dont know. plus its in pasadena... i have been having chronic back pain... driving with a rabbit for an hour in traffic is the last thing i want to do.. especially for a follow up. bleh. and she emails me this morning asking the same thing... dude. i told you. i have a feeling i will be hearing from her every day until i actually schedule one. which i wont be. i will just research what i can do for pnemonia in addition to the medication. i freaking hate vets. if i knew all this when i first got jefri i might have looked into becoming a rabbit vet just to avoid having to go to one. Ok I'm done...


I've been feeling similarly to doctors.


Since I am here... might as well post lots and lots of pics of Jefriii


When he was young...

young jefri

Us. When he was about 4 - 5 years old

me and jefri

Friends..? Recent.. he's almost 10 now.


Choli - "I'll have what he's having.."

jefri and choli



He's wearing a diaper in this one but cant see it cuz he's just too furry :)





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[1809] What's the Dinosaur For?

The living room wall is so big and empty.. I think I want to blow this up and stick it over the couch...


ferris bueller art museum

It's perfect.


Tim was on the news! On Friday they did a short segment on what the gas company is doing and what happens if you dont want their new digital meters. So they followed tim around and filmed him doing a couple meter changes. It was pretty cool. They love him at work. It makes a lot of sense they would pick him to sort of represent the guys that work there. He's been doing so great... i found out this weekend that he even has positie interims (write ups in his file) whereas some guys have negative. even really good ones.. i guess you get them if you get too many errors in a month or something like that. he is also on the safety committee now. He's going to a conference on tuesday. I love how much he enjoys work now. I've said it so many times but it makes ahuge difference in his overall mood for the day.. when he worked as a mechanic he seemed so miserable and always complaining about something or someone.. and there are days and people he doesnt like but nothing compared to how it was. i hopewhen he transfers to his next job he'll be just as happy.


Orange is the new black had 13 new episodes yay! we love that show. Netflix needs to do this more often. So much better than watching week to week.


GoT pissed me off last Sunday. I told tim as soon as it ended.. it just does not make any sense that a trained fighter that is like one of the best fighters in the realm or whatever would be stupid enough to let that happen. I'm not an experienced fighter but I would not put my ankle anywhere near a DYING NOT DEAD giant man. Obviously he is extremely strong.. even while dying he would obviously have enough strength to hurt you. And yet... there he is dancing around his hands like an idiot. I agree with Jerry. poor writing.. he wouldn't just lose focus like that. he had been seeking revenge for years. thinking of nothing else. it doesnt make sense that he would suddenly be so careless. yes he got cocky.. but thats careless and he was not a careless character. uhg its annyoing. and if they kill Tyrian I am just done with the show completely. And by the way people who have read the books have been talking - because no one can bloody keep a secret - it sounds like he will. They didn't even show him in this last episode.


So we went up to Visalia this weekend. They completed their 1 year mark at the gas company. We went up Friday and stayed until like 1am on saturday. we talked the whole way up. it takes like 3 hours to get there.we stayed at brians in his roommates room. his roommate also works with them. he's so weird. i hvent met him but idk.. he had a goats leg on his desk. like some people have rabbits feet for good luck (jerks) and he has a goat leg... and there was a coke can hanging from the ceiling because i guess he drank a coke and just refused to throw away the can. brian would leave it in places where he could throw it away.. like in front of his door or right next to the thrash can.. but he wouldnt.. so brian tied it to his ceiling.  We played video games and drank mimosas and watched tim on the news at jerry's. On saturday they talked about job stuff with brians dad. then we had lunch at joe's and it was so good. Jerry's sunroof flew off his car on the freeway and we ran it over. lol. on accident.  then we watched movies and played that firefly game at brians. jasper made awesome roast beef sandiwches. on the way back my mother once again ruined our mood.


My mother thinks she is special because Tim doesn't spend enough time on facebook to remember to delete her. But he wanted to a long time ago. And he finds it awakard that she would think it is ok to like his statuses. I don't just think it is awkward but completely outrageous. He once said that maybe he just wont delete her because on the off chance I start talking to her again he doesn't want to keep adding and deleting her. I told him... that is even less likely than it was a couple months ago when it was still extremely unlikely due entirely to the fact that she still hasnt replied to my reply to her phone call. How transparent can she be? If anyone wondered if the reason behind her call was simply to cover her own butt and be able to tell people "well i tried" instead of ACTUALLY meaning the words she said on the phone: "I don't know what you want. I don't know how to fix this" (I'm paraphrasing because I dont feel like getting the exact phrasing by listening to that ridiculous message again)... If she had meant that then my reply would have been welcomed and replied to and within a reasonable amount of time instead of not at all. I told her exactly what was wrong, what I wanted and how to fix it many times before and again as clear as ever in that text. i had tim read it and he told me what i first wrote was too long and to stick to one subject instead of going off on tangents because you can get caught up in those things instead of hearing what i am trying to say. i rewrote and had examples of some stuff instead of long drawn out rambling paragraphs of just being mad... and he said it was perfect and i sent it. Tim and I both cant believe she can still go around saying she actually cares about me yet blatantly ignores everything I say to her. Screw her. Yesterday in the car as we drove back from Visalia is when we saw that she liked his status. we talked about it off and on and one time he said that for some reason he was still following her or something on instagram because he forgot to unfollow like on fb. he said so sometimes he sees her instagrams.. and he said he just doesnt understand how she can have all these close relationships to all these young church girls and neglect her own daughter. I've wondered that for the last 10 years (more or less) and get nowhere. She is an anomaly. I cannot figure it out and dont want to anymore. Nothing will make me trust her again. Yeah if she apologized and really actually meant it by changing and caring once and for all.. yeah i could forgive her and let her be a part of our lives. but even then i wont trust her. never will.


Brian might live with us if he doesn't get a job before their base moves to the base in valencia. Or if he transfers to a job at a base close to us. I think it will be cool having a friend around. And we could really use the extra cash each month so that's good. I know lots of people end up hating their roommates.. but brian is like the perfect roommate. hes so clean and organized. after seeing him clean all weekend.. i said we're going to love living with you.. you might not like living with us. haha. i mean we're clean but not as clean as him.. but he pretty much said any situation is better than the one he is in now with his current roommate.. the guy is weird and messy.


My health care provider called to tell me about free services I have like a dietician, nutritionist, social worker, behavioralist, etc. I had no idea. Definitely going to be taking advantage of that as soon as possible. Tim has the same thing so maybe they can help me fatten him up. We have to fatten him up because we think we might start really thinking about joining the national guard. we havent fully decided on it yet. and we dont know if 1 or both of us will do it but it has become a serious option. especially since a guy at tims work told him he should think about doing it. the 8 year commitment is a little long but it is only part time. and the travel discount is enough of an incentive for me.


Jefri has been.. not so good. He is happy and everything but he is struggling more and more. I really dont know what to do. Its like he doesnt understand.. he falls over a lot.. but it doesnt seem to bother him.. he just goes with it. i pick him up and if i dont he'll try to get up and sometimes he does or if he cant he takes a nap until he feels like trying again. But mostly I just pick him up when i see that happen. I made him a leg brace for his front legs because he crosses them and that throws off his balance a lot. but the real problem is his back legs.. his left hind leg curves in. I dont know what to do. I want to make a brace for those too but its harder because i have to make it so it wont cause him pain while standing sitting or lying down. The other problem that contributes to his inbalance is that he needs a lot of padding in his cage so i use a memory foam bathroom matt and fleece fabric. But there is no traction. they're really slippery. I need to go find some faux sheepskin. Joannes sells it but its $24 PER YARD! thats stupid. its not even real sheep skin.. if we had a closer ikea I'd go there and get 2 of their faux sheepskin rugs for $10 each. On top of the banace issues his stomach is getting more senstive so certain veggies make him get poopy butt. But he is still happy.. happy to see me, happy to eat, happy to get trets, happy to nap, happy to see Choli and Dexter, and happy to hop around even when he falls multiple times. Obviously I wouldnt let him suffer. I dont think he is. Tim says he is happy and fine.. just getting old. But I know its getting close.. to that time. I dont know. 



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[1807] Grandma and Bea

Tim's grandma came over for dinner last night. I can't ever figure out what to say to her. I have no idea what she thinks of me. This used to bother me.. I still wonder a little but now I don't really care too much about it. If she likes me she likes me.. if not.. well I tried.


Tim ran into Bea at the store last week. He said it was awkward because she said "You're grandma is in town".. like she was telling him something he obviously didn't know because he obviously doesnt care enough to find out. He said.. "I know.. we have already seen her twice... and I had to find out from my mom because no one ever contacts me". Boom. Bea and Kim and whoever all want to sit around gossiping about how we dont call or whatever but first of all why would we contact kim? uhg. And as for bea and ryan and lenny.. we have invited them to every single thing we have ever hd going on.. when we first moved into our place in simi valley, when we had that super bowl party, and other get togethers not to mention our 5 year anniversary party... they had an excuse for each one... YET she has the gall to tell us to stay in touch more and "dont be a stranger". Do people actually listen to the words they speak or is it just a bunch of crap soup? They are constantly doing things and not inviting us. If we ever see them again and she says something like that again... which is incredibly likely.. I'm going to call her out.




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[1806] Dear God this parachute is a knapsack

hehe my title is excellent. usually I try to stick to the theme of what I wrote.. but I just like Chandler.


i saw this article on yahoo. I didnt read the full title.. but it said something about Mario and the game of thrones! As I watched the video i became more and more excited for this EPIC game!... turns out it was just some guy who does this for all sorts of games.. mash ups of awesomeness. but it isnt real! You will never know the extent of my disappointment. :(


So things are crazy. So.. so crazy. Our lease is up next month and they decided to charge us $300 extra a month for absolutely no reason. jerks. We were going to move. But then we decided moving is the worst. So we are getting a roommate. But you know.. if I find something nice and a lot less expensive... we may still move. Brian sounded happy that we thought of him. We were going to ask Jaspar too but we know his disdain for cats. He was cool with it though. We offered to let him crash on our couch if he has trouble finding a place right away. and our garage for storage because we have space and he doesnt have that much stuff. Thier company is great but they dont give enough time for people to make living arrangements. we had 3 days of knowing where we were going until we had to be there. 3 days!


Crazier.. but also good great amazing news... Tim was on the phone with his dad the other day and his dad was asking him how money stuff was and we're pretty tight these days and will be for the next 1 - 4 months until tim gets into his new job (or if i ever got a freaking job)... and his dad said he had to go. He called back a few hours later and they were talking about the truck and he said he wishes we had a big garage so he could bring out old cars for us to work on (which would be freaking awesome by the way).. Tim's dad owns a towing company so he has tons of cars and some really nice ones. Tim said that would be really cool and we wish we could afford a house but it wont be for a while. (and we were thinking like renting a house) And then his dad told him to start looking. And Tim was like "what?" and "no we cant ask you to do that" sort of thing. And his dad said he wanted to and to just start looking. It was strange. When he got off the phone I asked him if I heard what I thought i heard because it wasnt on speaker but i could pretty much figure out the conversation. He said yeah and I was like woah. we both didn't react how i thought we should.. maybe we are just cynical and think its too good to be true?I said "why do you not seem more excited? Shouldn't we be really excited right now?" But I think we know how expensive houses are out here and it just seems like its not going to happen. Idk about Tim but I cannot imagine anyone giving me that much money. because a down payment to get a decent mortgage payment would be pretty expensive on most of these places I've looked at. When we bought the condo it was all Tim. I helped a little but the down payment was msotly Tim. And that was a lot.. for a condo. A house is going to be a lot more. well depending on a lot of factors. I guess its only been a few days. I dont expect to find something in a week but looking around is sort of disheartening. especially because i didnt know what the budget was.. just find a house.. so i was trying to look for as cheap as possible but even those were a lot. in the good areas. I'm just rambling.. I'm just excited. and stressed. But mostly excited. And a little afraid it wont happen now that we've gotten our hopes up. It would be so amazing to have a yard. And not be packed tight like sardines with strangers. I just cant believe that by next year or way sooner we could be owners of 2 places... that's nuts.


Lately I feel really blessed to have Tim's family.  But I think they really like me. It was hard before because of the Aaron stuff but his mom and I are getting closer and she says I love you to just me not me and Tim. And it feels nice. Its not weird. I was hoping for us to get closer and then I stopped worrying about it and it sort of happened without me knowing it. And despite Tim's dad living with his brother I don't think it affects how he thinks of me.. at least not anymore. and maybe not ever. maybe I was paranoid.


Jefri is falling over more again. I startd giving him these oxbow joint supplement things until we could ask the vet how much glucosamine and chondroitin with msm was ok to give him. i am taking that for my joints and pain because i've been having pain lately and thought we'd kill 2 birds. she told us what i am taking is fine to give him but he only can have 120 - 150 mg.. well they come in pills 750 mg each. i went to walmart to see if they had anything with less in each pill so i didnt have to cut them up into a million pieces.. i went to ask the pharmasist.. well. i start explaining to him what i am looking for and he lets me go on for 2 minutes and then says "I would lvoe to help but unfortunately i am not a pharmasist..." i was like.. "oh.. well thanks for letting me get to the end of that without telling me" and turned to walk away. and he was like "you can ask me personal questions.. because that would be awesome". I walked away.. i felt bad but what am i supposed to say to that? Maybe its because I wasnt wearing my ring. but i usually dont get hit on by guys my age because they think I'm 15. so yeah..  and then when i left to pay for my stuff this one item i thought was $17 turned out to be $30.. i told the guy i thought it was $17.. planning to just have him take it off because i didnt reeeeeeally need it. and he was like "okay" and i got it for $17. Could be a coincidence but I'm just going to assume that its because i looked good. ha. ANYWAYS. There is a 97 cent store near my house that sells things that are more than 97 cents also.. which makes everything really confusing... but i found some premmie sized pampers for only $5.. when i looked at them i thought for sure they'd be too small but they fit! Jefri looks so cute in diapers :p ... seriously.. a bunny in a diaper.. is ridiculous. hes so fluffy so it looks too small  even on him but its not. i also got some baby socks. this way with the diaper and socks there is no way he can pee on his legs while he is running around the living room. i missed having him free to run around the room. he seems to enjoy it mroe too. I love him :)



crock pot chicken is the only way. I avoided it because somewhere i heard crock pots dry out chicken.... or maybe beef. well i thought it was chicken. so i would have tim grill it... too tough.. bake.. too rubbery... boil... too flavorless.. crock pot... amazing. every other way is too "something" to shred. With the crock pot its falling off the fork as i try to take it out. i have to gently scoop them out. and they practically shred themselves. i started adding it to the cold pasta i make for tims lunch.. he said it was awesome. :)



My back hurts.


Watching the office again so.....


What type of bear is best?

False. Black bear.

FACT. Bears. Eat. Beets.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica



cant stop at just one..


So anyways she says that is the biggest penis i have ever seen and I said I know. That's why i brought you to the penis museum. Where tickets are a thousand dollars!




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[1803] Cheers
Listening to: otis redding - these arms of mine

Not the tv show. 


I feel like I've just consumed a big glass of "I don't care" juice. MMmm juice. Earlier today I still felt conflicted.. afflicted.. infected.. by stupid family drama crap stuff. And then poof I just feel lighter. No sir I did not take any drugs or alcoholic beverages. It just happened. It wasn't even a good day per say.  It kinda sucked lots. Omg auto correct! !!! Uhg I had to retype sucked like a bazillion times.. Every time even now it wants me to write fucked, sacked, or ducked. Haha ducked. Anyways. There is always one of those days every time this happens with my family. It's a turning point from thinky and annoying and let's face it whiney... and everything is so sad and terrible and I'm so angry and blah blah blah and then I just realize.. I'm here again? And something clicks.. why am I upset over this? I should be happy. And then I just am. Not that I haven't thought that several times since feeling this way.. it doesn't help.just to think it. Idk what it is.. i dont care though.. whether it was a specific event or amount of time passed or something more deep and complex. I dont know how these things happen. I dooo not care. I'm just happy to feel a little more at peace. 


soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... basically I am extremely tired but my back does not hurt too bad today which is just spectacular. it only hurts when I think about it.. which I will take over the "this is it there is nothing you can do it is going to hurt even if you try to distract yourself with a million things" pain anyday. And this headache only feels like a baby seal is crushing my brain instead of like a sperm whale or something. speaking of whales... a whales penis is so gross and so huge... and so gross.


I saw a friend of my moms in the parking lot of Target today. I am 82% sure she saw me but I pretended not to see her because really what can I say to these people? I'd rather let her think I am weird. Cuz I ammmm.


Rewatching the office from the beginning makes me happy.


Choli likes to play this game where she sits on my chest when I am sleeping and stare at me OR get her nasty wet nose as close to my face as possible without touching it until i wake up and then as soon as i open my eyes.... surprise.. wet nose in your face!


I stopped playing COD for like a month and I forgot who all these weirdos are. 


Tim is here with chinese food bai


We ate food and watched an episode of madmen and then I couldn't keep my eyes open. It was only around 6.. i sleep until about 11pm. So now it's 2 ish and i am wide awake with a groggy headache grrr.


When i woke up I signed into fb and Christi had sent me a message. I guess she forgot who hosted her site. That was around 1pm. I don't sit around staring at Fb all day like some people so I didn't even know I wasn't logged in since yesterday until I woke up. I sent a message telling her her host and stuff so she should be able to figure it out.. Her site has been down for over a month even though she says she had it on auto pay.. i hope she figures it out. And then I hope she takes me up on updating the site. 


Rudy Simone's posted a fb thingy about some lady person who needs an "aspergirl who can code in javacript" and left an email. I emailed her. Although I have no idea what it's for.. i was intrigued. Why would this person need to have aspergers? Does she actually have a job she needs done and prefers to work with someone with aspergers.. which you know would be cool but unlikely.. or maybe she is writing a book and looking for women with aspergers in different fields? Idk


I feel funny. I blame the egg rolls. I don't feel food poisony... but the egg rolls had a funny smell... like kinda chemically so I only ate half of one. I dont get heartburn a lot so idk but i think it might be that... maybe. Or there is a little mouse in my chest blowing bubbles. My fortune cookie said that I was a delight and people relate to me. Well that's very kind of you to say Mr cookie but your terribly mistaken and sentenced to death. Death by cannibalism.. because i  am a cookie pie.



I told tim to call jaspar but he didnt. Idk why he doesn't invest in people who invest in him. I know it's hard... he has his social issues as well but at least I want to have friends... it's almost like he is anti friends. It's always jaspar calling him. I told him to change that or jaspar will start feeling like we did with sal and Stephanie and other past relationships. Plus it's not like I.can.. that's inappropriate I think. It's not my friend. I just benefit from the friendship overspray.



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[1797] One After the Other

Sometimes I dont write for weeks.. and sometimes i don't want to do anything BUT write.. like a million entries one after the other. I havent been to sleep.


I wrote that yesterday.. and then i like fell asleep or something.. its friday...

Still haven't listened to x2's voicemail. I'm thinking about taking a page out of his playbook and just not listening to it ever. Its already been about a week ish. I'm suprised of myself. I'm usually to curious to wait more than a few hours to listen to or read these sorts of things. But I'm just not interested. And why should I be? And why should I give him the time or the respect of hearing what he has to say when he's never done the same for me. x1 and x2 say I am this and that and everything bad in the universe combined plus AIDS but lets look at the facts...  how am i the one "never" open to communication or whatever when the last times I reached out to him he sent back messages saying he deleted without reading. everyone wants to say "its always on your terms" but the words hold no weight.. unless they are being directed at x2 because it has ALWAYS been on his terms.. he is the one who refused to read my messages before when my mother begged me to "work things out" and send him a message... it wasn't until HE was ready. It wasn't until HE called ME and asked me to come to Thanksgiving. And what did we do? We came to Thanksgiving no questions asked. So stubborn right? So why should I care what he has to say. I had never been so immature and just flat out rejected ANYTHING from him yet he felt the need to do it to me? Even after everything he did to me my entire life.. being a huge ASSHOLE/DOUCHEBAG and he has the nerve to do that to me... so yeah... I am thinking of doing the same thing to him. He's an asshole and it sucks when someone does that... why shouldn't i. I guess part of me thinks.. well I'm not a jerk. But the other part is like screw that I still wont be a jerk if I do or at least I shouldnt be considered one because that is all he does to me when its the other way around. Its like he opens his mouth and expects everyone else to close. I have no idea why they want to pretend like i think the word revolves around me... when have i ever thought that? it revolves around him. it always has. he can do no wrong. What? Like he left an apology? That is bullshit. Even if he did his apologies are bullshit.. just thinking about his last apology to me makes me want to punch Choli in the face.. Poor Choli.. she's the closest living thing to me. I didn't... I just want to. right in the face. hee she walked away. Anyways. idk what I am even talking about... oh right.. even if he apologized.. even if he ACTUALLY meant it which is unlikely.. i don't even care. too little to late man. Way way way too little too late. I cant even think about the possibility of letting this guy back in my life. I feel like nothing but shit when I'm around him and then x1 comes around and its a shit sandwich. heh.


My hair looks awesome right now and I lost 2 lbs. Woot. I actually worked out today.. i was sweating. it was gross.


I want to go up to Visalia this weekend. I'd actually like some interaction with other people. Even if they are Tim's friends. Maybe we'll go fishing or something.


Stupid apartment complex people are assholes. Our lease is ending soon and they want to charge us $150 more a month if we do a 10 month, $100 more if we do a 12 and $340 more for month to month... About to leave right now to go look at some other places... but moving again sounds terrible.. unless we find a house with a yard I do not want to move again. It feels like we just got here. Not that we like this place. the train is so loud and the kids here are insane... they literally just scream at the top of their lungs non stop until around 8. And one just bounces a ball... in place... for hours.. right outside out window.



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[1796] Doors

Since Decemeber we've been moving on and doing good at it. I hardly ever gave them a thought anymore. I have other things to think about. But it doesn't really work if they start calling out of the blue. First x1 now x2. I immmediately declined the call. I thought when you decline that it just stops the call but i guess it sends them to voicemail. Uhg. so I have a voicemail sitting around on my phone that I don't feel like listening to. I might just delete it without listening to it. or have tim listen. the thought of hearing his voice makes me want to break everything in this room. i dont care what he has to say. Probably some condescending piece of bullshit. Unless they had some sort of realization about the past and the way they are and how they treated me and the reality of everything instead of their own little distorted view... i want nothing to do with them as they are now. to them that means do not talk to me for any reason whatsoever. and thats pretty true in my brothers case.. i really dont think there is anything he could say that would make Tim and I open to having him back in our lives.. i dont expect him to change who he is.. he has had a long time to do that and hasnt so what would change now? too little too late anyways. i refuse to have people in my life that constantly want to break me. subconciously and purposely.. either way theres the door. Every time i distance myself from them i build myself back up.. tim sees it. everything has been fine. then these stupid phone calls. its not like anyone is dead. if someone were dead either x1 or renee would call. if x1 died grandma or renee would call. so no one died. what other reason does he have to call.. i honestly just don't care. The only reason it is even significant enough tp write about is because i am on my freaking period (yeah whatever) and everything means way more than it should. I have tried the whole having a shred of hope for things to get better with them. I'm over that. I'd like to focus solely on the future. I need to move forward. They need to respect me and my boundaries or leave me alone once and for all. This constant in and out... there was a quote i saw the other day on facebook... something like: "if you want to be in my life the door is open. if you want to leave the door is open. just dont stand in the doorway because you are blocking traffic." Exactly.


I'm so sick of writing about them.


In other news. Tim is great. Today one of his supervisors told him that she is going to be promoted to a different job and that when she does she will need some guys to be like instructors or something and wants Tim to be one of them. This is an obvious choice and I don't jst say that being his wife...since he is one of the top guys, has few to no errors, and is easy to work with. He said the dude that comes out to give them more orders (when they've finished their route sheet) said that he is the only one who consistently finishes early and needs more work. This is really awesome news because he was mainly thinking of doing 1 of 3 other jobs. one was too competetive and would be unlikely he'd get a spot being so low in senoirity (someone with more seniority was number 75!). Another job requires a 5 year commitment. And the last job is extremely strenuous and sort of dangerous. So this would be more of a desk job. I think he deserves a job like that.. a lot less stress and a lot more money. He would even probably get a company car. we could sell the truck. So that's good. The months are flying by. He comes up to his year at the end of June so not too much longer. And if everything works out... maybe we will be able to take our honeymoon trip this year afterall. Finally. We're really hoping for October. Who knows if that'll actually happen but I hope so. I feel weird that it has been so long since our party and we havn't gone. i feel like people think we just took their money and spent it on other things. but its in the savings account. waiting. so far we hadn't gone because timhad no vacation days yet being a new job and all but now its just a money thing. We're trying to get rid of all our debt the last few months.


how do people find houses to rent these days... i cant find anything that doesnt look like junk or a scam. trying to find something around the same rent as this place but a house with a yard. jefri needs a yard bad. i think he's getting so weak because he was so used to having a huge grassy space to run around. even if it was a few minutes a day. I try making the cage as comfortable as possible but its not the same. and I can't let him loose in the apartment anymore because he forgot how to use the litter box 60% of the time. its becoming extremely hard to take care of him. :/


I've been writing more. And researching.  Its just a matter of time.  I know someone will benefit. Those who haven't found their voice. Or whose voices are being snuffed out.


I wish this laptops brightness settings were more than just super dark and blindly bright. Its hard to concentrate.


The birds around here don't sleep.




Mad Men: ....I need to play catch up ball...

