Listening to: Who Knows - Avril Lavigne
I miss old Avril. She went from making kick ass songs about being your own person, and not letting boys beat you around, and...now she makes songs like Girlfriend. Which is about chasing after a boy. Who already has a girlfriend. That's kind of a shitty thing to do.
Not that I don't like the song, I mean, it's a catchy song, but I don't like the 180 attitude. I don't like it at all.
Just another thing in the long list of things that have changed. I don't want to accept any of them, but they have changed. I have a problem with change, I think.
SC has changed, and I honestly couldn't tell you if I think we're going to survive this or not. So many people lying, so much subterfuge, so much is not in peoples faces when it needs to be. And I don't see it stopping. I see the RP stopping. And that sucks, because the SC RP has been my anchor for what? 3 years? Almost 3. Thats a long time.
Three years ago, I wasn't me. Now I'm me.
Do I even know what it's like to be me? How do I know I'm not faking it?
I'm pretty sure I'm not, you know, because I feel very real. But maybe I'm subconsciously fooling myself into thinking that this is who I really am. Maybe not. I don't know. I'm tired.
TNG is changed. I wanted to bring it back, and I wanted to make it better. I can't. Because it was mostly Dimitri who drove the RP, and he doesn't want to come back, and that frustrates me. How could he not want to come back?
I hate it when myspace profiles lie. I know it's really weird to be looking at other peoples myspace profile, and pass judgement on it. But it annoys me. Don't claim that you love the X-men and don't claim that you love Online Roleplaying when you very well know you don't do either. You don't read the comics, so then it should say I love the X-Men movies/TV show, and don't you dare claim you love to online roleplay when you won't even touch TNG, and you said you loved TNG.
I think it's because of me. I don't understand why, I'm getting very good at roleplaying without getting feelings involved. But you, apparently, are not.
I'm supposed to have my life in order, and I'm supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of it. I think I do, but at the same time, I. Am. Terrified. I don't think it's going to work, and I can't seem to get off my ass and finish putting together my resume. I am so tired of sitting around and being lazy. I don't want to be lazy, but I can't motivate myself either. I want to get in shape, I want to be able to shop at Wal-mart and buy a bikini, but I can't. And I can't bring myself to walk on the treadmill either, and I'm so frustrated with myself. I want to write up my resume and I want to get in shape, but I can't seem to bring myself to do either.
I can't finish this chapter. I don't know why. I'm frustrated.
And I'm so incredibly fucking tired.