|
Just to catch myself up on everything. |
June 26th, 2009 @ 4:59pm |
Listening to: Conquest-White Stripes
Not a lot has happened.
A $3 investment two weeks ago led me to spend $27 for some correction pills on June 16th. I was dizzy for the next day.
I restarted my period, probably because of those stupid pills. Just hanging out, waiting for that to end.
I realized that I am really uncomfortable around people because I am mostly really uncomfortable with myself. Never know what to do with my hands or my mouth or my eyes or anything!!!!
I've cleaned my room. Packed away all of my middle and high school memories. Even a diary from fifth grade.
I am gaining a lot of weight. It is too easy to sit around doing nothing all the time with friends. Eating all the time. Sleeping, playing games, etc.
I only have one pair of pants that actually fit me anymore. They are a size 9 and they were too big for me in the first place.
The Good in the Hood parade is tomorrow. Will be walking in that. I've decided against my bicycle. It is not worth the hassle. I fear for a sunburn.
Also, the roller derby championships are tomorrow. I feel so disconnected from the roller derby lately, because I never had any money to attend the bouts that weren't being held at the expo center (AKA volunteers were not necessary).
I'm sort of uncomfortable with my friends lately. Mostly because of the whole being uncomfortable with myself, thing.
That is about it. I'm not doing anything with myself besides being fat and lazy. Go me...
...........................................
........................................... |
| 26 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
I almost forgot what I was like |
June 11th, 2009 @ 4:57pm |
|
To have a friend gets you so well. To stay up until 3AM crying from laughing at a frozen camera image on the television, or 'skunk' episodes.
It's nice to know that you've got a friend who's shared similar experiences with you, y'know the good ones and the crummy ones. A friendship where you don't have to worry about whether or not they will develop romantic feelings for you (not even a little lick, ha!).
I almost forgot what that was like.
It's cool. |
| 70 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
Menstrual log: job hunt edition |
June 10th, 2009 @ 10:52pm |
|
YEP.
Lucky rollerskate underwear, you are tarnished.
This is a menstrual log for yesterday, 6/9/09.
Thank god. |
| 7 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
Wow I'm glad I won't go to this school anymore |
June 5th, 2009 @ 12:26pm |
|
THEY BLOCKED CRAIGSLIST.
No but really I am starting to feel a little melancholy. My teachers are writing these really heartfelt things about me in my 'yearbook'.
It was sixty dollars cheaper and it doesn't have terrible spelling errors.
Man oh man.
four more hours. |
| 27 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
Wow today is a day |
May 18th, 2009 @ 12:45pm |
|
Ms. Lisenby having us watch "The Secret" and realizing that it isn't even a real movie it's a 'documentary' that basically stresses to never say the word "don't" or "can't" because if you can dream it/see it, you CAN and WILL achieve it.
Telling all teachers that I won't be in classes tomorrow. Telling teachers that I don't even have that I can't come to meetings and whatnot.
Discovering I have ALLERGIES. My eyes are so small and they won't stop watering. My nose won't stop stuffing or running and I am sneezing everywhere.
This STUPID ASL MUSIC VIDEO that will never be finished by 2PM today because I FORGOT TO GET THE CORRECT MUSIC, AND IC AN'T EVEN WORK ON IT OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL OH MY GOD
I'm leaving for the beach tonight, though.
Forget about it! |
| 66 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
I feel myself slowly |
May 5th, 2009 @ 11:56pm |
|
withdrawing.
From what? |
| 57 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
Salt Lake Tribune snippet |
April 28th, 2009 @ 3:40pm |
|
"It is deeply disturbing that on April 6, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, an 11-year-old sixth-grader from Springfield, Mass., hanged himself with an extension cord in his family's home after being subjected to continuous anti-gay bullying and harassment at his middle school. It is equally as disheartening that on April 16, less than two weeks later, Jaheem Herrera, an 11-year-old fifth-grader from DeKalb County, Ga., also hanged himself at home after being the subject of anti-gay taunts from his classmates. These were two completely separate and isolated instances, but the tragic and preventable nature of each unfortunate loss of life remains the same.
