Wow...It's been about 8 months since I last wrote an update about my last bouts, successes, messups, and rants...and here I am again to flood your screens with more of them! woohoo. no, really. It's pretty cool to be on here again. I'm suprised I even remembered my password. Well, to give you all an update, the band is no longer but in return I got the drummer. We've been together 6 months. It's serious and truthfully, I have become such a better person since I met James. It's great and I can't wait for the future to come. I finished my first sememster of college and I go back on the 17th of this month. I'll tell you what. It's nice waking up at 10:00 in the morning with nothing really pressing to do...no homework, no papers.. NO SPANISH, thank God. I tood spanish thinking I needed it to transfer. Nope. And I couldn't drop it so there I was stuck with 4 others with a teacher on ITV. In other news, the night of Thanksgiving, one of my friends was killed in a car accident in the Kern Canyon. I called Tommy's twin sister and offered to help in anyway I could. Little did I know that she would take it up. Mystie called me the next day and asked me to plan a concert in Tommy's name to raise money for the funeral. She wanted it done on friday night. Only 3 days away. James, my boyfriend did all the graphics which included being the soundman, getting together pictures and creating a slideshow with voice overs from close friends, adding music and doing everything Tiffany, Tommy's older sister, wanted. I was in charge of creating the line up, scheduling and making sure everything didn't go crazy. My mom was the Speaker and she did a really good job.All of this happened during Finals! It was really hard but it all came together and the family didn't have to worry about a thing. I was really greatful that Mystie, Tiffany and Kelly trusted us with such a personal thing... R.I.P Tommy. Anyways, I am on a limited time since I'm using the library's computer so I better cut this short. Hope everyone is doing great and Happy New Year! (Singing at Tommy's Memorial Concert.)

Ha. I can't wait to say "Current Music: Follow Me - My Action Hero" Will be grand. You guys wait and see. We'll blow up all over your juke box.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005 8:49 PM - it's getting warm in here. //it's getting warm in here// my hot sunburned cheeks burn from the saltey tears i have shed. this came from nowhere,but somewhere a soft blush of roses, so red it's so warm in here and i am comfortable, indeed but i don't understand the chaos im fed this chaos, i do not need yes, i am suprised and a little bit flattered but in this mind of mine i am trying to be as good as them and i do not feel the least bit better and some i seriously understand and i know some don't mean to hurt but some want to hinder my dreams save face and say "i like your shirt". i have always felt, like the odd girl out she's looking me up and down always feeling inadequate and poor leaves me feeling left out she feels weird and wishes she could be as free as a bird she's holding back her thoughts she feels like she's never heard she doesnt mean to paste a facade over her hot sunburned face she's trusting and wants to make you happy but she cant break through this maze ---------------------------------------------- Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:54 AM - I AM LEGAL!!!!! Current mood: happy happy joy joy haha. yep. the dreaded free age of 18. I dont feel a thing. yet. yesterday the the ROP class went to hungry gulch to fall and buck up trees. the first day being 18, i felled my FIRST tree which was about 300 ft tall and about 14 inches in diameter.. it was frikin AWESOME dude. watching it fall was the tightest part. i was the only one to bring my face cut home with me..( the part of the tree you cut out to make a pie cut) anyways.. we hiked this huge hill and i did so good.. im so proud of myself!!! i even carried a chainsaw on my shoulder part of the way! .. haha.. so yeah.. im getting buff( not like sick buff though thankgod).. and im running alot.. im so excited right now.. and i like this guy.. whos name i wont confess.....omg. his eyes.. i just get lost in them whenever he speaks and looks at me.. i dont know what to do. *screams* i like him so much.. the only thing is .. i dont think he would go for me because im 18 and he's 24. i dont even know if he's taken. i guess i need to find that out in some ........in some unobvious way. //-------------------------------------------- Sunday, April 24, 2005 1:51 PM - WOOOOOO Current mood: dehydrated so last night, james, jake, mikey, johnny, timmy and i went bowling. it was So HILARIOUS. johny took pictures so i hope i can post them soon.... we decided to leave and eat pizza, but both pizza places were closed.. so we settled for frozen burritos when we went to jakes house at 10:30 to watch Anchor Man. they told me if i was gonna be around them, i needed to watch it so i understood what they quoted all the time. im most likely going to be in My Action Hero. we all get along and i really think we would sound good together. friday night i jammed with james and we came up with some really good stuff.. stuff that i have written.. and stuff that was totally spontaneous. we recorded it so we wouldnt forget. now we all have to play together to see if it comes together. (see how god put that all together pearl??) everything is coming together soooooo BEAUTIFULLY. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------how many times can we say together?? bad news is im coming down with a uber bad head cold. i can feel my heart beat in my ears and im two steps ahead of my brain. //---------------------------------------------- 11:11 AM - Current mood: numerically inclined..what? so .....the guys i know are skeptical about me becoming a fire fighter. im not at ALL. really... i think this is all just apart of God's plan. I don't think i've been at this for over 4 months for nothing. i've acheived so much and have put so much time and effort into it that i can't just say "hey. okay. i wont do firefighting." i can't promise that i wont get a job and be in the field . but i can promise that if i am paying the bills with gig money.. i wont need a fire job. but if not.. i have to have a roof over my head. and i need to let the boys know that. i need to assure them that i am a dedicated person.. and wont burn them like they have been burned before. i want them to understand that i have alot of goals in life too. i want to do so many things. my only fear is that the music we make wont be broad. i know james and i can play soul, jazz and alternative.. i just hope that we all can think outside the box. i told jake that if we went on tour or were close to somthing huge, i would drop any job in a heart beat. and that's the truth. but in the mean time.. i will wait for the answer as to why i am doing what i am doing. God closes the door that no man can open.. and opens the door that no man can close. i have to go now. and wash my hair. i have a class to go to.

