fuck my life man. that's pretty much all i've got. fuck. my. life. my birthday is in a week. I'm pretty much eating a 10 strip to my face...it's about the only thing i have to look forward to. how pathetic is that? all my friends pretty much scattered within about a months time.have basically nothing these days. hopefully i come out of it happy...and not a grapefruit...but either way, it's whatever man. i just don't waht to feel this anymore. i'm pretty much on the verge of peacing outta this place. i just can't even be bothered to care anymore. I'm tired of always being chased by the past. I'm tired of sleeping with ghosts. I'm tired of all the skeletons inhabiting my closet. I'm tired of ALWAYS turning away and having you ALWAYS be there, no matter which way i go. I can't hide from it...i need out. ...but how does one escape, when a prisoner of their own mind?

i'm stuck. i knew this would start happening as soon as Stitch told me about it. this shit sucks. so basically, there's my life. which right now, kind of sucks. it could get better, it could get worse. it's a 50/50 shot there. then, there's my life that could be...which would be amazing. if it didn't make me happy then i guess i'm just really not meant to be happy. i could have everything i've ever wanted. i could make a life for myself, with a house and a nice car and a good job and somewhere down the road, a family. i have all the tools i need. i could leave right now. ...but it would come at a very high price. right about now i'd be almost willing to pay it. I'd probably regret it, but...whatever. i'm so sick of this feeling. but basically, there is someone else i've decided to include in this decision. and it's a crazy idea. i know it is. but if they decide to be included, we could both have this amazing dream come true kind of happiness. problem is, i'd have to put all my cards out on the table for that to happen. and i don't know if i can do that. especially considering the 99 percent chance i have of being shot down. i don't know that i'm ready to face the reality of it. but i can't do anything productive here until i'm 100 percent sure that it won't happen. like getting my school shit together. so i'm stuck. and on the verge of making a decision that will take me down a path that may take me away forever. and it might be the wrong one. ...but how wrong is it really, if it makes me happy in the end? i think i might be on the verge of making a very big mistake.

So i stopped using my sitdiary ages ago. a lot of shits changed. it's whatever though. I started writing a book. I used to think it would have a happy ending...now i'm not so sure. so i'm going to keep up with it and see where it goes. it's pretty much a recount of the daily shit that goes on. i think i'm going to start using this for parts of it. no one really keeps tabs on me anymore anyway, and the whole pen and paper thing is getting old. The book started out as me and my best friend writing down the shit we did so we'd remember the details of our day when we were sober at some point. then it grew to something else...and now, i kinda feel like it's one of about 3 thin strands that are keeping me grounded. it's a gift and a curse...they're keeping me from drifting away, but at the same time, they're tying me down. everyone who is a part of my life will probably present themselves at some point in this story. Me and my best friend who is helping me recount these stories decided that everyone's names must be changed. so if you run into some off names, they all have a story. maybe I'll make a listing of some of the better ones. not that i think many people will stumble across this. or read it if they do. but it's whatever. I'm only writing on here so it's easier to keep track of shit. I tried tripping today. but i ended up just passing out. i guess that happens sometimes. whatever. i still felt like i was waking up to a new world. you know when you watch movies how sometimes there's parts when the main character will walk into a store and it'll be all bright and the walls are too white and it's almost awkward? whenever i trip i get that feeling that they're conveying in those scenes. every time i go inside lights are too bright and everythings too clean and the walls are too close, and it's awkward. i don't know how else to explain it. did you know that when you're typing on a cellphone keypad using that T9 bullshit, the words often and never are only one number apart? it's kind of ironic. I've really done a number on my mind in the past couple of months. i had a revelation that i don't know how to be in love without drugs. maybe i'll try it sometime. well, the problem isn't really the relationships themselves...well, i suppose it is, but let's not go into that. the problem is, i don't know how to go back to being sober and happy. i've never done it. i started smoking weed after Konstantine, and just never went back to the sober life, haha. I've been a pothead ever since, with an arrest on my record to prove it. Then when Ophelia and i were done, i started experimenting with L. It's the age old question that constantly presents itself. How far are you willing to take this? how far is this going to go? I started dropping L so i could forget about her. and it's worked, to an extent. i still remember. i still feel her there sometimes. everything still hurts. but when i think about us...it's like a movie that i only saw a few times and haven't watched in ages. only i kind of have a thing against this movie. i didn't like it, it made me bitter with life afterwards. so because i've written it off as a sucky movie, i've forgotten a lot of the good parts. so now all that's really left in my mind are the bad parts. only, i can't dwell on the bad. it'll just make me get angry and frustrated and i'll end up getting stuck, more so than i already am. so i just try not to think about her. it worked for a while... then i met blu. but that's another story. i don't really know how I got here in the first place. see what i mean about doing a number on my mind? I've done well in forgetting...but she seems to be taking a piece of my mind with her. I've been doing that thing a lot more lately where i'll get paranoid and hide my shit from the world and then i'll forget where i put it. it's a spiral and i know i'm doing it, but i can't stop it. it's so frustrating. my head hurts from thinking too hard. the government has this way of looking at people who have tripped like we're all raving lunatics. i don't think it's entirely true. i think acid has a bad rep. yes, it does change you forever. once you trip on LSD your mind will never be the same. and yes, it is dangerous. it can turn you into orange juice and grapefruits and jocelyn. But in small doese, i don't think it's a bad thing. acid is what some people call a "mind expanding drug". on a normal day, you use about 10 percent of your brain. on acid, you use a lot more. a good friend of mine once told me that if i was ever going to do a drug once that wasn't weed, to do acid once, because after that, thew world makes so much more sense. which, it does. it takes it's toll on you, but really, you're giving up a piece of yourself to become part of something much greater. Acid will open up a whole new world to you, literally. that's how Vegas and i describe it to people who don't understand tripping. there's the acid world, and there's sober world. it has it's own people, just like any country does, and it's own culture (including music), and...atmosphere? idk. it's hard to explain this place to anyone who hasn't been there. Vegas and i spent 3 months in sober world after our first time tripping. when we finally did again, it was like waking up from a 3 month long coma. we woke up in a totally different place. so long as you don't fuck with it...Acid is a beautiful drug. but it's whatever. who cares what i think about it, i'm just a raving lunatic anyway...right?