Neither Carl nor Jaheem identified as gay, yet their peers' defamatory language and hurtful behaviors broke the barriers of sexual orientation and gender identity. Being taunted as "faggot," "queer" or "homo" by classmates is offensive and demeaning to any student -- straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning alike.
Carl is the fourth middle school student this year to complete suicide due to bullying, and Jaheem was still in elementary school."
|
| 37 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
|
April 24th, 2009 @ 12:55pm |
|
It is far too easy to fall complacent to life and its simple pleasures. |
| 36 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
Sunday terrified me |
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:49am |
|
When I am upset, I like to take my frustrations out on the people that mean the most to me. With everybody else, I try to see evenly and comprehend logically both sides of the issues so I know how to react calmly and rationally.
I feel like I am doing the same thing now to Zach that I did to Justine, back when we were friends. Back when we were best friends.
I have my own opinions and sometimes they are harsh but I try to voice them, and then sometimes when I am upset I am blunt and sarcastic and say things without thinking. Sometimes when I do that I don't care about what happens because shit just needs to be said, right?
Well uh, Zach voiced his opinions right over to me on Sunday night, bluntly introducing the notion of a breakup if I am not going to try to plan/pursue a stronger commitment further down the road (ie: living together, marriage).
I sat in that chair for a few minutes and I just read those words. I read them and all of these walls started crashing down but I really wanted to keep them held up. I sucked in my breath but it got caught, tight in my throat.
I could handle this conversation maturely, couldn't I? Couldn't I?
Every time a couple breaks up I feel that it shouldn't be a sad occurrence, just an ending to something that was once very good, leading to an opening of the possibility for another pleasant experience to come along. It doesn't have to be sad, does it?
Well, Sunday night all of my logic eluded me as I felt all of my food come up and rest itself at the back of my throat.
Physically ill, I felt physically ill at the sheer realness in this thought, given the circumstance.
That has never happened to me before in my life. That was one of the single worst feelings I have ever experienced.
We've been getting into a lot of arguments lately, it seems. Over the silliest things, too. Maybe it is because I don't hold my tongue. Maybe we just know each other. Maybe, just...I don't know.
Monday was wonderful.
Bright sunshine and a sailor's pleated skirt made for a great morning.
Trotted on over to Zach's house after school and I held him for what seemed like forever. You don't have to say anything. Just feeling a heartbeat helps to solidify so much, you know?
We watched Teeth and I giggled immensely while he cringed at every severed penis scene.
We hung out and everything felt one hundred times better than I remember it feeling the last time we were together--and last time it felt pretty damn good.
I laughed until I cried. We locked one another up in our limbs and tried to solve the puzzle amidst all of my confusion and weakness, and happiness.
Yesterday, it was one of the nicest days I've had in a long, long time.
I don't like to talk about my personal life on here much, ESPECIALLY regarding my relationship, but there it is.
A story after twenty three months. |
| 24 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
"It's so funny, Sierra goes up and she looks |
April 7th, 2009 @ 12:54pm |
|
so cute in her dress and then you go up to sign your monologue and you look like you stepped out of Goodwill."
Hahahahahhaha, thanks life.
|
| 66 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
It's so easy to turn your cheek |
March 28th, 2009 @ 1:21pm |
|
To look at the nightly news and see hundreds of people lined down city blocks for the chance to turn in a single job application. The economy is bad, jobs are hard to find, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, I suppose it's hitting everyone, but our blows aren't so bad. You know, we still go out to dinner and have internet and heat and movies rented on the weekends. It's so easy to forget, or to never think to care in the first place.
What if it does affect you, though? Indirectly? Somebody that you know, and you see what they're going through. Of course you soften your heart a little and try to provide the support that they need.
What if the person who confides in you is a 9 year old boy? His father no longer able to pay the rent on his apartment is now homeless, living in a van with his dog. His grandmother, he explains, was living there too. Now she is living in her van with her pet.
It breaks my heart. It makes me care. But I don't know what to do. |
| 70 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
I'm sorry |
March 19th, 2009 @ 11:01am |
|
I don't know how to explain how this all happened, really. My descent from this reality into a softly focused world where all the lines in the background seem to blur into one. The change was so sudden and subtle, as though I woke up one day and suddenly stopped caring about everything. I've always felt disconnected from the world, but lately I feel that as long as people begin to ease out of my sight, I have no problem shaking their old meanings from my mind. I have this habit of not caring. I mean, at one point I had ambitions and goals in my life. I could smile and laugh for everybody--now all that I want is a simple and basic life away from almost everyone I have ever known.