Why is it we are so bent on wanting them to know who we are? They do not know us, and probably wouldn't give a penny to know what our favorite color is, what we put in our coffee, how many times we shower or.. if we have ever been in love. I am contstantly answering those things with a million questions that probably no one will ever read.. or remember for that fact, for my own satisfaction. Maybe I will learn more about myself if I see my own answers and analyze what I would think of me if I were not myself. Odd. It's not a fact of insecurity. It would be entirely curiosity. Some of us know ourselves, but do not understand why we are the way we are.. the way I am. Why do I feel that way about that boy sitting way over there on the redwood bench reading the daily newspaper, sipping his extra large latte, and obviously oblivious to the fact i exist. My hands are small but big enough to hold your heart, and my heart is big but small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. And I have already forgot where I am going with this... but now I remember... I want you to figure me out and I could write it all down on a countless amount of college rule paper and you would still be left to read between the lines.

He looked at the picture. He was strapped in the cold chair and ready to go. His legs and arms were held in stirrups with tourniquets which helped stop the bloodflow to his veins. He smiled and said "I am Ready." He gave a little smile and held his breath. That was the doctor's signal to go ahead and start the procedure. The electric blade that was plugged into the wall was slowly pressed into his skin and cut through him like butter. He said "I've taken thearapy to will away the pain.." and he cringed.. but looked on feeling like it was his purpose in life- to be an invalid. One after the other, his arms, legs, nose and ears were cut off. His eyes were the only thing left. All I could think was this man was brainwashed. What person would feel this was right? .... My besfriend looked at the picture. I knew she would be next.