i was updating my myspace profile...and this just kinda came up. but i thought it might be a little personal for the world to see. I'm going to make something of myself. I'm not sure what yet, but I know I'm going to be great. There are people that I have known and cared for, who are throwing their lives away stupidly...and one of those people made the mistake of telling me that I would never get anywhere. So now, my goal is to make something of myself, and to be the best person that I can, to show them all what they're missing out on, and maybe to motivate them to better themselves too...and so I can throw it in her face someday that she was wrong, that I made something of myself, while she was busy throwing her life away.

I'm coming out of my cage And I’ve been doing just fine Gotta gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I’m falling asleep And she’s calling a cab While he’s having a smoke And she’s taking a drag Now they’re going to bed And my stomach is sick And it’s all in my head But she’s touching his—chest Now, he takes off her dress Now, let me go I just can’t look its killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibis But it’s just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes ‘Cause I’m Mr. Brightside I’m coming out of my cage And I’ve been doing just fine Gotta gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I’m falling asleep And she’s calling a cab While he’s having a smoke And she’s taking a drag Now they’re going to bed And my stomach is sick And it’s all in my head But she’s touching his—chest Now, he takes off her dress Now, let me go I just can’t look its killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibi But it’s just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes ‘Cause I’m Mr. Brightside you know, all I ever wanted was for you to love me. Was that so much to ask? I've loved you since the moment we met. It was instant... i honestly wish it hadn't happened. i wish i could have just torn my heart out of my chest, thrown it at you, and walked away. it would have hurt less, in the long run. three years of my life, i've devoted to you. wasted on you. lost to you. it's not like i never tried to tell you. you just didn't listen. you never listened to me. i could tell you i loved you, and you'd start talking about the cute boy in school. i honestly don't know why i ever loved you. why i still hang on. you're selfish. you're one of the most selfish people i've ever met. and you turned me into a selfish person. i spent all my time and energy taking care of you, and nearly killed myself in doing so. because while i was talking care of you, you were worrying about yourself, as always. so in the end, no one was watching out for me. so i decided to focus on myself, since no one else cared enough to...not even my "loving" girlfriend. you know what? i would have given you everything. i would have gone to the ends of the earth for you. i would have killed for you. i. loved. you. you never did quite get that. you tried to take advantage of me. "Brandi, i'm having such a bad night, my life sucks and me and my boyfriend just got in a fight...i think you should move here, and be four hours away from everything you know, and start your life over again for the fourth time, and give up going to college, and get a job or two here so you can pay half the rent to live in a closet size bedroom in an apartment with me and my boyfriend, so that when i have nights like this i can come running to you and you can hold me and comfort me." you know what? fuck you. if you truly loved me, or had even a shred of respect for me, you would have wanted what was best for me. NOT what you think is best for you. i have no pity for you, honestly. you dug yourself into this hole you're in. it's your own goddamn fault you're having to jump from apartment to apartment and share rooms with 4 other people and work 3 jobs to pay for it. you took me for granted. i resent you terribly for it, but at the same time, i'm glad you did. because if you had opened your eyes, and seen what i was offering you, you could have so easily taken advantage of me. i would have given you the world on a silver platter. i would have gladly given up college and worked 2 or 3 jobs to support us. and all i would have asked for in return is for you to love me. hell, i would have been satisfied with you just saying you loved me. you wouldn't have even needed to mean it...it's not like you ever did before anyway, so i'm used to it by now. you know what? i almost did go to new york. i almost gave up everything i know, everyone i love, just to be near you. just for the chance that maybe, just maybe, you'd finally see me. i'm glad i didn't make that mistake. i made my decision on june 6th, and i haven't looked back since, nor do i regret it. i've finally found someone who loves me more than themselves. you would never, could never, have done that. god forbid you put yourself aside once in a while for someone else. i know you hate me for it. you don't want me to be happy with anyone else. especially not Jordan, i mean, how dare she get between us? how dare she steal me from you? how dare she tell you that she doesn't want me around you? you're kim quinn, i am Brandi Rose. you own me. i am at your beckon call, day and night, i always have been and always will be, and nothing and no one will ever come between us, because i have devoted myself to you, and vow to be your footstool for the rest of my days...right? sorry sweetie, but my world doesn't revolve around you anymore. get over yourself. you know, i almost made the same mistake you did. i had someone who was just as devoted to me as i once was to you. she was willing to give me everything, all she asked in return was that i love her. sound familiar? thank god she didn't give up on me...and thank god, i gave up on you. i get why she hates you now. it's the same reason as why i always hated Cai. You would have given him everything, anything, you would have devoted yourself to him...and he just threw that away, like it was nothing. ...like i was nothing. but hey, whatever, right? that was always your answer, to everything, "whatever". i'm through wondering "what if". I'm through with sleepless nights. I'm through tearing myself to pieces trying to please you. i'm through reminiscing. I'm through with getting hurt. i swear on everything in me that i'm through with you.

