She's right, I do regret not going. I regret not being able to make friends, I regret coming home from every vacation with this stupid bitter feeling about my entire family. I wish I was friendly, and witty, and fucking skinny so that people would like me.
But all I can do is blush and stammer, and not get anywhere, and never meet any friends. Maybe if they would stop hogging them all and then excluding me all the fucking time. Christ.
I want to write, but nobody's around, and I can't write by myself.
I don't like drinking. I hate the taste of alcohol. I wish I didn't, I wish I knew how to get drunk sometimes.
I don't want to go to work.
I have all this weird pressure inside and I don't know how to get it out. I do know, actually, but I don't have the right outlet for it. I wish people were around. I wish that fucking flight got in at 1 like it was supposed to, instead of 5, like it actually did. motherfuckers. fuck you, it's going to be another week before I can do anything again, and fuck you for making it that way.
requisite fuck my parents, blah, blah. I wish they would shut the fuck up, that's really what I want for Christmas. Why the fuck did she even have to tell me that? What the fuck can I do? Lay it on your boyfriend, take it out on the counseller, don't ruin my first day back because dad's a bastard and you're a bitch.
I really am this negative, how the hell did this even happen to me?
I really, really wish I knew how to drink.
I wish even more that I knew how to tell somebody else this. I'm such a fucking liar sometimes, it kills me to laugh about it. Nobody knows what I'm like, nobody knows when I'm crying if I'm talking to them. I can paste on the fucking happiest face and nobody knows unless I want them to know.
I scare myself more and more.