Listening to: Happiness By the Kilowatt - Alexisonfire
I don't like being ignored. I don't like thinking that I'm being ignored, because then I get really paranoid that I've done something horribly wrong, but I haven't done anything wrong, at least I don't think I have. Its just a gradual tapering off of the conversation until you're suddenly not talking anymore, until I make a stupid statement, and wait for him to reply, but that's just one reply, and I can't do it. I don't like being paranoid, but I also don't like confronting people about it, because I know that people get busy and sometimes its hard to keep up with all the people that you're talking to. I know t hat, I understand that, but you couldn't have been that busy before, and you always had time to talk to me, so why does it suddenly change now? I don't want it to change. I don't like change, it scares me.
That stupid little flashing window makes me so happy. And then its nothing, really, at all. Half the time, its a message sent to the wrong window. So why isn't it ever sent to the right window? It can't be that hard to carry on a conversation for hours, I do it with my friends, and I do it with my family. Yeah, sometimes theres silence, but its the comfortable kind of silence that I like. Can you have that in an IM conversation? Comfortable silence. Maybe it's comfortable for everybody but me. I'm never comfortable. If I start talking, I always feel like I'm intruding, and I'm getting in the way of something really important. And the few times that I do ask, I always get a reply like homework or something.
I sometimes say I'm going to go do homework to see if he reacts. Its pathetic, I know, but I can't help it. You go from everything to nothing in a matter of weeks, and its weird. I like conversations with friends. I have a need to be doing something, anything, at all times, and when I don't, then I get antsy, and when I get antsy, I get angry, and frustrated and pissed off, and I pick fights with people, and they ask what's wrong but I say nothing just to avoid having to confront them about it. I'm not good at confrontation. I feel like I either come across as a pushover, or a total bitch. There just never seems to be a way to get MY point across, so I just sit there and take it, and then bend over backwards apologizing, or I storm off, and then I come back and apologize. Half the time, it wasn't even my fault, but I say sorry, because I know you shouldn't go to bed angry. Sometime, I really want to go to bed angry, just to prove that I can do it, because I really don't think I can. I'm afraid of going to bed angry, and waking up alone, and I don't think I've ever been so scared of losing somebody.
Maybe I push people away. I keep changing, but nobody else changes with me, so I get bored and I move on. I really wish I wouldn't get bored, because that scares me. If I get married, and then I get bored...well,I don't want that. I don't want to be one of those people that needs a new relationship every single month to be happy. I like long-term. I like steady, I like things that don't change, but they don't change, I do. I don't want to change, I thought I was happy with the way I was.
But I think I did change. Overnight, actually. One day, I was one person, I woke up, wrote a long blog entry, and I was somebody else at the end. Is this going to keep happening? Am I going to keep changing? Will anybody change with me?
I really wish somebody would just change with me. I don't want to be a butterfly by myself.