so it's 11:20 right now. i'm kinda tired, but no amount of bodily fatigue could slow down my racing mind. i really wish i had a sense of direction. because right now...i'm kinda just spinning freely. i hate this, being in limbo =/ everythings coming up soon. prom, scotts wedding, all arts day, graduation, kim, eileen, jenni, my birthday, college... it's gonna be here before i know it and i'm just gonna be slammed by it all. it's gonna be pretty overwhelming. amazing...but overwhelming. too much emotion, crammed into a short amount of time. i have a feeling i might lose my head before it's over to the rush =/ but eh. maybe not. i'm pretty good at taking things in stride. it's gonna be insane. even just to pick apart, it's all crammed together. prom next weekend. my cousins wedding the next day. kim the 28th and/or 29th (who i haven't seen in a year and a half) then eileen the 30th (who i haven't seen in...4 years) then jenni (who i haven't seen in a year) around that same time... then graduation, right after all of that. that's going to be emotional in itself, you know? crazy stuff. i can't wait for it though. none of it. i can't wait to see kim...i'm gonna cry, i bet you =] and eileen too. she's the closest thing i'll ever have to a sister. our parents have been friends for like, 20 years. i mean, they brought eileen to the hospital, and all of them waited while my mom was having me. we grew up together...she's one of those people that'll always be in my life, you know? no matter what, i've got her. Jenni too =] so that's pretty much my life right now. yeah, not too interesting, but meh. it's more than enough for me right now, lol. <333

taken from songmeanings.com (the meaning of Konstantine) "i actually don't take it about a specific girl named "Konstantine" I take it for the meaning of someone DAMN special to the author. The city Constantine is a city of Algeria. In like 311 AD is was destroyed in a war, but Emperor Constantine I came and rebuilt it (so it was named after him from then on) I just thought the author meant the person was like his Constantine...whenever someone would tear him down, and destroy him she/he would come and rebuild him, and make sure he was just as strong as he was before." "Konstantine is one of the most amazing songs ever...his voice is so passionate...i have to agree with whoever said that Konstantine wasn't the name of the girlfriend...the song is about a girl who he can't get off his mind. he has this constant longing for her...he messed up and he knows it...he wants her back so bad but he doesn't wanna hurt her again...and when he says "this is because i can spell konfusion with a k and i like it" he's talking about her name...Konstantine is the confusion and although it drives him crazy, he still loves her anyway..." "He broke up with her, he still loves her but it was something he had to do. At first he's sorry he hurt her, but then he starts to miss her when all the little things remind him of her ( 11:11 ) and realizes that he has hurt himself just as much as he hurt her. And he hopes to one day regain the love that him and his girl once shared." This song is about two friends that have this odd relationship, they wanna be together but they know it'll never work, and it would ruin their friendship. Shes trying to stop it because it hurts too much, but neiter can bear to walk away." "ohhh, and a konstantine? a konstantine is someone who's a concrete aspect of your life. they're always there for you. they pick you up when you fall way down. they're your sun, moon, stars, air, your everything. they're the person you call at 11:11 PM everynight and you wish with. they're your soulmate." hey, you never know...they could be right *shrugs*

so i've decided i need to be honest about this somewhere at some point. so yesterday, Dave came over. we started watching a movie and got about an hour into it. Then, things started happening. we didn't have sex...but it was close. if i had wanted to, it would've happened. it just...didn't feel right. the whole time it was happening i was just waiting for it to be over. and when it was, i just wanted him to leave, so i could curl up in a corner and cry... or something. i don't know if it's because he's a boy (maybe i really don't like them) or if it's because it's Dave (but he's a really nice guy)... or if it's because i'm falling in love with jordan. none of those options are exactly appealing. ...i'd rather not be a complete lesbian, haha. i'd like to think my options are still open. but then again...some things you just can't control. and i don't want to think that it's because i just don't see Dave that way. but that makes no sense when you look at it logically. he's cute, he's nice, he can always make me laugh, my parents love him, my friends think he's perfect for me...and i know he'd do anything for me. but maybe i just don't see it...idk. stranger things have happened. some things you just can't control. ...i don't want to be in love with jordan. I don't. i know she's just going to hurt me. hell...she already has. and i can't trust her, so i'll never be able to date her...i'll constantly be wondering, constantly be worrying. and with good reason. but hey. some things you just can't control, i guess.