Me: ooo ketchup balls

Tim: they're called tomatoes 






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[1794] Welpy

I am finally learning spanish. Consistently. I've tried before and give it a day or 2.. probably made it up to a week once and learned a handful of words... but not now. nope. I've been learning on the kindle fire with that Duolingo app. Its pretty cool. It says I know 170 something words. And not just like cat and numbers and hi but like other stuff. Its getting easier. I can dicipher certain things i hear now... if they are said slow enough. So that's good.. I'd like to be able to respond to questions asked of me in spaish with something more than a blank stare.. or look of contrition.


x1... also known as my mother to those just joining us... called the day before Easter. She said her usual piece about missing me and loving me and sounding all "welpy" that's my made up word for the tone of her voicemails. Welpy - an adjective - to spew out wishy washy seemingly sentimental nonsense that usually induces feelings of anger in your target audience. I could have come up with a better definition given some time but I don't feel like putting too much thought into it right now... Anyways. it was just stupid. she is just so annoying. i can't even. idk. She did it on purpose. she is an emotional vulture. peck peck peck while I am already down. I am trying to move on from the evil people. I'm trying to forget. and then i get these strategically placed phone calls every so often to pull me back under. go away. I don't want to hear about how you "miss me and love me" and "don't know how to make it right or what to do" because we both know its bullshit. I've told her over and over and over exactly what is wrong and what i need and how she can make it right. Its nothing new and its not irrational. I am sick of double standards and I am sick of being seen in a way that is so incredibly unbalanaced from those around me. I am sick of her taking everyone elses side, especially my brothers, over mine. Even when he is so obviously wrong. She takes pride in protecting him and holding him in high regard. I'm so sick of her thinking I don't see what she is doing. Thinking she can get away with it. Thinking she is innocent in all this. We see it. Tim sees it. others see it but don't care as much. I don't want to care and day by day I care less and less. I wait for the day when I don't care at all.  I was there once. Before we started talking this last time. I was completely indifferent but I made a mistake.. It had been so long and I was so indifferent that I forgot how I got there. So I had no reason not to return. I wont forget this time. I wont take her being nice to me or not arguing with me as her changing. i should have known. the last time we stopped talking was pretty much the same as this time. the last time i insisted we talked about what was going on with jason and myself and she refused and i never got answers. then she lets time go by thinking it just erases those wounds and somehow answers all my questions. it doesn't. but i was almost desparate for connection. i let all my doubts and hesitations go. I forgot how terrible it felt to be put so snuggly in my place. i was happy in my ignorance. for a time. i wont do it again. Tim didn't even want me to respond. He said if you respond just say like 2 things.. don't put too much time into it. I tried but I can't help it.. once i start I cant stop. but i let him read it and he said it was good and stayed on topic and like usual it was exactly what she says i never say so she has no excuse and is just going to sound utterly insane like she always does if she continues to say i do not tell her how to fix things or what is wrong. one of the last things i said was "you will continue to use the convenient excuse that i simply dont want to hear from you period instead of admitting to just not being able to put me before anyone... so continue to only care to call on or around holidays and i will continue to send these messages (until i stop giving this my time) and you will read and absorb nothing as usual." And llike usual she did not reply. Because it is a ruse. She only contacts me so she can go back to her "growth" group or whatever she does these days and tell them she "tried" and then they feel sympathetic and pray for her .. a mother mourning her wayward daughter. how sad. UHG. How do they not see? I've been saying it since I was a teen... I saw it when we would have crazy fights and screaming matches and then a person from church would come over and suddenly she wants me to come down stairs and smile and touch my hair like nothing happened. And i didn't know it then but it just played into her whole poor mommy picture. She's just a bundle of love and no matter what she tried her wretched daughter wanted nothing to do with her..."see! see how she recoils! She hates me!" Well obviously after only hours before you were threatening to kick me out for not doing the dishes. I swear she only invited people over after big fights for this reason. And her friends would look at me like i was a disrespectful brat that just couldn't be helped. To them I had no reason to be the way i was. What did they know. Assholes. Try living with her bitches. O well. I know better now.


annette hasnt called me. why do people expect me to care more about their projects than they do?


King Geoffery is dead. woot.


I shaved Choli because she had too many mats because she refuses to be brushed... but she wouldnt sit still long enough.... Tim says she looks like a clydesdale horse...


el gato duerme sobre el mono.

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[1792] Ruh-roh!

Haven't written in or even been on sitdiary since last entry which was way too long ago. Right after writing that entry things got crazy. Not like super crazy but I wasn't feeling well at all. This last year I've had no energy and tired all the time and this and that but going to the doctor I've been at least feeling excited to get these things addresses which has helped brighten my spirits... but then it all came with a vegence... like super tired and depressed and headaches every hour of every day for weeks. i had some blood work done a couple weeks before just because I havent had health insurance for a while so it was just routine stuff. Well turns out everything was fine except i am extremely vitamin D deficient and that's like bad and stuff. Apparently you should be getting at least 30 ng/ml a day and a range of 30 - 100 is good. over 50 is great. Lower than 30 is considered deficient. lower than 20 is severely deficient. Mine was 9 ng/ml. uhhhh.. no wonder I've felt like literally DYING.. like this weird feeling of pending doom.. no really... i felt it. And that was the result over 2 weeks ago... who knows what it was when I actually got the results back. It seems so ridiculous and counter productive to wait so long to get the results. I guess I would be a prime candidate for d deficiency since i dont have a job so I hardly ever leave this place.. unless i run errands or go to the garage to get something ha. yeah so not much. And I am lactose intolerant and hate milk which is most peoples source of vitamin d. And I'm brown.. which is like bad for vitamin d absorption. i mean I knew i didn't sun burn as easily and whatever but I thought I was still getting the same amount of sun benefits when I actually am in the sun. Not to mention I wear sunscreen when I go outside so the little chance the sun has to help me out is squashed completely. Well anyways I'm taking a supplement nowand going in again in 3 months.. I can feel a slight difference but not much. And I still have these stupid headaches but I'm guessing thats just stress.


So much stress.


Not that things aren't going generally good otherwise. I have a freelance project I'm working on. And there are good things in the works. Tim's going to be coming up to his 1 year at the gas co and hopefully getting into a better job. He's such an amazing worker and everyone loves him and tells him how great he is doing so I dont see a problem with him transfering fast. Our lease is almost up here so we can start looking for a bigger place. And Jefri is doing better on his medication... he seems happy and comfortable.. well... when Choli isn't attacking him. Seriously have to figure out why she randomly decides to grab and bite him... she bit him so hard yesterday that he had a little dent in his nose :( didnt seem to hurt him but still. Anyways so mostly good. But I've been getting mild anxiety attacks on a regular basis. And no sleep. Although I have started making tims lunches again so I'm sure he likes that.


I think when we start looking for another place we will look outside of scv. We moved here to be near my family and because it was "home". it doesn't feel that way anymore. even before starting to talk to my family that last time i still felt santa clarita was my home simply because tim and i lived there for a while and before that i lived there my whole life. but now its tainted. everywhere i go i feel like i have to constantly be on guard... like any second i will run into my mom or brother or any number of people from their church. and its happened mor than you'd think.. i've been able to dodge most of these encounters but its annoying to have to think about it. I dont want them in my life anymore. and moving away feels like a necessary step in solidifying that decision. maybe pasadena.. maybe simi.. i like santa barbara a lot. jaspar (tims co worker) said he likes santa barbara. that'd be cool if we all mvoed out there together. I miss knowing people our age that don't generally suck balls. 


Something happened recently and I dont really want to write about it.. idk why. I'm not mad or anything. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Or how I should feel. So I try not to feel anything about it as much as possible. And that's generally worked so far. But it happened, that's not going to change. And its just going to become more and more of a reality in time. Its not like it even affects me.


I had a weird creative surge today. I started writing a song. Bits and pieces to one anyways. Nothing special...  Then immediately after that I speed wrote a whole poem or 90% of a longish poem. It took about 4 minutes and i hardly stopped. When i did stop it was only to wonder what the heck I was talking about but instead of question it i just kept writing. I started out not knowing what it was about. I thought it was nonsense. I used to write "nonsense" poems. Then in the middle I realized i knew exactly what it was about and I wrote with more awareness. At the end I got stuck and i went over what I had written. All the parts that seemed weird in the begining actually made sense in context. There was one part where i used a word i thought i used incorrectly... but after looking it up its second meaning worked perfectly. It was kind of weird. It took 5 more minutes to come up with the ending. I'm not saying its a masterpiece or even that good... but I think its something. I'm not proud of many things... but I'm kind of proud of it. It felt like I was taken over.. sounds stupid but it did because afterwards it gave me an idea. And I think this idea is something I was supposed to think up. I think it has to do with what I'm supposed to do next. I'm being vague because I don't know for sure. I want to look into it more. but i think its going to happen.


Tim caught me writting it when I was finished and made me read it to him.. well not made me but you know. He liked it. he said it was really good. hudband talk. but then later he comes out from the bedroom and says he wrote a poem too and recites 4 lines... i would write it here if it wouldnt embarrass him but it was the most funny. Tim's funny again....! i think thats the biggest change I've noticed since taking vitamin d supplements. haha. no really.. I notice I'm not as irritable. I just thought Tim was just becoming ridiculously annoying.. and on purpose. who knew.




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[1790] Forgotten
Listening to: Jefri eating hay and Tim playing Borderlands

I always forget to write in this now. Not because I am busy or have so much going on.. probably the opposite. And although as anyone has had the unfortunate displeasure of randomly stumbling into this meaningless word pit i call my diary knows... i could write forever and there would hardly ever be a point. But whatever man... its my diary.


Well lets start with the bad and get to the good...

I think one reason I don't write in here as much is because my mother once mentioned she found this diary and read it  She said she read it when we werent talking a long time ago. And on the off chance she still does... I just dont want her "feeling" close to me or like she "knows" me just because can read. i don't care if complete strangers feel this way... go ahead strangers... but if she wants to know me or feel close she can stop reading and DO something about it. But she wont. She is a coward. and i don't care if she knows i feel that way. Its all too easy for her to take a back seat and excuse herself from my life. She thinks I am the one who leaves and then puts words in my mouth like "I know you don't want to hear from me". And before we stopped talking she would be like "well you will just never talk to me anymore". I don't care what any of them think anymore. Everyone wants to think Jason is this person he isn't. Put him on a pedastool and worship him.. believe everything he says.. do everything he wants... its a phenomenon in our family that even blinded Tim and I for a while. She thinks he is perfect. its not just that he lied about having sex with all his girlfriends. he's over 30... of course he has... but she wouldn't even consider it until he finally told her. its not even all that.. and i wont get into that because i've written about it several times before and it'll just be extremely long and i don't feel like spending too much time on this subject... she thinks thats all it is.. its not just 1 lie. its that he is a liar. THAT is who he is. she compares him to Daniel in the bible. Daniel didn't lie and change who he is just to get into some random chicks pants. Daniel probably didn't sell drugs either. Oh yeah that's right MOM.. your precious son.. drug dealer when he lived in San Diego. Have fun with that one. Seriously I should have never forgiven either of them for accusing me of stealing... they still dont see how horrible that was. And by the way mother... your son and his friend ryan touched me when i was a kid at the copras house. bet he never told you that either. but who cares? She didn't care when he hit me or left a bruise the size of a softball on my arm.. why care about these bits of information? Thats all they are to her. He once called her a fucking retard to her face and she didn't say anything. She heard it because he said it loud and she shook her head. Tim and I heard it. When we asked her about it... she not only got mad at us for suggesting he would say that but then turned it on me saying i MAKE her feel like a fucking retard... what? i just said someone called you something and you get mad at me like i said it??... and we werent talking about me.. if she wants to talk about how i make her feel fine but do it on her own time... we were in the middle of a conversation about jason not me. but this is what she does she deflects all jasons issues or flaws or anything negative at all and puts it on me. Jason is to plastic ball as I am to sponge.... when Tim tried speaking up and saying he heard it and I said see Tim heard it too... she freaked out and said Tim is my God and I beleieve everything he says. what? That night tim and i decided that there is no talking to her. her responses do not make sense to what we are saying. we cant get straight answers and we never will. they are poison. i knew that years ago and kept going back. because what i thought things were supposed to be like or what i thoughtit meant to be a good person. or because ignorant jerk people would judge me for cutting them out. so over that. i get sad sometimes... but I have to write things like this over and over (and i know its annoying) so i remember why i cannot trust them or believe that they can change. they cant and they dont want to. its not them as people i miss or am sad to have lost. It is the idea of ever having a family like the one i think is "right" in my head.


Anyways. went to the doctor. first doctor sent me to 2 other doctors. 1 was ok. other was just like the rest. seeing the ok doctor for follow up soon. tim is calling the bad doctor to complain but its probably pointless. i decided todo things differently than the last times and before i left i asked to see the doctor again. i asked him to consider that he is not right for a second and that i am.. and asked who i would go to. he said the same type of doctor as himself but with experience with this stuff.. he said he would make some calls but i never heard from him and its been over a week. i bet he was just trying to get rid of me. its just annoying because he asked what theother doctors thought and i said the term and then he did his exam and he says to me "ok so the term for this is (insert term i previously told him here)..." um... dude. I told YOU that. Why did he act like I hadn't heard the word before?? The was stupid. I have hope for the ok doctor though. he seemed like he knew what he was tlaking about. this bad doctor was old and probably set in his ways and like a lot of old doctors (in my experience) want to push every situation they cant figure out into the "its all in your head" pile. Lazy


Still no job. Although I am about to apply to 3 right now. I haven't been for a while because I just get annoyed. I'm going to apply to a QA job even though those jobs are fullof young 20 something guys and I'm an old 20 something woman.. but it beats working at starbucks. plus i think i wont be effected by the office politics and drama this time. i dont want to make friends i just want to make money. i mean ok friends would be nice but i need friends my own age for once. and gender.. would be nice. i miss amanda. i keep wanting to apologize for being a jerk to her but i dont know what to say. i was trying to be a good friend to casey... im dumb. he was a terrible friend.. amanda was cool. he only didn't like her because she wasn't "hot" or "cute" or whatever he thought she should look like. I thought she was awesome. i think i might send her a message on fb. or not. idk. The other jobs are web developer type jobs. And then Tim also found a job for me. I will post about it if I hear from them. i'm worried my lack of a job for so long will count against me.


Tims dad is coming out this Thursday. He's bringing his (girl)friend and Tim's grandpa. They're coming early on Thursday while Tim is at work so I will be with them alone... :/ I suck at being with Tims family alone. I never know what to say. It was so awkward when me and his dad were working on the condo. I had NO idea what to talk about. I said all the wrong things. and then i inadvertently stole from home depot.


Just got a text from a producer friend. she is working on a web series and wants me to be PA. I have PA'ed for her before.. i want to apply for this one job and her as a reference would be really good... so i might so i can ask her. but its not even paid... well a gift certificate to the restaurant they are using. idk im on the fence about it.. i guess i have nothing better to do. i wonder if she would still be a reference if i dont? uhg I have to dont i? i want to act not PA... I guess you have to start somewhere. and she's always really nice. I should do it. Or at least 1 of the 2 days. --- left for a bit and just came back--- i realized we ccant do it since tim's dad and gpa will be out. idk how i forgot that since i just wrote about it before this... I'm weird.


On friday i have a meeting with one of my moms friends to help her.. well i'm not exactly sure. i think she wants me to teach her how to use facebook and other social media things. and I think she is going to pay me.. idk i just feel weird taking money for that sort of thing. and i feel weird doing a favor for one of my moms friends because thats pretty much doing a favor for my mom.  and that sir is the last thing i want to do. on the other hand... i think she mentioned that after she does teh social media stuff she needs a website and i need more freelance work so it might not be all that bad. sucks that its on friday while tims family is here.. i was going to cancel but i alreadycancelled one to take jefri to the vet.


Yeah so Jefri is old... he's going to be 10 at the end of the year :( He's been getting weaker. His hind legs mostly. he started faling over and not being able to get back up and instead of hopping he would drag his left leg or do this stepping thing. took him to the vet and he's been taking metacam and doing a lot better. he's hopping.. a little wobbly still but not too bad and if he falls over he is able to lift himself back up. the vet wanted to start him on panacur for e cuniculi but based on his current symptoms she decided to treat him with baytril for a middle ear infection. its more expensive but an ear infection for rabbits is a lot worse than some other stuff he could have so i would rather treat for that first just in case.


There should really be an alert system on here. I almost missed those comments on my previous entry because i just dont expect comments on this thing anymore. And if you click "all comments" you get a content encoding error. But yeah I'm glad I didn't miss them because i like comments and one was from "shoe" an old sit d friend i havent talked to in a million years :) I remember driving up to bakersfield to meet him and drawing our faces on the wall of his moms house (she was selling it) much to her dismayyyy. don't worry she got me back (painted my shirt lol)... and I still have the duck purse he made me! lol. And when him and his gf went with us to the beach good times!








703 hit(s) (1 comments) | pee in my bucket  
[1787] C-3PO

My cousin Renee is visiting from Missouri. Its been nice hanging out with her. She's funny and actually talks. I know I talk to much... i can't help it sometimes. I don't know if it's annoying her or not. O well. We went to the LA fashion district. The day after we went to the thrift shops in Ventura and the beach. On Friday i took her to sign up for central casting but we were too late to get in. We went to the mall instead.I think we're going to go hiking one day to the Hollywood sign.. and maybe get shabbu and mochi.. and maybe go to comedy club.. or venice boardwalk.



Last week our tenants told us the refrigerator broke. grr. The condo didn't come with a refrigerator initially.. we just asked if they needed one and they did so we did them a favor and left it. It was a crappy fridge but better than nothing. The handles were coming loose and the water/ice maker didn't work but it kept things cold/frozen. Apparently it started making some weird noise that we did not hear when we went over there... I hate to say it but i sort of think they just made it up because they didn't like the fridge and expected us to just buy them a new one. Well we were all prepared to tell them that we can't buy them a fridge right now and that it was a favor and not our responsibility to replace AND that we initially asked for more if we left the washer and dryer but let them pay the price of us taking them out even though we left them there. But part of us was like maybe we should get a fridge to keep them happy and because it was pretty old but we just bought a fridge for ourselves 1 month ago because our place didn't come with one so it was hard to even imagine buying another fridge since we didn't have ANY money for one. i told tim to call his dad for advice since he's like a business guy and knows what to do in these situations. and its his dad and its good to get objective advice. tims dad ended up telling us to just get a cheap fridge and he would pay for it. that was super unexpected. i mean he gave us some money for the floors but that's really the only other time besides like tims birthday money and our aniiversary money. since then we've told him how much we're struggling before and he hadn't offered so i just thought maybe he wanted us to do things on our own. but he seemed really happy to help and told tim to ask for help when he needs it. And getting the new fridge does make the most sense.. they're happy.. we're happy since its a good investment. I wrote up a document that says that we are buying the fridge as a gift, that the condo did not initially come with a fridge, that the fridge is ours to be used in the condo, and it it breaks it is not our responsibility to buy them another fridge etc etc. they liked the huge more expesive ones.. we didn't want a huge fridge again because its a pain in the ass to move and does so much damage getting it in and out to the walls.. we compromised on a little bit smaller one but nicer than the cheap ones and that came with an ice maker.. it was still more expensive so they ended up paying the difference for a little better fridge. which was cool since it is still ours and if they leave it'll be easier to rent because now it is a condo that comes with a fridge.


After seeing so many rentals last year we now realize how awesome our condo is. Its so clean. no bugs. hardwood floors. huge vaulted ceilings with wood beams in living room and front bedroom. huge front loading washer and dryer. tiled kitchen and bathrooms. tiled shower and partial walls and new toilet in front bathroom. new carpet in bedroom. tiled hallway. resurfaced cabinets with new door handles. new oil rubbed bronze fixtures (well we just spray painted the old stuff - but it looks awesome). new 6 panel doors. regrouted counters. new vanity sink in master bathroom. new wood blinds in bedrooms. new vertical blinds in living room. repainted porch. garage. its in a quiet area. within 5 minutes of most fast food and restuarants, complex is across the street from liquor store and smart and final and other stores, less than 5 minutes to freeway, 10 minutes to metrolink, close to mall, close to schools, etc etc etc. we've had a hard time finding ANYTHING that compares. The closest thing comparable at the time in Simi was a place that had a laundry facility at a complex and they wanted $50 more than what we were asking. That's just crazy.


Projects I'd like to do to the condo when we can afford it: fix garage door (it only works half the time), new kitchen sink and faucet and over the range microwave. That's really all I can think of.


We found a 120 gb hard drive at game stop so we got it. Woot. I missed it.


Finally have health insurance. I have an appointment on Thursday. It feels too far away. I just want to know whats wrong with me now. I guess I've waited around a year so whats a few more days..


I have to clean the house today its a mess. And get groceries grr.


I lost a bunch of weight and was looking so skinny.. i was 125 - 128 for months. then this month I got to 116. now I'm 120. poop. i don't exercise.. ever.. (i want to but treadmill is burried under a massive pile of boxes at the moment.. ) but when i eat right.. i lose weight rapidly. its crazy. its just freaking hard.. fast food is so easy. but this last week I've skipped breakfast and forgot to make my water concoction  and i think that's part of the reason.. I've been drinking this cucumber, lemon, lime, mint water and its delicious and i think it helped. and cinnamon and sugar on toast with a side of fruit for breakfast. I think sleeping helped too. I read that insomnia causes weight gain and its true because i gained so much weight in bakersfield and at my moms. but i started getting back into good sleeping habits at this place.. i was going to bed and waking up with tim and thats also when i was losing the most. the combination of all those things made me lose like 1-2 pounds a week. maybe more because we haven't been here that long. i swear i lost 5 pounds in 1 week.. it was nuts. I'm pretty sure stress was a huge culprit. Now if I only added an hour of walking every day.. hmm. I need to organize the garage and set up that treadmill.


I took a star wars quiz and was princess lea and C-3PO.





526 hit(s) (3 comments) | pee in my bucket  
[1786] Let Me Be Nice

OK I FINALLY decided on a final concept for my website. I really did. I'm not going to change it this time. At least not drastically. Its so much better. usually i hate everything i do (for myself). I've done a few things for others that I don't hate but this is the first thing I've done for myself that i really think is "okay"! And that's good. Because my taste is way better than my skills so I don't ever expect anything I do to be "great" in my eyes. I am working on it locally but I might put it online soon.. Its done with a jquery plugin. I hadn't used jquery before and i love it. no need to create a mobile site when you use the grid. its amazing. I definitely have a lot.. a lot.. to learn but from what I've seen so far I don't see why i wouldnt use jquery for every future site i create. its so easy and looks modern. And I'm also getting better with the pen tool in illustrator and learning new techniques with shading and gradients and whatknot. I hadn't been that great at it before.. well ok i sucked. like very much.


my diy project today is a long curtain rod for under $10 to go across the long window in the living room. So far I spent less than 5. I need to go get some end supplies at the craft store. I like making things.


My cousin Renee is out to visit from Missouri! Can't wait to see her. My mom picked her up and then she went to grandmas. She stayed an extra night so I'm going to see her tomorrow.I haven't been expecting anything. I do that now. My expectations are that she will make time to see me 1 day.. so if she wants to see me more thats cool but I really don't expect it. Idk maybe its really cynical but thats just how I have to think lately or people disappoint me. I don't take anything anyone says seriously.. if I make plans with someone i don't expect them to follow through any more. I don't take anything with more than a grain of salt. of course if she does want to hang out more that's great and we will have fun because I am fun.


Lately i feel like my life can be summed up with the scene from breakfast club where molly ringwald puts make up on ally sheedy.. and alley sheedy says "why are you being so nice to me?" and molly ringwald is like "because you're letting me".. (Just reverse it because i am much more of an ally sheedy than ringwald.) I just don't udnerstand why its so hard for people to accept niceness. Let me be nice and don't be weird about it.. I'm not doing this or that because I want something.. we're friends or family.. just let me love you. I suck at words. I suck at looking into your eyes and somehow telling you without words how much you mean to me like others seem to do a lot. This is how I show love.. with gifts.. with acts of service.. with time (sometimes).. that's all i have. i could write a letter but it would turn into a novel and if i try to keep it short it sounds fake.




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[1785] ORRR

I found a job that seems perfect. Its for a junior developer position, pays good and they actually don't want you to have lots of experience. i think they want someone to shadow their programmer so that they can teach them their way of doing things. I see this as a possible good or bad thing. Maybe it is good because the head programmer is a freaking genuis rockstar ninja coder and all the previous kids with "years of experiences with c++ or java" turned out to be taught bad practices and were hard to "unteach" and teach them the correct way. ORRR perhaps this guy is a hack and cuts corners and just does enough to get by on the seat of his pants and these kids fresh out of college or with years of experiences in todays world of programming are learning new and better and more effective ways of programming and they but heads because they didn't want to pick up what he was putting down.. or something. I hope its the first. That is to say if I even get a reply to my email that I have not yet sent. I don't know how to write cover letters. They didn't ask for one but I think every resume should have one because.. because. por que. I decided to learn spanish this year. I think that means because and but why with a ?... i think.


Anyways. So I finished my resume and I really have to say.. I'm proud of myself. It looks pretty good. And that's something. i usually hate everything I do even if others find it good or even impressive. But this is pretty good. I don't like the bottom where my contact info is but as a whole.. pretty good is good enough.. for now. I am on a deadline that i made for myself since i dont want that job to go away. I have a few others to also apply to but not as good. still good though. they are all computer related so that's good. I also applied to costco just because they have benefits.


i also made a mobile version of my site. Not completely done but looking good.Have a few things to work out.




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[1784] Sh!t Talking?

Hold on to your hats kids! Today we are shit talking up a storm. If they accuse you of it why not just do it. Thats a terrible motto dont listen to it.. but it works for me right now...


dont read this it is just me venting about my stupid family.


Oh.. watch out for spelling errors there's a lot as I am on my phone again. or was for some of it. it was written at like 4 million different times so i could do something more productive. like the topic of the next entry.



We were supposed to go up to Tehachapi for my grandpa's birthday and give him his gift. But my aunt sent me a bunch of immature texts saying I was "shit talking" to my grandma and threated to fight me. She is in her 40's. Haha. First of all, all i said to grandma was that we were coming up and asked who woild be there and she said suzy and jay would be gone. Yes I can see how that would be taken as shit talk. haha Second, grow up! You are 40 something years old! What 40 year old threatens their 27 year old neice for allegedly "shit talking"? What sane person does that? At least have a legitamite reason if you insist on being a violent person.


