Holy Sh!t!
Listening to: crystals castles
Feeling: amazed

i thought this sit was down. just for the heck of it i googled it and poof its there. i even somehow remembered my password. its been years

2229 hit(s) (2 comments) | are you sure?  
A long time ago...
Listening to: There aint nothing like being at a turbulent sea

...I’ve seem to have lost myself

many years ago

Often I ask myself

where did the time go?

As I stare into the mirror

I can’t help to not know who that I see?

I fight the quivers as I shiver looking at me...

It’s me, it’s me, its me...

or so it seems,

through all those awkward stares,

all those broken up, stumbled words/sentences.

Fucken moments!

It was me.

I was...

Walk up, wake up, just wake up.

Your not dead yet.

you are not!

Not dead yet!


Just go!


Is it all but a dream within a dream?

I cant make sense of it but it seems to go.

I need control!

I need to wake up.

Its my fcuken life apparently.

What do I want to do?

What the fcuk do I believe in?

I hate it when I let persons down.

I can’t stand it when I create things I don’t follow through on.

I don’t know why I thought just maintaining was good enough?!?!?!?

I lost myself a long time ago but it is not a dream and I do need to walk up...

..its not a joke...




2873 hit(s) (1 comments) | are you sure?  
Long live Conan!!!

Its funny how im not even jerckin off

Or to build some new thing

Im not goin to try to leave sum artisy fartisy wannabe abstract entry

I just want to say,

Say that I know something bout this mofo

Or I like to think


It was around middle school when the insomnia started to take

I didn’t mind, I had better things to do

I like to think it was good enough for me


It was like this

Round xmas time

Tom hanks was on and some light blew

He said it was santa

Conan said santa was shooting at us

And that was it

I was hookd

Fuck the other guy that use to host the daily show

Conan was the man

And I followed


It got sick

I use to have his show on a timer

Lined up with bill mahar

He and his people boild it down to an art

8min for this, 10min for that, a guest, a skit

Guest, then the band

Sometimes it was off the hook

Other times it was nothing more than someone working

I regret never seein a show in ny

I made a pact with a jackcrack friend to do so

This was when we heard he was takin the tonight show


And now I cant see him he even though he was just here!


I had a routine

It was getting home

Doin what of my homework I whatd to do

Then getting stone and watching these shows

I cant stress enough how this shaped my early ‘mornings’

I had it all figured out


Shit watchin as conan walks away from his earned show made me think

It be fcuk up if he goes to hbo

It aint 911 anymore

I just hope to see him goin beyond a dead tradition

For me

It will always be the late nite


Rest in peace the tonight show

Conan drifts along


Fuck jay leno

BILL HICKS was a better comedian

N Conan Lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


948 hit(s) (0 comments) | are you sure?  
Scared shitless…

…and looking at a sea ahead…

i think i can, i think i can…

I once had a conversation with a friend; it was about reincarnation. My friend said that if he could come back he would like to be a cow. Reasoning that dairy cows live a life of comfort he goes on to paint a picture of green pastures and blue sunny days. Right off the bat I mention that the majority of cows don’t live a life like he described. I told him most cows live a life of industrial foods and pills, all with their own special time card clocked with a scientific effectiveness. Basic Industry facts. My friend does not eat pork. Then I told him he should try to be more precise. I brought up India; why not come back and be worshipped as a god? He laughed and I asked why he didn’t think of the most common born again creature: A bird. At most with being a bird one could go and do as one wants with the whole sky to call home; at least you would have wings. Going back and forth for some time he finally asked what I would like to come back as after I die. I answered it would be as a whale. I go on to explain that to be able to endure the darkest depths of the sea, and to make it back to the surface as one pleases, that is an existence. It doesn’t matter about the strength of the winds above. It is not about where the currents are going, not where the sun or moon is. All that matters is to do what you gotta do, do it good, and live. Another chapter…

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;

Am an attendant lord, one that will do

To swell a progress, start a scene or two,

Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,

Deferential, glad to be of use,

Politic, cautious, and meticulous;

Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;

At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—

Almost, at times, the Fool

here goes nothing!