hmm. so i have 3 websites to update, since i haven't in like, years. ughhhhhh i so don't want to be doing this. but i should. but i don't wanna. damnit, i'm allowed to be stubborn every now and then. ... ... ... ugh, fine. i got really really angry at myself today. so then i smoked until it hurt. it was just that kinda day i guess. i realized earlier that some people, no matter how much you might wish for it, will never change. and other people, on the opposite side of that spectrum, will change immensely...maybe even more than they ever wanted to. yeah... i've been realizing a lot of changes within myself lately. more than i'd like, to be sure. i don't think i like the person i'm becoming. but i'm not sure how to dig myself out of this hole i've dived headfirst into. the urge to run away is so strong right now... i keep telling myself it's only a few months more, it's only time, it's only distance. but nothing...i just want to run. i've realized that i'm learning to toy with people's hearts. people have been doing it to me for so long, i guess it only makes sense that i've picked up a few bad habits along the way. still...i now realize what i'm doing to myself (and to them). but...i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do about it now, you know? basically...heh, well, i guess there is nothing basic about this huh? in a nutshell, then. person A. the person i'd like to be with...and who doesn't really want to be with me. and even if they did, i'm not so sure i'd want to be with them anymore. i mean, i want to be with them, i really really do... but. i don't want to willingly put myself into a position i've spent the last year struggling to get out of. it's complicated. person B. this person wants to be with me. and i guess i'd be okay with it...but i'm afraid. afraid of them. afraid of what being with them would entail. and i don't want to risk my fear screwing things up with them. i'd be okay if that happened, but...i'm not so sure they would. and this person is willing to sacrifice a lot for me, and i know they'd do it too, it isn't all just empty promises. but i'd hate myself if i wasn't willing to give everything that they'd lose because of me back into the relationship and more. but at the same time, if i decide not to have a relationship with them, i could lose them forever...it's kind of a 'now or never' deal. thing is, i'm not ready for now =/ it's complicated. then, there's this OTHER person... Person C. they want to be with me. i have no interest whatsoever in being with them. i've told them this before. they knew this. only now, because of person B, this person is thinking "hey, maybe now that person B has opened the doors, i can run through them and find my way into her heart" kind of deal. i still have no interest whatsoever in them. but i don't want to hurt them =/ we've become close. closer than most of my friends manage to get to me. i can tell this person things i can't really tell anyone else. but how do i tell them that that's all i want without them being hurt? hey're waiting around for me to change my mind, and i'm never going to. and it kills me, because this person is a total sweethart, and could and would treat me better than most. it just...isn't there. it's complicated. i kinda sorta might have maybe definetely made-out with a super cute girl today...she was biting my neck. i hated loved it. she's...had my attention for a long time, actually. since september, i think. our paths just never crossed, until lately. i think i might be crushing on her. i also think i'd have no chance. and if i did, i'm not so sure i'd want to take it. because i don't really know if i like her, or just the ideas she could represent for me... it's complicated.

so. new update on things? ...why not, right? last night, jordan called me. she was crying, and really upset, but said she couldn't talk about things just then. she just asked me if i would pick her up and take her to school today. so i said i would, and that i'd be there at 7, and she hung up. two hour delay today. she called, and i told her i'd be there at 9 instead. so i picked her up, and she got in the car...and suggested we skip today. so i asked her what happened and if she was okay and blah blah blah etc. etc. so...we skipped. and spent the day at my house together. it didn't take much for her to convince me. i don't know where my head is these days. well, actually, i do...it's with her. i can't get her out of my head, and i can't get my head around her. thing is, i don't think that's a good thing = today, we had a conversation about the future, and us moving in together someday. it started out as a joke, but kind of ended on a "you never know" note. thing is, i'm not so sure if i want to know or not =/ yeah. i do like her. i'll come clean about that. i like her a lot...i might even be falling for her. i definetely care a lot about her. at the same time...i think i'd rather have her as a here and now rather than a there and later. i don't know that i want there to be a someday with her. i wasn't kidding when i said i'd have to give up a lot for her. but i'd have no problem with it, if i was getting her in return. trouble is, i'm not so sure i could ever have her. i'm afraid it'd turn out to be something like the last one...i'd be in love with the girl, and the girl would be in love with the world. =/ on a bit of a lighter note(ish)? i talked to her about andrew, kim. there's nothing there. she's hung out with him a few times, but that's it. she doesn't like him; she doesn't even know that he likes her. and i did make it clear to her [nicely] that if anything went on between the two of them, neither you nor i would be very happy with that...and i also kind of told her that if she screwed with you, she might not like which side i would take in that arguement...lol ;]

so dave asked me on another "date", lol. he wants us to get stoned and go see Reno 911 the movie. hey, i'm good with that. meanwhile... honesty time! i'm in a bit of a pickle. you see... i...jordan. i don't really know which word to put in between. I love, like, loathe, regret, want, need, miss, dream about, wish for her. all are true...yet none seem to fit. i think i'm falling for her :/ i know i can't be. I know she'll hurt me. Hell, she already has. But i can't help it. this feeling...it won't go away. it's as strong now as it ever was. even after everything... basically. I'm afraid this is going to end up coming down to what i want...and what i know is right for me. what will make me happy. dave is...crazy. and awesome. and fun. and a total jerk (in a good way). and he makes me smile. and jordan? she is my beautiful disaster. she is killing me softly, you could say. she's never going to want to be with me. there will ALWAYS be something/someone else in the way of that. i know that. but at the same time...i refuse to accept it. i don't know how long i'll be able to hold out for her...or even why i'm holding out. she doesn't love me. she's never going to want me. I'll never be with her. She's only going to break my heart. so why isn't my heart listening to what i know in my mind is right? she's supposed to spend a night soon. idk if it's a good idea or not. when i'm with her, it's like...it's like nothing i've ever felt before. i feel like i can fly, like she'll pick me up high enough that i can reach the stars. she always knows just the right thing to say. problem is... i don't know how many other people she's saying those exact same words to. or if [and when] she might leave me for those other people. or if she doesn't leave me...what then? what are we? what will we be? the other jordan dumped me because, in her words "you can't have both of us Brandi" so i told her that if i couldn't have both, neither could she. sooo now big jordan has both of us. i figure this could go on for quite a while, until a) big jordan picks one of us and drops the other (and if that happens...i most likely will be the latter) b)little jordan gets sick of the standstill, and tells big jordan to ditch me. if that doesn't work, she'll probably dump jordan, just like she did me c) i give up on jordan, forget my feelings, and pretend to be happy for her when she ends up with my ex best friend. d)little jordan gives up, and "lets me" have big jordan, which is unlikely to happen. and even if it did...i'm not sure i'd want to be with jordan, at that point. not if i'm going to be second best. i might be stooping low in all of this bullshit, but i do have some pride. so, i guess i'd better settle in and hang on...this promises to be a long ride, and things could get messy :/

