What

What in the hell kind of world do I live in where I can seriously lay in my bed bawling because I feel too fat, gross and pale to be worth loving?

Jesus christ.

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Massive consumption

I am a weapon of massive consumption, but it's not my fault it's how I'm programmed to function

 

 

I am questioning myself anymore.

 

How stupid and materialistic have I become? I have been dropping chunks of cash in department stores like crazy as of late, without giving ti a second thought. In fact, feeling good about it.

 

Stupid, stupid stupid.

 

I need to re-evaluate my habits. My consumption support, etc. At this point, god, I feel like I might not even care to shop around in Wal Mart just because of convenience. That is a disgusting thought, isn't it?

 

So, I am not going to stop shopping. I am going to have to do some research, and put some time and effort into the things that I buy. Focusing more on the creators than the companies. Favoring local stores and goods over mass-produced, sweatshop items. Maybe buying handmade online, and paying a little more than I would at some cutesy low-qual mall shop. Find more secondhand stores in the area, etc.

 

Which, you know, could be a lot of fun. Do you feel cooler spending $200 on 7 For All Mankind jeans from Nordstrom than you would spending $30 for them at Goodwill or for $50 at Plato's Closet? Yes, AT GOODWILL. No, actually, you should feel cooler with the latter. I'm a super shopper. It's a challenge!

 

Working on it, working on it.

 

Now, to start exercising, tanning, and reading good books.

 

Yes, I said tanning. That's an entirely different story, something funny.

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I have been so consumed lately,

to the point where I have even forgotten about biting my nails. I kind of completely forgot about them until one of them broke today. How strange!

 

My face has been breaking out massively. I am probably just very stressed out. Hopefully this will change by the end of this week.

 

We'll see!

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Also, following the theme of these entries

I started my period two days ago. Ha!

 

I can't blame my sadness on my menstruation though, as I know I often did.

 

Why?

Because I can't really think of a single thing that could get me down tonight. I even kind of tried. Nothing's there!

 

The only issue that I am having, is that I am nervous to go to sleep, and I wish that I could talk to somebody on the phone while I crawled into bed. Or, my issue could be that I have to crawl into my cold bed and sleep alone.

 

So, whichever one.

Regardless of these issues, I don't expect any tears to fall tonight.

 

 

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Etc etc

My insecurities do get the best of me sometimes.

When in doubt, talk it out. Open communication makes life feel a lot better than insecure assumptions.

 

Things have been going well for me. I am keeping busy, I am staying happy. I love somebody who is very good for me, and I realize this more and more every day. These feelings are good.

 

Not just comfortable, or content, or satisfied enough.

 

Beyond that.

 

So, again, for this love I am very, very glad.

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But you've got the needle,

I guess that's the point of it all. 

 

To be honest, I went into this relationship knowing full-well that I would probably get my heart broken. This isn't something that happens to me often. I can think of two people who have ever caused me to feel that way, brokenhearted, I suppose. Both well over five years ago. I remember sitting alone and crying. I remember I cried almost every day for a week, listening to the saddest Vermillion Lies songs. Cleaning, reflecting, crying, cleansing.

 

I knew that this relationship was going to be different, in this very way. It was a risk that I chose to take. I found somebody who made me very happy, who made me think and feel differently. Vulnerability is a killer. But it's alright, because even if we do part ways, I know that I have been so happy these last few months. The decision would certainly not be my own, but it is what it is, right? So, I am not sure what is going on right now, and I don't exactly feel happy (very confused and concerned, for the most part), but whatever the decision is, I will make the best of it.

 

That's it!

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I am so tired

of putting up with being disrepected and being treated like crap by the people that are supposed to be closest to me.

 

It is exhausting me.

 

I am so tired.

I want to cut ties and forget it all

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Oh, life.

Well, I have some interesting news.

 

1. As of the 21st, I have a boyfriend. I am absolutely thrilled about this. I am very excited for what will come from this!