SIDE NOTE: I am so sick of people threatening violence for stupid reasons. Like Jason threatening tim because we got in his "business". We did nothing. I "got" in his business and its only because him and his "business" were humping like freaking rabbits at 3:30 in the morning and sneaking out before my mother wakes up.. THEN going to church and letting her talk them up about doing it right and taking it slow. such hypocrites. And "getting in his business" really translates to 1 unplanned comment about why she was going home at so early (at like 4) when every other night she stayed much later (right before my mom wakes up). I said "oh you are arent staying the night?" I was in the middle of coding for hours and it just came out but i dont care i would have said it again given the chance because it was a valid question when you're being so freaking shady and two-faced. He looks at me like I just told her I'm going to take her dog out back and slit its throat while she watches... and says "what the hell is wrong with you"... you. i said "what's wrong with me? It was just a question".  I should have said "you.. you're a hypocrite." I could care less if they have sex but dont lie to your mother and let her boast about your "apiphany" and "purity" and this and that when you are none of those things. I would be disowned if i was having sex before marriage IN my mothers house. And i basically was because they "thought" i was having sex and wasnt and i wasnt even living at home. I got shit for an assumption. This is fact. Nothing but facts have been against him and she STILL refuses to see it. She does not listen to anything anyone says about him unless he says it. (Me and manuel told her he was having sex with cambria and she wouldnt liste.. and what? oh thats right he was. And if i had said he was doing it with alicia she wouldnt have believed me until he said it and in fact i think i did say i thought they were and i think she did deny it. and when I tell her I HEARD them having sex she actually tells me "well maybe he's mad because you said his VIRGIN gf is having sex".. she said it with emphasis on virgin. And like an attitude like I was in the wrong for even saying such a thing.. like i should be ashamed and like just because this tart she ahs known for 5 minutes told her something that goes against what I told her.. then i must be lying. Well fuck her and her constant lack of faith in my words. In the end i always turn out to be right and they just neglect to remember that simple fact... ) And he just thinks he can do whatever he wants and let people think the world of him. Have his cake and eat it too.  And he does it with every girlfriend. And in her house. Its gross. Go to her place. You are almost 30 and not married.. its probably because you keep doing it the same WRONG way every time but who cares about that. just dont lie about it. at least go to her place.... and if you cant go to her place because her mommy and daddy are home then she is probably too young for you you sick pervert piece of shit. Tim and I are so disgusted at him. Tim wants nothing to do with him and doesn't even like him as a person before this all happened. he said he tolerated him because he is my family but he is boring and arrogant. But now add disgusting to the list. we both think he's only putting on this charade to get into this chicks pants just like all the other too-young-for-him girls he's dated. Then he screws it up and they realize how not worth their time he is and he turns into an asshole and then he meets some other chick he wants to stick it in and acts like Mr. Christian. Right before we moved last time he showed just how arrogant he was. No one can say anything against him. He doesn't ever apologize without a but. He says whatever the hell he wants. And then turns around and puts it all on you somehow. He's the worst person. Next to my mother. I don't like calling her that anymore. I will refer to them as X1 and X2 from now on. Because they have been X'ed out. I will never forgive them or accept them into my life anymore. and Tim is content with my decision. so much more to say but i don['t like thinking about shitty people for too long and i have 4 more to go before this entry is behind me for good.


She [suzy] is the most ridiculous person I've ever known. Not including 4/5 of her evil children and X1 and X2. My grandma didn't know she said it before I told her.. of course she didn't because suzy has to keep her angle side towards everyone else. When i told my grandma she sounded stressed out about the situation. She told me to ignore her and I do but i take threats seriously as anyone should and suzy is a freaking nut case. I don't know what she is capable of. I'm not worried about her kicking ass lol I'm more worried about her fighting dirty and stabbing or shooting me. Not lying.. she's been to jail. A lot. Her whole life. And recently. Tim says she is too unpredictable to expect rational behavior. This is the type of person she is. Plus the double standards don't end with my mom in my family. i dont solve problems by fighting.. but if suzy were to try to fight me and I hurt her defending myself.. people would flip out. Yet.. if she hurt me.. it wouldn't make a bit of difference. We wanted a nice afternoon with my grandparents and it turned into a possible Jerry springer show.. because i actually care about my grandparents and do not want to cause them stress unlike these vultures I told her we would come another time. I think it's funny how she started this feud because of something that never happened. She said I made grandma cry. when she said that I told her that if that were true I'd apologize to grandma the next day.. for a normal person that would have been sufficient but she isn't a normal sane person and she didn't hate me for a valid reason. she was just using that as an excuse to join the ranks of her nasty children who are just as evil as her. When I asked my grandma about it she had no idea what suzy was talking about and said she was making stuff up. She only wanted to be mad at me so she could talk shit about me with her terrible kids. Here's a snap shot of why her kids are crazy....


Corina told me she wanst talking to manuel and when I asked her why she told me that he molested her best friends little sister. now I cannot even look at him without wanting to punch him or puke all over him. He knows what happened to me and others in our family and he still could do something like that. unreal. It makes me literally sick. That is why I don't speak to him. But if you can believe it he is actually the best of the worst. Haha. At least he isn't a jerk.. He knows we don't talk and probably knows why by now and he seems to respect that I just can't deal with him. Plus he also talks crap that isn't true. He told everyone I tricked tim into marrying me. I had a new boyfriend and tim contacted me and tried to get back togetther with me and asked me to marry him. so yeah. makes no sense. I mean if they insist on making up lies about me at least make up something that could be true.  Plus the whole letting my mom and brother believe I stole from them when it was him. And as a thank you for driving him everywhere I am 98% sure he was hiding his weed in my car somewhere because it ALWAYS smelled like pot and I never smoked pot. And everyone always thought I did because I realized i started smelling like my car. Maybe he isn't the best of the worst after all.


Alisha used us and got what she wanted and I forgave her.. and everything was fine. all it took was 1 apology and bygones were bygones and we were laughing and having fun again within minutes. Then she did it AGAIN! Gets exactly what she needs out of us and a new ipod to boot and then blows me off. I cannot get ahold of her when we had made plans and i was just trying to confirm for my friends to buy her a ticket or not and my friends were thinking I'm the flake. And it pissed me off because the last time she said she was sorry and i really thought she was and she said "lets never fight again" .. uh ok well stop using me and we will stip fighting. I wouldn't care if she didn't want to go but freaking SAY something. But i decided during the week we were up there looking for a place to live and talking to my aunt suzy that I could probably give her another chance.. but before I could even do anything about that.. being the conniving pathological liar she is.. she waits till she gets my husband alone (the one day I am not up there with him and she just happens to pick that day to come over and make a point of seeing him before he leaves) to ask him to work on her car.  He said it was so obviously contrived. He told me he told her she had to apologize to me first. And when she said "ok" he asked if she was just saying that so he'd work on her car or really wanted to.. and she gave a bs story about how she planned on it. Bull. She has never been the one to own up and apologize. You have to drag it out.. but not only that you have to be sweet about it.. like nursing a baby bird. And act like you were at fault.. for her faulting you in the first place... uhg. Like someone punches you in the face after you gave them some money or helped them somehow and then runs away and you have to go find them, make sure they are in a god mood though, and not be mad but say something like "I'm so sorry I made you punch me in the face but do you see how it was like not cool?" Its annoying. If someone punches you in the face you are mad and you expect THEM to fix it. Especially when you did nothing to deserve it. Geez. Just be a decent person.. how hard is that? But of course she never contacts me. So i of course as usual end up contacting her. And it's going ok and then she turns psycho again saying she is busy and doesn't have time for this. Um if you are so fucking busy why are you on Facebook? Like I'm a fucking mind reader and knew she was at work. And by the way you aren't like in charge of chemical warfare you work at PIZZA HUT! 'you;re right. im so sorry you better get back to work you dont want the pizzas to get cold'... She was talking to me for 10 minutes and never mentioned being at work. I'm not irrational. I would have reserved the conversation for a better time. But no she flips out of out nowhere and I'm like whoa wtf and she's all bitchy and then I'm all bitchy back and then she plays the victim. Like always. So sick of it. I was about to give her another chance even though she didn't deserve it because she never made any efforts so that tim could fix her stupid car and we could be cool again but she flips out. not my problem. I did what i can do. what else other than bending over can be done to mend the situation? Nothing. Anyways, I'm not worried about it anymore but this is the shit talk entry so I'm just going to keep telling it how it is. There is so much more to that but this is the condensed sitd version of why alisha is an asshole.


Corina might be the craziest bitch of them all. Nevermind thats suzy hands down. But she's a close runner up for sure. I had been talking to her more and for Christmas last year I basically used my whole vacation just looking for vinyl records because that's what she wanted. I found one at tim's mom's and one at his dads. One was pink floyd and then led zeppelin?  they were really cool. Old and original. So angry about it now. Wish I would have kept them or just not have taken them. His parents were so nice to let us digg through all their stuff for hours and let us have them. and now it's like we threw them away. Anyways I had also asked her things like what her plans were. And she said she wanted to be an ultrasound technician (or sonogram or whatever it was she wanted to do. one of those.) But that there are only schools in Lancaster and bakersfield. Later she posted on fb that she wanted to get out of tehachapi. So knowing we'd be going to bakersfield for at least 6 months (turned into 5) I told her she could live with us and go to school and not worry about rent. Unless she had a job and wanted to. She sounded interested. Then as it got closer to go to bakersfield I would try to get in touch with her and she blew me off. I wanted to know if she was coming or not. Didnt care which but i wanted to figure out what to bring or leave at my moms. Like my drum set or the bigger desk and guitars blah blah blah. Because they wouldn't fit with all her stuff in there. She didn't have a phone at the time so I understood at first but then after telling grandma to tell her to call me and then her posting time and time again for months on Fb and "seeing" my messages and not responding.. I started to get like.. um. Why is she avoiding me? Finally I get ahold of her and ask her why she avoided me and stuff and she right off the bat has a horrible horribls attitude the whole time. She says she thought I would get mad. I asked what would make her think that? I said we have nothing to lose its you alone who would be gaining.. We'd actually much prefer making the extra room an office and keep our privacy but we were trying to be nice and do you a favor because you're family. And she just kept insisting that I would have that reaction and it wasn't possible that i wouldn't... I said when have I ever done something like that that would make you think I would have that sort of reaction? And she avoided the question because there is no time. And just eventually said well that's what I thought blah blah blah. I know its probably because she hadn't gotten her GED like she said she would and just didn't want to admit it. That was her plan before she came to stay with us. But instead of being rightfully disappointed in herself she deflects her anger in herself onto me. Their family has a huge problem with confrontation and blaming others for their behavior. Dude, you blew me off and sabotaged your ability to go to school.. you did that. not me.. but somehow you turned it around to where I am the jerk? I never said anything about her having to come or else.. that doesn't even make sense. It's her own insecurities about actually doing something with her life. They all sit up their in their bubble because they think that's the best they can do and they are comfortable in their ways they don't even want to better themzwlves. I tried to help out. (And it wasn't in a condescending you need me way. I hate when people do that. But even then I don't think a lot of people mean to do that when they do it and if I need something and someone is offering i usually take them up on it even if they do sound a little like its more for them than for me. but this wasn't like that. I made sure of that. we had nothing to gain. It was offered in love. It was offered because its what she said she wanted and we just happened to be in the right place at the right time to offer such a situation.) But would I have been offended? No. Would I have tried to convince her to stay with us? No but if she had been honest with me and wanted me tobe honest with her I would have told her she should go with someone and somehow whether it was to bakersfield or lancaster. Wherever. Just go to school and as soon as possible. And left it at that. She didn't give me a chance to be ok with it. she assumed my reaction and judged me for it. A figment of her self deprecating imagination. I thought the conversation was ending good after we sorted that out though but it wasnt. She didn't want things to be good. Suzy had snuck in by then and told her the lie about grandma or maybe it was alisha who fed her misinformation. who knows.. but she used suzy's lie to be upset at me. I told her it wasn't even true and look at her source. She was also having problems with her mom and sister and brother so it seemed weird she would believe them about something about me. She should know better than anyone how crazy they are. In fact thats how things turned.. we supposedly fixed things and then i said something like well anyways.. how things were going or something like that. and she said blah blah blah and something about her mom and sister being crazy. I said know what you mean or something agreeing with her without flat out saying yeah those bitches are crazy. And she freaks out.. like how dare i agree with her that he sister and mom are crazy. only she can think that and i am much much crazier.. because i hurt grandma. First of all no one has stressed out or hurt grandma more than suzy and these unappreciative assholes. No one. She raised them and gives them EVERYTHING they need and they shit all over her. They use her and disappoint her. They cause all this stress for no reason. They do drugs, party and get drunk, sleep around and keep leeching when this should be the time when grandma and grandpa get to spend time together alone. It should be their time but its all about these idiots and their needs because they cant ... no.. they WONT get their shit together and provide for themselves. Its laughable that they are so desparate for a reason to hate me that theyd make up something that even if it had been true wouldnt even come close to a 10th of the bullshit they put grandma through. It was just disappointing because we thought she was different. That's why tim was actually as happy as I was when we found those records for her and when we invited her to stay with us. But she's a freaking nut. By the end of the conversation she was going off into the abyss.  She started just telling me lie after lie about myself.. like I lost my virginity in a car and that tim didn't know I had sex with that jason guy before we got back together  (or maybe she was saying he still didn't know) and how unchristian of me. And all sorts of things. Um well i did not lose it in a car. I had sex 1 time in my life before tim (while we were broken up) and it was in a bed thanks. We did make out in his car who hasn't cmon.  And tim knew about absolutely everything before we got back together, actually he knew about it before i broke up with that guy because i wrote about it in here. not only did i not hide it from tim i didn't feel the need to hide it from anyone. Its not like a was a slutty slut face that had a history of sleeping around.. i thought tim was gone for good. i thought this new person might turn into something special. I even told my mom right away. So thanks.. But you are insane . Then she started saying how I don't have a job making it like so terrible that I haven't gotten a job.. um I wasn't even looking! Life has been way too crazy this year. Firrst with the constant renovations on the condo and then it was my job to find tenants and write up the lease and clean it before they came and a million other things that make up being a new landlord.Then i couldnt since we were moving to bakersfield. then in bakersfield i was dealing with health issues and tenants water heater and our own water heater and dealing with the terrible apartment management people.  It was also MY job to pack and unpack the 5!!! times we moved in the last 6 months... I didn't have time for a job. I didn't want a job. But she's trying to rub it in my face.. and the best part is.. she works at a pizza place just like alisha! haha. Then later, because she is a hypocrite, she is saying she doesn't need money to be happy but I do. We went back and forth  saying the most hurtful things we could think of. Difference is her stuff was all lies (except that i am in fact unemployed at the moment) and everything i said was fact. When she started getting really nasty and telling me that it is too late for me [to do anythjng with my life - I'm 27!] but she is young and has all the time jn the world and blah blah blah just being ridiculously hideous.. i was like thats it.. i pretty much said no dear.. we are breaking even at the moment but I'm still happier than you because you are alone, work at a pizza place, and don't have a high school edudation. I might not have a job but at least I've attended college and have only worked at places that didn't require me to wear a hair net. I didnt say this but i should have.... I probably madr more than shes made in her entire working life just at my last job alone. Maybe last 2 jobs. Maaaaaaaaybe but thats being optimistic. She didn't know when to quit. She, just like her mother, started it but i definitely ended it. She was defeated and I told her to leave me alone and she just kept going. Trying desperately to find something she had over me. But the only thing in this particular moment is a job but that's just not somewhere to be bragging about.


Suzy started this whole recent mess by commenting on one of my fb posts. I said something about how people make mistakes but its the ones that lie aabout them that you should probably stay away from. i said it because our friend sal had said a really terrible thing about tim almost every time we were over there and at first i thought i was hearing wrong or he meant something else but after the 4th and 5th times i knew he did not mean it as a joke. He didn't jsut say it when i was around but in front of his wife too (who denies hearing it even though every time he would say it she would give me a look like "idk why he said that"). I decided to confront him after the most recent time he said it and he denied it and we decided to go our separate ways. That's what the post was about. but suzy takes this opportunity to trash me in front of my friends and says "that's funny coming from you". I sent her a private message asking why she would say that. She didn't respond. I asked her again and again and when she finally answered she just started trashing me. With lies and insults that werent true. Like I forced tim to marry me (again) and that i forced him to have the 5th anniversary party. Actually i didn't want that stupid party. it was my mothers idea and tim talked ME into it. I told them both i was too stressed out with moving and stuff to add a party too. Then she just started saying mean things when I was trying to have a rational conversation. She wouldn't answer questions or give reasons for her sudden turn to the dark side. Just one lie and attack after another. So there was nothing more to do but defend and attack back. Yeah yeah I could have blocked her right then and there and just not given her the satisfaction. But I was too angry at her. She had no reason to be doing what she was doing. We had a really nice week together looking for places and talking and I felt like we really bonded. But now I realize it was all fake from day one. I don't get why though. She tried to find out bits of information about why i wasnt talking to manuel and alisha and i was always honest with her. She understood about manuel. and when she talked about alisha i didn't say anything negative against her because i never wished her bad fortune.. i just didn't think she was a nice person and didn;t want her in my life. She [suzy] even drove me down to the metrolink and i thought that was really nice of her and felt bad that we didnt have time to go to eat and that i didn't have more money to give her for gas but i don't like traveling without cash I've done it before and wound up stranded so i saved some. I didn't even give some to the begger kid and I ALWAYS give money to homeless people and stuff. Tim says I do it too much. But i needed it, its not safe or smart to travel without cash. i didn't think she minded though.. she said dont worry about it. and she looked hapy as she waved goodbye. i was happy too. Sometime after my party or maybe before i forget.. we were still looking for places to live in bakersfield. we couldnt find anything and tim was driving back and forth from my moms since he said it was pretty much the same as driving from tehachpi and there was just no room over there and he said he missed me. We haven't spend more than a couple days apart since we met with the exception of 2 weeks when we first met and then when he stayed at my grandmas and/or joeys 2 nights in a row this year... plus we were trying not to overstay our welcome. When we were there suzy and jay let us use their room and they slept on the couches. we felt terrible. especially tim. Then since its hard looking for a place when you arent in that place we planned to come up again. but i needed a car. if tim drove the car to work and i was to meet him in bakersfield to so that we could look after he got off work and he wouldnt have to drive an hour to pick me up and an hour back and then back again. i could just be there when he got off work and we could look together because we were having no luck separately. I called grandma and asked if we could borrow her or grandpas car. she said she likes having a car there for emergencies (agreed) and that the other car was with alisha. i asked if it was possible to get it so i can use it just for one evening since it was kind of important and alisha could probably find a ride or she could take her or she could literally walk because tehachapi is so freaking small.  She was basically just saying idk and saying but not saying saying no and I was upset. I asked how long alisha had it and it was something ridiculous like over a month or months and grandma said it was just until she got her car fixed but she hadnt let jay come over to look at it. and i said well obviously because if he fixes her car then she has to give you back yours. I said what do I have to do for you to put me before them for once, just once? its one day. Do i have to do drugs and sleep around and i forget what i said but something about just be crazy like they all are. And she said something like dont say that its not like that. And I said it was. And i was like nevermind I'll figure something out bye and hung up. I told my mom and calmed down and called her back and apologized either that night or the next day but i think that night and she told me not to be sorry. she said she was sorry because i was right and that alisha was deliberately not letting jay look at the car. but if she didn't let him fix it soon she would just tell her to give the car back and i think she said she would figure out if i could get the car that day but at that point i was over asking her for help. i told her its fine and tim just looked alone the next million days. Its this conversation suzy referenced when saying i made grandma cry. Grandma says it isnt true. She said she wasnt even in the same room as her she went outside to talk on the porch or something. Grandma said she wasnt even upset. She's not mad about grandma being upset and crying.. she's mad because her kid was using grandma and grandpa and I called her out and they hate being called out. And she probably told alisha and alisha told corina and they all think I'm so terrible because i tell the truth and point out when someone is TAKING ADVANTAGE of our grandma. They want to point fingers and say i made her upset when thats all they do. They probably were mad because grandma made jay go look at her car finally and he fixed it and they were probably just hoping for grandma to forget and wait until she just considered it alishas car. thats what they do. they take ownership of things in manipulative ways. How many cars has suzy gotten out of them.. and they get all weird that my mom has the house for such cheap rent. um you guys dont even pay ANY rent. and grnadma and grandpa havent fixed anything in that house like real landlords would... she the tenant has to pay for it all herself when something breaks. and everything is breaking. If suzy had that house it would be a bloody mess. like unliveable. and she would probably have like all her bummy friends living there too. itd be one big squatting house full of drugs and partying and general juvenile stuff. suzy has gotten everything from my grandparents and still complains. Her kids follow suit. Grandparents should be there for their family but they suck them dry and spit out the bones. I ask for a favor one day and it wasnt cool because alishas trying to pull a fast one and grandma wasnt quick to catch on until i told her what was up.


If she had been a big girl and said "i dont think it was cool that you told grandma she should get alishas car fixed " (ask ridiculous as that sounds).. I would have said "well doesn't alisha want her car fixed?" she would say either "yes" to which i would say "so whats the problem?" and she would say somethig that would yeild the same answer as if she said no (but she wouldnt just say no.. that's way too honest for these people) and I would say "i regret nothing".


It's annoying because I felt bad about the things I said to suzy during her random attack. But at the same time I didn't do anything. I should be able to defend myself when people just come out and attack me and lie about me and start talking shit to me.. do people really expect me just to be like 'oh yes that lie you are telling is so true. Tell me more.' Tim says I feel bad because I am a good person and they said lies and don't feel bad because they arent. Maybe but it doesn't change that I feel bad even if what i said was all true. But i don't want to because I don't think I should. And I have contradictory feelings about it.. Part of me feels bad but part of me really doesn't. I am a very forgiving person and if I were to get an apology it would be over and I would apologize for the things I said too. But I'm not apologizing when I didn't start it and when they are still spreading the lies. I might be able to apologize for my part if I knew they had any shred of decency in them and knew how wrong they were for starting this shit in the first place. And I'd like to hear them say one thing I've said about them that wasn't true. Sorry the truthhurts. Not my fault, its not my truth, it's yours.


Its not me that wanted it to be like this. I was on good terms with Corina and Suzy. I didn't even get mad when they told me all month they were coming to my 5th year wedding anniversary party and then Corina waits till a couple days before to say she isn't because she has to work.  (god forbid someone else attends to the pizzas) But I never said anything about it, i was fine. I didn't even think of it again until i realized she was going out of her way to avoid me. And suzy jusy flat out didn't show up. She didn't even give an excuse or call me to say happy anniversary. I asked her on again off again bf Jay why she didnt come and he said her hip was hurting her. (And he kept saying that i should call her. Um no I am at a party for me... I'm busy worrying about the people who actually are here or show interest in me.. but if she called me i would be more than happy to talk to her. Just like i was happy when one of my friends called to say she couldn't make it.) Then i asked grandma and she said she had a migraine. right. But i didn't even get mad. I just let myself assume one of those was true and never mentioned it.




It just makes me want to take the present i got my grandpa back and that makes me sad. But my grandma always puts them first.. I mean she said something surprising on the phone after i told her what suzy said.. first she tried to take on the blame just like my mother does with jason (hmm wonder where she get sit... i so hope i break the nasty cycle of favortism and double standards with my children someday) and said how its her fault because she said "i know you guys dint get along so can you leave while they come over" and she said suzy got mad and she eventually just told them to get out or something. I'm not sure if they listened. I really dont think any of them EVER listen to what grandma wants. But then my grandma said "well i am going to tell her not to text that stuff to you and if she does she can just move out". I was shocked. I don't really believe it but just to hear it was shocking. I was proud of my grandma for being so confident and it felt nice that she at least wanted to stick up for me. Ive always felt like I'm the black sheep. Like she puts me last. Because she kind of has. Even my cousins renee and erycka would joke "grandma hates you" and we'd laugh but it stung a little because i felt it was true. she wouldn't let me live with her when I needed a place when it was just 1 other person there because she insisted there was no room. but now she has suzy jay manuel his gf and their baby and a dog all living there. I felt like if one more person turned against me i would just crack and i expected it.. but she didn't. she understood me. But even so, I am still torn about the gift. I just know that with manuel and suzy in that house if they get a glimpse of my present for grandpa they will steal it or just outright take it from him. For themselves or pawn it. Or someday when he passes away it will somehow be given to one of them instead of back to us. It doesn't need to go to us.. I don't care if they gave it to a stranger on the street but Tim and I both don't want anything they own to be from us. ever. Tim's actually really stressed about it. He probably wants to return it more than I do. I asked my grandma if my grandpa had any doctor appointments coming up and she said no. I told her to let me know when and she said we can meet in the parking lot after.. kind of sucks. Like I know grandpa hates leaving the house and he isn't going to want to be in a parking lot for more than the amount of time it takes to get in the car and fasten his seat belt. I wanted to sit down with him and show him everything he can do with it. Something i thought would bring us together. we have nothing in common. and i thought this would be something nice we could share. a nice memory. i dont have many with him and its really been bugging me. and i want him to know how much i love him even if i get all weird around him. i never know what to say. and he can never hear anything i am saying. Anyways her saying we could just meet in the parking lot after kind of hurt because its like all its about is the gift. not the time spent together. i mean it works for me. or worked for me when i was younger. but i see the value in spending time with people because i see how much it means to them and it does end up meaning a lot to me. its hard for me in the moment. but its worth it. idk. i almost felt like saying how about we just mail it. maybe i did say that. not sure. i dont think so. i honestly think i will just return it or if we cant then sell it. i wonder if my grandma would still be understanding of me if i didn't come with a gift. (not saying what it is so they dont know what to look for if i did give it to him)



And now that that is all out of my system. I can forget these stupid jerks.



396 hit(s) (0 comments) | pee in my bucket  
[1783] DO
Listening to: Jefri snorting while we sleeps
Feeling: thankful

Merry Christmas. It didn't feel like Christmas this year. It never really does. But it started to once we got the package from Tim's mom with our gifts last week. She always gets me the best gifts. She really tries to figure out what I would really like. She got me a juicer (which I've been wanting) and really cute grey with pink and green striped pajamas and pink and green socks :) She knows I love pink and green. Oh yeah and $50! Then Tim's grandma gave us $100 each! I'm still not used to it. I feel weird every time they give me money. But it also makes me feel good. Like part of the family.

Tim got me a video camera! I mentioned a while ago that I wanted one for the obvious reason.. for the future when/if we have babies, for trips, etc. but more specifically to use to record myself practice monolouges. Its a touch screen! It is also super light. I love it! He also got me a wireless speaker. Its really cool because i was using our old wired speakers all the time and its a pain because the cords get tangled and look ugly. I made french toast and cheese eggs for a late breakfast and then for dinner I cooked a tiny ham, mashed potatoes and green bean casserole while Timmy watched the nuggets game. Then we played Black Ops and after that we watched the newest Wolverine movie. We're always #1 and #2 when we play together.


I've been getting the urge to play Kingdom Hearts agaiin lately. I never finished it.


Tim went to bed because he has to get up early but I wasnt tired so i was going to try to figure out once and for all what language to learn (or learn more). I had a million pages open of all sorts of forums for programmers giving all sorts of advice. But i think this poster pretty much sums up my hesitation thus far:


"I think this whole idea that the first language you use can "corrupt" you or something is an overblown myth created by Dijkstra's offhand comment "It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration". That was a tongue-in-cheek comment bashing the language itself. People have taken it to mean "OMG I DONT WANT TO LOSE MY VIRGIINITY 2 DA WRONG LANGUAGE!" Then the programming community makes it worse by making someone who played around with BASIC feel bad about it by rolling out Dijkstra's stupid quote all the time.

I suggest learning any language that's practical, but keep an open mind."


That was exactly my dilema. I've been so worried I would choose wrong that I haven't chosen anything. This is actually a problem I have with most decisions. I need to often remind myself to stop worrying and asking why or why not and just DO. SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I was talking to Tim about this a couple days ago about a different problem but same situation.. and he said pretty much that I need to try and its okay if I fail. He said he doesn't understand my fear of failure. And he brought up the quote about Micheal Jordan and failure. "I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeeded." I knew the quote because it was on the bathroom wall at OFL. Its hard to apply it to yourself though. It really does take a strong person to keep telling the world off and saying "yes I know you think I am that and all evidence points to that but i am actually this even though you have no proof". I'm working on not caring about what people think. I'm no psychologist but if I had to guess.. I would say my fear of failure has to do with nothing ever being good enough for my mother.. her always choosing to defend and glorify everyone, especially Jason, even complete strangers over me. I would say that probably has at least something to do with it.