-Whimsical- i really like that word.. -In reality I am actually feeling whiney. I hate that feeling because I know it's annoying as hell to hear someone bitch and complain about the stupidest things like the weather and bands that go on your teeth which make your mouth feel like you want to shoot yourself... -Don't ask me how I am because you don't want to know. Just tell me to shut up and get over it. -Whitney pissed me off this morning. She said something (a few times) that totally got under my skin.. and it doesnt even make sense to me so I told her I didn't want to talk anymore then hung up the phone. I called her a little while ago and apologized for being rude.. and she kinda apologized for what she said. So now I feel a lot better knowing that everything is okay... -Donnelle leaves in 5 days. I can't imagine her not being here.. I don't know how I will deal with it. -McClane and I don't talk as much as we used to. (I mean we don't talk for hours on the phone every waking moment) I am feeling okay though- it's different. Our relationship is developing more now, but I don't know what will become of it. It feels like its on the fence of becoming something more.. or less. -Mom has been sick for the past two weeks. I keep telling her to go to the doctors. It's more than just the common cold if your going through multiple VICKS 44... Stephanie thinks she has COPD.. -I want to join a band. -I wrote 3 new songs. -I'm tired now and need to get some rest. I have to get up early to drive 100 miles just to come home and go back to sleep. -i havnt had a comment in a long time..

God works in mysterious ways... when you think its so bad and you get mad because it didn't work out the way YOU wanted it too.. just think things happen for a reason. Not my will but His. If you can keep your eyes open to all the signs... thats when you can start to piece the pieces together and get the whole picture.

Learn To Swim I was hovering quietly over the water, watching the city wake up to the sun, smog and daily grind. I wasn't alone and my feet were not my source of stability. I whispered to Emily, "Watch what happens.. and stay close to me." The earth started to shake the buildings shatterd and the bridge started to buckle. I told her, "It's not over... this all is happening for a reason." The cement barriers were chained to the bridge's edge. They smashed back down after each jolt... Like a broken record the noise was the same. For a spilt second all was quiet. Screams and sadness filled the air and the bridge collapsed. The sun peaked over the ridge casting a ray of sunshine down over the debris filled ocean and it was over. I remember hovering over him on the shore line. He was clinging to something I do not know yet what it was... He lay lifeless in the water with eye's wide open. The pain in his face showed the horror of the quake and all I could do was know it all had to come to pass...

"cuz you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt..." Have you ever... [x] been drunk. [ ] smoked pot. [ ] rode in a taxi. [x] been dumped. [x] shoplifted. [ ] been fired. [x] been in a fist fight. [ ] had sex. [ ] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise [x] been kissed [x] snuck out of your parent's house. [ ] been arrested. [x] made out with a stranger. [x] stole something from your job. [ ] celebrated new years in times square. [ ] went on a blind date . [ ] lied to a friend. [ ] had a crush on a teacher. [ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans. [ ] been to europe. [x] skipped school. [ ] thrown up from drinking.(i dont throw up from drinking. psshhh) [ ] lost your sibling. [x] played 'clue'. [x] went ice skating. [ ] dropped x. [ ] cheated on a bf/gf. [x] been cheated on. [x] had a sweet sixteen. [ ] had a quinceanera. [x] had a car . [x] drove. [x]smoked [x]kissed a member of the opposite sex [x]kissed a member of the same sex [x]had feelings for someone who didn't have them back []given or recievd oral sex [x]danced in front of people [ ]played strip ... poker [x]slapped someone i loved [ ]been in an abusive relationship [x]wanted to kill yourself [x]taken painkillers [ ]faked being drunk [ ]been to canada [ ]been to mexico [x]eaten sushi [x]seen someone die [x]lied to get out of trouble [ ]dropped out of school [ ]been pregnant or got someone pregnant [ ]done something you really regret [x]made someone you love cry Do you... [x] have a bf. [ ] have a gf. [x] have a crush. [x] feel loved. [ ] feel lonely . [x] feel happy. [ ] hate yourself. [x] think you're attractive. [x] have a dog. [x] have your own room. [ ] listen to rap. [x] listen to rock/heavy metal [x] listen to r/b [x] listen to techno. [x] listen to reggae. [x] listen to country. [x] have more than 1 best friend. [x] get good grades. [x] play an instrument [x] have slippers. [x] wear boxers. [x] like the color blue. [x] like the color pink. [ ] cyber [ ] claim. [x] like to read. [x] like to write. [x] have long hair. [ ] have medium hair [ ] have short hair. [x] have a cell phone. [x] have a laptop. [ ] have a pager. Are you... [ ] ugly. [x] pretty... [x] bored. [x] happy. [ ] bilingual. [x] white. [ ] black. [ ] mexican. [ ] asian. [x] indian. [x] short. [ ] average. [ ] tall. [x] grounded [ ] sick. [x] a virgin. [x] lazy. [ ] single. [x] taken. [ ] looking. [ ] not looking. [ ] talking to someone. [ ] IMing someone. [ ] scared to die. [x] tired. [x] hungry. [x] thirsty. [ ] on the phone [ ] in your room. [ ] drinking something. [ ] eating something. [x] in your pjs. [x] ticklish. [x] listening to music. [x] homophobic. [ ] racist

