wow -- that cloud came down real fast.

i wrote a song [lyrics to post later]

we barely talk... but i know you're there

"it could be dangerous living in this valley."

it's been far too long. and much has changed. to make it short and sweet. i want to do something with my life. i want to sing...

we're the last ones on the island and everyone has gone off to sea and the more we burn distress signals, the more resources we lose

i've never been good at keeping diaries. they're too much maintenance. i refuse to do anything which adds repitition to my schedule. i live in organized chaos. i lie when i'm bored. i'm too nice for my own good. ugh. i think i'm depressed...like, clinically. not a day goes by where i don't think about offing myself in some pathetic way. suicide is pointless. it really is. yeah...so you committed suicide...how is that going to solve your problems? it's not. you'll just be dead. don't get me wrong...i've got plenty of friends, pretend friends, sort-of friends, best friends, and enemies but i wonder why people don't like me why they INSIST on being rude when i have done NOTHING to them. the worst i did was smile when i saw them. opinion is one thing...if said respectfully, i will honor it. but if someone comes along pointing their rude ass in my business, nit-picking at my life when they most likely have their own pointless problems, i will get angry. don't get me wrong. i'm not picking on this person. but on one of my previous posts i put the question "why am i so boring" and someone responded with... "because you wanna be a somebody that's why" so what did i say? i said "fair enough" remember that i'm not picking on this person or trying to insult them in anyway... but first of all... you don't know me how can you judge who i am by some silly poems? sure...my entries express my feelings at the time... but as i said...i'm not a diary person so unless i wrote down every-fucking-thing onto my sitdiary...you have no clue as to who i am. and even if i had you STILL wouldn't know me. second of all... i do not see it relevant to storm onto my site and read my entry just to criticize me... sure if you had said it in a different way..i would have respected it more of course i respect it as it is now, don't get me wrong i appreciate your blunt honesty. but there are things called common courtesy as well. i'm not assuming that you are one of these people...but one thing that peeves me is when people think that the internet gives them power. you see on youtube thousands of nasty comments each day why are these nasty comments there? do you know the person do did this video? has the world lost a sense of class and respect? things are posted such as "fatty" "ur ugly" "i hate you" "go die" can you find the relevence? if someone made a video about awareness for aids, i bet you would see someone who posted the comment "the announcer is UGLY" it's a goddamn awareness for aids video! why don't you think about how many people have aids compared to focusing on your vanity and minimizing the confidence of others! i don't get it. i really don't. this is a rant. i was in a ranting mood. if you took the time to read this, don't bitch to me about how you want your 5 minutes back because you're not getting it back.

you're not going to read this. but i don't care... i honestly do not know what i have done to you... yeah...i can understand that i did things to you in the past concerning brett and stuff but i dont deserve this treatment you want to tell me how you think? fine i have no problem with that. but i dont want to even hear that you are a queen that you are perfect that you have a perfect life and that all the boys want you because i hear you in classes talking about pointless things over and over again stupid things that should have been let go and yeah... this bulletin is stupid i will admit it... and i don't hate you...nor have i ever but i think you are acting ridiculous... i have never done anything to you. never said anything bad about you i've never beat you, punched you, or had any spite towards you. but if you read this...i'm going to ask.. why? what made you change your opinion about me? what makes you god to judge me or anyone else? yeah... i fucked up in the past we all fuck up you fucked up too and im just too stupid for still caring apparently. you wont read this and if you do read it...i know you are not going to answer because you are soo fucking proud and i'll tell you...you are never going to get anywhere in life with your pride... this is messed up... one day i will give you a box full of all the things you've ever written me..and i will give you a letter telling you everything. and then that will be the day that i want to forget you for the rest of my life.. but as i said...i dont hate you i'm hurt by you and you may be reading this and thinking about how stupid i am... but i dont care.

Sometimes I miss you alot. I miss talking to you...when I'm not too busy ignoring you...I'll actually listen to your conversations and convince myself that I hate you. And that you're stupid. But you're not stupid. And I wonder "What the hell did I do?" And I still don't know what I did. All I know is that I miss you...

there's no point in lying unless you make them all fall for it.

this time i'm starting new i'm starting fresh with no expectations with no regrets

"i wrote a hit play"

why am i so boring?

i'm not who i think i am... im nothing. i'll always be nothing. im not pretty. or smart. or kind. or creative. i will always remain in a perplexed state of naivety -- never evolving for the greater. i am just no one. my dreams are ashamed of me having dreamt them. no one seems to see anything in me. not even my parents. im not artistic -- im not worth any sacrifice. im a nobody. i'll always be a nobody. i'll always think of myself as a nobody -- and nobody knows that

here is where my soul lies

girls in pretty dresses drinking the absinthe of their desires boy in gas masks and tuxes flirting with disaster debutante balls covers in thick green smog and horrilbe taste they all die off one by one ...disgrace

and she said to me... "i'm pretty, aren't i?" as if beauty was classified by the amount of hairspray in your hair and botox in your skin vemon on your lips and malice in your soul

(11:57:39 PM): like...i dont really know who i am (11:57:45 PM): i wear this mask, see (11:57:57 PM): and i've been puting it on for so long 11:58:06 PM): i dont know what's the mask and what's real anymore (11:58:24 PM): like the pieces of my alter egos are fading together

sometimes silence explains everything.

[poetically uninspired.]