Listening to: Video Killed the Radio Star - The Buggles
Occasionally I have to wonder why I'm such a bitter person sometimes. I mean, I know why, life has fucked me over and handed me my ass more than once. It seems to enjoy doing so repeatedly.
I get the feeling that not a lot of my friends understand what, exactly, I've been put through for the past 12 years. I mean, I know some of them do (you know who you are waffle), but.
It's hard to talk about me.
Maybe I'm jealous that all them grew up with both parents in one house. I probably am. I'm probably jealous of a lot of things. I don't really like self-examinations, they make me realize what a terrible, awful, horrific person I can be. And am, quite often.
Wishing vindictive things is Not A Nice Thing, and I shouldn't do it. No matter how much I know what I'm talking about, because I am, but I can't say it without sounding like a bitch. I've been there, I've done that, I've gone farther than you ever will, but that doesn't mean I can't support people, it doesn't mean I should be wishing for their failure so I can say "see, I told you I knew how the world worked."
That's how my world works, it's not always how yours does. I really do want it to work out, you know, it's just so hard, I see so much of myself from 3-4 years ago in you, and if it does happen, the heart does not take kindly to it, and I mostly don't want you to end up bitter and horrible and jaded by life like me. I'd be better off if you were a nun, really.
Because I am very jaded, and yet simultaneously naive, because as unlucky as I have been in so many respects, I have been RIDICULOUSLY privileged in others, and I have a hard time reconciling the two. I've traveled, I've experienced, I've loved and lost and it's all so terribly confusing.
I'm so blessed and so broken at the same time, I don't know how to deal.
Once in a while I wonder what the hell I'm going to do with my life, but then I realize I'm only 18, and I don't have to know a goddamn thing right now if I don't want too. I think I'm going to be okay with that for a couple more years.
I'll still probably have sex before all of you though. Sorry. Me and God have talked about it though, and we agree it's for the best, because don't even get me started on the circular reasoning surrounding the bible. Besides, it seems kind of fun.
I spent most of today angry about the American health care system. Very, rather ridiculously, angry. I don't know why, I'm not American. So I got mad on some other peoples behalfs, because it's a horrific system, really bloody bad.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore, so I guess I should end here.
re: eharmony: I kind of have a date for in two weeks? But I don't know, he lives way up in Toronto and meh.
I clicked with him, you know? Where you just start having conversations that last forever when you've only known each other for a few days, at most? I clicked with them too. I guess I need to click with people before I go anywhere.
(PS, you know, I've always wondered what would happen if I stormed the courtroom sometime. I don't think I'd get away with it, but it'd be great if I could, and just demand they put an end to it. Reconsidering a hunger strike. But that's another day, another angst.)