(in january) well.. yeah. Jeff, the guy i wrote about in the other entry. yah, he turned out to be a total jerk. He did ask me to formal and his friend Mitch asked Whitney. Whitney and Mitch were actually going out too. So we got ready, (whitney and I) in bakersfield where her sister and cousin did our hair and makeup. we drove back up to the valley and expected the boys to pick us up at 5:30, take pictures at my aunt chris's house and then go out to dinner. well.. the 'boys' didn't have enough gas money to get us so they said we had to go drive to the Pizza Factory.. they were at Paradise Cove way out in Mt.Mesa. How the hell could they afford to drive to mt.mesa to a restaurant..WITHOUT us.. and then say they couldnt get us. hmmm.. So after begging my mom to let us drive to isabella and meet them, we left and the guys were there in flannel shirts, dirty pants and shitty ass boots. "im not takin no damn picture" said mitch.. whitney begged him. Then.. they non-chalantly said they weren't going to the dance.. that we were going to jeff's (my date's) house. so .. im fuckin.. beyond broken. after we eat, (not to mention they didnt even offer us anything to drink, and didnt even pull up a chair for us) we left to jeff's house.. well.. they lost us in some alley and drove to bakersfield, some 40 minutes away. Needless to say, we never made it to the dance. We stayed at Jeff's mom's house for 2 hours waiting for them to show their little dicks to our face. ohyeah.. the whole "we dont have gas" excuse was a lie because jeff's mom gave them her gas card. i had to be home by 11 so we never did get to tear them a new asshole. I lied to my family and said we had a great time at the dance because i felt they put so much effort into getting us ready that i didnt want them to be disappointed. the next day after this all happened, mitch had his like.. 23 year old 'brother-in-law', jason litrell, (who is with stephanie, mitch's sister, who is pregnant) call my house and harrass me. how fucking stupid is that? what a fucking idiot. i feel sorry for the baby that's about to come into the world for having such a dead beat dad. i finally told my family.. and my sister about everything and she new jason, called him, and threatened that if he didnt call me in an hour to apologize for harrassing me, she would have someone there and he'd be sorry. he called 5 minutes later.. hahahah! mitch and jeff both kinda apologized in their own way, but they really never got punished for it. mitch can go to hell for all i care and jeff..well.. there's still hope for him. Zack nickel invited me to brandon's bday party and when he said mitch would be there i cut him off and said i wasnt going. i knew if i did mitch would be sorry because i would have fuckin kicked his pussy ass! ahhaha... fuckin albino peckerwooooood. ---------- never try to get with anyone that is younger than you. especially if you, the girl, are older. boys ..will be boys.. but they still shouldn't get a slap on the hand. on a good note..now it's march. whiskey flat days is over and i met mcclane. i couldn't have asked for such a great guy.

