so i went the the dealie tonight. i wish i hadn't gone. i hate feeling like this. there's this intense desire to connect with people, it gets so strong sometimes i can hardly think straight. i've noticed my writing's gotten more clear, that makes me happy.

i dont know where i belong. im not recognized here, but im not from over there. i feel like a ghost. like an echo. i feel like i came from a strong powerful source. as time passes, i feel i've traveled farther and farther from that source. i've grown but my strength has diminished. as i grow i get weaker. i guess tonight was the wall that helped this sound wave bounce back to it's source. i doubt any of that makes sense. ha.

it's so hard to connect. i mean, when i do i feel great, but it's only for a split second i dont know where i belong in all of this. i'm tired of being so damn accomadating. i wish i didnt have to change to feel close. i wish people could just accept me as i am. i wish i could just trust people.

i've gone so many years trying to fool myself into believing i trust people when really, i dont. i've been in denial for so long! it's incredible! lol

i have this reoccuring daydream.

i have a surgeons scalpel in my hand and i make a horizontal cut on my wrist and one on my upper arm(dont know what it's called, it's where it bends). from there i make a giant vertical cut and go on to ripping my skin off. i dont know why. i've had it for a couple of years now. it randomly pops in my head. yesterday i was talking to my advisor and it just popped in my head. whenever this happens i smile, it's either that or i frown... smiling doesnt raise any questions. at least it hasnt yet.

i like thinkking about wripping skin, i wonder what it would sound like. hm. i dont think i should investigate this any further. to be honest, i dont think this is healthy.

i like tearing off the skin from my thumbs. i dont know why, something about it makes it so soothing. the blood doesnt really draw my attention, i dont know what it is... something about tearing the skin makes things better. i can be talking to someone new, and feeling that.. the skin, it feels better. i dont have an oral fixation, i'd use my teeth. maybe it's the pain. it's weird because it doesnt actually hurt anymore. i dont remember the last time it hurt.

 

im pretty tired. calling it a night.

 

ps. all you had to do was listen. you're a child. i'm not upset with you, if anything i really just pity you. funny how the "victim" is able to say this.

pss. you didnt have to say that, we weren't trying to start any trouble.

psss. it would do you good to grow up and stop making stupid generalizations about girls. ok first off, we're not girls. at least im not lol. if you want to talk about maturity, call me by my first name and maybe we'll get somewhere.

pssss. you have no original ideas of your own. i feel sorry for you as well.

psssss. i dont know your motives and this scares me.

pssssss. i like talking to you.

psssssss. we could be good friends if you'd stop being so prideful.

pssssssss. stop whining.

psssssssss. you're disgusting.

pssssssssss. thank you for looking out for yourself.

psssssssssss. you'd really like that song.

pssssssssssss. you're the biggest kid i've ever seen.

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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