There's really no sense of purpose for the way I've been narrowly living at the moment. Very, very, displeasing.

Inspiration still heavily lingers, just not in the form of sweet, comforting words. &&each day when I wake, I make sure there's a smile on my face while giving thanks to the Universe.

Technology is suppose to make our lives more convenient, lower our stress levels and give us more time to spend with our family and ourselves. So why is it doing just the opposite? As reality continues to pixelize in front of our eyes, our intellectual depth is slowly attenuating. Technology has been removing us from our three-dimension space and placing us in its two-dimension space on its screen. Depth is the lost dimension. We use to have an intellectual idea where through reading and study we could contain within ourselves the whole of civilization. Of course it was just an idea, and nobody really fulfilled it. But the fact that we tried to contain information and knowledge through reading and studying gave us depth of knowledge and we were able to make intellectual connections with the pieces of memory stored within us.. We have now become pancake people, with no need to contain information within our heads. With our wide access to information with just a mouse click or two, our depth of knowledge is now a thing of the pass.

This is the time of your life, you just don’t know it yet.

Your pain is your own creation, I think its time to stop all these accusations. Life is not as bad as you make it out to be, I think we could all agree. Its time to stop being an absentee. And understand, that up to a certain degree We all suffer the same.

I need your lovin' Like the sunshine But Everybody's gotta learn sometime

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Why are the simplest, insignificant habits that drive your life in the wrong direction are always the hardest to kill? My mind isn't and hasn't been in the right place since I can remember, and I always thought that was the reason for making me interesting and fascinating. But for awhile now, its making me feel I have the mind of a failure. But there I go again, feeling sorry for myself. With all this free time on my hands I should be pushing myself to accomplish something, or at the least begin. Instead, I'm putting in effort to distractions and ignoring the long run. But no matter how much I analyze and understand the wrong in that, nothing changes. I don't change. No body can destroy me better than I. And with all this free time, and meaningless effort. Thats exactly what I'm doing.

The happiness I get from staying awake for hours, even days. Makes the break downs and life worth living again.

You cured my lack of confidence and made me forget about my troubled past. This wall that i've worked so hard to put up was just diminished by you, with little effort. I had given you something I thought I would never give to another person. You took it and promises were made. I gave you my heart. With no thought of regrets Promises are made to be broken they say But I let you, I let you take it Because with you, there was no troubled past, no was no more suffering, there were no more tears. Just happiness. But, just like with everything in life. It got complicated. Promises were broken and hearts started hurting. Life was getting harder to live with the constant thought of you in my head the constant thoughts of feeling not good enough for you. The constant thoughts of wanting to give you everything and living knowing that I couldn't. We've all got to hit the bottom sometimes. It's just life flashing you back in reality But Yea, I guess it was complicated. Lets leave it where it won't remind us.

I ran in the rain today, looking at my best friend, soaked with water we mouthed "I love you". At that moment, we felt infinite. Suddenly our issues, our worries, our fears, and our doubts were washed away with the rain. In that moment with her, jumping around puddles, running arm to arm and laughing like life was just a big joke to us, nothing else in this entire universe mattered any more. We were in our own perfect world. A world where nothing could ever hurt us, a world where sadness didn't exist and where laughter and smiles were always on our faces. Time slowed down and the water drops fell slowly to the ground and we were enjoying this moment in time in this little perfect world we just created. It was just us two. Everything around us was just a blur, we could only see each other. Because that's what mattered. We looked up towards the gray sky and watch as the cool water drops fell on our faces sliding down our necks and soaking on our clothes. Feeling cleansed from the purities life has been throwing us. In that moment, we were infinite

I feel as if I'm being punished. And I just can't help to think how much I do deserve it. I don't even understand what wrong I did. Maybe my presence alone is just the fault. These feelings are all too known. I thought it was over, I thought I was over it.

I acknowledge my faults in myself, and I know how I choose to deal or suppress them isn’t how it should be done. But I continue nevertheless. It’s my lack of confidence and troubled past that’s keeping you an arms length, which keeps me worrying with fear to why as you don’t answer my calls. Even as I repeat to myself that nothing is wrong, you’re just busy. I stand so closely to the edge and because of my lack of confidence and troubled past, I don’t believe myself. I pay attention to every detail of myself and try to change the ones that don’t get your approval. If I don’t perfectly meet up to your standards, I drown myself with fear and guilt. I’m consistently on that edge. Because of my lack of confidence and troubled past, I can’t seem to genuinely believe your words and promises. Even as you repeat them to reassure me, and somewhere deep inside my heart I know that they’re real and that you’re real. You have to understand, that because of my lack of confidence and troubled past, this wall will take time for you to climb. But because I stand too closely to the edge with you, I drown myself with my faults, repeat your words to myself and reassure myself that they’re real and so are you. So I make sure that all you see is me just smiling, reassuring you that everything is fine.