 

2. I started my period today, so this is a menstrual log. I felt it gush while at work helping a customer in jewelry. Awkward.

 

3. James revealed to me that he cheated on me with three girls while we were dating. One being his ex, one being idfk, and the other, a co-worker who he 'met up' with almost once a week. And that I deserved to be cheated on, and that he never felt bad about it not even once. We dated for a year.

And he keeps blaming it on karma or something.

 

But that is life I guess!

You live, you learn, you love, you lose, and once in awhile, you get burned.

 

But that doesn't ruin me. It doesn't shake me at all. I still love my life, and who I am. And I am most pleased tonight that when I cried, I got up so that I didn't ruin my new pillowcases.

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Birthday!

Which means that it is the anniversary of when I made this diary, I think.

 

 

I am so excited for today! :D

 

I was reading Amanda Palmer's blog last night, and I came across a line that stuck with me--

"i am terrified to define it, for fear that it will become something i need to serve."

She is of course, talking about the meaning of her blog. It is a concept that I suppose I have never thought of in such terms. Very interesting.

 

 

Anyway, I am very excited for my birthday today. Let's hope I don't freeze to death in this tiny dress!

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Elitist

It is frowned upon to think that you are better than other people.

 

I am beyond that. I know that I am doing something right in my life, and I realize that every day when I have to deal with so many shitty people.

 

Happiness consumes me, for the most part. I am not a shitty person. To the surprise of many, I am not even a slut! I am a young, self-respecting lady. I am in control of my life and my decisions. My decisions do not control me. I think that I am wonderful.

 

 

I am losing the ability to empathize the way that I used to. Emphaticalism is so dead. I hardly tolerate anybody at this point.

 

Which is alright. I am still excited for my birthday this year. In fact, I have never looked forward to a birthday more than now.

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The best compliment

"I just want you to know, that I'm not a relationship person. Not anymore. So I want you to know that I'm not going to try anything like that on you someday, but I like you. I really like you."

 

I love it!

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Oh goodness

I think that my life will be much more satisfying if it continues to revolve around, not necessarily promiscuity, but......well, whatever it is.

 

I don't wish to speak of it so crudely :)

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Well,

I AM single, after all.

 

So diagaf right now?

Nope.

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Nowhere

Yeah, we're going nowhere fast.

 

It is what it is. I hate saying that, but that is how it goes.

Time to respond appropriately. Withdrawal may ensue.

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Surprise, surprise

Just wanted to say, that I am alone.

Which is alright. Just me, mediocre, average, sub-par, normal, average, eh, breathing, existing, something. Not sure what I am anymore, but according to so many people, I am just like everybody else.

 

Situations get fucked up, and turned around, sooner or later.

 

 

I am so tired.