haha, i guess you could say i'm a little anxious for summer? and i love the feeling of the wind blowing through my hair as i drive, windows rolled down, hot air warming the skin, i wish i could drop everything and head out towards the unknown. if only i had my licence. the car waits in the drive way for me. 6 more weeks until i can meet the road. but where would i go? maybe the beach, or maybe the city, or maybe the land filled with glitter. but i am not 21 and don't know if i will live to see the day. the day where i can say "cha-ching" but i dont wanna blow it all away. i guess you can say i'm a bit anxious to grow up ...will i live to see the day where my lover and i will wed, and me be the only thing that shines for him in the damp dark? will i live to see my baby's feet touch the black sand that stretches to the mountains and the white sand that reaches to the lights of the apartment buildings beyond the overpass.. i can't wait to taste freedom.. but i can't find my car keys. i would sit for hours and pretend to steer with the wheels stuck in the rut of adolecence.

well.. i'm a little late on sayin "happy new year!!" to you all. yesterday i went skiing at Shirly Meadows all wday. i'm paying for it today. woke up today feeling like i got pancaked by an 18 wheeler. next weekened, goin back to learn how to snowboard!! yippie!! lol.. i can't wait to get beat up again. AHhh.. the adrenaline of speed. i love it. so anyways. i had such a fun vacation!!! not only did i spend time with friends but i met this guy named Jeff who is such a sweetheart, not to mention totally hot..he's so cuddleable..hehe.. i hope he asks me to formal .. whitney says he's suposed to but who knows! friken a, i wish i could see him right now.. and be out on the slopes.

As I read my poem "Iron Gate" I find myself discovering new meaning in the words. Yes, I wrote it and know the message I was trying to convey, but now it is different. Now I can read between the lines. It was so obvious and now I, the poet, am learning from my own poetry. Everyone has a vision of love. What they expect. What they want. What they need. What it should be. What it stands for. Love can have many faces and as a person is an individual... love fits everysingle person individualy. It may seem the same, but everyone has their boundaries and a certain amount of willingness. Love is like a 2 piece puzzle. We walk around through life with one piece searching for the lost piece. You may try every single piece until you find it, but when you do.. it is perfect. But what if that other half becomes weak or torn? What if the layers start to peel off? Your other half is decaying right before your eyes. So, you repair it. You love it. You are aware of what it needs to become better. You do things differently so it wont happen again. I see a vision of love as a goal that most of us have set and want to achieve. Just because your dream is not manifesting exactly as you wanted it to, you try another avenue to make it work. Love doesnt just happen and evolve with out care. You have to nurture your loved ones and be there. And once you have achieved that goal, the vision of love, dont stop dreaming. Always set your goal higher. It doesn't end at the highest. A line never ends. True love never ends. True love will always ascend.

Current Mood: I'm not the toothpaste stuck on your shirt These cold days have shown their face on my dry, pale skin. Turmoil has raged inside making me old before my time. Is that what you want? It has all been for the better, mind you. Personally, I take pride in the fact it has made me who I am today. And it has not all been chaos. But it is like the chaos overwhelms the faithful and joyfull. On one of those days where it feels like nothing is going your way, The face of evil appears to be so bad we overlook the good; when the good is the Supreme and through Him we can do all things. To the ones who have acted like imps trying to destroy me for a laugh: You know who you are and you can have your laugh. The laugh that will poison you and show your lies like a movie on the silverscreen infront of the Holy and infront of your pained eyes. You will feel the pain I have felt like it was me who wronged you instead. A black whole will be the end result of that chuckle and I will watch. I would welcome you with open arms if you really cared. But you will not recieve it. You spit me out like I'm rancid and thick. You dropped that laugh on me and I'm here with the baggage trudging through the cold, placid mud. Now, I give it to Him So t's God's revenge. I won't deny, I cannot wait. "I told you so." ? Finally, it will be over on that day.