862 hit(s) (1 comments) | are you sure?  
i once heard a story...

...bout a duck in a bottle. It begins with a man that had a lot on his shoulders. The weight was getting more then he could carry. After trying to fix and help everyone and thing else he didn’t really know what to do with himself. He got lost to it all. Then one day he heard a story about this old man that had the answers. This supposed wise man was very far away and was very hard to get to, but he did have all the answers. So upon hearing of this old man he set up to seek him out. Through many valleys and over many mountains he was able to find him. Of all the things he could of ask, he ask “How can I make it a better world.”

After a long stare the wise man answered “I am going to give you a duck in a bottle, if you can get this duck out alive, without breaking the bottle, I will tell you how to make it better.”

So with this he goes home with this duck and bottle and tries to figure it out. Doing this and doing that he tries whatever he could to get it done. Nothing seems to work. He goes back to the old wise man and was asked, “did you figure it out?”

Handing it over he said “not my duck, not my bottle,” and he walked away.

Get what you want from it. I first heard this story many years ago. Rest in peace old timer. Refine it all I guess, time molds, but it is here from now. I don’t know but I like to think I do and I think it is mediocrity.

Damn that mediocrity!

1051 hit(s) (4 comments) | are you sure?  

...all folks

thats the end

my fingers bleed enough

my back hurts

and my knees are done


bones stickin out of my chest

but that just sounds better then my shoulder

my eye was filld with blood

and now maybe

the older i grow

i will know

or not

or just a glimpse

and its good to pretend

hey sunshine


yea u heard me


u are my sunshine...

ok, ok,

u can call me the moon


my best moments are when we eclipse

shit i have been so

pullin out my hair


im so glad to have such so much beautiful hair to spare

but have done my time

i like to think

some where else

there be wearin it

better then me

my split ends

my everyday to everyday

the works, the jobs

its like this one person was tellin me

he was like

boy, theres a time that comes and theres no reckoning to be done


yea its goin try to flow to some sort of idea that rolls with this try

what, i do as i go

yea, liar, follow ur lines

and shit

my fingers still bleed

at least they heal up fast

unlike that popin point

i like to think

its funny how somehow

i smash half my face in

and funk few months later

the other one goes too

this pass month i

been so stress out

at best i know how to lay

but not spell

i think i follow the ryhmes in my head

and the tieal


ti something

i hear it

but i cant see it

and it looks good

i could redo one room

but it looks good

call it a learnin ex...

to think to be able

or actully put the time in

build sky scapers?

maybe chicken coops are better

its all easy though

that one time

when it all seemed out of whackd

the doubles seem there

it need no sense

loss it once again

and go with it

shit this has have to be

the longest

tryin to be


it funny


my hands are cut

my back is sore

i have done so much

want some more

but i am an

at least?

773 hit(s) (4 comments) | are you sure?  

I may be free of externalities,

But I will never be free of me.

aint that the truth

I wonder what thoughts she had after she got out the car and got in her house. I wonder what she thinks now since then. I haven't called. I won't. And I know she won't so I'll leave it at that. But damn do I wish she felt the same way about me. Maybe she did once upon a time... I am such a loser I could never tell when a girl was into me. I never got the hints I guess. It's all done now though, time for a change.

Me. I read through all my old entries and enjoyed every minute of it. It helped me get through the night and doing this entry, on the third night, will do the same. I am not that boy anymore and I am ready to be a man. I am going to clean up my act. These last three days I have been real good, I have been coming to terms about myself and what I want. I want to be healthy not only physical but mentally. I can not be living the way I have been living. A year in a half ago I wanted to but was not ready. I am ready now.

Sitdiary. I don't remember what I googled to find this place. I am glad I did. I am glad that I was able to type so many great people, like you, even if it all slipped away. I am glad that I was able to meet one of you, whom ,I like to think, I sent my letters of innocents to. I have changed so much. I am glad I still talk to one of you on the phone, who I can bitch my problems to, whom I sent my letters of despair to. I am glad that I am able to read of who I was and able to write who I am.

