safe space
Listening to: the dryer...

so, how am i feeling? i do admit that although the options that are available to choose from are plentiful, none can describe what i'm feeling. there is no umbrella word that can effectively express what's goin' on in my lovely little mind of mine. with this being said, i'll just move on to something else for now.

i'm fed up, again! yes! where's my safe space? here i guess. i can't stand people that are polite. random. it sounds so alien to me. like, it's based off of these unwritten rules of society that we must abide by... many of which are useless and just feed into the continuation of other stupid rituals.

EXAMPLES!

MEN OPENING DOORS FOR WOMEN

SAYING BLESS YOU WHEN OTHERS SNEEZE

SAYING EXCUSE ME

SMILING WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL HAPPINESS

SAYING YOU'RE WELCOME

POPCORN TALK! GOD I FUCKING HATE POPCORN TALK!

it's these things i cannot stand in life! do you really want to help me? do you think that you taking action in whatever is going to help me, truly change my life... touch me in a way that'll change my paradigm????

people argue that hey, we're in a fast-paced society... we need to hold onto these polite rituals.. chivalry. FUCK CHIVALRY.

I AM NOT WEAKER THAN YOU. HAVING A VAGINA IS NOT AN INDICATOR THAT I MUST HAVE MY DOOR OPENED FOREVER BY SOMEONE THAT OWNS A PENIS. I CAN OPEN DOORS TOO. I AM NOT UNCAPABLE OF OPENING DOORS.

I DON'T NEED TO BE BLESSED.

YOU'RE FINE, DO YOUR THING YOU HAVEN'T OFFENDED ME WITH YOU NAAATURAL RESPONSE TO YOUR ENVIRONMENT!!

PLEASE DON'T LIE TO ME.

I GET IT, YOU APPRECIATE MY EFFORT IN WHATEVER. COOL.

SILENCE, LET'S JUST BE.

it's these things just make me want to sand my skin off. these are the things that keep me from seeing others as people. these things keep me from wanting to make connections. these are the things that hinder my relationships with people.

be honest. just talk. let's disagree, let me know when you disagree. i'll do the same, i promise you that. i will respect you. i choose to respect you that much.

 

people are just... aaah so dishonest! i don't want to connect with these individuals. i have so much to say, ideas, thoughts and I know what I have is worth a lot. i know i want to share this only with those i can trust. i can't trust you if you're just being nice, humoring me because i'm a pretty misinformed little lady.

i've struggled in life. i'm not alone. i don't need to put up with this. don't waste my time.

 

do you get it? do you really get it? while you're here worried about an event that has no relevance to your goal, people are dying. the mortality rate, that is what you ought to be worried about. oh and by the way, try not to take things so literal... think a little.

instead of working together, you want to find a way in which we can become rivals... compete for the love, attention, friendship, something of this man? have him. i'm fine. 

i realize this relationship isn't going to end well. i know. they never do. i'll figure out my stuff, you do yours.

 

where's my safe space? where are my siblings? where's the tolerance... the support and patience? where's the truth? where's the crying coming from?

 

and then what you ask? and then what?!

 

let me tell you. 

you and i, we both have different lives and different risks. you do something, you pay for school and your family will become upset.

i do something, i get kicked out. lose everything.

you and i, you and i are different. yes, i am aware of what i have to lose is mm pretty big, but what i have to win is peace. this peace within me that's oh so rare! 

 

being a part of something. feeling welcomed. feeling home. feeling loved. being visible. being acknowledged. being heard. this is what i wan't. i wan't to do things for myself.

 

is this making any sense to you? should i explain it differently?

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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