I huffed down a bottle in record time of an hour. I wouldn’t even have realized it had been an hour if it wasn’t for the can running empty. Throwing the can away, I can’t help but to think how much I’m wasting my life. Wasting my life in record time. It wasn’t always supposed to be like this. I had plans, I had dreams, I had ambitions. I have no idea where they went. Probably in the garbage with the can. I have given myself an intervention a couple of days ago. If I don’t, no one will. A lesson I learned from life I wish I hadn’t learned so hard. Today, I was complimented on how when I walk, I walk with such confidence and poise. All I could do was give a half way smile. If they only knew. If this Intervention doesn’t work, I don’t know what will. This front is getting over played. The smart ones already seen through it and just play along. The others keep putting me on this pedestal. I’m tired of getting just the sloppy seconds. But I feel that’s all I deserve. This ‘relationship’ is causing more harm than it should. But somehow, I feel I deserve it all. He said he feels conflicted. If he only knew.

From the outside in, its impossible to understand it. From the inside out, its even harder to explain it.

No matter how perfect and happy you are with your life, all it takes is one bad choice to change everything and take life out of your control. Today I picked up the phone and herd words no one ever wants to hear someone say they love and cherish so much. "I'm HIV positive" We sometimes forget that we're only human and not invisible and sometimes we let our emotions get in the way of our mind and its intelligences that is right from what is wrong. And how something so simple that we all love to do can have such devastating destructive consequences that will never go away and life that you know, is forever changed. You can't cheat at life. He lost and now life is going to win even faster than expected. Choices are gifts that life hands us and sometimes your heart can kill you as much as it keeps you alive.

I believe everyone has a purpose in this world. Some people just happen to be on destiny's side and have the purpose of ending world hunger or curing diseases. But you can be that one person who has that one friend and you're secretly the reason why he/she hasn't killed themselves. Why they wake up every morning with a smile on their face and ready to face the world, or because of your selfless kindness, that "thank you" or smile simply started that chain reaction of positive affects. You're not superfluous, no one is. Some people just need to realize how wonderful of a person they are, even if they don't think you are, someone does. And realize that they've probably inspired many people they've cross paths with in life Thank you for the inspiration.

"Turn on, tune in, drop out."

I can be so much more than I already am. I just don't believe in myself. I just don't push hard enough. If procrastination was recognized as a talent, I would be filthy rich. I wake up each morning hoping that today will be the day I will find my purpose in this life. And every night I go to bed disappointed and more confused than the night before. And honestly, the drug abuse is whats really keeping me sane. Whatever it takes to blur the fact that I'm a complete failure. This isn't a harsh evaluation that any doctor can just prescribe placebo happiness too. This is the constant battle that goes on behind the smiling face. So the next time you ask, "Hey how are you doing today?" I truly doubt, you really would like to know.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been lying to myself and everybody else around me. “Life is to short to go through it regretfully, I don’t have any regrets in life.” If I don’t regret, I don’t learn. The regrets will just be perpetual, then just adding to the list of regrets I refuse to acknowledge as regrets because I just can’t swallow my pride. Then that’s just where ignorance kicks in. A regret is an emotion that I am unable to control, once its there, its there. There’s no taking it back. There’s no “Sorry” to make it feel better. And with this feeling of not being able to control this repentance, I lie to myself and everybody else, and mentally suppress it just to have that pseudo high of being in control of myself again. I have many regrets. And until I can acknowledge their purpose, accept them, and learn its lessons. I feel I will never live life properly and grow out of this mind set of immaturity. I owe it to myself. Life is to short to go through it regretfully, but life is just a waste repeating the same mistakes and never growing. P.S. I've learned the hard way that a city can change and have different faces, but unless I change. Things will stay the same and I’ll just be forever playing a game of cat and mouse. Until life catches up and eats me.

I'm glad I looked down. Now, all I have to do is board that plane with that one way ticket. And leave this shit hole behind.