I've always thought about my death. When I was in elementary school I always felt like there was something different about me, in a sort of way that nobody could see or understand--that only I could feel. I never thought I'd live a long, fulfilling life. My mind has always felt that I would be dead before high school graduation. That is only three months away; life is surprising me.
I have no true reason to complain about my life, but I feel as though I should be dead. I think about it constantly and anticipate an accident fathomable depending on location. Lately, I've even begun to wonder if I am supposed to be killing myself )I've always been into DIY projects--hahahaha, not funny sorry). I am not depressed, so these feelings confuse me as they seem to consume my being.
No longer do I feel the need to try--maintaining friendships or schoolwork or attempting a shot at college. I don't even have much of a personality anymore. Suicide is a dreadfully selfish act, and though I've been thinking of it lately, I am not prepared to act on it anytime soon. Thoughts are just thoughts, they don't mean anything.
Looking back at me, I'm not who I used to be. I'll open up for a moment right now and tell you how much I absolutely hate that. My life is scaring me, but I just don't know what to do about myself anymore.
I want to get back. |
| 51 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
I have a sister |
March 17th, 2009 @ 11:33am |
|
Today is her birthday. I think that she is five now. Or six. I've never been good with years.
The entry title of this was misspelled when I first typed it, but it was more accurate than the current one. I had a sister.
Happy St. Patrick's day. |
| 42 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
THIS one is really funny |
March 11th, 2009 @ 12:09pm |
|
HAAAHAHAHAHAHAH |
| 62 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
Stopped short by motivation. |
March 5th, 2009 @ 11:36pm |
Listening to: Marry Me-No Doubt
Feeling: uninspired
This was originally supposed to be done in a private place, you know, on the dirty notebook pages streaked with the mixture of blood and mascara, written up and hidden in all of your teenage angst beneath the endless clusters of papers and tests that may have once, but will never mean a damn to you again. That's where this story was supposed to go. These stories, actually. It looks like you'll be stuck reading them, if I ever find my motivation to write all of these thoughts that have been endlessly brewing. Maybe another time. Someday.
At this point in time I am an another time kind of girl. For now I am that someday lady.
What to do, what to do.
|
| 30 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Leave comments
|
|
| Entry List |
|
Just to catch myself up on...
|
|
I almost forgot what I was...
|
|
Menstrual log: job hunt...
|
|
Wow I'm glad I won't go to...
|
|
Wow today is a day
|
|
I feel myself slowly
|
|
Salt Lake Tribune snippet
|
|
blank
|
|
Sunday terrified me
|
|
"It's so funny, Sierra goes...
|
|
It's so easy to turn your...
|
|
I'm sorry
|
|
I have a sister
|
|
THIS one is really funny
|
|
Stopped short by motivation.
|
|
We used to have the option of...
|
|
I haven't posted in awhile,
|
|
The neverending struggle
|
|
Menstrual log: roller derby...
|
|
Maybe I didn't mean that last...
|
|
Memories
|
|
We need to talk
|
|
I am just one big, fat,...
|
|
menstrual log: New Years Eve...
|
|
Relationships and my family
|
|
Sweet jesus it has stopped!!
|
|
Menstrual log I guess
|
|
The last time I fell asleep
|
|
Feminists are like three year...
|
|
It's not that I "act like I am
|
|
Taoist sexuality
|
|
Time passes
|
|
menstural log # WTF?
|
|
I came to school today with...
|
|
Britney Spears, I totally...
|
|
Copied and pasted from a...
|
|
Menstrual log no. 3
|
|
I have to tell you
|
|
I am so hungry
|
|
SAT Score
|
|
It has been exactly one year
|
|
I was afraid, but I wrote it.
|
|
Senior culminating project...
|
|
Decency or class, never to be...
|
|
Menstrual log no. 2
|
|
You may not have noticed
|
|
Explanations
|
|
Today is so weird
|
|
I hope I don't regret these...