Back to programming: I have a new hero. Ada Lovelace. Apparently she is allegedly the very first programmer.. ever. A girl! That's inspiring. I just read that little bit about her but I want to learn more about her. She will most likely become a new obsession.


So about what language to learn next... I think I might just dive right into C++. I know HTML5, CSS, JavaScript and some PHP. I was considering learning and being as comfortable and competent with PHP as possible before learning C++ but.. honestly I've forgotten a lot of what I learned about PHP.. i took the class too long ago and everyone says its really easy to go from C++ to PHP.. but theres a lot of different views on going from PHP to C++. One person said that going from C++ to PHP would be really difficult. or unnecessarily difficult. And others said it would make it easier. My question though is.. if in fact it would make it more difficult going from PHP to C++.. would that be more difficult than just learning C++ without any programming knowlege at all? I'm thinking any knowledge at all of a language somewhat close would bring something good to the table. And I don't think I've gotten deep enough into PHP to really have picked up any "bad habits". I don't think it matters.. I guess I'll just learn C++ based on the comment above and another stating that if you ever for any reason want to code more than web pages.. learn C++ first. My worry is perhaps I've gottent too comfortable in the development world that if I wander too far into programming land my head will explode and body will turn into mush.



There was a really good job at princess cruises a few weeks ago. They dont have it posted anymore though.. it would have been perfect.



In other news I've really enjoyed having Jefri around. He's been staying at my moms.. we chose to leave him there when we went to Bakersfield for 5 months because she has a big back yard and he likes to sit under the rose bushes. But being out there all day meant he was isolated most of the time. And Jefri isn't like other buns. He is used to attention. Even when we moved back to my moms last month it was hard spending time with him since he was outside all day. But since we moved into this place I've had him in his small cage in the kitchen because its too cold outside.. I've been  worried he'll miss being able to run around on the grass at my moms but i think he prefers our company more. Yesterday he was making scary breathing noises so i scratched his head for almost an hour. He was so relaxed he fell asleep and started snoring. I do wish he had some grass to play in though. I might try to make a grass patch for the porch but I need plastic crates and I cannot find them anywhere.



541 hit(s) (1 comments) | pee in my bucket  
[1782] Under the Hood

I swear I am not this self absorbed in person.. but this is a diary... so its okay...


Its not secret, well on here, that I struggle with depression. For years it had just been my default mode. Not just years but ever since I could remember. Even before Jay. I wasn't happy, I had happy moments even months or years at a time. I think that some of the best times of my life were around 10th and 11th grade. Knowing Jenae. I was close to Vannessa too but it was too hard with her. And she was a back stabber and a liar. I guess Jenae was too in the end. If she wasn't we'd still be friends. Forever my ass. But was easy with Jenae.. and then it was gone. I don't get what happened. Oh well. I got really reallly depressed immediately after we left our church and started going to Vineyard. But then i started coming out of it and things were going so well. I didn't like vineyard but i made some friends and then we went to Sanctuary and I made even more. And I was truly happy. And no one thought i was weird in a bad way. Everyone thought i was unique and funny and interesting. Because I think I was. But its okay to be that way when you are younger.. it wasn't the fact that i was young that made me who I was then. It was just who I was and it didn't change. Everything around me did and it was like overnight it just became a bad thing to be weird. To be me. Which was why I started becoming depressed again after leaving Saugus. Until Tim. But it hasn't gone away completely. It never does. Because even when I have friends, best friends, I feel isolated. Does everyone feel this? Do you every really feel close to someone? And feel like they know you and you know them or not only that but you are just completely comfortable being who you are around them? The only person I've felt that way with is Tim.


People would never guess I suffered from chronic depression because I come off as such a happy person. Most people who meet me don't think "She has aspergers" they think "She has ADHD or she is high drunk or crazy". When I am none of those.. well I actually do think I have ADHD in addition to my AS after some research avout commorbity with AS but I degress.....  In some areas I was happy. Overall I couldn't handle anything.. and i know now a lot of it was due to not knowing about my AS and not getting the help I needed. But lately.. and by lately I mean this last year or so.. I was really starting to feel a little better. No pills required. In fact. I haven't taken anti depressants for probably over a year.. maybe more. I forget. And at first it got worse. But then I started feeling better. Lately, as in the last month or 2 or 3.. but especially in the last 2 weeks.. I am spiraling again.. as Timmy's termed it. I know that when more than 1 thing goes wrong its too much for me.. and then another and I panic and i simply cannot look at positives.. everything feels like a weight attached to my heels pulling me under water. And for good reason. Its not just irrational thoughts of self infliction. These are facts. Which is why its so easy to fall into the neverending spiral to my most pathetic place. Yes, Tim's new job is wonderful and will be great in the future. In the very near future even.. in 6 months he will be able to transfer to a higher paying job. But right now we are struggling financially.. and its because of me. I've been out of work 2 years. I've had only a few very very small projects/jobs to bring in some money in that time. I feel guilty for quitting my job at [insert reputable ad agency business here that i dont want to mention because i dont want anyone searching that company and finding me just for the sake of anonymity.] I was making over $21 at the easiest job I've ever had. Yeah I would have had to wuit anyways when we moved but that was at least a year off. When I was working we saved SO MUCH money. Now I feel terrible for buying groceries. I cannot get a job and its because i dont have a BS in computer science or in anything. I dont even have an associates. but there is no money for that right now. So of course its a never ending catch 22. It is my fault we can't have kids. I can't figure out what is wrong with me and neither can doctors. It is because of me that we will be getting even less every month now since he started getting benefits and dependants are expensive. he says it is worth it.



382 hit(s) (0 comments) | pee in my bucket  
[1781] Duck Duck.. Goose?

One day I looked around my figurative self and realized I was surrounded.. i was living in a dynasty of ducks and i didn't even know it! This would have been a story of my literal self had I been in a Wal-Mart.


I've discovered I must be THE one Christian in the world who does NOT watch the Duck Dynasty. I'm sure its a great show.. for some reason… but I don't like it… I tried a couple times and it was so terribly boring I wanted to punch a hole in my face crawl inside and die. And possibly because I like ducks more than beards..


Anyways.. as I have seen so freaking much of Phil something or other said this and that all over my feed and the internet and in smoke signals in the sky... I decided to see what exactly this guy said. Apparently he said being gay is a sin. And listed it with a bunch of other sins.. k. I don't see why this is cause for such commotion. I mean he didn't just say this all nimbly bimbly... he was asked a question and gave his honest opinion. I don't see why people are getting so worked up… the gay+ community made and continues to make a fuss about their opinions.


I personally think both sides are stupid - and as a Christian I think its Christians who are being just a little more stupid. And I would probably get boos from both sides but I don't hate anyone here I just think they [read: everybody] need to shut up and like get over themselves.


[Certain] Gays are stupid for getting mad at opposing opinions… isn't that what you were fighting for? The freedom to have an opinion? Or did you want to limit that just to fit your own needs? I'd like to think not all gays are that self absorbed. In fact I know they aren't because I know many who are a lot better people than some of the Christians I've known.


And [certain] Christians are stupid for being so narrow minded. So what that the bible says homosexuality is a sin... It says a lot of things are a sin but I'm sure a lot of the Christians pointing the finger at gays are not perfect. The bible says all sin is the same in Gods eyes. So what you saw your gay neighbor being gay. He saw you cheating on your wife, or being disrespectful to your parents or flipping off that guy who cut you off, and HATING him, a child of God, for being gay. The bible says GOD will judge sin.. that's not our job. Why are Christians so concerned about these strangers going to heaven or hell.. yes the later is tragic but you cannot save everyone and there are BETTER WAYS to go about it. Try loving people. Start with gays. And if you hate them so much that isn't an excuse either.. the bible says love your enemy. I don't get all these Christians quoting the bible and leaving that bit out. Gods word is LOVE, thats it. That should be number one.


The above rant on Christians isn't directed at the Phil guy for what he said... I think he should be allowed to have an opinion. But he should have been a little smarter in his delivery. Easier said than done most of the time. This is directed at all the bloody comments supporting him with HATE. I think it was stupid for whatever network they are on.. i dont even remember as, again, I dont watch the show.. but i think it was ridiculous for them to suspend him from the show. Peoples anger shouldn't be about Christian vs homosexuals etc.. they should be outraged that we aren't able to speak our minds. Especially about things like this that I'm sure for a guy as old as this dude takes some getting used to.But again, he wasn't slandering gays and calling them names or telling people to rally up and destroy them all.. he simply stated he doesn't get it based on a belief system he's had his whole life. Based on a book written by disciples of God telling him it is a sin. A book this country supported in the beginning but that is fading further into history every day.


Everyone needs to calm the heck down. You're both wrong. Just have your opinions. Be who you want. Worry about where YOU are going here on earth and after and not everyone else's fate. Its THEIRS not yours.


When I vote I will vote for gays to be able to get married. Not because I don't consider it a sin.. I do. But they should be able to excersie their free will as I do.




Be a Christian AND be loving towards homosexuals and transgenders etc.


Be homosexual AND understanding that in order for people to accept your beliefs you must also give them room to have their own.



425 hit(s) (0 comments) | pee in my bucket  
[1780] Handbone

The title is for Tim. An orange peanut?! For me????????????


So we are all moved out of my moms finally. We moved in here on the 10th and things are still in boxes. We have so much STUFF. I feel like a hoarder but I swear we got rid of at least HALF of it before moving out of our condo. Its insane. Most of it is kitchen crap and tools though so its not like its antique bunny heads or beanie babies... My aunt mercy is an actual hoarder. she wont let anyone in her house but my uncle Joel. Tim says at least with all this moving we are weeding out all our junk and getting better at organizing. We also know now what we need and don't need to take out of boxes right away. The more we move the easier it gets.

The place we are in now is ok. Its 2 bedroom 2 bath. Has a private balcony and a garage. I like it mostly except the train is kind of loud. Thats really the only thing I don't like. But it's really close to the freeway which is perfect for tim since he carpools. And we got new carpet and a gas stove... that was huge! I HATE electric stoves and almost all aprtments we looked at have electric even the more expensive 1 bedrooms in valencia...


We were planning to go to visalia for new years and hang out with the guys but i think we might go to Tehachapi for my grandpa's birthday instead. Those guys just dont know how to make plans. we feel like we're bothering them trying to plan something.. we ask what they want to do or if they have any sort of idea and they're like... i'm down for whatever. ok. well. but. We dont live there. Like at least tell us where to meet up... who's house are we driving to? nothing. Plus i'm really excited to give my grandpa his present. i hope he likes it. My grandma says he will. She says hes been trying to go to the computer but doesnt last there very long because his back hurts. I just want him to have something awesome and be excited for a gift for once.


My mom is annoying. I think i already wrote about it.. but she thinks it was her idea. it was not. at all. I had the idea 3 years ago and have been mentioning it every year since and i've been searching for good deals and couldnt find anything. When she mentioned how SHE wanted to get it i was like... wow. ok. well thanks a lot jerk. and she asks if i want to pay for half. and i was like fine. i was pissed but i let it go. i just shot tim a look like 'wtf' and he looked at me like 'i know right'. Then black friday comes and we see a good one for half off but probably more than she wanted to spend.. she was looking for a used or crappy one but this was the best and it was half off. and i was going to call her and ask if she wanted to go half but everything was weird because of the crap with jason. so i decided to wait. but things never got better they just kept getting worse. so there was never a time and eventually tim and i decided not to include them. then she sees me showing my grandma and freaks out. saying i took her idea and she couldnt believe it. We got into a huge fight and i told her how shes got it backwards and she finally stopped bothering me about it. of course when she finally said sorry and she didnt think i was being mean by getting it she didnt explain that to my grandma who heard her freak out. so my grandma just thinks i am a jerk. well maybe not i just called her a little bit ago to make plans and she seemed ok but still sometimes i think she just thinks im completely nuts with all these jerks whispering in her ears.


Speaking of jerks... I don't feel like writing an epic rant about my brother and what an utter and complete asshole he is.. but i will say this. THE WORD IS TAUT. NOT TAUNT. When you tell me that you put up a tarp on the leaking roof and pulled it TAUNT I want to strangle you with your own intestines. I am not a grammer nazi I mean just look at my entries.. I never capitalize and use made up words all the time. But this is not the first time he has said this word incorrectly. He says it often and multiple times in his explainations almost like he thinks it is an impressive word. Saying it with ridiculously accurate pronounciation so that there is no doubt in your mind that the word coming out of his mouth has an N in it. I corrected him 1 time like 6 months ago when he was explaining something I already knew to me (which is like almost every interaction we have - he even explained tubeplus to me when i was the one who showed him.. um.. thanks but go away) and it just did not register. He heard me because he said something flippant about how he doesn't care. But he does because the next time he used the word immediately after being corrected, he used it correctly. But his brain is just to dumb to retain the fact I guess. I just think for someone who uses the word SO freaking often he should KNOW what the heck it means. He's always going on about how smart he is and how great his vocabulary is compared to other people but OH MY GOD it is a 4 letter word, it is not impressive... children know the difference between taut and taunt. And if all of a sudden due to your complete idiocy the tarp just couldn't take it anymore and the universe decided now would be the perfect time for tarps to sprout vocal chords and mouths and it DID taunt you... It would no doubt be to give you the verbal ass beating of a life time explaining the effing difference between these 2 completely different words.


ANYWAYS. That is not why we decided to stop talking to them.. just had to get it off my chest. haha.


We're so relieved to be out of there. I told Tim a week after living there that if I ever suggest it to save some money again to just punch me right in the face. He said ok. haha not really but he agreed we will never move in with them again. Sure it was only about a month and a half if that but it was a month and a half too long. I should have known considering how we left things the last time we were there for the 2 months before moving to Bakersfield for 5 months. uhg moving... we've moved like 4 times in the last 6 months. O.o


When we were picking up the last of our stuff Tim kept walking through the house like 10 times... i told him i think we got everything but he said "I just dont want them to have a single thing of ours"... as he handed me the shower head we bought for the front bathroom. haha. My mom wonders why Tim doesn't feel comfortable saying more than 1 word sentences to her... for starters she treats his wife life crap. He has his own opinions. No one tells him how to feel. It was him that didn't accept Jason's bullshit apology. It was him that took the shower head and it was him who told me he supports whatever decision i make regarding talking to them again or not. Although he doesn't want us to have anything to do with my brother ever again he was willing to give my mom yet another try but I told him I thought things could change but i realize more and more each time how much they wont - and this time the realization was greater than all the rest combined. They do not get it, they do not want to get it. He agreed. He said it was just too late and they were too set in their ways. He said it better but he basically thinks Jason is a control freak and my mom is an enabler. He takes what i feel or think in my head but cannot articulate or express and puts it into words.


Its the 21st and it still doesnt feel like Christmas. Even with our plastic little charlie brown christmas tree and presents from Tim's mom and aunts. This place is great but its like anti decoraty. Theres nowhere to put up stockings. Literally nowhere unless we just randomly nail them to a wall. And our couches are too big for the living room so the configuration they are currently in is all wrong and makes the room all weird.


I kind of want to get one of those video to dvd recorders. I can hook it up to my mac and add menus and stuff. But they're expensive. I'm thinking next year for christmas for grandma and grandpa. I think I could make money turning other peoples movies into dvds too. Just yesterday there was a lady on the scv site asking for someone to do that. a person. probably because Costco is expensive. no one said a person just companies. she probably already knew about those.



I'm HUNGRY. bye.



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[1778] 1 week

Filled with spelling errors because i was on my samsung s4 and havent gotten used to the swipe typing thing.

I dont like who I am when I am in relationship with my family.  Tim said today in the car that I'm a lot happier when we arent. A lot less stressed and irritable. I dont cuss. . I dont have a reason to. Ive been cussing so much lately its like a second language. I dont like it but it spills out I feel like I have no control.  I dont understand thrm snd I don't want to anymore. It was a look that finally did it. All it took was a look of disgust from the both of them that finally pushed me to see nothing will  ever change. But its been a long time now since ive known how they really feel about me.. I just simcerely thought it could change. Because I had also changed a lot. I knew more about myself and dealt with thing s diffrrently. I knew how they felt but I thought since they leanred more about me and aspergers and themselves.. I thought we all grew. I first realized how they truly felt years ago. When I moved home after being engaged to tim the first time. Manuel lived there too. Money went missing twice and both times we hsd a family meeting.. and both times everyone denied it. And both times everyone concluded that I did it. That I had to have done it. Even though manuel was a pathological liar and pot smoking loser. But they blamed me and treated me like shit. They looked at me even worse thsn before. Then somehow it came out that it was manuel afterall. And no one ran to apologize.. my brother never apologized. And I had to pretty much comvince  my mom to apologize and I still dont think she reslly gets how that affected me. Evrb if iy wasnt a know liar.. even if it was a stranger from church.. a stand up guy or girl... I still should have bren beoieved over them... ive bever stolen anything in my life. I never lied to their faces when asked directly. And they didnt just think I lied and stole from anyone .. they thought I was such a oiece of shit that I would actually steal from my family TWICE andlie about it. I thiught I could forgive and forget that. I cant and dint. I coukd havr if things had changrd... but ggiventhe same situation I know it would yeild the same results. Ive been having issues with my.mom giving everyone the benefit of the doubt my whole life. And lstely its a lot. And I cant take it. So I was already ready to pop when the diuble standards started gettung worse. But when I couldnt ven open my.mouthabout it.. I was done. I am done. We have tk wait till friday or even monday to move but wuen we do thats iy. I cannot do it. Its not healthy. Its not healthy for my mother either.. the stress gets her physically too.. even if her stress is caused by flawed logic. Its still stress and I shouldbt even fucking care. I care about tim and he deserves a happy wife. A happy life. Im dont care about how it looks or what people say anymore when they find out I dont talk to my family. I cant. Its become fact. This isnt even imcluding so much thats hapoejed thid last few days. I csnt get into it im too angry.  

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[1777] Family?

I do not like my family. Do I love them? Its hard to say and I am being extremely serious. How could anyone  agree.. choose.. like.. love... this sort of treatment. I don't agree, like choose or love any of it. And I don't accept it. Do I like or love them just as people? I don't know what that means. Like not as my family but jsut as people? This makes no sense. I hear people say that a lot. "I love my family but as people they are terrible." UH. My family is my family and yes they are people and how I feel about them IS how I feel about them as people. people and family alike.  I always try to ignore it but no... they are truly and unimaginably terrible people. just terrible. And I mean that from the bottom of my massacred heart. Shredded arteries and clots of blood dwell in the creases of their unforgiving claws and fangs. Just when I think they redeem themselves they surprise me with new depths of disappointment. At this point in the past I would cry out for justice. In any situation like this... same reaction. And that is my instinct. Except now. Now I am indifferent. I am just there. I am there but not present in interactions. i dont look at them. not just not in the eyes... which i made efforts to do before.. now I make efforts to look straight ahead. and its easy of course. i say nothing if i can. i say one word answers if i must. i even tried this morning but i am so over it. mostly with my mother. i am so over my "mother".


Double standards. Denial. Whatever you want to call it. Someone who believes anything a person says when they give them every reason to doubt them and doubts everything another person does when they do nothing but try to do everything the right way.. the way THEY wanted... sucks. they suck. the end.


Throughout the enitre relationship we did not have sex... yet my mother did not, would NOT believe it. Yet when manuel found an OPEN BOX OF CONDOMS in Jasons room while dating Cambria she beliebes his sorry story about it being from his medical pack from the army. really? What a ridiculous story. When I dated that one guy my mom wouldnt let us watch a movie in my room... right across the hall from her room with my door shut. Tim once tickled the back of my leg.. UNDER the knee even... and she freaked OUT! We wonce were sitting on the couch with our LEGS under a blanket and sharing headphones listening to my iphone. Sitting up straight in the living room. and she comes out and says "Jeni can you come to my room.. we need to talk" and during said talk... she tells me I am being inappropriate! And FREAKS OUT AGAIN! AND COUNTLESS.. COUNTLESS OTHER EXAMPLES! I was 22 and ENGAGED! She's seen Jason do 100 times worse right in front of her and not batted an eye! Its sick. AND I AM THE CRAZY ONE IN THIS FAMILY? their relationship is gross. Even Tim thinks it is gross. grosser than I do.. I'm used to it. He brings it up a lot since living here.. saying its like she treats him like a husband. he has no idea.It started at an early disgusting age. She would deny it. And so would any other mother and son in the same mother son relationship.


The most annoying part is that 3 times she has crapped information all over me about my brothers new "friend". Once because I mentioned that they had been there or something or just left idk i said something like "he just left with his girlfriend" or something and she scoffs and says "Not girlfriend.. they're not going out... they're taking it slow... he's doing it right this time..." and bull shit like that. I didnt even fucking ask.I just stood as she spewed nonsense at me... THAT SHE ACTUALLY BELIEVED. Then we go to this scrapbooking thing she invited me to uhg it was the worst.. and all i asked was how old she was and she goes on and on about the same crap about how she was engaged and wants to take it slow and shes sooooo proud of them and this and that... and I think... ok she must know more than I do.. I just got here. BUT history shows... he has sex with ALL.. not some, not a long time ago.. new old recent ALL his ex gfs. He is shallow and lives with his mother. of course he has this need to "prove he's a man" and has control. So he sleeps with his girlfriends out of marriage. I don't care what they do... he's 30.. do what you want. But dont fucking walk around all high and mighty and tell people bullshit like you're "doing it right this time"... its bullshit. ESPECIALLY when your sister and her husband are living in the same house and you KNOW she is right down the fucking stairs.. you probably shouldn't be having sex at 4 in the morning with your girlfriend with the door open. I'm 99% sure they had sex.. unless he was watching really loud porn. gross. Even if they were not having sex.. that was the 2nd of 3 times now that she stayed over . tim saw her car in the drive way when he left for work. Going slow my ass. this doesnt even make sense because i am typing so fast because i am so mad. DOUBLE FUCKING STANDARDS.


We had a family talk a while ago in my moms room... it was going fine and then my mom starts going on about how Jason waited to date till he was 18 and she was SO proud of that decision... i said i waited till 17 and she goes "because I wouldnt let you". There is so much wrong with that sentence. First she had nothing to do with it. and second why not just say and I am proud of you too? Instead of praising and kissing the ass of someone who had sex with all his girlfriends and his current one WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING IN THE OTHER ROOM! Don't praise the one who waited to have sex with her husband. The one you shamed all over the family telling grandma and everyone else I was having sex even when I told you i wasnt. Oh sorry "implying"... or not standing up for me when they would. Same thing. not saying something tells people you fucking agree. idiot. I dont get it.


But I'm the crazy one. I'm teh irrational one. He got drunk all the time but no no he wasn't possibly an alcoholic.. he got in fights.. he had sex.. did drugs.. said the f word so much it was like a catcfh phrase... i could care less about any of that... but everypne puts the guy on a fucking pedastool. fuck them.this is just the tip of the iceberg and its a pretty huge freaking tip.


No matter what it is.. with everyone else she is quick to believe or defenend but with me she is quick to judge or find fault. EVERY TIME. Even with Corina. Even with Manuel and Alisha. She wonders why I hate her. I HATE HER. SHE MADE IT THIS WAY.


Today at 12:17 am on thanksgiving... I am thankful for finally getting the hell over them.. for the motivation to get thru this last day of peace and the courage to unleash when its all over and tell them all how I really feel and not care what the reaction is because when its over we are leaving and I am never letting them get under my skin again. I dont want anything to do with them.






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[1774] GIRLS

I needed this when I was little. I was always turning my toys upside down and taking them apart and using them in unconventional ways.. and was often pushed away from being creative instead of being encouraged. If i had me as a kid I would have seen an engineer inside of me. I liked princesses yeah, but I also liked collecting bugs in my bug barn and playing with legos. I've often told timmy if I had a better experience in school I'd have loved to become an engineer... Acting has always been number 1 but engineering has always had the potential to take its place. Too bad I'm a moron.



I have had a huge headache for the past 3 days. Its getting worse. Like its behind my cheeks and in my eyes and nose. back of my head. everywhere.

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[1769] 26 - 28

I am 27 today. I wont be upgrading my profile though. I cant stand the thought of looking at that number for a whole year.


Timmy isn't good at hiding cake, so we had it tonight. Sucks my brithday is on a Monday.. have to wait til he gets home to open my present. :/


My boobs hurt. I still don't know if thats good or bad... I cant remember if this is normal for me after ovulation... i decided to start keeping a diary of these things.. everything. the only reason i havent is because it was suggested that it might cause stress and be counter productive. well i'd say that's pretty irrelevant under the circumstances. trying to stay positive though. Stress seems to be inevitable though. whther it is family related or being in the middle of nowhere or moving again. I know once we get health insurance i will finally be able to really push doctors to give me answers. right now they dont care.. they only help the ones with large wallets. doctors are jerks. i didhave some "twinges" or some sort of unexplainable sensation on my side right around my left ovary. maybe a little lower where your tummy meets your pubic bone. and then for a couple days i had a strange discomfort.. or mild dull pain in the same spot. idk what it means. hopeful but worried i might have cysts or worse... but i dont like thinking of the e word.. or the c word. or the i word. stupid words.


besides waiting and being impatient i havent been as impatient as previous months and its actually been a pretty nice week. we went up to visalia to look at places yesterday with brian and jerry and jasper and it was pretty fun even though we only looked at like 2 places... long story but its ok. we got to see the area and its a lot better than bakersfield. but its still way too far. from anything.


our contracts are up on our phones woot. so i might get an iphone 5 or samsung s4 soon. woot woot.


tim will find out soon.. witin the next 10 days if we go to visalia or northridge, burbank, etc. cannot explain how stressful it is not to know where we will be living in 2 weeks. and having to pack again when it feels like we just finished unpacking.


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[1768] Pros and Cons

If only I could figure out a way to fix my sleeping habits.. and keep it that way for more than a week at a time.


