november, what can i say? half a year ago i was joking about the election results to hide the anxiety i felt at there being a chance that trumpudo would win. now i find myself trying to convince a family member that unity is the only way we stand a chance at overcoming whatever obstacles the future may bring. i understand their frustration with other family members. not everyone was born with the ability to connect the dots on their own. the easy thing to do is to get mad and release the fury-it feels great too but oh man i can't tell you how much it clouds my judgement. i'm sure acting on anger hinders their vision as well. voting is one thing, but isolating a family member that can't understand the hypocrisy in their actions can lead to radical changes-who else will offer them the "support" they need, that approval they seek? they're sitting ducks, potential pawns that may be used to "legitimize" a hateful cause.
i feel like i should be talking to a deprogrammer.
i've had this headache for three hours. i'm so sleepy but the fucking pain is keeping me up.
what am i running away from? i run from one set of arms to another. i feel like i'm fleeing from my own shadow. am i really that ugly on the inside? there's been stagnant water within me for such a long time. i'm afraid of looking in. i'm scared. i am rotting from the inside. all the lies, i've become desensitized. i have to remember so much, and for what? why am i working so hard? these people only care about the skin on their back and down their pants. what do i care about? that's a great question. i can't answer that right now. i really don't know what i care about.
i smoke to forget everything, i don't want to feel everything anymore. when i smoke i rest. no, it dulls all of my senses and i feel like i can breathe. sleep. eat. at peace. finally. i wake up feeling regret, guilt, shame, and emptier than before.
there's my answer-i care about peace.
it's painful to breathe.
my position, i need to let go of unnecessary weight and move with the wind. i need to start from the inside and work my way out.
i can't aim to break the wind, i must flow with the wind...
inside out. once my insides are doing better i can address the outside..