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Entry List
What
Massive consumption
I have been so consumed...
Also, following the theme of...
Etc etc
But you've got the needle,
I am so tired
Oh, life.
Birthday!
Elitist
The best compliment
Oh goodness
Well,
Nowhere
Surprise, surprise
Hey, you
Goofy
Oh, oh, oh,
Where your heart is home
Hungry for wonderful
Criminal
Everything
How somber the truth can be
I gross myself out
Loneliness
Memories
Menstruation
Opinions
Oh, little nothings
A little honesty
I don't think I really have
Basically I have no friends
Well, repetition
Menstrual log: 'we all saw...
I shut my eyes and the world...
Just because they call...
blank
I'm not sure what's coming...
Everybody has their thing
It would be a bad habit if I...
Sometimes I get so lonely
If only you knew
Not sure what to talk about
So sleepy all the time
Do you read this?
What ifs
When times call for...
Menstrual log:
The one thing that I cannot
The job interview was...
It's interesting to read...
Things were so nice
Alright just one job update
Well, maybe I should try...
So, my job search faltered
The great job search
Well, I don't know.
Still not over it.
Menstrual log: yesterday...
Just to catch myself up on...
I almost forgot what I was...
Menstrual log: job hunt...
Wow I'm glad I won't go to...
Wow today is a day
I feel myself slowly
Salt Lake Tribune snippet
blank
Sunday terrified me
"It's so funny, Sierra goes...
It's so easy to turn your...
I'm sorry
I have a sister
THIS one is really funny
Stopped short by motivation.
We used to have the option of...
I haven't posted in awhile,
The neverending struggle
Menstrual log: roller derby...
Maybe I didn't mean that last...
Memories
We need to talk
I am just one big, fat,...
menstrual log: New Years Eve...
Relationships and my family
Sweet jesus it has stopped!!
Menstrual log I guess
The last time I fell asleep
Feminists are like three year...
It's not that I "act like I am
Taoist sexuality
Time passes
menstural log # WTF?
I came to school today with...
Britney Spears, I totally...
Copied and pasted from a...
Menstrual log no. 3
I have to tell you
I am so hungry
SAT Score
It has been exactly one year
I was afraid, but I wrote it.
Senior culminating project...
Decency or class, never to be...
Menstrual log no. 2
You may not have noticed
Explanations
Today is so weird
I hope I don't regret these...
"A feminist dream at the GOP"
Aggravation is
School does not
Well it doesn't matter anyway
GREAT OF COURSE AUGUST...
Living in my family
Feeling so
Written lines
Written lines
I think it is stupid
Menstrual log no. 1
This is it
Lack of originality
It took a big realization
So
Abortion
Come on, now.
If lice are supposed to die
So
blank
This week
Dammit, Mrs. Walker.
Hey, so I finished this story.
So hey,
Of cunts and classroom...
Oh hi
Last hope
Employment
God
Be nice.
With my parents out of town
I swear my nose
Menstrual blood good for...
My digital photography teacher
The Ballad of the Lonely...
Today is nice
Mixed signs
Today I found a copy of Vogue
Wow.
This is the entry that I...
BOOBS YOU'RE KILLIN' ME
Something that I might...
(Written Lines) This is for...
We can shut up now
My little brother
Of suicide attempts and...
When around my family for so...
I experienced
Why I wish Kerry came to my...
Here for you
THIS IS FOR YOU BRITTANY LEE
When I grow up
Menstruation
I feel as though I'll vomit
Don't know
Whoa there
Ha-ha of the day
It's only 11:34
Creepy crawlies
Also. This is my latest story.
Oral pain
HATE IT
This won't be private when...
With everything I write
blank
Just as I thought
I've become
Danger
Another realization
Nice girls
blank
Wait what
I'm not very
COME ON NOW.
Writing challenge.
Quick! Who are you in 200...
hahahah I'm okay with being...
Giving.
I know where prom is!
Sure, the page is full of
I suck with photoshop.
Favorite photos ever.
Today I am a moron.
HOW AWESOME IS IT THAT
Nothing mean.
I am an antichrist!
Your initials are wonderful.
First Maureen, and now
Last night my father made
You know the times in your...
Bicycling at thirty three...
Let me recap the last week
Correct me if I'm wrong, but
Attention lacking
All that I am going to say
Negativity is nothing to...
I am not whoreish.
Oh ho ho
Gray rape.
Oh.
Alameda
My heart is beating
How does it feel?
Resolutionize me!
If I had a more positive
I love my mind
OH AND PS.
You
Today
Faithful comes in many forms
I am so thankful
Do you think that I enjoy
hahahahahaha
UGH.
I am here for three reasons
I stress myself out too much
This whole lack of
Yeah, okay.
American Holocaust
Thanks to four shots
No No No No No No
I wasn't in a decent mood
Meth, cheating, and shelters?
Update
Nothing more than socks.
blank
Definitely loving
Well
Today was a great day
Stripped of your equipment
Horror movies.
Once again
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Cocky?
Ooh birthday.
My barfday is tomorrow
244 post(s)