I have been working on my film and i finally pushed through a creative plateau. I am storyboarding a scene and its going slow and I suck at drawing, but its good enough for what its intended for. at least its a start.


going to be my birthday. i'm not sad about getting older.. its not the numbers. the only reason i hate this birthday is because it has a 7 in it and i loathe the number 7. next year i will be perfectly content being 28 and happily celebrate. well, i will probably celebrate some way this year too... but not very much. stupid 7's. anyways... getting older... fine.. but i dont like looking older but.. i think it will be quite a while before i start looking older.. as vain as that sounds its mostly because i know what i want and i want to get serious about my acting next year.


it was put on hold for tims job and i dont mind but now.. its time. I've explored my other options... in some ways I'm glad its taken so long and I've exhausted every option to finally arrive at this conclusion... I now know I will never be more passionate (careerwise) about anything but acting, maybe possibly singing, dancing or being an astronaunt. maybe a pilot. But I do not dance and I wont be an astronaunt and being a pilot sounds cool but wouldnt ever be home and so that leaves acting and singing. And i know thats like saying you want to be an astronaunt. but thats fine. I know now that i dont mind failing at something i love than succeeding at something i hate. i get that now. some people can be perfectly content doing almost anything.. but i already knew what I wanted before I knew why. I am terrified of speaking my own visions, thoughts, ideas, in front of a crowd. but beig on stage.. also scary.. but its not me its a character and i dont have to guess what to say.. its there for me.. and its also SO exciting. and being in front of a camera is the same.


I hated every minute of sitting waiting when i was on the set of that one student film. i mean there were good moments but overall it was brutal.. so much social interaction. meeting llyod was very cool and unexpected though.. he's a great person and I'm so glad I let myself be myself. but the waiting and talking to anyone else.. sucked. until it was my turn. and everything changed and i had them all laughing and even though everyone was tired and it was later way later than we all thought we would be there once my scene finally came.. and even thought they all had gotten quieter and quieter the later it got... when i got there. i made them all smile and laugh between takes and everyone was having fun and one of the directors or producers or whoever he was told me he appreciated my positive energy. I've done that before.. similar situations. Its weird i can be the frowny girl in any other scenerio but when i am doing what i love or around what i love.. it shows and people get me. aspergers doesnt matter on teh set because theyre usually all pretty nutty and so much is going on its hard to notice.. or you can just blame a social mishap on being tired..or thinking about your part or something. people dont think twice. at least from what i can tell. i feel like i belong there.

same with that film i did with casey a while ago when we were extras. they liked me i guess and had me "talking" with one of the "friends" of one of the main characters in the scene. originally i was just talking out of frame with a couple other extras.. but now.. i was a "love interest" and got a lot of camera exposure for an extra. it was the best. i write about it a lot because I loved it so much. everyone was so nice to me and told me how great i did. they knew it was my first time every on a set of any kind and even i didn't know at that moment how much so many of them would have loved to get that chance. i knew it was fun but i wasnt thinking of it as anything else. i really hope they finish it soon. i think they did but for some reason they havent released it yet.. im so anxious to see it. but that gold dress they put me in... i hope it looks better on camera than it did in person :p i hated that thing. but yeah.. 2 days standing in heels in the freezing cold waiting and waiting but i belonged there.


which is why i cant wait to get out of here. i really hope we dont go to visalia. last week it was a 95/5 chance we were.. but time said he thinks they have 5 spots in burbank so now its kinda 50/50. in a matter of 2-3 weeks we will either be in scv or visalia. it sucks.. i mean i really do want to move back to scv.. but part of me doesnt. for timmy. and i guess for me but mostly for timmy. he's made such good friends up here.  i know he likes having friends. and i like these guys. they're genuine and nice and i enjoy them.. idk what to do. but its not really up to me. i guess i dont know what to hope for. either way there are pros and cons.




On Thursday Tim worked on Brian and Jaspers cars. Brians was easy, took like 10 minutes. Tim's a beast. :) But Jaspers sucked haha. it took forever and then they couldnt do it because they needed a certain machine to take the thingie majiggy off and Jasper almost had to spend the night but then Jasper tried and got it off all by himself. They bought us pizza.. really really good pizza from cubbies.. and a cheesecake. that cheese cake is freaking delicious. Joey was going to get his oil changed but Tim never heard back from him. its really weird how he does that to his friends.. like.. Tim and i have talked about it so many times about people who are constantly on their phones (which is pretty much everyone but some peoploe more than others) and how we know they are always on their phones yet they ignore calls or texts for days at a time... do they not see how rude that is? Just because we cant see a person ignore a text.. we know they are when we know their phone habits. just a little reeeeedicilous. the party got brought up while we were eating. idk how. oh i think because i still had candy on the counter. and i told them all the other stuff i had planned. and jasper shook his head and said something like man that would have been cool. and tried to apologize for not coming and brian did too but i understood why him and brian didnt come .. they dont watch the show, thatd be silly. i said i just thought i was weird how we cancelled for joey and katie and then told them how he said the thing about watching it with his pastor. honestly i had been thinking maybe i overreacted but when i told them brian and jasper thought it was crazy and jasper said he would have been like 'f u'. haha. that surprised me but he's right... i didn't overreact.. it was a mean thing to say and do. and it hurt my feelings.  not that i'll hold it against them.. i dont see the point now. they dont hang out with everyone anymore. its strange. they're very confusing. more than typical people confusion. or maybe the same and i just havent been around many people lately. idk. but brian and jasper and daniel and jerry seem like very straght forward people. nice genuine people. so I'm thankful we got to meet them. I wish i could meet some girls that cool. all the girls my age are just.. different. its hard to explain. we can be alike in a million ways but different in this one way but this one thing is more important than any of the other things combined. for some reason. and its something i cant change. and its aspergers. as  i get older it gets more and more obvious how different i am from girls my age or really any age. it just sucks now because before i didnt mind.. i would be like screw girls.. i can have guy friends... but now.. i'm married. and that's frowned upon and weird. except in certain situations like casey or sal but i dont talk to sal anymore because he sucks and casey is too busy or hates me idk which. when i hang out with tim and his friends its cool but sometimes i feel like they are being a lot different than if i werent there.. like they have a chapperone. sucks. like they say jokes and then look at me or say sorry to me.. like i am offended.. but im not. but sometimes my face doesnt do what i want it to do. sometimes i am smiling when i am upset and a lot of times i am frowning when i am actually realy happy.. i also frown when i think. so people think i am mad a lot. but im not. i've been trying to work on it though. tim says im doing better. sometimes when i meet nice people i want to tell them about my AS.. but i dont think i will this time. its weird its like i want to though and its hard to hold it in. its a part of me and its like i feel like i should say it. but then i thinkwhats the point and what if they treat me different like some people do..i wish it was the same every time so i knew but people all react different so i never know, theres no way to know which way it could go. and what if we they stop being our friends i mean we were pretty close to telling katie and joey and then they got weird.. and katies "weirdness" (??? yes that works) about autism.. is just so weird! i would never feel comfortable telling them about it. but maybe they know. i've commented on an AS group on an fb and it isnt private. i think people can see my comments and likes for tht group.. so they probably know. i just dont want to tell them regardless.


im exhausted. woot. time for sleep.














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[1767] Bell Jar

I don't like being around my mom and brother. My mom was getting better. I saw she was trying. but my brother just gets worse. and when we disagree my mom constantly takes his side as usual and places the blame on me and things are back to the way they were. why deal with it. because we are family. that's bullshit. and it's no excuse. i dont even want to talk about that anymore. nothing ever changes.


we went to see my grandpa on thursday. he was in the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. he's okay now. he was supposed to go home today but they recommended a center that will help him get a little stronger because he was so weak. i like seeing him but i hate it.. i don't know what to say... he cant ever hear me so i end up shouting everything 3 or 4 times.. and hes so... old. its scary. and it must suck. not being old.. but seeing the fear in peoples eyes when they look at you. not of you but for you and for themselves. i didnt notice until it was too late.


after we left the hospital we hung out with tim's work friends for jaspers bday. it wasnt bad. i had fun. they were pretty nice. and i met tims friend daniel who is really nice. in groups people tend to ignore me or not hear me.. or choose to respond to someone else. i dont even really notice it anymore. tim mentioned it. but daniel actually asked me what i said a few times when he didnt hear me. it was weird haha. jerry says not to pursue game design (or programming) and to go with acting. woot. jasper likes to drink. lol. i tasted a wine that didnt make me want to puke. we left pretty late.. wanted to leave early to get down to my moms because we had to drive to simi in the morning because the water heater in the condo was leaking and our tenants didnt have hot water. i didnt get any sleep that night. we fixed the water heater pretty quick. it was just the pipe, thank God. we figured while we were there and for their trouble we should give them an upgrade so we got them a screen door and replaced the 4 missing tile pieces on the top counter.


I am going to read the bell jar. or finish reading it rather. i started it almost a year ago and forgot about it whenw e started renovating. i liked reading it although i forget the plot completely.. but the textured pages was nice :)


I'm really upset. we might have to move up to Visalia for 6 months. Tim is going to talk to his supervisor tomorrow and try to get more information. i really hope we can transfer back to scv or somewhere in LA.


when we moved our furiture from the bedrooms for the new carpet installation, we put the bed on top of the couches. that was almost a week ago. i kinda like it in the living room.








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[1766] To Be Out of Here

new carpet in the rest of the apartment. no roaches inside for a week and a half or more. tim saw one in the garage but i guess its the garage. i cant wait to be out of here. idk how some of his co workers can say they want to stay here. its awful. its hot, there are bugs everywhere, the crime is so much higher, and its only inexpensive as people say if u choose to live in crappy areas... we chose a safer area and have to pay a lot more.. although i think we got screwed.. this place isnt worth what we are paying. idk what is going to happen.


i keep waiting for my life to happen but its happening and i feel like im missing it. i am glad to support tim but i feel useless up here. and lonely. and worthless. and i love tim but hes not enough. i want friends. but i dont know how to find them and even more i dont know how to keep them.


casey contacted me in july to say sorry and i guess thats all because talking isnt the same. and im not his best friend anymore.. hes replaced me with some girl that looks like a better version of me. i mean i knew we wouldnt just be best friends again .. but. its casey. i thought it would end up there eventually. we havent even talked on the phone. i once told him i missed talking to him and he should call me.. he said "soon". that was over 2 or 3 months ago. im not sure why he contacted me. if it was just to say sorry i wish he'd have said it and then left and not acted like he was into being friends again. he's having a baby. i stated making him a baby blanket, i told him i had a present for them. i didnt tell him what. he didnt sound very interested. i stopped working on it. i dont see the point. his baby doesnt come for a couple more months anyways. but it feels like before. like when i would do things and he would ignore me or not talk to me for weeks or months and then call me bestie. now its the same only he doesnt consider me his bestie either. so im not sure i like it.


these new people we've met here are interesting and all.. but. its weird. idk. one just reminds me of sal no matter how much i try not to think that and it just bugs me. and he says strange rude thigns. but idk if its rudeness or insensitiveness or sticking his foot in his mouth or what. and his wife is nice but 2-3 times now shes brought up autism in a way that makes me uncomfortable. like in a way that makes me not want to consider telling them about my aspergers. i told her our neighbor came over randomly and it was awkward and we didnt know what to do. and i said "it was weird..she was a little weird.." and shes like "oh like autism??" um.. what? i dont even know what that means... like autism? because i said she was weird? nice. never telling you i have a form of high functioning autism. even if it is mild. and no one came to our breaking bad party. i made blue raspberry rock candy and got gatorade and funyuns and printed out a los pollos hermonos logo and was going to get chicken and i made a mini bubbling lab set up with blue food coloring and dry ice... i was even going to make a cake. so glad i didnt. what a waste everyone flaked. we ended up telling everyone we canceled but it was really because we had to.. i mean i did all that to get people pumped to watch the finale... but joey wanted to go to church (night church) so we decided to postpone till the next day. on sunday we helped him and katie move. it took longer than they thought and they ended up not going to church. when we were there i said "hey if we finish moving early we can just watch the finale tonight!" and he said they had too much to do.. then a little while after or before or idk somewhere around then. like within 5-10 minutes.. he gets a text from his pastor.. and he's like "oh pastor whatshisface invited me to go watch the finale over there tonight! I might take him up on that!!.." um... wait... what?!?!? we postponed for YOU. and now youre going to watch it... when i JUST said we could watch it tonight and you said no...??? um. so everyone ended up watching it. so monday comes and we are the only ones who hadnt seen it. and we just text joey and katie and tell them were canceling. because the point was to have peope come over and get them excited to watch it but whats the point now since everyone already did..... its lame. and the worst part is... he says he didnt even rememember! bull. we just saw you yesterday.... i gave you blue raspberry rock candy. uhg. why is it so hard to find honest friends that genuinely like hanging out with us because we do epic (his words) things like make blue raspberry rock candy for breaking bad!! why do people jsut plain suck? tim and i enjoy being selfless. we suck at talking but we SHOW it. you know that whole saying actions speak louder than words... most people dont feel that way at all. we do. WE SO DO... but most people just want to be spoon fed a bunch of bs words with no meaning. we dont know how to give them those words without meaning. and when they have meaning for us they come with actions. we cant help it. but others do mean things. and maybe its without even knowing they are being mean... like jasper is moving to visalia and we are eventually moving back to scv. well joey, right in front of us, goes on and on about how jasper should come over and stay in their spare room. for weeks even. theyd love to have him. they'll miss him so much blah blah. and not once says to us or just tim, screw me i could care less... but tim stuck his neck out for you and had your back and defended you even though your case was questionable at best and you dont even offer the same to him? hes been an amazing friend. i jst got so mad inside for tim. why would he do that? it just reminds me of being at donovans birthdy and kelli inviting amanda and andy to her baby shower right in front of me and tim and it was so rude! why are people so rude and mean? And these things cannot be brushed off as unintentional... we were right there.. in plain site... same situation just a different location. do people not like nice people? they say they do. they're all talk. and then telling me i should read the great gatsby.. well ive been wanting to. i love reading books and then watching the movie its like my favorite thing ever. and i say yeah i want to. and hes like yeah you should, not like you will take the time to though. um. what? who says that. and why? why wouldnt i? because idont read? how do u know? I JUST finished a book yesterday..... which was why i said i was going to be getting to the great gatsby soon. i actually had 2 or 3 books ahead of it too. i hate when people make statements like they know me when they know nothing about me. like that dumb doctor that said i didnt have aspergers and kept testing me for utis... the tests are coming back negative! why are you perscribing me antibiotics?? Its obviously something else! And guess what.. you are not a psychologist and you are old as dirt. go read a recent book about aspergers you knownothingarogantasshole. and also he says to me its written by scott fitzgerald and he was the guy in the move midnight in paris... um. i know who scott fitzgerald is. I didn't know who a lot of those people were but i know who scott fitzgerald is. because like i said... Ive been planning to read it for a while! not that i everrrrrr say this stuff to people.. or else its rude. When someone tells me something I already know i don't consider them rude for assuming i didn't know unless they consider me rude for telling them I already know. (although this is irrelevant most of the time as i try to be polite and keep that information to myself but then I am perceived as an idiot.) smart but rude or polite and stupid...??? I've noticed people like to feel like the smartest person in the conversation when talking to me its fantastic... that's fine... I'll indulge your ego.. but its just an illusion.


i've been pretty angry lately (no kidding). ive had more meltdowns this year alone than in our whole marriage. even thinking about them makes me anxious because i can feel the rage inside me building trying to relive it. idk how to deal with it. no health insurance either. and even if i did they would probably put me on medication and we want tog et pregnant but.. maybe i shouldnt have kids. i wouldnt hurt anyone. i dont hurt people when i have meltdowns.. usually try to hurt myself and hit things... not usually near people... im not usually near anyone because when i feel it coming i try to get away from everything. tim doesnt let me. i dont really know what he does but somehow he fixes it. and everything is ok. i had another one on monday when no one came to the party i had planned all week. i feel the same as i did when they happened as a kid. i dont feel like i will be 27 this month. i dont even feel 17. it scares me. i talk to kids and they talk down to me. its like they sense i am different and take it as a weakness. i know this but cannot change it. i dont know if i ever will be able to. which makes me think even more that maybe thats why we dont have kids still. maybe we arent the sort of people who will have kids. we do enjoy each other when there isnt so much stress. although lately its clouded in circumstance. i feel like im walking in molasses. ive tried to divorce tim. not because i want to but i just dont get what he sees in me. I'm not smart which is ironic being that i have a disability that implies I may be a genius, I cant cook, i cant get a freaking job, i cant give him babies or havent who knows if its a for sure cant, and i'm at least 15 lbs heavier than the day he met me. plus my grandma, my dads mom... the mean one i dont talk to because she hates me... she has cancer. my dad has cancer. my aunt has or had cancer. my uncle died of cancer... my odds are shit. and i've been dealing with all sorts of ailments lately.. but not health insurance to figure it out. its been messing with my mind before the cancer talk. now im just a mess. tim is the most patient person but even he has his limits. hes not enough right now. and i dont know what would be. how do you fix that? i dont know if i enjoy being alone and feeling lonely or being with him and feeling lonely despite how much attention he gives me. im not this needy. but i have this overwhelming feeling of doom. i know i am being dramatic. but these things have lasted over a year and i get progressively worse then better then worse then better.. all the time. up and down... lately it hasnt gone away though. its lasting a long time. theres aweird mark on my neck too. idk if i scrapped it or what. weird pains in my stomach on the sides by my kidneys. among other things. i want tim to have a normal wife. he says not to talk like that and he loves me but i dont know. i think hes crazy.


kids getting out of high school or preparring to leave at 17... worried what they will do where they will go. they are in such a hrry for school and careers and starting families.. i cant believe 10 years has past since i was their age... and im so much further behind most of them. i couldnt do school. i cant get a job. what am i supposed to do? follow tim around like a puppy. im not living.. im just a witness.







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[1764] The Grove


First I have to move to BAKERSFIELD of all places... and now this place... its... THE worst place. in. the. world. okay not world. not even bakersfield. probably not even this street.... BUT. It does suck. And it is too freaking expensive to suck to such a sucky extent. And we've called almost everyday with a new or the same problems... we feel annoying but we're just trying to get what we freaking paid for and not what they chose to give us. During the walk through everything seemed fine. I wasn't there just Tim. The first couple days after we moved in and the paint and cleaning chemicals started to fade, it started to smell like cat urine. everywhere! but mostly in the living room. at the same time we saw some dead roaches in the garage and didn't think anything of it. we didn't move out stuff in for 2 weeks because of moving truck complications. never use budget... bunch of unprofessional degenerates. anyways.. so we move in all our stuff and they agree to change out the carpet and pad .. but just in the living room.. i smelled the other rooms and decided it was just in the air so it was ok but said I'd prefer the whole carpet changed. this whole time we saw more and more roaches. when we confronted them about it they said they had a known roach problem in the entire complex and had an exterminator come twice a month to spray outside the units and a list of people who want the inside of their unit sprayed... ok so you knew you had a roach problem and didn't tell us....??? really? their exterminator didn't do crap. the was barely here 10 minutes and I swear he didn't do anything... i asked how long it would take to see results. he said i would see dead ones that night. i saw 4 live ones. not dead. i hadbeen trying things for 2 weeks to rid the roaches myself and finally decided to get crazy. we bought a bunch of caulk and sealed EVERYTHING we could think of. under the sinks, the doors, the cabinets, the showers, anything. i had put bay leaves around the kitchen. i rubbed mint on all the food containers.. not that we had a problem so bad they were getting in them but preventative maintenance is probably best. we had boric acid everywhere. i vacuum twice a day. sweep after meals and dont leave dirty dishes in the sink.. and only left rinsed dishes in there a couple times because the dishwasher was full. but all that still wasn't helping. so finally we brought up the cats. since caulking and cats... no roaches dead of alive, in the day or night. even with boric acid... we still saw at least 2 a night. and then the day the exterminator came.. that night we saw the biggest one i'd ever seen.. :( uhg. I cried all night. I HATE bugs but if i saw a spider i would kill it. if a moth or misquito slew on me it owuld be gross but i'd be ok. BUT ROACHES are different. they are so DISGUSTING and scary. tim doesn't understand my fear of roaches. he says its not as bad as i'm making it.. um. they can crawl on pretty much anything and they are gross and full of diseases and ugly and creepy and if you see 1 you probably have a bajillion.he told me his friend from Hawaii said that the roaches over there are massive and they fly! at you! i would die or kill myself. why do people like hawaii? after hearing that it sounds like a terrible place. Anyways so i guess it could be worse. a lot worse. but its still bad. was. i havent seen one in almost 48 hours. and i've been looking. but with all the steps we've taken to rid ourselves of this problem there is one big issue. the weather strips to ALL the doors were warped or not even there... they replaced the one on the garage door and put one on the front entrance door. but the just decided not to replace the warped one on the garage to kitchen door.... the worse one... where i know they were coming in. so after amost a week.. he finally did it... and its terrible.. does he even know what the purpose of a weather strip is? it doesn't even touch the floor! its almost worse than the warped one that was on there. is he insane? i want to just tell them we will do it ourselves. but when i said that the first time before they came they said to let the maintenance guy do it.. well he doesnt know what he is freaking doing so... yeah. my head hurts.










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[1762] Forgot Again

Yep.. forgot again about my promise to myself to not like try so hard at sticking up for people and defending people any more. at least not until.. well I'm not sure when would be a good time.. i'm still figuring that out. because right now EVERY TIME and this is not an exagerration... they just vent and i agree and i defned them when people suck at them and they vent vent vent and i care because I care and defend and then somehow... they turn it onto me. like yeah yeah that person sucks... but oh by the way you also suck. not in so many words. but enough to get it. Just take it? Or confront them and defend myself and have them just blow me off or elaborate on how terrible i am when i think its bullshit. because i thought it was all in the past but obviously not if your fucking bringing it up. I just hate everyone. I hate having conversations. they either suck the whole time or they're really good and then randomly suck for no reason. i don't know what the hell i am supposed to do. I try to be nice. And people are just mean.


Never freaking learn.




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[1761] Recently

So apparently I forgot about my "experiment" I mentioned in my previous post. About not backing up jason when he is talking Bout mom. Cuz 1. its hard not to back someone up when they talk about her because no one used to back me up and i know how she is. and 2. i forgot. and 3. I guess I'm just not a jerk like that. but it does suck. but whatever. i wont let it bother me. so we confronted sal and stephnie about the not coming to our stuff or just not coming over period.. and idk. on one hand it ended ok and he said theyd work on it. on the other hand.. within that conversation 2 other things are pissing me off now. it just doesnt end with him. stephnie is fine. great even.. we like her a lot. but sal has been pissing me off more and more and more lately. it is truly exhausting being friends with him lately. and by lately i mean for the last year or more. everything is a competition with him, always has to one up us, everything is on his terms and in his time, he's condescending and patronizing and makes the most offensive comments about things he knows nothing about, he is a know it all and the list goes on and on. I am truly over it. Last night the thing that really pised me off is that he knows i have aspergers but when it is mentioned he makes very rude and offensive comments that show he obviously has no idea what it is at all but thinks he does. its fucking annoying. and we think its so annoying that every time we have an issue ... they suddenly have one too.. and what was it? oh right the same thing that we have a problem with. only theirs is completlely invalid because our issue.. the reason we cant come to things is something we cannot change... hear wait a second let me just pop out a  baby. not all of us are baby making machines. geez. and his excuse is not valid because its ridiculous.. paige has allergies and that sucks but they havent even tried bringing them over. not even with the new laminate floors and not even after we moved the cats to my moms. they never once tried bringing her and giving her a childrens allergy medication before and tried it out. kids do not die from allergies. if she got sniffly.. leave. its not a big deal. it is not life or death. they really milk it beyond belief. they have non drowsy allergy medication, i mean there are peole who HAVE pets and pet allergies.. there are VETS that have pet allergies. it is possible to be around pets with pet allergies. its not rocker science just research for like 5 seoncds. freaking ridiculous.. amIrite? on the phone he's like telling me that we have to speak up when we have  problems... uh... ok hypocrite... you JUST said you also had a problem right after I said we did... and the ONLY reason yyou even said anything is because we did! if we hadn't brought it up.. you certaintly wouldn't have. and we HAVE brought up stuff in the past. they have not. ever. because we are really great friends to them. they said it was okay that we didn't come to the baby shower. we explained why and apologized. they said over and over how ok it was... and then suddenyl they had an issue with it the whole time? ridiculous. sal talks to me like i am a child. he takes an extremely authoratative tone with me and i am getting really sick of it. the only reasons the conversation ended how it did is beause i resigned because i didnt want to argue and because i knew his lunch break was almost over. but we are still pissed, and we both dont know if it is worth the stree to try to fix something that most likely will not be fixed because of unwillingness on their (his) part. i am so sick of one sided friendships and tim isn't really used to one sided friendships.

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[1760] Never Learn

Great idea... move in with my mother for a month while we transition between places to save money and get things out of the condo while we show it to renters.... sounds reasonable enough.. but its not. its really really not. why i thought it would ever be different from how its ALWAYS been in the past... i do not know. at least tim is around this time to assure me of my sanity which in the past was questioned every 5 seconds. Its weird though.. because I am always backing Jason up when these crazy things happen to him and he has an awesome way of not doing the same for meeeee.... >.>... <.<.... >.>.... so I'm gonna do an experiment. and like. not do that anymore. For anyone. but myself. I'm not mad or anything I just think its weird. And its not just that he doesn't stand up for me or acknowledge these things etc but that he'll be like.. "yeah she's crazy... and so are you"... not verbatim but that's basically the gist. I mean my mom is wrong and ridiculous 90% of the time but I don't like shove the 10% in anyones face because its only 10%... everyone has their days of being a dick or a jerk or selfish or inconsiderate... everyone. so its acceptable sometimes.. especially when you live with someone who is like that 90% of the time. blah blah blah I'm bored.

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[1759] things
Listening to: Silence

I'm upset.

i told sal and Stephnie something really personal. And I am 99.9% sure they just went and blabbed it to people. Why wouldn't I think that? They are always talking to us about other people so what makes us different? Despite them referring to us as family. Maybe they say that to everyone. I thought we were closer.. That's the reason I felt I could tell them. But I guess I was wrong. But it's not like I can just ask because I know sal . He will deny it all day long even if it was true. And then turn it around on me making me.. pr at least try to make me feel bad for even considering such a possibility. How do I not have better friends by now? Uhg. I mean they aren't terrible friends .. But they sure aren't great. I think me and Tim have been wonderful friends to them. Helping when we can with no strings attached and never complaining about the double standards or one sidedness of it. But it gets so old.. Then throw in gossip and I'm done. I can take lazy friends who only put themselves first. Fine. But not talking crap behind our backs. Especially to people they are always talking about or claim to not even like that much or whatever. Stephnie is always saying how annoying Katherine and Laura are and then those are the people se confides not just her secrets but mine and Tim's? Lame. Complaining about them to me and tim and talking about them.. Of course they are doing the same to me and tim when with them. Idk why I didn't think they would. Trust too much I guess. There is a chance it was all coincidence . A very very very small spec of a chance. But I'll never know because I won't ask. How? How do I ask and get a straight answer? Maybe it's for the best. We've been friends years and things are still as awkward as ever. We could never bridge the gap. Idk why probably my fault I'm sure. And we never felt we could really say how we felt without it turning into an argument . I don't like those kind of relationships. I want to be able to ask my friend a question like "did u tell so and so about that thing I told I?" And get a truthful answer despite how they think I will respond. Because I would get mad .. That sucks. But I'd respect an honest answer more than a coward. It migt be ok for a while but if I ever found out they lied I wouldn't talk to them. But if they did say stuff an old me the truth I would be pissed but I could get over it. Eventually. They'd never say. Might as well accept the fact now that I am just friendless. Me and Timmy and that's all. 



