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uncanny |
December 18th, 2008 @ 12:15am |
Friday night I crashed your party, Saturday I said I'm sorry. Sunday came and trashed me out again. I was only having fun. Wasn't hurting anyone, and we all enjoyed the weekend for a change.
I've been stranded in the combat zone. I walked through Bedford Stuy alone, even rode my motorcycle in the rain. You told me not to drive but I made it home alive, so you said that only proves that I'm insane.
You may be right, I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for.
Turn out the light, don't try to save me. You may be wrong for all I know, but you may be right
Remember how I found you you there, alone in your electric chair. I told you dirty jokes until you smiled. You were lonely for a man, I said take me as I am, cause you might enjoy some madness for a while.
Now think of all the years you tried to, find someone to satisfy you. I might be as crazy as you say. If I'm crazy then it's true, that it's all because of you, and you wouldn't want me any other way.
You may be right, I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for.
Turn out the light, don't try to save me. You may be wrong for all I know, but you may be right
It's too late to fight. It's too late to change me. You may be wrong for all I know, but you may be right.
You, Billy Joel, have robbed me of any hope I had left. I guess I WOULDN'T want her any other way. Ha. |
| 41 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
that bad?
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why can't we |
December 16th, 2008 @ 11:56pm |
OK. OK. Right? I don't understand. This weekend was perfect. I mean, everything about it was unchangeable and pristine and she didn't pull away from me or act out at all, until last night. Before we got into Kate's car I was on my knees on top of her, she had her legs wrapped around my waist and I laid my head on her chest. Kate called and announced her arrival so we threw our shoes on and pulled on our jackets as we hurried outside.
Snowball fight. I hate the snow. I wanted to pull her into the bathroom with me. Melissa was high after two hits and Amanda transformed from pleasant into overbearing and protective. Melissa kept looking at me and I remembered our last private conversation, which took place in the very bathroom of which I was speaking.
Me: Bathroom. Be right back.
Melissa: You're drunk and stumbling! I'll walk you.
I wrapped my arms around her to support her all the way down the hall and to the left. I am supporting the small of her back. I pull her toward me and turn her around so she faces me. I put my lips next to her ear.
Me: Do you like me?
Melissa: I do.
She looks down. She looks up. She kisses my neck and grabs onto my hips.
Melissa: I'm so in love with you.
I froze. I pull her chin up from my neck and look at her.
Me: I'm sorry. I'm not going to do this.
I lean forward and kiss her cheek. I push her firmly out of the bathroom and shut the door in front of her.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why did I ask? Why is Amanda still my friend?
Tabby arrived then. (still the night before the snowball fight) I had saved her text from an hour before:
Tabby: Haha. Chloe, I love you too! Don't tell Cera, but I thought you looked really hot last night. Sh.
She walked in the door and I didn't hesitate. I had already kissed everybody else in the room more than once. She wouldn't kiss me not even on the cheek, but I did mention to her that I have explicit instructions from my girlfriend, Cera Osborne, never to kiss one Tabatha Hansen. I never did. I never had. Later there was cause for accusation: Cera notices the oddity between Tabby and me. I don't notice. Tim notes the tension.
Result, then, the next night Cera won't touch me. She turned her back on me every time Tabby came near, and she stopped trying to catch me when I would fall. Honestly, I realized that I trip more around her because she catches me. I don't know what to do when she looks away. I just fall I guess.
Tabby drives us back to my house. I get out and she gets out, we stand on the sidewalk and embrace. She walks away without acknowledging Cera, until the very last second. She drives away.
In my bed I can't get off. I am distressed because she's just not into it. I finish myself and then I can't get her off, not that I ever can. There is some mental block or something, she can't get past it and I am constantly feeling inadequate. After a long silence I spill my intentions and she gives a feeble response before passing out. We slept. At 6 AM we had a rerun of a few hours before except this time I took her home and proceeded to board an airplane headed back to Denver.
Some particularly memorable events from this weekend:
After I had entirely too much rum, I crawled across the gray tile floor to Kate and when she pulled me up to a standing position, I confessed that I had a significant infatuation with her.. for about a year. She reciprocated and we kissed several times following that conversation. All in fun, of course.
Jordan stuck her tongue in my mouth while we were "kissing" and when I pulled away disgusted, she said: "After you and Cera break up, I'll fuck you again, ok?"
Tabby put her hands underneath my shirt while we were dancing. I fell asleep on her chest while holding her hand. For once she didn't let go.
I practiced listening to Ceranne's heart while I was talking to her. I listened for her reaction, if there was one.
Cera and I danced to Billy Joel's song, "You May Be Right". Later on she imitated Oakley's terrible kissing and we slapped each other in the face, to see if we liked it. We didn't. |
| 5 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
that bad?
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on trial |
December 3rd, 2008 @ 3:34pm |
Honestly I don't understand. Daniel and I were sharing sessions with our personal trainer. He paid 12.50 and I paid 12.50. He goes twice a week, I decided to go once a week. He told me: "well, you pay for the shared sessions or I'm not working out with you anymore." So I didn't go with him yesterday. I'm not paying his half. Does that make any sense?
Over and over:
I have Guadalupe V. Cervantes, medical record number X92847N34, DOB 2/13/63
Match. I have Guadalupe V. Cervantes, medical record number X92847N34, DOB 2/13/63
Dad is sedated. The nurses keep talking to him and he doesn't respond. They just started the infusion. His temperature is dropping because the cells are frozen.
I'm sitting here, silent. My music player won't load because the wireless at P/SL has a low signal.
You think I'm making a mistake. You think I'm trying to escape. That may be true, but I've finally got the chance to breathe.
When you take a step off a building, you've got the chance to fall or fly. This is me choosing and I don't intend to die.
Not when I feel so alive.
They're administering oxygen now. |
| 33 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
that bad?
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