Life. It scares the fuck out of me; it will always, but I still have to step up to the plate. I can't strike out without taking a swing. Maybe I'll grow old with a great career and a great famly. Maybe I'll grow old with nothing but bad habits. Maybe I'll have a great career but two broken marrages or maybe with nothing but a great woman. I don't know, but it is going to be something to find out. Isn't it?

Love. What does that mean to say that to a person? I'm not sure what I meant when I told her. I just know what it felt like when I decided I have to do it and started to practice: an intense high; my eyes got watery, light-headed, shortness of breath; its like my heart stopped. I wish there was one for everyone, but that doesn't seem to be the case. When intense feelings come up, it is almost never mutual, so one settles for compatibility and trys to make it work.

494 hit(s) (11 comments) | are you sure?  
missing dates

to bad

i hope theyre not loss

i like these comments from my old entires...

why deny the fact that im one of those person that must start over again and again till i hit rockbottem why delay it but then again do i still want that i mean i think i want something with more substance not artificial paradise i want menories that i can remenber and without feelings of shame guilt and what not i dont know i really dont know mabe i shall join up and serve community college just doesnt seem right right now i mean my fellow citizens are over there right now and are fighting and dieing while im home safe blessed not sleeping reading all night screwing up steering aimlessly on to the future i think i want more but i am not sure how to go about it or even what more even is

from 2d outline of box

around winter 04/spring 05?

i was 17

One thing people say about drugs is that u will find things while on them only to lose what u found out the next day when u are off the fun. That u do it its done and u can’t ever get anything meaningful from it.

Not true.

From relapse

spring 05/summer

To you

I surrender

body, mind, and soul.

You have defeated me

every possible

abstract, tangible way.

I am yours

Do as u please.

From love

spring 05/summer

why is there evil in this world



it there is a god that is all powerful all knowing and all good

why did 6million jews and other have to be murderd


for the greater good


what the fuck


from weird

fall 05

i been with christine for like only 3 months and were spending christday together

im happy but scared

(think thats an underlining theme to me?)

mabe but i dont think its too fast

From a little less

winter 05

what the fuck man really woman are fuckin crazyer then racoons and racoons are fuckin crazy

from sometimes

spring 06

but im a fake poser and pussy so mabe i wont

mabe ill just try to endure this life

or new one

or this one

or mabe that one

or none

fuck it

im just so sad all the time

so depress

i dont know

well yea


from leap of faith

spring/ summer 06

i cant go on like this

i cant keep doing the crazy shit i do

or can i

i mean what do i want out of life?

i dont know anymore

so many things have change

so yea

life goes on

fuck it!

From almost died

summer/fallish 06

its like i am just so damn young and inmature and not capable of doing anything right or along the right line or something

but then now

but then i just start thinkin about shit and it all goes to shit

but then it doesnt

like why am i not happy

like i jump up and down laughing out my lungs

all the time

and like things are sort of going well

so fuck God when will i know this is the right road

the right path or what ever shit man

i just want to know....

from trailer it

fall 06

damn like i changed alot since startin this diary i have


im glad though

im glad that i still have room to grow to better my reality

im glad that i went thru what i did this year

i am stronger

im glad i have a family that loves me and puts up with my crazies

im glad i have my health or alive

im glad that u are readin this

im glad that i can get a card for weed

im glad that i saw all the shit i saw

this my life and i hope urs is not a fuckin tv show nothing goes as we plan and nothing is fairy tale i saw sufferin i suffered i know of what its like for others that have not much and i feel for them the most and envy them too

i want to feel more this new year then ever before

i know u could argue that this last year i felt more then before but i think ur missin the point

that was one way:


i felt the extreme of depression and self-loathing

now is the time to turn around and try other way cause i think this is what im lookin for

but Who knowns?

i will get in shape

i plan on cuting down i cancer sticks

i want to create more

i want to be more organized

i want to stop wantin and just be

i am....

from New year

Winter 06?

i think

I read through them all

it made me feel real good

im going to go try to fall asleep

354 hit(s) (2 comments) | are you sure?  
I did it!!!

I really did it

This whole night!

It was my night!