"Tap... tap.. Jackie.." is what I hear outside my bedroom window. Mick pops up in my mind. Please go away. Block it out.. I'm tired. "Jackie, it's me, Miklos." Ripped out of sleep I realize I've got to getup. A light beam is flickering. "Be right there.." I say as I throw the blankets off, get some pants on and unlock the front door. It's 4:30 am and Mick has come to get his things. "Josiah and Bubba are up top, mom do you want to meet the boys?" I squeeze in, "Are they cute, how old are they?" as I wrap my scarf around my neck and pull up my boots. A typical thing for me to say when I'm half asleep. Josiah is 23 and Bubba is 16. "They're not gonna case my house, are they. " Mom says. Miklos assures they are good ol' "homeboys" Ma. They come in and I sing for them. I hand Mickey the 2 pieces of paper back-to-back that I weaved together on the sides with red yarn Titled "Of Angels and Clowns". Knudging him I whispered, "Read it louder" and gave him a wink. It was a beautiful site. Watching him and these other young men along with my mother and I watch something spectacular unfold before our very eyes. A wish I made two days ago that was evolving into reality. He thanked me, and I said, I knew. Bubba is 16 and ran away. He smokes and dropped out of school. He's defiant they say and wont take him back... Black belt in Tikwando. His hands and feet are lethal objects and his other brother blew his brains out. Josiah just had a baby. He's real sweet. He tells my mother all of this in the short time I was outside checking on my 35 year old brother. Are you getting the picture. The fire is crankin and we drink some coffee. Mick and I scrounge for some last things. Josiah and Mick get a CD of mine and gather some more wood, while Bubba is confessing these things to my mother and me. My mom is a youth minister. No wonder for 17 years they have come to her. Bubba felt safe enough to tell her, a complete stranger, his life story in the matter of minutes. I know it all happened for a reason. God placed them there with a plan. Now it's just a matter of going back to sleep.

So, I get this email from Brian ( AKA Cooter, a friend on Will's myspace account, who's sister Lydia is with Will) who left me a note saying that he wanted to meet new people in the valley and he'll be moving here in 2 years. So I add him to my list and we exchange some email thingy majigers. I tell him I know him from Will's profile. Bad idea. Naturally, he wanted to know how I knew Will So!.. I said I've known him for about 6 years but we dont talk anymore. End of story. No more, No less. The next day I get this fucking.. Totally shallow note from Will (who knows who actually wrote it) saying that Cooter told him "he met this girl who knows you but doesnt talk to you anymore" so he wanted to check it out. obviously it was me.. I couldn't believe the audacity. so anyways, I wrote him back saying "yup." I had nothing else really to say. I get another email from "Will" and im pretty sure it was Lydia because the letter had that "dont mess with my man" vibe. She said the letter was a "hunch" and I shouldnt expect anymore letters from him.. HAHA. ok..? like I CARE if he ever emails me again? Im sorry.. who took the initiative? (How dramatic does this sound?) Is that not idiotic? shes like.. in her 20's and shes going to try to get one up on a 17 year old? Umm yeah.. I dont have time for people who still act like they are stuck in highschool who have to play games for amusement. How pathetic. it's so funny to see how big of a hipocrite will is.