Good news - got a web gig. Pays $500. Should be pretty easy. Although it sounds a little tedious but whatever.


Tims training date was moved from may24 th to July 5th and now June 7th!.. And we still haven't moved out completely or finished updates... Or found a renter.. Or a place to rent... Nothing. Thought we had a whole month more.. And on top of that he got another job interview for a job in Santa barbara. Weird thing is the interview is the one day he has off work next week.. Things always work out like that for him. It's really strange. 


Bringjng the cats to my moms tomorrow night. That'll be interesting. Dexter had just been startin to get more comfortable and then all this moving and renovation stuff happens and he's timid again. Now we're taking him to a house with a bunch of animals.. And choli hates my mom. And remembers her when she visits and hisses and gets really crazy and psychotic .. So that'll be fun.


Im tired


Mother's Day is Sunday ... I wa trying to get a card. But everything felt like a lie. I'm not getting a card that isn't true. She was getting better and now it's like she is going through menopause all over again.. And I was trying hard but now I feel like what's the point. I was going to arrange to fix the porch roof for her for Mother's Day but I don't even know if I want to bother anymore. She's doesn't appreciate anything and she is difficult and judgmental just for kicks. Where's the card for tht? Maybe I should make one.. And say happy mothersday... Try not sucking it up. Is there an equivalent to the lump of coal for Mother's Day? Christmas is to coal as Mother's Day is to.... Stems? Haha.. Sounds about right but I'd hate to waste flowers to prove a point. Kinda. Sometimes I feel bad like I don't give my mom enough credit and then she goes and reminds me how ridiculous it was to think such a thought.


And then throwing this stupid wedding anniversary.. What's the point? It's only been 5 years. And no one invited even cares.


I'm really bitter lately. Uhg. Ever since that billionth p test. Usually I snap back fairly quick... Not this time. Maybe I will be forever bitter and sad. That's what it feels like at least. Writing in sitdiary no longer brings me peace... I feel empty and alone.




Sitdiary with iPhone = lots of spelling errors.. Due to my man hands.. :/

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[1758] Oh Hello



Jefri is very oinky today.  His eye looks better but I am pretty sure he is completely blind now.. the more time he spends at my moms the more blind he gets urgg.. How will he know how happy I am to see his little face? :( If he ever goes back there he'll probably come back with no eyes at all. just holes. on his face. 


fun fact: painting isn't fun.


sal and stephnie are coming over Monday. which i mean is cool but i can't help feeling a bit annoyed. but its not like i can say anything because it will just come out wrong cuz i mean they are coming.. and sal never takes anything i say right so it will just be a fight so i will just be a shut mouth. yes a shut mouth that's a thing. which also means i can still type about it... yeah.. YEAH! so.. a few weeks ago he got all cally on me. like calling all the time. like almost everyday. mostly cuz i am working on his dads site and also we were both in the middle of condo renovations and exchanging notes and whatknot. and i asked him to help us paint but he had to work. and then i go help him paint and after that a week goes by without a single word. i brought this up to Tim and he's like yeah seriously that's weird. so then i think i sent him a fb message about his dads site.  and that night i tell tim we should invite them over. and then the next day i get a call from sal. and he's like what r u guys doing monday and i'm like "we're free but.. " and i was going to say we wanted to see if you want to come over but instead i asked why? but i already knew why i just had to hear him say it.. and as i predicted he's like just wanted to invite you guys over to see our place its all set up. (even tho earlier in the convo they were still unpacking... *confused face*) and I'm like oh... cuz well.. we were planning to ask if u guys wanted to come over here cuz we finally finished the floors (which they knew cuz of fb and steph liked our pics).. and he's like... "ohh... yeaaaah .. suure" i mean not verbatim but thats the gist in this like.. disappointed sounding voice like.. trying to sound enthused but not being enthused at all but knowing he cant say no because we go there EVERY time we hang out like so many times we cant even count anymore. for years. YEARS... oh the gas.. (but we don't complain. one time we said it was the gas and it does get expensive but that was another story) and they've i think both come once like actually into our place and I'm pretty sure they had the kids which is important to note because most of the time the reason they can't come is because the kids are allergic but i could have sworn they brought paige.. and then the time we went to the mall but we didn't come here so really does that even count? and Sal came 1 other time.. so 2 times, maybe 3.. in 5 years living here. i mean when you think about it like that its really just silly. i know they have kids, but someday we will too. will that just mean we'll never hang out again? I'd imagine things would be the same just us toting along a baby. which btw isn't how it will be. thats how it woooould have been if the realization of how sucky our side of the stick was hadn't sunken in. and its sunken. pretty deep. i mean that's pretty one sided. Also when we move to Bakersfield no way they are driving all the way up there. so this is like the last month or 2 they have to come over. and i know recently we've been going up there a little more often because I've been talking to my mom and brother again so it hasn't been as big of an issue as it had in the past.. and they might use that as like a reason. but it shouldn't be because in the past we had no excuse to go up there at all expect to see them. and now that holidays are over we don't go up there a lot and when we do go see my mom i'm too tired to do anything else. i can only do so many social things in 1 day. in actuality it would probably be more accurate to say i see my mom when i go up there to see them. not the other way around. so that's all about that. idk. just bugging me. we'll see how it goes. if he says 1 thing about the drive or gas tho i'm just going to lose it. and then I'll be the crazy one of course. i think i've been a really good friend. i mean no one is perfect and i say inappropriate things and he says things without thinking and tim and steph just watch haha... and then we had that falling out but we bounced back and idk in some ways it made us close and in some it made us not as close so.. its weird.

I'm secretly dreading this baby shower tho. i wish they could see that i care about them by sending them a present and not going. i mean. its going to be excruciating. just like paiges baby shower. u know when people say oh just go u will be happy u did or it wont be as bad as u think.. i wasn't and it was worse. but we didn't know i had Asperger's back then we do now.. don't they know how horrible these things are for me by now? they've probably never looked into it. did they have one for elijah? well i wasnt invited if they did. i wont know anyone. or it will be people i am uncomfortable around like sals mom uhg and becca and fran? and justin who are friends of andres so that's awkward. idk why it has to be it just is because he probably.. well no not probably. i know he told them a bunch of crap. i just dont want to see these people. and to put the icing on the crap cake... its a pool party. fantastic. i hate being in a bathing suit. i look like a 12 year old boy next to these people. sometimes i seriously think about getting a boobie job. and then i realize how incredibly narcissistic that is and how i will have to explain it to my non existent daughter someday and how what if one popped and i was all disfigured and walked in circles for no reason... but it would help heaps with self esteem. grr. and also they are all moms and its bad enough its a BABY shower. throw in a unch of moms and i am in my perfect hell. 


wanna hear something stupid.. no really.. it is probably the stupidest thing I've done in a while. a few months ago or even more.. it was a while ago.. i was applying to roles on Mandy. and i submitted for this one i thought i was a good fit for. didn't hear back. then about a month ago.. i get a random email from the poster saying they were needing a replacement for that role and they were shooting in simi valley the following week. i saw it 2 days late because it was in my spam folder and cuz i don't check that email as often anymore. i wrote a reply saying sorry i didn't reply but i was interested and to please send more information about the role. but i got nervous. and made it a draft. and then i just never sent it. because i suck. and all i could think of was this one time i went to this audition. i was emailed the slides and we met at a park and he recorded me doing the scene with him and he watched it back and said i need to spend more time in front of the mirror. in other words. u suck at acting. then i thought about when i got that small role in that short film. and i had like 2 lines. and the scene was like 1 minute. but i was so excited. and they cut it. probably because i was terrible. but I'll never know. the director is my friend on fb but I'm too ridiculous to ask what i did wrong. and how i can improve. it makes me mad tho because for that one i told him i had no experience and i didnt want to waste his time especially since it was 2 hours away. he said don't worry about that - i will work with you. he did not say one thing to me about what i should do different. so what tho.. thats just how it is.. but i'm just dumb. i knooow there will be rejection and theres been other stuff but uhg too embarrassing. but this i felt might have been something that required something I'm not capable of. and i already knew it. but i should have went anyways. cuz if i randomly and miraculously did something right.. who knows. *facepam*


on a related note.. that movie i was an extra in is finally coming out. its been like 3 years. its weird watching the trailer and remembering those times. and the parts i'm in weren't even in the trailer but still. that was a good day. 2 days. and casey was there and we were beefs  and i met some weirdos but cool weirdos. and it was so cold and our feet hurt so bad but it was so fun. and when they wanted me to turn and talk to the featured actors friend and then walk off with them on camera! and after everyone was like telling me good job and congrats cuz it was my first time and i was already being upgraded to more camera time. oh and when we walked by the 2 ladies who idk who they were but i know they were important to the movie.. maybe writers? but as all the extras walked by them one said "she was really good" but i didn't see who they were talking about. but i think it was me :) that was a good moment. i want more. 


i should go to sleep.

Here's to being more positive today than yesterday...

And heres a bat filled with jelly Surprised







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[1757] A Feeling
Listening to: Tim sleeping

Hopefully more.

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[1756] Stabby Knight Syndrome

picked up Jefri a few days ago. he got an eye infection at my moms.. never happened here.. probably from being outside all the time. it was like straight out of a horror movie.. its better now and i think he's enjoying being back home. without that evil bunny Banana. 


i think the reason i stay up all night is mostly because i secretly prefer to be alone. or maybe not. people are so overwhelming lately tho. its like the more stressed out i am and need sleep the more i stay up... i dont get it. its just how it is.


my mom is driving insane. i'm not sure what else there is to say or do anymore. 


my brother doesn't contact me unless i contact him. its hard thinking of reasons to text him. but if i don't i wont hear from him. not sure what i did.


im missing people. no one imparticular. just people. from my past. friends, family, relationships, strangers that were just there and i never talked to, places, smells, sounds. everything feels like in montey python when the knight is running towards the castle and hes like running place for like ever hehe and then all of a sudden he's there stabbing those guys in the face.. or whatever.. like slow motion and then sped up 10 times faster to make up for it. i'm not sure what the point is.. it just is.


the house is coming along. finally got the floors done :) they look amazing.. some stuff i wish we did different but overall i love them. 





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[1755] Aubrie

UHG These damn floors.. the bad news is they are still not done.. however the good news is that my uncle ruben and suzy's boyfriend jay are coming to do them for us on Tuesday :) woot. I hope that works out. It seems everything that can delay these floors being done is happening. I am sick of walking on concrete!...


We also decided to move to Bakersfield instead of Tehachapi.. it'll be easier on Tim and I wanted to be close to my grandparents but honestly Bakersfield will be close enough. I love my grandma but she drives me crazy. She puts manuel and alisha on pedastools, corina too but that i don't mind so much. I just don't get how she can praise them [manuel and alisha] so much for being such crappy people. especially manuel (whom apparently molested a young girl and is now going to be the father to a baby girl! UHG!). and don't even get me started on alisha. i am 2 seconds from just losing it and beating the crap out of her.. not that i ever would.. that's something she would do before i did being as barbaric as she is. its just how i feel every time i see her smug face.. someday someone will screw her over, use her, or just generally treat her like crap and i will be there with the same smug face. she is just simply the worst. she is fake and evil and well that is basically it. there's nothing more to her. she is a shell of a person. I just wish I didn't invest so much into her... trust, time, money and presents... for what? to get slapped in the face I guess.


Anyways on an awesome note.. Tim and I were stressing over taxes since the last 3 years we've taken them to this place and they never get us very much and we end up paying half of what we get back for them to do it plus it takes them forever. and last year they screwed up on top of it and had to redo them. they just don't seem to know what the ef they are doing.. so we opted to do them ourselves this year. and it was the best decision we  ever made. we got almost 5 times more even with the $500 we have to pay back every year for that homeowner loan people got back in like 2008. and i had no idea I could get reimbursed up to $2500/year for going to school! So we got all that school tuition plus money for school books back. tim did them and it only took about 2 -3 hours and he said it was pretty easy. a tax accountant is pretty much a glorified data entry person.  I cant believe we paid $200 for 3 years just to have someone spend over 2 weeks doing something we did in 2-3 hours!! uhg. but now we know and at least we found out now.. next year will be harder having a rental but tim says he still thinks it will be easier doing it ourselves. I told my mom and she scoffed at me like i don't know what i am talking about. like i never know what i am talking about. she knows we have been struggling with money after tim lost his job and waiting for this new job to start.. and i thought she would be happy for us. we got a break! but no. its never that simple with her. and i tell her things when i find stuff out that saves us money to maybe help her save money too but she is such a know it all stubborn person. she says "i don't own a house but..." and then proceeds to explain that it is better to have someone else do your taxes when you own a home... uh well like you JUST said.. you don't own a home so u don't know... seriously its just looking at a freaking form.. finding the matching empty box.. filling it in with a number and then doing that over and over until you are done.. how complicated is that? not very. idk i've been frustrated lately about how people in my family talk to me. i'm pretty much used to strangers talking to me like I'm a child but my family... i like that we are talking again but they talk to me like i am freaking mentally retarded when i am actually probably a lot smarter than them in a lot of ways. example... paint. uhg. both of them went on and on about the difference between gloss and flat paint, i know the freaking difference.. i have painted before thanks. i asked like 1 question and got a history lesson about paint throughout the day. but i kept my mouth shut and humored them because when i correct people or interrupt them and say as nicely as i can that i actually know what they are saying... they think i am being rude... and with family it usually or at least in the past turns into an argument because of the "rudeness" so i didn't say anything. but it annoys me because then like in the car on the way home from my grandmas we were talking about watching shows online and earlier that week i sent jason a  link to the site I sure and he said "i don't know how to use that" and i was explaining it and he's like "don't talk to me like I'm stupid" and sounded all mad but i wasn't trying to sound condescending i was just saying how to do it.. i mean its pretty easy so its a little like someone saying they don't know how to go poop. haha poop. but seriously how do you explain that without sounding kinda condescending? not on purpose but because its freaking simple.. its not like i was explaining it when he hadn't asked... if someone says they don't know how to do something and i do.. i explain it.  if he didn't need me to explain then why did he say he didn't know what to do with the link? I don't get that. but i stopped and tried to change what i was saying but really ended up saying the same thing because theres only do many ways to explain that sort of thing. my mom does it a lot too and then gets mad when she is being really ridiculous and almost purposely difficult and says i am making her feel stupid.. but she's another story. i just don't get her. I have a lot to say about what frustrates me about her but i don't really feel like getting into it . she wont ever change so what's the point.


my sleep pattern is freaking ridiculous. i woke up at 4pm today :/. I went to bed at 4am but could not sleep. at. all. I think i ended up getting collectively around 3 hours . bah.


we decided on a girls name we like better than our previous name.. granted we ever get the chance to use it *sigh*.. Aubrie. I first thought of it because of the actress Aubrey Plaza. She's one of my favorites (Parks and Recreation). And it wouldn't leave my head. So I told Tim and he liked it right away too. we want to start the adoption process as soon as we get settled in Bakersfield. We know it will take a while and since we only plan to be up there for 6 months - at most 9 - we may be back in Santa Clarita before we actually even get a baby. What we do know for sure is that by this time next year conceived or adopted we will have a family of 3. Even more amazing would be if we were to adopt and then miraculously have a baby soon after. well who knows.


hehe Dexter is fast sleeping and snoring.  He's cute. 

I miss Jefri. He's at my moms until the floors are done. 



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[1754] Getting Things Done

we painted saturday. the whole living room. tim took saturday off and had sunday and monday off already. we wanted to get the floors done but we'll probably have to wait till next week. uhg. it feels like forever since we tore up the carpet. we're getting things done but its not fast enough. my mom brought more boxes so i can pack more. she's really annoying me. she's been helpful but it comes at a price as always. painting and babysitting my bunnies and bringing boxes aaaaaaaaand being extremely difficult and exasperrating. i dont understand her. i dont even want to get into it because i dont feel like spending the time on her. <br><br>i found a really nice place in tehachapi. we've seen a bunch but none are as nice as this one and it isnt expensive as some. it also is a 4 bedroom 2 bath while most of the others were only 3 bedrooms. close to the freeway too. its also newer looking and has lots of grass. hopefully they allow pets.. maybe we just wont tell them. although i would feel weird lying but its crazy how many places we've seen that dont.<br><br>im too tired for this..

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[1752] Ketchup Is Sticky

This is weird... writing in sit diary again. It feels like forever and also like it never went away. I have to write down my thoughts or i lose them. i've been using a diary app on my phone but i hate it. when i write on paper i misplace them. i end up with a bunch of papers with no dates because i forget to date things... same with regular diaries. and people i know could open a diary an d read it.. not many people i know know about this diary so thats why i like it mostly.   so much has happened.   o poop. tim is home with food so to be continued.--------------------------------------------------------------------well its tuesday 1am/ feels later. i started this days ago but its been gone so long i keep frogetting to continue..I'm so exhausted lately. and overwhelmed but the good kind. the getting stuff done kind. so much is happening rihgt now. like i went to school . smc. and that was good/ have a 4.0 gpa. but had to take the semester off because in decembe tim got fired. for something stupid. and we were doing pretty bad for about a month. but then he got an interview at the gas company and that went great and they offered him the job. its been a long process tho. i think his interview was in january and he just heard this week about the offer.we're actually in tehachapi at my gramas house because he has the job offer meeting in bakersfield in the morning. bakersfield is where the job is and it scares me a little. the crime index in simi is like 70-80 . thousand oaks is considered one of the safest places to live in the usa and has a crime index of about 60-70. bakersfield... 400 something. uhg. i mean i know it should be fine and my grandma goes there all the time.. but shes not going door to door.. shes in public places. and its not just the nice parts.. installing digital meters. if it was a meter reader job we probably wouldnt have bothered. they said usually everyone has tp start as a meter reader but for this they didnt have enough people within the company experienced enough or whatever. so he was able to skip that step. which is great because meter reading is part time and this is full time with benefits. and being a part of a big company was a goal of ours so we can get insurance and benefits for when we have kids. whenever that is.. maybe I'll write a new entry for that stuff. anyways so we're going to be moving closer to bakersfield for this job. we knew we didnt want to live in bakersfield. so we decided to do tehachapi since i have some family here. and its cheap. so we've been getting our place ready to rent out. its been okay.. we have time since the gas companies process takes a while we have 2 months before he even starts training. we're a little behind schedule but only becaue we decided to do the counters and paint before the floors. my mom and brother suggested we do it like that and it makes sense. less clean up. i guess i was thinking in terms of most imoportant but we're doing those things anyways so it shouldnt matter what order. i want to write more about that stuff but i'm too distracted by other thoughts..its weird spending more time with my grndma... a few things are bugging me about her and if  we move up here i know they will just bug me more. i always knew she was a person to dismiss anything confrontational but i am seeing what a hypocrite she is. she is a huge hypocrite and it pisses me off. and i used to think she didnt like me. and then it was just a family joke... my cousins would be like "yeah grandma hates you" and we'd laugh because it was so horrible it was funny or idk why it was just funny at the time. but its not funny anymore and i am not a kid anymore. i see things clearer.  i can sense when peopel have a problem with me. oh sure on the surface its all smiles hugs and cake. but she has thing way of making me feel worthless. like my mom but different. idk. she fostered my cousins and i guess its understandable she cares for them more than as just grandchildren.. but shes the same with my aunt airenes kids who she didnt foster and with jason and amelia...and that leave me. i know i am awkward. i know its hard for me to get close to people. even family.. sometimes especially family.. but is that an excuse? all she does is talk about corina alisha and manuel... all the time. and she knows im not speaking to manuel because he is a pervert and did very bad things to a 13 year old girl and getting his 17 year old gf pregnant.. and shes sitting there going on about making a blanket for his baby. a baby girl! and im so angry for so many reasons because hes so irresponsible and stupid and smokes and drinks and lies and steals and molests peoples sisters and it doesnt make sense.. here we are wanting a baby so badly and this terrible person is getting a baby girl. and she is the first great grandchild. it wasnt supposed to be like this. i thought if anything jason would have one before me.. maybe even renee.. but manuel with some random 17 year old girl.. i know it is stupid and maybe selfish but i wanted the first  baby.. but it isnt selfish. i guess its how you look at it but it doesnt feel selfish.. i just wanted it because i was the black sheep in my family amongst my cousins. there is always a favorite and i guess there had to be a least favorite. i knew the first great grand child would be the most favorite. they would never feel how i felt. theyd always feel loved.. it wouldnt eve cross their mind. anyways it just sucks. it also bugs me that she builds them up so much. manuel and alisha.. people doing nothing and just being stupid and ridiulous and she says nothing but good things about them.. even tho manuel is living with his gf and having sex... she says nthing about it. hes still wonderful.. but when i was living with tim and not having sex... i was lying and a terrible immoral person. she brings up corina and says she got a job back  at the pizza place.. all proud. and thats fine.. im glad she did too.. but then later in the conversation she  says to me... so will you get a job or keep taking it easy? taking it easy? I was going to school and getting all A's thank you... and i am working . and i had been looking for a job it wasnt by choice its freaking hard. and i've been doing freelance. oh and by the way i have a freaking condo to rent out and get ready and wtf . and she never even asks what i do even tho ive told her many times what its called she never cares to find out what it is. aparently its not as impressive as making pizzas or stealing from her purse like manuel does. taking it easy. basically saying being a freeloader. um no. i am not . i am not saying anything about it... but if she wants to call anyone a freeloader there is a long list before she can start pointing the finger at me. its like she has to even us all out. knock me down and build them up/ but i dont need her to tell me i am better than a child molesting sociopath. i know i am. it just pisses me off because sometimes i just want to scream at her and i know i cant. for some reason it is considered wrong to scream at old people. happy thoughts...oh the other day we cancelled our tv, phone and internet. idk why people have landlines anymore. or tv... we got an hdmi cable and steam all our shows now. we also bit the bullet and bought a laptop. a web developer without a laptop is like a painter without a brush. it finally because a necessity. and i love it. on it right now. its a lenovo ideapad p400 touch and its pretty and black. we were at best buy for like an hour going thru everyyyyyyyyyy laptop and both decided we liked this best. we asked the opiinion of an associate and he suggested an asus. and the reasons for it make no sense now... i think we were tired but it made no sense since the lenovo was a better system and only $20 more. and touch screen where the asus was not. windows 8 was made for touch screen.. we had the asus 3 days before we took it back. mostly because the keyboard and touchpad sucked, the sound was weird, it got dirty fast and something we found out after getting the lenovo is that it didnt work properly with some programs including sound for the tv even tho it was thru an hdmi cable. and a lot of simple things were made complicated. lenovo was just such a better choice. asus yuck. well its pretty late. tim has to be up at 7:15. i'm supposed to get up and iron his shirt. but idk if that'll happen.anyways hopefully things go better tomorrow with grandma but really i dont care.. im gonna say something next time. i will go crazy if thats what every interaction with her will be like living up here.

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[1750] .

i want to die.

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[1749] So Pissed

so i got another gift form my mom.... i dont understand these gifts. they're like homemade things. that are supposedly filled iwth sentimental value and whatknot. but i dont know what she expects from me. like to see this thing and think omg how thoughtful...? because really it just pisses me off.. why is she spending all this time and energy into this gift when we arent even speaking? Seems to me she should be figuring that out first. uhg its too annoying to talk about right now. idk whats wrong. i used to love writing in sit d when i was pissed. now it just pisses me off more. im so pissed...






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[1748] The Worst

worst day in a long time. I can't write about it. I feel like if I think any more about this my head is going to actually explode.

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[1747] Cake Pops

dang it. i wanted to make cake pops for halloween but i dont think I'll have time since i have to do homework still. grrr. idk maybe I'll






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[1746] Don't forget

what a day. what a week. I am to exhausted at the moment. but this is to remind me to write about it later.. maybe later today. About my birthday, about this weekend, about work, about my experience with central casting, about this morning and more. stay tuned.. or something.


Oh but one thing that cannot wait! iphone 4s!! I got it what? :) I loooove it. Its my favorite birthday present ever!! Timmy is the BEST. :)


I hear the guy downstairs snoring again.



lol. I'm back about 8 hours later at 5:30pm and the guy downstairs is STILL snoring!


ok so for my biiiirthday... timmy got me a kindle :) he gave it to me early cuz i had to go to the dmvon wednesday. woot. And then on my actual birthday he says to meet him at verizon :) and we got iphones. he got an iphone 4. I got the last iphone 4s they had :) he was going to get me the smaller size but they only had the 32Gig :). He said he didnt even know they had a 64 or he would have gotten me that! what? isn't he amazing?


We went to sal and steph's on saturday night. They got me hello kitty jammies! I looove them, they're sooo soft :) And stephnie made me... wait for it...  hello kitty CAKE POPS!! they were awesome! Then on sunday we went to magic mountain. We only rode 4 rides lol. but they were the new ones.. we hadnt been on the new ones before. it was sooo hot we left kinda early cuz we were exhausted and our feet hurt and timmy had a massive headache.


And also because I wanted to get home ealry and go to bed because I had to get up at 4am to be in studio city 20 minutes before 6am. I was going to be a background on the show Whitney.. but apparently central casting got all mixed up... basically I called on Friday evening for the show the mentalist. But i couldn't get through. So I called again for the show Whitney that i was trying earlier that day and couldn't get through. but i finally did. And the CD told me all the information and that my group was group a and my call time was 6am. So i call the number she gave me. for whitney. and everything all the info is for whitney. So there i am at 6am... checking in. And the dude says I'm not on his list and to call central casting emergency number. so i call and they have no idea what the heck is going on but that i am certainly not on whitney. So I'm like.. "ok. so should I leave?" and the girl is like "yes." not even a sorry for the inconvenience or anything. Just "yes.. uhm uh hold on let me clal you back" and she hangs up. So then she calls as I'm exiting the studio and says "you were supposed to be on the mentalist." and I told her i wasnt ever given any information for that show... so then she says "can you get to downtown LA?" and I'm like.. i guess.  and she's like "ok hold on let me call you back" again! and hangs up. so i start driving to downtown. And its like 15 minutes later and I'm almost in downtown but with no address because again.. i never got any information about the mentalist so i didn't know where the eff i was going. SO i pull over and call the number again. this time going to a different extention and speaking with someone else. i try to explain the situation and she is all snooty and implying its my fault.. saying "ok so you double booked?" uhm no. I did not double book. i onlyever spoke to 1 casting director. and i was only ever given 1 set of instructions. 1 location box. i am very thorough. as soon as i was off the phone on friday, i typed up all the info and printed it out. i got there on time. i did everything right and she is impying i screwed up... ugh. so then she puts me on hold for a million years and another lady comes on and she finally says that she doesn't know why i had information for whitney but that the casting director didnt need me anymore since it was past 7 and the call time was 6. and they already started. She also did not apologize. I asked if this happens a lot. And she said no and that she explained what happened to the casting director on set. but still. i look bad. no one but me and a few people know that it wasnt my fault. for all ayone else knows.. i just didn't show up. uhg! it pisses me off. I have been a member of central casting for a while and i not only finally get throught AND they can use me. And  this happens. no sorry, no reimbursement. And the show for whitney was for an airport scene so I'm dragging around my HUGE rolly suit case all over and it was embarrassing having to get up and leave in front of everyone. uhggggg . the candace lady seemed nice so i hope she doesn't get in trouble. but at the same time. i want to ask her what exactly happened. and the sucky part is i would have much rather have been on the mentalist than whitney anyways. grrrr. So that was my morning. at 5 or 6 am i got a massive headache and the feeling like i was going to get strip throat. it hurts to swallow and clear my throat :( so i decided to stay home from work.