so tonight. i went on a...date? ish. with a boy. ...i know, i know. you're disappointed. i can honestly say i had a good time. i promised myself i'd try to, and just...avoid everything else. and i did, for the most part. there were a few times where i'd find something and trip down memory lane for a minute before i could pull myself back on course. like, in target...weird, i know. but like, jordan and i went there a few weeks ago, right before i took her to meet kylie. we had some time to kill, so we went to blackstone and hung out there, no good movies so we went to target and stuff. and we were in the housewares section, with all the pictures and decorations and dining room sets and stuff... sorry. i don't really want to finish that memory. i'd kind of like to keep it for myself, if that's okay. anyway. they're selling off all that stuff, clearance and all that. and moving shit around. ...why can't anything just stay the same, for once? anyway. i snapped out of that one pretty quickly. there were a few others, too. like, the theatre...number 7... :/ anyway. i had fun, over all. we saw Ghost Rider, it was good (YES i did watch it, thankyouverymuch.) then we drove back because everything was closing. hung out for another 1/2 hour-ish, and then i went home. he didn't kiss me. i half-hoped he would, but on the other hand, i'm glad he didn't. he makes me smile...its so rare, for me to find that. it's my favorite quality in a person, it's the reason i have the friends i do. but it's so hard to find in the people i find myself attracted to. i always seem to go for the people (girls normally) who come from sketchy pasts and who, for lack of better way to put it, need someone to take care of them [nothing against you, love < 3] and i want to be that person for them. i like taking care of the people i love. i love picking them up, and holding them, and telling them everything will be okay, and having them believe it...and having them tell me they feel safe in my arms. but...it's so emotionally draining. and i feel like i put everything of myself into it, and i don't ever seem to get much return... maybe it's time i found someone to take care of me. anyway, he makes me smile. i like that. and i never find it, but he has it. and if i have the chance to maybe have that...i don't want to screw it up, and throw it away because i'm not ready for it. you know? so. if he asks me again, i'll go out with him again. nothing absolutely has to be happening, i mean, i had fun tonight. that's all it really takes, why complicate that? nothing wrong with taking things slow. maybe that's what i've been doing wrong every other time. so...i'll try something different this time.

