Listening to: Walk On - U2
You know, sometimes I think we're just a little bit too different. I mean, it all sounds great, in theory. Everything sounds great in theory, but then you put it into practice and...not so much?
I just...sometimes I think we're too different. It should be noted that this is brought on by the fact that I read a survey that we both did, and our answers were different. I mean some of them were the same, but a lot of them were different, is that really bad? How much do you have to be alike, and how much do you have to be different to make something work? A lot of the stuff, I could compromise on, really, but some of it...I dunno.
Are we to different? I don't know, maybe not. Maybe because we can't see face to face, does that impede it? Why can't I get along with guys face to face, like I'm afraid of it or something? Why is it so hard to be "myself"? It doesn't even make sense, when I think about it. Am I faking? Either to the internet world, or the real world? Thoughts like this disturb me a little bit, and I don't really know why I write them down. To get them off my chest, I suppose. But...I want to be pretty, and funny, and smart. And I'm pretty sure I'm most of those things, if not all. Yeah, that sounded a little bit egotistical, but whatever. My point...well, I forgot my point actually, my mind went off on another tangent.
It should also be noted that I'm writing entries like this, because I'm trying this new thing where I put everything that I'm thinking down. I'm afraid I'm a chamelon, really, I think I change depending on who I'm around. Which shouldn't be the case, right? I should be myself? But what if myself is me adapting to the situation? Not all my friends like one kind of humor, so I mix it up a bit, is that so wrong? Or should I just be who I deem myself all the time, and make friends from there? I want to fit in. Not with everybody, not with the "mainstream", but I do want to fit in. I say I don't, which is also mainstream, now that I think about it. You're either mainstream, or rebelling against the mainstream, which ALSO makes you mainstream. I think I could fit just about everybody into those two categories, actually, because you either want to be "them" or you hate "them" which makes you another version of them.
This isn't making sense to anybody but myself, I'm quite sure, but I just keep typing and hope that my deep, and profound thoughts get heard, somehow. Right? Because that's what I want, I want to be heard, and I want my ideas to be used, and I want to be a leader, but I'm so afraid of getting shut down and I don't like criticizim, and if I loose momentum, then I'm afraid everybody will hate me because I don't want to do it anymore, which is true, because I get mad at people like that, even though I say I'm not actually mad. I'm not mad, really once I think about it, I'm just frustrated, because you said you were going to do something, and you get there, and you get all ready, and I get my hopes up and...nothing. Its a dud. Which blows. I'm not singling anybody out, although I do notice this seems to happen more with the male demographic in my life than anything else.
And now, my profound thoughts must be cut short, because I think my mother is coming.