clear
Listening to: would - alice in chains
Feeling: angsty

there has been a change, obviously.

i spoke with my uncle the other week and i had another moment of truth.

once again he found a way to unravel and trigger memories and woes i have tried to ignore. he says i can't deal with this on my own.

i spoke with my right hand about this and well, it just doesn't understand... however, i was able to find some joy from her :)

we spoke of her worries, both her and i found some solace.

as soon as i was dropped off, it came over me again. there's this desperation, this suffocating feeling... it's like a small buzzing sound that just wont leave me alone. it's ridiculous.

i spoke with an old friend from highschool, and then another one... and then i spoke with "him" for a little... they can't distract me anymore. it's there and it wont leave until it devours me whole.

and then there is knowing i can't leave.

i have to go to state.

walk the same floor... i loathed... mingle with those... it's enough that i have to see some of them at school.

i'm bitter.

earlier i had this headache, so annoying.

the right side of my head was throbbing and my face was twitching, i felt this anxiety.

i can't find peace, i've lost it... they're coming back.

i want to get a butter knife and skin myself to see if there's anything left.

i want to go away for a while. i want to run away, i'm a coward. i don't want to face it, it hurts too much. reality, the current state, can't even refer to as if it's occuring to me. can't be blunt. i wont find peace here, going here.

i regret it. i don't know why i went there, why did i have to lie to all of them? i'm just as troubled, but no one seems to be too concerned...

that's it.

i know there's something different, i am aware. i am aware. this is the price of being aware. i am aware.

i am aware

i am aware

i am aware.

what do i do now? who can help? there's no way anyone can help because, i know i wont be honest, i'll cover it up... i'll concoct a nice story and that'll be the end. why am i even studying to be this? if even i realize i can't truly help, why?

i don't know if i was meant for anything, i wasn't meant for anything. this is senseless.

i'm supposed to make sense out of it, make it relevant.

life is making sense out of this...

without this, i'll lose my humanity.

i must hurt, or think i'm hurting.

there must be shame, for without shame there is no sensuality... excitement.

i see.

i think

i am.

ok.

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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167 post(s)