this is going to be friends only for a while, until i can feel things out completely. right now, i think people might be looking for it. and i think it'd be best if i lay low for a while. so i'm going to trust you, my friends, to keep my words and my heart safe. please don't let me down. a diary can be a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands... okay. so i talked to big jordan today, finally (the sort of girlfriend thing) and figured out what's really going on. ...i kind of fucked up :/ but it's okay. because she fucked up too, in the past. and i gave her a second chance. so, this gave me the grounds to ask her for one. she said yes. but...i have my work cut out for me. but that's okay. i like a challange. and besides...if little jordan wants a fight, then i'll give her one HELL of a fight. i wish i could explain everything. but the whole situation is getting so fucked up that you'd have to be here to get it. here's the basics for you though, in a nutshel. once upon a time, a girl (Brandi, aka me) sees a girl (big jordan/girlfriend thing/JB from now on) in her literature class, the first day of school. now JB is very pretty, so girl developes insane crush by end of class. two weeks later, girl decides to grow some balls...and has best friend (boy) talk to JB for her (lol). girl starts talking to JB :]. so the girl develops major thing for JB. and the girl starts spending more time with her. she hangs out with JB and gets to know JB and introduces JB to "best friend" (girl/evil/JC) "best friend" decides she likes the first girl's girl (JB). trouble follows. "best friend" JC gets hurt, and blames the girl's girl (JB). so, girl (me) does what everyone should do, and puts her friend (JC) before JB, even though it hurt her greatly :[ then, "best friend" (JC) gets better...and forgives JB for what happened. and they start talking again. well, since the only reason girl (me) wasn't talking to JB was "best friend", and now "best friend" was talking to her again...girl decided to start talking to JB again too. things change. girl (me) becomes happier. spends lots of time with JB. this makes evil friend (JC) angry. so she (JC) devises a plan, which basically consists of "well, i don't really want JB...but at the same time, i don't want anyone else (me) to have her either." so, she begins her daunting task of trying to turn girl (me) against JB. it partially works. evil friend (JC) then cuts JB out of her life again. she asks girl (me) to do the same. girl promises to try, for her friend (evil/"friend"/JC). however, in the meantime, girl has become rather attached to JB and doesn't feel ready to lose her JB. she tries to back away slowly, so it doesn't hurt as much...though it still does :/ so, the girl fails to "dump" JB soon enough for "friends" (JC's) liking. "friend" (JC) tells girl that she wants nothing more to do with her (me). so of course, girl is upset. but when girl tries to fix things with "friend" (JC), "best friend" tells girl (me) that she is going to pursue a relationship with JB (mine :[) and that she (JC) doesn't really care how girl feels about that, or if she gets hurt. evil friend is TOTALLY confident that JB will side with her over girl, because she has MADE sure to scrape together enough evil things to tell JB about girl, so that JB is sure to hate girl and want to be with JC. ...HOWEVER, JC overestimates herself, becomes entirely too cocky, and has completely missed the fact that girl, in fact, has a plan of her own. and now that she knows EXACTLY what evil ex-friend JC is planning, she can (and has) put her own plan into motion. so yeah...thats my not-so-fairytale-like story so far. basically, little jordan and i are done. i found out she's been doing things behind my back that you are NEVER supposed to do to your friends. has anyone else noticed that there's kind of an unwritten code of law as far as what you can/can't/should/shouldn't do to your friends? for example: - if your friend expresses a great interest in someone, likes someone, or is dating someone (or the equilivant) you do NOT flirt with that person/mess around with that person/pursue that person. because you are not, under penalty of the code, supposed to pick a girl/boy over your friends. - no matter how angry you are at a friend/ex friend/former drunken acquaintence, you do NOT expose the secrets they told you in confidence to the world. well, except maybe in the case of the drunken acquaintence. that one's up for debate :] -if someone tells you something in confidence, you are bound to keep that secret, EXCEPT in the case of best friends. in that case, all bets are off. because if you start hiding things from your best friend because you don't trust them not to tell...then who can you trust? example: girl and girl make-out. girl asks girl (me) not to mention it to anyone, in fear of the wrong person finding out. girl (me) tells best friend (boy) because she doesn't feel the need to keep it from him. boy won't tell anyone. in that case, it's justified. but otherwise, you keep someones secrets, right? no matter how pissed off at them you are. if they ever meant anything to you, you keep those secrets out of the respect you once had for them(unless of course, they start spreading all of your secrets. then it's fair game). am i right? or do i at least have a valid point? well, apparently this code means absolutely NOTHING to jordan, as she has broken two of the three points i made. she's trying to steal the girl that i CLEARLY had interest in from the start, and she is telling that girl anything and everything she can about me in an attempt to turn this girl against me so that i will be forced out of the picture and she'll have a clear path to this girls heart. so yeah. normally, if my friend ditched me for a girl, i'd step back. because the way i see it, if my friend is stupid enough to fight with me over a girl, then they're a friend i can stand to lose. and if the other girl wants to be with that friend, then fine, i'd wish them luck and walk away. but, i found out today that jordan was doing that; telling this girl things that i told her in confidence that she would keep it to herself. so, i have officially lost all resepct for her. this means war. if she's going to start something with me then i'm going to finish it. i admit i am stubborn as all hell. i will have the last word, before it's over. and i've got some weapons that jordan doesn't know about. which means that, provided i play my cards right...i just might be able to win this. wish me luck? sorry for the confusion. it's late. i haven't slept in a week.

okay. so i've decided to come back to sitdiary, at least for a while. i've been kind of drifting from it for a while because i haven't really needed it. but right now...i guess i could use a friend :/ i'm sorry if anything i say in this entry or future ones upsets or hurts you. i don't want to hurt you. but this is going to be where i bare it all. so if it gets too intense, then just...skim? lol. so...things started caving in on me monday night. nothings been right since. in fact, things just get worse by the day. seriously. monday, lost jordan. tuesday, skipped school because i was too depressed to even get out of bed. wensday...pretty sure ilost (other) jordan. today? got yelled at by teachers. one of the residents that i take care of (who i adored) at the nursing home where i'm doing an internship died. and jordan is now completely avoiding me. when i'd seek her out she'd make lame excuses and such. yeah...i think it's over. ...and now i'm shaking. great. the only thing that can stop the shaking is if i smoke a cigarette. the cigarettes are in my room, my lighter is in my car...did i mention its 5 degrees out? yep. and i can't smoke inside because my parents don't know i smoke. so i'm screwed. ah yes. my mom also knows about my past issues with pill popping. how do i know this, you ask? because today, i went looking for some. and there is NOTHING left anymore. its either extremely well hidden, or my mom got rid of all of them. well, most. i did find the codeine, and some anti-anxiety pills. ...i felt like such an addict today. i was tearing open cabinets, shaking everything to see if it rattled...i needed something, badly. why would she do this to me? doesn't matter. i plan on turning the house upside-down over vacation. after that...i guess i'll go from there. i feel so sick lately. ever since it happened :/ only now, it's worse. i...haven't actually really been able to eat since it all went down. monday night. i've tried a couple times, and pretty much...i can't keep any of it down, with the exception of some spaghetti last night and some cake that amanda made today (which i still feel sick over) i know i need to eat. i know that. and it's not like i haven't tried. i'm not on some stupid hunger strike or anything. food just...turns my stomach. and when i try to eat, it makes me worse, so i have to stop. on the bright side, every time i smoke a cigarette it makes me dizzy and happy, lol. sorry...just trying to find a bright side to things. i should go. its 10:00, and i still have like 4 hours of homework to do. not that i don't have plenty of time...i haven't been able to sleep since then either. dear diary, i have a confession to make: i think i might be falling apart :/ just a little. please don't tell my friends...i don't want them to worry. i don't want them to care. because i honestly don't think there's anything they can do.

