Listening to: Again Again - Lady Gaga
So yesterday was a bad day. I missed the cutoff on the highway, and all of the sudden it was like I couldn't do anything right. No reason for it. But I couldn't do anything right. I missed hockey too. I love hockey, and I missed it.
Sometimes I think there's really something wrong with me.
And then I wake up fine, and I don't know what to think?
I dunno. Maybe I do need therapy. Probably.
I could probably give it up if she ends up happy. That sounds weird, but it always ends up unfinished. But if she ends up happy, for once, and it comes to an end, for once, then I think I could be happy with it. I don't know what I would do after, but I could be happy with it, and kinda let it go. I don't think it'll get any better than it is right now, I don't think we could make it any better. This is her and I'm not up for re imagining her again.
So. That's that.
I think it's kind of funny that every time I think it might be over and done with, and hey, I'm tempted to maybe start talking again, something like that comes up, and I wonder why I think about it? I wonder why I try? I don't hate her, I'm bad at hating people for a long time.
Hell, my mom emotionally abused me for 3 or so years, and my dad stole my car. But I'm living at my moms house permantly, and I'm going to Montreal with my dad, so...
Either I'm really good at forgiveness, or I'm into abuse.
I'm tired. I felt lonely in a scary way last night that I don't ever want to feel again. All my friends are off to university, all my other friends are busy having a life, or doing homework, or whatever. And what am I? I wake up, go to work, come home, and then what?
I should work out. I want to go to Paris, I want to travel. But I don't. And I don't know why. It's...Sometimes I feel all my anticipation, all my drive to do something drain away. It literally feels like it's draining out and I can't stop it. I want it to stop, but I can't.
I can't finish anything. Hell, I can barely start things. Why is this?
I think I need help.