it?
Listening to: Eighteen Visions- Waiting For the Heavens
Feeling: blue

i was talking to my friend today. she told me of her favorite "thing" about spring. she said it was the grass. right before she told me it, she told me not to laugh. she told me it had to do with the memory of her old softball games. how she loved the smell of grass because it smelled fresh on the field (she plays outfield..something like that lol) right before she told me she had me promise her i would tell her why i enjoyed the winter so much. i did..

it felt weird.. something..uncanny. im not sure.. but we had a good time. i did spend all my money on what she wished for, but i dun car much because it was..well worth it :)

im supposed to find someone i can spill everything to. who? why? this is fine for me. i mean, i dont have any major problems, im sane..why should i? this is probably my pride speaking lol. i dont need anyone to "express myself to" i do that differently. painting drawing writing and sometimes just supressing. its been working just fine. so..why? i feel fine. im fine.

im listening to the velvet underground. they're pretty decent. sweet jane yes. my ex enjoyed them. he really influenced my music taste. he introduced me to tool..well he didnt introduce me, but he told me of them and i was begining to be interested in them more and more. the velvet underground..wo...

im reading a book right now and the setting started out in alameda, which is where he lives..four hours from where i live. i wish i could see him. saying that would be admitting defeat..so i wont. thinking it would be ..well.. the same i guess. im currently supressing all emotions i have towards him.

i do this with everything. just ignore the urge and itll be gone. with sleeping, smiling, crying(emotions), and eating. im pretty sure thats why i lost over fifteen pounds last summer. hm? well now i weigh 126 and im 5'6.5 ft tall. is that normal..i doubt it.

im doing just fine with everything right now. im not moody towards anyone which is good. i now feel complete as a person..well not quite. that longing still lingers in me, but i ignore it. good right? its easy.

im doing just fine right now. at times though, i still wonder if im truly happy. is this it? all those moments of catastrophies..and i get over all of it.. just like that? is there a catch? i didnt even have to talk about it..with anyone. everything that goes on in my life that associates my family, relationships..stays with me. everything that happens in my life that does not ascertain to them.. stays with me. am i normal? is it ok? i ask this because everyone says they have someone to talk to abou these kind of "things" i dont. but im ok anyways.. hmm.. am i?

sure, why not. why shouldnt i be? if i can deal with my problems on my own for a decade, then i can do it for a few more decades. hopefully ill make to through highschool

-blue

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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167 post(s)