as the years go by i close more and more windows, doors, anything that would give away the secrets. i have become so bitter. i have scars everywhere, my skin is thick and the memories of how my skin came to be stiffen my spine-i do not move. all these years, all these fucking years. the weight of what's meant to protect me in this world is holding me captive-i want to break free.

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balance

november, what can i say? half a year ago i was joking about the election results to hide the anxiety i felt at there being a chance that trumpudo would win. now i find myself trying to convince a family member that unity is the only way we stand a chance at overcoming whatever obstacles the future may bring. i understand their frustration with other family members. not everyone was born with the ability to connect the dots on their own. the easy thing to do is to get mad and release the fury-it feels great too but oh man i can't tell you how much it clouds my judgement. i'm sure acting on anger hinders their vision as well. voting is one thing, but isolating a family member that can't understand the hypocrisy in their actions can lead to radical changes-who else will offer them the "support" they need, that approval they seek? they're sitting ducks, potential pawns that may be used to "legitimize" a hateful cause.

 

i feel like i should be talking to a deprogrammer.

 

i've had this headache for three hours. i'm so sleepy but the fucking pain is keeping me up.

what am i running away from? i run from one set of arms to another. i feel like i'm fleeing from my own shadow. am i really that ugly on the inside? there's been stagnant water within me for such a long time. i'm afraid of looking in. i'm scared. i am rotting from the inside. all the lies, i've become desensitized. i have to remember so much, and for what? why am i working so hard? these people only care about the skin on their back and down their pants. what do i care about? that's a great question. i can't answer that right now. i really don't know what i care about.

i smoke to forget everything, i don't want to feel everything anymore. when i smoke i rest. no, it dulls all of my senses and i feel like i can breathe. sleep. eat. at peace. finally. i wake up feeling regret, guilt, shame, and emptier than before.

there's my answer-i care about peace.

it's painful to breathe.

my position, i need to let go of unnecessary weight and move with the wind. i need to start from the inside and work my way out. 

i can't aim to break the wind, i must flow with the wind... 

inside out. once my insides are doing better i can address the outside..

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gums

i don't want to call it anything, i willed it and it happened. i did it. that's all. i don't think i feel anything right now, i'm not sure yet. i'm a narcissist. i am. i'm surprised, i am genuinley surprised. it's not rage, it's not frustration, and it's certainly not depression. i cannot define it. i do what i do and that's all that is. right now that is all that is. i feel a need to share it. there is no where i can without really upsetting something-the peace. this false peace. bull shit. that is no peace. all i can do is work one bit of the situation, one issue at a time. one angle today. one side of the leaf on the tree. i guess that's probably why i never drew leaves on my trees ahahaha. every part of the tree had to be just as special and balanced as the rest of the tree-i would have been too overwhelmed. i'll share this journal with them one day. 

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water

my fingers are tingly, i want to to color. my eyes want to close. i didn't think i would enjoy swimming. i can do this every day. i'm thinking about changing my diet. i feel like shit. i want to have more energy, i don't want to be this heavy either. i liked when i was leaner and agile. now i feel clumsy and stiff. i'm going to start working on my flexibility again. i want to be able to pistol squat better than i used to. i'm glad i can jump rope. i'm going to leave soccer again. i do miss everyone but the drive is too much. plus there are people that go that i know i shouldn't be around. i just want to left alone. friends don't want to fuck friends.

 

there has been someone else on my mind. i guess it's just curiosity? either i'm wondering or it's a capricho of mine that i haven't dealt with yet. if i set my mind to an idea and i don't get it, i wait. sometimes i'm not even aware of it. i act and things fall on my pocket and i'm left shocked and surprised. i think i want to play a game right now. i do. i love puzzles. i don't have the energy to draw. my eyes want to close.

i've been so lucky. is it luck? i don't know. y olvidarme de todo lo que hace sufrir, reptilectric no me arrepiento de nada. i'm done with that.

 

hello pain. flood my body with lessons. i'm ready to let it go.

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focus

today was one of the most difficult days, i was so close to going back. i made it. tomorrow is a new day.

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the light

curtains were hung and no light shone through. silence. finally. it was then that i understood what everyone has been saying. we all have a light and we do what we want with that energy. i finally get it. i closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, thoughts flooded my mind. instead of running and numbing i asked why. all the answers i've been in search of were within me all along.

i get it.

embrace the visions, the feelings, and explore what's going on around yourself but do not become lost in other people's lives. remember to ask yourself why; become curious about why you do the things you do. you deserve to be at peace, to play, to learn, love and to be loved. put in the work first-find the answers for yourself.

i love me. i forgive me. i will forgive those that have hurt me. i will ask for forgiveness and will plan to not repeat mistakes from the past. i will be mindful of myself. i forgive me. i forgive me. i forgive me.

 

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relapse

i was doing so well.

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remedy

the dreams are starting up again. it's all becoming too much. the doubts within me have so much weight. I'm having trouble breathing, I can't move. i can hear movement outside. i am not afraid.

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dry

i pick at the skin of my thumbs and sometimes i tear at the skin that surrounds my other nails. they're so dry. it feels good to rip it off and see the blood. any time i'm cooking or washing my hands i feel that burn and it puts me at ease. for a second or two, depending on the liquid, the stinging feeling puts me on my toes and i imagine my body secretes chemicals to relax my state. there's a fire in me; i control the site of pain.

when i went to have my wisdom teeth extracted, once under the gas i felt so free. i could hear and feel the metal instruments grind against my other teeth. i never wanted to come to. i was ready to endure the consequences. it disturbs me, all of this.

what i would really like to do now is staple my wrist to the desk. i hear someone working on drilling something into a wall. i'm imagining what it would look like to run the drill through my arm into the desk. i hear an instructor talking about blood spill procedures. the irony, right?

 

 

 

 

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moving on

this week i was asked to apply for a job; my bf's friend that had met me several months ago remembered me. it all happened so fast. tomorrow i'm going to call my supervisor and let her know, monday i'll let everyone else know it's my last day. i did feel welcomed for a bit, it's not worth it. i don't want to be under someone like that; i'm not a tool. when i'm ready i'll share more haha. i learned so much at this last job; kids are so bright and sensitive-genuine and if you give them the respect you would give adults(appreciate their differences and work with their temperament) they're fantastic to work with. the adults ahaha man, all i can say is look out for #1, you. that's what they're all doing. i'm actually sleepy. night.

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Entry List
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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163 post(s)