|
|
"A feminist dream at the GOP"
|
|
Aggravation is
|
|
School does not
|
|
Well it doesn't matter anyway
|
|
GREAT OF COURSE AUGUST...
|
|
Living in my family
|
|
Feeling so
|
|
Written lines
|
|
Written lines
|
|
I think it is stupid
|
|
This is it
|
|
Menstrual log no. 1
|
|
Lack of originality
|
|
It took a big realization
|
|
So
|
|
Abortion
|
|
If lice are supposed to die
|
|
Come on, now.
|
|
So
|
|
blank
|
|
This week
|
|
Dammit, Mrs. Walker.
|
|
So hey,
|
|
Hey, so I finished this story.
|
|
Of cunts and classroom...
|
|
Oh hi
|
|
Last hope
|
|
Employment
|
|
God
|
|
Be nice.
|
|
With my parents out of town
|
|
I swear my nose
|
|
Menstrual blood good for...
|
|
My digital photography teacher
|
|
The Ballad of the Lonely...
|
|
Today is nice
|
|
Mixed signs
|
|
Today I found a copy of Vogue
|
|
Wow.
|
|
This is the entry that I...
|
|
BOOBS YOU'RE KILLIN' ME
|
|
Something that I might...
|
|
We can shut up now
|
|
(Written Lines) This is for...
|
|
My little brother
|
|
Of suicide attempts and...
|
|
When around my family for so...
|
|
I experienced
|
|
Why I wish Kerry came to my...
|
|
Here for you
|
|
THIS IS FOR YOU BRITTANY LEE
|
|
When I grow up
|
|
Menstruation
|
|
I feel as though I'll vomit
|
|
Don't know
|
|
Whoa there
|
|
Ha-ha of the day
|
|
It's only 11:34
|
|
Also. This is my latest story.
|
|
Creepy crawlies
|
|
Oral pain
|
|
HATE IT
|
|
This won't be private when...
|
|
With everything I write
|
|
blank
|
|
Just as I thought
|
|
I've become
|
|
Another realization
|
|
Danger
|
|
Nice girls
|
|
blank
|
|
Wait what
|
|
I'm not very
|
|
COME ON NOW.
|
|
Writing challenge.
|
|
Quick! Who are you in 200...
|
|
hahahah I'm okay with being...
|
|
Giving.
|
|
Creative writing assignment...
|
|
I know where prom is!
|
|
Sure, the page is full of
|
|
I suck with photoshop.
|
|
Favorite photos ever.
|
|
Today I am a moron.
|
|
HOW AWESOME IS IT THAT
|
|
Nothing mean.
|
|
I am an antichrist!
|
|
Your initials are wonderful.
|
|
First Maureen, and now
|
|
Last night my father made
|
|
You know the times in your...
|
|
Bicycling at thirty three...
|
|
Let me recap the last week
|
|
Correct me if I'm wrong, but
|
|
Attention lacking
|
|
All that I am going to say
|
|
Negativity is nothing to...
|
|
I am not whoreish.
|
|
Oh ho ho
|
|
Gray rape.
|
|
Oh.
|
|
Alameda
|
|
My heart is beating
|
|
How does it feel?
|
|
Resolutionize me!
|
|
If I had a more positive
|
|
I love my mind
|
|
OH AND PS.
|
|
You
|
|
Today
|
|
Faithful comes in many forms
|
|
I am so thankful
|
|
Do you think that I enjoy
|
|
hahahahahaha
|
|
I am here for three reasons
|
|
UGH.
|
|
I stress myself out too much
|
|
This whole lack of
|
|
Yeah, okay.
|
|
American Holocaust
|
|
Thanks to four shots
|
|
No No No No No No
|
|
I wasn't in a decent mood
|
|
Meth, cheating, and shelters?
|
|
Update
|
|
Nothing more than socks.
|
|
blank
|
|
Definitely loving
|
|
Well
|
|
Today was a great day
|
|
Stripped of your equipment
|
|
Horror movies.
|
|
Once again
|
|
Oh, yeah. Okay.
|
|
Cocky?
|
|
Ooh birthday.
|
|
My barfday is tomorrow
|
| 186 post(s) |
|
