can't even breathe

a few weeks have passed and i feel better. haha i remember the first time i received a message from him, i almost fainted, luckily someone caught me before i could lose my balance.

balance, that's what i'm lacking.

anyways, all is well now. things have changed, i thought he could change me.. help me, but now i see that.. haha i've changed as well, i'm not quite the same. there's a suttle difference in me.

i'm still pretty polite.. haha.

the guy i was dating, he's no more. deleted him from myspace(wow, big deal right.. haha baby-steps!).

if he contacts me, i'm just going to warn him.. if he insists, i'll be blunt. no mercy after that.

muahahaha

tommorow i'm going on a date with a guy that's two years younger than me, he's attractive... hmm. i dont know. i guess i'm hoping something will sprout tommorow.

we went out on monday, was trying to hold my hand.. held my hand and expected me to squeeze it back, but i couldn't.. felt wrong to mislead him.

i think i wednesday(i have terrible memory) he asked me if i thought it odd for him to ask me out... i said no, it was fine. he asked me out, i warned him.

i'm cold, dark, and hard.

i'm incredibly afraid of intimacy and i have pretty severe trust issues. i'm polite and nice, however that's not me. what i really am, i haven't discovered yet. i'm not all i appear to be(not saying i'm this big amazing person). i'm hollow.

he said he'd be willing to work with that, help me.. etc.

such optimism.

i'm not saying i'm hopeless, no. i'm not, i'll change. i just need to be the one to begin, he can't do it for me.

i'm worried, i think i might be too dry for him. this will be his first date.. ay.

can't help but say that... nothing good can come from this

hahah maybe i'm just old and bitter

i really can't get over the age difference.

i've never even dated anyone my age.

jeez.

ok, overreacting, yes. ok.

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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