"If you could have one person in your bed tonight, who would it be?" i found that in a survey tonight. its such a profound question...and so many possible answers. and yet, none of them could ever be completely truthful. i'll do my best. first off, you have to consider how you want to interpret the question. to have someone in my bed, just to spend a wild night with them and have that be the end? easy. mila jovovitch and/or kate bekinsale. duh. i think thats the kind of answer the survey was really looking for. but in reality, there's so much more it could say...in fact, i can probably run through every one of my close friends, and then some, and give reason for wanting them in my bed. Jenni - if she was in my bed, it would mean she'd be here, with me. which would mean falling asleep with her tonight, and waking up in the morning to find her here. which means i would be happy. my world always seems 10 shades brighter when she's in it. and anyone who has met her knows exactly the feeling i'm talking about. and anyone who hasn't? you're missing out. she really and truly is, has been, and will remain always, my best friend =] so yes, i would love it if she were in my bed, and sometimes, i can't think of anyone else i'd rather spend time with. Barry - i would love it if he was in my bed tonight. because i know that he and i could fall asleep in each others arms...and i could be reminded that unconditional love is still possible. even for me. i always feel safe when i'm with him. even if my entire world came crashing in on top of me (which it very nearly has, it seems) i know if i was with him, he could hold me and protect me, and when i did get hurt, he would stay with me, until i was healed enough to get out of bed and stand on my own. also, if he was here, it would mean that i could protect him...because everyone has demons to fight, and i know that his have a habit of finding him in the night. but if he was here, i could take care of him and make sure they didn't hurt him. because no one and nothing's allowed to hurt my barry. not on my watch anyway :] so yes, there are nights when i wish more than anything that he was beside me, because i know with him, i'm always safe, no matter what might try to come for me in the night. Kim - if she was in my bed...it would mean she was here. i mean, i haven't seen her in a year and a half, almost. it'd be amazing to see her. to spend a night next to her. to hold her close to me, feel her heartbeat...i'm gonna cut this short. but at the same time, i'm not sure what her being here would entail. so i know i'd be dwelling on that, at least some of the time. particularly, after she fell asleep. she always fell asleep first...and i always ended up lying awake, at least for a little while. thinking...wondering... and missing her. i missed her, even when she was here. because even when she was here, it never really felt like she was actually with me. i guess that's mostly my fault. i never seemed to be able to convince myself that she was here...because even when she was, i knew it wouldn't be long before she left, ahgain. and then i'd be alone...again. so would a night here just be a night? would she be gone in the morning? if that's the case...i'm not so sure i'd want it. it's the same reason i've semi-avoided seeing her for the past year. one night of happiness...traded for months of wondering. months of wishes. months of false hopes. and for what? would we ever have anytheing again? or would it be just another let-down? because i'll tell you...i've had enough of those in the last year alone to last me a lifetime. so i'd like to avoid running into anymore, if i can help it. but if she was here for the night...and the morning...and the next night...and for nights to follow...with no end in sight? i don't think there's anyone i'd rather walk upstairs and find in my bed. and it breaks my heart to admit it, because i know that it's percent likely to NEVER happen... :/ jordan - not going to lie. i would love for her to be here, with me, tonight. i would love to go upstairs and crawl into my bed, and find her next to me. probably as much as i'd love finding the others up there. but at the same time... i don't think it's what she wants. and it sucks, in all honesty. because... "there's no place else i could be, but here, in your arms." at least, there are very few places i'd rather be. if she was here, i'd want her to really be HERE. physically, mentally. i'd want her to be with me, because there's no place else she'd rather be. and right now...i don't think that's true. i'm starting to wonder if it ever could be :/ i think i might really be falling for her... as hard as i've tried not to. and i don't need any more let downs. i don't need anymore "could bes" or "what-ifs" i need something...real. someone who's always going to be there. someone who would never dream of moving on and leaving me behind, no matter what. i'm not saying i want a marriage...i just want a friend. maybe more, maybe not. maybe more now, maybe not later. i don't care. i just...need to know that i have a place. a place i can always go to. a place in their heart. i'm tired of sleeping with ghosts. i meant to go through this with all of my friends. but it became a lot longer, alot more in-depth, and a lot more time consuming than i intended. maybe i'll finish it. maybe i've said all i needed to say. i don't know anymore. and it scares me. goodnight everyone.

so it's valentines day. whoo...? i actually did have some plans for today. i was gonna hang out with bobby, and we were going to spend the afternoon eating ice cream, and watching will and grace, and reflecting on how much relationships suck. buuut it didn't work out :[ stupid snowstorm. i'm actually glad we didn't have school today. i skipped out yesterday...i couldn't have stood to see them. either of them. i don't know what i'm going to do. little jordan (my supposed "friend") is in my last class of the day. sits right in front of me, actually. i'm trying to be okay. i'm not going to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me cry. but it really is hard... i don't know how i would have gotten through that first night without my friends. kim, barry, bobby, lindsey...even my ex jess. and jesse from work, and jenni, and kylie... its crazy, i never thought my friends actually cared that much. but i haven't been alone since it happened. it's still hard to swallow...but eventually, i'll be okay. i'll be okay. okay, i've said it. now, to believe it. :/ thank you, to everyone who's been there for me. i owe you so much ♥