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[1745] Birthday

Hello diary.


So I found the secret to central casting is to call all day long. because as soon as they fill a sot they take it off right away. i never understood the need for bluetooth until now.


I've been submitting for some more roles and such and whatknot on sites like mandy.com and nowcasting. i got a reply earlier today. Its for an animated tv pilot. I would be the voice of a young alien. Its pretty interested. He sent me the slides and I have to send back a voice demo by the 1st. Sal is going to help me by playing the 2 male roles in the scene. I haven't really heard much from Johnna since the night I worked on that scene. I did get an email about a week later saying we would be working on more in early November so I guess I should sit tight for a few more weeks. I hate waiting. But I'm excited for this voice over part. I've always wanted to do voice over work.


I am trying to find a speech therapist. No luck so far.


I took the day off on Thursday (yesterday). I don't wish i could take today off too.. its my birthday. woohoo happy birthday me. I am 25 ew. uhg. now what?


George asked me to work on his site. But he hasn't sent me anything. I asked him to point his domain to my nameserver and gave him very detailed instructions and it still hasn't been done. that was like 2 or 3 days ago. I hate when people ask you for favors and expect you to take it seriously when they aren't very serious themselves.



Timmy got me a kindle for my birthday :)

I already downloaded like 100 books and plays! And he got me the cool cover with the retractable light. wootz






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[1744] Toxic

say what you will about Goodwill.. and say whatever you want about the management (i hate them workers and manager lady).. but i always find nice clothes. 3 things i got today still had the tags on them. And i got about 6 or 7 tops and 2 skirts and 6 books (including the kite runner and a thousand splendid suns) for under $40. what? I know. I know.



ANywho. Yeah. I needed a nice pick me up. I got my paycheck today and I always go shopping at Goodwill on paycheck day. Especially when I am in a bad mood. And I have been in a particularly cruddy mood for the past week and a half. Not really mad or irritated, although those aren't completely out of the picture, but mostly depressed and lethargic. As it gets closer and closer to my birthday. and I gain more and more. dispite the fact that I am eating less and less calories. there's always something. Exercise. diet. now I read that sleep is a key ingredient to losing weight. uhm. sleep? seriously? grrrr. Closer to my end. Further from my dreams. Its like I am walking backwards all the time. Its like I am a dog with a treat tied to a stick infront of me.. you know so I never am able to get it but its there.. tauting and teasing. And I am getting so angry at myself. And my past and my family and so sick of myself for being angry. and so annoyed because I'm a baby. But it doesn't matter.


Speaking of being angry at my family. uhg. My grandma. she calls to say we should go to lunch for my birthday. I was at work at the time so she left a message. she basically said she wanted to meet in santa clarita and go to lunch. So i call her and during the call she talks about alllll these places she's going.. "Oh yeah I'm going here for a baby shower and then a wedding and then me and grandpa are driving up to Utah." blah blah blah. and I when i ask if we can meet for lunch in simi, she makes that "omg that's such an inconvenience" sigh. she JUST finished saying how she was going all sorts of places. And she is a grandma.. she has nothing else to do. I worked all week and she wants me to drive up there on my day off when its not really even a day off because i have school and house work and websites. And when she has come down to visit like everyone else. my uncle lives like 2 minutes away from me. literally 3 blocks. and she went to visit him without even calling me.. when she's never even been to my house ever. and she had grandpa with her and i never get to see him. And that wasn't even for like my uncles birthday. just went for a visit. just because. and she makes that noise... for my birthday??? wtf grandma. i don't even know if I want to see her. She lets people talk shit about me that isn't even true. But she got mad at me and hushes me for saying my uncle Rick is "mean" to me. i didn't say he is a jerk or a douche or a piece of shit. I said he is "mean" to me. And she got mad. When she let people in my family accuse me and tim of having sex when that's bullshit. we didn't have sex until after. not even after but way after we were married. because it hurt too much. but noooo. no one bothers to stick up for me when people are  saying I'm not a virgin anymore for no reason and implying I'm a whore.And even after that I still have gone up THERE. all the way not just meeting half way but all the way, on several occasions. NO! this is not a one sided relationship. this is bullshit. Screw it. I am going to tell her something came up. I don't need these toxic people.


on a less crap note. i have been having a lot of great ideas lately. hopefully something will come from them instead of just remaining thoughts.





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[1743] Incomplete

I feel incomplete.


I can't explain and I don't like it.


I don't know if its in general or just the end of that conversation. or all our conversations. or I'm just tired. I am pretty tired.


nothing feels like enough lately. can be applied to anything.





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[1742] Exiting Narnia

dont read this..

mostly just endless ranting of my aspergers. for venting and documentation.

and writing = understanding.


things have gotten better regarding the whole dierre being a dick situation. jeremy apologized and agreed to talk to me if he has any issues with me in the future and not dierre. needless to say, i dont like dierre now. he sucks. and i hate talking to him let alone working in the same cubicle. but sometimes its inevitable if i need to ask him something. so not that i wouldnt before but now i doubly double check my chimps so i dont make mistakes. less mistakes = less talking to dierre. and that makes it a litte more bareable. still exhausted but have been taking naps during lunch again. they changed the break room so now theres more healthy stuff available. so ive been eating carrots and celery and broccoli everyday this week.


I'm reading "Exiting Narnia" its a book about a girl with Autism written by her mother. Its ok so far. I like it and don't at the same time. I like parts but sometimes i get a weird feeling about it. maybe its because its by a mother and I have so much negativity associated with my own? idk. I just know sometimes it sounds like she's talking about an object. like she's explaining a science projet. instead of her daughter. and in the beginning... idk usually books say "to my lovely so and so because i love you and whatever" stuff like that. but this one just says "to jessy who couldn't speak and has spoken so much of this book". ok well thats not that bad but i guess you have to read the parts Ive read to get it. like how she writes down every conversation they have. probably not all but she is constantly taking notes. since she was a baby. and she files them. and one time she finished writing out their conversation and jessy was like "that will be filed under verbal". idk its weird. on the other side of things, its weird. reading about a mom that is so involved and interested and absorbed and connected. when my own mother is so.... my mother. its hard. sometimes i want to throw the book at the wall because I guess I'm jealous. jessy seems so happy. even with her limitations. but sheis autistic and on top of that she has aphasia. so its hard to overlook. aspergers yeah, you can function for the most part and hide it and get along reasonably well in life. but in so many ways its harder than some of the more challenging diseases and disorders people face just because of its invisibility and complexity and strangeness and vagueness. even after reading books and articles and researching for 2 years... I'm just scratching the surface.


And its funny. Because people think they get it. and even when they listen they aren't hearing it. its not just this or that. its a combination of things. everyone thinks autism and thinks... doesnt talk. everyone thinks adhd and thinks cant sit still. and aspergers.. socially impaired. but its so much more than that. most people with aspergers have at least some sort of sensory integration dysfunction (hyper/hypo sensitivity to certain or all senses). everyone is different and there are so many symptoms of aspergers that one person can be super quiet and shy and cant stand flourescent lights and unexpected sounds and being touched. and another can be super loud and aggressive and cant stand certain odors or sounds and invade peoples personal space. and another still can be seemingly normal and have fluidity of speech but not understand verbal cues and not look people in the eyes and blah blah blah. so many things. people think people with AS cant feel ANY empathy. and although yes I do struggle with it.. i don't think i am completely lacking. I always worried about how i would be as a mother because i dont have that "natural" nurturing thing most girls have. but I think I am lovable. and i can be loving. and i have had pets my whole. and i think thats helped. i associate mothering and nurturing to something in need or a weak or a baby. which is why i don't feel comfortable being nurturing to an adult or peer. and people think thats weird. or maybe they dont but it feels like it. it feel unnatural when i try. my younger cousins have called me "baby girl" and generally treat me like the younger one. and thats fine by me. its how i am most comfortable with women anyways. and its how my closest friends have treated me so its familiar. I don't mind it if its coming from a nice place. but anyways.


the saying comes to mind. the more things change the more they stay the same. and its true in the more i learn the more i dont know. the more i learn about myself i feel the more i am missing. ignorance really is bliss. becoming aware of certain things yes, has helped in so many ways. but its also hurt too. I've become anxious about things i probably wouldnt have been anxious about. obviously a trip to the doctor made me anxious before. but when asked why i could only think.. because i am going to the doctor. i dont know why. going to the doctor makes me anxious. after reading books about the kind of things that make people with AS anxious... explaining the problems with lights and sounds and crowds and waiting and smells and new environments and the unpredictable and new people.... all of this comes from a trip to the doctor. and now i know those are the things that will give me anxiety. and sometimes if i have time to prepare, it helps knowing. but if i don't.. it magnifies it. or something. i cant explain it.


having been 2 years and still not being able to find a doctor reasonably experienced with AS to some degree.. I have been becoming more and more stressed, lost and hopeless. How do others do it? Why do they have so much support and i dont? i love timmy but what is wrong with me that my own family isnt even willing to acknowledge it. my mom said she wanted to learn more and she wanted me to talk to her about it or explain it or whatevre. but every time i would bring it up or explain something... she would take it as me making excuses. when that wasn't the case. in lots of cases it didn't even apply. sometimes i just think everyone without aspergers is crazy. they are the crazy ones, we are normal. But more and more i know this not to be true. how can it be when i stick out like a sore thumb? especially in work environments. and even more so in my job now. Its the largest company i've worked for. and yeah, work has always presents a problem, if not one, another... every time i overcome one obstacle in the work place another presents itself. and with each company it seems the they all derive from the same place. a place i cant really put my finger on. that feeling of being at the tip of your tongue. its social. but its more than that. and to me its undescribable. and frustrating. emensely frustrating. to the point of tears and anger. punching walls and screaming at the top of my lungs in frustration. not everyday. it recycles in my chest. it seems the larger the company the greater the demand for such behaviors as "social ettiquite" and "office politics" and such. I never even heard of office politics before my job at smartquote. luckily i learned enough before getting this job or I would have made horrible mistakes. all my instincts are wrong when it comes to injustice at work. And without the knowledge from my previous employment and the advice of my 1 and only friend at work... i managed not to get myself fired. but i know the situation was still something different than it would have been for someone without AS. And I can't explain why without writing another 500 million words.


oh i just remembered something from the book. one part talks about how jessy hates "politeness". words like please, thank you, sorry, excuse me... she doesn't like to hear them and she doesn't like to say them. They aren't words to her they are sounds. And when i read that it was soooooooo me. Not to the same degree where i will scream like someone cut off my arm. again she is autistic and i am a lot more aware of whats acceptable. I had been notorious in my family for tantrums until late high school and i hate it. so i try to avoid them. i've learned to calm myself and tune tings out so i dont get frustrated. more tune out than calm really. i am trying to make it the opposite tho. but those words less now, more when i was a kid... irk me. they are like nails on a chalk board. ESPECIALLY an apology from my mother. or if someone tells me "what do you say?" I hated that phrase. It didnt make sense but I said what they wanted to hear. If you know why are you asking? And why do i have to say it if you know i don't mean it? I'm only saying it because you told me to and what go is that to anyone? but even now. sometimes when i am having particularly bad days i catch myself (sometimes too late) getting upset at tim for being nice. like asking how my day was. idk why. something about it makes me very angry. not at work, i've learned its rude, but at home i chew gum very loudly but i can not stand when other people do it. just tonight timmy told me how annoying i was being because i was chewing my gum so loud while i was reading.


a quote from the book - the mom recalling a trip to France- "when they spoke slowly, distinctly, in words i knew, about a subject with which i was familiar, i could get the gist of what they were saying. An hour of this and i was exhausted. And this is what Jessy experienced every day. no wonder she tuned out, didn't, couldn't pay attention"... obviously dont have that much trouble understanding what people are saying. especially now being older and becoming more aware. but there are times this applies to me and most of those times are at work/school. basically in any public crowded location where i have to directly and effectively communitcate with people i don't know on a regular basis. it hits me as much as the person i am speaking to like a ton of bricks. seemingly coming out of nowhere. the converation is going fine and then its just. awkward. and then its over. thats a good generalization of it. and we're both left confused. and i know its at what i said or didn't say but i don't know why or what that was until hours maybe even days later. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes finally able to understand a conversation i had a week ago. but its too late to fix it. and its frustrating. I'm not dumb. i can be but i as a whole am not dumb or retarded. i am pretty much as capable as anyone else. with a few missing parts. you cant even tell are missing until you really look closely. i dont know why people are so afraid to understand. is it laziness? coldness and meanness? indifference? Idc mostly but when it comes to my family well all those options suck.



uhg. what a dumb entry. for you. it was nice to get that out tho.



an old close friend from my old church, victoria... added me or attempted to add me on fb. what was she thinking? I'm not her friend. she is the same as all those corrupt jerks at that corrupt church of corruptness. The same church that thought it was ok that a youth pastor was touching me inappropriately. well fuck them. and fuck victoria.


I've been saying fuck a lot when I'm mad. Dierre says it about 600 times a day. Its getting stuck in my head. but it feels right.


we're going paintballing on sunday. idk how i feel about this. ive always been excited for paintball. but after last time.. my fingers still hurt thinking about it. it was snowing and i got shot in the fingers that were in front of the trigger so they got all sorts of smashed. and they were red and purple and blue and swollen and hurty. and i hate paintball masks. always too big. always cant breath.



i texted Casey. idk why. i guess i missed talking to him. i miss him sometimes. he's doing good. thats good. idk what to say about it.



uhg i forgot the main point of this entry and now that i remembered it im too tired to write it out... o well. its about talking to this lady tim met. she said she knew about aspergers and to call her. so i did. but im too exhausted. going to go to sleep.








side note: some researchers have linked AS with dyslexia.. note this entence before i edited it. as i always have to reread my posts to avoid errors. and still miss many....

to the point of tears and angry. punching walls and screaming at the top of my lung frustration

its a small example but i thought worth pointing out. not exactly mixing letters but its related in a way...






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[1741] Because My Head Hurts

Wow. its been a while. But so much is going on. Not really but my mind and body can't handle it. I go to work. come home. sleep. I would love to work on all my side projects consistently but I'm lucky if I get in an hour for any of them. I'd say on a scale of 1-10 for how crappy/exhausted/overwhlemed i've been feeling i was at an 8 or 9. now i would say a 6 to 8 but at the same time i think i am just getting used to it. i would schedule another doctors appointment but 1. they never know whats up. 2. i cant take any time off work right now... theres some stuff going on. ridiculous stuff.


it makes my mind want to explode from exhaustion just thinking about it so I am not going to go into detail. but basically to start... work has been hard enough without the ridiculousness of Friday. not only adjusting back to a regular schedule but to a completely new working environment that makes my Asperger's symptoms monumentally clearer. The bright lights and constant noise and movement and people on top of customer services and a jerky co worker i have to share a cubicle with. That was enough. but it wasn't a deal breaker. I wasn't considering quitting, i just knew it would take a while to get used to and to learn how to cope with those things that made me crazy. But then on Friday, I realized... maybe i'm just not cut out for this. this job, any job. idk. I was coming in 9-6. At the beginning I would work 9-6 and take a 30 minute lunch or no lunch. Jeremy started telling me to take 1 hour lunches. So i did. I started talking more and more to my co worker James. He's the only person at this job I talk to. And I learned his schedule. 8-4 with an hour lunch since I started. Well. that's 8 hours. so why was i working 9-6 with an hour lunch? that's 9 hours. I started coming in around 9:15-9:30. still working 8.5 hours. .5 hours more than james who is doing the same exact job i am. So i started coming in 915-9:30 all week. Friday I come in and Dierre (who works right next to me) sends me an email saying that I am coming in late and that i need to come in at 9 or change my schedule to 9:30-6:30. i decided to talk to tim about it first. he agreed dierre is an asshole. anyways, so i get back from lunch and i decide to talk to james abut about it. james says to ignore dierre and talk to jeremy about it. he said dierre is just our co worker, jeremy is our boss. so i started writing jeremy an email because i am better on paper. and behind me jeremy is walking by dierres desk and dierre stops him and says "so when do you wanna meet?" and jeremy is like "how about 2:30" and I get a strange feeling its a meeting about me. so i tell james and james is skeptical but i finishmy email early and send it anyways so he reads it before thier meeting. he answers confirming that yes, the meeting is indeed about me. seriously? don't confront me about it all week... tell me once in a freaking email and schedule a meeting that day? I wasnt even given the chance to correct it. So they have their meeting and jeremy emails me saying that he will tell me on monday what they come up with they ahve to sort things out or something. and i tell james and james is like what? sort what out? and I'm like idk. Then james leaves and later dierre leaves early. and I'm alone and jeremy is there and he asks me to have a meeting with him. and he brings up ALL the things I've done even remotely wrong since I started. (100% brought up by Dierre because james isnt a jerk and jeremy isnt around to know anything). none of this was EVER brought to my attention. not once. And now I am being told, like this? After they've already had a meeting about me. like i was a child? No. If this was james... they would give him the respect and talk to him first. not involve another co worker in his business. this wouldn't happen for anyone. I am just going to wrap this up because there is a lot that happened but i need to go to sleep and this is making me angry just thinking about it but. basically they are sexist. all the women are in people person roles and the men are in technical roles. i mean some men are in the people person roles. but i dont think i've seen ANY girls in a very technical role. and i think they are discriminating based on that. no one likes the unfamiliar and i have so much unfamiliarity wrapped all around me. i am a hispanic girl with an interest in technical crap and they're all set in their cookie cutter ways. and dierre is a jerk. and this job was hard enough just getting used to all that sensory stuff without a jerk setting me up for failure. without someone so malicious working right next to me.


I've read about how this happens to people with AS all the time. its like dogs. dogs can smell fear. well people can sense aspergers and know they can take advantage. they know there is something vulnerable and weak.


that started to not make sense at the end because my head hurts.


other than that.... we are finishing up the bathroom finally.


i enrolled in a class at smcc. the others were full boo. but i think 1 is all i could handle right now anyways. so its ok. i might try to get into this other one tho. it shouldn't be too hard. its an introductory course, a prerequisite i need for some of the other classes i want next semester.


im going to be looking around for another job starting tomorrow. i wont quit. but i wont be too disappointed if they fire me. i dont like it there. and dierre is making sure of it.





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[1740] House

I found my DREAM house! I don't even want to post it because someone might take it. its not even like how it looks inside so much as the POOL/Bakyard and the front yard and the neighborhood is soo cute and its on a culdesac and its cheaper my previous dream house.



Isn't it pretty?!?! I want it. Probably wont be able to afford a house for 6 more months. But i know this wont be available by then. I'll have to look for something else... :(



We want to remodel our kitchen. Or. I want to. Timmy doesn't want to do anything that requires spending money. But i think he thinks it'll be a good idea. because he doesn't completely like the idea, but he hasn't said no. So that means he's on board. Plus it'll be good because we want to rent it out when we move. And no one is going to overlook this unfunctional kitchen like we did. There's not even a pantry! or a space for a trash. But i have mapped out some pretty nifty plans. I really dont think it will cost that much. Its such a small space and all we want to do is the floors and cabinets really. the bigger things will be "built in" fridge and wall over. And of course some counter tops. an OTR/ventilation microwave. maybe a trash compactor. that's all. i just want to start tearing the cabinets out. but timmy would kill me. but if we start the we have to finish. his excuse is the bathroom. but thats another story. we cant finish that yet because i want to tile the shower. and the kitchen is more important.



work has been ok. Still so exhausted but. getting used to it. able to cope. sometimes i take naps in my car. timmy calls to wake me up. I am trying to eat healthier and drink more water and altho that makes me feel better overall... it doesn't do anything for how tired i feel. definitely helps with my stomach aches and i think drinking more water helps with headaches. i wish i knew what would help with tiredness. i went to bed early the last couple nights. doesn't matter tho. uhg.



Rudy simone posted on her fb wall:

"Aspergirl-friends. I need a few more quotes for the new book from your partners--can you ask: what attracted him/her to you in the first place? And what they find the most rewarding/challenging part of your relationship? send it in a message do not post it here."

I metioned it to Timmy andddd this is what he emailed her:

"My name is Tim Frei and I saw your post and just would like to share a few things about how I was attracted to my wife Jeni in the first place. She was diagnosed about a year ago with AS and we met on myspace 6 years ago and have been happily married for a little over three years now and are definitely learning a lot about AS and ourselves. So the first thing that caught my eye before we even met in person was her creativity  from her myspace profile and it was very intriguing and I hadn't really known anyone like her before.  When we actually met in person I noticed she had her very own unique sense of style and she didn't really follow whatever was trendy she just did her own thing.  That is one part of her personality that I love, because she isn't concerned with what everyone else is doing.  When we first started talking I loved that she has a very quirky sense of humor that you can always expect her to say something pretty funny.  She is definitely the funniest person that I know and I could always relate to her personality.  These are just a few things that I love about her and hopefully they will help for your new book."








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[1739] Now I Have No Nose

i think someone shot a skunk outside... i want to shoot my nose off.



alisha came over. we saw Bridesmaids. I like having alisha over but i always feel bad because there is nothing to do. even more so cuz i am so tired right now. and cuz we slept the day away. o well. i gave her clothes and a pair of black converse that dont fit me. she gave me her pink ones :) yay.


I'm too tired to finish this. and i would rather read mocking jay. Catching fire was soooo good :)

