Free?

I may be free of externalities,

But I will never be free of me.

aint that the truth

I wonder what thoughts she had after she got out the car and got in her house. I wonder what she thinks now since then. I haven't called. I won't. And I know she won't so I'll leave it at that. But damn do I wish she felt the same way about me. Maybe she did once upon a time... I am such a loser I could never tell when a girl was into me. I never got the hints I guess. It's all done now though, time for a change.

Me. I read through all my old entries and enjoyed every minute of it. It helped me get through the night and doing this entry, on the third night, will do the same. I am not that boy anymore and I am ready to be a man. I am going to clean up my act. These last three days I have been real good, I have been coming to terms about myself and what I want. I want to be healthy not only physical but mentally. I can not be living the way I have been living. A year in a half ago I wanted to but was not ready. I am ready now.

Sitdiary. I don't remember what I googled to find this place. I am glad I did. I am glad that I was able to type so many great people, like you, even if it all slipped away. I am glad that I was able to meet one of you, whom ,I like to think, I sent my letters of innocents to. I have changed so much. I am glad I still talk to one of you on the phone, who I can bitch my problems to, whom I sent my letters of despair to. I am glad that I am able to read of who I was and able to write who I am.

Life. It scares the fuck out of me; it will always, but I still have to step up to the plate. I can't strike out without taking a swing. Maybe I'll grow old with a great career and a great famly. Maybe I'll grow old with nothing but bad habits. Maybe I'll have a great career but two broken marrages or maybe with nothing but a great woman. I don't know, but it is going to be something to find out. Isn't it?

Love. What does that mean to say that to a person? I'm not sure what I meant when I told her. I just know what it felt like when I decided I have to do it and started to practice: an intense high; my eyes got watery, light-headed, shortness of breath; its like my heart stopped. I wish there was one for everyone, but that doesn't seem to be the case. When intense feelings come up, it is almost never mutual, so one settles for compatibility and trys to make it work.

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Comments
August 22nd, 2008 @ 5:55am
omg i miss you!! i thought you died :[ i read this.. it made me all "thinky".. that's the last thing i need :p what does "like you" mean? are you calling me a little mermaid? because only timmy can say that lol. btw! you sent me letters tooooo. i kept them :] actually i found them the other day and read a few, your so weird. lol. anywhoo i got a new cell but the same # and OF COURSE and as usual, lost yours! call me!? bye bye shoey mc shoerson
August 22nd, 2008 @ 7:00am
You did leave comments to me a couple of times.
And I read the entry, and thank you ^^,
And thank you for the kind wishes.
[breeze]
August 22nd, 2008 @ 12:05pm
Haha, yeah, it's short, but eh, I'm busy. =P
What's this about "like you"? Tryin' to horn in on my g/f there? >_>
August 22nd, 2008 @ 12:51pm
I type all sorts of ways. The most recent entry I have [Take Me On] is present tense. . .even though it really did happen a long time ago. Making it present tense draws your attention more and making the subject 'you' instead of 'she' or 'he' draws you closer into what's being said.


The other entry [You Are The Words, I Am The Tune] is past tense because 'it already happened'. Making it third person makes it easier to disconnect from the "story", because you're looking at it from a distance instead of from right up close. However, making the second person in the entry 'you' instead of 'he' or 'she' keeps you a part of everything instead of pushing you away entirely.

It's all about multi-meanings.
[lilbit]
August 22nd, 2008 @ 9:34pm
like you, too? I remember our comment chats. Those were good nights, and i felt like the world maybe wasn't doomed if there were funny and interesting people still inhabiting it.
August 22nd, 2008 @ 10:37pm
Yes I am usually sick. But not anymore really.
Am i the one you bitch to and call? Thats totally me right? Whose this girl you are talking about?
August 23rd, 2008 @ 9:29am
Like you too, and as you've mentioned, I'm glad I've met you and the load of great people on here. And old entries are always a blast to read.
August 23rd, 2008 @ 6:12pm
you interest me.
August 29th, 2008 @ 3:10pm
Perhaps I am wrong in how I worded it, but to me, a greater man is the willing man, but any man who calls himself great is in fact a man with imposed limits on himself - a great man will never acknowledge he is great, but only instead willing... a fight between a willing man and a greater man, well; eventually the greater man will soon succumb to all that is possible for him to do, because he doesn't know what is to be willing, only to be great, and great is only what you already know. The willing man will never succumb as he will try for everything possible no matter how hard the task. Lol.. hope you're well dude! :-)
September 7th, 2008 @ 2:41am
Hi there. Long time no see! Getting your comment made me smile and reminded me of the good ol' days when I was here every day and commenting and replying and posting all the time. You're one of the few that's stuck around :)

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, but you seem strong enough and determined enough to get through. I wish you the best in everything and I hope to hear from you and read more of your entries soon!

~Katie
September 12th, 2008 @ 11:55pm
recentlyy, i've figured that maybe i'm strange because i'd rather go with nothing than just settle for compatibility. i could say "yes", but...


i like to run awayy a lot. run run run.

but i'm still young. the first week of being seventeen, i still have a few more forevers left.
[Anonymous (24.130.205.234)]
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Entry List
beta...
testing...
Holy Sh!t!
A long time ago...
Long live Conan!!!
Scared shitless…
i once heard a story...
thats...
Free?
missing dates
I did it!!!
Terminated...
once again
sing!
ok
one month
One month
damned!!!
blank
only time will tell.....
my face hurts
ok
another year
..out of my ass
shinspilts
yea anyways
New Year.....
most nights
hello
29 post(s)