Listening to: In a Little While - U2
Happy Canada day.
I shouldn't write entires at 3AM, because generally around 3AM, I am somewhat emotionally retarded. You know, moreso than usual.
This song makes me cry.
I really almost hate how attached I am to Kat. I killed her for a reason, and I know almost exactly where it's going from here, and it's going to be good, good enough to keep the plot going for most of the summer, or even most of the rest of the year.
But I cried when I did it. I'm such a pussy, Jesus.
Sometimes I realize that I'm basically a pathological liar, and I don't know why. I think it might stem from this huge, horrific fear I have of being rejected or embarrassed, I start to invent plausible sounding lies for everything. Even when I don't have to lie. I don't usually use them, because I don't usually have too, but they're there, in the back of my mind.
You know. Just in case.
It's dumb really.
But I'm a really good liar nowadays. I mean, Oscar-worthy.
And sometimes I feel like telling people to stop trusting me. But I'm not really untrustworthy, I'm not telling lies about people, or spreading secrets, or making fun of people behind their backs (okay sometimes, but only when they're a real pain in the ass), or shit like that.
I just like lying.
I'm going to Niagara Falls for Canada, going to spend some time on Clifton Hill. Ugh, I so badly fuckin wish I was old enough to get into a club, because that's what I feel like doing. It fucking sucks being 18, and not allowed IN anywhere, all your nights end at midnight. I have no fucking curfew and I'm home by 11:30.
I'm so tired of being the good girl sometimes. I want to go out, and get really drunk, and not come home, and sleep with some guy, and be a wild child, because fuck if I'll be able to do it again.
Basically what I'm saying is I want to be Kat. Really badly sometimes. I don't know why, because she's more of an emotional basketcase than I am, and an alcoholic, so on and so forth. Anyone who accuses me of making a Mary Sue doesn't really know what the fuck, Kat's so flawed I'm not even sure if we'd be friends in real life.
Hell, then again I'm not sure I'd be friends with me either.
I really wish I was skinny as fuck. Like size 0. Fuck my sister, she doesn't even have to work for it. That's not fair.