spring dreaming
Listening to: sleeping beauty-apc
Feeling: blue

i dislike spring, it reminds me of being cold and soaked in water. i'm not quite sure why.. perhaps it might be because when they were building my house(this was about five years ago) it was always raining and the entire inside was always flooded. my sister, my cousin, and i would look for wood boards and we'd use them as little boats. haha well more like surf boards. it was fun. i remember one time i had the bright idea of going inside the flooded house with boots...wow..big mistake! haha i remember running around everywhere. my aunts were building their houses next to ours. ours was in the middle. it was a giant playground.

our old house was across town. i remember one of the saturdays being very odd to me. i do believe it was the first time i had ever been on that side of town. everything was so calm. there were many houses with huge trees. it didnt have a dry atmosphere, unlike my old neighborhood. my mother and i walked and walked. i remember it was near easter so there was plenty of decorations put up. i remember being a bit cold, but still contempt. i was holding a big blue plate with strawberries wrapped in pancakes. i was bringing them to my father.

i remember his face, happy and surprised that my mother and i had walked all that way just so he could try our "new creation" haha. ridiculous!

i remember feeling bare. that moment in my life, i felt naked. i felt as if i was stripped of everything and i was new to everything. the world was so cruel, but i still wished to make friends and favors.

at times i believe my mother and father made a mistake by giving my sister and i such nuturing homes. always so sweet and comprehensive. giving us whatever we wished, always telling us to refuse anything that was ever offered to us(whether we wished for it or not). all that they taught us...hmm...down the drain.

my sister has gone backward, she now has the manners of a seven year old.

and myself, well..

i still continue with the manners and good.

not because i enjoy it, but because i dont know much of any other way to live life. i see other people and their terrible ways and i think "how horrible...i dont want to appear that way to anyone..because thats no way to be..treating others like that.."

i can name many faults that my friends family and aquiantences have...but i dont. even when they start acusing each other of such things, i always try to change the subject. i can think of few problems that i have.

all those around me...i dont understand. all they have to do it put in a little effort, and boom they have it. they could be very mannerly responsible etc. but they dont do it! why?! i dont understand!? do they not see??! blind??

maybe its because they havent gotten time to see. or better yet they dont want to see...or even better than that...maybe theres something wrong with me?

i could easily pick at anyone..but..can i accept the fact that anyone can easily pick at me?

sure.. why not?

i mean, theres always room for improvement :). why shouldnt i welcome it? all the critique that the world offers. i wish there was someone i can speak to with, somewhat, the same point of view. it would make my life a bit easier. being able to compare experiences, friends, relationships, social life, ideas etc. that would be very comforting.

i used to have someone. things went a bit haywire. feelings were involved and that just made everything worse. love is dangerous. im afraid of it. love.. hm i dont like the word too much.

it seems everytime i meet someone, something goes wrong. my parents, my parents, my parents, oh and my parents! lol nah, thats not all. the physical distance, the emotional distance...yeah no need for commas lol. emotions are cruel. i wish i had a cocoon. (random thought)so i could pass puberty where nothing can hurt me.

whenever im about to rest, i always say to myself " sleep..dreams.. no one can hurt me here".

i tried smoking the other day..hmm didnt work because

1. cigar was the size of half a peanut

2. there was someone with their window open so they can pretty much smell the smoke

3. i was burning my finger with the lighter because the wind was blowing really hard

4. the smell of burnt nail was making me feel woozy... yeah

so instead of doing that, i decided it would be best for me to paint :) so i did. the painting looks odd. its water color..my favorite :)

i wish i could go to a lake and just rent a glass house that have white ceilings. i wish the house to be lit by the sun at all times. it has to be right next to the lake. cool breeze too :p that would be..aahh

i wish i could bring my paints and many canvases etc. to one of the rooms and just start painting. at first all the canvases..then the walls! yes! the glass walls lol. haha and then when i finish take a picture of everything and wash it off with a mangera!! yea! watch all the color fade away.. and then finally i wish to take a boat out to the lake and just sit there..look..

i then would like to go back to the house and pack everything. drive off and just think of my next activity.

going to a huge city! finding the tallest building! and going up there (by myself..thats right! no more fear!) and just sitting there reading. i wish to bring all my sharpies, paper, and pencil(with eraser). i then would like to wait for the sun to fall and for the stars to appear. as soon as they do id like to just begin drawing anything! where would i recieve light to draw? the moon would assist me!? haha impossible i know, but hey this is just a dream right? correct! id like to then fall asleep and wake up early in the morning. right before the sun rises, id like to just sing..yes..sing! sing sing!! anything that comes to mind! just begin singing! when im done with that id like to walk towards teh edge and jump. thats it, my dream.

-blue

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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