I told her

I did

She knows I love her

Thats it

This whole last week I been reciting

Over and over again

With bloody eyes and tears

To the mirror

I have been so scared

But now she knows

Heart pumping faster again,

Out of breath,

Light headed,

With no control over my eyes

This feeling takes over,

More then I can describe,

But she knows

To a point

I like to think

I had it all planed out

But it never seems to go that route

But then again,

Its just how it was meant to be

I pictured me just going to her work

Today or yesterday

(the day does not start for me till the sun raise)

Walkin in there and getin it if off my chest

I wanted to tell her and walk away but

Her boss was there and was watchin our ass

Ate some good food

And shit followed us there

And yea

It turned out better then my dreams could make for me

I made sure I did

I did tell her

I had wanted to say this

You know that I have always loved you right

More then anything this world has to give

More then myself

And for a long time I have been scared of this but

Im not scared awaymore

I want you to know this

For a while I have been trying to make u hate me

And to think that I have be succeeding

Scares the fuck out of me

More then anything

I aways want u to be part of my life

If not there next by my side, then a phone call away cause

I never want to lose u

And I sit here type my songs

With no more true regrets

I know and u

Will know

That the songs has been here

They wont leave

No worries

I Am Free

That is it

335 hit(s) (0 comments) | are you sure?  

... by the Terminator!!!

i love sayin this

its my shinin moment in my storm

shit! how many people can say such a thing

well, yea, about 22,000

and i hope this bit of absurdity will comfort those that are deeply afected by this cause this sum serious shit

i dont know what to think of this summer

it started out so a to b then c and 1,2,3 and the fan just keeps getin the best of me

and yea

i got really behind in my class

i didnt go buy the books

i thought i could get by

my friend bought the books

we were suppose to be like a team, i guess

help each other

but i mostly blame myself why that couldnt happen

i think i love her

i just need to accept it, i guess

one book sort of got me, i think

i didnt do workd

when your already out of breath its hard to sprint again

and the last paper

shit, i wish i could of made my pamphlet

cause if then i was to fail

i would still be content

i wanted to do it on what i feel passionate about

drum roll please... yes, fuckin bicycles

i am a loser but a happy one most of the time

it would of been something

i know its dry but it just needed a little rum to make it fun and puns and so many other techniques

and it would of been sweet

even if i failed

i would at least been true to myself

but no

and i dont know

a c or worse

i cant get a b

i know that at least

well i did get a c

and is happy as can be

i type the above on the 3rd

now its the 7th

the next 2 semesters are goin to be tough

but hopefully in the end i get 2 AAs

one in history and

one in philosophy and

their not even my major

at least not yet

im so funny

im goin to take classes at a higher university for a ba in philosophy followin the law path while

at the same time go back at place im at now for geology

i will eventually get a ba in that and not philosophy then

im thinkin of takin off

maybe to alaska

make a fortune then come home

i wish

but maybe

i wanna get some experience in petroleum

then come home

get job that i just lost

save money

get ba in philosophy

and then hopefully before im 35 become a lawyer

think about it

a lawyer with 10 years of petroleum production experience

i would love to work with the government

like the epa

that would be cool

im such a nerd

we will see though

time will tell and

life will happen...

i got sum tattoos a few weeks after i turnd 21

i havent typed about it here and thought now is good time

i really like them i will get more

it was a trip today

i was volunteering at the bike kicten

got no job might as well do something good

and i gave friend a ride home

he is main mechanic he is like 50

a nice guy

a good guy

and he was so down today

just piss off at everything

and he was talkin about getin old

it made me feel something i dont know what

we are all goin to get old

our youthful sexy bodies are goin to get old

and then we die but

before that people that are important to us will die first

we will look in the mirror and remember what we use to look like

it will be a journey to death that will have ups and downs with pit holes and broken images but more importantly with moments of heaven simply sublime

just make the best of it, i guess

oh well

364 hit(s) (9 comments) | are you sure?  

Entry List
Holy Sh!t!
A long time ago...
Long live Conan!!!
Scared shitless…
i once heard a story...
missing dates
I did it!!!
once again
one month
One month
only time will tell.....
my face hurts
another year
..out of my ass
yea anyways
New Year.....
most nights
27 post(s)