josh ya
Listening to: something i can never have - NIN
Feeling: bewildered

after what was it, four years? three? i found him. i can't believe it. i look at my inbox and i see messages from him.. from today and yesterday. never did i think i'd hear from him. amazing. he's... he has a light.

what, well it doesn't disturb me, but what's a little unsettling is that... he's the only person that could convince me into believing. of all the guys i've dated.. gone out with.. been with, whatever.. he's the only one i actually... liked. the one i haven't been able to forget. randomly pops in my head. for two years i couldn't partake in activities because i'd cry. i loathed talking on the phone. i haven't trembled.. not since him(nothing to do with sex). haha we didn't even... yet still. i don't know what to do.

he use to live 4 hours away, now he lives in another state. jeez.

i can't believe it.

my fear now is... that he doesn't want to talk to me. i feel like a sitting duck, like i've myself up.

funny thing,

the guy i was dating... hahaha started talking to him because i thought it was him... wow. this was two years ago. now we talk, and... i'm not interested... he insists.. but i don't feel it. i haven't felt it.

recently, i was with a guy for 11 months and 3 weeks, just ended it... there was nothing. before that i was dating a guy... nothing. before that... was with a guy for 9 months... nothing.

however... i must admit, i did meet someone that did stirr me a little, or had begun to.

haha the guy in anthro.

in my other entries, jeez... forced. i want to feel, i want to... thing is.. i cant.. don't see myself doing that.

i understand, i need to move on... but... it's... i thought i had... or wanted to believe i had. wow.

this can't be healthy.

this is a fixation, i've held on to this image... this being.

must snip away what's left.

155 hit(s) Ignore the smoke  
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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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