so i'm... i don't know. it's been a long weekend, i guess. hell, its been a long year, already. the jordans (there's 2, my "best" friend and my "girlfriend") basically dumped me for each other. ...way to boost my self esteen! idk. i'm really having a hard time with it. but i'm trying my best to be okay. i know, in reality, that jordan B. was no good for me. she plays people, she uses people, she hurts them...all three of which i've experienced at her hand. i know i'm better off without her. its just the whole getting my heart to go along with my mind. its not very willing to right now. in time i guess. in time. and i know that if jordan was willing to give up everything she's going to have to for jordan, including me...than there's nothing i can do about that except wish her luck. yeah, it hurts, and i'm losing one of my "best" friends...but, its her decision to make. i'll pull through this one. i've been through much worse. i didn't love her, at least. sure, maybe i was headed there...but i wasn't. it's my main source of comfort right now, i didn't love her, thus, i've survived worse. and i have my barry back, and jeno, and i think (i guess hope) i can rely on kim, and joe if i need him, and manda, and jens always around too, and ali. and of couse sam, and bobby, and ali little...and i know there are others who care about me. i'm lucky, to have so many friends to lean on when things get hard. i really am. i don't understand how anyone could want to give that up, for a girl who will just break your heart anyway. but hey, like i said, it wasn't my descision. i did what i could, and it failed. and i'm okay with that, because i at least know i tried. so on a lighter note... are you ready for this one? you may want to sit down. you sitting yet? maybe you should lie down... or at least put some pillows on the floor beside your chair...just in case you pass out. okay, you ready? i think i kinda have a crush on someone. it's someone i work with. they are 19, and one of my managers. ...and he's a boy. still with me? okay. i know, i know, ew. a boy. what the hell am i thinking? but you don't understand! he's a really cute boy. with big puppy dog eyes. and an amazing smile... and i think he might be hitting on me. well, barry thinks so, at least. i'm kinda afraid to believe it. but hey, doesn't hurt [much] to wonder...right? i think that's about it, really.

CALL ALEX so...today is the seventh and, true to it's word, today was a good day =] half day at school, hung out with bobbo, went to taco bell, hung out with bobbo, jessface, and stacy there went to jordos, hung out with her its been okay. except my dad being all RAWR again. but eh.when isn't he i suppose. gotta go to goodwill friday, look for a decent bookshelf. if not, i'll have to go to staples or make one or something. but eh. so i was writing earlier. i can spit out some pretty emo shit when i'm like this. at least, i think it was good. idk. i'll read it over later and let you know. i'd go get it and have you tell me...buuut its kinda on my wall. and i can't very well bring it down here, now can i? i do remember the last couple lines though. they were "maybe i didn't survive. maybe i gave up trying. gave up fighting. maybe thats why i always feel so empty inside..." hm. maybe not so good. idk. i tried though. i should go do my homework. even though i'm pretty much a total failure anyway, since nothings ever good enough for my parents. mostly my dad. even back when i was younger, when i did try, my best was never good enough. it was always "thats nice...but do better next time." so i gave up trying. whats the point in breaking your back to reach impossible goals, when there's no incentive to help you along? i'm gonna go work, i guess. maybe this time i'll prove him wrong and make him proud. maybe hells freezing over. maybe thats why it's so cold here. i mean, we're not too far from it...

my eyes burn with tears of regret, as i sit here writing this. i can't even type right, i can't concentrate. what i can focus myself enough to type still comes out wrong, i can barely feel the keys to type, my fingers have gone so numb. it's beyond cold, i've been sitting here freezing for the past 3 hours...but i feel like i deserve it. what the hell am i doing? where am i going? my parents tell me i'll never get anywhere. i'm never going to be completely over her. and i'll never be the same because of it. i can never go back. he's never coming back. it hurt more than any pain I've ever known, to lose him... and I'll never be the same again because of that. i'm never going to find what i'm looking for. you and i will never be together. but i'll never forget what we've had. and i'll never be the same again because of you. i'll never forget what it felt like when you hurt me and I'll never, ever, be the same for it. so now...i guess i'm just waiting for never. i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't want to cry, to fall apart inside while trying to keep on a brave face outside. i don't want to miss you anymore. for the first time since kim and i broke up...i find myself in a situation i never dreamed i'd be in again. i don't want a relationship right now, with anyone. i just want someone to be there for my own selfish reasons. i just want someone to care about me, no matter what i do or how badly i mess up. i just want someone to hold me, through those long, lonely nights. i just want someone to be there to catch me when i fall. because i'm going to fall. it's only a matter of time. and it scares the hell out of me...because the last time i fell, i landed hard. and it took me a long time to pull myself out of that deep, dark hole i dug myself into. i don't want things to be like this anymore. i don't want to be in the dark again. i never meant for all of this to happen. i never meant to give up. i didn't want to lose her. i never meant for this to happen. i didn't mean to kiss her. i didn't mean for everyone to hate her. i didn't mean to push him into the position he now finds himself in. i didn't mean to hurt her the way i have...i didn't mean for things to progress as far as they have. i didn't mean to push everyone away. this is me, baring my soul to the world. sad part is...i've kept everyone in the dark for so long that i bet no one will even understand any of this...because i've taken so much care to keep the real me hidden, locked away in the depths of my mind. I'm sorry. i don't know what else to say right now, except that i'm sorry. please, forgive me. i won't beg you for it...but i...i think need you right now, so much. i'm afraid i might be falling apart...and i don't know if i can pull myself back together this time around. I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend you could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in, and if you do not want to see me again ...i would understand. i've been thinking alot lately, about how easy it would be to just...give up. and to be honest, the idea is so appealing right now that it scares the hell out of me. and there's only one thing keeping me sane. i don't know what i want. all i know is... this isn't it.

and you are the one the one that lies close to me whispers "hello, i miss you quite terribly."