there is no particular reason for me to lie awake. yet i am here. i feel that hunger. is that a reason? there is no particular reason for me to write, yet i do. when i dont know what i may say. but i know i have something worth sharing. is that a reason? there is no particular reason for me to wait for someone, yet i have. because even though it lasted the time it took for me to breathe in all his love in the blink of an eye and exhale, it meant everything. is that a reason? there is no particular reason for me to figure out where i have come from. it doesnt mean anything to anyone else. but even though it is worthless to many, i care because i feel their pain and feed off of this spirit, the old soul i posess that came from an age where i didnt yet exist. is that a reason? there is no particular reason why i should help one who will not recieve it. but i feel they are blinded and will eventually fall so i try and try and get rejected but "at least i tried.". is that a reason? there is no particular reason to repair a friendship with a long lost friend who tainted my heart. i wanted him to recognize me and apologize yet he never will. so why did i ring myself dry? because i loved him. is that a reason? there is no particular reason why i waste my time. there is nothing accomplished like i knew there wouldn't be from the start, but i had hoped. is that a reason? there is no particular reason as to why i wish. we wish on stars and we lock it away in our hearts. but goals and dreams we do lean on. they etch the path we may take in life. is that a reason? so i wish and i hope and i try and i wait and write and dream and i lay awake and help a lost soul and i pray and cry and get attatched and im emotional and weary and awestruck and consumed by this daze and feel lovely and pulled in by your words that will make my heart jump and make me love you -but who are you. im so scared you will crush me in the end because im fragile and trusting and ignorant. so in the end, i end up wasting my time. but i never know. no one knows. so.. there is a reason for this turm-oil that rests inside. and a reason why it lingers and calms at the touch of your hand.

he crept up like a plauge. its seeping through my flower...my flower is shining and brilliant and this shadow is falling over the petals. poisoning the wick and cutting the roots. the seed has been planted yet ripped back out to see how much it's grown. it tries to survive the brutal blow and reaches for the earth.. something to grab onto.. but the gravel is slipping and the water is scarce. torture. dont rootrot the flower to get it out of it's misery. give a little at a time and do it better the next time. i have everything to prove and too much to loose.

hello all. such a disappointment when you hope there are comments waiting for you and there are zero :( i forgot today was fallback, so i got to church at early service instead and i was late.. i drove like... 35 miles today!woohoo! i recieved my permit a few weeks ago so now im cruizin ev-er-ywhere. tonight, im going to go out trick or treating with my sisters and my neice. i wont be trick or treating myself though.. i didnt get a tinkerbell outfit which i so desired and plus.. even if i did dress up i wouldnt go door to door selling my soul to obliviant sweet old hands. haha.. or! maybe they arent obliviant.. i'm gaining weight. i felt like a cow the last couple of weeks... eating bisquick baked chicken with crousants and mashed potatoes, aroz con pollo.. hamburgers, pizza and soda... and waffles, linguini and clams.... everything i have consumed is cause for heart attack. i know, i know.. i dont usually eat this type of food .. at least not enough to cause some kind of concern. its not that i care about getting fat.. its just.. i feel so tired and crummy because of it.. it's like you are what you eat. ok i do care if i getting fat and i dont care what anyone thinks. fat people dont want to get fatter right? so anyways, im gonna lay off the artery clogging food for now. i had a dream about dustin.. like..the 3rd one. that's all i will say about that! jon always disapears from his sites. he disappeard from bolt, then sit, then the dilly, and now, he's gone from xanga i think. he's like an online vantriliquist. well, hope everyone one has a great day and night, STAY SAFE and watch out for those weirdos.

HOLY CANOLIE! it's been a while. you know i never realized how much computers frustrate me. i'v been using such profane words because of it. there should be only one internet server and it should be ... something Other than AOL. it snowed here a few days ago.. it was a site. man i miss everyone. i had to make my other site [notcreative] a private one because after i got back from pismo, my brother and i were looking up spanish bed bugs and whatdya know? my site matched because i had mentioned "spanish bed bug" and he made fun of my "leg" picture.. and i got super embarrased.. and then got scared. what if someone else tried to look me up?? i wouldnt doubt it. so, everyone that is on my list should add notcreative so it is accessable.. the only problem is.. is do I want to add them? lol . thats a lot of friends. today i had 14 x-rays done of my hips, knees and lower back. by looking at just one pic, it seems i have a slight case of scoliosis. thats even before they have been sent out for consiltation. :/ i really miss sarah. now that im back on here i can retrieve her number AGAIN. shiet. she's probably like "who is jacklyn?" haha... no.. she would remember. im her querty and she's my lolly. happy birthday nonnie. love you bunchies!