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Entry List
9/ Analysis
8/ Insomnia
7/ Fear
6/ Commitment
5/ Insanity
4/ Inventory
3/ Anger
2/ Focus
1/ Recovery
Trial & Error
Hello Again
Last Night
Good Job
Squishy ice cubes
Over Simplified
The Afterglow
21. Dots and Dashes
17. In The Dark
10. Among Other Things
[2060] Le Temps d'un souffle...
[2025] Coup de Grace
[2017] The Way That It Will Be
[2006] Things That Matter
[2005] It
[2002] Must Be Nice
[1997] Coincidental
[1996] Apparently
[1981] Good morning,...
[1962] Praha II
[1968] Praha
[1966] Danke Scheon
[1963] Forlander
[1905] Flarm
[1883] Because
[1855] Cloudy with a Chance...
[1851] Double Rainbows and...
[1849] Then You Can Start
[1841] The Silence
[1829] Desires
[1827] Changing Directions
[1826] Damaged Need Not Apply
[1825] /Dies
[1824] Acceptance
[1822] Trust
[1819] Banana in the Dark
[1816] What's This?
[1815] 6th
[1811] Wabbits
[1809] What's the Dinosaur...
[1807] Grandma and Bea
[1806] Dear God this...
[1803] Cheers
[1797] One After the Other
[1796] Doors
[1794] Welpy
[1792] Ruh-roh!
[1790] Forgotten
[1787] C-3PO
[1786] Let Me Be Nice
[1785] ORRR
[1784] Sh!t Talking?
[1783] DO
[1782] Under the Hood
[1781] Duck Duck.. Goose?
[1780] Handbone
[1778] 1 week
[1777] Family?
[1774] GIRLS
[1769] 26 - 28
[1768] Pros and Cons
[1767] Bell Jar
[1766] To Be Out of Here
[1764] The Grove
[1762] Forgot Again
[1761] Recently
[1760] Never Learn
[1759] things
[1758] Oh Hello
[1757] A Feeling
[1756] Stabby Knight Syndrome
[1755] Aubrie
[1754] Getting Things Done
[1752] Ketchup Is Sticky
[1750] .
[1749] So Pissed
[1748] The Worst
[1747] Cake Pops
[1746] Don't forget
[1745] Birthday
[1744] Toxic
[1743] Incomplete
[1742] Exiting Narnia
[1741] Because My Head Hurts
[1740] House
[1739] Now I Have No Nose
[1738] I Miss It
[1737] All The LIttle Things
[1736] Top Shot
[1734] Carpe Diem
[1733] Sleep Apnea
[1732] Soo...
[1731] You Don't Have To Say...
[1729] Give It Up
[1728] Too Good To Be
[1727] People
[1726] Guess What!
[1725] RIP my sweet boy
[1724] Goodbye Sweet Boy
[1723] Intussesception
[1722] Beef Stew
[1722] Lemons
[1721] Nightmare
[1720] Being Nerdy
[1719] Conflicted
[1718] More Time To Write
[1717] Hopefully
[1716] My Moose
[1715] Bruxism
[1714] The Grind
[1713] Ambiguity
[1712] The Worst Ever
[1710] Its a date?
[1709] Weird
[1708] Have To
[1707] Overnight Vegan
[1706] No kidding
[1704] Want
[1703] Creeps
[1702] Goodbye E3
[1701] Day 1
[1700] E3 2011
[1699] Don't Print Bobby Pin
[1698] Go Carts!
[1697] People
[1696] L.A. Noire
[1695] Jefri's Condo
[1694] But for now...
[1693] Stomach Issues &...
[1691] Loved
[1690] Stupid
[1689] Snuggly Blankets and...
[1688] I Didn't Ask Him To
[1687] Life and Love
[1684] Book Update
[1683] Double Standards
[1681] That's what she said
[1679] Ignorance
[1675] Poor Little Bird
[1674] DONE & DONE
[1673] Burn
[1672] Thinking Like A Man
[1671] 127 Days
[1670] Qualities and...
[1669] Momentum
[1668] Elegantly Posed To...
[1667] Whatever
[1666] TMJ and TMI
[1665] Neat video is neat
[1664] He said hi, i said...
[1663] Going Home
[1661] Double Rainbow!!!
[1660] POOP
[1659] Woah Buddy
[1658] If I Only Had an Axe
[1657] FullTimez and Bennies
[1653] Douchebags
[1650] Solutions for Adults...
[1649] Orrreeeallly-ohes?
[1648] Wishy Washy
[1646] Who Cares
[1645] Irlen Lenses
[1643] That's Money Honey
[1641] All Week
[1640] More Than Anything
[1639] Most Likely
[1638] /stab
[1637] And I don't know how
[1636] Dang
[1635] The Soup
[1634] But I Like Lobsters
[1633] Inception
[1632] Actually...
[1631] Responsibility, whats...
[1630] E3
[1629] WTF
[1628] /Stab.
[1627] Cheesus Christ!!
[1625] UHF
[1624] So Yeah
[1623] Speaking of...
[1622] Punchy?
[1621] For Now...
[1620] It Didn't Suck
[1618] Jefri Has A Girlfriend
[1617] All I Need To Be
[1616] E3!!
[1615] Higher Ups and Mochi
[1614] Headshots
[1613] Baby you got it
[1612] Eat My Heart
[1611] City Walk and Central...
[1610] Closer
[1609] Monologues and Floppy...
[1608] To be or not to be...
[1606] Clearly
[1605] She's already gone away
[1604] What If...
[1603] Grrrr
[1602] A Short Cut We'll...
[1601] As Stars Lean Down to...
[1600] Quickie
[1599] Exactly
[1598] Douche Baggery
[1597] Doppleganger
[1596] Cream Cheese?
[1595] I Hate Vista
[1594] To The Window, To The...
[1593] Countrylife vs...
[1592] Karrett
[1591] Flash
[1590] Rihanna
[1589] Spinning
[1588] The Tip Of The Ice Berg
[1587] Candy Coated Clouds
[1586] Changing All The Colors
[1585] Prestige
[1584] Christmas Cards
[1583] The Only Road I Know
[1582] You Don't Say...
[1581] Seriously?
[1580] Manuel
[1579] Sooner Than Later
[1578] A foxtrot above my head
[1577] Short
[1576] Modern Warfare
[1575] Emmett??
[1574] Have Fun Storming The...
[1573] Cock Pushups?
[1572] Let This Go
[1571] Tell Them To Build A...
[1569] STUPID!
[1568] New Moon
[1567] Look Me In The Eye
[1566] Where The Lines Overlap
[1565] To Bury The Castle
[1564] If Only
[1563] Attention Attention
[1562] Ass Burger
[1561] What and What Not
[1560] Bored
[1559] Male Prima Donna
[1558] Translucent
[1557] Bayside Halloween Show
[1556] Panic Research
[1555] No Sympathy
[1554] Claim To The Evidence
[1553] Undo The Knot You've...
[1552] Use Somebody
[1551] 1st Appointment
[1550] Dear Tragedy
[1548] The Nights That We...
[1547] I Threw It On The...
[1546] And I Feel Nothing
[1545] Birthday Times
[1544] Bored.
[1542] Cry Me A River
[1541] Screaming
[1540] MAYDAY!
[1539] Why 2K?
[1537] Next Time You Point A...
[1535] Now I Can't Trust...
[1534] Je' Taime
[1533] That's What You Get...
[1532] I'm at it again
[1531] Killing Time
[1530] With Every Year That...
[1529] ready
[1527] Home Sick
[1525] Fingertips have...
[1524] I Don't Get It
[1521] Hardly Indestructable
[1520] Time Turned Fragile
[1519] The Right To Write Me...
[1517] The beginning of all...
[1516] You Beach
[1515] Personality Quiz
[1514] Awkward
[1512] What and Whatknot
[1511] What's in a name?
[1510] Abnormally...
[1508] Crappy Friends and...
[1507] Noobs
[1505] Bunnies leave bite...
[1504] Cool friends and...
[1502] How to fix everything,...
[1501] Speak
[1500] rambling
[1499] Blurrr
[1497] Bubbles
[1496] Giant Jeni
[1495] Being grown up is silly
[1494] It ain't easy bein'...
[1493] Experiment
[1491] Today was a down day :p
[1490] & my heart would hit...
[1488] Drink up Beautiful
[1486] & it starts just like...
[1485] home
[1484] Kazzingachicken?
[1483] mah
[1482] take me home
[1481] Cold & Blue & Lifeless
[1480] Long survey
[1478] Blah blah blah.. banana
[1477] O boy!
[1476] So I pace the halls to...
[1475] Books & Cold Stones
[1474] ARG!
[1473] Tortures of the damned
[1472] Just enough to love you
[1471] Sometimes..
[1470] Dear Tragedy
[1468] No one understands
[1467] Nice
[1466] We'd stay there forever
[1465] Mayday, Mayday!
[1464] Sundays
[1463] Get Your Fix
[1461] "Husbandy"
[1460] Eat My Brains & I'll...
[1459] Ring, Ring!
[1458] Do do do . Banana.
[1457] 365 Reasons Why...
[1453] Ask and you shall...
[1452] Tim Always Knows
[1451] Almost Here
[1450] New Moon
[1449] On Purpose
[1448] This Place
[1447] Prozac Problems
[1446] lets change things up...
[1445] Coming Close
[1444] Meh
[1443] Seriously?
[1442] Tick Tock
[1441] Bad Ass
[1440] People Suck
[1439] Its nice
[1438] Sanding Sucks
[1437] Today was good
[1436] A Happy Ending
[1435] Somersaults
[1434] The Panic Begins
[1433] Craigs list & Cat...
[1432] Pretty n' Pink
[1431] Lame News
[1430] Are you Mocking me?
[1429] Perfect POnies
[1428] And Everything Just...
[1427] Victims from the...
[1426] 2 Weeks to Live
[1425] o Joy!
[1424] Pros and Cons
[1423] DJ Hero
[1422] And then 3 became 5
[1420] Mac FTW
[1419] EEEEE I HAS A MAC!!!!!!
[1418] 10 Reasons
[1417] Unexpected Gifts
[1416] Much Better Things..
[1415] Bologna?
[1414] 2 Ducks Sitting In A...
[1413] Cheats and Drums,...
[1412] Sunset and Santa Monica
[1411] Topanga can Suck it
[1410] Jeni Land
[1409] Bigger People
[1408] What A Noob
[1407] Titles and Numbers
[1406] Sleeping In
[1405] Deflate The Air From...
[1404] Bite Sized Pieces
[1403] Tuesday
[1402] Torrance vs El Segundo
[1401] QA Training Day 1:
[1400] Hi world.
[1399] A Note On Your Bed
[1397] Pink Lemonade
[1395] Its Been A While
[1394] Peanut Butter...
[1393] Snap Back
[1392] Freaking Out
[1391] Activision
[1390] Doctor Appointment
[1389] Cake
[1388] Until My Feet Don't...
[1385] Jeni the Builder
[1383] 100 lbs!
[1382] Broken or Gross
[1380] But We Will Never Fold
[1378] The Cure
[1377] Too Little Too Late
[1375] Is Everyone Here...
[1374] Now I Wonder
[1371] Iz Businez Time
[1370] Oh Yaz?
[1369] personality in a paste
[1367] At the Beginning
[1366] Typical
[1365] Resolution
[1363] I am no bird
[1361] Its A Pity...
[1360] Not So Novice...
[1357] Yahoo..
[1356] People I know
[1355] Christmas 08
[1354] Almost
[1353] Neverending
[1352] Who do they think they...
[1348] Christmas Shopping
[1347] Silly Goose
[1346] Junk Mail
[1345] Soul Mates
[1344] Oh Really?
[1343] Walk On Water Or Drown
[1341] Run Away, And Never...
[1340] A Picture Worth a...
[1339] And I've Brought Some...
[1338] Plain Yogurt
[1337] BFF's
[1336] Eyes Meeting Over The...
[1334] And Since We've No...
[1333] A show of hearts, who...
[1330] Never FInish A Book
[1328] First they're sour ...
[1327] Corners and Cones
[1326] Choli
[1325] Thanksgiving part II
[1324] Thanksgiving part I
[1323] Pancakes & Candied Yams
[1322] Tongue-Tied and...
[1320] Thanks But No Thanks
[1319] New Hair
[1318] Changing All ThE COlors
[1317] Fairness Is Failing
[1314] And All Of Those...
[1311] Such Boundless Pleasure
[1310] The Bird Is the Word
[1307] A GOsh Darn...
[1306] Its Funny Cause It's...
[1305] Buttcritter
[1304] To Be Loved
[1301] History In the Making
[1298] Best Day Ever
[1296] Cry Baby
[1295] Bored.
[1294] Keep talking
[1293] Thrill Planet
[1292] Peachy
[1291] Hot n Cold
[1290] Are we having fun or...
[1289] To Be Haunted
[1288] Blue sweater and an...
[1287] WHOA 1500! plus 1
[1285] The Only Song
[1283] awkward..
[1281] Drain the Blood
[1279] All Nighter
[1276] freister661
[1274] Progress Continued..
[1267] Cold & Blue & Lifeles
[1266] Everything we need is...
[1265] Made of Glass
[1264] pissed
[1263] frozen things they all...
[1262] only..
[1261] my domain
[1260] If you can't beat em,
[1258] You never missed a...
[1257] Mental Abuse
[1255] very tricky
[1254] The Fall
[1252] Denial Never Hurt...
[1251] Ahhhh
[1250] Yet Again
[1462] Forgetting is a sin
[1461] My Dress
[1460] how now brown cow
[1458] The Basics
[1456] the littlest mermaid
[1455] Helpless.
[1454] Forgive and Forget
[1453] Retraction
[321] Don't read me, I have a...
[142]I dont want to run...
[1450] 321 Penguin!
[1448] High Above the Trees
[1445] Mama Mia
[1444] I Dream In Wishes
[1443] Save the Date
[1439] Eyes Glued To His
[1438] You Call It Fate, I...
[1437] Banana Pancakes
[1435] It Felt So Wrong, It...
[1433] Cmon Cmon
[1431] And I liked it...
[1429] Love and Marriage
[1427] Artificial flavored...
[1426] I landed on the island...
[1424] Not Again..
[1423] How do you know?
[1421] Cuz I'm always on the...
[1420] Pictures
[1419] 4th of July
[1418] Wusband and Hife
[1417] Call It Karma
[1416] Viva Lost Cell Phone
[1415] It could be the same...
[1414] If you had a chance to...
[1412] Maybe Not
[1411] Family Fued
[1410] I'mma New Soul
[1409] Maybe Monday
[1408] Taste these teeth...
[1407] One Banana Stand At A...
[1405] Zingy Zingy Zingy
[1404] Early Bird Gets Nothing
[1398] It Starts.
[1397] False Pretense
[1396] My eyes are melting
[1393] Hello Kitty
[13 92] Friedly Fire
[1390] Hands Down
[1389] Oh Sexxay...
[1387] Like A Desperate...
[1381] Mini Roses
[1380] "MOO"
[1379] In the Hole
[1377] Rock the Cradle
[1375] As Soon As You Start...
[1372] Run Baby, Run
[1371] And it teases you for...
[1370] Images
[1369] The Closer
[1367] Release
[1365] Stop and Stare
[1366] What Gets You Through...
[1361] Easter Eggs and Karma...
[1359] Michelle My Belle
[1356] BAH!
[1355] Some People
[1354] Hmm
[1350] BEYOND
[1347] Imagine All The People
[1342] A Job Well Done?
[1341] Daily News
[1338] My Foot Is Asleep
[1332] Simple and Plane?
[1330] Bendy Straws
[1329] Is Narnia in the...
[1328] I'm A New Soul
[1327] Hermit Crabs Are Gross
[1326] Last Last Time
[1324] Juxtaposed
[1321] zours
[1320] It's You
[1318] Setting the New...
[1317] He likes how I shake...
[1312] MVP
[1310] superimposed
[1309] very funny
[1306] The Definition Of A...
[1305] Homemade Cards And Die...
[1303] I Can't Deny
[1300] Oh
[1298] Pointlessness
[1296] Not To Brag..
[1294] The White Stuff..
[1293] A Matter of Time
[1289] Just Get Over It
[1288] Well
[1286] Makin Babies
[1285] Ginger Bread Houses
[1284] Jam and Pim
[1283] Oh Man
[1282] Thankful
[1281] Half Alive
[1280] Hundreds of Pages,...
[1278] Phantom of the Opera
[1277] The MEat Of LOve
[1276] So, So I Don't Know
[1274] For Little You Or...
[1271] Happy Feet
[1270] Epic
[1269] Liife is Wonderful
[1267] This Isn't Hollywood
[1265] That's What HE said
[1263] I was so
[1262] Boys Like Girls
[1261] I Am Over It
[1259] I Feel Good All Over
[1258] Running Right Behind...
[1257] Officially Unofficial
[1255] Naked Lunch Is Natural...
[1256] Blue Jean Baby
[1254] I Know Everything...
[1253] Footprints On My...
[1252] harlequin girl
[1251] uhm
[1250] Graphic Design
[1248] That's
[1247] Well..
[1246] Sunday Morning
[1244] i might disappear
[1243]It's too...
[1242] Like A Drug
[1240] hear me out
[1237] Aww and AHHH!
[1235] Santa Cruz
[1234] Painting
[1225] Pencil Sharpeners &...
[1223] Why not..
[1222] Nothing without you
[1220] just another survey
[1216 1/2]
[1214] i need a poptart
[1212] Kelly Anne
[1211] running away
[1210] yellow and lime
[1205] Let it be
[1203] It's Official
[1099] Across The Universe
[1095] title and registration
[1094] Are You Ready To...
[1092] I shot you in the face...
[1090] whatever what?
[1089] breathing
[1087] finish this later
[1084] like a raindrop
[1082 1/2]
[1081]survey thingy
[1079] this is a reminder
[1071] funny face
[1070] p50
[1069] and eat it too
[167] renee is gay
[1065] Couch
[1063] I dont care
[1058] The Rest
[1057] finding neverland
[1050] no title.
[1048] radio on
[1047] in other words..
[1045] If you ever had a...
[1043] I hold sunlight &...
[1039] going nowhere
[1036] The way I am
[1033] bridal shops and zuma...
[1032] my only one
[1029] hunger
[1027] POP goes my heart
[1026] tooools
[1025] bodily functions
[1024] Gravity
[1022] photoshop 101
[1019] diligently doubtful
[1018] TSS
[1017] not worth mentioning,...
[1010] BAH!
[1008] oh, you're alone
[1007] mind boggling
[1001] "sup"
[1001]the real 1000
[1000] and the winner is!...
[999] spanglish
[985] and makes me realize
[986] Makes Me Wonder
[982] the last couple years
[980] your hands are mine to...
[977] and all the kings...
[975] commonplace occurances
[974] there aint nothin to...
[972] nothing gold can stay?
[967] i think not
[964] shooting star
[961] double sided tape
[953] i hate sleep
[952] Going to the chapel &...
[949] I cant think of a...
[948] All about those words..
[947] Geek in the Pink
[944] Hits her like a ton of...
[943] adhesive bandages...
[942] Ryan Atwood?
[940] sibling rivalry
[939] he's gotta be strong,...
[938] one day i slowly...
[935] walkign and singing...
[932] amanda must die...
[930] In a flash...
[929] Humphry Bogart stole my...
[928] timmy fry fry
[927] i got you babe
[918] Don't let the..
[917] August I'll see you...
[915] cuz its sexy
[914] january 6th
[910] This Christmas
[909] wow i wrote alot of...
[908] Thailand or bust
[904] coffee break
[901] Best buy blows
[895] parinoid
[894] Curve balls
[891] almost alive
[889] this could be different
[786] cold stones and warm...
[785] globalization is...
[781] screw it
[779] From the freeway
[763] tonight
[762] boring again
[759] boring
[760] top of the mornin to ya
[758] no name face
[757] pretty much...
[752] i cant find my phone...
[749] dirty pirate hooker
[747] things change...
[744] on wednesdays we wear...
[745] ash hole
[746] i guess..
[740] mondayness
[743] it helps
[742] 21st
[738] fine.
[739] i hate myself
[735] So Little Purpose...
[732] well..
[731] Bianca Bear
[729] yeah..
[719] Mothers Day
[718] Jefferton
[714] one thats all your own
[711] X-games continued
[710] X-games
[707] Country Time
[706] We'll hide indoors
[704] Cuz I Cannnnn
[703] my depth perception
[702] Innocence Again
[700] the plan
[698]entry title
[697] In the FACE!
[695] In Roswell
[694] Shirt PUrses
[693] One Word...
[692] Now You Know
[688] Number Two
[685] just catching up
[684] Sit D is Healed
[683] Gotta make that mottor...
[679] Entirely Useless
[677] ya know..
[675] Straight Up Now Tell Me
[673] ANother Way
[672] Blame It On Bad Luck
[671] December 9th
[670] All You Wanted
[649] Until this echo can...
[648] Hey
[667] 8:40
[664] Douse the lights
[665] i tried to be...
[660] All In Your Hands
[659] subside
[658] Caricature of intimacy
[657] & paying in naivity
[656] whats best?
[653] It starts
[652] "How Are You?"
[647] So contagious
[646] The Art of Growing Up
[643] Tomorrow is the new...
[641] but its better if you do
[640] storage
[639] heart & soul
[637] so far
[636] writers block
[635] titles are overrated
[633] Raindrops on Roses
[632] 5:15 and beyond
[629] lunch backwards is...
[627] I'm the new cancer
[626] TRY
[625] swing kids
[624] knmsdn
[622] Hippie Monkey
[621] A quick one
[618] Viva La Difference
[615] CABOOSE!
[610] Just this once
[609] What Good Is It?
[608] Pour it out
[605] 6:25
[604] teddy grams and kelly...
[602] thingy i do
[600] Blank
[598] PG
[596] Unthinkable
[595] ...on both accounts
[592] On a day like this
[591] Take my breath away
[589] forever to get here
[588] survey
[587] sos
[585] so this is the new year
[583] back in black
[580] christmas
[579] Nite before Christmas
[577] Click here
[575] Brown and baige
[574] Indestructable
[570] Chicken Little
[569] Out and about
[565] American Reject
[562] the taste of saint...
[560] Turks!
[558] Marriage and divorce
[556] Hey tony!
[552] Beachen'
[551] Whatever
[550] The Travis
[547] Not gonna happen
[545] Like Fandango
[544] Cute in the rain
[543] Shocker
[541] cereal killer
[539] TWO stupid to count
[537] bleh
[536] All sortsa time
[533] unfinished
[532] Keep me in tune
[531] Hoctober 31st
[530] literate and stylish
[529] water fills these open...
[527] too good to be true
[526] ESPN or something
[524] Picture this
[522] Lime Flavored
[521] What gives?
[517] Worth the pain
[513] 20 questions
[512] Dear Diary
[509] burts bee's
[511] meow, isnt that nice?
[507] I ate carrots
[506] five O six
[504] That simple
[502] Throw it back
[499] September ends tonite
[498] Juxtapose myself and me
[496] Walls of Porn
[495] Mommy dearest
[494] NUTS!
[491] Cuz after all..
[490] sendin me straight to...
[489] Shrinking?
[487] a glimpse
[486] YAy for that
[485] weezererererer...
[484] So deep that it didnt...
[483] No heavy thoughts
[481] pink pops and red eyes
[480] pictures cuz i can
[477] Turn It Inside Out So I...
[476] Big Brothers
[474] Short and Stout
[473] The M word!
[472] Gaps in History
[471] Oh guess what
[470] my heart is spoken for
[468] the biggest yellow...
[467] Goodwill
[466] Crazy Selfish
[463] Left Unsaid
[460] monday
[456] A Good Scream!
[455] When I wanna be
[453] Incoherent response
[452] No Friends
[450] Fall to pieces
[451] Delta pics
[449] For a week at a time
[447] I can't live
[445] its all in you
[446] Always something
[442] I'm a notebook?
[441] Ventura theater
[438] Feel and felt better
[436] ndusfsduifbsdfg
[435] Dont put it out with...
[434] 1 Month
[431] Boys are like
[430] Nothing
[429] basically
[428] For a week
[426] Like riding a bicycle
[423] i like bruises
[422] Delta whAAAt?
[419] sean & jeni pictures
[417] "whAAAAAAA?"
[416] coOOOOOokie crisp!
[415] frikken whoa
[414] yawn
[413] TGI Friday
[411] live a colorful life
[412] For you only
[410] Accuse me?
[409] How much longer will...
[408] duckie hearts P-tree
[407] freak out
[406] wanna bake me cupcakes?
[404] i have a sean?
[400] 400!!!!!
[399] Beachen'
[396] new season
[395] pictures!!!
[394] are we in space? do we...
[393] mmmmHMMM!
[391] water is for quiters
[390] I love lamp
[389] But i just keep tryin
[388] kick me
[382] Look at the MOON
[385] To make plans and...
[381] suck
[383] show time
[382] pictures are fun
[381] to eat or not to eat?
[380] why do u wait on me?
[379] yeah. but what color...
[377] i think i might just..
[374] something unpredictable
[373] If you see a change in...
[371] such sweet sorrow
[367] the roaring 20's
[364] poo poo
[360] heh.. 360 eh?
[356] Entry Title
[355] you make me wanna "la...
[352] Who am i?
[343] The spectrum's A to Z
[342] Kiss me I'm romantic!
[341] Oh! Oh yes indeed
[340] We looked like giants
[339] DOH!
[337] Shhh don't tell!
[336] The dingo ate my...
[335] Little miss apprehensive
[334] Shoes on the ceiling
[333] lalala da bears
[331] And ended so soon
[329] PANCAKED...
[328] Red lettered day
[327] My life....
[326] Baby eys
[325] Does evil exist?
[323] So sick of being tired...
[321] Noticing Nothing Again
[318] Sat and Sun
[316] You + Me = Us
[315] Not Even A Little Bit
[314] Love and Angels
[313] Bu-bu-bu-bunnies are...
[312] R is for Rawr
[310] Are you ugly?
[309] a new start
[308] I hate them all
[307] not going anywhere
[306] 3 In The AM
[305] I dream of... Justin...
[303] I'm invisible
[302] It's Over
[298] when they doubt
[297] Hmm.
[296] nope, not at all
[295] unfinished
[294] Tehacha' what?
[293] And Yet
[292] not finished
[291] Tom Boy
[290] HASSELHOFF!!!!
[287] ninja what?
[284] sing that song for me
[282] EEK!!
[279] gentry
[280] Dun na na na
[277] The List
[275] For Once
[274] my pet wombat
[273] It Does...
[272] Like a donut?
[271] ouch, my liver
[270] misery or missouri?
[267] Space Up In My Head
[269] If You Can
[265] what i was expecting
[266] nothing
[263] In your head
[262] and nothing but the...
[260] two-sixty
[259] heart in a blender
[256] i can't feel my arm
[255] stomp my face to mush
[254] apples can runner fast...
[253] every little thing
[251] and i was like...
[248]um yeah?
[247]i got it at ross?
[246]after the glow
[243]sing it out
[244] kiss me on the mouth
[245] what would you name a...
[242]psycho supergoddess
[239] everything she had
[240]2 all you mother truckers
[238]one line at a time
[233] a theory of my own
[232] whistle while you work
[230]GO billy GO!
[228]Hope your doin well
[227] yeah yeah uh huh
[226] BOOGErs!
[222] adam wasn't there
[221] emotionally exhausted
[220] endless rain
[219] SAl farted on my arm
[218] hi and hello
[217] The fireman told me
[216]if peter pan was naked...
[215] forever temporary
[214] I cant count to...
[213] Butcher's Hook!!!!
[212] iron your lips
[211]Have I told you lately?
[209] who knows what entry...
[200] Where have all the...
[197] 2! 4! 6! 8! WHO DO I...
[195]Its been a while
[191] urg
[192] Even if...
[189] Save the Night
[187] NIKOLA!
[184] my bonnie lied, so I...
[183] Denial, revisited
[181] Blink 182??
[180] OoOOOooOOoBArAcUdA!
[179] mexico pictures finally
[177] I saw your butt and...
[175]thursday night
[174] Its the end of the world
[172] BOP!
[171] Monday Maddness
[170] Hecho en MexicO!
[169] the nite before mexico
[168] SO lame
[166] climax coming in my way
[165] the magical sitar
[164] hungry eyes
[162] Onion rings are...
[161] To Grandma's House She...
[160] THE CAR SHOW!!!!
[158] Polka dancing chEEt-O...
[157] monday
[156] picture this...
[155] pretend for you
[154] one for the road
[153] Didn't tell myself
[152] thoughts compressed
[151] dental floss and remote...
[150] puddles of cream cheese
[147] the cow talks!
[145] an entry to skip
[146] A nice balance
[143] ursala 1000
[140] SO lame and very much...
[139] hollywood horror
[138] and would you...
[136] Say Sneeze?
[137]Say what?
[135]Nothings wrong
[134]so fresh and so...
[132] dont read..
[133] and and and... is DNA...
[130]the word is oi
[129]look a duck
[128] fade away real slow
[126] Duckpond
[125] Leona said...
[124] Feed the Sheep
[121]He needs salt
[120] volcon logic
[117] ear-lee-ness
[114]It starts
[111]cheerio darling,...
[110]SO HI
[109]what a hippo called...
[107]and I said whoo whoo
[105]Once upon a german...
[104]Eat Our Chips
[103]?sselesnes detsiwt?
[102]100!!!!!!!! BOTTLES...
[98]dun dun dun
[97]WHOOOO are you? who...
[95]14 DAYS!
[94]Give me a...
[93]Double what?
[92]pb and smuckers jelly
[90]Stringy cheese
[85]Bite my face
[84]Nothing more than...
[82]what flavor is the...
[80]Loads of Laughs
[79] looks like butt
[78]I see bad people
[76]Sitting on the letter...
[74]Warm Bricks and...
[73]so move your car
[70]boys-n-berry chapstick
[68]Its whats for dinner
[66]On behalf of an Ox
[64]The angry entry
[62]if u noticed me
[61]Green Pants
[60]i eat rubber bands
[59]break your yoyo
[58]this is a boring entry
[57]don't know why
[56]ducking donkeys,...
[53]butter scotch tomatoes
[50]hand to hand
[49]granny smith apple
[45]the size of a peach...
[46]drink my pee
[43]what if I am a...
[42]and that's what I had...
[39]Blind Mangos
[38]Effective Butter
[37]Funny Soaps
[35]shoelaces and where...
[34]braindead ducks
[33]Hello kitty committee
[32]and the fork jumped...
[31]I woke up
[30]so I burnt down your...
[29]Boring Bisexual
[28]Bohemian Rapshedy
[27]The berries taste...
[25]in my hands again
[24]chunky soup and...
[23]the HAPPY entry
[22] GOOD...
[21] I have to peeeeeee
[19] December 6th
[18] Happiness is Just...
[17]Nothing More Than...
[16]i am happy and I know...
[12]Leaving Spatula
[12]No More School
[10]KB Wasn't Home
[9]15 minutes
[8] And A Side of Buffalo...
[7]Just another day
[6] Head. Shoulders....
[5] Boys Hurt Me
[3]that sucked
[2] Um this is just...
[1]1st entry... EXCITING...
1418 post(s)