And I will be canceling my ticket. 

 

Fml

87 hit(s) (1 comments) | What say you?  
Apples Nearest the Tree

I have officially purchased my ticket to Chicago. 

One of my thematic life problems is I always second guess everything. Today I got a little hint as to why. I tell my dad that I'm going to get the ticket. Keep in mind a few weeks ago he was helping me look for one at a good price and said he might use his time share deal to get us a hotel. Then today he says "Are you sure you want to do this without a back up?" and "Are you sure he can't just come here?"

A back up? What kind of back up? how exactly does he think I'm going to "hedge my bet" on going to visit this guy? Why is he trying to cast doubt!? It's just his nature and he's where I got it from. And why on earth would he or I want him to come here!? I live in a town notorious for having nothing interesting to do. Why would he spend hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket to come to the town he hated so much he moved? Why would we do this especially when for the same price we can go somewhere interesting, do fun things, and have a holiday weekend?! True, if he came here it would save us money since we wouldn't need a hotel.... but then we'd be in my studio apartment in the ghetto... WHY?! 

Additionally this is our reuniting trip. We want to have fun and just enjoy ourselves on our own. If he came here- my parents would want us to spend time with them.... not that I'm against that in theory but... I haven't seen the dude in approaching a year, I don't want to SHARE him!  His family wants me to go there to his town and we don't want to for the same reason AND he doesn't have his house yet so he's staying with his aunt and uncle who are very conservative so he would have to sleep on the COUCH and I'd sleep in his bed alone.....not really what I had in mind lol. 

 

We're going to have so much fun. This kind of trip is why I like this guy in the first place- he does things, he plans things, he takes initiative, he consults with me. He wants to do things.  

I'm nervous, excieted, anxious.... something tends to go wrong so... but this is going to just all go right.

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He asked me how I feel about a long distance relationship like officially. I told him I never wanted to be in one because it just seems needlessly difficult and painful.... but that also the only person I want to be in a relationship with is him and he’s far away so... maybe we should give it a try. I told him the notion terrifies me because if it goes well it can’t stay long distance and I now he’s not moving back here so it would have to be me to go where he is... 

My family was mostly supportive except my step brother. He actually found a moment to tell me that everyone else will tell me it’s a great idea but it’s not it makes everything harder. I will be honest that shook me a little just because he tends to stay out of things and not offer an opinion. When I think about it yeah it’s harder than if he were here but I’d rather hard than nothing, right!?

And yeah would I prefer him closer- yes obviously... but I had missed just talking with this man and I know we won’t be apart forever, you know? We had a video call this morning I had actually accidentally called him. After we hung up he texted “you look really cute this morning btw” I literally hadn’t even washed my face yet, no makeup unbrushed hair, PJs... and he says I’m cute. 

I sent him a cake for his birthday and he took it with him to the restaurant with his family which just made me super happy actually. He sent me pictures they were great- he doesn’t like taking pictures of himself and even less with big smiles but I just love seeing him smile it’s seriously the cutest.

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Pressure
Listening to: Radiolab

I am 33. I am single. 

These are two innocuous facts, right? Just data. Just information. But almost every day something happens, someone says something, that reminds me: Your single and your eggs are getting old you're going to die childless and alone. 

People like to say "It will happen when it's supposed to happen" um... based on what?! Based on all the relationships in existence currently occured at the most ideral appropriate time and the moste ideal approprate way? Because noone has ever died alone and childless before who wanted a family? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sometimes it doesn't happen. Sometimes you die alone. Sometimes your reproductive organs age beyond the point of fertility. These things do happen. Will it happen to me? Yet to be determined, but don't be an idiot. 

This is a complete shock in my mind because I've always been, up to a few years ago. very firmly of the school that I don't need a man, I don't want children, relationships are nice but not necissary, I'm independent and complete. 

It's a huge shift, in my actual feeling. There's not a lot changed about the rest of my personality which is problematic. It's problematic because when I say to someone that I am bummed because the guy I have been most interested in has moved out of state when I feel like my career is getting started, they all look at me confused. There's no other option in the other womens mind to just follow the man- go where he goes. What's complicated, Meg, just quit your job and move to Bumfuck, Indiana.

Nevermind that I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Nevermind that bailing on my career could cause irreprible career damage... 

I want to go visit him, I do, I miss him. But... if I go I will want to stay... I will picture all the ways I could make that my home... 

But will that be living my life or ... just following a man.... but what if just following a man is what will make me happiest... 

I suck at making the big decisions.  

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What if he was my person?

He left. He moved. Before we got "attacted". 

We were attached but it was too soon to say it. 

Now he says how he misses me and wishes I'd visit. 

My heart jumped into my throat as he said...

"I should have brought you with me" 

117 hit(s) (1 comments) | What say you?  
Is it just me?
Listening to: The ceiling fan

Years ago... roughly ten years ago in fact... this site... it died. 

Not a clear sudden death. It was more like a slow atrophy where the neglect of one user begat the neglect of another. 

I watched and waited wide eyed and hopeful for a last gasp of life for a time but ultimately I too sought self expression elswhere. 

In a bout of irony I find the once vibrant roaring fire of a community to have cooled and the smoke has disapated as I return here hoping... 

Almost 15 years of blogging and what have I to show for it?

Two ghost towns. 

 

 

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Risking it all

For some reason I felt compelled to come here and tell the emptieness that I've found my man. 

He's everything I never knew I wanted as well as all of the things I knew I needed. 

I saw him and he was real and it was as if I recognized him from some forgotten past. 

He knows how to handle me... for years I've wanted to surrender but I couldn't to anyone less than him. 

 

 

 

(I feel like I'm talking to an imaginary friend I have stopped believing in but never said goodbye to.) 

 

*Update*

...and he turned out to be a lying son of a bitch. 

... and I'm on to the next one... hopefully he's not a lying sack of shit. 

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All of these voices... It Breaks My Heart
Listening to: Fidelity- Regina Spektor

Am I the only one who comes back to this site visiting passed virtual friends pages as though their graves wanting to leave comments like floral offerings

 

Am I the only one who thinks of nerses at odd moments like it's my neurosis

 

It's odd how the caricatures from this site have sort of burned onto my mind forgotten for streaches of time but then surface in hayzy nostalgia.

 

Kisses and warm wishes for this new year

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I had a dream

In this dream it was revealed to me that many of my previous dreams were not dreams but repressed memories.

I had a dream that all my dreams came true.

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He doesn't even ask if I want to go he just says he's got a gig on Friday. He knows I'll be there.

I'll spend a day thinking I wont go... I'll have something better to do. I'll spend a day thinking of reasons I should and shouldn't go. I'll spend a day pretending I'm not shopping for something for something to wear.

I just don't know how to get what I want.

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I had a dream that I was adopting a set of twin girls at their birth. One of those situations where the parent's pick you out before they're born. In the dream my sister was pregnant with twin girls and she went into labor the same day as my girls were being born. I was taking her to the hospital... we were both single.

If 5-10 years from now my sister and I are left single with two kids a piece to take care of and only each other for support I will not be shocked.

144 hit(s) (1 comments) | What say you?  

So there's this preacher boy who works with me. Sometimes he takes my locker and I open it only to find a mug with the seminary logo on it where I would rather put my purse. And sometimes I see him looking at me like he's thinking really hard about something so I smile and he comes out of it and smiles back.

He's only spoken to me once before, excluding today.

He seemed real anxious to talk to me too. I was friendly and encouraging, he seems sweet. The type of guy a new friend might set me up with.

But I'm no preachers wife. A music ministers wife maybe but not the preachers.

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I want to disappear.

Vanish into thin air.

I want to watch myself walk off into a sunset.

145 hit(s) (0 comments) | What say you?  
He left this morning.

If I ever become famous (for what I've no idea) I will give my autograph in crayon only.

This is the sort of thing on which I speculate.

I smoke so I have a legitimate reason to carry a lighter, "Because you never know when you'll want to light something on fire" was starting to weird people out. "Real smokers" would hate to know I don't inhale it... it agitates my throat.

I play with the smoke as I let it burn down.

182 hit(s) (2 comments) | What say you?  
Put "want" in one hand...

Everyone leaves me...

I'd like to be the one to do the leaving for once. I'd like to break a heart for once.

I want to be the one who wakes him up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with the knowledge that he can't touch me all too fresh in his mind.

I want him to be the one to shed a tear at the thought that he may never see me again... ever.

198 hit(s) (4 comments) | What say you?  

It's my birthday. I have nothing planned but next week Ethan is taking me to DC. I have lived four hours away for almost 5 years and have still never been.

I'm 24... I feel like 23 was the end of "early twenties". I actually feel old.

173 hit(s) (0 comments) | What say you?  
Tender On My Tongue

Some days you wake up and it's the middle of the night.

Tornadoes. That's what my dream was about. Everyone was trying to take shelter cowering in fear. I wanted to see it. They all yelled, “Are you crazy?! You'll get yourself killed!” all I could think was, “So?”

I used to be angsty about feeling alone in large groups. Now I'm angsty about feeling alone because no one is around... I think it's a lateral move.

How bad would it be to call up my alcoholic friend to go drinking before her AA meeting... yeah that's what I thought.

I'm bored with being “good”.

“Tomorrow... we'll get it all done tomorrow,” she says. Meanwhile she hopes the wold will end tonight.

The worst thing about playing a part is suspecting that everyone else is acting like they don't know.

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